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1
00:00:05,048 --> 00:00:06,702
- Margot!
2
00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:08,878
- Dare me to dive
into these sharp rocks?
3
00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:10,097
- Hell yes!
4
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,141
- I heard sharp
rocks don't exist!
5
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,534
- Sharp rocks are a hoax
6
00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:13,665
invented
by the Chinese dude.
7
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,493
- [ Screams ]
[ Body thuds ]
8
00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:21,847
[ Baby crying ]
9
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:26,548
- ♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪
10
00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:29,725
♪ Some of my devils
up and left me free ♪
11
00:00:29,768 --> 00:00:31,509
♪ To find a quiet space
12
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:33,468
♪ I'm not as out of place
13
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:37,080
♪ And I'm coming home again
14
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:41,867
♪ It's been too long a time
gettin' back what's mine ♪
15
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:46,655
♪ And I can't remember why
I went away ♪
16
00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:50,702
♪ But it's lookin' now
like maybe I can stay ♪
17
00:00:50,746 --> 00:00:53,314
Is that any good?
18
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:58,362
[ Air horn blows,
cheering ]
19
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,624
- Wow, Baba.
20
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,017
Spring break
is always lucrative,
21
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,150
but this might be
our busiest season yet.
22
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:04,542
- Yes, my grandchild.
23
00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,936
The co-eds are dropping
like flies.
24
00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:09,286
If flies had alcohol poisoning
25
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,767
and fatal water-sports
accidents.
26
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:15,118
- Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!
27
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,555
- Kyle died like he lived.
28
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,688
Playing jet ski beer pong.
29
00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:20,819
[ Sniffles ]
30
00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:22,256
Stay swole, bro.
31
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:24,171
- Stay swole!
32
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:27,130
- How much extra to add honey
to the slide n' slip?
33
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:28,784
- $5 Flori-dollars a head.
34
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:31,482
- I think Kyle would have
wanted it that way.
35
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,136
Weeeee!
36
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,616
- Hey, party boy!
37
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:37,662
I waxed my pubes in the shape
of a solo cup.
38
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:38,924
Wanna sip?
39
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,230
- No thank you, ma'am.
40
00:01:40,274 --> 00:01:41,797
- Ma'am?!
41
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,538
Annie, I need you to cover
my forehead
42
00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:45,148
with the curtain of youth.
- No!
43
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:46,454
Don't attempt home bangs;
44
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,369
the potential
for trauma's too high.
45
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,328
Baba trimmed my bangs when I was
and Child Protective Services
46
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:54,157
made me live in a group home
for months till they grew back.
47
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,768
- So Baba's willing to do it?
Thanks.
48
00:01:56,812 --> 00:02:00,511
Annie tells me you can make my
forehead go from here to here.
49
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,034
Got a minute?
- [ Sighs ]
50
00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:04,559
Okay, daughter, but bangs
on woman your age
51
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:07,344
is very shameful cry for help.
52
00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:10,042
- What's Baba doing?
- Trophy wanted bangs.
53
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:11,522
- [ Gasps ]
54
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,829
- [ Shrieks ]
What did you do!
55
00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:17,180
My forehead is big enough
to have its own ass!
56
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:18,660
- Relax, it grow back.
57
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,401
Three months.
Value haircut.
58
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:23,491
- You did this on purpose
to ruin my Spring Break.
59
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:27,930
You just love screwing things
up for me, don't you old woman?!
60
00:02:27,973 --> 00:02:30,933
- Stay still,
desperately vain corpse.
61
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,717
Baba fix.
62
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:37,896
- 911. Yes, I'd like to report
a child being abused
63
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,509
by a non-maternal crone-like
foreign woman.
64
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:44,468
Yes, the child is
a very youthful 33.
65
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:50,387
- 911, my pathetic, promiscuous
daughter is elder abusing me.
66
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868
Send your most sadistic
cop ASAP.
67
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:54,174
They all sadistic?
68
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,872
Choose the one
in least-happy marriage.
69
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,308
[ Siren wails ]
70
00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:00,136
- SXPD! Freeze!
[ People gasps ]
71
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,704
Pardon the interruption folks,
we received two calls
72
00:03:02,747 --> 00:03:04,488
from suspected white women
in distress,
73
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,621
so we're gonna need you all
to line up right quick
74
00:03:06,664 --> 00:03:09,754
according to immigration status
and bra size...
75
00:03:09,798 --> 00:03:11,016
- Hold on.
76
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,062
I'm seeing the bangs
of a psychopath.
77
00:03:13,105 --> 00:03:15,151
Must be our perp.
Cuff her, Monotonee.
78
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,979
- No, I'm the victim!
79
00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:20,896
You're looking for illegal-alien
Edward Scissorhands over there!
80
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,506
- Let's see what forensics
say, ma'am.
81
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,247
Hold out your hands.
82
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:27,119
- But I also victim!
- Sorry, ma'am.
83
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,251
[ Beeping ]
84
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:29,644
Officer Infinitee,
85
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,123
she's coming
up positive
86
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,038
as an accessory
to this bang trim.
87
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,084
- You made me ugly on purpose!
88
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:38,522
If I had a hot daughter,
I'd never do this to her!
89
00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,481
- Yeah, well, if you
had stronger chin
90
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,526
you'd look quirky and carefree!
91
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,311
[ Both grunting ]
92
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:45,921
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
93
00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:47,270
Watch the bangs!
94
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:50,708
- That's it!
You're both under arrest!
95
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,057
[ Handcuffs click ]
96
00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:54,016
[ Siren wailing ]
97
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,018
- Who wants to wrestle in jello
98
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:58,325
as a tribute
to the recently deceased?!
99
00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:00,718
[ Cheering ]
100
00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:02,981
♪♪
101
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,331
- Step forward.
102
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:06,811
Baba and Trophy Fantasy
Felony Coiffe.
103
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:09,205
- She's the true offender,
your Honogram.
104
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,339
These bangs make my face
look like it's sandwiched
105
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:13,818
between two necks!
106
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:15,733
Make her pay
for what she's done!
107
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,126
- It does look
like your forehead's
108
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,258
trying to climb out a window.
109
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:19,694
Mm, mm, mm.
Proceed.
110
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:21,173
- She's armed and dangerous,
111
00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:23,480
and what's more,
she's undocumented!
112
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:27,179
I'm her daughter, and I don't
even know where she's from.
113
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:30,052
- I have told you many times!
Old Country!
114
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,185
- Okay, Grandma, your turn.
- Sir. [ Clears throat ]
115
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:37,755
My ungrateful daughter request
hair management service and Baba
116
00:04:37,799 --> 00:04:40,367
do cost-effective, timely job.
117
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,630
I should get paycheck, not jail!
118
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:44,240
- [ Screams ]
119
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,069
[ Both grunting ]
120
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:48,940
- [ Hisses ]
121
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:50,942
- I think these are yours.
- Lemme get this straight.
122
00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:53,336
You called the cops
over a bad haircut?
123
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,337
- Bang trim!
- Bang trim!
124
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,817
- Trophy, Baba,
125
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,775
due to your penchant for drama
and your ability
126
00:04:57,819 --> 00:05:00,169
to read a bitch,
I hereby sentence you both
127
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:02,954
to be contestants on our new
spring break TV show:
128
00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:04,347
"Top Felon."
129
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,828
Hope you enjoy that bang,
ladies!
130
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,308
[ Panicking ]
131
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:11,398
Girl, I am freaking out
without Baba here.
132
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:15,793
How do you stay so eerily calm?
133
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:18,448
Annie?
- It's easy, Uncle Pete.
134
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:20,755
I just distance myself
from my emotions.
135
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,496
It's a self soothing technique
I've been doing
136
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,541
since Trophy
abandoned me as a newborn.
137
00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:26,195
- I think your re-abandonment
138
00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,371
has caused you
to totally lock up.
139
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,982
You have to embrace
your feelings.
140
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:34,682
Especially if they're painful!
141
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:38,903
- I am feeling like I don't
like you doing that.
142
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,079
- Hmmm.
I don't taste a thing.
143
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,038
Annie, to fix this rigidity,
144
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:46,520
you'll have to have
a big emotional release.
145
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:49,392
- But...I'm fine like this.
146
00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:50,828
- Whoopsie.
147
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,569
Let me help you, Annie.
148
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:55,746
I happen to be a professional
grief processor.
149
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,182
Watch.
- [ Sobbing ]
150
00:05:57,226 --> 00:06:00,098
- Let's see what we're dealing
with here.
151
00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:03,841
Acidic. Notes of FOMO
with a finish of self-pity.
152
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:07,018
These are the tears of sorrow
that you won't have access
153
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,064
to Kyle's beach house anymore.
Huh?
154
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,762
- His hot tub had a strobe light!
155
00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:16,114
I'm gonna miss it so much --
him, so much.
156
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:19,335
It, him, it, him...
157
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,858
It him it him it him!
- Wow!
158
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,425
How did you know that?
159
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,296
- Just a simple tear-tasting.
160
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:27,691
I've expanded my empathy
receptors and refined my palate
161
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:31,173
to the point that I can detect
exactly what someone's feeling.
162
00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:34,176
- Like a sommelier
but for feelings.
163
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,613
- When someone needs to cry,
the brain first sends a signal
164
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:39,442
to the tear scrotum,
causing tears to brew.
165
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:44,012
Next, the tears get steeped in
emotion, forming their flavors.
166
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:46,536
The most pungent feelings
are set aside in reserve
167
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:47,798
to be barrel-aged.
168
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,453
These are known as "old wounds."
169
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:53,848
But most tears get quickly
eye-jaculated onto the face.
170
00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:57,286
I think if we can teach you
to taste these simple feelings,
171
00:06:57,329 --> 00:07:00,637
it might help you begin to
process your abandonment issues!
172
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:03,684
- Then will I be able
to experience human connection?
173
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:06,295
And eventually maybe
even play tennis?
174
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,602
- Mmmm, baby steps.
175
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:14,825
♪♪
176
00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:17,175
- And now let's
bring out our host.
177
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,699
You know him from his hit single
178
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:21,528
"Let Me Knock You Up
At Sea World", old dirty
179
00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:24,705
Broward County himself,
your big Flori-daddy
180
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:28,143
and the governor of the
franchise territory of Florida,
181
00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,537
Little Flor-Ida!
182
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:34,149
- Awww shit, y'all,
welcome to TF!
183
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,890
The show where spring
break's sexiest,
184
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,893
wildest lawbreakers compete
for a chance to be pardoned!
185
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:40,634
By who? By me!
186
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:43,114
One lucky felon can get back
to spring breaking.
187
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:45,290
The rest will be sent
to prison labor camps
188
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:48,946
stuffing them little cotton
balls into bottles of medicine.
189
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:52,515
Thanks to last year's losers,
them hoes is still fresh.
190
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:55,779
Now let's meet our felons!
191
00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:58,173
Meet Daiquari!
192
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,654
- I'm here to make bail,
not to make friends.
193
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,438
But I'm also open
to making friends.
194
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,048
Memories are important.
195
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,094
- We got Orange!
196
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:09,706
- I'm juicy. And toxic to certain
breeds of dogs.
197
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,055
German Shepherds...
198
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,057
yellow labs...and pugs.
199
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,625
I killed a pug.
She was so cute though.
200
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,932
- Let's meet Jacuzzi!
201
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:21,239
- My parole officer said this
is my last shot,
202
00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:23,503
so I'm not gonna waste it.
203
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:25,505
[ Retches ]
204
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,160
- This hoe's not so fresh.
205
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:30,422
Trophy!
206
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:33,425
- I'm dead inside and out!
207
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:37,038
- And finally, Baba!
- Need funeral?
208
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,867
We can do tie-dye coffin,
ombre coffin, glitter coffin...
209
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:43,087
Get 20% off tender endings
with discount code
210
00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:45,263
Trophy bad daughter.
211
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:47,788
- Stay tuned as these
ladies face off
212
00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,485
in their first challenge,
213
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,053
right after these trade
school commercials!
214
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:57,493
- We'll start with my basic
tear collection.
215
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,277
These are your most
common flavors:
216
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:02,237
your "sads," your "afraids",
your "alones."
217
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,282
I keep my most valuable tears
218
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,894
in a safe deposit box
down at the bank.
219
00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:09,853
You can try those once
you've gotten the hang of it.
220
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:12,943
Here, try one and tell me
what feeling you taste.
221
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:15,076
- Where did you get these?
222
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,034
- Luckily you can't
taste that part.
223
00:09:17,078 --> 00:09:20,211
Go on, just tell me what
the tear says to your tongue.
224
00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:22,736
There are no wrong answers.
- Okay.
225
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,172
Um. Pepper?
226
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,391
- Pepper's not a feeling,
sweetie.
227
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,655
These are tears of a bride
left at the altar.
228
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,918
Just relax.
Who do these belong to?
229
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,616
- Um, a retiree?
230
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,052
- A baby.
- Oh, right.
231
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,881
A baby...who's hungry?
- No!
232
00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:40,231
A baby who saw a balloon
and now doesn't
233
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,233
see a balloon
and wonders where it went!
234
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:44,192
"Hungry"?
Jesus Christ.
235
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,934
- Sorry.
- Okay, alright, here.
236
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:50,111
This one is impossible
to get wrong.
237
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:51,852
- You're right.
I know this one!
238
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:53,767
A kid who got bulled
on their first day of school?
239
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,507
- Are you kidding me?!
240
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:58,641
It's a kid who got bullied
on their last day of school
241
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:02,645
after being
really popular all year!
242
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:06,518
What kind of freak
are you to not get that!
243
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:09,521
- Maybe I can't taste tears
because I can't make them.
244
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,175
Sometimes I think
I'm going to cry,
245
00:10:11,219 --> 00:10:14,831
but then tiny salt cubes
come out instead.
246
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:16,746
- Huh. I guess you're that
kind of freak.
247
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,966
- My whole life I've only shed
a single tear,
248
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:21,011
and it was over mom's corpse,
right before she got struck
249
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,622
by lightning and reanimated.
250
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:25,102
- Damn,
that's one powerful tear.
251
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:26,756
When you start weeping,
we're gonna have
252
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,367
a real downpour
of distress on our hands.
253
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:32,806
It might even turn into
a heartache hurricane.
254
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:35,330
Uh-huh, follow me!
255
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,116
[Air horn blaring]
256
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,379
- At least admit it's your fault
we're in here,
257
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,686
then I can get back
to a more sustainable level
258
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,122
of hatred for you.
259
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,472
- Everyone in Old Country say,
"Oh, Baba,
260
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:50,693
you never go to labor camp,
you good gymnast.
261
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:54,218
Your body strong,
you have good babies."
262
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:57,482
But no! Turns out I have
low-rent tacky baby
263
00:10:57,526 --> 00:11:00,921
who can't pull off
high fashion haircut.
264
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:03,140
- Felons!
For challenge #1,
265
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,316
you'll each need to climb
your stripper pole
266
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,753
covered in baby oil,
267
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,798
grab the beach ball
hanging from the top,
268
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:10,495
and toss it into the kiddie pool
269
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:13,063
filled with Robitussin
and Monster Energy.
270
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,457
- But watch out: as you make
your way to the top,
271
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,893
you'll need to avoid
the drunk tourists
272
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,416
throwing handfuls
of coins at you.
273
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,983
- Listen to DJ D.O.J., ladies!
274
00:11:20,027 --> 00:11:21,332
The nickels hurt the most.
275
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,118
Now on your mark, get set, ho!
276
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:25,815
[ Air horn blares ]
277
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:28,775
Oooh, it's a miss!
278
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,515
Gonna have to try it again.
279
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:32,735
[ Screams ]
280
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:35,172
- Death powers!
281
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:38,959
- Um, I don't know who needs
to hear this,
282
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:41,788
but old girl's pole
is a pile of bugs.
283
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:44,747
- [ Grunting ]
284
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:48,490
- Climbing fast for
single mother with bad haircut!
285
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:53,364
- Ahh! My bangs look like
a scarecrow made of dog fur!
286
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:55,497
[ Screams ]
287
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:57,542
- [ Grunts ]
288
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,719
[ Air horn blares ]
289
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,765
- Baba!
That floppy chest is prehensile!
290
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:05,725
Tell us how you did it!
- Lots of sauerkraut.
291
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,465
Fermentation is fitness.
292
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,119
[ Grunting ]
293
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:13,384
- Now, I'm going to show you
some familiar items
294
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:17,127
that should produce
a strong emotional response.
295
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:18,781
- Flopsie the bear!
296
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,479
Trophy left her in my crib
when she abandoned me.
297
00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,264
- Right.
298
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:26,702
But what if I told you that Baba
and I actually won this
299
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,965
at a claw machine
outside of a hockey rink
300
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,446
and made up that story
about Trophy?
301
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:34,275
- I'd -- I'd be completely
fine with that.
302
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:37,234
- Interesting.
No tears or moisture build-up.
303
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,759
Okay, how about this?
304
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:42,283
- That's the tiara Baba won
at the "Most Stern Woman"
305
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,850
contest from the old country.
306
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:46,678
She passed it down to me.
- Exactly.
307
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:50,987
But what if I told you Baba
and I actually won this
308
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:53,120
at a claw machine
outside a hockey rink?
309
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:56,688
And that Baba would never part
with her real prized tiara
310
00:12:56,732 --> 00:13:00,518
that she hasn't even let me see
except in photographs?
311
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,563
- Totally fine.
312
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,783
Totally fine.
- Hmm.
313
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:06,437
Okay, here's a video from
your tenth birthday party.
314
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,700
♪♪
315
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:12,182
Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry!
316
00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:15,098
Aw.
What are you doing?
317
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,709
- The school therapist calls
it Turtle-ing?
318
00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:19,668
They're still looking
for a cure.
319
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:22,279
- The cure is crying, Annie!
320
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:24,412
I know what'll get those
peeper pipes flowin':
321
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:26,806
let's take a tear-school
field trip!
322
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,157
- Over the break,
each of our felons
323
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,767
chugged enough malt liquor
324
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:35,640
to get their blood alcohol
level over .15.
325
00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:38,034
Now they've gotta talk their way
out of a DUI.
326
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:40,341
I wanna see that.
You wanna see that?
327
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:43,083
Let's go!
[ Siren wails ]
328
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:44,606
- Hi, officer.
329
00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,390
I guess I didn't notice
I was speeding cause
330
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:50,046
I can't see the odometer
over these big boobies!
331
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:51,874
Do you see them?
332
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,529
[ Ding! ]
333
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:55,965
- Mr. Officer, could you put
334
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:57,314
a little something
at the end of the line?
335
00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:59,186
I tend to be
pretty goal-oriented.
336
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,275
- Uh, sure. Here.
337
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,103
- Ooh, I love keys!
338
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:04,626
That's super helpful.
339
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,889
[ Ding! ]
340
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:10,153
- You know what really
makes me puke, officer?
341
00:14:10,197 --> 00:14:11,676
People who drink and drive.
342
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,809
Just the thought of them
really makes me...
343
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,596
[ Buzzer, siren wails ]
344
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,555
- Do you know why I pulled you
over today, ma'am?
345
00:14:20,598 --> 00:14:23,427
- No.
Baba excellent driver.
346
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:24,776
- Then you won't mind
trying to say
347
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,213
the alphabet backwards for me?
348
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,257
- Not problem.
349
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,912
Z. Y.
350
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,088
- And then what?
- Puerto Rico?
351
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:33,960
- Alright, you're under arrest,
Baba.
352
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,092
[ Buzzer, siren wails ]
353
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,529
- This is all your fault,
just like my inability
354
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:40,183
to tolerate intimacy!
355
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:43,404
- Baba's conscience
is like forehead: clear!
356
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,232
- Two down, two to go.
357
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:48,322
Stay tuned for our speed round,
where our final contestants
358
00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:51,847
take amphetamines
and fold pizza boxes!
359
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,457
[ Ducks quacking ]
360
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,155
- I can't swim
either Uncle Pete.
361
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,461
Trophy said she'd teach me
once scientists develop
362
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:59,463
a bathing suit
that flatters my body type.
363
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:02,031
- Someday, Annie.
But stay focused.
364
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:06,470
Whenever I really need
a good cry, I come here.
365
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,559
- Aw.
A duck funeral.
366
00:15:08,603 --> 00:15:10,648
That is sad.
- Not that, Annie.
367
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,302
Ducks die like everyone else.
368
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,957
Get used to it!
Look over there.
369
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:18,265
That duck is the one in charge
of arranging the funeral,
370
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,484
and his mother is telling him...
371
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,660
what a good job he did.
372
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,663
[ Sobbing ]
- I understand.
373
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:28,666
That makes you sad because
you wish Baba praised you more.
374
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,755
- What? No, Annie!
375
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:34,324
It makes me sad because I've
always wanted a corkscrew penis!
376
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:37,110
How do you keep missing
the point so badly!
377
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:39,677
- I told you I'm a lost cause.
[ Ducks quacking ]
378
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,071
Thanks for showing me
this world of ducks, though.
379
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:45,292
- [ Sighs ] I was hoping I
wouldn't need to resort to this,
380
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:47,685
but you have left me no choice.
381
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,252
Back in the hearse!
382
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:54,170
♪♪
383
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,824
- [ Grunts ]
[ Whistle blows ]
384
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,695
- Cotton balls down, ladies!
385
00:15:57,739 --> 00:16:00,133
Please take your spots
in the share circle.
386
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,873
It's time for court ordered
group therapy
387
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:05,007
with our new vacuum
slash facilitator, Elizabeth.
388
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:08,184
- Okay, focus, everyone, focus.
389
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:12,884
Today I want to talk about
why you're all here.
390
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,538
- I am here because of her.
391
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:17,280
She gave me these bangs to ruin
my spring break,
392
00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,674
my life and my face.
393
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,894
She made me look like
a hamburger without a bun.
394
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:25,897
You missed a spot.
- Girl, I can relate to that.
395
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:27,334
The bad bang trim my mom
396
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:29,379
gave me put my self-esteem
in the toilet.
397
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:32,034
And that led to drug use,
prostitution,
398
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,863
and becoming an op-ed writer
for the Washington Post.
399
00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:37,692
- Yeah, I was a prep-school
honors student
400
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,868
until my step-mom
cut my bangs the night
401
00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:41,565
before my Princeton interview.
402
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:46,266
After that rejection, I figured,
why not inject meth?
403
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,529
- My old boss grabbed
a pair of scissors
404
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:50,052
when I was strangling her.
405
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,055
I thought she was going to
stab me in self-defense,
406
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:56,058
but instead...she did this.
407
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:58,452
It would've been kinder
to kill me.
408
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:03,979
- Baba, how do you feel hearing
everyone play the blame game?
409
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,373
- Hm? [ Sighs ]
410
00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:12,161
One harsh winter when
I little girl, it was big day.
411
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:17,688
Papa finally come home
after 10 year in labor camp.
412
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:20,604
Baba want to look special
so I beg
413
00:17:20,648 --> 00:17:23,042
Momushka for cute bangs.
414
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,957
She not want to, but I insist.
415
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:28,351
When Papa come home...
416
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,484
- [ Groans ]
417
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:33,704
- ...he take one look at me...
418
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:34,879
- [ Screams ]
419
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,359
- ...and flee.
420
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:40,668
I never see my Papa again.
421
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:42,887
- I feel that.
- It's so sad.
422
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,106
- It's so relatable.
423
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,542
- My mother also whore.
424
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,978
May have been that.
425
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:50,460
- Yes, this cycle
of intergenerational trauma
426
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,332
and all
its manifestation --
427
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:56,075
chunky bangs, piecey bangs,
feathery bangs --
428
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:59,687
can only stop when we begin
taking responsibility
429
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:02,472
for our own bad hair choices!
430
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,779
- You heard her.
It's all your fault.
431
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:07,086
- But you still pretty to me.
432
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,392
Hair grow back in time,
like your forgiveness.
433
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:14,267
- Well, I hear Baba seeking to
repair your connection, Trophy.
434
00:18:14,310 --> 00:18:18,097
Can you name something
about Baba that you appreciate?
435
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,752
- Well, she has taught me a lot
about how to deflect blame.
436
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,406
And that's -- that's
come in handy.
437
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,147
- My stubborn girl.
438
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,757
- Mama! [ Sobbing ]
439
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:29,847
- This my daughter!
440
00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:32,502
- Well, that is lovely.
441
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:35,026
End session 21942.
442
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:38,029
♪♪
443
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:39,683
- Annie, welcome to Tear Club.
444
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:41,468
No one gets out dry.
445
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,426
Meet Sad Sal and Weepy Willy.
446
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,646
They're what's known
as ultra-criers.
447
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,170
They specialize
in tear stimulation.
448
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,650
- Nice to meet you.
449
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,435
- Wah.
- Wah wah.
450
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:56,570
- See, the boys here, they're
gonna prime my deep-down tears.
451
00:18:56,613 --> 00:18:58,920
One taste of this emotional
concentrate
452
00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:02,141
will either bust open
your floodgates or kill us all.
453
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,838
Pump me!
- [ Grunting ]
454
00:19:03,881 --> 00:19:05,622
- [ Sobbing ]
455
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:09,670
♪♪
456
00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:11,541
Here it comes, Annie!
457
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:13,587
- I hope you know how to swim!
458
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:15,937
- Huh.
- Oh, no!
459
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:18,331
Can you taste it Annie?!
Can you taste it Annie?!
460
00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,071
- Oh, my gosh.
461
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,248
I can taste your pain!
462
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,163
Your first day of school,
when you realized
463
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,295
Baba wouldn't be your teacher!
464
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:30,995
That time at mortician college
when Baba stood you up for prom!
465
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:33,694
That Christmas when
Baba didn't buy presents,
466
00:19:33,737 --> 00:19:37,959
so you pretended you'd asked
Santa for a niece named Annie.
467
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:40,614
[ Machine beeping ]
468
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,833
- Do you feel anything yet?
469
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:45,749
- I don't think so.
470
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:49,797
Wait.
W-W-What's going on?
471
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,365
What's happening to me?
- Stand back!
472
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:55,933
- She's about to eye-jaculate
for the very first time!
473
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,239
- Help! Help!
474
00:19:57,283 --> 00:20:01,025
- Well, hey, new mommy.
475
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:03,767
Says here you named
her Euthanasia.
476
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:06,857
Is that correct?
- Uh, yeah.
477
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:10,252
Because she makes me want to
put myself out of my misery!
478
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,951
Can I get some more painkillers?
- [ Sobs ]
479
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:16,650
- Why don't I get a bottle
filled with milk?!
480
00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:20,480
Why does Annie get
everything she wants?!
481
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:23,744
- There, everybody happy.
- Ah, help!
482
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:26,268
Before I was the girl
with a runaway mom,
483
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:29,010
but now I'm gonna be the girl
with the dead runaway mom!
484
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:30,968
I wish you never came back!
485
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:33,319
♪♪
486
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,495
- [ Screaming ]
- Watch out!
487
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,192
- Salty!
488
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,020
- It burns!
489
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:41,675
- [ Sobbing ]
490
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,851
[ All screaming ]
491
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:50,423
♪♪
492
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,816
[ Sobbing stops ]
493
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,253
Oh.
494
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:58,387
I feel, I feel so --
so...
495
00:20:58,431 --> 00:20:59,910
thirsty.
496
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:03,174
Hey, I can cry!
497
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:06,221
And fully swivel
my rotator cuff!
498
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,745
Thanks, Uncle Pete!
You fixed me!
499
00:21:08,789 --> 00:21:12,488
- Annie, the force of your sorrow
is too powerful.
500
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:13,924
I never thought
I'd say this,
501
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:15,970
but maybe when
it comes to crying,
502
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:19,190
just because you can
doesn't mean you should.
503
00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:21,976
- Kinda like how they brought
back the dinosaurs
504
00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:23,325
in Jurassic Park.
505
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:25,675
- Never again!
506
00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:27,938
Never! Cry! Again!
Little girl.
507
00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:29,200
[ Door slams ]
508
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,941
- He's right, Annie.
- Of course.
509
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:34,641
Haha. It was silly of me to take
up space with my emotions.
510
00:21:34,684 --> 00:21:37,339
- Yeah, and pretty messy, too!
511
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,863
Now, since, Baba and Trophy
don't get out of jail
512
00:21:39,907 --> 00:21:44,128
for another week, who's down
for a half-price slide and slip?
513
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:46,348
- Over here.
[ Should creaks ]
514
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,350
But I might need a push.
515
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:50,831
- ♪ You say you cut your bangs
516
00:21:50,874 --> 00:21:53,877
♪ I'm calling your bluff
517
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:58,926
♪ When you lie to me,
it's in the small stuff ♪
518
00:21:58,969 --> 00:22:01,755
♪ You say you cut your bangs
519
00:22:01,798 --> 00:22:04,540
♪ I'm calling your bluff
520
00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:09,240
♪ When you lie to me,
it's in the small stuff ♪
521
00:22:09,290 --> 00:22:13,840
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