All language subtitles for Bobs Burgers s12e02 Crystal Mess

♪

TINA:
Uh...

Did someone switch Tina
to white noise?

Tina, sweetie, why are you
making your sad mumble grumbles?

I'm just nervous
about the oral report

I have to give in class today.

For Wagstaff
75th Anniversary Week.

Ooh, right!

The 75th anniversary thing.

That school's
getting up there, huh?

Yeah, it looks much younger,

but it had a lot of work done.

Boob job.
BOB: Mm.

Our class had to make posters

for the anniversary assembly.

Also, breaking news

fourth graders don't know
how to spell "anniversary."

Well, Tina,
I'm sure you'll do great,

even though sometimes you get

a debilitating fear
of public speaking.

Sorry, pretend
I didn't say that last part.

It's not just that.
This is a speech with a partner.

Zeke and I are doing
a report together.

Wait.
Why is having a partner bad?

(sighs)
I kind of have a reputation

when it comes to doing
oral reports with partners.

They call her "the cooler."

She'll take your perfectly good
oral presentation

and throw a bunch
of cold sweat on it.

They also call her the cooler

because you can sit on her
at the beach.

I just don't want to let
my partner down, so

I get all nervous and sweaty

and I mess up
my note cards and...

(hacks)
...my mouth gets all phlegmy,

(thickly): like right now,
'cause I'm thinking about it.

Okay, calm down.

You know, maybe just picture
everyone with a giant booger

that's trapped
in their nose hairs

and they look ridiculous.
Speaking of...

Bob. Nose hairs.
Oh.

Uh, well, I gotta go.

Not because I had a booger
in my nose.

I'm gonna go to
the Tuesday farmers market

in Bog Harbor for produce.

That's what Dad says
when he goes to his mistress.

Tina, I'm sorry about
the sweat stuff.

YYou get that from me.

Sometimes I put rolled up
socks under my arms.

No wonder this guy's
got a mistress.

ZEKE:
Hey, partner!

I'm real excited
about our report today.

Hey, Zeke. Uh, yup!

I mean, I'm not nervous
or anything. II feel great.

Tell that to your pits.

Ah!

Anyone have an extra pair
of socks I can borrow?

For... no reason?

I have extra socks,

but I'm wearing them
over my other socks.

Why do you have
all those clothes on?

Jocelyn and I are doing our
Wagstaff Anniversary report

on what popular people wore,
past and present.

We're gonna take off layers
to reveal popular people clothes

from different decades.
Yes, you're jealous.

Who's jealous?
Oh, them.

(school bell ringing)
See ya later, Tina!

We got this, right?

Yeah, totally, thumbs up!

Oh, God. (panting)

Tina. Are you okay?

Yeah, really great.
(panting)

Okay, I think I know
what's going on.

Let's go to my office.

This seems like a situation
for the Anxiety Society.

So, Panicky Paul,

Nervous Nellie, and Worry Murray
have all experienced

what you're experiencing.
Isn't that nice?

It's just I have to give
an oral report with Zeke...

(phone chimes)
(stammering)

I just got a text.

Oh, my God,
it's from Cassie.

She's a person I'm dating.

Twice.
We went on two dates.

Um, okay...

(giddy laugh)

Cassie had a nice time
last night.

What do I write back?

Maybe... say you had
a nice time, too?

Ooh, that's good!

Uh... Okay, Tina, back to you.

Did the dolls work, or...
what are we doing?

Uh... A little?

Uhhuh, uhhuh.
See this crystal?

Cassie gave it to me.

That's... nice.

She says it brings
good energy

to whoever is
in possession of it.

II think that's how she put it.

Are you saying
maybe it could help me?

What?
Oh, because of your thing?

With the nervousness?
Maybe.

I mean, Cassie's so pretty.

And her car was so clean.

So, maybe she's right...
about crystals.

So, yeah,

go ahead and borrow it.

Okay. I mean,
I guess it can't hurt.

Unless it's sharp.
Ow.

That part's a little sharp.
Thanks, Mr. Frond.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How does this look?

Maybe just one full line

of exclamation points
instead of two?

But then how will she know
I'm excited?

He's back!

Oh, thank God.
I was worried about you.

Why? I was just at
the farmers market.

Yeah, but you know
how farmers get.

With their pitchforks.

Whoa, that's a big box
of fruits and veggies.

Yeah, and I got a huge discount
on all this, too.

Look at this carrot.
It's got legs.

We could put a little pair
of pants on it.

And this tomato's all lumpy.

Wait a minute, all this stuff
in here is weirdlooking.

Yeah, that's why
it was so cheap.

Also, it's all
about to go rotten.

Uh... yum.

People get so judgmental
about how food looks.

I mean, ugly, soft,
discolored food is food, too.

No, it's not. Sorry.

I'm proud of you, Bobby.
You saved all this food.

Yeah. I mean,
nobody at the farmers market

said the word "hero,"

but I think
they were thinking it.

Hey, Linda, can you turn
the tomato that way?

So it's not looking
right at me

with its weird tomato eyes?

Okay,
but the other side's worse.

Ah!
And here comes Mr. Carrot.

(as carrot):
I'm coming to say hi to you, Teddy.

I don't like it!
I don't like it!

...and in the '90s,

popular people at Wagstaff wore
baby doll dresses

like Wynona Ryder did
in Reality Bites,

which is
my dad's favorite movie

and also the password
for his laptop.

And these are laceup jeans
from the 2000s.

It's like your pants are shoes.

And these are our clothes.

Because we're great.
So, yeah, the end.

Thank you, Tammy and Jocelyn.

That was...
an example of what happens

when I don't vet
your report topics.

Okay! Tina, Zeke,
let's hear your report

on Wagstaff's Amazing Alumni.

(quietly):
You ready?

(exhaling deeply)

Okay, let me know
when you're, uh,

at the end of that deep breath
and we'll start.

(stops exhaling)
Ready.

Hey, Tina, when you look back

at 75 years of Wagstaff,
what do you see?

What do I see?

I Spy Amazing Alumni!

(quietly): Nice.
Thanks.

Hey, you know what, Zeke?

Let's talk about
those amazing alumni.

AlumnI'd love to!

(quietly):
We're killing it.

Tina, you knocked it
out of the park.

Yeah, you didn't get all sweaty
like you usually do.

It's true.
The report went pretty smoothly.

And this thing
only stabbed me once.

Whoa.
Is that a diamond?

Did you steal that
from a scepter?

Oh. No, it's a crystal.

Mr. Frond let me borrow it

'cause I was nervous
about our report.

The woman he's dating
gave it to him.

She said it brings
good energy.

Good energy like a protein bar?
Mm, no.

Tina, Zeke,
I'm supposed to select

some of the oral reports
to be given again tomorrow

at the Wagstaff
Anniversary assembly

and I'm choosing you guys.

Oh, my God!
Do what? Yep.

And Tammy, Jocelyn,

since you two were
the only other people

who didn't just read from

the school website's
"about us" section,

you will also be presenting
your report at the assembly.

BOTH:
Wow.

I mean, yay!

What do you say, Tina?

You up for doing this
again tomorrow?

CRYSTAL:
You can do it if I'm with you, Tina.

Also, it might feel cool

if you press me
to your face right now.

Or do it later, maybe.
People might not get it.

Here's an oral report, Zeke
Let's do it!

That's not really
a report, but yeah!

Tina, I'm so proud of you!

My little lordy lordy,
look who's doing her reporty

in front of the whole school!

Yeah, you went from scaredycat
to She's All That.

So, Tina, you think a crystal
made you do well on your report?

I mean, I don't know
if I like your tone.

But yes. Maybe.
I'm not sure.

I'm just saying, it could be
that you practiced a lot.

Like, over and over.

Like, a few times, I thought
you were talking to me,

'cause you were staring
right at me

and I said "What, Tina?"

And you just kept talking
about alumni.

Look. All I can say is
before I got this crystal,

I was the cooler,
and then yesterday I wasn't.

I was the... furnace.

The Hernace.
Uh, Mom,

is this dinner?

It's, like, all vegetables

and I don't have
enough places to hide them.

Well, your dad bought
a giant box of weird produce

for the restaurant
and there's no way

we're gonna be able
to use it all down there,

so I brought some up here.

And this is our life now.

I smell a reality show.

Hey, you kids want to take
these apples to school?

Give 'em to your teachers?

Are you sure that's an apple?

It's fine. It's natural.

That's how apples look
sometimes.

It kinda looks like
Dad's butt.

But not as red.
Oh, yeah. It does.

BOB:
Mm.

Hey, Mr. Frond. So...

about this crystal
you loaned me... Uhhuh...

Um, is it okay if I keep it
for the assembly today?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Big things are happening,
Tina.

I'm asking Cassie out
on a third date.

What do you think of this?

"Want to come over
for dinner tonight?

"I make a mean casserole.

"Or in your case,
a Cassierole.

"LOL. I told you
I can be funny sometimes.

Anyway,
this is Phillip Frond."

Um... Perfect?

Great. Adding a heart,
heart, heart, heart,

heart and send.

You got this, Zeke.

There's my partner!

Don't talk!
What are you guys doing?

Zeke is trying
to break his record

for how long he can hold up
a pencil with his lip.

(straining)
You know, I never think

school's gonna be interesting

and then something
like this happens.

Oh, my gosh, Zeke,
three more seconds.

Two. One.

New record!

I'm the holding up a pencil
with my lip champ!

I think you can quit school now.

Hey! I bet it was because
Tina was here.

With the crystal.
Oh, yeah.

Hey, Tina, can I borrow
the crystal for PE today?

We're running hurdles and
I want to clear all of them.

So I don't hit my penis
like last time.

Uh... No.
Mr. Frond trusted me with it

and I don't think
I should lend it out.

Hey, I wasn't holding
the crystal

when I broke
my lip pencil record.

Tina was just
standing near me.

Maybe if she's just there,

you won't hit your poor penis.

Oh, yeah.
Tina, could you do that?

Sure. I guess.
Great, let's go.

Huh. They think Tina
and her crystal have powers.

That rock could make us
some paper.

And maybe some money, too.

Oh, sir! Don't forget
your free fruit or vegetable.

What?
Yeah, one with every meal.

Take it!
Oh...

I think I'm just gonna go?

Sorry, Linda. His loss.

Yeah. You want it, Mort?

Uh...

Here's your burger, Teddy.
Oh, thanks.

Whoa. What's that?
What's happening?

Uh, we're trying out
a new thing.

A side salad is included
with your meal.

Eh, no thanks. It looks weird.

It doesn't matter
what it looks like, Teddy.

Close your eyes and eat it.

Bob, I know what you're doing.

You're trying to get rid of
your weird vegetables.

I'm not a garbage disposal.

You kind of are. You ate
that lemon rind that time.

Oh, this again?

You put a lemon wedge
on my plate.

What do you think
a guy's gonna do?

At least it was
a normallooking lemon.

Bob, let's face it.

Even with the salads
and the free ugly food bowl,

we're not gonna get through all
this stuff before it goes bad.

I think we might have
to throw out the food

we didn't want
anyone to throw out.

Don't say that!
I mean, what are we supposed to do

with this sad, old cucumber
that's at the end of its life?

Oh, actually,
this one's going to Mort.

Right. Yay.

Wait! That's it!

II know what we can do!
We'll just do what Mort does.

Eat real slow

and chew a million times?
What?

We pickle it.
(gasps)

Ooh! Good idea, Bob!

Why is that like what I do?

You know, like embalming.

That's not even really...
Okay, never mind.

Ooh! All of the sudden
I'm feeling picklish!

All right!

Tina, my favorite sister...

Hey!
And there's the crystal.

Good, good.

You know, I've been thinking.

You and this crystal could
help a lot of people.

And I feel like it's our duty

to find these people
and ask for a small fee

in order for you to stand
next to them.

Uh...
You love it.

Anyway, here's Peter Pescadero.

And for the low,
low price of fifty cents,

he'd like
some crystal Tina time.

Wait. What?
I've been working on

my breakdancing moves,

but I still can't crack
the windmill.

There's a crack in my windmill.
This guy.

Could you just stand near me
while I practice for one second?

Oh. I guess...

But I can't promise anything
is going to happen.

You can do this, Peter.

Windmill...!

He's doing it. I think.

Okay, Rudy,
go ask Chloe your question.

I mean, I still think
she's a dumb shampoo bottle

in the shape of a person.

But you paid your money,
so have at it.

Bring it home, Rudy.

Hey, Chloe. How about you and I
be science partners today?

Um, I was gonna be
Emmy Butler's partner today.

Oh.
But then she got sick,

which is gross, so yeah.
Just for today.

And maybe you do all
the experiments for both of us.

'Cause I don't like wearing
the goggles. They hurt my hair.

Yes!
Barf.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Eh, what the heck?

It's for online poker.

I never go all in like this.

But screw it, I like this hand.

Is it a royal flush?

That's the only poker hand
I know

because it sounds like
a fancy poop.

(computer chimes)
(gasps)

Oh, my God, I won! I won!

You know, the right thing
to do is to give us half.

No.
We'll talk later.

Today is the best day

of this young man's life.

I finally got the corner piece
of the mac and cheese.

Crystal worked again, huh?
Yup.

Every other time I've asked,
Hildy said,

"You get what you get
and you don't get upset."

But this time,
Tina's crystal was there

and now I'm
in the corner suite, baby!

Well, eat up.

We got some more crystal
customers booked after lunch.

Actually, I was thinking

we should give
the crystal a rest.

I'm not sure exactly
how it works,

but, uh... maybe we should
save some of its powers

for me and the assembly?

I mean, I don't know
how to recharge this thing.

I bet Billy Crystal would know.

Tina! There you are.

Cassie said yes
to having Cassierole with me.

Also, she asked me
about the crystal

and I said I was enjoying it
very much.

So I will be needing it back
after you give your speech.

JOCELYN:
Ah!

You okay, Jocelyn?

I'm fine.
I tripped on my jean laces.

So, Tina, as I was saying,
I'll need the crystal back.

Okay, Mr. Frond. I'll give it
back to you after the assembly.

And don't worry,
I'm taking good care of it.

Oh, my God! It's gone!

(highpitched):
What do you mean, "it's gone"?

It was right here
just a second ago!

So was my mac and cheese!

Oh, no. It's there.
Hi, you.

(highpitched):
Where's Cassie's crystal?

Yeah, Tina!
Where's Cassie's crystal?

It was right there!
On the table!

Ugh. One of the alumni keeps
texting me.

He wants to know
where to park his scooter.

Tina, I need the crystal back
by the end of the day.

Or else my Cassierole
is grass.

Oh, my God.

If we don't find it,
my Cassierole is grass, too!

I'll have to do
the report with Zeke

in front of the whole school
with no crystal!

Someone must've stolen it.

And during peak
crystal business hours.

We gotta find this monster.

And we'll start
right after lunch.

Gene...
Fine.

But the mac and cheese
is coming with us.

♪ Crystal, crystal, crystal ♪

♪ Who can pull
the missing crystal? ♪

♪ Distracting just
to find the crystal ♪

♪ Crystal, crystal,
crystal, crystal. ♪

♪

♪ We're pickling ♪

♪ Just like
the cavemen used to do. ♪

Here are all the jars we have.

Oh, God.
That's a lot of smell.

What smell?
The vinegar. Ugh.

It's really strong.

We might've pickled
our whole restaurant.

WhWhy can't I smell it?

You're pickled. Go to the
basement and come back up.

Okay...
Going down, going down.

It's really dirty down here,
we should clean it.

Turning around and...
Oh, God!

What have we done?
You did this to us!

I'm sorry! I thought I did good!

The produce is cursed, Bob!

No! They're just ugly!

Same thing!

This is going to destroy

everything we built together.
(sniffs)

Wait, I can't smell it anymore.

(sniffs) Yeah. Me, neither.

Should we keep pickling?
Yeah, it's kinda fun.

LINDA:
♪ Picklin', picklin'... ♪

Uh, the assembly's
in one hour.

We'll never find the crystal
before then.

There it is!

(gasps) The crystal!
Tammy has it.

What? No, I don't!

Wait a minute.

You had Jocelyn
create a distraction

in the cafeteria with her big,
dramatic fall, didn't you?

No. You know Jocelyn's knees
don't bend right.

Give me back my crystal, Tammy!

It's not your crystal, Tina.

It's Mr. Frond's.
You borrowed it from him.

And maybe I borrowed it from you

and I'm gonna give it
back to Mr. Frond

when I am done with it.

Because maybe I need
some crystal power.

What are you talking about?

I found out that
one of the alumni

who's coming to the assembly

is the woman who owns
the boutique

Mary Queen of Skorts.

Yeah, I know,
she was in my report.

Yeah. And she's in
the fashion industry, Tina. Uh.

If she likes my presentation,

she might take me
under her wing.

I could be Anne Hathaway
to her Meryl Streep,

but I'd be blonde,
which is even better.

Oops, oops, oops, oops.

Something's falling
out of my hands

and into my locker
and it's closed.

(Tammy humming)
(groans)

Now what do we do?

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go to class,

get some bathroom passes,

and break into Tammy's locker.

And then what?
Oh. Right. Get the crystal.

Glad you came back for
a second lunch, Teddy.

Because now you get to try
the quick pickles.

They should be ready.

Oh, what a surprise.

Bob is trying to foist
his ugly vegetables on people.

I'm ignoring that,
because they're pickles now.

They're reborn.

They're pretty
pickle butterflies.

(sniffs) And I won't smell
like this forever, right?

Right?
Pickled carrot, anyone?

Ah, no thanks.
I'll try it.

Mmm. You can't even taste
how mangled it looked.

Pickled cauliflower?

I think that's a strawberry.

Oh, my God, I think
that is a strawberry.

Teddy?
Eh... Nah, I'm gonna pass.

You know what, Teddy?
These pickles aren't for you.

They're for people who don't
want to waste food

and want to make
the world a better place.

That strawberry doesn't want to
make the world a better place.

It's frowning. It looks mean.

(as strawberry):
I'm not mean, Teddy,

I'm a nice strawberry.

Ah! Stop it!

Sorry I'm late.

I got my bathroom pass

and then I actually had
to go to the bathroom.

How's it going here?

I mean, I don't feel
totally great

about lying
to get out of class.

And if we don't
get the crystal,

I'm probably gonna have
a super sweaty, phlegmy meltdown

in front of the whole school.

And Mr. Frond's gonna hate me.

But other than that, fine.
Great!

Ugh! Everything
at this school is lousy

except for
these weirdly amazing,

hardtobreakinto lockers.
(school bell ringing)

This is embarrassing
Ooh! I got it!

Yes!
(gasps)

Ah!
Ah!

You guys are stealing
the crystal from me!

You stole it from me!

What does that have to do
with anything?

(grunting)
Let go!

(grunting)

Oh, no!
Oh! Oh, my God.

Uh... You know what, Tina?

Uh, you can have it.

See you at the assembly.

Ugh, damn it, Tammy!

(pants)
The crystal! It's dead!

(panting)

Unless it's
one of those crystals

that crawls back together?

Nope.
Tina, there you are.

Please tell me you found the...

(screams)
I'm so sorry.

(whimpering)

I hear they're doing
great things

with glue these days.
(laughs nervously)

(whispers):
Let's go.

(playing kazoos)

TAMMY:
There's Mary Queen of Skorts.

Should I wave? Hey!

Okay, she didn't wave back
or look in my direction,

but I think she saw me and
was like, "Who's that girl?"

Hey, Tina, you okay?
'Cause you seem kind of nervous.

And you're perspiring a lot.

(chuckles)
What?

Don't worry, we'll be all right.

You got the crystal.

Um, yeah, so...
actually, I don't.

Because Tammy stole it

and then we got in a fight
and broke it.

Ugh! Get over it, Tina.

That was like ten minutes ago.

Hold up. You don't have
the crystal, Tina?

No.
Oh, boy.

Now I'm sweatin'. Right across
my little, tiny mustache.

It's there.

Thank you, fifth grade,
for that somber rendition

of Matchbox Twenty's
"How Far We've Come."

Kazoos have never sounded
so haunting.

So... Wagstaff.

75 years, huh?

What a rich, wonderful past
this school has had.

But, eventually,
everything is broken.

And dreams die.

He's taking it well.
Mmhmm.

That's it for this jar.

Served all the pickles.
Great.

So we'll just keep doing
our part, being good people

and getting a box
of ugly produce every week.

I love it.
Yeah... yeah.

What? What's with the face?

You look like someone peed
in your pickle jar.

It's just... I mean,
all of this was so much work.

And everything smells.

Including you.
No!

It's true, Lin.
You do. You both do.

Should we...
never do this again?

LINDA and TEDDY:
Oh, thank God

I was only doing this

because I thought
you really wanted to.

I did.

But now I really, really don't.
Yeah.

At least we saved
all these sweet ugly babies

from going to the dumpster.

We're gonna get
into heaven now, right?

Yeah.
I want to go to heaven,

but not like that.

Not like that.

And we all die alone.

And now, I'd like to bring up
eighth graders Tina and Zeke

to give their report
entitled

"I Spy Amazing Alumni."

Oh, God.

Hey, Tina, when you look back
at 75 years of Wagstaff...

What do I see?
Okay...

I Spy Amazing Alumni!

Hahahaha. Ha.

Oh, no.
Uhoh.

Let's talk about those

amazing alu... (coughs)

Sorry. Little phlegm.

Um, anyway, ever heard of

Mary Queen of Skorts?
Oh, wait.

That was your part, Zeke.
Um... Uh...

Oh, now it's me.
(clears throat thickly)

She's skort of a big...

deal.

Oh, boy.
(sighs) I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm not great
at oral reports,

and when I have a partner,

that makes me
even more nervous.

I sweat like crazy.

And I get weird phlegm
in my mouth.

(hacks)

It's like a spit smoothie
in there.

And I'm extra nervous because
I don't have the crystal.

That's a whole other thing.
I had a crystal.

It might have had magic powers.
I don't know.

Uh...

Are we still doing our report?
Anyway,

maybe I should just accept
that I get nervous.

And maybe that's okay.

Uh, I mean, why try not to be
nervous when I definitely am?

I mean,
look at this pit sweat.

Anyone need me to put out
a small fire? (chuckles)

(chuckles)

(exhales) Feels good
to say it all out loud.

So, anyway...

Oops! I'm getting
the "wrap it up" signal.

Or that kid just really wants me
to look at her watch.

Uh... Thank you!

Well, didn't really get to talk
about the Wagstaff alumni

or, uh... just about anything
in our report.

But I tell ya

it was a pretty nice
little speech.

Good job, partner.

And you made being sweaty
and nervous kind of cool.

Thanks.
I'm gonna go get some water.

(coughs, clears throat)
Good idea.

You sound like
phlegmageddon, girl!

Next up: Eighth graders
Tammy and Jocelyn

with their report on

Wagstaff fashions
past and present. (phone buzzing)

Sorry. Sorry.

Wait! Where is she going?

She's gonna miss
our speech. (gasps)

Uhhuh. Mmhmm.
Now she's never gonna take me

to Paris Skort
Fashion Week with her.

Tina, I liked your speech.

I mean, it was very awkward.

So awkward...
Thank you?

And in a way,

your speech gave me
the push I needed

to leave Cassie a long and
very emotional voice mail

about her crystal.

And she just texted me

that she believes crystals
don't really "break."

She says the energy just
"spreads out."

Really? (exhales) Phew!

She's very wise,
like a pretty owl.

And she still wants
to come over for Cassierole.

Oh, good.
Ooh, I should go.

I need to get all the cat hair
off the furniture

before Cassie comes.

Great speech, T.

At one point I think you sprayed
some of your mouth phlegm

onto your armpit sweat.
That was magical.

Thanks.
Well, I got about $3.50

of crystal money
in my pocket.

Is that enough to buy me
a new shirt on the way home?

Probably not.

But maybe
a medium frozen yogurt?

Three spoons?
Deal.

You can make it two spoons.

I like to use my hands.

TINA: Nope. Nope.
LOUISE: Nope. Nope.

♪ Crystal power ♪

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power

♪ When you and your partner
have an oral report ♪

♪ And you're feeling really
out of sorts ♪

♪ Maybe get yourself
a nice crystal, it'll ♪

♪ Only stab you a little ♪

♪ Crystal power ♪

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power.

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