All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s33e02.720p.web.h264-cakes_Track03

♪ ♪

We sure lucked out
with this new gig.

Half day on Christmas,
unpaid polio leave,

and all the bread crumbs
you can sweep.

Mac, we just
got our first paychecks.

Take this money
and turn it into giggle water.

(stammers) FICA?!

What the hell is that?

Eh, that's your
Social Security tax.

Government takes our money,

then gives it back
when you retire in 50 years.

What? Stupid government
thinks it's smarter than me.

I can handle my money.

Put five bucks
on any two animals fighting.

And I'll eat the loser.

We're not gonna
need Social Security.

We're gonna be rich.

Yeah, we'll never
need government help.

Help me, government!

We need our
Social Security checks.

Make rain a modest,
fixed amount.

♪ Here comes the money ♪

-♪ Here we go ♪
-♪ Money talks ♪

♪ Here comes the money ♪

♪ Money, money, money,
money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money, money ♪
-♪ Dolla, dolla ♪

-♪ Dolla, dolla ♪
-♪ Ching, ching ♪

♪ Bling, bling,
cut the chatter ♪

♪ You ain't talking money ♪

♪ Then your talking
don't matter ♪

♪ Ching, ching, bling, bling,
pattin' pockets ♪

♪ You make the dolla dolla,
can't a damn soul stop it ♪

-♪ Shock it ♪
-♪ Here comes ♪

♪ The new kid on the block ♪

♪ Hold all your bets
here's where. ♪

GRAMPA: Hmm.

Hmm.

Now, this is what
I call cribbage.

Abe wins again!

(sighs)

Another great day in the books.

Now to cap it all off
with a medicated foot bath

and a nice, deep-ear Q-tipping.

(snoring)

(phone rings)

(exclaiming)

Hello?

BOY:
Grandfather!
You've got to help me!

What?
Is that you, Bart?

That's right.
It's me, Bart.

I'm so scared.
I'm in jail!

-Jail?
-Please don't
tell my dad or mom.

They'll be so mad. The policeman
needs to talk to you.

MAN:
Sir, your grandson
is in big trouble.

No, not Bart.
My little angel.

Well, he was arrested for
vandalism and shoplifting, sir.

Yeah, that sounds like Bart,
that little devil.

If you don't send his bail money
in the next 90 minutes,

he's going straight
to the downtown

juvenile detention center.

BOY:
Grandfather! Help me! Please!

Don't worry, Bart.

Just tell me what you need
and I'll do it.

Your Grampa loves you.

I need to wire some money
to an overseas account

to bail my grandson
out of an unnamed jail.

Fill out this form.

I didn't know my little Emma
was in Colombia,

let alone
working as a drug mule.

I'm just thankful
the Russian secret police

will accept the title
to my Lexus.

MAN:
Mr. Simpson, we've
confirmed receipt.

Your grandson
will be released...

Oh, thank God.

...once you pay
his processing fees,

holding cell costs
and handcuff tax.

It's on its way,
plus a little extra

for you being so helpful.

Did he reach out to his father?
His mother?

His dead grandmother?

No.
He came to me.

Because Bart knew that
he could count on his Grampa

to get him
out of any kind of jam.

Mm.

Oh, thank goodness
you're out!

Okay, okay,
enough with the smooches.

I don't care what you've done.
All that matters

is that no grandson of mine's
gonna go to jail.

Jail?
Are you off your meds

or on new meds?

Bart, don't you remember?

I just wired all that money
to pay your bail.

Whoa, Grampa,
I think you were...

scammed.

Me, scammed?
(laughs)

That's impossible.

No one hornswoggles Abraham J...

S-I-M-P-S-O-N.

Social Security number:
327-00-3658.

First pet's name: Homer.

(gasps)

I've been hornswoggled.

ANNOUNCER:
You're watching
the Punt Zone channel.

It's nothing but punts.

Never miss another
exciting fair catch

or thrilling second
of hang time.

It's fourth and long,
here's the snap.

It's a fake punt!
Cut away! Cut away!

Guys, something happened
to Grampa.

I got bamboozled out of my money

by a flimflam artist.

It's not his fault.
Some scammer

convinced him I was in jail.

I'm so sorry, Grampa.

Um, uh, let me
go microwave your slippers.

I don't deserve warm toes.

I'm nothing but a feeble,
useless, old idjit.

No. You were just trying
to be a good grandparent.

And one bad apple
took advantage of you.

You got nothing
to feel bad about. (laughs)

Bart in jail? I would have
fallen for that, too.

I mean, how much money
could they have taken

from a retired,
old meatball man--

50 bucks plus a pocketful
of hard candies?

Here you go, Dad. I'll cover it.
What's the damage?

Ten thousand dollars!

(all gasp)

Where the hell
did you get that kind of money,

you broken-down
old meatball man?

It's 20 years
of my cribbage winnings,

saved up in a cigar box.

I was gonna leave it to you,
and now it's all gone.

(gasps)

No. No.

No!

I had an inheritance
and you gave it away?

I'm so mad I could kill you,

but now I'd get nothing.

I hope you live forever!

Now to read Abraham J. Simpson's

final will and testament.

To my surviving Homers,

I leave you $10,000

-that I never told you about...
-(giggles)

-Oh!
-Huh?
-Yeah?

...but then I lost it all
to a scam.

So, because I'm a moron,

I leave you nothing.

ALL:
D'oh!

Ten thousand dollars!

(exhales)
That dream again?

The money's gone, gone.

But how can you miss money
you never knew you had?

That's the worst part:
to find out got money,

but you lost money,
so you have it,

but you don't have it.

Oh, it's giving me whipcash.

(whimpers, grunts)

Just think of all the ways
my life could have been better

with that ten grand.

(moans): Oh.

So, uh, we're asking each family
to chip in $50

for a new
fundraising thermometer.

Oh, yeah, 50 bucks--
I would totally donate that

if my father hadn't

given away $10,000!

Um, it's just
a suggested amount.

Sure, ten grand might not
sound like much to you teachers,

but I choose inheriting $10,000

over earning a million.

And all of you
would do the same!

Homer, not here.

Because generational wealth
is the purest,

most sacred kind of money
there is.

But my father fell for
some super-obvious scam

because his brain is made of

powdered mashed potatoes.

So, no, I will not be donating.

(huffs)

-Oh...
-Marge, if I may, I-I dealt with
a similar situation

with my mother.
She got a phone call

claiming punk rockers were
threatening to cut my hair

into a Mohawk, which is
a distinctive hairstyle...

I know what it is.

This place got us through it.

Hmm.

This could be just what we need.

Oh, uh, sorry,
that's not for you to keep.

I don't get
many business cards.

Group therapy? In my day,
we dealt with horrible shame

by getting blind drunk,
stumbling into a hobo camp

and fighting their king.

Sometimes it worked,
sometimes it didn't.

Just give it a try, Abe.

It'll help to know
that you're not alone.

(chuckles)
Nice, Marge.

Making Dad sit through
a pathetic sob-fest

with his fellow losers
is the perfect punishment.

There's a group for you, too.

I... (grunts) wish I never voted
to build this community center.

(Marge grunts)

(sighs) I should have known
mortgage lenders

don't take
Applebee's gift cards.

He said if I didn't wire
the money to the power company,

they'd shut off my electricity.

I am the power company.

Catfished.
Ooh!

Now it seems so obvious

that I would never meet
the real Melissa Joan Hart

in a online billiards forum.

These criminals
target the good in all of us,

so the first step
is to take a deep breath

and forgive ourselves.

(all inhale, exhale)

My mother paid hackers to return
her stolen computer photos.

(groans) They weren't gone.
They were backed up

to the cloud, Dropbox,
Time Machine--

things of that nature.

Now, these are the things you
should never say to a victim.

"I would never
have fallen for that,"

"Everyone knows
about that scam,"

and "What were you thinking?"

I would have never
fallen for that!

Everyone knows about that scam!

What were you thinking?!

No, it wasn't my fault.

This group taught me
not to feel shame.

I'm on a path of healing
and self-empowerment.

You better not be.

Now, what do we say
to shamers like him?

ALL:
Shaming is blaming.

Yes, 100% agree!

(grunts)

How could you treat
Grampa like that?

You think you're so smart.
Do you really think

the same thing
wouldn't have happened to you?

Me? Impossible.

I'm too savvy.

This savvy!
See?

Dad, anyone can get scammed.
Even me.

I paid the bullies
for wedgie insurance.

But the minute
I got a wedgie, bam!

I got hit with a deductible--
another wedgie!

And my rates went up.

That's why I never get
any insurance.

I got an email
saying I qualified

for the Saxophone
Junior Olympics,

but when I clicked the link,
they hacked my phone

and stole
my Audible listener credits.

(laughs)

You clicked the link?
(laughing)

That's so...
Who clicks the link?

Even children are being scammed?

Well, maybe there's a few more
bad apples than I thought.

But I still have to believe
the barrel is mostly good.

Oh, Marge, how I envy
your sweet innocence.

The world is a blender full
of sharks set on extra teeth.

So you got to be like me--
always on guard

-so you're never a sucker.
-(doorbell rings)

Delivery for Homer Simpson.

Why'd you buy all these knives?

They're not knives.
They're the future of cutlery.

Put 'em in the garage
with the others.

Others?

-(gasps)
-Cutlife is a famous

multi-level marketing company.

Dad, you fell
for a pyramid scheme.

Scheme? No way.

They didn't even
want to let me join.

But, luckily, at the last
minute, a space opened up.

How many knives
have you even sold?

(laughs)
I don't sell them.

I engage opportunity handlers

to distributize them for me,

the expandibution manager.

It's all
part of Charles E. Cutlife's

three-dimensional
triangle system.

-Look!
-BART: Why can't Dad

ever get arrested in a suit?

Face it, genius:

you got scammed.

(sobs)
She's right. Everyone's right.

Don't look at my gullible face!
(sobs)

And so I consign to the flames

a monument to my own stupidity.

-No!
-(grunts)

Now, isn't there someone
you need to apologize to?

Maybe your father?

Yeah, you're right.

I said such horrible things
to him.

(gasps)

All that time
I was yelling at you,

it turns out I'm a sucker, too.

Will you forgive me, Dad?

Of course, son.
Hopefully, we've all

come out of this
a little more savvy.

(phone rings)

Hello?
Yes, this is a grandparent

of a boy or girl. Sure,
put him or her on the phone.

No!
Lisa's in jail!

Grampa, they're trying
to trick you again.

(gasps)
It's the same swindler.

He must think
I'm greedy for more.

(gasps)
I got an idea.

Grampa, you got to keep talking
so that guy stays on the phone.

Keep talking?

I've been preparing
for this moment

my entire life.

MAN:
Sir, look, if you don't

put up that bail money,
your granddaughter

will be spending the night
in the cooler.

-(crack)
-In my day, we didn't have
fancy coolers,

so everyone took turns blowing
on the meat to keep it fresh,

unless you hired a Dutch family
to blow on your food for you.

Breezies is what you'd call 'em.

(snoring)

(high-pitched gibberish plays,
stops)

MAN:
Sir, if you could just

give us your bank information...

GRAMPA:
It was quite the scandal
when a breezy

married a smusher--
those were the fellas you hired

to flatten your sandwiches
by sitting on 'em--

and the whole town came out
to throw tar...

Wow, that's some
quality prattle.

Okay, I've run all three hours
of the call

through open-source
audio software,

and the unique pattern
of church bells

and roller-coaster screams
pins the location to...

...ladies and gentlemen,
the address of the scammer.

Whoa, we could
get the money back.

It's not about the money.

I want to show that bad guy
the face of the old man

whose love and decency
he exploited.

Oh, honey, you have
a beautiful heart.

But make no mistake--

it is about the money!

♪ ♪

Kids, today you're gonna
learn an important lesson:

sometimes the sheep
get back their wool.

(scoffs) No, they don't.
They just grow more wool.

What are you, a shepherd?
Come on, Dad.

Let's go get
my eventual money back.

How are we gonna
get past the guard?

Aw, don't worry about that.

My friends can get us in.

That's the surgical precision
you only get

from the finest Idaho steel.

Amazing.
I'll take the full set.

Oh, you're not
buying the knives.

I could sell them?

No, you can sell other people
on selling them.

These knives sell
selling themselves themselves.

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime!

I'm gonna go tell my pregnant
wife about my new career.

Okay, Grampa,
we're gonna find that bad guy

and get you some justice.

(low overlapping chatter)

Uh, which one's the scammer?

They're all the scammer.

The IRS tax police
are on their way to your home,

but we'll accept immediate
payment in Fortnite V-bucks.

Oh, your Airbnb
is all ready to go, there.

I'm fluffing the towels
right now.

Fluff, fluff.

There's so many of them.

(clears throat)

You are all
in an unethical industry

and we have called
the authorities.

(panting)
Oh, man.

Another boiler room
of phone hucksters.

All right, scambags,
you know the drill:

you don't got to go home,
but you can't grift here.

-Come on.
-What?
-Really?

Aren't you going to arrest them?

Marge, you shut down
one of these,

five more
pop up in its place.

Phone fraud and
Halloween costumes for pets

are America's
only growth industries.

So they're just employees
doing this for a paycheck?

I wish we got paid in money.

All we get is minimum wage
and gift cards.

-Do you have my dad's money?
-No.

-Do you have my money?
-Nope.

Can I have $10,000?

BART'S VOICE:
Not gonna happen, dude.

Hey, you sound familiar.

Don't have a cow, man.

Is this what
we wanted to happen?

Okay, I know this seems bad,
but... but, uh...

Oh, come on, Mom, you always
see the good in everything.

Well, on the bright side,

if you look at it
a certain way...

there is no bright side!

The whole world is one big
criminal organization!

From hedge funds to payday loans
to the NCAA,

it's not just a few bad apples--

it's the whole orchard
that's rotten!

(grunts)

Whoa, gift cards!

Justice wasn't served,

but dinner is.

(groans)
I can't believe we ate

$500 worth of appetizers.

Revenge sliders
dipped in payback sauce.

Mmm.

Honey, you're not
sweating from overeating.

What's wrong?

These gift cards were obtained
by scamming innocent people.

So no, thank you.

You said it yourself--

everyone in the world
is ripping off everyone else.

Why shouldn't we wet our beaks?

Oh, you got to try
these fried beaks.

Dip the beak!
Dip the beak!

Well, it seems like
no one else has a problem

gorging on
ill-gotten appetizers.

Beak me.

(munching)

With that deep-fried morsel,

my victory is complete.

Uh, we're all seeing

the freak in the sandals, right?
(burps)

Yes, but this can't be real.

We probably just ate too many
wasabi mac and cheese balls.

Silence, you mewling wretches,

for I am Loki, god of mischief.

But I am known by many names

and take many forms.

Buy crypto, suckers!

And my handiwork of deception

is woven into the fabric
of the universe.

From the Ticketmaster
convenience fee

to the NCAA.

Oh, lord of appetizers,
I kneel before you.

Who shall I smother with ranch
in your name?

Well, Loki, you've already
taken an old man's life savings.

What more do you want?

I have come here to...

'Zerz...

to take my prize:

an honest woman's belief
in the good of mankind.

And now, as the old laws demand,

I must bestow
upon the vanquished a kiss.

Mwah.

Ha-ha!
There are no old laws.

God of mischief does it again!

Now, off to add
more blackout dates

to Disneyland annual passes.

(giggles)

Suckers.

Whoa, that was weird.

Should we get the rest to go?

Excuse me, I'm out of gas

and left my wallet at home.

Would you lend me $20?

I'll mail it back to you,
I promise.

Uh, I'm sorry,
but that is an obvious scam.

Uh, go find another sucker.

Is this it-- from now on,
I live in a world

where nobody trusts anybody?

No, not me.

Here's $20 and my address.

I trust that
you'll mail me the money.

(sighs)

(gasps)
I knew it!

Maybe you're right, baby.

There still are some
good people out there.

In your face, god of scams!

(whistles tune)

Well, I'm out another 20 bucks,

but I gave them
something to believe in.

(laughs)
Suckers.

Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

And FORD.
We go further, so you can.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

Your Social Security number
has been compromised.

Please give us
your Social Security number

so we can keep it safe.

I met my billionaire boyfriend
on Billionaire Match.

Match with billions
of billionaires

for only $4.95 a month.

If you or your family have used
toilet paper in the last year,

you can join us
in a class action lawsuit.

We have found
nude photos of you.

If you want these removed
and/or touched up,

please press 1 now.

This is Jerry
down at whatever bank you use.

We lost your PIN number.

Can you send it to us?

Shh!