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- You'd be
2
00:01:13,689 --> 00:01:17,220
- So easy to love
3
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- So easy to idolize
4
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- All others above
5
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:29,954
- So worth the yearning for
6
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:36,921
- So swell to keep
Every home fire burning for
7
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- We'd be
8
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- So grand at the game
9
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- So carefree together
That it
10
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- Does seem a shame
11
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- That you can't see
12
00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:55,220
- Your future with me
13
00:01:55,221 --> 00:01:58,888
- 'Cause you'd be
Oh-so-easy to love -
14
00:01:58,889 --> 00:02:01,888
There's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really.
15
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,387
There's an old joke
about a prizefighter in the ring.
16
00:02:05,388 --> 00:02:08,220
He's getting his brains beat out.
17
00:02:08,221 --> 00:02:12,654
And his mother's in the audience,
and she's watching him getting beaten up.
18
00:02:12,655 --> 00:02:18,021
There's a priest next to her
and she says, "Father, pray for him."
19
00:02:18,022 --> 00:02:22,688
And the priest says, "I will,
but if he could punch, it would help."
20
00:02:22,689 --> 00:02:25,754
There's more insight in thatjoke,
21
00:02:25,755 --> 00:02:30,021
into what I call the Giant So What
22
00:02:30,022 --> 00:02:32,888
than most books on philosophy.
23
00:02:32,889 --> 00:02:35,220
Women.
24
00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:41,120
Camus said that women are all
that we're ever going to know
25
00:02:41,121 --> 00:02:43,721
of paradise on earth.
26
00:02:43,722 --> 00:02:47,354
In your case, Falk,
there is a seminal joke
27
00:02:47,355 --> 00:02:51,754
that Henny Youngman used to tell
that I think is perfect.
28
00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:55,054
It sums it up perfectly
as far as you go.
29
00:02:55,055 --> 00:02:56,821
Guy comes into a doctor's office.
30
00:02:56,822 --> 00:03:00,421
He says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this."
31
00:03:00,422 --> 00:03:03,821
The doctor says, "Don't do it."
32
00:03:03,822 --> 00:03:06,314
Think about that.
33
00:03:07,088 --> 00:03:10,120
That's David Dobel,
and I'm Jerry Falk.
34
00:03:10,121 --> 00:03:13,354
We spent many afternoons walking
and talking in the park.
35
00:03:13,355 --> 00:03:16,087
Did I know when I first met him
how nuts he was?
36
00:03:16,088 --> 00:03:21,621
We met at the office of some so-called
intellectual comedian's agent.
37
00:03:21,622 --> 00:03:25,187
We were comedy writers trying
to break into the business
38
00:03:25,188 --> 00:03:27,387
by writing nightclub routines for comics.
39
00:03:27,388 --> 00:03:31,621
The difference was,
I was 21 and he was 60.
40
00:03:31,622 --> 00:03:35,854
He wants truisms.
Notjustjokes. Truisms.
41
00:03:35,855 --> 00:03:39,621
We can't afford the crazy prices
for the more established...
42
00:03:39,622 --> 00:03:42,154
Let me say this, if I may.
43
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:46,854
I can't speak for David Dobel
because I don't handle him.
44
00:03:46,855 --> 00:03:49,387
In fact, Jerry and I just met him now.
45
00:03:49,388 --> 00:03:54,421
But I've handled Jerry Falk
since he began, and with Jerry Falk,
46
00:03:54,422 --> 00:03:57,287
you get top-quality goods for your money.
47
00:03:57,288 --> 00:04:00,487
You can buy a suit and get
the same cut in a cheap fabric
48
00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:05,621
as you can in an expensive fabric.
Jerry gives you affordable fabric,
49
00:04:05,622 --> 00:04:10,621
a quality fabric, at affordable prices.
Is this gabardine?
50
00:04:10,622 --> 00:04:13,688
Who is that piece goods salesman
who handles you?
51
00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:16,821
Harvey? Don't ask.
My cross to bear.
52
00:04:16,822 --> 00:04:20,320
I'd love to dump him,
but I'm his only client.
53
00:04:20,321 --> 00:04:22,854
You pay that troll
ten percent of your salary?
54
00:04:22,855 --> 00:04:26,154
20. Actually, 25.
It's a long story.
55
00:04:26,155 --> 00:04:29,454
He was there for me
when my marriage broke up.
56
00:04:29,455 --> 00:04:32,754
Your... don't tell me
you got married young.
57
00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:36,020
You thought it would be exciting.
It turned out to be hebetudinous
58
00:04:36,021 --> 00:04:38,587
and you dumped her.
Am I right?
59
00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:41,987
You are not. She left me.
I can't leave anybody.
60
00:04:41,988 --> 00:04:46,220
It's my main problem in analysis.
I'm afraid to sleep alone. "Hebetudinous?"
61
00:04:46,221 --> 00:04:49,554
- You're in analysis already?
- Yes. Very committed, actually.
62
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:52,220
I turned down some TV jobs
in Los Angeles
63
00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:54,953
because my shrink felt
we weren't finished yet.
64
00:04:54,954 --> 00:04:57,821
You chose psychoanalysis over real life?
65
00:04:57,822 --> 00:05:00,087
Are you learning disabled?
66
00:05:00,088 --> 00:05:03,154
[Falk:] Obviously, you're not familiar
with analysis.
67
00:05:03,155 --> 00:05:06,421
Wrong. I'm completely familiar with it.
68
00:05:06,422 --> 00:05:09,987
Similar hustlers tried to fob it
off on me at Payne Whitney.
69
00:05:09,988 --> 00:05:13,487
- You were in Payne Whitney?
- That's right. A nuthouse.
70
00:05:13,488 --> 00:05:16,187
I was in the psycho ward
for six months,
71
00:05:16,188 --> 00:05:19,120
a vacation I don't look back on
with great nostalgia.
72
00:05:19,121 --> 00:05:21,120
Really?
73
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,521
Relax.
You don't have to move away.
74
00:05:23,522 --> 00:05:27,054
Oh, no. I'm not suggesting
you were violent.
75
00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:31,054
But I was violent.
That's why they put you in a straitjacket.
76
00:05:31,055 --> 00:05:33,354
You were in a straitjacket?
77
00:05:33,355 --> 00:05:36,521
I'm not going to take an ax
and split your head open.
78
00:05:36,522 --> 00:05:39,487
- Don't be scared.
- I'm just surprised.
79
00:05:39,488 --> 00:05:41,421
What happened?
Why were you there?
80
00:05:41,422 --> 00:05:43,054
I broke up with this girl,
81
00:05:43,055 --> 00:05:47,287
and they put me
with a psychiatrist who said,
82
00:05:47,288 --> 00:05:51,754
"Why did you get so depressed,
83
00:05:51,755 --> 00:05:56,020
"and do all those things you did?"
I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me."
84
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:59,054
And he said,
"Well, we have to look into that."
85
00:05:59,055 --> 00:06:02,621
And I said, "There's nothing to look into!
I wanted her and she left me."
86
00:06:02,622 --> 00:06:07,254
And he said, "Well, why are you feeling
so intense?"
87
00:06:07,255 --> 00:06:10,821
And I said, "Cause I want the girl!"
And he said, "What's underneath it?"
88
00:06:10,822 --> 00:06:13,320
And I said, "Nothing!"
89
00:06:13,321 --> 00:06:15,554
He said, "I'll have to
give you medication."
90
00:06:15,555 --> 00:06:18,187
I said, "I don't want medication!
I want the girl!"
91
00:06:18,188 --> 00:06:21,020
And he said,
"We have to work this through."
92
00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:25,020
So, I took a fire extinguisher
from the casement
93
00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:27,721
and struck him across
the back of his neck.
94
00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:30,387
And before I knew it,
guys from Con Ed
95
00:06:30,388 --> 00:06:35,254
had jumper cables in my head
and the rest was...
96
00:06:35,255 --> 00:06:37,320
Why are you in analysis?
97
00:06:37,321 --> 00:06:40,154
You're afraid to sleep alone.
What else?
98
00:06:40,155 --> 00:06:42,187
Fear of death.
99
00:06:42,188 --> 00:06:45,087
That's funny. I have that, too!
My dog has it.
100
00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:47,287
It's very common to living creatures.
101
00:06:47,288 --> 00:06:50,154
And I have rough patches
with my girlfriend.
102
00:06:50,155 --> 00:06:52,354
- You have a girlfriend?
- I am deeply in love.
103
00:06:52,355 --> 00:06:53,187
Really?
104
00:06:53,188 --> 00:06:58,621
Yes, with the most beautiful,
charming, sexy...
105
00:06:58,622 --> 00:07:01,587
- But there are rough patches.
- We'll get through them.
106
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:05,020
But there are painful conflicts.
107
00:07:05,021 --> 00:07:08,421
She can be difficult.
But you'd love her. She's a knockout.
108
00:07:08,422 --> 00:07:11,787
- A knockout, but impossible.
- I never said impossible.
109
00:07:11,788 --> 00:07:14,421
- You did!
- Difficult. She can be difficult.
110
00:07:14,422 --> 00:07:18,220
Now she's difficult.
Soon, she'll be impossible.
111
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:22,521
She's very supportive of my goals.
What are these goals?
112
00:07:22,522 --> 00:07:24,287
I want to write a novel.
113
00:07:24,288 --> 00:07:27,421
A novel about man's fate
in the empty universe.
114
00:07:27,422 --> 00:07:32,120
No god, no hope, just human suffering
and loneliness.
115
00:07:32,121 --> 00:07:35,521
Stick to jokes, that's where the money is.
Want a lift?
116
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:38,454
No, I'm okay.
I'm meeting my girlfriend.
117
00:07:38,455 --> 00:07:40,721
Today is our anniversary.
118
00:07:40,722 --> 00:07:44,753
You know, maybe next week,
if you'd like,
119
00:07:44,754 --> 00:07:48,154
we could drive out to watch
that intellectual comedian
120
00:07:48,155 --> 00:07:52,787
parade his amphigories for us.
121
00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:54,987
Sure. That'd be great.
122
00:07:54,988 --> 00:08:00,054
It's funny. I was once in a cab...
this was years ago.
123
00:08:00,055 --> 00:08:02,853
And I was pouring my heart out
to the driver
124
00:08:02,854 --> 00:08:06,087
about all the stuff
you were prattling on about...
125
00:08:06,088 --> 00:08:09,454
life, death, the empty universe,
126
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,287
the meaning of existence,
human suffering.
127
00:08:12,288 --> 00:08:15,354
And the cab driver said to me:
128
00:08:15,355 --> 00:08:18,753
"You know, it's like anything else."
129
00:08:18,754 --> 00:08:20,680
Think about that.
130
00:08:21,622 --> 00:08:25,654
He was a teacher who lived on
Roosevelt Island. Public school.
131
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:29,521
Too frightened to quit
and write comedy full-time because,
132
00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:33,254
as he said,
he knew what it was to starve.
133
00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:36,254
"Amphigories"?
"Hebetudinous"?
134
00:08:36,255 --> 00:08:39,287
Meanwhile, I'm on my way
to meet Amanda.
135
00:08:39,288 --> 00:08:42,054
I'll be on time, she'll be late.
136
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,953
She's late, she's disorganized.
137
00:08:44,954 --> 00:08:47,187
Incidentally, that's not our big problem.
138
00:08:47,188 --> 00:08:50,621
She drives me crazy,
but wait till you meet her.
139
00:08:50,622 --> 00:08:53,217
She is adorable!
140
00:09:11,388 --> 00:09:13,919
- Jerry!
- Amanda! Hey!
141
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,620
- Am I late?
- Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.
142
00:09:17,621 --> 00:09:20,520
Can you pay for the cab?
I forgot my wallet.
143
00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:23,980
Pay for the cab?
Are you getting the picture?
144
00:09:25,221 --> 00:09:28,320
You know, we did say 7:30.
145
00:09:28,321 --> 00:09:30,484
Sorry!
146
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:35,211
It was pretty tough to get a reservation.
147
00:09:35,754 --> 00:09:38,786
- What's the matter?
- I'm in a bad mood.
148
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:43,086
- I can see. Why?
- I did terribly at an audition today.
149
00:09:43,087 --> 00:09:45,652
You always think you did badly.
150
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:50,320
I felt so confident until I got up to read,
then I completely froze.
151
00:09:50,321 --> 00:09:53,286
Don't obsess.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
152
00:09:53,287 --> 00:09:57,853
I'm my own worst enemy.
I could play that part in my sleep.
153
00:09:57,854 --> 00:10:00,520
I know you can.
Just calm down.
154
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:04,919
We'll go have a good dinner.
We'll have wine, you can relax.
155
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:09,186
I got to tell you about this character I met.
He's fascinating.
156
00:10:09,187 --> 00:10:13,476
Don't be mad at me, but I ate.
157
00:10:15,087 --> 00:10:16,953
You ate?
158
00:10:16,954 --> 00:10:20,953
I was starving when I got back
from the audition,
159
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,753
so I had a little sliver
of that Sara Lee cheesecake.
160
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:28,753
Then I had another one.
You know what I'm like when I get started.
161
00:10:28,754 --> 00:10:31,387
Pretty soon, I'd eaten the whole cake.
162
00:10:31,388 --> 00:10:35,020
You ate the whole
Sara Lee cheesecake?
163
00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:39,053
Then I figured, what the hell!
I finished the spaghetti in the refrigerator,
164
00:10:39,054 --> 00:10:43,253
ate that last lobster tail
and heated up a chicken pot pie.
165
00:10:43,254 --> 00:10:46,053
Is there any furniture
left in the house?
166
00:10:46,054 --> 00:10:49,453
I'm so fat, it's disgusting.
167
00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:51,586
How could you eat before dinner?
168
00:10:51,587 --> 00:10:55,086
I'm sorry. I was so angry at myself
for screwing up.
169
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:57,552
I couldn't help it.
170
00:10:57,553 --> 00:10:59,919
I reserved a corner booth.
171
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:05,286
It's okay. You can order and I'll get
a club soda. I'm dieting anyway.
172
00:11:05,287 --> 00:11:08,953
I can't take their best booth
with just one of us eating.
173
00:11:08,954 --> 00:11:10,552
It's not nice.
174
00:11:10,553 --> 00:11:12,919
- It's fine.
- No, it's not.
175
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:16,420
It's dinner hour.
The restaurant's jam-packed.
176
00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:18,853
How does it look?
177
00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:22,652
Why do you always care
what other people think?
178
00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:26,020
It's embarrassing
ifjust one of us eats.
179
00:11:26,021 --> 00:11:29,819
Okay. I'll order a meal
and I just won't eat it.
180
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,853
I can't do that.
181
00:11:31,854 --> 00:11:34,153
So order me a steak,
I'll get a doggie bag,
182
00:11:34,154 --> 00:11:36,387
and it'll be my insomnia snack.
183
00:11:36,388 --> 00:11:38,919
What kind of anniversary dinner is that?
184
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:43,353
"Can I have one dinner, and can you
put a steak in a doggie bag?"
185
00:11:43,354 --> 00:11:46,619
I thought we'd sit over some wine
186
00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:50,786
and I'd look in your eyes and
tell you how beautiful you are.
187
00:11:50,787 --> 00:11:53,353
I'm not beautiful. I'm fat.
188
00:11:53,354 --> 00:11:57,519
Okay, I'll cancel the reservation.
189
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:02,286
Let's go home. I'll make myself
some eggs or something.
190
00:12:02,287 --> 00:12:05,686
There are no more eggs.
I ate them.
191
00:12:05,687 --> 00:12:07,853
[Amanda:] What are you doing?
192
00:12:07,854 --> 00:12:12,453
I made myself a sandwich.
There were some cans of tuna left.
193
00:12:12,454 --> 00:12:15,853
Thank God she hasn't learned how to use
the new electric can opener yet.
194
00:12:15,854 --> 00:12:18,086
My mother's moving in with us.
195
00:12:18,087 --> 00:12:21,320
- What?
- I'm so angry at her.
196
00:12:21,321 --> 00:12:23,753
Wait a minute.
Did I miss something?
197
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:26,086
She left her boyfriend.
198
00:12:26,087 --> 00:12:29,519
What happened?
I thought she was finally settled.
199
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,420
What happened is she's Madame Bovary.
200
00:12:32,421 --> 00:12:37,153
She's married to a Park Avenue doctor
and that's too dull for her.
201
00:12:37,154 --> 00:12:39,619
Then there's Tom,
the money market maven,
202
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:43,686
and Perry, the travel agent guy.
But, no, she wants more.
203
00:12:43,687 --> 00:12:46,220
More? More what?
204
00:12:46,221 --> 00:12:50,819
I'm sure she doesn't know.
More fantasies.
205
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:53,652
Her youth back.
206
00:12:53,653 --> 00:12:57,186
She wants to "fulfill her life
before it's too late."
207
00:12:57,187 --> 00:13:00,719
- Those are her words.
- Why is she coming here?
208
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,120
She has no money.
She has nowhere else to go.
209
00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:07,619
Amanda, we have no room.
There's no room here.
210
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,387
I figured we'll put a bed in the office.
211
00:13:10,388 --> 00:13:14,186
In the office, Amanda?
That's where I write.
212
00:13:14,187 --> 00:13:17,652
That's where I create.
My whole world is in there.
213
00:13:17,653 --> 00:13:19,753
You can create in the living room.
214
00:13:19,754 --> 00:13:24,220
In the? No, Amanda.
Everything is in there, okay?
215
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,519
That's my space.
It's where I write.
216
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,387
All of my rituals
revolve around my space.
217
00:13:30,388 --> 00:13:32,519
- I can't...
- She's my mother.
218
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,986
- She's not staying in a shelter.
- Why didn't you tell me earlier?
219
00:13:35,987 --> 00:13:40,853
- I didn't want to ruin your dinner.
- My anniversary tuna fish sandwich?
220
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:45,552
You're making matters worse, okay?
You're giving me a migraine.
221
00:13:45,553 --> 00:13:47,186
[Phone rings]
Hello.
222
00:13:47,187 --> 00:13:52,753
I'll only be a minute.
When I left you, I ran into Danny Wax.
223
00:13:52,754 --> 00:13:58,086
He said the baby-sitter routine
you wrote for him is not working.
224
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,419
There are no laughs.
Not one laugh in that routine.
225
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:04,719
People are sitting with stone faces.
226
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,953
The routine is fine.
The guy's just in the wrong profession.
227
00:14:08,954 --> 00:14:13,819
That's what I told him. I said, "Danny,
you've been around for a long time.
228
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,484
"You think there's a reason
you never made it?"
229
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:20,220
No tact.
None. None.
230
00:14:20,221 --> 00:14:24,953
I said to him, "Danny, a man buys a suit.
231
00:14:24,954 --> 00:14:27,352
"He says he's happy with it.
232
00:14:27,353 --> 00:14:30,086
"Then he sees another suit.
233
00:14:30,087 --> 00:14:32,386
Suddenly he doesn't want
the suit he's got!
234
00:14:32,387 --> 00:14:37,086
"He wants a new suit.
He's not happy with the old one."
235
00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:40,120
Right, yeah.
Listen, I'm a little busy now.
236
00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:42,020
Can I ring you back?
237
00:14:42,021 --> 00:14:46,186
I was up to NBC.
There is nothing doing up there.
238
00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:48,953
Not right now.
Things being equal, they'll change.
239
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:53,386
Right now they're not equal.
I'd like to have lunch with you this week.
240
00:14:53,387 --> 00:14:56,053
I need a business thing done.
We have to talk.
241
00:14:56,054 --> 00:14:58,286
I got a business thing to discuss.
242
00:14:58,287 --> 00:15:02,853
What kind of business?
What do you mean?
243
00:15:02,854 --> 00:15:06,053
There's nothing to get anxious about.
It's about the future.
244
00:15:06,054 --> 00:15:08,615
Good-bye.
245
00:15:09,787 --> 00:15:12,919
Jerry, do you think I'm fat?
246
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,519
I think you're amazing-looking.
247
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,086
You're just used to the losers
you dated before me.
248
00:15:18,087 --> 00:15:21,253
Losers? Not all of them were losers.
249
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:24,253
What is behind your back?
Something for me?
250
00:15:24,254 --> 00:15:27,153
- This is for you. Happy anniversary.
- Happy anniversary.
251
00:15:27,154 --> 00:15:30,552
You have to forgive the wrapping.
252
00:15:30,553 --> 00:15:32,919
I lost my temper
when I couldn't get it even.
253
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,619
I can tell. Not exactly a work of art,
but I forgive you.
254
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:38,053
Open, open.
255
00:15:38,054 --> 00:15:41,719
- I think I know what these are.
- Do you?
256
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,020
These are the earrings from downtown!
257
00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:46,053
I couldn't not get them for you.
258
00:15:46,054 --> 00:15:49,552
You look so good
in those kind of earrings.
259
00:15:49,553 --> 00:15:51,519
Do I?
260
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,652
Beautiful.
Absolutely beautiful.
261
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:57,252
- Thank you.
- You like them?
262
00:15:57,253 --> 00:16:01,686
You're the only one I've ever dated
who's known exactly what to get me.
263
00:16:01,687 --> 00:16:05,686
It's because you have
a special vision of me.
264
00:16:05,687 --> 00:16:08,519
"No Exit" and "The Flies."
Jean Paul Sartre.
265
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,319
That's amazing. Thank you.
266
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,886
It was between that and O'Neill.
267
00:16:12,887 --> 00:16:16,153
I couldn't decide whose
nihilistic pessimism made you happier.
268
00:16:16,154 --> 00:16:18,953
I think it was Tennessee Williams
269
00:16:18,954 --> 00:16:22,708
who said that the opposite of death
is desire.
270
00:16:23,353 --> 00:16:26,852
[Falk:] And I desired you
from the first moment we met.
271
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:30,419
I could live down here.
It's so beautiful.
272
00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:34,485
It is. It's very pretty.
I don't know about living down here.
273
00:16:34,486 --> 00:16:39,619
I like to visit, but I like to go home
to the Upper East Side.
274
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:44,719
You wouldn't consider it?
After we get married, move to the Village.
275
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,786
Why is marriage so important?
I just got out of a marriage.
276
00:16:48,787 --> 00:16:52,252
Just because we get
a signed piece of paper?
277
00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:54,452
You moved in with me.
We're a couple, right?
278
00:16:54,453 --> 00:16:58,585
Yes, we moved in together.
We've been dating over a year now.
279
00:16:58,586 --> 00:17:00,752
I guess I'm old-fashioned.
280
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:04,819
I know. All your girlfriends
are getting married...
281
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:07,786
- Falk, what's up?
- Bob, how are you?
282
00:17:07,787 --> 00:17:10,519
Bob, this is Brooke.
Brooke, Bob Stiles.
283
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,318
- How's it going?
- Falk and Brooke.
284
00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:15,352
This is Amanda.
This is Falk.
285
00:17:15,353 --> 00:17:17,381
This is Brooke.
286
00:17:18,353 --> 00:17:20,585
So, what are you guys doing down here?
287
00:17:20,586 --> 00:17:23,752
She just bought her dad
a ridiculous birthday present.
288
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:27,619
You think it's ridiculous.
I think it's great.
289
00:17:27,620 --> 00:17:30,086
Let them see it.
Maybe I'm wrong.
290
00:17:30,087 --> 00:17:33,419
- Oh, that's a...
- A turn-of-the century stereopticon.
291
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,886
You knew that.
292
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,786
Wait. It's complete
with pornographic slides.
293
00:17:38,787 --> 00:17:41,619
- Isn't it wonderful?
- I think it's brilliant.
294
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:44,086
[Bob:] Just what he needs,
antique pornography.
295
00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:46,552
I always thought you had
a little yen for your dad.
296
00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:47,552
Ha ha.
297
00:17:47,553 --> 00:17:50,619
Hey! We're going to a great
Indian restaurant tomorrow night.
298
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:52,986
We want to invite you.
I've hyped you to Amanda.
299
00:17:52,987 --> 00:17:55,786
- You can only disappoint.
- That sounds great.
300
00:17:55,787 --> 00:17:58,952
- Are we busy tomorrow night?
- We're taking my parents out.
301
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:01,652
But that was tentative, I thought.
302
00:18:01,653 --> 00:18:05,852
- You hate Indian food.
- "Hate." That's a strong word.
303
00:18:05,853 --> 00:18:08,285
I've wanted to give it a second chance
304
00:18:08,286 --> 00:18:12,152
since I realized how much you...
she loves tandoori chicken.
305
00:18:12,153 --> 00:18:15,686
- Come on. It'll be fun.
- I should give it another shot.
306
00:18:15,687 --> 00:18:19,619
What I love about Bogart
is that he's so intensely urban.
307
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:24,086
The cigarette,
the five o'clock shadow.
308
00:18:24,087 --> 00:18:26,619
Always in some seedy nightclub.
309
00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:31,185
Didn't I say that exact same thing
about Frank Sinatra? Urban.
310
00:18:31,186 --> 00:18:34,318
Exactly. I even used the term.
That's...
311
00:18:34,319 --> 00:18:36,118
Where did you go to school?
312
00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:40,585
Ethical culture. Fieldston.
Brandeis. But I dropped out.
313
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:44,218
One of her professors
fell in love with her.
314
00:18:44,219 --> 00:18:47,053
It was terrible.
He was married.
315
00:18:47,054 --> 00:18:50,686
It was way too much pressure
for all of us. His poor wife!
316
00:18:50,687 --> 00:18:55,053
In addition to acting,
she's a very good singer.
317
00:18:55,054 --> 00:19:00,019
I try to sing, but then I hear someone
like Billie Holiday, and forget about it!
318
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,952
She's your favorite!
319
00:19:02,953 --> 00:19:06,252
But you can't listen to the CD's, right?
They sterilize the sound.
320
00:19:06,253 --> 00:19:10,085
Didn't I say that?
I absolutely agree with you.
321
00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:13,352
It totally sterilizes...
that's so funny.
322
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:17,452
Actually, someone told me
about this seedy record store
323
00:19:17,453 --> 00:19:21,886
that has all of her old recordings
on 78s and 33s.
324
00:19:21,887 --> 00:19:26,313
I'd love to know about it.
She is amazing.
325
00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:29,719
It's early.
Let's go to the Village Vanguard.
326
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,952
Diana Krall is playing.
It should be a great show.
327
00:19:33,953 --> 00:19:38,519
I'll get so discouraged,
but I am dying to see her.
328
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,252
- Great.
- You get up so early to write.
329
00:19:41,253 --> 00:19:45,185
Yeah, but I did most of my stuff
for tomorrow, so...
330
00:19:45,186 --> 00:19:48,052
- Should we? What do you...
- Yeah, sure.
331
00:19:48,053 --> 00:19:52,419
- Hide your heart from sight
332
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:56,352
- Lock your dreams at night
333
00:19:56,353 --> 00:20:01,052
- It could happen to you
334
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:07,275
- Don't count stars
Or you might stumble
335
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:13,085
- Someone drops a sigh
336
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:18,352
- And down you tumble
337
00:20:18,353 --> 00:20:22,752
- Keep an eye on spring
338
00:20:22,753 --> 00:20:26,952
- Run when church bells ring
339
00:20:26,953 --> 00:20:32,617
- It could happen to you
340
00:20:33,553 --> 00:20:36,910
She's so moving.
341
00:20:38,219 --> 00:20:42,419
I agree. She's totally moving.
342
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:45,948
Absolutely.
You've captured her.
343
00:20:49,019 --> 00:20:52,444
[Applause]
344
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:56,052
What was I saying?
345
00:20:56,053 --> 00:20:59,452
I'd love to take one of those boats
down the Amazon.
346
00:20:59,453 --> 00:21:01,619
It's supposed to be so beautiful.
347
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,545
Not tonight?
348
00:21:05,453 --> 00:21:11,352
Of course not tonight.
I was... that's funny.
349
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:16,018
But how thrilling that would be.
That would be so thrilling.
350
00:21:16,019 --> 00:21:18,719
You hate heat.
You hate mosquitoes.
351
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:24,218
I hate malaria. It's malaria, remember?
I don't hate all mosquitoes.
352
00:21:24,219 --> 00:21:28,252
I want to see the parrots
and the giant butterflies.
353
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:32,018
I've seen pictures in National Geographic.
They're gorgeous!
354
00:21:32,019 --> 00:21:36,085
Giant, huge...
And wild monkeys would be...
355
00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:40,252
Monkeys?
How much have you had to drink?
356
00:21:40,253 --> 00:21:42,018
Do you like snakes?
357
00:21:42,019 --> 00:21:44,052
Do I like snakes?
358
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:48,218
Some people get queasy around them,
but I think they're beautiful.
359
00:21:48,219 --> 00:21:51,318
The way they move...
it's so sensual.
360
00:21:51,319 --> 00:21:55,852
So sen... I love snakes.
Cobras, for example.
361
00:21:55,853 --> 00:21:58,285
- Pythons.
- Naturally. Pythons.
362
00:21:58,286 --> 00:22:01,018
Garters. Rattlesnakes.
I love them all.
363
00:22:01,019 --> 00:22:05,352
- I cannot believe I'm hearing this.
- Oh, please.
364
00:22:05,353 --> 00:22:10,852
I've often said, often, that there's
nothing like a dense jungle in the rain.
365
00:22:10,853 --> 00:22:13,152
- I've said this.
- [Brooke:] You're drunk.
366
00:22:13,153 --> 00:22:15,352
- That's not true.
- Speaking of rain,
367
00:22:15,353 --> 00:22:17,686
there's supposed to be
a hurricane tonight.
368
00:22:17,687 --> 00:22:20,385
We should rent a car
and drive to the Hamptons.
369
00:22:20,386 --> 00:22:23,318
- We could walk on the beach...
- He hates the Hamptons.
370
00:22:23,319 --> 00:22:25,419
Nobody hates the ocean.
371
00:22:25,420 --> 00:22:30,585
She's up for anything.
It's too late for me. I can't.
372
00:22:30,586 --> 00:22:33,585
Don't you have an audition tomorrow?
373
00:22:33,586 --> 00:22:37,519
"My candle burns at both ends,
it will not last the night."
374
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,652
Millay! Edna Millay!
She's my favorite poet!
375
00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:45,510
Don't I quote her all the time?
Edna Millay...
376
00:22:46,787 --> 00:22:49,177
Amanda's pretty, isn't she?
377
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:54,385
- She's okay, I suppose.
- You're drunk.
378
00:22:54,386 --> 00:22:56,619
I was looking at her face
in the candlelight
379
00:22:56,620 --> 00:23:01,552
and she has this offbeat sexual quality.
380
00:23:01,553 --> 00:23:04,885
Yeah, I guess.
If, uh, you know,
381
00:23:04,886 --> 00:23:08,452
if you find that crippling sense
382
00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:12,851
of passionate heat
behind those big eyes sexy.
383
00:23:12,852 --> 00:23:14,985
- Huh?
- Hmm?
384
00:23:14,986 --> 00:23:18,018
- Nothing.
- Bob's crazy about her.
385
00:23:18,019 --> 00:23:21,052
I got the whole story while you were
in the men's room throwing up.
386
00:23:21,053 --> 00:23:23,652
I'm fine.
Believe me, I'm okay.
387
00:23:23,653 --> 00:23:26,918
She moved in with him
and I get the feeling
388
00:23:26,919 --> 00:23:29,519
he is dying to marry her.
389
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,885
- Oh, yeah?
- They make a nice couple.
390
00:23:32,886 --> 00:23:35,652
He's charming and very attractive.
391
00:23:35,653 --> 00:23:37,519
Are you okay?
392
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,377
Yeah.
393
00:23:56,852 --> 00:24:00,318
Amanda? Hey, it's Jerry Falk.
394
00:24:00,319 --> 00:24:02,085
Good, good. You?
395
00:24:02,086 --> 00:24:07,085
Listen, I was just about to go to
this old record store I found out about.
396
00:24:07,086 --> 00:24:10,851
I know you were interested
in picking up some Billie Holiday.
397
00:24:10,852 --> 00:24:15,918
I'm actually vaguely near your house,
so I thought that, um...
398
00:24:15,919 --> 00:24:19,515
I mean, if you and Bob are busy...
399
00:24:20,919 --> 00:24:26,452
Right. Of course. He would be at work.
What was I thinking?
400
00:24:26,453 --> 00:24:31,351
I could be there pretty soon.
Maybe, say, three minutes?
401
00:24:31,352 --> 00:24:35,778
Great. I'll meet you in front
of your place. Bye.
402
00:25:24,386 --> 00:25:26,085
These are great.
403
00:25:26,086 --> 00:25:30,684
Let me get you this Diana Krall record
as a present
404
00:25:30,685 --> 00:25:34,251
since I know how big of a fan you are.
405
00:25:34,252 --> 00:25:37,118
- Wasn't she great the other night?
- So great.
406
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:40,485
I love that you appreciate old songs.
They're so pretty.
407
00:25:40,486 --> 00:25:42,984
I'd love to hear you sing sometime.
408
00:25:42,985 --> 00:25:46,485
I can't sing publicly.
I'm too fat.
409
00:25:46,486 --> 00:25:51,251
- Fat? I'm sorry. Did you say fat?
- But I have these great diet pills.
410
00:25:51,252 --> 00:25:55,678
They take away your appetite,
but increase your sexual drive.
411
00:25:57,453 --> 00:26:00,251
Is that how you met Bob?
412
00:26:00,252 --> 00:26:02,651
From his record company?
413
00:26:02,652 --> 00:26:05,651
No. He picked me up
in Central Park, actually.
414
00:26:05,652 --> 00:26:07,285
Oh, how funny.
415
00:26:07,286 --> 00:26:11,485
And you guys got...
seriously involved?
416
00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:14,884
No. He'd like to, but...
417
00:26:14,885 --> 00:26:17,018
I can't commit.
418
00:26:17,019 --> 00:26:19,218
I have a problem with commitment.
419
00:26:19,219 --> 00:26:23,784
I dream of meeting someone
who I'll want to give myself over to,
420
00:26:23,785 --> 00:26:26,485
where I'd be the one
hurt in the end.
421
00:26:26,486 --> 00:26:30,485
But it hasn't happened yet. You?
422
00:26:30,486 --> 00:26:31,951
Me neither.
423
00:26:31,952 --> 00:26:35,751
Um, unfortunately, same here.
424
00:26:35,752 --> 00:26:40,118
Brooke and I are in
the last stages, basically.
425
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:41,718
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
426
00:26:41,719 --> 00:26:44,884
- She didn't give me that impression.
- She didn't?
427
00:26:44,885 --> 00:26:50,452
Well, that's strange, because that's
the only impression to give, really.
428
00:26:50,453 --> 00:26:54,185
Oh! Look at this, uh, record.
Cole Porter.
429
00:26:54,186 --> 00:26:58,418
This is a fantas...
really pretty songs on here.
430
00:26:58,419 --> 00:27:02,351
Let me get you this as a little present.
Can I do that?
431
00:27:02,352 --> 00:27:07,175
I was actually listening to this last night,
and I thought of you.
432
00:27:08,019 --> 00:27:11,183
You were listening to Cole Porter
and thought of me?
433
00:27:12,219 --> 00:27:14,950
You must really have a crush on me.
434
00:27:15,453 --> 00:27:17,818
I do?
435
00:27:17,819 --> 00:27:20,415
I'd say it's fatal.
436
00:27:31,552 --> 00:27:35,444
I'm sorry.
I, uh... I couldn't resist.
437
00:27:36,319 --> 00:27:39,218
Don't apologize.
I wanted you to.
438
00:27:39,219 --> 00:27:41,185
You did?
439
00:27:41,186 --> 00:27:44,452
Yes. I've had a crush on you
since we met.
440
00:27:44,453 --> 00:27:48,018
Couldn't you tell,
the way I was ignoring you?
441
00:27:48,019 --> 00:27:53,951
Well, there was something
compelling about your apathy.
442
00:27:53,952 --> 00:28:00,684
I thought you were sweet
and sensitive and vulnerable.
443
00:28:00,685 --> 00:28:03,349
And I could tell you liked me, too.
444
00:28:06,386 --> 00:28:09,208
I can't believe
I'm in love with a smoker.
445
00:28:10,252 --> 00:28:13,211
I don't want anyone to get hurt.
446
00:28:16,352 --> 00:28:19,385
Where were you?
It's 10:00.
447
00:28:19,386 --> 00:28:23,517
Where?
Well, um, I had a meeting to go to.
448
00:28:23,518 --> 00:28:25,718
- You smell from alcohol.
- I do?
449
00:28:25,719 --> 00:28:28,318
My God, your tongue is black!
450
00:28:28,319 --> 00:28:30,718
It is? Well, um...
451
00:28:30,719 --> 00:28:33,318
that's because I had some wine.
452
00:28:33,319 --> 00:28:35,718
Wine? Why?
It's not Passover.
453
00:28:35,719 --> 00:28:39,851
No. Uh, to celebrate.
Uh, the deal.
454
00:28:39,852 --> 00:28:41,418
What deal?
455
00:28:41,419 --> 00:28:45,651
I have to tell you, um, it looks like
I have a great opportunity
456
00:28:45,652 --> 00:28:48,185
to work for, for, um, a very,
457
00:28:48,186 --> 00:28:51,018
very funny, uh, puppet.
458
00:28:51,019 --> 00:28:54,151
It's, uh... remember I...
459
00:28:54,152 --> 00:28:56,815
Is this a woman's hair?
460
00:29:01,752 --> 00:29:05,551
Is this...
is this a woman's hair?
461
00:29:05,552 --> 00:29:09,718
I mean, it could be...
462
00:29:09,719 --> 00:29:12,085
I suppose.
463
00:29:12,086 --> 00:29:14,318
Possibly from, uh, the taxi.
464
00:29:14,319 --> 00:29:18,551
It was... I mean, I think, you know,
all the people in and out,
465
00:29:18,552 --> 00:29:21,218
I probably sat up in...
466
00:29:21,219 --> 00:29:24,851
I guess, the woman's hair.
I am exhausted.
467
00:29:24,852 --> 00:29:28,051
She asked me if I still love her.
What could I say?
468
00:29:28,052 --> 00:29:31,818
Why can't I tell her the truth?
I'm in love with Amanda.
469
00:29:31,819 --> 00:29:35,551
Why can't I tell her it's over?
Why can't I leave people?
470
00:29:35,552 --> 00:29:37,318
Tell me about your dream.
471
00:29:37,319 --> 00:29:40,018
The Cleveland Indians gotjobs
at Toys R Us?
472
00:29:40,019 --> 00:29:42,551
Yeah. So what can it possibly mean?
473
00:29:42,552 --> 00:29:47,018
Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here
describing lunatic dreams.
474
00:29:47,019 --> 00:29:49,718
I have a date with Amanda.
475
00:29:49,719 --> 00:29:53,385
I can't keep running around town
on the sly and live like this.
476
00:29:53,386 --> 00:29:56,417
Amanda can handle it,
but I need help.
477
00:29:56,418 --> 00:30:00,484
What do I do? I have to
extricate myself from Brooke.
478
00:30:00,485 --> 00:30:03,842
It'll break her heart.
She wants to marry me!
479
00:30:07,386 --> 00:30:10,484
The guy will not talk.
I've been with him for three years.
480
00:30:10,485 --> 00:30:12,884
What comes to mind
about the Cleveland Indians?
481
00:30:12,885 --> 00:30:16,051
See? This is what I get.
I need a course of action,
482
00:30:16,052 --> 00:30:21,384
and he wants me to free-associate
about the Cleveland Indians.
483
00:30:21,385 --> 00:30:25,684
[Amanda:] I love doing it in hotels.
It's so illicit.
484
00:30:25,685 --> 00:30:29,951
Check yourself for shoulder-length hairs
in hard-to-justify locations.
485
00:30:29,952 --> 00:30:33,517
I have to decide how to
let Brooke down gracefully.
486
00:30:33,518 --> 00:30:37,551
There's no rush.
I've been the other woman before.
487
00:30:37,552 --> 00:30:39,984
Bob wasn't upset when you told him?
488
00:30:39,985 --> 00:30:44,417
He was disappointed.
But I was honest about myself going in.
489
00:30:44,418 --> 00:30:48,650
Naturally, I didn't tell him
it was you I was in love with.
490
00:30:52,385 --> 00:30:53,551
Brooke...
491
00:30:53,552 --> 00:30:56,417
Don't give me that!
I don't believe you!
492
00:30:56,418 --> 00:31:00,810
Those are bite marks on your back.
You didn't fall on your comb!
493
00:31:02,019 --> 00:31:05,051
What are you thinking about?
494
00:31:05,052 --> 00:31:06,617
Everything.
495
00:31:06,618 --> 00:31:10,917
When we first met,
when Brooke found out.
496
00:31:10,918 --> 00:31:16,984
Remember that? Or when we checked
into that hotel as S. And Z. Fitzgerald.
497
00:31:16,985 --> 00:31:20,784
Or how we made love everywhere.
God, everywhere.
498
00:31:20,785 --> 00:31:24,118
When I think of all the risky places
499
00:31:24,119 --> 00:31:28,218
that lust overcame the two of us,
it blows my mind.
500
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:31,151
You know Fireside Memorial Chapel
is a McDonald's now?
501
00:31:31,152 --> 00:31:35,179
Fascinating.
502
00:31:50,952 --> 00:31:52,617
Don't.
503
00:31:52,618 --> 00:31:54,118
- Why not?
- I can't.
504
00:31:54,119 --> 00:31:57,084
What do you mean?
It's not natural.
505
00:31:57,085 --> 00:31:59,018
We never sleep with each other.
506
00:31:59,019 --> 00:32:01,751
I told you I'm going
through a rough patch.
507
00:32:01,752 --> 00:32:04,684
I'll say.
It's been six months!
508
00:32:04,685 --> 00:32:06,784
I said you could sleep
with other women.
509
00:32:06,785 --> 00:32:09,517
I don't love other women.
510
00:32:09,518 --> 00:32:12,118
I don't want to sleep
with other women. I love you.
511
00:32:12,119 --> 00:32:15,517
What did I do to turn you off?
I don't get it.
512
00:32:15,518 --> 00:32:19,317
Nothing. You did nothing.
It's always about you.
513
00:32:19,318 --> 00:32:22,184
- You have such an ego.
- An ego?
514
00:32:22,185 --> 00:32:26,717
What do you want me to do?
Grit my teeth, close my eyes,
515
00:32:26,718 --> 00:32:28,984
hold myself stiff
and let you do it to me?
516
00:32:28,985 --> 00:32:33,851
It's getting to the point
where I may settle for that.
517
00:32:33,852 --> 00:32:37,218
Sometimes I think it's because
you remind me of my father.
518
00:32:37,219 --> 00:32:42,317
You once told me you thought your father
was sexually attractive.
519
00:32:42,318 --> 00:32:44,984
That's not the part of him
you remind me of.
520
00:32:44,985 --> 00:32:48,417
It's not?
What is it, then?
521
00:32:48,418 --> 00:32:51,084
You know, his professional manner.
522
00:32:51,085 --> 00:32:54,450
Sweet and supportive.
523
00:32:54,451 --> 00:33:00,650
Gee, I'm sorry I have so many
turn-off qualities. I didn't realize.
524
00:33:05,284 --> 00:33:09,917
Sleep with other women.
Just don't tell me about it.
525
00:33:09,918 --> 00:33:12,917
- Do you love me?
- What a question!
526
00:33:12,918 --> 00:33:16,343
Just because I pull away
when you touch me?
527
00:33:17,385 --> 00:33:20,018
[Dobel:] "Just because I pull away
when you touch me?"
528
00:33:20,019 --> 00:33:24,250
- Falk, give me a break.
- She said it was temporary.
529
00:33:24,251 --> 00:33:27,917
Meanwhile, you haven't consummated
your passion for her in six months!
530
00:33:27,918 --> 00:33:34,684
It's unbelievable! I have a theory
that too much rejection causes cancer.
531
00:33:34,685 --> 00:33:36,984
She encourages me
to sleep with other women.
532
00:33:36,985 --> 00:33:39,151
Well, do it! For God's sakes!
533
00:33:39,152 --> 00:33:43,684
There must be a million women who'd
be excited to get into bed with you.
534
00:33:43,685 --> 00:33:45,183
Maybe not a million,
535
00:33:45,184 --> 00:33:48,118
but I'm sure you could find one,
if you got her drunk enough.
536
00:33:48,119 --> 00:33:52,018
It doesn't matter.
I have no interest in other women.
537
00:33:52,019 --> 00:33:57,384
- See, even my first wife was...
- Wife? You were married?
538
00:33:57,385 --> 00:34:00,917
A bitter story.
I was very young.
539
00:34:00,918 --> 00:34:04,250
I should have known something
was wrong on the wedding night
540
00:34:04,251 --> 00:34:10,250
when her family danced around my table
chanting, "We will make him one of us!"
541
00:34:10,251 --> 00:34:14,684
Oh, boy! I had a rough day.
542
00:34:14,685 --> 00:34:19,283
I got up, put on a shirt
and the button came off.
543
00:34:19,284 --> 00:34:23,884
Then I went to the car to open the door,
and the handle came off.
544
00:34:23,885 --> 00:34:27,049
Now I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom.
545
00:34:29,085 --> 00:34:33,250
What did you do?
I wanted to grab the check.
546
00:34:33,251 --> 00:34:36,051
- No, you didn't.
- What do you mean? I did.
547
00:34:36,052 --> 00:34:38,150
I was grabbing the check.
548
00:34:38,151 --> 00:34:41,617
Never trust a guy
who fumbles for the check.
549
00:34:41,618 --> 00:34:43,817
He who wants to get the check,
gets it.
550
00:34:43,818 --> 00:34:48,217
As you go through life, when you
really want to get the check, you will.
551
00:34:48,218 --> 00:34:51,150
- Well, I was planning on getting it.
- Let me ask you...
552
00:34:51,151 --> 00:34:53,217
Did you hear what that guy said?
553
00:34:53,218 --> 00:34:56,917
Three people were coming in
as we were leaving.
554
00:34:56,918 --> 00:34:59,018
The swarthy guy?
555
00:34:59,019 --> 00:35:02,283
Yeah. Dark.
There were two guys and a girl.
556
00:35:02,284 --> 00:35:04,417
- I didn't hear him.
- He looked at us,
557
00:35:04,418 --> 00:35:08,484
and said to the other guy:
"Jews start all wars."
558
00:35:08,485 --> 00:35:09,717
- Did you hear that?
- No!
559
00:35:09,718 --> 00:35:15,117
Yes, absolutely. He presumably
said it to her or the guy with them,
560
00:35:15,118 --> 00:35:19,517
but it was really for our benefit.
"Jews start all wars."
561
00:35:19,518 --> 00:35:25,484
I don't think it was for my benefit
because I didn't hear anything.
562
00:35:25,485 --> 00:35:28,851
I know who you're talking about.
I saw this trio,
563
00:35:28,852 --> 00:35:32,217
but I didn't hear anything
and I have pretty good hearing.
564
00:35:32,218 --> 00:35:36,617
Because you were obsessed with
the physically prepossessing waitresses
565
00:35:36,618 --> 00:35:38,684
running around.
566
00:35:38,685 --> 00:35:41,784
Let me tell you, Falk.
We live in perilous times.
567
00:35:41,785 --> 00:35:44,417
You got to keep alert for these things.
568
00:35:44,418 --> 00:35:47,917
You don't want your life to wind up
as black-and-white newsreel footage
569
00:35:47,918 --> 00:35:53,207
scored by a cello in a minor key.
570
00:35:56,051 --> 00:35:58,217
- Hey.
- Hi.
571
00:35:58,218 --> 00:36:01,117
- How are you?
- Good. How was the comedian?
572
00:36:01,118 --> 00:36:03,784
It's exactly like Dobel says.
573
00:36:03,785 --> 00:36:07,884
There is truly a paucity
of veridical talent in the world.
574
00:36:07,885 --> 00:36:09,784
When will I meet this polymath?
575
00:36:09,785 --> 00:36:12,817
He is unbelievable.
He's read everything.
576
00:36:12,818 --> 00:36:16,550
He plays music.
He paints, or so he claims.
577
00:36:16,551 --> 00:36:18,917
I've read some of his poems...
all morbid!
578
00:36:18,918 --> 00:36:22,517
Cancer and shock treatments
and gas chambers.
579
00:36:22,518 --> 00:36:27,884
And his vocabulary is astounding.
You can't get the guy on a word.
580
00:36:27,885 --> 00:36:30,584
It's rare you're so taken with somebody.
581
00:36:30,585 --> 00:36:31,817
Hey, Mrs. Chase.
582
00:36:31,818 --> 00:36:34,851
I told you not to call me Mrs. Chase!
My name is Paula!
583
00:36:34,852 --> 00:36:39,517
Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient.
My life isn't over yet.
584
00:36:39,518 --> 00:36:42,417
- In fact, I'm just starting to live it.
- Definitely, Paula.
585
00:36:42,418 --> 00:36:44,550
And I need some help from you.
586
00:36:44,551 --> 00:36:48,150
Mom, could you talk about this tomorrow?
It's late.
587
00:36:48,151 --> 00:36:51,851
What, are we six years old?
It's past our bedtime?
588
00:36:51,852 --> 00:36:54,350
It's okay. It's only 1:30.
589
00:36:54,351 --> 00:36:58,484
I decided to put some songs together
and do a nightclub act.
590
00:36:58,485 --> 00:37:03,283
Mother, the scene has really changed
in the past 25 years.
591
00:37:03,284 --> 00:37:06,584
- Why are you so discouraging?
- I'm not. I'm realistic.
592
00:37:06,585 --> 00:37:08,851
I don't want you to get hurt.
593
00:37:08,852 --> 00:37:10,784
How? I could always sing.
594
00:37:10,785 --> 00:37:13,917
Of course you can sing.
I'm not saying that.
595
00:37:13,918 --> 00:37:17,684
But things change.
Styles, the cabaret business...
596
00:37:17,685 --> 00:37:20,751
Can't you be more supportive?
You're so competitive!
597
00:37:20,752 --> 00:37:23,617
I am not!
I hate my voice!
598
00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:26,684
[Falk:] Please.
You both have very good voices.
599
00:37:26,685 --> 00:37:29,851
I thought I'd put a few songs together
600
00:37:29,852 --> 00:37:32,884
and you could write
between-the-songs talk for me.
601
00:37:32,885 --> 00:37:37,183
- I've never done that sort of thing.
- Just some banter. Notjokes.
602
00:37:37,184 --> 00:37:40,450
I couldn't tell a joke if my life
depended on it. Just some chit-chat.
603
00:37:40,451 --> 00:37:43,550
The truth is,
I'm kind of snowed under right now...
604
00:37:43,551 --> 00:37:47,550
Oh, God!
Is nobody on my side?
605
00:37:47,551 --> 00:37:51,650
Jerry, you could do it.
This stuff comes so easily to you.
606
00:37:51,651 --> 00:37:54,484
- You just said this is a fool's errand.
- What did you call me?
607
00:37:54,485 --> 00:37:57,183
It's an expression.
608
00:37:57,184 --> 00:38:02,250
I know. I tried to dissuade her,
but she won't listen to me.
609
00:38:02,251 --> 00:38:06,050
I'm trying to finish my book.
These comics are pressing me.
610
00:38:06,051 --> 00:38:09,617
- I've taken deposits from them.
- Oh, forget I even asked.
611
00:38:09,618 --> 00:38:12,283
Okay. I never said I wouldn't do it.
612
00:38:12,284 --> 00:38:14,550
I just have to fit it in.
613
00:38:14,551 --> 00:38:17,117
It won't be arduous!
I have lots of ideas!
614
00:38:17,118 --> 00:38:19,350
I'm even having a piano delivered!
615
00:38:19,351 --> 00:38:21,851
- [Falk:] Here?
- It's a rental.
616
00:38:21,852 --> 00:38:25,384
- I had to rehearse!
- There's no room for a piano.
617
00:38:25,385 --> 00:38:27,983
Because you don't maximize your space!
618
00:38:27,984 --> 00:38:31,512
I was an interior decorator.
Tell him, Amanda.
619
00:38:33,451 --> 00:38:37,883
I know this is a real pain,
but it's temporary.
620
00:38:37,884 --> 00:38:40,083
You mean like our lovemaking?
621
00:38:40,084 --> 00:38:42,782
Could you not be gross?
622
00:38:44,684 --> 00:38:48,616
[Falk:] As the days passed,
Dobel and I got closer and closer.
623
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:52,082
After he finished school,
we'd meet in Central Park.
624
00:38:52,083 --> 00:38:54,948
He'd usually expound on something.
625
00:38:54,949 --> 00:38:57,649
[Dobel:] You think quantum physics
has the answer?
626
00:38:57,650 --> 00:39:01,849
I mean, what purpose
does it serve for me
627
00:39:01,850 --> 00:39:05,182
that time and space
are exactly the same thing?
628
00:39:05,183 --> 00:39:08,749
I ask a guy what time it is,
he tells me six miles?
629
00:39:08,750 --> 00:39:10,249
What the hell is that?
630
00:39:10,250 --> 00:39:15,582
Falk, if a guy comes out onstage
at Carnegie Hall and throws up,
631
00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:19,349
you can always find some people
who will call it art.
632
00:39:19,350 --> 00:39:22,449
Years ago, a very wonderful comedy writer
633
00:39:22,450 --> 00:39:28,315
wrote a very funny book
with a really deep and meaningful title.
634
00:39:28,316 --> 00:39:32,446
It was called
"Never Trust A Naked Bus Driver."
635
00:39:33,050 --> 00:39:35,882
You would be amazed how many people
636
00:39:35,883 --> 00:39:39,783
do exactly that, and worse.
637
00:39:39,784 --> 00:39:42,616
- [Dobel:] Do you masturbate, Falk?
- What?
638
00:39:42,617 --> 00:39:47,149
I mean, given the circumstances
of your sex life, I would think...
639
00:39:47,150 --> 00:39:50,115
This is not... stop squirming.
640
00:39:50,116 --> 00:39:54,115
I'm not. I don't know.
Now and then, I guess.
641
00:39:54,116 --> 00:39:56,749
When is now and then?
On Easter and Purim?
642
00:39:56,750 --> 00:39:58,582
I don't really enjoy it.
643
00:39:58,583 --> 00:40:00,815
Are you doing it right?
Does your hand fall asleep?
644
00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:04,815
I happen to think it's
a poor substitute for the real thing.
645
00:40:04,816 --> 00:40:07,549
Really? I prefer it to the real thing.
646
00:40:07,550 --> 00:40:09,649
Last night, I was home by myself
647
00:40:09,650 --> 00:40:16,616
and I conjured up a threesome with me,
Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren.
648
00:40:16,617 --> 00:40:19,948
It was very erotic.
649
00:40:19,949 --> 00:40:22,382
In fact, if I'm not mistaken,
it was the first time
650
00:40:22,383 --> 00:40:25,249
those two great actresses
ever appeared in anything together.
651
00:40:25,250 --> 00:40:29,749
- It sounds nice, but...
- The only reason I ask
652
00:40:29,750 --> 00:40:33,082
is because I think
that as you go through life,
653
00:40:33,083 --> 00:40:36,182
you learn to depend only on yourself.
654
00:40:36,183 --> 00:40:40,049
You know?
Do you own a firearm?
655
00:40:40,050 --> 00:40:41,749
A gun?
656
00:40:41,750 --> 00:40:44,182
A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes.
657
00:40:44,183 --> 00:40:46,782
- No. Why would I?
- For self-defense.
658
00:40:46,783 --> 00:40:49,516
Against who?
659
00:40:49,517 --> 00:40:51,915
Against those who conspire to harm you.
660
00:40:51,916 --> 00:40:53,182
Harm me?
661
00:40:53,183 --> 00:40:59,015
Don't ask what you did to deserve it.
I mean, God, read Auden.
662
00:40:59,016 --> 00:41:05,647
You know, come with me to New Jersey.
663
00:41:08,116 --> 00:41:12,948
Falk, I took the liberty a few weeks ago
of ordering you a little present.
664
00:41:12,949 --> 00:41:14,215
What?
665
00:41:14,216 --> 00:41:18,781
They're having a sale here
on surplus Russian army rifles.
666
00:41:18,782 --> 00:41:20,348
What?
667
00:41:20,349 --> 00:41:24,781
Suppose you're home one night
in bed, masturbating,
668
00:41:24,782 --> 00:41:28,248
and some guys break in.
You need protection.
669
00:41:28,249 --> 00:41:30,914
I'd dial 911.
I don't need a rifle.
670
00:41:30,915 --> 00:41:33,981
Have you ever dialed 911?
It's like trying to get a mortgage.
671
00:41:33,982 --> 00:41:36,510
Come on.
672
00:41:37,815 --> 00:41:41,914
I don't need a rifle. I'll probably
wind up blowing my foot off.
673
00:41:41,915 --> 00:41:44,615
What is wrong with you?
Are you such a maladroit
674
00:41:44,616 --> 00:41:49,615
you can't keep a firearm without
discharging it adventitiously?
675
00:41:49,616 --> 00:41:52,181
- I don't need a weapon.
- Everybody needs a weapon.
676
00:41:52,182 --> 00:41:53,448
What does that mean?
677
00:41:53,449 --> 00:41:56,215
It means the day will come
when you wish you had one.
678
00:41:56,216 --> 00:41:57,781
Why exactly?
679
00:41:57,782 --> 00:42:01,115
Why?
So they don't put you in a boxcar.
680
00:42:01,116 --> 00:42:03,448
I want to get you some of this stuff, too.
681
00:42:03,449 --> 00:42:06,814
- What for?
- So you can build a survival kit.
682
00:42:06,815 --> 00:42:10,382
I have a perfect survival kit.
I've been working on it for years.
683
00:42:10,383 --> 00:42:12,681
Last week I got some great fishhooks,
684
00:42:12,682 --> 00:42:16,448
and a waterproof matchbox that floats.
685
00:42:16,449 --> 00:42:19,482
What are you preparing for,
the end of civilization?
686
00:42:19,483 --> 00:42:23,648
I have to know if I'm alone in the wilds,
I can survive by myself.
687
00:42:23,649 --> 00:42:25,248
Dobel, you're a madman.
688
00:42:25,249 --> 00:42:27,814
That's what they said in Germany.
689
00:42:27,815 --> 00:42:31,748
There were actually groups
in Germany called "Jews for Hitler."
690
00:42:31,749 --> 00:42:35,948
They were deluded.
They thought he'd be good for the country.
691
00:42:35,949 --> 00:42:40,348
Never trust a naked bus driver.
692
00:42:40,349 --> 00:42:43,482
By the time I got out of bed
and loaded it,
693
00:42:43,483 --> 00:42:47,115
- the damage would be done.
- That's why you keep it loaded.
694
00:42:47,116 --> 00:42:49,448
I should keep a loaded gun in the house?
695
00:42:49,449 --> 00:42:52,548
Why would you keep
an unloaded weapon in the house?
696
00:42:52,549 --> 00:42:54,382
Do you keep a loaded gun in the house?
697
00:42:54,383 --> 00:42:58,382
I have a loaded weapon
in my house within reach.
698
00:42:58,383 --> 00:43:02,081
Within reach, Falk.
In every room.
699
00:43:02,082 --> 00:43:04,248
Just how crazy are you?
Is there more?
700
00:43:04,249 --> 00:43:07,614
Do you hear voices on the radio
or worship snakes?
701
00:43:07,615 --> 00:43:12,948
You are a member of one of the most
persecuted minorities in history.
702
00:43:12,949 --> 00:43:16,511
The rifle's on me.
Let me handle this.
703
00:43:17,282 --> 00:43:20,482
This makes me nervous.
I've never owned a weapon.
704
00:43:20,483 --> 00:43:24,515
You have to learn to take it apart
and put it together blindfolded.
705
00:43:24,516 --> 00:43:26,748
You may have to do it in the dark.
706
00:43:26,749 --> 00:43:29,515
You expecting Nazis and a blackout?
707
00:43:29,516 --> 00:43:33,948
Incidentally, while you were rummaging
around the store in an aimless stupor,
708
00:43:33,949 --> 00:43:36,914
I got you a couple of items.
709
00:43:36,915 --> 00:43:39,881
I got you a flashlight that floats
710
00:43:39,882 --> 00:43:42,048
if you drop it in the ocean
for any reason.
711
00:43:42,049 --> 00:43:44,748
When the hell am I near the ocean?
712
00:43:44,749 --> 00:43:49,748
I want you to build a survival kit.
I got you a compass, a...
713
00:43:49,749 --> 00:43:53,281
I live in Manhattan.
Why would I need a compass?
714
00:43:53,282 --> 00:43:56,681
This flare gun.
I got you some snakebite stuff,
715
00:43:56,682 --> 00:43:59,848
fishhooks, water-purifying tablets.
716
00:43:59,849 --> 00:44:03,081
This all sounds a little excessive to me.
717
00:44:03,082 --> 00:44:05,515
And don't pull the trigger.
718
00:44:05,516 --> 00:44:07,981
Squeeze it. Squeeze the trigger.
719
00:44:07,982 --> 00:44:10,348
That's right.
Just take aim and squeeze...
720
00:44:10,349 --> 00:44:11,748
[gun clicking]
721
00:44:11,749 --> 00:44:14,781
Sorry! Sorry, sorry!
It's empty.
722
00:44:14,782 --> 00:44:18,714
Dobel was showing me how to use a rifle.
We were practicing.
723
00:44:18,715 --> 00:44:22,048
- Why?
- Why? Well, it's for protection.
724
00:44:22,049 --> 00:44:24,981
- From who?
- What do you mean, from who?
725
00:44:24,982 --> 00:44:26,881
- Dobel, tell her.
- I'm Dobel.
726
00:44:26,882 --> 00:44:30,647
Hi.
Who do you need protection from?
727
00:44:30,648 --> 00:44:33,482
Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.
728
00:44:33,483 --> 00:44:36,215
It was my idea that,
given the tensions in the world,
729
00:44:36,216 --> 00:44:38,281
perhaps it would be prudent
730
00:44:38,282 --> 00:44:42,215
for young Falk to own
a means of self-defense.
731
00:44:42,216 --> 00:44:46,115
Have you had a mental breakdown?
You and a rifle?
732
00:44:46,116 --> 00:44:48,948
- I know it seems weird.
- What's this stuff?
733
00:44:48,949 --> 00:44:54,248
This is all very important.
These are water-purifying tablets
734
00:44:54,249 --> 00:44:56,614
and that's a flashlight that floats.
735
00:44:56,615 --> 00:44:59,581
Let's say you drop it in the ocean.
It floats.
736
00:44:59,582 --> 00:45:01,714
Are you joining the Boy Scouts?
737
00:45:01,715 --> 00:45:04,382
- It's all very necessary.
- Are these bullets?
738
00:45:04,383 --> 00:45:08,881
They're called rounds. Right?
Jump in here at any point.
739
00:45:08,882 --> 00:45:12,148
Falk, I don't mean to incite
domestic strife here.
740
00:45:12,149 --> 00:45:16,714
Amanda, it's all very safe.
See what happens...
741
00:45:16,715 --> 00:45:19,014
what I do is take a pliers
742
00:45:19,015 --> 00:45:23,415
and I remove the lead part
from the shell. You see?
743
00:45:23,416 --> 00:45:27,148
Then I have the empty...
empty shell. Okay?
744
00:45:27,149 --> 00:45:31,714
And what I do is I put this now
in the breech
745
00:45:31,715 --> 00:45:33,481
in the rifle, okay?
746
00:45:33,482 --> 00:45:36,981
So then if a shot's taken,
it won't really fire.
747
00:45:36,982 --> 00:45:39,448
Not until the second round
goes into the breech.
748
00:45:39,449 --> 00:45:41,281
The chamber!
The chamber, Falk!
749
00:45:41,282 --> 00:45:43,382
Into the chamber.
750
00:45:43,383 --> 00:45:47,281
I am not living in the house
with a loaded rifle.
751
00:45:47,282 --> 00:45:51,048
You don't trust me to keep a firearm
without hurting anyone?
752
00:45:51,049 --> 00:45:53,415
- Am I an imbecile?
- Is that a trick question?
753
00:45:53,416 --> 00:45:56,714
Dobel, would you say something?
754
00:45:56,715 --> 00:46:01,081
It's his feeling that as the economy slumps,
crime rises, okay?
755
00:46:01,082 --> 00:46:05,415
And rape... rape has risen.
Statistically speaking, rape has gone up.
756
00:46:05,416 --> 00:46:09,714
And he's not convinced that
the slaughter of six million Jews
757
00:46:09,715 --> 00:46:13,447
is enough to satisfy the anti-Semitic
impulses of the majority of the world.
758
00:46:13,448 --> 00:46:16,647
- You said this.
- He's paraphrasing.
759
00:46:16,648 --> 00:46:18,781
I put it more succinctly when I...
760
00:46:18,782 --> 00:46:20,115
[door closing]
Oh!
761
00:46:20,116 --> 00:46:24,581
Don't worry, Mother.
It's not loaded.
762
00:46:24,582 --> 00:46:27,614
- [Paula:] What's happening?
- I bought a rifle.
763
00:46:27,615 --> 00:46:31,248
A rifle?! I'm not living
in a house with a rifle!
764
00:46:31,249 --> 00:46:35,848
- Don't worry, Mom. It's leaving.
- No, it's not. It's not leaving.
765
00:46:35,849 --> 00:46:39,081
Perhaps we should rethink
the concept of self-defense.
766
00:46:39,082 --> 00:46:42,115
Mrs. Chase, is it unreasonable
to own a fire extinguisher,
767
00:46:42,116 --> 00:46:43,881
though you'll probably never use it?
768
00:46:43,882 --> 00:46:47,981
Stop calling me Mrs. Chase!
My name is Paula!
769
00:46:47,982 --> 00:46:50,748
I'm not your goddamn schoolteacher!
770
00:46:50,749 --> 00:46:55,181
Falk, urgent business in Tierra Del Fuego
requires my presence,
771
00:46:55,182 --> 00:46:56,414
so I'll be leaving.
772
00:46:56,415 --> 00:46:59,948
Sir, would you mind
helping me shift this piano?
773
00:46:59,949 --> 00:47:02,014
- Me?
- Mother, he's a guest.
774
00:47:02,015 --> 00:47:04,514
Would you take these when you go?
[Phone ringing]
775
00:47:04,515 --> 00:47:07,914
I don't care who he is.
This room isn't right.
776
00:47:07,915 --> 00:47:10,181
That's because it's too crowded.
[Phone ringing]
777
00:47:10,182 --> 00:47:13,048
Meaning what?
You want me on a park bench?
778
00:47:13,049 --> 00:47:16,514
Don't be so dramatic.
All I want out is this stupid rifle.
779
00:47:16,515 --> 00:47:18,814
Are you going to help me?
780
00:47:18,815 --> 00:47:21,481
I live to serve.
Make your wishes known.
781
00:47:21,482 --> 00:47:23,447
- Pivot. Pivot.
- Hello.
782
00:47:23,448 --> 00:47:25,547
Did I get you at a bad time?
783
00:47:25,548 --> 00:47:30,781
I just want to set the date
for the end of the week for lunch.
784
00:47:30,782 --> 00:47:32,481
How's Friday?
785
00:47:32,482 --> 00:47:35,748
Friday.
Hold on one second, Harvey.
786
00:47:35,749 --> 00:47:39,981
I have steamers in the fridge
from a week ago Sunday. You hungry?
787
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:43,914
No. I make it a practice
never to ingest bivalves
788
00:47:43,915 --> 00:47:46,248
that have been dead more than 72 hours.
789
00:47:46,249 --> 00:47:48,948
Christ, I need a drink.
This room just isn't right.
790
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,148
What are these?
791
00:47:51,149 --> 00:47:53,347
[Amanda:] Water-purifying tablets.
792
00:47:53,348 --> 00:47:55,647
What for?
Is the plumbing backed up?
793
00:47:55,648 --> 00:47:58,981
Thursday's better.
What do you want to talk about?
794
00:47:58,982 --> 00:48:03,481
The who, the what and the wherefore.
Thursday, Isabella's, at noon.
795
00:48:03,482 --> 00:48:06,048
- Right. Bye.
- [Paula:] No, you're doing it.
796
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:09,148
- Just pivot it.
- What's happening here?
797
00:48:09,149 --> 00:48:11,848
I have it under control.
Nothing that can't be done
798
00:48:11,849 --> 00:48:14,814
with 12 stevedores and some oxen.
799
00:48:14,815 --> 00:48:18,048
- Paula, where do you want this?
- Against the wall.
800
00:48:18,049 --> 00:48:21,848
- I'll help you do it.
- Sir, would you take this?
801
00:48:21,849 --> 00:48:23,981
Mom, here you go.
[Glass shatters]
802
00:48:23,982 --> 00:48:26,848
[Paula:] Jesus, what a butterfingers!
803
00:48:26,849 --> 00:48:29,081
Watch your hands
when you pick these up.
804
00:48:29,082 --> 00:48:31,982
- [Amanda:] These things happen.
- This can be glued.
805
00:48:37,148 --> 00:48:41,047
I don't understand why those people
could leave the room
806
00:48:41,048 --> 00:48:43,114
after the dinner party
and go home.
807
00:48:43,115 --> 00:48:44,747
- What'd you think?
- It was great.
808
00:48:44,748 --> 00:48:46,914
Yeah, I agree.
809
00:48:46,915 --> 00:48:49,247
Listen, I'm sorry about my mother.
810
00:48:49,248 --> 00:48:53,114
- I know she's been out of control.
- Don't worry about it.
811
00:48:53,115 --> 00:48:54,847
She is a little tough,
812
00:48:54,848 --> 00:48:58,613
but nevertheless, I will gladly
help her with her singing act.
813
00:48:58,614 --> 00:49:02,081
You are a sweetheart.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
814
00:49:02,082 --> 00:49:04,047
I've got a great idea.
815
00:49:04,048 --> 00:49:07,647
Instead of going home,
let's check into a hotel.
816
00:49:07,648 --> 00:49:09,480
Let's check into a hotel!
817
00:49:09,481 --> 00:49:11,914
Maybe away from everything
818
00:49:11,915 --> 00:49:16,280
in a completely different atmosphere,
you'll be more relaxed.
819
00:49:16,281 --> 00:49:18,680
We used to check into hotels
all the time.
820
00:49:18,681 --> 00:49:22,914
- It was exciting and fun.
- But it was different then.
821
00:49:22,915 --> 00:49:25,814
But it won't be different.
It'll be just like we used to.
822
00:49:25,815 --> 00:49:28,138
Come on, it'll be great.
823
00:49:34,115 --> 00:49:37,214
Hi. How are you?
824
00:49:37,215 --> 00:49:40,181
We're interested in a single room.
How much is that?
825
00:49:40,182 --> 00:49:44,280
- A single room is $200 a night.
- $200. Wow.
826
00:49:44,281 --> 00:49:47,513
It's amazing how even
the cheapest ones have gone up.
827
00:49:47,514 --> 00:49:50,947
Let's not get a single.
It's so sleazy.
828
00:49:50,948 --> 00:49:53,480
We're trying to be romantic.
829
00:49:53,481 --> 00:49:57,413
You're right.
Um, do you have a small suite?
830
00:49:57,414 --> 00:49:59,547
- A small suite?
- Very small.
831
00:49:59,548 --> 00:50:02,905
Let me check.
I'll be right back.
832
00:50:10,581 --> 00:50:12,580
Wow!
833
00:50:12,581 --> 00:50:16,109
- Look at this place.
- It's nice.
834
00:50:19,815 --> 00:50:22,246
Thank you.
Have a good one.
835
00:50:22,247 --> 00:50:24,914
- How much did you give him?
- Three bucks.
836
00:50:24,915 --> 00:50:26,447
Not five?
837
00:50:26,448 --> 00:50:29,647
Five?
He just turned the light on.
838
00:50:29,648 --> 00:50:33,580
We have no luggage.
Should I have given him five?
839
00:50:33,581 --> 00:50:36,880
It doesn't matter.
I'm sorry. I'm just tense.
840
00:50:36,881 --> 00:50:41,047
This is fun, isn't it?
It's kind of sexy, being back in a hotel.
841
00:50:41,048 --> 00:50:43,680
Should we order caviar?
842
00:50:43,681 --> 00:50:47,680
Caviar? You just had
all that popcorn at the movie.
843
00:50:47,681 --> 00:50:50,780
Plus the peppermints
and the ice cream sandwich.
844
00:50:50,781 --> 00:50:54,680
I know.
I'm definitely going on a diet tomorrow.
845
00:50:54,681 --> 00:50:57,180
I can't believe how much they charge
for a suite.
846
00:50:57,181 --> 00:50:59,814
It's not what I expected.
847
00:50:59,815 --> 00:51:03,180
- Is that what you're thinking about?
- No.
848
00:51:03,181 --> 00:51:09,244
No, I'm thinking of you
and how sexy you are.
849
00:51:10,548 --> 00:51:15,213
- I need another.
- Come here. What's wrong?
850
00:51:15,214 --> 00:51:19,547
- It's too bright.
- Too bright?
851
00:51:19,548 --> 00:51:23,541
Okay, well, I can fix that, I guess.
852
00:51:24,281 --> 00:51:27,413
- Is that better?
- No, it's still too bright.
853
00:51:27,414 --> 00:51:30,146
Really?
Yes! You know how hard this is for me.
854
00:51:30,147 --> 00:51:34,747
Maybe it's because of this room.
I'll shut these off.
855
00:51:34,748 --> 00:51:39,180
- There. Is that better?
- No. Turn that off.
856
00:51:39,181 --> 00:51:41,980
You used to like making love
with the lights on.
857
00:51:41,981 --> 00:51:45,613
Or in a sunny room in front of mirrors.
Remember?
858
00:51:45,614 --> 00:51:50,279
- Can we start with the lights off?
- Okay. Not a problem.
859
00:51:51,448 --> 00:51:53,914
There we go. How's that?
860
00:51:53,915 --> 00:51:56,346
Thank you.
861
00:51:56,347 --> 00:52:00,307
Come here.
You know how sexy you are?
862
00:52:01,915 --> 00:52:05,547
Here... let's take off your sweatshirt.
863
00:52:05,548 --> 00:52:07,947
I'll take my pants off here.
864
00:52:07,948 --> 00:52:09,714
[Coins falling]
865
00:52:09,715 --> 00:52:11,613
[Amanda:] Christ!
[Falk:] I'm sorry.
866
00:52:11,614 --> 00:52:16,847
I had all this change from the movie house
when I bought your popcorn.
867
00:52:16,848 --> 00:52:20,280
I can't do this.
The moment's ruined.
868
00:52:20,281 --> 00:52:23,113
That's crazy.
It shouldn't be that delicate.
869
00:52:23,114 --> 00:52:26,180
It's not about should!
Look, I'm a wreck!
870
00:52:26,181 --> 00:52:27,914
Okay, I'm sorry.
871
00:52:27,915 --> 00:52:31,046
I'm sorry, but I can't.
I can't do this.
872
00:52:31,047 --> 00:52:35,780
We'll start again, okay?
It'll be fine. A clean slate, okay?
873
00:52:35,781 --> 00:52:38,747
We got this room.
Let's take advantage.
874
00:52:38,748 --> 00:52:41,413
We'll just start over, okay?
Come here.
875
00:52:41,414 --> 00:52:43,509
[Kissing]
876
00:52:45,848 --> 00:52:51,046
See? It's nothing we haven't
done before, right?
877
00:52:53,881 --> 00:52:56,647
Jerry?
Jerry, I can't breathe.
878
00:52:56,648 --> 00:52:58,914
What do you mean?
879
00:52:59,815 --> 00:53:02,346
- I can't...
- What do you mean?
880
00:53:02,347 --> 00:53:05,080
I can't breathe.
My throat's swelling.
881
00:53:05,081 --> 00:53:08,680
- Your throat's not swelling.
- It is. This has happened before.
882
00:53:08,681 --> 00:53:12,814
Why don't you sit down?
Amanda, sit down for a second.
883
00:53:12,815 --> 00:53:16,580
You want me to get you some water?
884
00:53:16,581 --> 00:53:19,413
- No. I feel nauseous.
- You're not nauseous.
885
00:53:19,414 --> 00:53:22,613
- I am.
- Just, just take it easy.
886
00:53:22,614 --> 00:53:25,880
Amanda, do you want me
to open the window?
887
00:53:25,881 --> 00:53:30,814
Maybe you need some fresh air.
You're getting pale.
888
00:53:30,815 --> 00:53:32,447
Are you serious?
889
00:53:32,448 --> 00:53:36,180
[Wheezing]
I need a doctor.
890
00:53:36,181 --> 00:53:40,346
You don't need a doctor.
Just lay down for a second.
891
00:53:40,347 --> 00:53:43,780
I'm really dizzy.
892
00:53:43,781 --> 00:53:46,080
All right.
Just, um, hold on.
893
00:53:46,081 --> 00:53:49,113
Just, um, breathe
through your nose, okay?
894
00:53:49,114 --> 00:53:52,380
Come on.
Come on. Here.
895
00:53:53,214 --> 00:53:54,947
[Amanda:] Leave a tip for the maid.
896
00:53:54,948 --> 00:53:59,613
[Dr. Reed:] So, if I push
on your chest here, do you feel any pain?
897
00:53:59,614 --> 00:54:03,714
[Amanda:] Well, it's right under
the breast I get a shooting pain.
898
00:54:03,715 --> 00:54:06,446
- Your left breast?
- Yes.
899
00:54:11,214 --> 00:54:13,580
Have you ever had a reaction
like this before?
900
00:54:13,581 --> 00:54:14,780
Yes.
901
00:54:14,781 --> 00:54:17,513
Do you have any allergies?
902
00:54:17,514 --> 00:54:18,613
I hope not.
903
00:54:18,614 --> 00:54:21,903
I'm just checking
your glands right now.
904
00:54:23,947 --> 00:54:28,346
- You take all these pills?
- Yes. They're different diets.
905
00:54:28,347 --> 00:54:31,346
Then I have my antidepressants
and my sleeping pills.
906
00:54:31,347 --> 00:54:33,080
But they have opposite effects.
907
00:54:33,081 --> 00:54:35,613
I don't take them all
on the same day.
908
00:54:35,614 --> 00:54:39,113
You had a few vodkas, you say?
Breathe in.
909
00:54:39,114 --> 00:54:42,946
Hold. Let it go.
910
00:54:42,947 --> 00:54:45,146
Why do you use diet pills?
911
00:54:45,147 --> 00:54:47,380
I have some trouble
with my weight.
912
00:54:47,381 --> 00:54:50,547
You're not overweight.
You have a lovely figure.
913
00:54:50,548 --> 00:54:52,847
Lean back.
This doesn't hurt, does it?
914
00:54:52,848 --> 00:54:54,046
No.
915
00:54:54,047 --> 00:54:57,180
- You're a very beautiful young woman.
- Thank you.
916
00:54:57,181 --> 00:55:00,046
Yeah, breathe. Good.
917
00:55:00,047 --> 00:55:03,945
The doctor had better sex examining her
than I've had in 6 months!
918
00:55:03,946 --> 00:55:08,246
She has this wayward appeal.
Men go instantly crazy for her!
919
00:55:08,247 --> 00:55:11,713
What do I do?
I'm trapped in a situation here.
920
00:55:11,714 --> 00:55:15,571
What do I do?
Say something.
921
00:55:16,647 --> 00:55:18,679
Our time is up.
922
00:55:18,680 --> 00:55:21,146
Suppose we continue
at our next meeting.
923
00:55:21,147 --> 00:55:24,079
Mr. Falk, I would like to say that
924
00:55:24,080 --> 00:55:28,046
I will stop treating you if you
insist on keeping that rifle.
925
00:55:28,047 --> 00:55:31,513
- What? Why?
- I think it's an acting out.
926
00:55:31,514 --> 00:55:34,513
And it's more to your advantage
to talk about it than act out.
927
00:55:34,514 --> 00:55:37,679
But Dobel thinks in the end,
we can only count on ourselves.
928
00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,112
I'm afraid our time is up.
929
00:55:40,113 --> 00:55:43,937
If you don't get rid of the rifle,
I can't continue the analysis.
930
00:55:49,013 --> 00:55:51,446
- Jerry!
- Hey, Bill. How are you?
931
00:55:51,447 --> 00:55:55,845
I'm good.
So, what are you doing here?
932
00:55:55,846 --> 00:55:58,479
I'm having lunch
with my manager, inside.
933
00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:00,945
That Harry Wexler clown?
I saw him go in.
934
00:56:00,946 --> 00:56:03,679
Harvey. Yeah, yeah.
935
00:56:03,680 --> 00:56:05,780
Nobody understands
why you don't lose him.
936
00:56:05,781 --> 00:56:08,646
- Lose Harvey?
- The guy is a joke in the business.
937
00:56:08,647 --> 00:56:10,813
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
938
00:56:10,814 --> 00:56:14,679
I'm telling you this as a friend.
You're starting to happen a little bit.
939
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,312
You don't need a character
like this representing you.
940
00:56:17,313 --> 00:56:20,713
Thanks. I'll certainly think about it.
941
00:56:20,714 --> 00:56:23,513
- How's your girlfriend?
- Amanda? She's good.
942
00:56:23,514 --> 00:56:26,046
She's studying
acting and singing.
943
00:56:26,047 --> 00:56:28,112
Promise me one thing.
944
00:56:28,113 --> 00:56:31,112
You guys ever break up,
you give me her number.
945
00:56:31,113 --> 00:56:33,812
Just kidding.
Except I'm deadly serious.
946
00:56:33,813 --> 00:56:35,579
We're not breaking up.
947
00:56:35,580 --> 00:56:39,312
- Good to see you.
- Story of my life. Bye, Jerry!
948
00:56:45,414 --> 00:56:47,413
Sorry I'm late.
949
00:56:47,414 --> 00:56:51,513
I thought I'd be late.
My mom had a gallbladder attack.
950
00:56:51,514 --> 00:56:53,679
So, you want to discuss?
951
00:56:53,680 --> 00:56:57,713
No big deal.
I'll get it out of the way
952
00:56:57,714 --> 00:57:00,179
then we can eat
and enjoy the meal.
953
00:57:00,180 --> 00:57:02,279
A coffee, please.
954
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:04,212
I'm fine.
955
00:57:04,213 --> 00:57:06,274
Now...
956
00:57:07,147 --> 00:57:10,513
our original contract
was for three years.
957
00:57:10,514 --> 00:57:13,046
It's almost up.
It's up in a few months.
958
00:57:13,047 --> 00:57:16,812
My game plan for you
is going perfectly.
959
00:57:16,813 --> 00:57:22,179
A lot of people laughed at me
when I said I only wanted one client.
960
00:57:22,180 --> 00:57:25,112
And a kid, too!
961
00:57:25,113 --> 00:57:27,279
It's like a clothing store
962
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:33,046
that specializes in
quality rather than quantity.
963
00:57:33,047 --> 00:57:36,745
All the other managers in town,
even my own family
964
00:57:36,746 --> 00:57:42,079
predicted that you would dump me
if you made it big on my efforts.
965
00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:45,845
I said, "You do not know Jerry Falk."
966
00:57:45,846 --> 00:57:49,212
"Jerry Falk and I have
a special relationship.
967
00:57:49,213 --> 00:57:51,513
"It goes way beyond the contract.
968
00:57:51,514 --> 00:57:53,912
"We are very close.
969
00:57:53,913 --> 00:57:56,579
"I was at his wedding.
I bought him a toaster.
970
00:57:56,580 --> 00:57:59,513
"We are this close.
I've done things for him
971
00:57:59,514 --> 00:58:02,346
"you couldn't even write
into a contract."
972
00:58:02,347 --> 00:58:04,670
[Coughing]
973
00:58:05,514 --> 00:58:07,479
[Tapping table]
974
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:09,646
What's this?
975
00:58:09,647 --> 00:58:13,745
Our new agreement.
976
00:58:13,746 --> 00:58:16,712
You don't have to read it now.
Take it home and read it.
977
00:58:16,713 --> 00:58:19,546
It's not that complicated.
It's the same thing,
978
00:58:19,547 --> 00:58:22,246
except it's for seven years
instead of three.
979
00:58:22,247 --> 00:58:26,679
I figured, why burden you with
signing a contract every three years?
980
00:58:26,680 --> 00:58:30,537
Especially since we're gonna
be together for a long, long time!
981
00:58:32,712 --> 00:58:35,844
You can't sign that, Falk.
What are you, a cretin?
982
00:58:35,845 --> 00:58:39,877
I can't not sign it.
The guy's whole life is invested in me.
983
00:58:39,878 --> 00:58:42,777
The guy's an idiot!
He's in the wrong business.
984
00:58:42,778 --> 00:58:46,144
He should be pushing a rack
on Seventh Avenue.
985
00:58:46,145 --> 00:58:49,044
He put in the tough work
when no one else cared.
986
00:58:49,045 --> 00:58:51,211
He's not a bad guy, he's just...
987
00:58:51,212 --> 00:58:54,545
I can't figure you out.
You've been with a shrink for years,
988
00:58:54,546 --> 00:58:57,078
yet you're too guilty to say good-bye
989
00:58:57,079 --> 00:59:00,311
to the inept homunculus
that poses as your manager.
990
00:59:00,312 --> 00:59:03,211
Incidentally, my shrink says
I have to get rid of the rifle.
991
00:59:03,212 --> 00:59:07,344
- What?
- He says it's an acting out.
992
00:59:07,345 --> 00:59:11,911
What kind of charlatan would want you
unarmed in this world?
993
00:59:11,912 --> 00:59:17,178
- He's not a charlatan.
- They're all charlatans, Falk!
994
00:59:17,179 --> 00:59:19,744
You know, since the beginning of time,
995
00:59:19,745 --> 00:59:24,644
people have been frightened and unhappy
996
00:59:24,645 --> 00:59:27,944
and scared to death
and scared of getting old
997
00:59:27,945 --> 00:59:32,211
and there have always been
priests and shamans and now shrinks
998
00:59:32,212 --> 00:59:36,411
to tell them "I know you're frightened,
but I can help you."
999
00:59:36,412 --> 00:59:39,211
"Of course, it'll cost you a few bucks."
1000
00:59:39,212 --> 00:59:44,011
But they can't help you,
because life is what it is.
1001
00:59:44,012 --> 00:59:48,511
Hey, what did you think of Amanda?
I know you only met her for, like,
1002
00:59:48,512 --> 00:59:51,644
15 minutes under pretty
chaotic circumstances
1003
00:59:51,645 --> 00:59:54,677
but she has a great quality, doesn't she?
1004
00:59:54,678 --> 00:59:56,844
She's cheating on you, you know.
1005
00:59:56,845 --> 01:00:00,711
- What are you talking about?
- She's cheating on you!
1006
01:00:00,712 --> 01:00:03,744
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I know.
1007
01:00:03,745 --> 01:00:06,844
How do you know?
You see her with someone?
1008
01:00:06,845 --> 01:00:09,311
- No.
- Did she say something to you?
1009
01:00:09,312 --> 01:00:10,044
No.
1010
01:00:10,045 --> 01:00:14,344
Then why would you say
she's cheating on me?
1011
01:00:14,345 --> 01:00:16,211
I can tell by her eyes.
1012
01:00:16,212 --> 01:00:20,344
- Her eyes? Her eyes.
- Yes, her eyes.
1013
01:00:20,345 --> 01:00:25,278
Dobel, you have a certain brilliance.
You do.
1014
01:00:25,279 --> 01:00:28,478
You're a sweet guy
and a wonderful writer of humor,
1015
01:00:28,479 --> 01:00:32,644
but you are a deeply,
deeply deranged human being.
1016
01:00:32,645 --> 01:00:35,677
Falk, I'm telling you,
she's cheating on you,
1017
01:00:35,678 --> 01:00:38,577
and you're too typhlotic to see it.
1018
01:00:38,578 --> 01:00:42,003
Typhlosis, Falk.
Blindness.
1019
01:00:43,345 --> 01:00:47,168
[Music plays]
1020
01:01:01,744 --> 01:01:04,976
Is she cheating on me?
1021
01:01:04,977 --> 01:01:07,210
Dobel has poisoned the well.
1022
01:01:07,211 --> 01:01:10,843
How the hell would he know?
Is he some kind of visionary?
1023
01:01:10,844 --> 01:01:14,510
Not at all. He's a simple,
garden-variety paranoid.
1024
01:01:14,511 --> 01:01:18,277
[Falk:] "Jews start all wars."
A gun in every room of his apartment!
1025
01:01:18,278 --> 01:01:21,510
Amanda's cheating on me
because he sees it in her eyes?
1026
01:01:21,511 --> 01:01:23,910
Bull! And yet...
1027
01:01:23,911 --> 01:01:27,177
Jerry? This is Connie.
Connie, Jerry.
1028
01:01:27,178 --> 01:01:28,776
[Falk:] Nice to meet you.
1029
01:01:28,777 --> 01:01:32,310
- Connie is a brilliant actress.
- Amanda's the actress!
1030
01:01:32,311 --> 01:01:35,543
Ray! Come with me.
I have to talk to you.
1031
01:01:35,544 --> 01:01:40,209
Amanda tells me you're a writer.
What are you working on?
1032
01:01:40,877 --> 01:01:43,277
A novel.
1033
01:01:43,278 --> 01:01:44,710
About what?
1034
01:01:44,711 --> 01:01:48,243
The absolute terror
of confronting one's death.
1035
01:01:48,244 --> 01:01:51,010
I just finished
"Notes From Underground."
1036
01:01:51,011 --> 01:01:56,077
Isn't Dostoyevsky the most amazing,
poignant, talented writer?
1037
01:01:56,078 --> 01:02:00,444
[Falk:] Who cares about Dostoyevsky
if Amanda's sleeping with that guy?
1038
01:02:00,445 --> 01:02:02,643
She always talks about Ray Polito.
1039
01:02:02,644 --> 01:02:06,177
Such a hotshot new actor.
Animal instincts.
1040
01:02:06,178 --> 01:02:10,910
This generation's Brando.
They certainly make eye contact.
1041
01:02:10,911 --> 01:02:15,243
She's so sexy.
Look at her body language.
1042
01:02:15,244 --> 01:02:16,710
All verbs!
1043
01:02:16,711 --> 01:02:19,476
- Have I?
- Read "House of the Dead."
1044
01:02:19,477 --> 01:02:22,676
Oh, yes.
Yes, I have.
1045
01:02:22,677 --> 01:02:25,637
I found it surprisingly neoteric.
1046
01:02:26,677 --> 01:02:29,976
- Modern. Very modern.
- Yes, modern.
1047
01:02:29,977 --> 01:02:34,175
- Would you excuse me just a second?
- Yeah, sure.
1048
01:02:39,977 --> 01:02:43,476
Jerry, hi.
You remember Ray Polito?
1049
01:02:43,477 --> 01:02:46,676
- Nice to see you.
- How are you?
1050
01:02:46,677 --> 01:02:48,077
Good. You?
1051
01:02:48,078 --> 01:02:53,576
I was telling Ray about how you have
a real interest in old theater posters.
1052
01:02:53,577 --> 01:02:56,110
He says he has a great source.
1053
01:02:56,111 --> 01:02:59,377
My buddy, Jay Binns,
has some really rare ones.
1054
01:02:59,378 --> 01:03:01,476
He'd be happy to show them
to you anytime.
1055
01:03:01,477 --> 01:03:04,077
Thanks. Yeah, maybe sometime, sure.
1056
01:03:04,078 --> 01:03:06,710
- We could rent a car and drive out tonight.
- Tonight?
1057
01:03:06,711 --> 01:03:10,310
Connie? You should come, too.
You should bring Doug.
1058
01:03:10,311 --> 01:03:11,643
- Who's Doug?
- Go where?
1059
01:03:11,644 --> 01:03:15,310
My buddy lives in Montauk.
We're going there tonight.
1060
01:03:15,311 --> 01:03:19,443
- At this hour, there's no traffic.
- Montauk? It's midnight.
1061
01:03:19,444 --> 01:03:22,743
Montauk at midnight?
What could be more romantic?
1062
01:03:22,744 --> 01:03:24,710
- I can't.
- Me either.
1063
01:03:24,711 --> 01:03:27,443
- It's just too late.
- I have to get up early.
1064
01:03:27,444 --> 01:03:30,210
You know I work best
in the morning.
1065
01:03:30,211 --> 01:03:33,177
But we'll walk on the beach,
maybe take a swim.
1066
01:03:33,178 --> 01:03:35,177
Ray'll play his guitar.
1067
01:03:35,178 --> 01:03:37,143
- You play guitar?
- Yeah.
1068
01:03:37,144 --> 01:03:39,043
I'd rather eat rat poison
1069
01:03:39,044 --> 01:03:43,106
than watch this guy
play guitar on the beach at 3 AM.
1070
01:03:45,577 --> 01:03:47,976
- [Falk:] You're so quiet.
- [Amanda:] So are you.
1071
01:03:47,977 --> 01:03:50,243
- [Falk:] What's wrong?
- [Amanda:] Nothing.
1072
01:03:50,244 --> 01:03:53,743
[Falk:] Don't say, "nothing."
Obviously, you're upset.
1073
01:03:53,744 --> 01:03:57,409
Are you crushed because we didn't drive
100 miles to look at theater posters
1074
01:03:57,410 --> 01:03:59,676
and hear this guy play his guitar?
1075
01:03:59,677 --> 01:04:01,810
Shhh!
My mother's sleeping.
1076
01:04:01,811 --> 01:04:04,243
That road company James Dean
looked at you
1077
01:04:04,244 --> 01:04:07,409
like you were
a freshly baked cannoli.
1078
01:04:07,410 --> 01:04:09,676
Are you in love with Connie?
1079
01:04:09,677 --> 01:04:11,043
Connie?
1080
01:04:11,044 --> 01:04:13,343
Don't pretend you can't
remember her name.
1081
01:04:13,344 --> 01:04:18,376
I wouldn't have even looked at Connie
if you hadn't thrown us together.
1082
01:04:18,377 --> 01:04:20,409
I thought you'd like her.
1083
01:04:20,410 --> 01:04:24,010
She's smart and beautiful
and very literate.
1084
01:04:24,011 --> 01:04:28,676
A literate actress?
What, is that like a four-leaf clover?
1085
01:04:28,677 --> 01:04:30,876
Most men find her seductive.
1086
01:04:30,877 --> 01:04:34,843
If you wanted to go off with Ray Polito,
you should have gone.
1087
01:04:34,844 --> 01:04:37,143
You didn't need to
fix me up with someone.
1088
01:04:37,144 --> 01:04:41,576
Please! I thought you'd want to see
his friend's theater posters.
1089
01:04:41,577 --> 01:04:45,277
I have no interest in Connie.
None. Nada.
1090
01:04:45,278 --> 01:04:49,443
You can sleep with other women.
Just don't throw it in my face.
1091
01:04:49,444 --> 01:04:52,676
I'm not sleeping with her!
Do you want to sleep with Ray?
1092
01:04:52,677 --> 01:04:56,177
[Paula:] Jesus Christ!
Will you two keep it down?
1093
01:04:56,178 --> 01:04:58,509
I can't sleep.
You got any pills?
1094
01:04:58,510 --> 01:05:02,409
I'm sorry, Mother.
I can't have these late-night discussions.
1095
01:05:02,410 --> 01:05:06,309
- I need a sleeping pill.
- Jerry? Come here.
1096
01:05:06,310 --> 01:05:08,609
- I want to show you something.
- Now? It's 2 AM.
1097
01:05:08,610 --> 01:05:12,309
Come here! Jerry.
1098
01:05:12,310 --> 01:05:17,343
This goddamn ballad is driving me crazy.
Just tell me what you think.
1099
01:05:17,344 --> 01:05:21,804
[Playing piano]
1100
01:05:23,677 --> 01:05:27,910
- Don't cry
1101
01:05:27,911 --> 01:05:33,843
- There'll be another spring
1102
01:05:33,844 --> 01:05:37,077
- I know our hearts
1103
01:05:37,078 --> 01:05:39,743
- Will dance again
1104
01:05:39,744 --> 01:05:43,210
- And sing again
1105
01:05:43,211 --> 01:05:46,210
- So wait for me
1106
01:05:46,211 --> 01:05:49,676
- Till then
1107
01:05:49,677 --> 01:05:53,143
- Be glad
1108
01:05:53,144 --> 01:05:59,010
- The bird is on the wing
1109
01:05:59,011 --> 01:06:04,010
- Another chance to love
1110
01:06:04,011 --> 01:06:07,810
- And laugh with me
1111
01:06:07,811 --> 01:06:12,210
- Just wait and see
1112
01:06:12,211 --> 01:06:18,376
- I love you now
1113
01:06:18,377 --> 01:06:22,843
- And I'll love you forever
1114
01:06:22,844 --> 01:06:25,443
- Oh, don't
1115
01:06:25,444 --> 01:06:29,010
- Be sad
1116
01:06:29,011 --> 01:06:31,643
- We'll surely be
1117
01:06:31,644 --> 01:06:34,177
- Together
1118
01:06:34,178 --> 01:06:37,576
- For the sky
1119
01:06:37,577 --> 01:06:42,710
- Is bluer overhead
1120
01:06:42,711 --> 01:06:46,309
- If you will just
1121
01:06:46,310 --> 01:06:50,409
- Believe in me
1122
01:06:50,410 --> 01:06:52,810
- There'll be
1123
01:06:52,811 --> 01:06:55,743
- Another
1124
01:06:55,744 --> 01:06:57,839
- Spring
1125
01:06:59,577 --> 01:07:04,509
If life is meaningless,
then why choose to live?
1126
01:07:04,510 --> 01:07:08,476
Dobel says we don't choose,
our blood chooses for us.
1127
01:07:08,477 --> 01:07:11,309
What does it all add up to if I die?
1128
01:07:11,310 --> 01:07:14,276
Freud says sex and work.
1129
01:07:14,277 --> 01:07:17,910
Dobel says work
gives the illusion of meaning,
1130
01:07:17,911 --> 01:07:21,309
and sex gives
the illusion of continuity.
1131
01:07:21,310 --> 01:07:23,676
[Paula singing]
1132
01:07:23,677 --> 01:07:26,034
She's going to practice now?
1133
01:07:27,144 --> 01:07:32,142
Hey, Paula? I'm trying to clarify
some ideas for my novel.
1134
01:07:32,143 --> 01:07:33,209
I just need...
1135
01:07:33,210 --> 01:07:36,343
I have some ideas for dialogue
leading to the Judy Garland medley.
1136
01:07:36,344 --> 01:07:38,810
Could we talk about it later?
1137
01:07:38,811 --> 01:07:43,576
I am so nervous. I don't know why
I'm so scared of performing.
1138
01:07:43,577 --> 01:07:46,776
- Where does Amanda keep her Valium?
- There. I'll get you one.
1139
01:07:46,777 --> 01:07:51,634
I just need a little bit of quiet,
just for the morning. Okay, Paula?
1140
01:08:07,243 --> 01:08:11,710
[Falk:] I went to the bathroom
to get her mother a Valium.
1141
01:08:11,711 --> 01:08:14,776
Because Dobel made me
so damn suspicious,
1142
01:08:14,777 --> 01:08:19,077
I couldn't resist the impulse
to open her diaphragm case
1143
01:08:19,078 --> 01:08:21,775
to see if it was there,
and it wasn't.
1144
01:08:23,243 --> 01:08:26,203
Why does she need her diaphragm?
What for?
1145
01:08:28,177 --> 01:08:30,010
And what's wrong with me?
1146
01:08:30,011 --> 01:08:34,309
Why should the thought
of Amanda sleeping with someone
1147
01:08:34,310 --> 01:08:36,876
be both excruciating and exciting?
1148
01:08:36,877 --> 01:08:39,476
I feel like committing suicide,
1149
01:08:39,477 --> 01:08:42,576
but I have so many problems,
that wouldn't solve them all.
1150
01:08:42,577 --> 01:08:45,609
What should I do?
What would you do?
1151
01:08:45,610 --> 01:08:48,543
Huh?
What do I do?
1152
01:08:48,544 --> 01:08:51,609
If it was me, Falk,
I would follow her.
1153
01:08:51,610 --> 01:08:54,043
Why do you put these paranoid thoughts
in my head?
1154
01:08:54,044 --> 01:08:57,576
Why does she wear a diaphragm?
Why isn't she on the pill?
1155
01:08:57,577 --> 01:09:01,409
It's hormonal.
The pill makes her crazy.
1156
01:09:01,410 --> 01:09:04,543
The pill makes her crazy?
Falk, she is crazy!
1157
01:09:04,544 --> 01:09:07,876
The Pentagon should use her hormones
for chemical warfare!
1158
01:09:07,877 --> 01:09:11,643
I don't get it. Where is it?
Where is her diaphragm?
1159
01:09:11,644 --> 01:09:13,776
Well, you know, I can imagine.
1160
01:09:13,777 --> 01:09:16,242
I've never followed anyone.
1161
01:09:16,243 --> 01:09:18,676
It's not rocket science, Falk.
1162
01:09:18,677 --> 01:09:22,576
The trick is not to be seen.
Where is she now?
1163
01:09:22,577 --> 01:09:24,409
- Acting class.
- You think.
1164
01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:28,609
Christ, don't say that.
Of course she's at acting class.
1165
01:09:28,610 --> 01:09:31,776
She wouldn't miss that.
It's too crucial.
1166
01:09:31,777 --> 01:09:36,175
And that's where she sees
her acting partner, Ray Polito.
1167
01:09:36,176 --> 01:09:40,609
Look, I'm not good at following.
Why don't you come with me?
1168
01:09:40,610 --> 01:09:43,576
I can't.
I promised students I'd take them
1169
01:09:43,577 --> 01:09:47,309
to the Caravaggio exhibit
at the Metropolitan Museum.
1170
01:09:47,310 --> 01:09:49,342
I give them a little culture now and then
1171
01:09:49,343 --> 01:09:52,676
so they don't beat each other to death
with bicycle chains.
1172
01:09:52,677 --> 01:09:55,709
I'm too nervous to follow her.
1173
01:09:55,710 --> 01:09:58,075
There's nothing to it, you know.
1174
01:09:58,076 --> 01:10:02,876
You're worried about what you're
going to find, that's all.
1175
01:10:02,877 --> 01:10:05,175
You are a writer.
You have a gift.
1176
01:10:05,176 --> 01:10:11,075
You should have a girlfriend
who helps you and is encouraging,
1177
01:10:11,076 --> 01:10:15,776
not some mercurial little jitterbug
who'll have you hold up filling stations
1178
01:10:15,777 --> 01:10:19,709
- to keep her in mood elevators.
- I shouldn't have looked.
1179
01:10:19,710 --> 01:10:22,276
What you don't know will kill you!
1180
01:10:22,277 --> 01:10:25,342
What you don't know won't hurt you,
it'll kill you.
1181
01:10:25,343 --> 01:10:28,509
Like if they tell you
you're going to showers
1182
01:10:28,510 --> 01:10:31,605
but they turn out not to be showers.
1183
01:11:06,410 --> 01:11:09,801
Ray Polito.
I knew it.
1184
01:11:53,477 --> 01:11:57,209
[Amanda:] Where were you?
We have theater tickets tonight.
1185
01:11:57,210 --> 01:12:00,676
Paula, could you excuse us?
I have to talk to Amanda.
1186
01:12:00,677 --> 01:12:03,776
My God, Jerry.
Has the president been shot?
1187
01:12:03,777 --> 01:12:05,942
Fine with me.
I have a date tonight.
1188
01:12:05,943 --> 01:12:09,442
[Amanda:] What? You have a date?
With who?
1189
01:12:09,443 --> 01:12:12,709
I must confess.
It's with a guy who picked me up.
1190
01:12:12,710 --> 01:12:15,142
- Where?
- At my AA meeting.
1191
01:12:15,143 --> 01:12:18,276
- Great. An alcoholic.
- He's not an alcoholic.
1192
01:12:18,277 --> 01:12:20,409
He's the alcoholic's friend, the enabler.
1193
01:12:20,410 --> 01:12:22,809
Even better.
What does he do?
1194
01:12:22,810 --> 01:12:26,442
- He's a horse whisperer.
- What are you talking about?
1195
01:12:26,443 --> 01:12:28,676
- What are you looking for, your keys?
- Yes.
1196
01:12:28,677 --> 01:12:31,543
- They're over here.
- He's 26 years old.
1197
01:12:31,544 --> 01:12:35,875
Fabulous. You're going out
with a 26-year-old horse whisperer.
1198
01:12:35,876 --> 01:12:38,209
- [Falk:] Amanda, could I talk to you?
- Hold on!
1199
01:12:38,210 --> 01:12:42,543
- Would you really care if I got a tattoo?
- Yes.
1200
01:12:42,544 --> 01:12:44,342
- We'll discuss it later.
- No, Mom.
1201
01:12:44,343 --> 01:12:47,209
- We'll discuss it.
- Mom, don't.
1202
01:12:47,210 --> 01:12:49,743
Mom, your keys.
Your keys.
1203
01:12:49,744 --> 01:12:53,309
- Thanks.
- Jesus, you're so crazy!
1204
01:12:53,310 --> 01:12:55,509
- Where were you today?
- Acting class.
1205
01:12:55,510 --> 01:12:57,376
No, I mean after.
1206
01:12:57,377 --> 01:13:00,709
At a girlfriend's apartment,
rehearsing a scene.
1207
01:13:00,710 --> 01:13:03,075
No. No, you weren't
1208
01:13:03,076 --> 01:13:07,476
because I know you were in
the school building with your teacher.
1209
01:13:07,477 --> 01:13:09,776
That's right. I saw you.
1210
01:13:09,777 --> 01:13:12,776
- How?
- I was spying on you.
1211
01:13:12,777 --> 01:13:16,242
- Spying?
- That's right. I saw the three of you.
1212
01:13:16,243 --> 01:13:20,075
You, your acting teacher
and your diaphragm.
1213
01:13:20,076 --> 01:13:23,875
Your diaphragm. It's not here,
so where could it be?
1214
01:13:23,876 --> 01:13:27,509
There's no such thing
as a diaphragm repair shop.
1215
01:13:27,510 --> 01:13:30,476
I was there, Amanda.
I saw it all.
1216
01:13:30,477 --> 01:13:33,676
Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller.
1217
01:13:33,677 --> 01:13:36,643
But I didn't do it
because I care about him.
1218
01:13:36,644 --> 01:13:40,109
No? What then?
To punish him?
1219
01:13:40,110 --> 01:13:44,442
I had to find out
if something was wrong with me.
1220
01:13:44,443 --> 01:13:48,576
I can't sleep with you,
the person that I love.
1221
01:13:48,577 --> 01:13:53,342
I had to know if I was
some kind of freak, or frigid.
1222
01:13:53,343 --> 01:13:58,242
I had to know if I could even get
aroused anymore and have an orgasm!
1223
01:13:58,243 --> 01:14:00,509
And can you?
1224
01:14:00,510 --> 01:14:02,942
Yeah. It's good news.
I can!
1225
01:14:02,943 --> 01:14:06,175
Okay. I want out of this relationship.
1226
01:14:06,176 --> 01:14:10,242
Jerry, don't say that.
You know I need you.
1227
01:14:10,243 --> 01:14:12,309
Need me? How can you need me
1228
01:14:12,310 --> 01:14:16,909
when all these positive feelings
happen with everyone but me?
1229
01:14:16,910 --> 01:14:20,476
Not everybody.
Just Ron Keller.
1230
01:14:20,477 --> 01:14:23,309
He reminds me of my father.
1231
01:14:23,310 --> 01:14:25,442
I remind you of your father.
1232
01:14:25,443 --> 01:14:29,075
You remind me of the good parts.
He reminds me of the bad.
1233
01:14:29,076 --> 01:14:31,775
I figured I should try everything.
1234
01:14:31,776 --> 01:14:34,676
You know, to figure out
what the problem is.
1235
01:14:34,677 --> 01:14:38,442
How did I get to be the good father?
What am I, Kris Kringle?
1236
01:14:38,443 --> 01:14:43,442
It is a maddening problem.
We had to try every kind of foreplay.
1237
01:14:43,443 --> 01:14:46,875
Where's the rifle?
I'm going to blow my brains out.
1238
01:14:46,876 --> 01:14:51,109
Don't be so middle-class!
I did it as much for you as for me.
1239
01:14:51,110 --> 01:14:56,543
Oh, thank you. For me?
Thank you so much for thinking of me.
1240
01:14:56,544 --> 01:14:58,643
Well, it worked.
1241
01:14:58,644 --> 01:15:02,576
Now I know that I can get excited.
Very excited.
1242
01:15:02,577 --> 01:15:05,775
Passionate!
I can have orgasms.
1243
01:15:05,776 --> 01:15:08,775
Like the ones I had
when we first started dating.
1244
01:15:08,776 --> 01:15:12,409
You know? Multiple ones,
where I claw the walls.
1245
01:15:12,410 --> 01:15:15,042
I'm so happy to hear this, Amanda!
Really.
1246
01:15:15,043 --> 01:15:17,808
This is just music to my ears.
1247
01:15:17,809 --> 01:15:22,042
I don't need the rifle.
I'll just hemorrhage here on the carpet.
1248
01:15:22,043 --> 01:15:25,476
Jerry, don't be mad.
1249
01:15:25,477 --> 01:15:28,708
And don't be mad at Ron.
He was just trying to help.
1250
01:15:28,709 --> 01:15:32,442
Ron? How could I be upset at Ron?
1251
01:15:32,443 --> 01:15:35,742
In fact, I'll put him
on my Christmas list,
1252
01:15:35,743 --> 01:15:38,576
if I can figure out
how to make a letter bomb.
1253
01:15:38,577 --> 01:15:42,175
Jerry...
Jerry, please.
1254
01:15:42,176 --> 01:15:46,742
[Sniffles] Please.
You know I love you so much.
1255
01:15:46,743 --> 01:15:49,775
I need you.
I can't live without you.
1256
01:15:49,776 --> 01:15:52,576
Jerry, please?
1257
01:15:52,577 --> 01:15:56,775
That's bullshit, Falk.
I don't buy any of it.
1258
01:15:56,776 --> 01:15:59,075
She says she did it therapeutically.
1259
01:15:59,076 --> 01:16:03,075
That's the kind of therapy they advertise
on the back of the Village Voice.
1260
01:16:03,076 --> 01:16:06,708
She wanted to make sure
she could still become aroused.
1261
01:16:06,709 --> 01:16:10,942
Well, I'm glad to hear
the little sweetheart can still...
1262
01:16:10,943 --> 01:16:15,242
You know, it's not in vino veritas.
1263
01:16:15,243 --> 01:16:18,476
It's in eros veritas.
1264
01:16:18,477 --> 01:16:22,476
I don't know what to do, Dobel.
I'm totally confused.
1265
01:16:22,477 --> 01:16:26,276
You said it. You're afraid to sleep alone.
That's the whole story.
1266
01:16:26,277 --> 01:16:30,576
You surround yourself
with this farrago of baby-sitters,
1267
01:16:30,577 --> 01:16:35,775
this loving-disabled sex kitten
who's driving you crazy,
1268
01:16:35,776 --> 01:16:38,708
the Jew manager, you know?
1269
01:16:38,709 --> 01:16:42,409
Let me tell you,
I am of the Hebrew persuasion,
1270
01:16:42,410 --> 01:16:44,808
but that guy who handles you
1271
01:16:44,809 --> 01:16:50,042
is a member of one of the lost tribes
of Israel that should have remained lost.
1272
01:16:50,043 --> 01:16:55,276
And you got this shrink who, like God,
never speaks and, like God, is dead.
1273
01:16:55,277 --> 01:17:01,642
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
1274
01:17:01,643 --> 01:17:05,575
That's why you have to build
a survival kit.
1275
01:17:05,576 --> 01:17:10,275
Do you have a little time now?
I want to chat with you.
1276
01:17:11,808 --> 01:17:15,974
It's just a joint,
but they have great Chinese food.
1277
01:17:15,975 --> 01:17:19,833
We're in luck.
There's a guy pulling out.
1278
01:17:22,175 --> 01:17:26,202
Let me speak to you about something.
1279
01:17:26,808 --> 01:17:32,475
I have an acquaintance
out in California who produces
1280
01:17:32,476 --> 01:17:35,141
and he's doing some
comedy shows on television.
1281
01:17:35,142 --> 01:17:38,674
I know they're looking
for teams of writers.
1282
01:17:38,675 --> 01:17:43,308
If I told them that you and I were a team,
I think we could get hired.
1283
01:17:43,309 --> 01:17:44,441
In California?
1284
01:17:44,442 --> 01:17:47,907
Yeah. All the action is out there.
It's not here.
1285
01:17:47,908 --> 01:17:49,874
I don't know what Amanda would say.
1286
01:17:49,875 --> 01:17:52,475
Though her mother's always wanted
to go to Hollywood.
1287
01:17:52,476 --> 01:17:56,907
Can I explain something?
I'm talking about a clean break.
1288
01:17:56,908 --> 01:18:01,208
Me with the Board of Education,
and you with everybody.
1289
01:18:01,209 --> 01:18:05,074
With that fish peddler,
garment center manager you have,
1290
01:18:05,075 --> 01:18:09,540
with your shrink and with that little girl
who gives you a hard time.
1291
01:18:09,541 --> 01:18:12,174
I can't just leave...
go by myself?
1292
01:18:12,175 --> 01:18:14,540
Not go by yourself. Go with me.
1293
01:18:14,541 --> 01:18:17,741
We'd go together so you can't
fall back on being alone.
1294
01:18:17,742 --> 01:18:20,074
I've given it a lot of thought, Falk,
1295
01:18:20,075 --> 01:18:24,707
and I know for me, it's now or never.
1296
01:18:24,708 --> 01:18:26,874
[Car starting]
1297
01:18:26,875 --> 01:18:30,937
Think about it.
Just think about it.
1298
01:18:39,109 --> 01:18:41,874
Hey!
1299
01:18:45,675 --> 01:18:48,174
Hey, I was waiting
for this space for five minutes.
1300
01:18:48,175 --> 01:18:51,074
I was here for five minutes, waiting...
1301
01:18:51,075 --> 01:18:53,941
You got a problem with me parking here?
1302
01:18:53,942 --> 01:18:56,907
You been waiting? Too bad.
You slow, you blow.
1303
01:18:56,908 --> 01:19:00,441
- I'm a busy man. I have things to do.
- But I was...
1304
01:19:00,442 --> 01:19:03,308
What, are you high on crack
to be arguing with him?!
1305
01:19:03,309 --> 01:19:07,008
- I was waiting here for five minutes!
- You want to meet God?
1306
01:19:07,009 --> 01:19:09,008
Do you? Get out of here!
1307
01:19:09,009 --> 01:19:12,208
Go home, old man.
Do what the man says.
1308
01:19:12,209 --> 01:19:14,375
Go, before I kick you in the ass!
1309
01:19:14,376 --> 01:19:18,801
Get in your car and go home.
And you, turn around!
1310
01:19:19,508 --> 01:19:21,707
Idiots!
1311
01:19:25,775 --> 01:19:27,907
My God, Dobel.
1312
01:19:27,908 --> 01:19:30,841
Either one of those guys
could have beat you to a pulp.
1313
01:19:30,842 --> 01:19:33,507
Is it so important you insist?
1314
01:19:33,508 --> 01:19:35,707
Life's unfair.
You said it yourself.
1315
01:19:35,708 --> 01:19:39,507
Those guys have the muscles
and we're blessed with wit.
1316
01:19:39,508 --> 01:19:43,474
Later on, in the quiet and safety
of some delicatessen,
1317
01:19:43,475 --> 01:19:47,507
we can write a biting satire
and expose all their foibles
1318
01:19:47,508 --> 01:19:50,974
and have a great, big laugh.
Two jerks.
1319
01:19:50,975 --> 01:19:54,074
[Falk:] But in the meantime,
they've got the biceps.
1320
01:19:54,075 --> 01:19:56,704
[Brakes squealing]
What are you doing?
1321
01:19:57,708 --> 01:20:02,208
Why are you parking?
Dobel, what are you doing?
1322
01:20:02,209 --> 01:20:08,533
Why are we back here?
What is that for? Dobel!
1323
01:20:11,042 --> 01:20:13,501
Oh, my God. Dobel!
1324
01:20:17,242 --> 01:20:19,132
Dobel!
1325
01:20:25,175 --> 01:20:28,008
Dobel, let's go! My god.
1326
01:20:28,009 --> 01:20:31,174
You're sick in the head,
you know that? Crazy!
1327
01:20:31,175 --> 01:20:33,874
[Engine sputtering]
1328
01:20:33,875 --> 01:20:36,341
Start the car.
1329
01:20:36,342 --> 01:20:38,800
What are you doing?
[Engine starts]
1330
01:20:47,608 --> 01:20:51,170
[Typing]
1331
01:20:53,675 --> 01:20:56,074
I had mixed feelings over the day.
1332
01:20:56,075 --> 01:21:00,707
On the one hand, I was convinced
Dobel was a raving, psychotic lunatic.
1333
01:21:00,708 --> 01:21:04,540
On the other hand, I had
a kind of odd admiration for him.
1334
01:21:04,541 --> 01:21:07,774
I would have just slinked away, bullied.
You know?
1335
01:21:07,775 --> 01:21:11,340
But he wouldn't let the injustice rest.
He resisted.
1336
01:21:11,341 --> 01:21:13,874
There are always some people
who will resist.
1337
01:21:13,875 --> 01:21:17,937
And, as he says,
the issue is always fascism.
1338
01:21:45,975 --> 01:21:48,900
He's nuts.
1339
01:21:50,775 --> 01:21:54,707
And yet the thought
of giving up everything here
1340
01:21:54,708 --> 01:22:00,440
and starting fresh in California,
it's so tempting and exhilarating.
1341
01:22:00,441 --> 01:22:04,273
Why do I get so scared?
Because I'm not a leaver.
1342
01:22:04,274 --> 01:22:08,008
The one time Amanda
and I broke up, she left me.
1343
01:22:08,009 --> 01:22:11,941
It all happened too fast.
I was overwhelmed by you.
1344
01:22:11,942 --> 01:22:15,607
It was a whirlwind and right away,
we were living together!
1345
01:22:15,608 --> 01:22:18,841
I think we'd both benefit
by some time apart.
1346
01:22:18,842 --> 01:22:21,407
I don't need time apart.
I know I love you.
1347
01:22:21,408 --> 01:22:22,907
Well, I do!
1348
01:22:22,908 --> 01:22:25,208
I can't think.
[Horn honking]
1349
01:22:25,209 --> 01:22:30,108
I get these migraines and sometimes,
my throat closes up and I can't breathe.
1350
01:22:30,109 --> 01:22:32,741
I feel trapped and suffocated!
1351
01:22:32,742 --> 01:22:35,640
Maybe if we slept
with the window open.
1352
01:22:35,641 --> 01:22:38,974
- I'll move in with April.
- What if you return to a shrink?
1353
01:22:38,975 --> 01:22:42,074
I told you, shrinks don't work for me.
I know how to fool them.
1354
01:22:42,075 --> 01:22:47,008
Just all that talk about
how we were made for each other,
1355
01:22:47,009 --> 01:22:49,536
and marriage, I...
1356
01:22:50,975 --> 01:22:53,674
She moved out.
I was miserable.
1357
01:22:53,675 --> 01:22:57,273
Eating moo goo gai pan
out of boxes every night,
1358
01:22:57,274 --> 01:22:59,640
having dreams of death.
1359
01:22:59,641 --> 01:23:03,998
I tried dating, but it was hard
getting her out of my mind.
1360
01:23:08,508 --> 01:23:12,407
Why don't you come
to the ladies' room?
1361
01:23:12,408 --> 01:23:16,300
The door locks.
We can be alone.
1362
01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:21,841
The wine has put me, um,
very much in the mood.
1363
01:23:21,842 --> 01:23:27,540
Okay. I'll count to 30
and meet you in the ladies' room.
1364
01:23:27,541 --> 01:23:29,540
Meet me where?
1365
01:23:29,541 --> 01:23:31,807
I'm sorry.
1366
01:23:31,808 --> 01:23:35,407
My mind was somewhere else.
1367
01:23:35,408 --> 01:23:38,974
[Falk.] Then, a few weeks later,
just as suddenly as she moved out,
1368
01:23:38,975 --> 01:23:40,207
Amanda returned.
1369
01:23:40,208 --> 01:23:44,407
[Amanda:] I'm back.
But if you don't want me, I understand.
1370
01:23:44,408 --> 01:23:46,474
You're back?
1371
01:23:46,475 --> 01:23:52,273
I couldn't be without you.
I tried, but I just couldn't.
1372
01:23:52,274 --> 01:23:56,640
You didn't move in with
your girlfriend April, like you said.
1373
01:23:56,641 --> 01:24:01,008
I found out you went to Naples
with Tony Hanken.
1374
01:24:01,009 --> 01:24:02,907
Well, you can understand.
1375
01:24:02,908 --> 01:24:06,207
He wanted me to go with him
to Naples and Rome.
1376
01:24:06,208 --> 01:24:08,640
It sounded so romantic.
1377
01:24:08,641 --> 01:24:13,674
Those are places I've dreamed of.
I thought that's what I wanted.
1378
01:24:13,675 --> 01:24:16,574
But I missed you too much.
1379
01:24:16,575 --> 01:24:19,008
But of course you made love with him.
1380
01:24:19,009 --> 01:24:21,640
Yes, but I thought of you.
1381
01:24:21,641 --> 01:24:26,074
You were really the person I was
making love to in Naples and Florence
1382
01:24:26,075 --> 01:24:29,674
and Venice, on the airplane
40,000 feet in the air...
1383
01:24:29,675 --> 01:24:31,240
Okay. Enough.
1384
01:24:31,241 --> 01:24:34,474
Oh, yeah... and at the Vatican.
1385
01:24:34,475 --> 01:24:37,607
All I could think about
while we were doing it
1386
01:24:37,608 --> 01:24:40,841
was how much
you would love that ceiling.
1387
01:24:40,842 --> 01:24:44,941
So I'm back.
I'm home because...
1388
01:24:44,942 --> 01:24:48,540
I can't live without you.
1389
01:24:48,541 --> 01:24:52,807
[Falk.] We made love that night.
It was wonderful.
1390
01:24:52,808 --> 01:24:56,240
If only certain moments in life
could last,
1391
01:24:56,241 --> 01:25:00,235
just stay frozen,
like some old vase.
1392
01:25:05,009 --> 01:25:08,070
[Typing]
1393
01:25:21,141 --> 01:25:23,703
[Door opens, woman laughing]
1394
01:25:25,908 --> 01:25:30,474
Paula, would you keep it down?
You're going to wake Amanda.
1395
01:25:30,475 --> 01:25:33,374
Jerry, you haven't met Ralph.
This is Ralph!
1396
01:25:33,375 --> 01:25:36,140
Can you keep it down?
Amanda's...
1397
01:25:36,141 --> 01:25:38,707
we saw Elaine Stritch
on Broadway tonight.
1398
01:25:38,708 --> 01:25:40,173
She was magnificent!
1399
01:25:40,174 --> 01:25:42,474
Unbelievable!
I wish I could do that!
1400
01:25:42,475 --> 01:25:43,974
- You can.
- I can.
1401
01:25:43,975 --> 01:25:46,008
I mean, I have a voice.
1402
01:25:46,009 --> 01:25:48,640
I just need some snappy dialogue
from you, Jerry.
1403
01:25:48,641 --> 01:25:52,841
Absolutely. I'm sorry.
I'm, uh...
1404
01:25:52,842 --> 01:25:55,941
[Paula:] Ralph, don't give me much.
I've never had cocaine before.
1405
01:25:55,942 --> 01:25:58,574
- Okay, just a little.
- Is that coc... what are you...
1406
01:25:58,575 --> 01:26:00,474
- Is that, uh?
- It's blow.
1407
01:26:00,475 --> 01:26:05,340
Blow? What are you doing with blow?
And on my computer?
1408
01:26:05,341 --> 01:26:07,607
You're such a stick in the mud!
1409
01:26:07,608 --> 01:26:10,741
- You can partake.
- I'm not going to partake.
1410
01:26:10,742 --> 01:26:13,807
- What is going on?
- I said they'd wake you.
1411
01:26:13,808 --> 01:26:17,107
Mother, you know how
difficult it is for me to sleep.
1412
01:26:17,108 --> 01:26:19,340
I took two sleeping pills tonight.
1413
01:26:19,341 --> 01:26:22,907
We saw Elaine Stritch on Broadway.
You want some cocaine?
1414
01:26:22,908 --> 01:26:28,273
No, we don't want any cocaine, Amanda.
1415
01:26:28,274 --> 01:26:30,974
- I've never tried it.
- I've never tried lots of things!
1416
01:26:30,975 --> 01:26:33,974
- Bungee jumping, alligator wrestling.
- I'd have a little.
1417
01:26:33,975 --> 01:26:37,207
- You don't know what you're doing!
- No fears, Jerry.
1418
01:26:37,208 --> 01:26:39,107
Ralph knows exactly what he's doing.
1419
01:26:39,108 --> 01:26:43,273
- Nothing to worry about.
- Great. I won't be a part of this.
1420
01:26:43,274 --> 01:26:45,474
[Paula:] You are so goddamn prissy!
1421
01:26:45,475 --> 01:26:47,273
Thank you very much, Paula.
1422
01:26:47,274 --> 01:26:50,707
She has a point.
You're never up for anything.
1423
01:26:50,708 --> 01:26:54,007
I'm up for things that
you're not up for. Okay?
1424
01:26:54,008 --> 01:26:57,674
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
1425
01:26:57,675 --> 01:27:00,640
- [Snorting]
- I'm not going to snort cocaine, okay?
1426
01:27:00,641 --> 01:27:04,474
I'm a nice, square Jewish boy, okay?
1427
01:27:04,475 --> 01:27:07,841
I'm not putting anything up my nose.
My God, Paula!
1428
01:27:07,842 --> 01:27:10,440
- Are you kidding me?
- I don't know. I do it right?
1429
01:27:10,441 --> 01:27:13,107
It'll make you feel sexy, Jerry.
1430
01:27:13,108 --> 01:27:15,474
Does it?
Does it make you feel sexy?
1431
01:27:15,475 --> 01:27:18,741
- [Ralph:] Sexy.
- This could be interesting.
1432
01:27:18,742 --> 01:27:22,207
Some people it makes feel sexy.
Other it makes belligerent.
1433
01:27:22,208 --> 01:27:24,107
With my luck, you'll take a knife to me.
1434
01:27:24,108 --> 01:27:26,674
[Ralph:] Come on, just do a line!
1435
01:27:26,675 --> 01:27:30,440
You know what this does to your
nasal membranes? Eats them raw.
1436
01:27:30,441 --> 01:27:33,207
- Just do some with me.
- No!
1437
01:27:33,208 --> 01:27:36,640
Maybe it'll turn me on.
1438
01:27:36,641 --> 01:27:38,940
Darling, have a drink.
1439
01:27:38,941 --> 01:27:40,507
I have to talk to Dobel.
1440
01:27:40,508 --> 01:27:44,607
[Paula:] It's just a social thing.
It's not like we're drug addicts.
1441
01:27:44,608 --> 01:27:47,574
They snorted cocaine!
Can you believe that?
1442
01:27:47,575 --> 01:27:51,741
My mother fed me Cheerios.
She's giving her daughter coke!
1443
01:27:51,742 --> 01:27:55,841
By the way, it did not
solve our problem in bed.
1444
01:27:55,842 --> 01:28:00,173
I was not making eyes
at my mother's boyfriend.
1445
01:28:00,174 --> 01:28:03,140
God, you're so paranoid.
1446
01:28:03,141 --> 01:28:05,474
Why would I be interested
in a horse whisperer
1447
01:28:05,475 --> 01:28:10,774
who lives in Topanga Canyon
and has one of those giant SUVs
1448
01:28:10,775 --> 01:28:14,173
and stupid German Shepherds
and chain saws.
1449
01:28:14,174 --> 01:28:17,173
How do you know
so much about him?
1450
01:28:17,174 --> 01:28:21,373
Well, he was interesting to talk to.
1451
01:28:21,374 --> 01:28:26,905
So you're saying you're on the defensive
because you wouldn't snort cocaine?
1452
01:28:26,906 --> 01:28:30,473
It's not the cocaine.
It's the principle.
1453
01:28:30,474 --> 01:28:33,539
- What principle?
- And, you know, she's not entirely wrong.
1454
01:28:33,540 --> 01:28:38,602
I mean, I am too rigid and disciplined.
1455
01:28:39,040 --> 01:28:42,840
- What is this?
- You don't want to know.
1456
01:28:42,841 --> 01:28:48,106
What is it, a monologue
for some alleged comedian
1457
01:28:48,107 --> 01:28:52,239
who thinks to be offensive
is in itself enough to be funny?
1458
01:28:52,240 --> 01:28:56,539
I wish it were.
I certainly can't write at home anymore.
1459
01:28:56,540 --> 01:29:01,068
- What is it?
- My contract extension with Harvey.
1460
01:29:01,474 --> 01:29:05,439
- Unsigned, of course.
- You don't understand, okay?
1461
01:29:05,440 --> 01:29:10,072
If I don't re-up with him,
he will truly die.
1462
01:29:10,073 --> 01:29:12,272
- He'll commit suicide.
- I understand.
1463
01:29:12,273 --> 01:29:14,872
No, I understand completely.
1464
01:29:14,873 --> 01:29:18,172
What are you doing?
Dobel, what the hell are you doing?!
1465
01:29:18,173 --> 01:29:21,005
- What is wrong with you?!
- Where are you meeting him?
1466
01:29:21,006 --> 01:29:22,806
What did you do?!
1467
01:29:22,807 --> 01:29:26,806
- At Isabella's. What did you do?
- Well, go in and tell him it's over.
1468
01:29:26,807 --> 01:29:31,072
Tell him you and I are going
to California to write as a team.
1469
01:29:31,073 --> 01:29:33,839
Are you insane?
Why did you tear this up?!
1470
01:29:33,840 --> 01:29:37,639
Because you're not spending
five more minutes with this guy,
1471
01:29:37,640 --> 01:29:40,606
much less seven years
with this fumbling vantz
1472
01:29:40,607 --> 01:29:42,972
who robs you blind with a sliding scale.
1473
01:29:42,973 --> 01:29:46,406
I can't tell him it's over, Dobel.
I cannot...
1474
01:29:46,407 --> 01:29:49,339
I'll go with you.
I'll sit in the place while you tell him.
1475
01:29:49,340 --> 01:29:52,206
I'll give you moral support.
And don't beat around the bush.
1476
01:29:52,207 --> 01:29:54,871
Once you tergiversate, you're lost.
1477
01:30:07,873 --> 01:30:10,606
I'm sorry I'm late.
1478
01:30:10,607 --> 01:30:13,740
My mom has this hyperactive thyroid.
1479
01:30:13,741 --> 01:30:17,606
Sorry.
1480
01:30:17,607 --> 01:30:19,573
I ran into Dick Mallory.
1481
01:30:19,574 --> 01:30:22,406
He's working with a comic
who needs material.
1482
01:30:22,407 --> 01:30:25,740
I naturally told him your price.
1483
01:30:25,741 --> 01:30:29,373
I said, you know, what you get.
1484
01:30:29,374 --> 01:30:32,373
The kid works dirty.
A lot of bathroom jokes.
1485
01:30:32,374 --> 01:30:36,772
I said, "Look, Jerry Falk is a professional.
1486
01:30:36,773 --> 01:30:42,539
"If what you need are bathroom jokes,
he can do them."
1487
01:30:42,540 --> 01:30:44,706
Harvey?
1488
01:30:44,707 --> 01:30:48,072
- What's wrong with your voice?
- We should talk.
1489
01:30:48,073 --> 01:30:50,439
Yeah. That's the way I am.
1490
01:30:50,440 --> 01:30:54,373
I always like to settle business
before the meal.
1491
01:30:54,374 --> 01:30:57,839
This way, you can relax
and enjoy lunch.
1492
01:30:57,840 --> 01:31:01,470
You brought the contract, right?
1493
01:31:02,073 --> 01:31:04,139
Harvey...
1494
01:31:04,140 --> 01:31:07,939
there's no question that you were there
for me from the start.
1495
01:31:07,940 --> 01:31:11,506
And if you think it's easy
selling an 18-year-old unknown...
1496
01:31:11,507 --> 01:31:14,005
it's a jungle out there.
1497
01:31:14,006 --> 01:31:17,905
And, and you've done
a very professional job.
1498
01:31:17,906 --> 01:31:21,905
And I've paid you...
I mean, the sliding scale.
1499
01:31:21,906 --> 01:31:25,439
You know, even though
it slid toward you.
1500
01:31:25,440 --> 01:31:28,839
Now... now I see myself
1501
01:31:28,840 --> 01:31:31,005
moving in a whole new direction.
1502
01:31:31,006 --> 01:31:32,772
Meaning?
1503
01:31:32,773 --> 01:31:36,939
Basically, I'm interested
in more serious things.
1504
01:31:36,940 --> 01:31:41,195
A novel, maybe some plays,
maybe not even comedy.
1505
01:31:42,806 --> 01:31:47,772
The dollars are in the jokes.
Funny is money.
1506
01:31:47,773 --> 01:31:52,339
I mean, you know, as a hobby,
later, when you're rich
1507
01:31:52,340 --> 01:31:56,039
someday, if you want to try a book... fine.
1508
01:31:56,040 --> 01:31:59,839
Although... the young kids are not readers.
1509
01:31:59,840 --> 01:32:01,705
Harvey...
1510
01:32:01,706 --> 01:32:04,666
What? You're all flushed.
1511
01:32:05,873 --> 01:32:08,839
I'm not going to re-sign with you.
1512
01:32:08,840 --> 01:32:10,339
What?
1513
01:32:10,340 --> 01:32:14,872
Now I know this may be a little,
uh, disappointing to you,
1514
01:32:14,873 --> 01:32:19,672
but I'm moving to California
and reevaluating my priorities.
1515
01:32:19,673 --> 01:32:23,667
- You're what?
- I'm not going to need a manager.
1516
01:32:29,040 --> 01:32:31,139
You're not re-signing with me?
1517
01:32:31,140 --> 01:32:33,206
It's not the end of the world.
1518
01:32:33,207 --> 01:32:38,039
- You're dumping me?
- No, not dumping. I'm moving.
1519
01:32:38,040 --> 01:32:41,005
I'm changing my goals.
Don't take it badly.
1520
01:32:41,006 --> 01:32:44,473
No! My life...
1521
01:32:44,474 --> 01:32:48,772
My life is over.
You're not re-signing with me?!
1522
01:32:48,773 --> 01:32:50,705
Harvey, calm down.
1523
01:32:50,706 --> 01:32:54,206
But my future! My plans!
1524
01:32:54,207 --> 01:32:57,905
The humiliation!
You're dumping me!
1525
01:32:57,906 --> 01:32:59,772
You're overreacting.
1526
01:32:59,773 --> 01:33:02,939
You ungrateful,
1527
01:33:02,940 --> 01:33:06,939
phony, two-timing...
you louse!
1528
01:33:06,940 --> 01:33:09,473
Folks, this is not what you think.
1529
01:33:09,474 --> 01:33:13,106
- I've invested all my dreams in you!
- I'm leaving town.
1530
01:33:13,107 --> 01:33:15,872
- What have I done wrong?!
- Nothing.
1531
01:33:15,873 --> 01:33:18,272
- How have I failed you?!
- You've been great.
1532
01:33:18,273 --> 01:33:20,039
Can we discuss this elsewhere?
1533
01:33:20,040 --> 01:33:24,539
This is the loyalty I get
for years of struggle?!
1534
01:33:24,540 --> 01:33:27,272
Harvey, not everybody
signs every contract for life.
1535
01:33:27,273 --> 01:33:32,373
The room is turning black!
Turning black!
1536
01:33:32,374 --> 01:33:35,162
Air! Air!
1537
01:33:38,673 --> 01:33:41,039
Dobel! Dobel!
1538
01:33:41,040 --> 01:33:44,106
He's firing me!
This is the payoff I get!
1539
01:33:44,107 --> 01:33:46,439
- I'm out!
- He's taking it badly.
1540
01:33:46,440 --> 01:33:49,506
- Pains in my chest!
- Can we get some brandy for him?
1541
01:33:49,507 --> 01:33:52,373
Please reconsider.
Tell him to reconsider.
1542
01:33:52,374 --> 01:33:54,539
I'll go home and think about it.
1543
01:33:54,540 --> 01:33:58,406
Listen to me!
He's not reconsidering.
1544
01:33:58,407 --> 01:34:00,839
He's moving on.
Get on with your life.
1545
01:34:00,840 --> 01:34:03,265
[People gasping]
1546
01:34:05,006 --> 01:34:06,905
Everybody, stand back.
Relax.
1547
01:34:06,906 --> 01:34:08,805
Oh, my God!
1548
01:34:08,806 --> 01:34:11,072
[Dobel:] There seems to be
a pulse beat here.
1549
01:34:11,073 --> 01:34:13,839
- [Falk:] What have I done?
- We should get an ambulance.
1550
01:34:13,840 --> 01:34:16,672
An ambulance? What have I done?
Oh, my God!
1551
01:34:16,673 --> 01:34:19,139
Relax. The paramedics
will pound on the chest.
1552
01:34:19,140 --> 01:34:22,406
I killed him!
I shouldn't have listened to you.
1553
01:34:22,407 --> 01:34:27,139
Sometimes the victim comes back.
You don't need a manager.
1554
01:34:27,140 --> 01:34:29,739
Well, maybe not,
but I don't need him to die.
1555
01:34:29,740 --> 01:34:34,373
Relax! If he dies because
you don't sign a contract with him,
1556
01:34:34,374 --> 01:34:37,206
then you should have
nothing to do with him.
1557
01:34:37,207 --> 01:34:38,972
Harvey?
1558
01:34:39,740 --> 01:34:44,672
[Falk.] Harvey did not die.
As Dobel predicted, he survived.
1559
01:34:44,673 --> 01:34:47,805
I walked around in the city,
trying to get my thoughts in order.
1560
01:34:47,806 --> 01:34:52,139
Whenever I'm unsure or troubled,
I take to the city streets.
1561
01:34:52,140 --> 01:34:54,373
Walking in New York clears my head.
1562
01:34:54,374 --> 01:34:56,538
I couldn't deny it.
1563
01:34:56,539 --> 01:35:00,172
There was a feeling of freedom,
of exhilaration.
1564
01:35:00,173 --> 01:35:01,972
[Falk:] Hey!
1565
01:35:01,973 --> 01:35:03,972
- Hi!
- Hey.
1566
01:35:03,973 --> 01:35:05,972
Jerry, you remember Connie.
1567
01:35:05,973 --> 01:35:09,172
- Connie, nice to see you.
- I invited her for dinner.
1568
01:35:09,173 --> 01:35:11,572
- You're cooking?
- Yes.
1569
01:35:11,573 --> 01:35:14,106
I'm making spaghetti.
1570
01:35:14,107 --> 01:35:16,572
He makes fun of me
because I only know how
1571
01:35:16,573 --> 01:35:18,872
to make spaghetti for eight people.
1572
01:35:18,873 --> 01:35:22,039
I can't change
the recipe proportionally.
1573
01:35:22,040 --> 01:35:25,739
So tonight we'll be having
five extra portions.
1574
01:35:25,740 --> 01:35:29,739
[Falk:] I have news!
I've parted ways with Harvey.
1575
01:35:29,740 --> 01:35:31,839
Oh.
1576
01:35:31,840 --> 01:35:33,805
The spaghetti for eight is terrific.
1577
01:35:33,806 --> 01:35:35,605
Let me explain what happened.
1578
01:35:35,606 --> 01:35:38,505
There I am, having a nice time,
a little drunk.
1579
01:35:38,506 --> 01:35:42,472
I have two drinks and I'm ready
to hold up a Brink's truck.
1580
01:35:42,473 --> 01:35:47,373
I start to see what it is about Connie
that Amanda had raved about.
1581
01:35:47,374 --> 01:35:51,272
She was very charming
and pretty and smart.
1582
01:35:51,273 --> 01:35:56,072
I started to get the feeling
that she was finding me engaging.
1583
01:35:56,073 --> 01:35:59,905
I've never found conventionally
handsome men attractive.
1584
01:35:59,906 --> 01:36:02,872
I much prefer faces with character.
1585
01:36:02,873 --> 01:36:07,839
I've fallen for some pretty
odd-looking men in my life.
1586
01:36:07,840 --> 01:36:12,373
[Falk.] After dinner, I found myself
alone in the kitchen with Connie
1587
01:36:12,374 --> 01:36:14,505
and wanting to touch her.
1588
01:36:14,506 --> 01:36:18,739
I say this because it was the first time
since meeting Amanda
1589
01:36:18,740 --> 01:36:20,905
I'd even looked at another woman.
1590
01:36:20,906 --> 01:36:25,106
And I began to feel that
maybe the time had come for me
1591
01:36:25,107 --> 01:36:28,872
to pack up and start over
in California with Dobel.
1592
01:36:28,873 --> 01:36:32,805
I'm terminating our sessions and
moving to California with Dobel.
1593
01:36:32,806 --> 01:36:35,072
There's a job waiting for us.
1594
01:36:35,073 --> 01:36:38,972
I'll miss New York,
but if I can accumulate enough money,
1595
01:36:38,973 --> 01:36:42,872
I can return and work on
my own projects.
1596
01:36:42,873 --> 01:36:45,672
What do you think about my decision?
1597
01:36:45,673 --> 01:36:48,837
What do you think about it?
1598
01:36:51,673 --> 01:36:55,972
I told them I'm leaving.
I gave notice and I won't starve.
1599
01:36:55,973 --> 01:36:59,272
I've saved some money.
The thing I'll miss most is the kids.
1600
01:36:59,273 --> 01:37:02,206
The kids are wonderful. Bright.
1601
01:37:02,207 --> 01:37:04,905
You should see the creative ways
1602
01:37:04,906 --> 01:37:08,739
they smuggle weapons
past the metal detectors. It's amazing.
1603
01:37:08,740 --> 01:37:10,772
- Now you have to tell Amanda.
- I know.
1604
01:37:10,773 --> 01:37:12,272
And don't tergiversate.
1605
01:37:12,273 --> 01:37:16,005
Did I tergiversate with Harvey?
Huh? No.
1606
01:37:16,006 --> 01:37:18,172
I don't even know what the hell
"tergiversate" means,
1607
01:37:18,173 --> 01:37:21,339
so how can I tergiversate?
1608
01:37:21,340 --> 01:37:23,367
Ahh, she'll die.
1609
01:37:25,040 --> 01:37:29,339
Amanda?
Amanda, I want to talk with you.
1610
01:37:29,340 --> 01:37:30,639
- Hi.
- Hi.
1611
01:37:30,640 --> 01:37:33,805
- I want to talk about something.
- I need to talk to you, too.
1612
01:37:33,806 --> 01:37:37,605
I think I should go first,
'cause it's pretty serious.
1613
01:37:37,606 --> 01:37:40,472
Me, too.
1614
01:37:40,473 --> 01:37:44,796
- Can we sit down?
- Yeah, I think we should sit.
1615
01:37:48,806 --> 01:37:51,438
- I'm moving to Los Angeles.
- I'm moving out.
1616
01:37:51,439 --> 01:37:53,206
What?
1617
01:37:53,207 --> 01:37:55,939
I want to be totally honest
with you, Jerry.
1618
01:37:55,940 --> 01:37:59,906
I've met someone and developed
very strong feelings for him.
1619
01:37:59,907 --> 01:38:02,906
- You met someone?
- Yes.
1620
01:38:02,907 --> 01:38:06,572
- Have you been having an affair?
- No, and I don't want to.
1621
01:38:06,573 --> 01:38:09,772
I can't do all that lying
and sneaking around.
1622
01:38:09,773 --> 01:38:12,605
- Well, where did you meet him?
- In passing.
1623
01:38:12,606 --> 01:38:16,539
You must have spent time with him
to have feelings for him.
1624
01:38:16,540 --> 01:38:20,438
We've had a few drinks, nothing heavy.
Just a few chats.
1625
01:38:20,439 --> 01:38:22,505
So you have been seeing someone.
1626
01:38:22,506 --> 01:38:25,273
I've had a couple
of casual conversations.
1627
01:38:25,274 --> 01:38:26,906
You slept with him?
1628
01:38:26,907 --> 01:38:29,405
My God, Jerry.
What do you think I am?
1629
01:38:29,406 --> 01:38:33,273
- Have you?
- Once. And very quickly.
1630
01:38:33,274 --> 01:38:35,972
I had to see if we were
sexually compatible.
1631
01:38:35,973 --> 01:38:38,906
I refused to let myself have an affair.
1632
01:38:38,907 --> 01:38:43,006
That's why I'm being so honest.
I want to be straightforward.
1633
01:38:43,007 --> 01:38:48,438
I'm at a loss for words.
I, uh, I...
1634
01:38:48,439 --> 01:38:51,839
I don't know what to say.
I'm completely taken aback.
1635
01:38:51,840 --> 01:38:55,805
I'll be moving out.
Everything will be clean and honest.
1636
01:38:55,806 --> 01:38:59,206
Mom will stay here
till Phil and I get settled.
1637
01:38:59,207 --> 01:39:01,472
- Phil?
- It'll only be a month,
1638
01:39:01,473 --> 01:39:03,839
until Phil's divorce comes through.
1639
01:39:03,840 --> 01:39:09,206
No. Your mother's not staying here.
I said I'm moving to California.
1640
01:39:09,207 --> 01:39:12,372
- I won't be here.
- That's so great!
1641
01:39:12,373 --> 01:39:14,039
Did you get a job out there?
1642
01:39:14,040 --> 01:39:18,839
Yes. Dobel and I, on a TV show.
1643
01:39:18,840 --> 01:39:22,338
That's wonderful.
You'll knock 'em dead out there.
1644
01:39:22,339 --> 01:39:27,672
Idiots who are total losers in New York
go to L.A. And become millionaires.
1645
01:39:27,673 --> 01:39:30,405
God, this is so much better this way.
1646
01:39:30,406 --> 01:39:33,672
It was unfair, the way we were living,
1647
01:39:33,673 --> 01:39:38,739
you having to put up with my stupid
inability to function sexually
1648
01:39:38,740 --> 01:39:42,528
and me hating myself all the time.
1649
01:39:42,907 --> 01:39:47,037
This is sad, but it's for the best.
1650
01:39:48,506 --> 01:39:52,605
You know what would be
kind of romantic?
1651
01:39:52,606 --> 01:39:56,072
If we were to make love,
just one last time.
1652
01:39:56,073 --> 01:39:59,305
- For old times' sake.
- I thought you couldn't.
1653
01:39:59,306 --> 01:40:03,800
Everything's different now.
The psychodynamic has changed.
1654
01:40:04,573 --> 01:40:08,532
Who knows?
Maybe we'll end up having an affair.
1655
01:40:15,339 --> 01:40:19,138
[Falk:] I did it! I did it.
I cut all the ties.
1656
01:40:19,139 --> 01:40:21,471
I feel free and exhilarated
1657
01:40:21,472 --> 01:40:24,671
like I'm falling through space.
1658
01:40:24,672 --> 01:40:27,471
I feel confident
and I'm very positive,
1659
01:40:27,472 --> 01:40:31,204
but also like I'm buried alive.
I don't know.
1660
01:40:31,205 --> 01:40:33,838
I'm sure once we get to L.A.
And start working...
1661
01:40:33,839 --> 01:40:36,905
Speaking of which,
I just bought some luggage.
1662
01:40:36,906 --> 01:40:40,771
What's wrong?
You sound all weird.
1663
01:40:40,772 --> 01:40:42,371
Where? Now?
1664
01:40:42,372 --> 01:40:47,938
I don't think I know where that spot
in the park is. Where is it?
1665
01:40:47,939 --> 01:40:51,000
All right. I'll find it.
1666
01:41:02,505 --> 01:41:05,271
- You're late!
- Could you pick a more secluded spot?
1667
01:41:05,272 --> 01:41:08,504
- Did anyone follow you?
- No! No one followed me.
1668
01:41:08,505 --> 01:41:13,105
- Wait until I tell you what Amanda said.
- I have to explain something to you.
1669
01:41:13,106 --> 01:41:16,971
Due to circumstances,
I think I should really
1670
01:41:16,972 --> 01:41:22,237
get away to a less conspicuous venue.
Maybe like Alaska or something.
1671
01:41:22,238 --> 01:41:25,338
- What are you talking about?
- You have to go by yourself.
1672
01:41:25,339 --> 01:41:27,638
- I'm not going.
- What?
1673
01:41:27,639 --> 01:41:31,705
You have the job. It's there
waiting for you. It's all done.
1674
01:41:31,706 --> 01:41:35,504
No, no, no.
That's not the deal.
1675
01:41:35,505 --> 01:41:38,038
We go as a team, Dobel.
1676
01:41:38,039 --> 01:41:40,671
You're grown up.
You can handle it alone.
1677
01:41:40,672 --> 01:41:43,304
I don't understand.
What happened?
1678
01:41:43,305 --> 01:41:44,805
You don't want to know.
1679
01:41:44,806 --> 01:41:48,271
You can't cop out
and not give me an explanation.
1680
01:41:48,272 --> 01:41:52,271
I've changed my whole life around.
What happened?
1681
01:41:52,272 --> 01:41:56,171
Just some nonsense, Falk.
You know.
1682
01:41:56,172 --> 01:42:00,104
The other night,
I was out of state.
1683
01:42:00,105 --> 01:42:02,671
Don't ask me where.
The less you know, the better.
1684
01:42:02,672 --> 01:42:05,771
I was trying to sell my car
1685
01:42:05,772 --> 01:42:09,771
to a potential buyer as a preamble
to our trip to California.
1686
01:42:09,772 --> 01:42:13,038
And I was coming home,
speeding a little bit.
1687
01:42:13,039 --> 01:42:18,104
What's the fun of having a car like that
if you can't get a little velocity going?
1688
01:42:18,105 --> 01:42:22,171
And I was stopped
by two state troopers.
1689
01:42:22,172 --> 01:42:27,471
They were exceptionally nasty,
and one thing led to another.
1690
01:42:27,472 --> 01:42:29,871
They made some remarks
and got physical,
1691
01:42:29,872 --> 01:42:33,771
and I made some remarks,
and they got a little rough,
1692
01:42:33,772 --> 01:42:40,005
and the next thing I knew,
they made some crack about my religion,
1693
01:42:40,006 --> 01:42:41,738
which I found in poor taste.
1694
01:42:41,739 --> 01:42:44,604
Religion? You're an atheist.
1695
01:42:44,605 --> 01:42:47,137
Yes, I'm an atheist, but...
1696
01:42:47,138 --> 01:42:50,971
but I resented the fact,
however obliquely
1697
01:42:50,972 --> 01:42:55,404
that they implied Auschwitz
was basically a theme park.
1698
01:42:55,405 --> 01:42:58,871
Anyhow, a little bloodied,
I returned to my apartment
1699
01:42:58,872 --> 01:43:04,504
and got one of my many weapons,
and I returned to find them.
1700
01:43:04,505 --> 01:43:08,204
Don't you dare tell me you shot them.
1701
01:43:08,205 --> 01:43:11,371
I couldn't find both of them,
only one.
1702
01:43:11,372 --> 01:43:15,438
As fate turned out, I located
the more porcine of the two.
1703
01:43:15,439 --> 01:43:17,438
How serious?
1704
01:43:17,439 --> 01:43:22,404
In a satirical mood,
I thought it would be amusing
1705
01:43:22,405 --> 01:43:27,204
if I shot him in the ass,
but it was dark and I was nervous,
1706
01:43:27,205 --> 01:43:32,037
and, you know,
time has diminished my accuracy.
1707
01:43:32,038 --> 01:43:34,168
[Falk sighs] Dobel!
1708
01:43:34,772 --> 01:43:36,838
Dobel!
1709
01:43:36,839 --> 01:43:38,504
My God!
1710
01:43:38,505 --> 01:43:43,538
I always knew I would use
the survival kit one day.
1711
01:43:43,539 --> 01:43:49,738
It's just for a period of time
until everything blows over, I suppose.
1712
01:43:49,739 --> 01:43:54,471
God. Oh, Dobel.
1713
01:43:55,372 --> 01:43:57,638
Dobel.
1714
01:44:14,639 --> 01:44:16,705
[Falk.] I never knew
if Dobel's story was true
1715
01:44:16,706 --> 01:44:20,037
or just a piece of fiction
he used to get me to go alone.
1716
01:44:20,038 --> 01:44:24,204
I never saw or heard from him again.
1717
01:44:24,205 --> 01:44:27,771
For all I know, he's ice fishing
somewhere in the Yukon.
1718
01:44:27,772 --> 01:44:32,504
I thought a lot about that strange,
sad, improbable character
1719
01:44:32,505 --> 01:44:36,271
and remembered very fondly
our afternoons in Central Park.
1720
01:44:36,272 --> 01:44:41,104
[Dobel:] In life, they'll be no shortage
of people who'll tell you how to live.
1721
01:44:41,105 --> 01:44:44,705
They'll have all the answers...
what you should do and not do.
1722
01:44:44,706 --> 01:44:48,871
Don't argue with them.
Say, "Yes, that's a brilliant idea,"
1723
01:44:48,872 --> 01:44:50,638
and do what you want.
1724
01:44:50,639 --> 01:44:54,237
Whenever you write,
strive for originality,
1725
01:44:54,238 --> 01:44:56,937
but if you have to steal,
steal from the best.
1726
01:44:56,938 --> 01:45:01,004
And if you take very good care
of your styptic pencil
1727
01:45:01,005 --> 01:45:03,004
and dry it after every shave,
1728
01:45:03,005 --> 01:45:06,271
it'll last longer than most
relationships you're in.
1729
01:45:06,272 --> 01:45:09,838
[Falk.] The seminal joke about Dobel
is the old one-liner:
1730
01:45:09,839 --> 01:45:13,970
That even a clock that's broken
is right twice a day.
1731
01:45:13,971 --> 01:45:17,871
Dobel had a real sense of irony
and would have appreciated
1732
01:45:17,872 --> 01:45:20,838
that I got one last,
to use his word,
1733
01:45:20,839 --> 01:45:26,264
adventitious glimpse of Amanda
as I was leaving for JFK.
1734
01:45:42,439 --> 01:45:44,295
The doctor!
1735
01:45:46,138 --> 01:45:48,538
I knew that doctor was hot for her.
1736
01:45:48,539 --> 01:45:50,471
[Cab driver:] What'd you say?
1737
01:45:50,472 --> 01:45:54,705
I was just saying how strange life is,
1738
01:45:54,706 --> 01:45:57,904
how full of inexplicable mystery.
1739
01:45:57,905 --> 01:46:01,763
[Driver:] Well, you know,
it's like anything else.
1740
01:46:03,672 --> 01:46:06,870
- You'd be
1741
01:46:06,871 --> 01:46:10,338
- So easy to love
1742
01:46:10,339 --> 01:46:13,805
- So easy to idolize
1743
01:46:13,971 --> 01:46:16,936
- All others above
1744
01:46:16,937 --> 01:46:22,870
- So worth the yearning for
1745
01:46:22,871 --> 01:46:30,237
- So swell to keep
Every home fire burning for
1746
01:46:30,238 --> 01:46:33,070
- We'd be
1747
01:46:33,071 --> 01:46:36,836
- So grand at the game
1748
01:46:36,837 --> 01:46:40,136
- So carefree together that it
1749
01:46:40,137 --> 01:46:43,370
- Does seem a shame
1750
01:46:43,371 --> 01:46:46,704
- That you can't see
1751
01:46:46,705 --> 01:46:48,604
- Your future with me
1752
01:46:48,605 --> 01:46:55,667
- 'Cause you'd be
Oh-so easy to love
144576
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