All language subtitles for Carry On - 18 - Carry On Again Doctor

They've started early today.

Oh, hello. What is it, Miss
Armitage? What's the matter?

I'm so sorry, I'm not dipped.

What happened? What frightened
you, Miss Armitage?

What's all the fuss about?

I might have known.
Dr Nookey, what

have you been doing
to this patient?

Doing? To her? You must be joking.

I was just having a shower
when she suddenly barged in.

That is the women's washroom.

Women's washroom?

Well, it was only changed
yesterday, Doctor,

while the women's is
being redecorated.

The notice isn't very clear.

That is no excuse. I think you
owe this lady an apology.

I'm most terribly sorry, Miss...

Miss Armitage.

- Don't forget my appointment.
- Ooh.

Don't you start.

Why do they put such awkward
handles on these doors?

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, sir, but there

seems to have been
an awful mistake.

Your medical career is notorious
for its ups and downs.

Now we appear to have
reached the bottom.

Ooh.

Pay attention, everyone. The head
surgeon is making his rounds.

Sit up straight.

- Sit up straight.
- You must be joking.

The point is, sir, as
senior house surgeon,

it is my job to see that the
hospital runs with efficiency.

Dr Nookey is a
disrupting influence.

Oh, don't go on so, Stoppidge.

I can't sack every doctor
who goes in the wrong

washroom and makes an
exhibition of himself.

Who was that woman?

Miss Armitage. She's
in for observation.

Is she? All I can say
is she observed a

darn sight more than
she bargained for.

There's more to it
than that, sir. There

have been other
incidents with nurses.

Oh, come, come, Stoppidge.
We both know that young

doctors indulge in a
bit of jiggery-pokery.

Sir, I do not object to jiggery,
but I do take exception to pokery.

Excuse me, sir...

Ah, this is the new
kidney case, I suppose.

- Oh, yes, sir. Mr Bean.
- Ah, kidney bean.

Well, Mr Bean, how
are you? Any pain?

A bit, sir,

especially when I pass water.

The best thing for you to do,
Mr Bean, is to stop passing it.

Every time you come to
some, stop and turn back.

- Has he been X-rayed?
- Yes, sir.

- I'd like to see his plates.
- Yes, of course.

I mean his X-ray plates.

I beg your pardon. Matron.

Nurse.

Thank you.

Ah. Yes.

It's a stone.

No? I thought it was
a trouser button.

Mr Bean, do you wear a
zip on your trousers?

Why, yes.

It's a stone. It'll have
to come out right away.

Excuse me, sir.

Don't keep plucking at
me, I'm not a chicken.

I'm sorry, but you
have an appointment

at the Berkeley Nursing Home.

- It can wait.
- With Mrs Moore.

And she... Oh, yes,
that's different.

She's a wealthy private
patient of mine.

I took her appendix
out the other day.

I hope you both had a nice time.

I'll make the jokes if you
don't mind, Stoppidge.

All right, Fosdick, get the car.

But, sir, what about
the operation?

You can handle it. I hear
you're a good kidney winkler.

Sir, I've never done
this kind of op before.

You'll handle it.

- I'll lend you my penknife.
- Penknife?

Yes, it's got one of those
things for taking out stones.

Oh, but, sir, I do
need your advice.

Come with me in the
car. I'll explain it.

Thank you, sir.

Mr Bean. Come back.

Bend over and I'll demonstrate.

Perfectly
straightforward, you see.

You make your incision
here. Stop squirming.

Isn't the incision
rather high up, sir?

I don't want to take a
lump off his coccyx.

High up? Certainly not.
Have you got a skin pencil?

Show me the position
of a normal kidney.

I would say it's
just about... there.

What's that supposed
to be? A cashew nut?

- His kidney.
- What, that silly little thing?

- He's not a hamster.
- All right.

Perhaps... just a bit larger.

No, no, no. It's not even in the
right place. Here. I'll show you.

Now, there. There. That's
where you'll find it.

Oh, no, sir. I beg to differ.

That is where his liver is.

Nonsense.

The liver's not there, it's
there. There, you see?

And there's the backbone.

Would you mind doing
that again, sir?

Yes, sir, please do.

Thank you, Nurse.

Mrs Beasley, please.

And about time too.

Ah, good morning, Mrs Beasley.

And what's wrong with you today?

That's for you to find
out, innit, Doctor?

Any rate...

I brought you this sample
what you asked me for.

The correct word for it is
a "specimen," Mrs Beasley.

You call it what you like, Doctor.
I know what I'd call it...

Not in front of Sister,
please, Mrs Beasley.

And while we're on
about it, you ought

to give us bottles
with wider tops.

I had a hell of a job
getting that in there.

You ought to have used
a funnel, Mrs Beasley.

I tried one of those. It just
kept running out the other end.

Well, never mind.
You've done splendidly.

It's all right, is it?

Fresh as a mountain stream. Not
much wrong in that department.

No, there may not be
much wrong there,

but that doesn't mean there isn't

something wrong with
the rest of me.

I mean, there's the
bowels, to start with.

They're driving me mad.

- Nothing don't seem to shift 'em.
- Have you tried a laxative?

Not bowels, Doctor. Bells.

Ringing in my ear holes
all day long, they are.

Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.

Please go on, Mrs Beasley.

There's a swelling what
comes up at night...

Course. When the palpitations
start it wakes me up.

And I turn over and
that wakes him up.

And before I know where I am,

- he's at it again.
- At it?

Grousing.

"You woke me up."

Oh, I see. Well, have you
tried using separate beds?

He won't have it, Doctor.

Says it's denying him
his convivial rights.

Yes, well... I'll get
Sister to give you

some sleeping tablets
for it, Mrs Beasley.

- Now, I really must get on.
- This way, Mrs Beasley.

Ooh, Doctor. I never
told you about

the rheumatism in my right leg.

Well, there's nothing to worry
about. It's just old age.

But my left leg's as old. I don't
get no rheumatism in that.

All right, you win,
Mrs Beasley. Sister,

would you give her
some tablets for it?

Yes, Doctor. Come
along, Mrs Beasley.

Thank you, Doctor.
See you tomorrow.

Who's next, Sister?

Just Mr Pullen for his
hormone injections.

You can bring Mr Pullen in. Nurse.

Come along, Mr
Pullen. You're next.

Up we get. That's it.

Now, hold on tight round my waist.

Not too tight.

Stop it. Behave yourself.

Yes, I know what you'd
like to do to me.

Isn't he awful? You'd
think at his age...

Take Dr Stoppidge back and then

return for me. Come
along, Fosdick.

- Morning, Mr Carver.
- Morning, Matron.

Mrs Moore is ready for
you. Go right in.

Thank you, Matron.

My dear Mrs Moore.
Why, you're looking

very well today. How
are you feeling?

Oh, I feel wonderful, Mr Carver.

I'd no idea that
having one's appendix

out could be so exhilarating.

I feel ten years younger.

Splendid, splendid.

Be honest, now. Do I
look like a woman of 40?

You really feel as young as that?

No, that's what I am.

Yes, I was just joking, of course.

And er... you're leaving
today, are you?

Yes. I shan't be
sorry. This bed's all

right, but I miss
my Slap and Tickle.

What?

Slap and Tickle.
They're my Siamese.

- They always sleep on my bed.
- Yes, of course.

Not that I'm not grateful for
all that you've done for me.

They told me you were
a wonderful surgeon.

Well, I suppose I am a
cut above the rest.

Yes, and, you know,
I've been thinking. I'd

like to show my
appreciation in some way.

Come, now. Just because
you're a widow, that's

no reason why I should
take advantage of you.

I don't mind being taken
advantage of... now and then.

Well, since you've
mentioned it, there

is something I would like to do.

Yes?

For many years now,
I've had a dream.

A dream of something
that would bring hope

and comfort to millions
of suffering people.

The Frederick Carver Foundation.

What's that, some sort of corset?

No, no. A private clinic.

But, alas, it would be
a very costly project.

Five hundred thou...

I didn't mean that
sort of appreciation.

Not financially. I don't
do that sort of thing.

Oh, don't be modest, Mrs Moore.

What about the medical mission you
set up in the Beatific Islands?

Oh, that was different.
My husband died

there and I wanted to
show my gratitude.

I mean for the way
they looked after him.

Quite, quite.

Dr Clarke to reception. Please.

Hello, Doctor. Another
bill for you.

- Wotcher, Jim.
- Oh, hello, Henry.

- Swotting up on anatomy?
- Yes.

I could do with some fine
surgical equipment like that.

Well, who couldn't? Fed up, then?

You're joking. I'm getting fed
up with this place, Henry.

Specialise, that's
what I'd like to do.

The old Harley Street
bit, with bags

of lovely filthy-rich
women patients.

What would you specialise in?

Don't know. The only thing I'm
good at you get struck off for.

There goes one of my patients.

Do you fancy a game of diagnosis?

What, with him? What,
half a dollar?

Right, ok. Let's see.

Sallow complexion,
droopy eyelids...

- I'd say pernicious anaemia.
- Sorry. Cirrhosis.

Damn. Wait a minute.
How about that one?

- Double or quits.
- He's not one of mine.

- Still, have a go.
- All right.

I'd say a slipped disc.

Never. Must be... haemorrhoids.
And a very bad case. Too.

- Let's ask him?
- All right.

Excuse me, sir. My friend and
I are doing spot diagnoses.

I was wondering if you could help.

I'd say you've got
haemorrhoids, and he thinks

it's a slipped disc.
Could you tell us?

Er... let me see, now.

You thought it was a slipped disc.

Right.

- I'm afraid you were wrong.
- Ah.

You thought it was haemorrhoids.
I'm afraid you were wrong.

- What, then?
- As a matter of fact,

I thought I was going
to break wind.

I'm afraid I was wrong.

- Excuse me.
- Dr Nookey wanted in Casualty.

- Dr Nookey to Casualty.
- See you later, Henry.

Well, what is it, Matron?

Accident from the film
studios. Just coming in.

Something the matter?

I've just seen you.
On a pin-up calendar.

Oh, yes, could be. I did
do some modelling once.

Not for long. Those photographers
expect too much for their money.

Well, what an extraordinary
coincidence?

I was just saying to myself
I could do with a bit of...

Yes, well, er... what
happened to you, then?

Here's the accident
report, Doctor.

Oh, thank you.

Let's see. Miss Locks. Severe
bruising and possible fracture.

That's right. You see,
I was posing on top of

this enormous packet and
I slipped and fell.

Oh, I see... I think.

Well, we'd better
have a closer look at

you, hadn't we? If
you would, Matron.

Cor...

- What's wrong?
- Oh, nothing. No, nothing at all.

It's all marvellous.

What happened to your
clothes, Miss Locks?

This is all that I was wearing.
I was doing an advertisement.

Just for interest, what
were you advertising?

Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.

I can see the connection now.

I can't see any sign of
bruising. Can you, Doctor?

Oh, no, I fell on my backside. I
haven't got anything in front.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- Oh, cheeky.

I think we'd better turn
you over, hadn't we?

Turn over, please, Miss Locks.

Cor.

- Can you see them?
- Oh, yes, not half.

Oh, yes, yes. Nasty. Very nasty.

Tell me if this hurts
you, would you?

Oh, haven't you got hot hands?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, I don't think there's
much of a fracture here.

Do you feel any
fever or giddiness?

Yes, I do feel a bit hot.

I meant Miss Locks.

Oh, yes. We'd better
check you for that.

Would you turn over again, please?

Well, that one's all right.

- Will you want an X-ray, Doctor?
- Pardon?

Do you wish an X-ray?

Ooh. Yes, as soon as you can
set one up, please, Matron.

Thank you.

It's the pulse bit now.
May I have your hand?

Shouldn't it be my wrist?

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

We should get the
results any minute now.

Oh, I hope they're all right.
I've got a screen test tomorrow.

- What's your first name?
- Goldie.

Goldie.

Oh, Goldie Locks.

I know, it's shocking, but I
sort of got stuck with it.

- What's your real name, then?
- Maud. Maud Boggins.

Oh, well, never mind?
Goldie's a nice name.

What's your name?

Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.

You're not much
better off, are you?

No. Look, Goldie, how about you
coming out with me one evening?

What for?

Well, a spot of dinner,
dancing and stuff.

I don't mind the
dinner and dancing,

- but don't expect anything else.
- Oh, I don't.

So long as you know.

There we are, Jimmy.
No sign of a fracture.

Whoopee. No fracture.

There will be if you
go on like that.

- Ooh. Can I go now?
- There's no hurry, is there?

Would you like to
have a look around?

All right.

- Good. We'll start with my room.
- No, thanks. I've seen your room.

Here, I like your telly.

Do you? Just a minute,
I'll show you what's on.

Now, let's see.

Contact.

And now, before your very eyes.

Our genuine Chinese spare ribs.

Profile, miss. Ask me the time.

What's the time?

4:25.

- Have a go.
- Yeah.

Whoops.

- Well, how do I look?
- Bony.

I don't know what I see in you.

I wish I could see myself.

Just a minute, I might be able to
get a print of this. Let's see.

Say cheese.

Just St-stay where you are.
I'll pull the main fuse out.

Coming.

I wouldn't have thought
it possible for

one man to create
such utter chaos.

We've only returned to
normal this morning.

I know, sir. The trouble is,
I just can't help myself.

On the contrary, you
always help yourself.

Sir, do we have to prolong this?
I'll just hand in my resignation.

Oh, no, no. There's no
need for resignation.

Everyone has a bit of
fun now and again.

Do they, sir?

As a matter of fact, I
think you can help me.

I've got a bit of a
sex problem myself.

Ooh, well, you don't have
to around here, sir.

There's a little
nurse in Ward B...

No, no, I don't mean
the physical side.

I know what's what
and where's where.

You can't be a surgeon without
noticing these things.

No, of course not, sir.

I'm taking this lady to
dinner and, I'll be frank,

I want to... impress her,
if you see what I mean.

- I do, sir. You're on the make.
- Yes...

In a manner of speaking.
And I haven't

had much experience
in these matters.

Oh, I see, sir.

Well, if I were you,
as soon as you've sat

her down, I'd er...
give her the business.

What, sitting down?

Start chatting her up.
A bit of flannel.

How beautiful you are.

What lovely big eyes you
have. And other things.

I couldn't say "What
lovely big other things."

Blimey, you haven't
had much experience.

No.

How about if I jotted down a few
lines and you can try them out?

You'd do that for
me? Oh, that would

be most kind of you, Dr Nookey.

- Is Dr Nookey still in there?
- Yes, Doctor.

I'd hate to be in his shoes.

Still, it's high time he were
taken down a peg or two.

I expect that'll give you
great pleasure, Doctor.

I'm sorry. But I've got to say it.

You're the most wonderful
person I've ever met.

Every time I look
into your beautiful

eyes I'm filled with ecstasy.

Now hold hands. That's good.

What a lovely little
hand you've got.

Kiss it. Then. Oh, that's
it. Oh, I adore you.

I...

Jolly good, sir. By
this time, you'll

have got her on the run already.

Please go on.

My darling, I must tell you.

Now, you do something
exciting to me.

No, no, look. Oh, my darling,
I must tell you now.

You do something exciting to me.

Oh, sorry.

? Light jazz

Do you realise we've known each
other for four whole weeks now?

Yeah. Do you think
that's a record?

I don't know. It's the
longest I've been

out with a girl without
getting somewhere.

What do you mean, "without
getting somewhere"?

- We went to Bognor last Sunday.
- You know what I mean.

Yeah, but I don't want
to spoil it, Jim.

Don't be silly. It
likes to be spoilt.

You ever thought of
getting married?

- Married? What for?
- Oh, never mind.

Oh, look at that couple
dancing over there.

Something wrong?

Er... no, no. I just
dropped something.

Oh, got it?

Yes, thank you.

Ellen, my dear, you look
absolutely ravishing tonight.

Oh, Frederick, how very
nice of you to say so.

Yes.

Isn't Matron looking charming
over there, out of uniform.

This is the happiest
moment of my life.

I should taste it first,
mate, if I was you.

Yes. Ahem. Of course. Thank you.

Ellen, my dear, to you.

And to you, I'm sure.

Quite nice.

Yes.

Anyway, you won't have to worry
much longer about getting nowhere.

Really?

Yes. I've had an offer
to go to Italy. Filming.

Italy? But that's miles away.

Oh, clever boy.

Oh, no, Goldie. You don't
want to go, do you?

Well, no, not really,
but I do have to

support myself...
being a single girl.

Oh, hell. There must be
some way around this.

Yes, well, you're the
doctor. Suggest something.

- I've got it.
- Yes, Jim?

There's a job going here,
in the almoner's office.

Oh, you make me so mad.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next
dance is a general excuse-me.

Excuse me.

? Lively dance music

May I, Doctor?

Miss Fosdick really looks
quite gay, doesn't she?

My dear. My dear...

I can't tell you how much
tonight means to me.

Just to see your lovely face.

I beg your pardon?

To hear your lovely voice.

Must you play so blasted loud? I
can hardly hear myself think.

Oh, do go on, Frederick.

- Go on?
- With what you were saying.

Oh, yes. Oh, I've dropped
my napkin. Excuse me.

Your lovely... Your
eyes like stars...

Frederick.

I don't know whether it's me
you're after or my money,

but I wish you'd put
that stupid piece

of paper down and
stop messing about.

Dr Stoppidge. Dr Stoppidge.

Could you come,
please? Miss Armitage

is having one of her turns again.

Oh, no. Would you excuse me, sir?

Of course, Dr
Stoppidge. Run along.

Stay where you are.

Death before dishonour.

You keep that lusting
lecher away from me.

- Who's she talking about?
- You, Doctor.

Me? Oh. I didn't think it showed.

She's been like this ever since
that incident with Dr Nookey.

She thinks every man's after her.

We can't have her disturbing the
rest of the patients like this.

Now, come, come, Miss Armitage. We
mustn't be a silly girl, must we?

Keep back. Keep back.

You know me. I'm Dr Stoppidge.

Hmph. You're all the same.
You're only after one thing.

No, no, that's quite
untrue, Miss Armitage.

I only want to get you into bed.

Argh.

Get out of here,

you sex maniac.

Oh, this is all Dr Nookey's fault.
The sooner he goes, the better.

Well, you didn't
exactly help matters.

- Is there a private room free?
- Yes. Number 10.

You'd better put her
in there for tonight.

I'll give you a sedative for her.

Yes.

Right. Give her one of
these. She'll think

it's the Pill, but
that can't be helped.

Thank you.

- There we are, my dear.
- Thank you, Frederick.

As a matter of fact, I was
wondering if you could help me.

Of course, I'd do anything for
you. You know that, my dear.

You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.

Oh, I don't think I could
do anything like that.

Well, you haven't
heard what it is yet.

It's that medical mission of mine

in the Beatific Islands.

Oh, I see. And how can
I help you there?

We lost our resident
doctor some weeks ago,

and I can't find
anyone to replace him.

I'm not surprised.

Any doctor would be a fool to
bury himself in a dump like that.

Well, surely you can
find me someone.

I doubt it. I don't know
anyone so stupid...

Oh, I don't know though...

Dr Nookey.

Oh, yes, sir?

Tell me, how would
you like to have a

splendid job with a
medical mission abroad?

A medical mission? Abroad?
You must be joking.

A medical mission.

You see? And believe me, they
don't come any stupider than him.

If you can't do a simple
thing like that to

help me, how do you
expect me to help you?

- Don't be like that, Ellen.
- It isn't much to ask.

No, it isn't, and I
promise you I'll

do my best to think of someone.

You'd better.

- And a fruit cup, sir.
- Thank you very much indeed.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How's that, sir?
- I do like a bit of leg.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

There we are. Sorry
I've been so long.

There's ham and turkey
for you, and one for me.

I'm sorry, but it's
only fruit cup.

No, thanks. I have
to watch my figure.

If I may say so, it's
well worth watching.

If I don't, I blow
up like a balloon.

That's all right. I know a
good game with balloons.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Now, as I was saying...

Mm. Ah-ah-Argh.

That's pretty good stuff. Mm.

You'll be quite all right now.
There are no men in this room.

Nurse.

? Cha-cha-cha music

Hia-hup. Hai-a-up-ah.

Ho-de-up-de-ho.

- Oh, I'm very sorry.
- Simmer down.

Your boss has got his
beady eye on you.

You know what he can
do with his eye.

Phew.

That wine cup must've
been good. You

forgotten you're driving me home?

It's all right, it's all right.

- What about the Breathalyser?
- What about it? I can breathe.

Never mind. I'll walk home.

Oh, no, no. See, I've got
an idea. Look, stay here.

Oh, yes, and where am I going to

sleep, if that's not
a silly question?

It is, see, because I've
got it all worked out.

There's a private room
empty. Number 10.

I don't know. Is it allowed?

Well, of course. Who's to know?

Come on, quick, before the rush.

Jim, I don't think this
is such a good idea.

- Nonsense, it's a wonderful idea.
- But I haven't got a nightie.

- I have.
- A nightie?

No, no. I'll lend you my japamas.

- Pyjamas.
- That's what I said, japamas.

Now, you go and get undressed
and I'll bring them to you.

Jim, darling, be sensible. We
don't want to spoil things.

We won't spoil them. You see,
they're nylon. Drip-dry.

I didn't mean the pyjamas.

Now, this is the room. Number 10.

I'll go and get them and
then we can have a little...

Oh, Jim, not that old bit.

I love you. Back soon.

Come on. Where are you?

Ah, Moët, my old chum,
your hour has come.

Taxi'll be here in a minute, miss.

Oh, thank you.

Would you see that Dr Nookey gets
this first thing in the morning?

- Certainly, miss.
- Thank you.

Ah, you're in bed?

Won't be a sec.

Just a drop of the
old passion juice

to get us in the mood?

Argh.

Argh.

It's all right,
it's only the cork.

- I said, it's only...
- Argh.

Ah. Oh, no... Oh,
no, not you again.

- Argh.
- No, shush.

No, I don't want you.
I want my Goldie.

The private patients' wing.

Goldie. Where are you?

Yoo-hoo.

Goldie.

Dr Nookey. I might have known.

Get back, you, Carver, or
I'll chop your head off.

- Get hold of him, he's mad.
- Anyone for Casualty?

Goldie.

Goldie, where are you?

Oh... Hold this.

Goldie.

Help.

Goldie.

Nurse. Nurse. Help.

Goldie.

Goldie.

Gol... Argh.

Oh.

Argh.

Look out.

Help.

Oh, no.

Help.

Argh.

Dr Nookey's explanation
is that he went to

the private ward to
see his girlfriend.

That is correct.

But if there was a girl,
why did she disappear?

Well, you can't knock down
a coconut every time.

No, I think what Mr Carver means

is that he had arranged
a clandestine meeting

with a girl who then
changed her mind.

Quite so, Mr Chairman.
We shouldn't

condemn a doctor to be struck off

just because he made
the wrong diagnosis

of what is or is not crumpet.

"I'm sorry, darling,
but I guess I'm

just an old-fashioned
girl at heart

and I just don't like...
wearing japamas.

Goodbye. It's been fun.

Goldie."

He can't be allowed
to practise in this

hospital. Or in any
other, for that matter.

Of course not, but if I may
have a quiet word with him,

I think I've a solution that
will satisfy everyone...

with the possible
exception of Dr Nookey.

All right, Mr Carver.

- Bad news, sir?
- Disastrous.

In fact, in medical
parlance, you're up

the alimentary canal
without a paddle.

That means the medical
council, then.

No, I've enough influence with
the Board to dissuade them,

if I can assure them you'll clear
off out of the country, go abroad.

Where, though?

There's that job with
the medical mission.

Please, sir, I have
not sunk that low.

All right. It's up
to you. I suppose

there are other jobs
for ex-doctors.

Well, where is this mission?

A place called Azure
Bay in the Beatific

Islands. Very good salary, too.

The Beatific Islands.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Imagine it, Nookey. A
tropical paradise.

Beautiful warm seas.
The smell of oleander.

Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.

Oh, I love great big... coconuts.

No shortage of them
out there. It's

the heat. Has a funny
effect on them.

- When can I go?
- Right away.

I couldn't do that,
sir, no. I've got

things to buy and things to pack.

Shall we say... half an hour?

The Beatific Islands? Someone
must have a sense of humour.

Are you sure we're in
the right country?

Yes, yes. All right, Dr Cookey.

- Nookey, mate, Nookey.
- Yes, yes. Cookey. I know.

Look.

There's medical
mission. Azure Bay.

Oh, gawd blimey.

Come on.

Well, give us a push.

Watch it, there's a crocogator.

Wait, please. I get mission
orderly, Mr Gladstone.

Mr Gladstone.

- Mr Gladstone.
- Gladstone?

Big white doctor
from England come.

I was just breaking in
a new nurse. Showing

her where everything
is, where it goes.

- This Dr Kinky.
- Cookey.

No, no, I mean Nookey. I've been

sent out to take
over this mission.

They didn't tell me they
were sending anybody.

No, that's obvious.

Anyway, welcome to Azure Bay, doc.

May the fertility of Sumaca
swell your coconuts.

I beg your pardon?

It's a local greeting.
Nothing personal.

I'm the orderly here.
Screwer's the name.

Screwer?

Gladstone Screwer. They
just call me Gladstone.

I'm not altogether surprised.

- Well, may I come in?
- Oh, yes.

Katunga katunga. Chop chop.

Yargh. Ooh. Argh.

I'm sorry about that.
It's woodworm, you see.

You all right?

Yes, just a compound fracture.

Would you like to see the doctor?

No, I was only jok...

Doctor? You already
have a doctor here?

Not a proper one. Sort
of a local medicine man.

A witch doctor?

- What doctor?
- Witch doctor.

Yeah, witch doctor. Good for
witches but not for us.

Would you like to look
round the mission now?

Oh, no. Tomorrow
morning will do. All

I want now is to get a good sleep.

Oh, I see you've got a hammock.

I wouldn't use that...

Oh, well. He shouldn't
last too long.

- Good morning, Mr Gladstone.
- Morning.

Thank you.

Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?

No, I didn't. Those damn
mosquitoes made a meal out of me.

- We've got lots. It's the drains.
- What's wrong with them?

- We haven't got any.
- Why not?

Mrs Moore provides the money.
What do you do with it?

You know what it's
like. There's always

lots of medical supplies to buy.

It hasn't been spent
on decoration.

- Coffee, doc?
- Oh, thank you.

- Coconut?
- Er, no, I'll have it black.

Mm. Unusual flavour.

Yes, locally made... from beetles.

Beetles?

- Betel nuts, that is.
- Oh, that's better.

Very interesting. The
women roast the nuts,

crush 'em in their teeth, then
spit 'em out on mats to dry.

Fascinating.

I'm glad to know they've got good

drying weather. I've
only seen rain.

Ooh, it only rains for
nine months of the year.

Nine months.

We're in the pregnant belt.

What happens during the
other three months?

The hurricane period.

Great. Rain for nine months,
hurricanes for three.

That's why the natives call these
islands Allpiss N'Alfalfa.

- All rain and wind.
- Charming.

What time does this surgery open?

Any time you like, doc.
Nobody ever comes to it.

- What do you mean?
- They go to the native doctor.

They don't trust white
man's medicine.

What the hell do I do?

There's bags to do, doc. Swimming,

if you're not worried
about sharks.

The indoor sports are
popular. If you'd

like me to fix you up
with a bit of crum...

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

We've got a jigsaw
puzzle. It's good.

Queen Victoria and her
family. 500 pieces.

No, I'm wrong. 499. One
dropped down the whatsit.

If no one comes here for
treatment, what is the

good of spending all
this money on medicines?

I mean, look, there
is masses of it.

- Er...
- Just look at that. Ha.

Whisky? Where did that come from?

That? That came from an old wreck.

- What old wreck?
- The last doctor we had here.

This is ridiculous. Ridiculous.

I mean, just look at
this place. It's a...

Hospital?

Nothing in there. How
about some break...

I thought you said there
were no patients.

They're not exactly patients.

- What are they doing here, then?
- Well, they're my wives and kids.

- Your wives?
- Only these five here.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

There we are. There's...
Monday, Tuesday...

Wednesday... Thursday...

And last, but
definitely not least...

Friday.

- That's it.
- Well, I'll be damned.

No problem with what to
do with your spare time.

I don't know. There's not
much doing at the weekend.

I hope you don't mind
them stopping here, doc.

It's a pity not to
use the beds, and it

saves me a long walk
to the village.

Yes, and I can see you have to

conserve every ounce
of your strength.

It's a good skeleton. Did the
last doctor leave it here?

- That is the last doctor.
- That does it.

Call me in a couple of weeks.

If you last that long.

Ooh.

Twit.

It's just the place,
my dear. It'll

make a marvellous private clinic.

20 bedrooms. That attic
studio as an operating

theatre, and those
magnificent drawing rooms.

Suppose I put up the money.
What do I get out of it?

Oh, a partnership, my
dear. You know that.

Yes, but...

- I haven't said I'd buy yet.
- Oh, come. You did agree.

If I found a doctor
for your mission...

But I don't know
if he's all right.

I haven't heard from
them since he arrived.

Anything might be happening.

Breakfast, doc.

Good news. The rains have
stopped. The hurricanes are here.

Yes, I had noticed that.

Here, doc. Doc... why don't you go

home? This place
is no good to you.

Well, there's nothing to go
home for, is there, Gladstone?

Nobody loves me.

You'll go barmy if you stay here.

I've seen it happen.
My own father, for

instance. He came out
as a missionary.

Ah, but missionaries are good men.

People love them.

Oh, Gladstone, why do you
stay out here yourself?

Well, I was born here. I
don't know any different.

I get enough for my simple needs.

Yes, in the hospital?

Here, doc. A bit of that
wouldn't do you any harm.

Jigsaw puzzles are ok, but
they'll never replace the other.

I only want one woman.

One's enough to start
with, I suppose.

- I didn't mean that exactly.
- Just listen to me.

We have a bird here,
unattached. Beautiful.

I'd think about her myself, but
I'm doing a five-day week.

- No, no, no. No, thank you, no.
- Listen.

She'd do anything for
you, absolutely anything.

- Anything?
- Anything.

I could do with a bit... Hic.

Of help... with my jigsaw.

Attaboy, doc. Don't move.
I'll bring her in.

Scrubba.

Scrubba? That's a funny
name for a girl.

What's the matter? Don't you like?

Oh, no.

No, no, I mean...

It's just that she's...

Look, could we be alone
for a few moments?

Righto, doc, I'll be
back in a minute.

- No, not me and her, you and me.
- Oh.

Oh, I see. All right, then.

Tantanga boolat.

Something's bothering you, doc.

Well, it's just that...

Well, she's a charming
girl and all that,

but she's not quite
what I expected.

I see. She's not big
enough for you.

On the contrary, she
could well have

been the original
white man's burden.

I don't understand it. Out
here we like 'em big.

A woman's attraction is
judged by her... size.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm
quite certain her

mantelpiece is stuffed
with trophies.

But you see, where I come from,
we like them sort of more...

Just a minute.

See, more like that.

Straight?

Well, with a bit of a
wiggle here and there.

Preferably there.

If that's what you want, it's
easy enough. Just give us a week.

Oh, Gladstone, what's the point?

Oh, those damn drums.

Why do they keep
pounding like that?

Hang on.

Gladstone, where are
you going? Gladstone?

Gladstone, Gladstone.

- It can't be.
- What's wrong?

Manchester United 6...

Chelsea 1.

Arsenal 5...

Wolves nil.

Wait here.

- Is Mr Carver in?
- Yes, Mrs Moore.

- I'm afraid he's seeing someone.
- That's right. Me.

Now, take a deep breath and don't
breathe out until I say so.

Good. Now...

Oh, Ellen, my dear, how fortunate.

I've got the contract for
the house for you to sign.

Never mind that.
Take a look at this.

What's this? Gladstone Screwer?

The orderly of the medical
mission. Read it.

"Dear Madam, it is
with great regret

that I write to inform
you of the disgraceful

behaviour of your new Dr Nookey.

Since coming here,
he's done nothing

but drink whisky
and debauch women.

Unless he's recalled, both
items will soon be exhausted.

Whilst doing this, he's
been neglecting his duties,

and all around him the natives
are dying like flies."

- Flies?
- Flies, yes. It says flies.

What's wrong with him?

It's all right. You
can breathe out now.

Lopus hystericum.

I knew something was going
on. I had a premonition.

- I don't know what to do.
- Then think of something.

I'll write him a stiff
letter. On cardboard.

It's no joke, Frederick. You'll
have to find another doctor.

I had enough trouble
getting him out there.

Well, then, you can
tear up this contract.

No, wait.

I'll fly out there myself.
Right away. How about that?

Very well, then. So long
as it is right away.

Doc. Hey, Dr Nookey.

- Is that Goldie?
- No, it's me. Gladstone.

I've brought that bird
back. Remember? Scrubba?

Oh, no.

You'll like her now. I'll
bring her in. Scrubba.

- Tipita katunga.
- Look, no, no, no.

I told you last week.
All I want is...

- Is that the same girl?
- Of course.

But last week she was as
big as a... With the...

But now look... How did she do it?

- Her doctor gave her some stuff.
- Medicine?

- Yeah. It's easy enough.
- Easy enough?

I know women back home
who'd give a fortune

for that sort of stuff. A fortune.

- That is it.
- You all right, doc?

Fine. Gladstone, how
does he make that stuff?

A little juice from the banyan
tree, powdered parrot droppings,

- a little gnats' milk.
- Do you think I could make it?

Oh, no. There's an art to it. Have
you ever tried to milk a gnat?

All right. But if
I were to pay for

it, would he give it to me then?

Pay?

Yes. You know,
money, ackers, gelt.

How about a hundred English
cigarettes a bottle?

- Cigarettes?
- That's the usual currency here.

Two hundred, if you like.

Two hundred? It's a deal.

Here we are. Twice daily for a
week, injected. Cigarettes first.

Oh, no. I know you. I'll
give them to him myself.

Then I can make certain
of a regular supply.

Let me tell you something.
That doctor is me.

You?

- Yeah.
- Him. I might have known it.

There we are. There'll
be plenty more

coming, so get out
your milking stool.

She wants to know if she can do
something to please you now.

Oh, no...

Yes. Yes, there is.

What?

She can help me pack.
I'm going back home.

Thank you, George. I shall be
going back to the clinic at 12.

Doctor.

There he is.

Doctor, Doctor...

Thank you, Miss
Filkington-Battermore.

- Deirdre.
- Oh... Deirdre.

I don't know what I'd
have done without you.

I do feel one should do everything
one can to please one's employer.

I mean, when one doesn't do all
that silly typing and shorthand,

one has to make up for it
in other ways, doesn't one?

Well, I expect so, yes.

Well, I suppose it's about
time we got down to it.

Anything you say, Doctor.

I'm ready.

Oh, no. I meant to go
through the letters.

Oh.

I do feel I should point out
that I like my employers

to make their needs
absolutely clear, Doctor.

Well, now...

Are these all... Are these all
applications for treatment?

Yes, Doctor.

Now, what time's my
first appointment?

In ten minutes, Doctor.

So, if there's anything
else you want...

Well, as a matter of fact, I would

like to have a look at my paper.

It's there for you, Doctor.

Oh, yes, I know it is.

Oh, the paper. Oh,
Thank you very much.

What's this? "Well-known
surgeon saved"?

"Mr Frederick Carver,
eminent British surgeon,

boarding a plane last
night for England.

Mr Carver was one of the survivors
of the schooner Bellavista,

which foundered in a hurricane off
the Beatific Isles last Sunday."

Keep the change.

Mr Carver, sir.

Welcome back. How nice to
see you looking so well.

Yes, never mind all that.
Where's Dr Nookey?

- Where is he?
- He's not been back here.

Not been back? What do you mean...

Oh...

Be off with you now. There are
no beds here for vagrants.

Vagrants? Who's that?

The new matron, sir.

The new matron? What
happened to Miss Soaper?

She left three months ago.

Left? Why? What's going on around
here? Where's Dr Stoppidge?

Oh, he'll be in his...
in your office, sir.

In my office... indeed.

Hello, sir. I didn't
know you were back.

Obviously you didn't.
And what are you

doing lolling about in my office?

Sorry, sir. They asked me to
take over while you were away.

We didn't know if you
were coming back.

I very nearly didn't.

I can't say I blame
you, sir. All those

dusky island beauties.
Pretty hot stuff.

You don't seem to realise
what I've been through.

I was three months on
that wretched island. All

of them in bed, trying
to stop them scratching.

Really? I'd no idea they
were so passionate.

They had chickenpox, you
fool, and so did I.

Surely you must
have had it before.

No, I've never had it.
Never had it. I've

never had it. Never
had time to have it.

When I did get off the wretched
island, the boat sank.

- How awful.
- You know who's responsible?

Nookey. By the time
I've finished with

him, he'll never
practise medicine again.

He'll be lucky to get
a job curing kippers.

Oh.

- Then you hadn't heard, sir.
- Heard what?

It seems he's on the way
to making a fortune.

What?

He's made a wonderful
new discovery

for curing chronic overweight.

Rubbish. He couldn't
discover a soft cushion

as a cure for a boil
on the backside.

It's true, sir. It's
been in the papers.

Fancy consulting
rooms, new country

clinic, more clinics to follow.

Impossible. Where would he
get the money for all that?

He's gone into partnership with
that wealthy widow. Mrs Moore.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid so, sir.
There's a picture of

their new clinic in
last month's journal.

That's the place she was
going to buy for me.

He must be making a
blooming fortune.

Gladstone, we'll have
to get in on this.

Saturday.

Oi, Saturday.

Yes, dear. Did you call?

Yes, I'm going to
have to take a trip.

That's nice.

Would you like me to come?

No, you stay here. The
rest'll do you good.

"Come unto us all you
who are heavy laden."

In the first three months of
business, we've cleared £10,000.

Marvellous. So that's
what they mean

by living off the fat of the land?

Jim, I'm so glad you
came to me with this.

I feel it was fated, you
see us to get together.

Now, Ellen, we must keep this
purely on a business partnership.

Oh, I mean business, believe me.

Yes, well, er...

- About these clinics...
- Jim, I've decided...

I want to have it off.

What?

I want you to book
me in for the cure.

Oh... oh, that.

Yes, well... How
about next Monday?

The stuff should've
arrived by then.

Stuff? What stuff?

Oh, it doesn't mean
anything to you,

but I have to use
certain things in my

serum, and I have to
order them from abroad.

They haven't come?

Not this month. I've
sent an urgent cable.

Come in.

Excuse me, Doctor.
Mr Carver's here.

- Frederick?
- This looks like trouble.

He was furious when he arrived.

When he saw I was working
here, he almost blew his top.

Surely you're not afraid
of Frederick, are you?

Me?

- Yes.
- Why?

Because of me, he spent
three months on the island.

You just leave it
to me. Tact, that's

all it needs. Tact
and understanding.

Well, well, well.

Talk about bad pennies turning up.

Traitress, Jezebel,
viper in my bosom.

Now, now. We'll have none of that

filthy talk here,
if you don't mind.

What have you done to me? This
place was to be my dream.

A temple dedicated
to advanced surgery.

What have you turned it into?
A lard-removing factory.

How dare you talk like that? Jim
is doing wonderful work here.

Oh, it's Jim now, is it?

He's taken away my clinic and half
my staff, and he's after you too.

He's madder than I thought.

Dr Nookey and I enjoy a
purely business relationship.

That is, he enjoys it.
I can't say I do.

You won't enjoy it much
longer. I'll make it

my business to expose
him for the fake he is.

You're always exposing something.

How do you know it's a fake? You

haven't even seen
what he's doing yet.

I don't need to. I've seen enough.

"Come unto me all you
who are heavy laden."

Disgusting.

Do you want to see
the place or not?

I may as well, now I'm here.

- I'll show you the befores first.
- The what?

The befores. The clinic is
divided into two sections,

before... and after.

Good grief. He gets
worse and worse.

If he asks, tell him I've gone
to town for a year or two.

Yes, Doctor.

Dr Nookey.

Ah, Dr Nookey, I wanted
a word with you.

Yes. I know what a
mess I got you into

over that mission
business. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about that.
It was entirely my fault

for sending you out there
in the first place.

A waste of a very valuable talent.

You're doing a wonderful job here.

Really wonderful. Excellent

results. How do you
actually do it?

Well, it's just an
injection. A serum, sir.

- A serum? Really. What's in it?
- A hundred guineas a week.

No, I didn't mean that...

A hundred guineas?
That is interesting.

Well, naturally, the
formula is a secret.

Oh, naturally. You
don't want every Tom,

Dick and Harry trying
to cash in on it.

Just a select few distinguished
members of the medical profession.

We don't need any more partners,
if that's what you mean.

No, no, of course you don't.
I'll be getting along.

Carry on the good work, Dr Nookey.
You have my fullest support.

- Blimey, what's up with him?
- You mean, what's he up to?

It must be something he picked
up in the Beatific Islands.

Natural Diseases And
Their Remedies.

Ancient Tribal Medicine. Possible.

The Arts Of The Witch Doctor. Yes.

I mean, Nookey goes out there
a stupid, ignorant idiot,

and within three months he comes
back a productive genius.

I must find out what his cure is.

The way to do that is to
get someone in his clinic.

- But who? Who could I trust?
- Me.

Don't be silly. He knows you.

Yes, of course. In
any case, they're

only taking in women
at the moment.

Yes.

Yes. He'd never suspect
a woman, would he?

No, of course he wouldn't.

But who would you get
to be the woman?

Come in.

Oh, Doctor, Miss Madder arrived
this morning. She's in her room.

- Madder?
- Melody Madder.

Oh, the film star from
Italy. I remember now.

All right, I'll see her. Could
you get the scales ready?

By the way, I had a
call from Mr Carver.

He's bringing a friend in for
treatment. A Lady Puddleton.

We're full.

I couldn't very well refuse him.
I owe the old basket a favour.

I'll talk them out of
it when they get here.

Nobody will get any
treatment if Gladstone

doesn't come through
with some stuff soon.

I don't understand. What
the devil's he up to?

- Eight and six, guv.
- Eight and six?

Eight and six... That's
about thirty-three, innit?

Thirty-three?

There we are.

That's for you.

Here, wait a minute.

Come in.

Doctor, Miss Madder's here.

Be with you in a moment. If you'd
like to take your clothes off.

Same old Jim.

Goldie.

Goldie.

Yeah, it's me all right.
Don't you like it?

Yes, yes, I do,
but... Melody Madder?

Don't blame me. That
was the studio's idea.

Still, it's better than
Goldie Locks. Or is it?

But this is ridiculous.
Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I don't know. I wasn't sure
I wanted to see you again,

and, well, then the
studio said I had

to get weight off, and here I am.

You must be joking. You expect me

to sabotage such a
gorgeous figure?

Yeah, well, it may be gorgeous
to you, but it's unfashionable.

In case you hadn't noticed, these

days the bone has
replaced the boobs.

Anyway, you're not
going back to Italy.

You're going to stay
here... with me.

No, Jim, I've waited
too long for this.

And I've waited too long, too.

Now, now, you stay
away from me, Jim.

No, I don't want to.

You won't get away
from me again, Goldie.

- Do you mind?
- As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I do.

How about it, then?

Who are you? What
are you doing here?

Screwer's the name.
Gladstone Screwer.

Gladstone...

Oh, well, I'm the matron
here. My name's Miss Soaper.

Soaper? I don't like that much.
I know, I'll call you Sunday.

Well, I won't be in.

Come and see Dr Nookey.
He's been rather

worried about you.
This way, please.

Argh.

This way.

Gladstone.

Well, well, doc, that's
a new one on me.

What are you doing here?

That's the one you
were telling me about.

The flat one with the
bit of here-and-there.

Is that how you refer to me?

No, not exactly. Look,
I'll explain later.

Matron, take Miss Madder
to her room, please.

Be a good girl.

Why are you here? And why haven't
you sent that stuff this month?

Stuff? Oh, that stuff you
were so clever to discover.

Oh, well, that wasn't my idea...
you know what newspapers are like.

Yes, big pieces of paper
with print on them.

Yes, but why didn't you send it?

I thought I'd bring
it myself and see the

famous clinic that's
making lots of money.

You brought it. Gladstone, I
knew you wouldn't let me down.

But you didn't have to go to
all that trouble to bring it.

It was no trouble at
all. I enjoyed the trip.

Well, I won't delay you. You'll
want to enjoy the trip back.

No, no rush. I thought I'd
stay for a little while.

No, you can't do that. No,
you see, you'd hate it.

There's nothing here. And I don't
suppose you brought your wives?

I've only got one
left now. Saturday.

Miss Fosdick, old
Carver's secretary.

She stayed. Made me get
rid of the others.

Said she hadn't come all that
way to start queuing. Whisky?

No, thanks. About this stuff...

We ought to drink to
our new partnership.

Partnership?

You know, when you split
everything fifty-fifty.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Gladstone.

I've got a partner
already, you see.

But I would be more than happy
to increase the payments.

Shall we say king-size cigarettes?

I'd rather have half the money
and I'll buy my own smokes.

I'm afraid I can't
do that, Gladstone.

Think it over. I'm
sure you'll agree.

So, you won't let me have
the stuff unless I do.

Oh, I didn't say that. I wouldn't
do a rotten thing like that.

Hang on... That's the one.

Thank you, but I want it
understood, no partnership.

We'll see tomorrow.

Hey, hey, hey. It looks a
bit thicker than usual.

Yes, at this time of year, the
gnats' milk gets a bit rich.

Come in.

Excuse me. I think you ought to
know Mr Carver's just driven up.

Oh, he came out our way.
I'd like to see him again.

Oh, no, you mustn't. It's not the
same Carver. It's another bloke.

You sit and enjoy your drink.

Matron was wondering if you'd
like to go to her room with her.

It's a bit early, but I'll
just finish my drink.

No, now. She can't wait for it.

I mean, for you to
finish the drink.

This way, Mr Gladstone, and down
the corridor. Please hurry.

I've heard of "swinging Britain,"
but this is ridiculous.

Try and keep him here
till Carver's gone.

Yes. This way.

- Oh, it's you, sir. Do come in.
- Thank you.

I have a rather important patient.

Come this way, Lady
Puddleton. Don't be shy.

We've no room.

I'd be grateful if you'd take her.

It means quite a lot to me, and
she is very distinguished.

Ah, this is Dr Nookey, my dear.

- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.

You can see her Ladyship's
trouble. She is top-heavy.

Definitely. The top is heavy.

It is heavy. It interferes
with her riding.

Gets in the way of
the horse's head.

Can't see where you're
going, can you?

No, poor thing. I hope you'll
start the treatment right away.

Actually, we're full
up at the moment,

so if you don't
mind sharing a room

with someone else...

Oh, no. As long as
it's with another man.

I beg your pardon?

No, no, your Ladyship.
You can't do that here.

You know the trouble
with these country folk,

off the horse and on the job.

Well, I'll leave you
with Dr Nookey.

Thank you very much. Dr Nookey.

- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.
- Wait.

I can't share with a woman.
What about undressing?

You're a doctor. She'll have
nothing to surprise you.

No, but I'll have something
to surprise her.

I'll come back late tonight
to see how you're getting on.

And we can leave together
if you've already had it.

Had it? Had what?

The treatment, you fool.

Anyway, don't worry, my dear. Dr
Nookey will take good care of you.

Won't you, Doctor?

Of course. She'll be
all right with me.

Thank you so much.

Now, you must try to
relax, Lady Puddleton.

As soon as you've met
the other girls...

Dr Nookey. Dr Nookey. I
must talk to you at once.

Oh, well, very well, Matron.
In my office, please.

Would you excuse me,
Lady Puddleton?

I won't be a moment.
Just sit down.

Thank you.

You needn't wait, Doctor,
I'm quite all right.

Funny woman. Funny woman.

Well, Matron, what's your problem?

I'm sorry, Doctor, but I cannot
stay with that man any longer.

That's all right.
Carver's gone now.

- Why, what happened?
- I'd rather not say.

All he seems to think
about is whisky and sex.

Where he comes from,
they can't get soda.

- That's not funny, Doctor.
- No.

You shouldn't have him
here with all these women.

That's all right. I aim to get
rid of him as soon as I can.

But there's something that's
worrying me even more.

- What's that?
- That Lady Puddleton.

I don't know what
it is, but there is

something very peculiar about her.

It's old Stoppidge.
Well, I'll be damned.

So that's what they're up to?

What a dirty trick. Fancy
Mr Carver doing that.

You'll get rid of him
at once, of course.

Yes... No.

No, he's come for the treatment
and he's going to get it.

The full treatment.

This is our chance
to teach him and

Gladstone a lesson they
will never forget.

- Oh, there you are, Gladstone.
- Hello, doc.

Hello, Nurse.

Look, we're full up at the
moment, as I told you,

but Matron here has
very kindly said

that you can sleep
in her room tonight.

That's what I call
real hospitality.

I am moving in with Nurse Trumper.

What's the matter
with her? Frigid?

You'll find that the
women over here

aren't quite so
uninhibited, Gladstone.

What about this submissive
society I heard about?

As a matter of fact,
there is one woman

here who definitely fancies you.

- Only one?
- Well, this'll be enough.

- Her name's Lady Puddleton.
- Oh?

Tallish woman.
Hatchet... thin-faced.

With glasses.

Oh, yes, yes. I saw her.
The one with the big...

That's him... her. Not
much to look at, mind you.

We don't bother much
about looks where

I come from. The
nights are very dark.

Oh, Lady Puddleton, I don't
think you've met Mrs Moore.

- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.

You'll be sharing her room.

I believe we have a mutual friend,
Lady Puddleton, Mr Carver.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Such a charming man. A
trifle slow perhaps.

- Have you known him long?
- Rather.

We roomed together
at medical school.

Good evening, ladies.

Well. I'm pleased to tell you
that your big moment has arrived.

As soon as you're all
in bed, I shall be

round to give you
your first injection.

Right, off you go, ladies.

Oh, come along, dear.

Except Miss Madder and
Lady Puddleton, that is.

Don't try and stop me. I'm
definitely having that treatment.

I'm not trying to
stop you, but you and

Lady Puddleton have
yet to be weighed.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

So if you'd both go
to my office with

Matron and do it now.
Stripped, of course.

- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- Er... Doctor...

I can't possibly undress
in front of other people.

Oh, and why not?

Well, you see, I've got...

Yes, you have, haven't you?

Never mind, nobody's
going to look. After

all, it's all girls
together, isn't it?

Come on.

Your tyres are a bit flat.
Let's see the rest of you.

Ah, Gladstone. I
don't think you've

met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

See you later. Matron's room.

- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- No, I'm going straight to bed.

No, darling, do what the
doctor says first. I can wait.

In you go, Lady Puddleton.

Argh.

Blimey, she can't wait.

Good evening, miss. Don't worry,
it's just a little prick.

Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your
Ladyship. I never had one myself.

I always sleep in
the raw, you know.

My husband preferred it that
way. He was a very active man.

I wonder if you'd mind
unhooking this for me.

Oh, thank you so much.
It's nice to think we

shan't be needing these
things much longer.

Come in.

Well, well, and how are
we getting on, then?

Oh, like a house on
fire, aren't we, dear?

That's fine, that's
fine. I bet you

girls will have
plenty to talk about.

- Now, who's first?
- Oh, me. Where do you have it?

- Face down on the bed, please.
- Oh, there.

Right, hold still, now.

Right, now it's your
turn... Lady Puddleton.

Right, thank you, Matron.

No. No. I can't have it there.

We like to put it in a place where
it won't be seen, your Ladyship.

Well, I'll have it
in my arm, then.

I always keep that well covered.

Very well, if you wish.

Might I ask what is in the serum?

Most certainly.

Let's see, there's
banyan tree juice,

powdered parrot droppings
and gnats' milk.

Ow.

Course, I can't tell you
the proportions. Secret.

Right, well, good night,
ladies, and sleep tight.

I'd love to watch
those two for the

rest of the night.
Is that all, then?

Only Miss Madder left now, Doctor.

Oh, well, I'll see to her, Matron.

Yes, Doctor.

- Good night, Doctor.
- And you, Matron.

Come in.

- Good evening, Miss Madder.
- Good evening, Doctor.

Time for your injection. That is,
if you still want to have it.

I can't think of anything
else I'd rather have.

Right. Turn over, please.

I'll need your nightie pulled up.

Go ahead. I'm sure you've had
plenty of practise at doing that.

All right.

Look, are you absolutely
sure you want me to...

Absolutely.

All right, then.

Good night and good luck.

Come right in, darling,
everything's Rea...

- Oh, it's you.
- Yes.

I'm sorry to disappoint
you, Mr Screwer,

but I require some nightclothes.

Help yourself.

You don't have to move
out. It's a big bed.

As I told you earlier today,
I'm not your sort of woman.

I don't mean anything nasty.
I'll marry you first.

Are you mad?

Marry me in the
middle of the night?

Where I come from, it's
a simple ceremony.

We just make a quick cut in
each other's left hands,

put them together, say "we
are one" and it's legal.

Oh, I see.

Sort of... instant wedlock.

Out there they call it
a bleeding ceremony.

Yes, they often call
it that here, too.

- Right, you ready, then?
- No.

No, I have no urge to marry you.

Oh, don't worry about that.
The urge comes later.

No. Thank you, but no.

Ok. You'll feel different
when I'm a partner here.

Fortunately, that is something
you will never be, Mr Screwer.

No?

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

There. Oh, that's better.

I er... I wonder if you'd mind
rubbing some talc on my back.

I'm ready, dear.

Oh, sir. Thank
goodness you're here.

- What's happened?
- Nothing yet.

- Have you had it?
- Up to the neck.

- The treatment, you fool.
- I've had the lot.

Quick, in here.

Well, what is it?

It's an injection.

Yes, but do you know what's in it?

- Yes, he told me.
- That's marvellous. What is it?

Now, let me see... Er...
it's banyan tree juice,

powdered parrots' milk
and gnats' droppings.

What?

It could be the other way around.

- Are you being funny?
- That's what he said.

You fool. He was having you on.

Well, I'll show him.

Listen, next time
you have to have an

injection, you must pinch
some of the stuff.

Oh, no, there is not going to be
a next. I'm not staying here.

But you must.

I can't. It's bad enough
having to sleep with a woman,

but there's a horrible
man chasing me as well.

Don't be ridiculous. What man in
his right mind would do that?

Do you mind? He's invited me
to go to his room tonight.

He must be mad. Who is
he? What's his name?

Oh, it's Gladstone or something.

Gladstone?

Oh, it's all making sense.

Not to me.

Oh, it's marvellous. And he wants
you to go to his room tonight?

- Yes.
- Off you go, then.

All right.

Go on. I'll be out here if
you get into any trouble.

Who is it?

Well...

I'd almost given you up.

- I can't stay very long.
- As long as it's long enough.

I still feel a bit weak
after the injections.

Come and lie down on the bed.

- I wonder what's in it.
- What, the bed?

- No, silly, the injections.
- Who cares?

I bet you know, a
clever man like you.

Maybe.

Do tell me. I'm dying to know.

I'll have to get to know
you a bit better first.

- What are you doing?
- We have to get married first.

What?

Doesn't hurt much,
just a quick slash.

I don't want a quick... I
don't want to get married.

Suit yourself. Only don't come
complaining to me afterwards.

- You mustn't.
- Ooh, playing hard to get.

Come here.

- You little tease. Come here.
- No, listen...

- Come here, come on.
- Aargh.

Hello?

Oh, blimey. It couldn't have been.

It was. Dr Nookey.

Dr Nookey. Dr Nookey.

Dr Nookey, where are you?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Doctor.

No good. In here, quick.

Dr Nookey.

All right, what's wrong?
What's the matter?

- That woman, Lady Piddleton...
- Puddleton.

- She's a fella.
- I know. How did you find out?

- I'd hate to tell you.
- Where is she now?

- She went through there.
- It's time we had a talk.

Look, the serum. Just what
we've been looking for.

- Serum?
- Yeah.

Well, what's in it?

Search me. It might as
well be gnats' milk.

You try it. You've done analysis.

- Yes.
- Peurgh.

No, put some on your
tongue. Taste it.

Aha.

So that's your little game.

I'll trouble you for
that bottle, sir.

No, Nookey, I'm keeping this.

The Medical Council
will be interested in

this-Dr Nookey's
brilliant discovery.

Just a minute. Can't
we talk this over?

There's nothing to
talk over, unless

you're offering me a partnership.

- I've already got a partner.
- Yes, but I've got the stuff.

Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.

You mean this isn't the
weight-reducing serum?

No, that stuff does
something very queer.

Well, what does it do?

You're just about to find out.

- A sex change?
- Good gracious.

Bye.

Well, how about a
kiss, Mrs Nookey?

You didn't have a very
close shave this morning.

Don't worry, darling, I
will before tonight.

Bye-bye.