All language subtitles for Doom Patrol S03E04I

♪ I was born in Houston ♪

♪ Life was full and good ♪

♪ Got a yen to travel ♪

♪ No one understood ♪

♪ Took my things
And said goodbye ♪

♪ Left my family ♪

Don't you look
pretty as a picture?

♪ On my own in Seattle ♪

♪ City by the sea ♪

♪ There, a lovely woman ♪

♪ Gave her love to me... ♪

She-ma yisrael adonai eloheinu,
adonai echad.

What's going on?
Where am I?

Morning, sunshine.

Willoughby?
What have you done?

Would you believe
I just fancied a chat
with an old friend?

Hardly.

Well, before you get
all holier-than-thou,

if the tables were turned,
you'd have done the same thing.

Rabbi Loew
animated his creature

to protect his people
from slaughter.

I doubt you have such
lofty intentions for me.

That hurts my feelings.

I've got loads of
important shit for us to do.

And old friends to see.

Dear God, poor Niles!

Whatever has
happened to you?

Baphomet.

Hello, love.

I'm perfectly well.
Just lost a little weight,
that's all.

How are you?

-I--
- Well, that's great!

Listen, can I ask you
something, head to head?

What do you think of my pal,
Willoughby?

Is he the kind of chap you see
yourself settling down with?

Willy, how could
you do this dreadful thing
to your friend?

Whatever do you mean?

I think I look top shelf.

I have no interest
in these baby games.

Don't summon me again
unless you decide to grow up.

Baby, wait!

Fuck!

I'm sorry, Willoughby,

but that was pathetic,
even for you--

Wrong room, dickhead.

Oh, fuck me.

So, are you gonna
tell us who you are

or does someone need to jam
a foot up your pee-hole?

Oh! Aren't you charming?
Now, would you mind telling me,

when are you expecting
Niles Caulder back?

-Well--
-Look, lady.

-You're in our house...
-Mmm-hmm.

-...wearing our clothes
and drinking our tea.
-Yeah.

Now, answer our questions.

Then maybe we could
talk about Niles.

-How were you made?
-Excuse me?

Is that aluminum?
You know, how does it...
How does it stick to your face?

Uh, that is his face.

That is his face!
Wow, okay.

-Stop doing that!
-Okay, in a minute. Whoa!

-It's fascinating.
-How long have you been
in our house?

Well, long enough
to see Bandages over here

play dress-up
with your dead bodies.

- No!
- The fuck?

I was at a low point
and wasn't making
great decisions, okay?

Okay, tell me, why are you all
scratching like circus animals?

Your name, now. Or I'm
dragging your ass out of here.

Okay, well...
I'm not being coy. Um...

The truth is,
I can't remember.

-Why are you looking for Chief?
-Can't remember that either.

But when I think of him,

I am filled with
an overwhelming
and immediate urge

to punch him in the face.

-That's him.
-Yup.

-Word.
-Sounds about right.

But here's what I do know.

I seem to have traveled here
via a sort of
a time-travel capsule.

Ugh...

As a result, I have a moderate
to more-than-moderate degree
of memory loss.

And that I need to find
a certain Niles Caulder.

Bullshit!

There's no such thing
as time travel.

'Cause if there was,
a certain sixth grade assbag
named Jimmy Decker

would've never pulled
my pants down in assembly.

And I never would've had
the nickname "Cheeto Dick"
for six years.

That's what you would
go back in time and fix?

Fuck yeah! But like I said,
time travel doesn't exist.

You were saying?

What year
did you come from?

Um...

If you saw us dead,
that means that you were here
at least since yesterday.

-Hey, Rita?
-Hmm?

When did your super-secret
alarm thing go off?

Uh, the day before we went to
Codsville, I think, ahem.

Which you
completely ignored.

Well,
the important thing is...
Oh, shut up.

She's here now,
isn't she?

Right, yes. And now
it's time for you all
to answer my questions,

starting with,
"Where is Niles Caulder?"

He's deader than shit.
God damn,
I love saying that.

I see. How long?

About two weeks.

Two weeks. Right.

Well, then I shall just
time-travel back to then.

Then. You can do that?
And actually talk to him?

It's a time machine, dear.
So I can, you know, travel back

and have a wee chat
with Adam and Eve,
if I want to.

Mmm, I don't know.
Things were a little hairy
around here two weeks ago.

Kaiju candle-demon on
the loose. You might wanna
go back a little further.

Right. Well, I shall
go back three weeks, then.

Ooh, yeah.

This place was lousy
with sex ghosts around then.
I don't recommend it.

-True.
- That's right.

-Well, four weeks?
- No, no, no.

Okay. Well, how about five?

- Hell, no.

Seven? What about seven?
Give me seven.

Anyone for seven?
You want to give me seven?

-Seven, anybody?
-I think you're good.

Good, all righty.
Bon voyage!

Send Chief our love.

Tell him I said...
He'll know what it means.

Okay, well, this is goodbye
and has been a truly
infuriating experience.

And I only hope that
in your time of need,
you will be met one day

with the same ineptitude
and uselessness which
you have shown me here today.

So, I bid you adieu.

- Peace. God.

Come on, come on.
Let's go.

Come on, come on.

Who's good with machines?

Lady, I only knew time travel
existed ten minutes ago.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Thank you.

I can't fix your machine.

No. Well, not with
that attitude, you can't.

What about Cliff?

He knows everything
about fixing cars.

Oh, I know more than
everything. Thing is, I don't
give a shit about any of this.

So you kids have a party.
I'm out of here.

Wait. We're just gonna
let some crazy lady
stay in our house

and put her crazy lady fingers
on all our stuff?

Because there's nothing weird
about some nutball
traveling through time

to see Chief?

- Yup.
- Pretty much, yeah.

We've got our own crap
to take care of, remember?

We agreed to get help
with our shit?

-You were serious about that?
-Yup. You should be too.

Well, you should
mind your own fucking business.

Okay, right. Um, you.
Take me to this secret alarm.

I would like to
have a look at it.

-I would be happy--
-No.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Shall we?

Okay. Well, I'll be back to
check on your work later.

Oh, I'm not...

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Well, first, my leg
started fucking up.

Then my hands started
shaking like fucking Jell-O.

I thought that it was just
shitty craftsmanship

by the shitty scientist
that built my body.

But then my buddy Cyborg
scanned my shit and said

it might be my brain
that's fucked.

Cyborg's not really my buddy.
I don't know why
I just said that.

He's more like this
lesser version of me
who lives in my house.

Anyhoo, my daughter-in-law
thinks I might have
Parkinson's.

But she's not a doctor.
She's a graphic designer.

But you're a doctor.
So what do you think?

Goddamn TikTokers.
I don't have time for this.

Hmph, okay.

Fuck it.

Shit!

What the hell?

Which of Niles'
nonsense are you
mixed up in now?

It's a time machine.

And for some reason,
I've been tasked
with fixing it.

Also, it's not Niles.

I hope you didn't
ask me here to help.

Time travel's fringe,
experimental, dangerous.

Few human trials that I know of
have led to neurological damage
and memory loss.

Fringe and experimental?
As opposed to the body tech
which was thoroughly vetted

before you put it in my body?

I did it to save your life.

And if I'm not mistaken,
it seems to have
worked out okay.

Alive and okay
aren't the same thing.
You know that, right?

Maybe you'd have
more body positivity
if you'd made better choices

for how you used your tech--

I didn't choose
to put this in my body.
You did.

What's going on here, Vic?

Where's this coming from?

I've just been
wondering, is all,

if there was another choice,
if body tech was the only way
to save my life.

Okay, let's talk about choice.

Like your choice
to abet Roni Evers
in evading authorities,

a choice that cost me my job.

What?

Technically, I'm on
administrative leave.

-But it's not looking good.
-But that's not fair!

You had nothing to do with.

You used S.T.A.R. Labs tech
I designed to help a murderer!

But she's not
a bad person, Dad!

If you know what she
went through, you'd understand
where she's coming from.

She deserved a second chance,
and I gave her one.

So that's it?

You take zero responsibility
for your actions?

I can't believe I'd ever feel
this disappointed in you, son.

But here we are.

Do you want to know
why I asked you over?

Two days ago, I died.

What?

I went to the afterlife
and I talked to Mom.

Oh...

Finally happened.

You've been hanging around
these nuts so long,
you done lost your mind.

No. She told me that
there was another way
you could have saved me.

Yeah. And I want to know
what it was.

Was there another way or not?

Well...

We had, uh,
developed a prototype

for synthetic skin.

Oh, God.

So, I could've looked normal.

-It was still very--
-Experimental.

Like the cyber tech?

Just like this?

Why would you do this to me?

You couldn't do human trials,
so you used your own son
as a guinea pig?

Is that what this is?

I cannot keep
explaining myself.

You can't or you won't?

Everything I did
was to protect you.

I don't care what you hear
or who you talk to.

It won't change that.

I must apologize
for my housemates'
less-than-warm welcome.

It's just, most of them
are trying to move on
from Niles Caulder,

so a mysterious stranger
dredging him back up
was probably a bit triggering.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Was he a bad man?

Yes.

And no.

He was a complicated person.

Yes. Well, aren't we all?

Oh, shitting hell!

Perhaps it was
completely pointless
coming here.

Well, how can you possibly
know what to look for

when you don't know
what you're looking for?

Well, the mind may forget,
but the gut may not.

It is the elephant of the body,

and it will tell me
when I am onto something.

It just occurred to me
that I... I don't know
what to call you.

Well, that makes two of us.

What about Shannon?

I have always liked that name.

Very well, Shannon it is.

Why don't you tell me,
um, what your name is?

It's Rita. Rita Farr.

Ah, well, Rita.

I don't know why you have
attached yourself to me
like a black-legged tick,

but it is distracting
and quite bothersome.

And I don't mean to be unkind,
but it's really annoying!

Oh, I didn't mean to be
any of those things.

Do you have a question for me,

or is your neediness some
kind of holistic condition?

Actually, I do.

Do I look at all
familiar to you?

My body elephant
has the strongest feeling
that we know each other.

No one looks familiar to me,
not even me.

Or do you...
Do you not know
how amnesia works?

Maybe try taking
a nice long look
at me for a minute.

Maybe it'll help
jog something loose.
Hmm?

Oh, you got schmutz
on your face there.

Ah!

Hot dog!

Okay.

That's the stuff.

Wow.

Ugh!

Whatcha doing?

Playing Frisbee golf.
What does it
look like, dipshit?

Uh...

Like you're making
creepy Bob Ross fan art.

You made me feel like shit
for not honoring
our stupid pact or whatever,

so I tried making something
out of my pain,
like Abuelita told me to.

But it didn't work.

And now I feel like
an even bigger dick,

so I'm going to get
high as fuck
and then light it on fire.

-Wanna watch?
-Definitely.

Only... maybe before
you flick your Bic,

you might wanna, I don't know,
try talking to creepy Bob Ross.

-About what?
-Whatever you want.

Maybe saying some shit you
didn't get to before he died
will give you some closure.

Who crawled up your ass
and made you Dr. Phil?

When we were in the afterlife,
I got to tell off
my asshole dad,

and it felt awesome!

I'm talking top ten
best moments of my life,
or afterlife.

At least it was great
till he shoved his

"Grandpa of the Year" mug
up my butt.

Not literally.

And I got to tell Niles
to suck a bucket of vaginas,

which also squeaks
into my top ten.

Wait, when did that happen?

Oh, uh...

Probably about, ooh,
sometime after he died.

He was a ghost, and he
wanted me to burn his body
so his soul could be at peace.

But I didn't do it
because fuck him.

So I could've
talked to him?

That's what I'm saying!
You still can.

I'm sorry it has
to end this way, old friends.

I'd like to think
you'll do well out here.

But my guess is, you'll be dead
a week after I am.

I'm in crisis, Larry,
and I need a sympathetic ear.

Uh, not really
a good time, okay?

There was another me
at Codsville.

How do you mean?

I mean, there was another me.
As in, instead of
just one of me,

there were two.

It happened right after that
ghastly red creature
started shooting.

I almost escaped, when "she"

shoved me back
into the lounge.

What's more is,
she was wearing
the exact same flight suit

I found in Shannon's
time machine.

-Who's Shannon?
-Our mysterious time traveler.

It's what
we're calling her now.

She remembered her name?

No. It's just
what we're calling her.

Please, Larry,
try to stay focused.

-And if that weren't enough,

there's that strange creature
in the afterlife

who not only seemed to know me,
but to like me.

But I couldn't get any answers
or even a little common
courtesy out of Shannon,

so I am left
to put the pieces together
on my own.

But what does it all mean?

I mean, the two seem
unrelated to me.

Ha! Larry...

What if I'm a world-renowned
time traveler?

Uh, look,

after all the weird crap
we've been through,

I can buy
the time traveler piece.

But where do you get
"world-renowned"?

Since I am one of two
known time travelers,

one could extrapolate
my elevated status.

Or maybe
you're trying to find

some specialness inside you
that isn't really there.

Now, how could you
say that to me?

I'm dying, Rita.

-Again?
-Yeah.

What's happening?

I've been puking up
blue crap all morning.

Since I don't eat or drink,

I don't think
that's a good sign.

Oh, Larry.

Yeah, apparently,
life without the spirit
has its limits.

I think that's why
he brought me into space,

so I could see it
one last time.

Anyway.

I love you too much
to not be honest
during my last days.

Now, you see here,
Larry Trainor, I...

What's on your bandages?

- Ugh!

What fresh hell is this? Oh!

You know,
you... smell delicious.

Do you have ham in your pocket
or something?

Um, not that I'm aware of, no.

-Uh... Did, um...
Did you just lick me?

Oh, I...
I have no idea.

Doesn't ring a bell.

"Woman petting cat."

Well?

Not a flicker.

Larry!

Rita...

My body elephant!

I'm telling you,
this is that crazy spider
lady's puke or something.

It's like a curse!

Bless you. Oh, my fuck!

I don't feel so good.

You don't look great either.

Jane? Jane?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Everybody...

Everybody, come,
I know who I am!

I'm a bird!

And I can fly... I think.

Brains!

Brains!

Brains?

What happened
to you morons this time?

Brains.

Are you the one
who zombified these tits?

I don't think so.
I couldn't swear to it, though.

-Who's she?

Uh-huh. Okay.
Um, could somebody tell me
what's going on here?

-'Cause I'm...
-What happened to you lot?

Sure thing. I need an axe,
gallon of petrol and a match.

Got it in one, Bubba Ho-tep.

Find me a VCR in this pit,
and all will be explained.

Brains.

Is that Niles Caulder?

More or less. Shorter than
you imagined, I bet.

You're funny.

Listen up, freaks. I got your
dead leader's head.

If you want it back,
you'll come and see me.

But don't keep me waiting
or I will make him pay for it!

Don't do it.
Don't come here.
Save yourselves!

- Shut up!

I'll see you real soon.

I had Niles' head first.

Darren stole it off me.
Took my coat too.

Calm your festering arses down.

Do you know how much
arcane mystical knowledge

is swimming around
in that man's noodle?

Better I have it
than some other crazy bastard.

Oh, right.

-So you pilfered it
in order to protect it?
-That's right.

Not because
its inherent magical value
would fetch a fine price?

I'm sorry, who the fuck
are you again?

I'm a bird. And my name
is Laura De Mille.

And that head may be the key
to unlocking my memory,

so we have to rescue it.

I did have a plan.

A bloody good one.

But as per usual,
your dumbfuckery

jammed a spanner up my arse
and now you're zombies.

Is it too much to ask
for you twats

not to fuck yourselves up
so spectacularly?

Well, I may have an idea there.

We just need to keep
this undead brood

from feasting on our brains
till we put it into action.

Got it covered, love.

This was in James Dean's car
the night he bit it.

It covers the smell of brains.

And the, um... And the hats?

Keep our heads warm.
It's cold without my coat.

Yeah.

Come on.

Look, you muppets.
Delicious brains.

-Yummy, yummy.
-Brains!

Brains!

Look, I don't know you.

And I'm not sure this plan's
going to work.

But fuck it. Here.

Be very careful with that.

-It's petrified dragon's piss.
-Mmm-hmm.

Most people worry
about the fire, but it's
the piss that'll get you.

Should pop his head
like a balloon.

See you on the other side.

This way, Solomons Grundy.

There you are, my beauty.

He kept a serial killer diary.

I thought
I smelled abominations.

Brains?

I'm so glad you
sons of bitches are here.

I got one hell of a tale
to tell you.

It's about a man who was
on top of the world...

He had it all. A career,

a beautiful wife and children,

a home that would make
Martha Stewart shit through
her mouth with jealousy.

Shut up, freaks!

You destroyed my life,
and God damn it,
you will listen to me!

Okay, this is...
This is good.

You've a mission
and a plan, and...

And you're a bird.

So you've learned so much
about yourself already,

you are almost there.

You are going to, uh,
fly down there

like you have surely
done a thousand times before

and, uh, place this magical,
disgusting doodad thing

on that psychopath's head.

Okay.

Transform!

You probably haven't
thought twice about your
little visit to the Ant Farm,

but it has haunted me
every second
of every day since.

Do you have any idea
what it's like to be attacked
by hundreds of butts,

who tear into
every inch of your flesh,

and then later, at dinner,

at church,

at my daughter's softball game,

something happens.

And then your wife tells you
she can't stand you,

that you're not even
a man anymore.

-I'm sorry, what?
-She wants to see the head.

Oh.

My God,
what's happened to you?

They're zombies, you berk.

Transform!

Trans... Damn you!
Damn it. Trans...

Fuck me, it's a dud.

I am gonna kill you all
so fucking hard!

Fuck off hard.
You were gonna try that anyway.

You know, usually
when I tell that story

right when I come to the
"something happens" part,

somebody usually asks me
what made my wife leave.

Come on!

Eh, fuck it.
What happened?

I'm so glad you asked.

Good shitting Christ,
we're all the way
through the looking glass now.

Shit!

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah, there's some stuff
That I really wanna do ♪

♪ Yeah, badass people
I wanna show you ♪

♪ Oh, wait for it
Here it comes ♪

Ignore the butts.
Ignore the, um... The zombies.

Hey, yeah.

You're here for the head.
The head.
And you will get the head.

There is no failure,
only death.

And you will
not die today, sister!

Fuck you, asshole!

Fuck!

Don't worry, Tweety.

You'll get your
seven minutes in heaven.

Brains!

-Oops.
-Leg it.

...them?

-Fuck 'em.
-What?

Wait, I can save them.

You bleeding heart bastard.

Now's as good a time
as any to cut the cord.

Like you did
with my daughter?

Oh.

Damn, you sentimental fool.

All right, Walt Disney,
what's the plan?

Years ago,
I discovered that zombies
crave human brains

because the brain produces
a rare chemical

that can actually
cure the affliction.

Unfortunately, the truth
was bastardized by filmmakers

who believed it made
for better cinema.

Thanks for the history lesson,
but my head guy in Paris

isn't taking my calls
at the moment,
so I have no idea on--

Huh.

You want me to feed you
to that pack of morons?

They're my family.

It's all I have left
to give them.

Fine. Thing of it is...

I don't think I can.

Um, well, that's okay,
I'll... I'll take care of him.

We've had some times,
haven't we?

The best of them.

So long, you bearded twat.

Hope they choke on you.

Goodbye, Willoughby.

Baphomet really does love you.

Stop trying to smother her.

Mr. Caulder,

I am so sorry to ask anything
of you at a time like this,

but I am in some need.

I know my name
is Laura De Mille,

and that I am associated
with the Sisterhood of Dada

and that I am a bird
and an ottoman.

The only other thing
that I am aware of
is that I need to find you,

but I have no idea why.

-Do you know me?
-I know you.

All too well, I'm afraid.

Oh, I see.

Well, I gather we weren't
on friendly terms, then?

Can you tell me why?

-No.
-No?

You heard me.

Yes, I... I heard you.

-But why?
-I'll make you a deal.

I have documents
with information about you.

Give me your word that after
you feed my head to my people,

you'll stay the hell
away from them,

and I'll tell you
where the documents are.

Though I must be
out of my mind to trust you.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, I do not understand
why you have
so much venom for me.

I'm not a bad person.

Am I?

I don't feel like
I'm a bad person.

Surely that's not
the kind of thing that can be
erased with one's memory.

Deeds have a way of leaving
indelible marks on the soul.

Do you agree or not?

Uh...

Brains!

Oh, Jane.

My dear, dear Jane.

It's okay. I love you, Jane.

I want you to eat me.

Eat me.

Eat me.

Eat me.

Eat--

So, are we, like,
cannibals now?

Shut the fuck up.
- Don't.

Technically, since 99.99999%
of my body is metal,

I'd have to eat a Buick Skylark
to be a cannibal.

- Come on, man.
- Stop saying that word.

Please stop talking.

Will someone at least
tell me what it tasted like?

- Enough already.
-I will stomp your brain
like a jelly-filled balloon.

I will say this.

The one upside
to being a zombie was

the only thing
I worried about
was finding brains.

It was sort of,
I don't know, peaceful.

Anyone feel like that?

Okay, just throwing it
out there.

"Laura De Mille is a disloyal

and self-serving cancer
to be excised.

It is my strong recommendation

that she be
terminated immediately."

"Eat me."

"Eat me!"

What's this?

Online pharmacy?

No prescription necessary.

Fuck yeah!

What the hell?

My God!

God!

Oh, shit.

So, what happened
with Niles?

Did he give you the answers
you were looking for?

Will you be leaving us soon?

Ugh, now see here, you.

You are a guest in our home.

And though you did help
save our bacon...

it doesn't
give you the right
to ignore my questions.

We know each other.
I am certain of it and...

Perhaps this isn't a good time.

Oh. I just made
some oatmeal cookies.

Would you like one?

That would be nice.

Thank you.

Brains!