All language subtitles for Little.Italy.2018.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-FGT

Improved By: FidelPerez
Subtitle By: explosiveskull
Sub Upload Date: September 22, 2018

(♫ "PAPA LOVES MAMBO"
BY PERRY COMO PLAYING ♫)

♫ Uh! ♫

♫ Uh! ♫

♫ Papa loves mambo ♫

♫ Mama loves mambo ♫

♫ Look at 'em sway with it
Gettin' so gay with it ♫

♫ Shoutin' ole with it, wow! ♫

MAN: If you were to grow up
in the best of all places...

- WOMAN: It would be our Little Italy.
- (SNORING)

We had the perfect childhood.

MAN: Well, maybe some would
say we weren't so perfect.

WOMAN: Him, for instance.

- MAN: Yeah, definitely him.
- (WOMAN CHUCKLING)

BOTH: (WHISPERING)
Ready, set, go!

WOMAN: God, we were such
little shits, weren't we?

(KIDS GASPING)

- MAN: Poor Mr. Ganucci.
- (MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING)

- ♫ He goes left ♫
- MAN: Let's go!

- ♫ And she goes right ♫
- (HOLLERING)

- Woo! Ha-ha!
- Let's go, Leo!

- He's gonna get us!
- See you, Mr. Ganucci!

I'm gonna feed you to the worms!

LEO: To us, Little Italy
wasn't just a few city blocks.

Hi, Mr. Patelli.

- Hey, kids.
- Hey, Mario.

WOMAN: It was our
entire world. We knew everyone.

LEO: And everyone knew us.

♫ Papa loves mambo ♫

LEO: Nikki, even back then,
you had a reputation.

- NIKKI: What?
- As being super competitive!

- NIKKI: Excuse me!
- You always wanted to beat me.

- Come on. Show me what you got.
- NIKKI: I did beat you.

- LEO: When I let you.
- Seriously?

- WOMAN: See? I won.
- Won what? A concussion?

Nikki! Are you okay?

I love that I can
beat you, stupido.

Yeah, yeah.
I know you do, stupida.

Come on.

- NIKKI: Wanna race me now?
- Ha!

- MAN: Hey!
- CROWD: (CHANTING) Hey! Hey!

LEO: So, being Italian
is about three things,

- tradition...
- NIKKI: Passion...

- LEO: And pride.
- And we were raised on all of it.

Leo, do you wanna dance with me?

Not in a million years.

After a week of great food
and festivities, tomorrow,

for the first time ever,

we're gonna announce the winner
of Little Italy's best pizza!

- That's right!
- By our two celebrity judges...

TOGETHER: Us!

So, venite tutti.
Come on down, everyone!

- Join in!
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

LEO: And here it is,

Little Italy's pride and joy...

- LEO & NIKKI: Pizza Napoli.
- Slow down!

NIKKI: Where our families
made the best pizza

- in the world.
- Look out!

LEO: It was always
full of love and chaos.

NIKKI: But delicious chaos.

Okay! I got one large pepperoni,
two regular slices...

NIKKI: Our fathers
were best friends.

- LEO: Sometimes.
- (NIKKI SCOFFING)

How we doin', Ma?

NIKKI: See the good-looking
guy there, tasting the sauce?

That's my pa, Salvatore Angioli,

the maestro of marinara.

LEO: And the guy spinning?
My pa, Vincenzo Campoli,

- the don of dough.
- Really? "The don"?

- That is such a stereotype.
- LEO: No, no. It's poetic.

Hey, Vince! How do you get your
crust to be so thin and crispy?

Well, Mikey,
that's a family secret.

And the secret is,

two teaspoons of nunya!

"Nunya"? What's nunya?

It's nunya business, Mikey!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Mikey, what about my
mother's special sauce?

- Huh?
- Mama Angi, what's your secret?

Every time I make the sauce,

I say three Hail Mary.

- I love that woman.
- Ha-ha! See? From God above

this sauce comes.
Mangiare, everybody! Mangiare!

(♫ "AL DI LA"
BY EMILIO PERICOLI PLAYING ♫)

♫ And the kiss that I gave ♫

- Stop it!
- ♫ Was the love that I saved ♫

Stop! You have hungry customers
and pizza to make!

♫ For a lifetime ♫
I got love to make.

- Let these people wait a little.
- Yeah, save that for later.

- All right?
- Not in front of the kids.

How do you think
the kids got here?

Well, I know that,
but they don't know that.

NIKKI: My parents.

Every day,
they danced to Al di là.

LEO: And so did they.

(LAUGHING)

That's enough.

Were you playing in a pigsty?

- I won.
- I let her.

- Did not.
- Did, too.

- Go get clean.
- My daughter's a champion goalie!

Yeah, and her father
won't stop bragging about it.

Ah, shut up.

- Nah, you shut up.
- Hey, Leo. Leo.

Go see Nonno
make the dough. Leo!

- I got a call from Mr. Ganucci.
- It was Nikki.

- Why did he say that?
- Leo, wash your hands.

Okay, Nonno.

Don't skimp on the cheese.
Don't skimp!

Take a shot at it.

Gently. Gentle.

The thing is
you gotta treat it like

it's a beautiful lady.

LEO: My grandfather,
my nonno, he's all charm.

Someday, you're gonna
thank me for that.

NIKKI: Too bad he didn't
pass it along.

Nicoletta, squeeze the love
out of every tomato

like it was the last...

No! Too... too... too hard.
Too hard.

You can't force love.

Never squeeze the love
out of a man's heart.

If he don't give it freely,
you don't want it.

NIKKI: Nonna knows.

♫ Al di là ♫

What does "al di là" mean?

Beyond everything...

there's you.

(GAGGING)

NIKKI:
God, I was so moony over you!

What was wrong with me?

LEO: What can I say?
I'm irresistible.

♫ The love that I saved
For a lifetime ♫

- I won!
- I won.

- Unbelievable. Come on.
- Thank you.

Come on, pal.
I'll buy you a beer at Luigi's.

Oh, no. No, Sal. Tomorrow.
The contest is tomorrow.

What are you worried about?
My sauce, your crust,

- we're unbeatable!
- Our husbands, huh?

- Like an old married couple.
- Which one wears the pants?

- We do.
- I heard that.

I'm going to church
to light a candle for the boys.

Thank you, Ma.

- A winning candle.
- May I join you, signora?

- Si.
- Grazie.

NIKKI: Life was perfect.

LEO: And our families
were inseparable.

NIKKI: I mean, how could a bond
this strong ever be broken?

LEO: I have no idea!

But... that was then.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

NIKKI: And this is now.

I went away.

- LEO: Yeah, more like ran away.
- From you.

- LEO: Hey, wait a minute!
- Okay, we'll get to that later.

Actually, I went
to learn how to cook...

like, four Michelin stars cook,
from the Chef Corrine.

Picture Gordon Ramsay
but prettier.

The only thing sharper than
your knives are your senses.

Anything less than perfection
is what?

- ALL TOGETHER: Failure, Chef.
- NIKKI: And scarier.

Limp,

like my last husband.

(UNTENSIL CLATTERING)

Oil is a garnish.

You've used so much, the US
Army will invade the plate.

- You are a what?
- Moron sandwich.

- No. I can't hear you.
- Moron sandwich!

(SIGHS) Pathetic.

Nicole. Gareth.

Collect your things
and see me in my office.

The rest of you,

class is dismissed.
I expect everything

- to be spotless in the morning.
- ALL TOGETHER: Yes, Chef.

CORRINE: This'll be quick.
I'll get right to the point.

I think you're both
done here now.

- No, I can do better, Chef. Please.
- No, Chef! Please.

Oh, stop whining, you ninnies!

I'm opening up
a new place in Mayfair.

Something millennial-friendly.

Trendy, fast and very expensive.

Well, that's the perfect
complement to your brand, Chef.

Fast, casual.
It's brilliant, chef.

Enough with the ass-kissing!

I know you both would kill
to work there, so...

I'm planning on hiring...

one of you.

You'll each have two weeks

in which to come up
with a completely new menu.

Wow me,

then you and your winning menu
will be the toast of Mayfair.

Don't just stand there
looking gobsmacked.

You won't be disappointed, Chef.

- Thank you.
- Oh, Nicole.

If you want the job,
you're going to have

to have your visa
changed from student

- to work at once.
- Yes, Chef.

And that means you're going
to have to go back to Canada.

- I have to go home?
- Oh, I know. I feel your pain,

but it'll only be
for a week or two.

Oh, don't forget
to pack your mukluks,

or whatnot.

NIKKI: Probably the last place
I wanted to go back to was...

LEO: Little Italy.

Our Little Italy.

- Hey, Carlo.
- Hey! Ciao, ciao!

All right. You ready?

In the net! There it is.

All right, guys. I gotta take off.
I'll see you next week.

NIKKI: Where nothing changes.

- Hey, Bruno. What's up, man?
- Hey, Leo! Come on by.

- Looks good this year.
- And yet, everything is different.

You see, our fathers,
they had a fight.

NIKKI: A fight?
It was more like a war.

- LEO: Yeah, a pizza war.
- My dad moved his shop...

LEO: ...all the way next door.

And since then, our families haven't
exactly been on speaking terms.

NIKKI: Technically.
They still swear at each other

- with occasional hand gestures.
- Hey, Leo.

Hey there. You know, we deliver.

I bet he does.

Disgrazia!

Again?

Hey!

Seriously?

LEO: And it all started the day that
they won the best pizza contest.

NIKKI: And why they fought,
they've never said.

LEO: Pop swears
he'll take it to the grave.

NIKKI: Mine, too.

(DOOR BELL JINGLING)

(♫ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO ♫)

- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Leo.

Hey, how come the only thing
my son's good at is being late?

Miss Rossini asked me to help
her move some furniture.

The bed? Or the couch?

Or perhaps the kitchen table?

- Jogi!
- (UTENSIL CLATTERS)

That is not our trash.

You take that trash and you
throw it in the dumpster of...

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!

- You got it, Boss!
- Guy over there wants

a pizza Margherita
with no sauce.

No sauce? Why?
What's wrong with my sauce?

Nothing. That's what he wants.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

Four eyes! Why don't you
take your one good eye

and go next door, look for
the naked pizza over there?

Go to that bottega,
see what he gives you!

His sauce is no good anyway,
you pervert!

You want naked pizza?
Get out of here!

Go on! Get out of here!

Che fai? We're going broke and
you're yelling at the customers?

You gotta get
with the times, Pa.

I mean, people today,
they want some variety,

health-conscious toppings

or paper-thin, you know,
square slices.

There's just so much
that we could do!

Are you hearing this?

Your grandson, he wants to make
square pizza for hippies.

Hippies are back? I liked them.

Those girls? They burn bras.

No, not hippies.
Hipsters, Nonno.

Millennials. And you know
what else wouldn't hurt?

If we got online and like,
did an app or something.

I mean, we gotta get business
flowing in here again like,

you know, back in the good old
days when you and Sal...

Hey! My vangina!

- You said his name!
- Angina.

And your heart is on this side.

Nobody tells me
where my heart is.

Excuse me.
Will my pizza be long?

No. No. Your pizza
will be round,

covered with sauce
and cheese on it.

Welcome to Vince's!

Come for the pizza,

stay for the abuse.

- I'm taking a walk.
- I'll join you.

- I'm going to Sal's.
- Hey, hey! Leo, Leo!

You gotta stay late tonight
'cause the place needs a cleanup.

No, I can't, Pa.

I gotta work
my shift at Luigi's.

You ought to be working here,

not tending bar over in that
dive for that Luigi character.

He's no Neapolitan.

Let's face it, Pa.
You can't pay me enough,

and this way, I get free rent.
It's a win-win.

Honey, you can come back home
any time you like.

You just make sure
that those puttanellis

don't climb through the window.
You know why?

'Cause God
made you too gorgeous.

I love you. I'll see you, Pa.

- Where's that mouth been?
- Meh.

That's your son.

- My vangina.
- Agh!

LEO: I don't know, Jogi. You
really think you're ready for this?

Oh, yes, sir!
I am ready, Mr. Leo.

I would give my left testicle
to deliver pizza Leo-style.

All right.
I gotta warn you, though.

The ladies at this address...

- they're wild.
- Oh!

Okay? So just promise me
you'll be careful, yeah?

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- All right, here. Take it.

Thank you, Mr. Leo!

- Shh. Shh.
- Knock yourself out, yeah?

Oh, I will be knocking.

Hard! Heh-heh.

WOMAN: Jogi!

- (SHRIEKING)
- Next time I see you on Sal's territory,

I'll squash you like
a malaria mosquito in Mumbai.

(SCOOTER REVS)

They say Karma is a real bitch.

Are the two of you related? Hmm?

- Jessie, are you out?
- Coming, Boss!

Just taking out the trash.

Don't forget the trash
that comes out

- of that mouth of yours!
- Hey! Get out!

Take out the trash.

Oof. Jessie, why does today's
sauce smell like cat puke?

Curry powder.

Jogi! Son of a bitch.

That monster
messed with my mother's sauce.

- JESSIE: We will get them, Boss.
- Okay.

- What?
- All right.

- Huh?
- You don't seem too upset,

which must mean
you have worse planned.

Honey, let's just say tomorrow
is gonna be a high holiday.

- (CACKLES)
- Here's a fresh batch.

- Mama!
- Dio mio!

- This is heavy.
- (♫ SINGING IN ITALIAN ♫)

- Your voice is no gift.
- (LAUGHS)

You work too hard.

Oh, but what, you think
the sauce make itself?

Come on. Come with me.
I want you to rest.

No. I'll rest when I'm dead.
Oh! Speaking of dead,

this is our dinner crowd!

- It's been a slow day, Ma.
- (SIGHING)

My bowels are slow.
This is dead.

I'm going to church
for some excitement.

Okay. Listen. While you're
there, why don't you pray

that the place next door
goes up in smoke?

Coglione!

- Your evil will end!
- (PHONE RINGING)

Sal's Pizza. It's better.

What?

You're kiddin' me! Oh, my God!

- What?
- Oh. Shh!

- What? What?
- Shh! Shh!

(SCREAMING)

Oh! Okay! It's Nikki!

- What, Nikki? Nikki! Nik...
- No, she hung up!

- Nikki is coming home tomorrow.
- Hey!

Nikki's comin' home!

Oh! Now, you listen to me.

- What?
- My baby girl is comin' home

for the first time
in five years.

If you ruin it
with your farkakte feud...

Oh, there it is! There it is.

- What?
- What, my "farkakte feud"!

- It's my fault she left.
- I'm not saying it's your f...

- You just said it's my fault!
- I did not say it's your fault!

- You...
- I don't wanna hear it!

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Get it while it's hot!

Get it while it's hot!

- Yoo-hoo!
- Oh!

Ladies, please! One at a time!

- Nikki? Oh, my God!
- Gina!

- Oh, my God, it's you! Oh!
- Hi!

Oh, my God! My girl's back!

(GASPING)

(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)
Look at you!

You're all gorgeous!

Okay. Where's the rest
of your luggage?

Oh, my God. You're not staying.
Your family's gonna disown you.

They haven't seen you
in like, five years!

I know. I haven't told them yet.

They think
I'm arriving tomorrow.

I just, I need a drink
before I have that conversation.

You need about 20.

Listen, Joe's got the kids,

we've got the whole night.

- NIKKI: Luigi's? Really?
- Like the good old days!

(♫ POP-ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ♫)

Oh! Look at what the cat
dragged in.

- Oh!
- Wait 'til Luigi sees you.

LUIGI: Oh, this bambolina made
me an offer I couldn't refuse,

- so what's Luigi do?
- Hey, Luigi!

Luigi takes care of business.
Ciao, bella!

Oh... Ay, ay, ay,

Nicoletta!

Oh, my God!

You look so, uh...

- Different?
- I was gonna say hot.

Ay!

Hey! Bentornato!

In honor of your return.

- Salut!
- WOMEN: Saluti!

Okay. Give me gossip.

Royal frickin' dirt.
British Vogue.

- What do you wanna know?
- You were seeing

an investment banker. So?

He had a...

sizeable portfolio,
but not a clue how to manage it.

Hmm. I would've shown him
how to invest.

I bet Englishmen can get you to do the
filthiest stuff with that accent.

You'd be surprised

how quickly
that novelty wears off.

I hear they're big on oral.

Oh... yeah.

All talk and nothing else.

Mm! That's just
like Italian men.

(NIKKI LAUGHING)

Speaking of which...

One, two. Just like that.

- Then you'll hit it.
- Oh, my God.

- What is he doing here?
- He works here.

You didn't know that?

(♫ "DIRTY SECRETS"
BY NEW CITY PLAYING ♫)

♫ She's been here ♫

♫ For the weekend ♫

♫ And I haven't
Changed the sheets yet ♫

♫ Sheets yet ♫

♫ She says she don't
Even miss you ♫

- You planned this.
- Of course I did!

Remind me to kill you later.

- Here he comes.
- Oh!

- Gina.
- Yo, Leo.

- How you doing, Teresa?
- Pretty good.

So, you guys gonna introduce
me to your friend here?

You from these parts?

Do I look like I'm
from these parts?

No, actually. You look sober.

Can I get you a drink?

- You can get me one. Or six.
- (CHUCKLING)

They still do battle here?

Uh, yeah. Every Monday night.

Best show in town, huh?

- I see your dad's ahead.
- Of course.

♫ Don't tell nobody
About me and you ♫

Here we go.

Stupida.

♫ Don't tell nobody, no ♫

GINA & TERESA: Saluti!

Playing it safe?

I'm not playing anything.

I forgot. You hate to lose.

So, tell me,

you still living
with your parents?

Oh, no! He lives
upstairs with me.

Paesano bachelor pad
style, right?

So, who's kicking your ass
at soccer these days?

- Ooh.
- Come on. Please.

- I'm undefeated.
- Only because I left town.

♫ Me and you ♫

One second.

♫ Me and you ♫

Oh!

Shall we take this outside?

Oh, come on!
You can't be serious.

I don't know.
He looks pretty serious to me.

I don't know.
He looks pretty serious.

- I... I'm in heels.
- (CHANTING) Do it!

- And it's raining!
- Nikki!

What's the matter?
You afraid you might get...

wet?

I am. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Did I just say that out loud?
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

I mean...

it's gonna be embarrassing...

- for you.
- (WOMEN LAUGHS)

- (BELL RINGING)
- Andiamo!

To the field!

- (CHEERING)
- Nikki versus Leo, the rematch!

- It's gonna get messy, people!
- Woo!

LUIGI: Okay. Listen up.

Okay.

Nikki blocks a shot,

Leo does a shot! Hey!

Leo scores,

Nikki does a shot. Hey!

You do realize that I coach

the neighborhood
soccer team now?

- That's a shame for those kids.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Come on, Nikki!
- (CHEERING)

(♫ "KINDA COMPLICATED"
BY SCOTT HELMAN PLAYING ♫)

- Oh-ho-ho-ho!
- (CHEERING)

- How'd you stop that?
- (LAUGHING)

- For you.
- Drink up!

- Come on, pizza boy!
- (CHEERING)

Shit!

- Whoa!
- Oh-ho-ho!

- Shot for Nikki!
- Joey Junior has diarrhea.

I have to go. I'm so sorry.
I gotta go. All right.

- Okay. Okay.
- Kids.

CROWD: Oh!

- I wasn't ready!
- What kind of excuse is that?

- You gotta be ready!
- Oh, come on!

♫ Yeah, I've got you ♫

♫ And you've got me ♫

♫ No, I just can't explain it
So let me paraphrase it ♫

♫ Oh, it's kind of complicated ♫

♫ We're going in and out
But, baby ♫

♫ Now we're all all right ♫

♫ We have our ups and downs
But, baby ♫

- I scored!
- ♫ We're burning hot and cold ♫

♫ There's no mistaking
All all right ♫

♫ Oh, it's kind of complicated ♫

- (CHEERING)
- ♫ It's kind of complicated ♫

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Okay. Whoa.

Come on. Okay. Come on, guys.

Oh, come on!
Where is everybody going?

I can't do this anymore. You
two settle it on your own, okay?

Just you and me now.

All right. I'm calling
the top left.

- (GRUNTING)
- Ow!

(LAUGHING)

I win again!

- Yeah, I let you.
- (COUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

(SIGHING)

Okay.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh...

(RUSTLING)

(GASPING)

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Buongiorno, bella Nikki! Shh!

You were amazing last night.

- Luigi?
- You're so talented, you know.

Hashtag skills, huh?

No. No. No, no, no, no.
Good God, no!

(LAUGHS)
No, no, no, no. Come on.

I just needed a clean pair
of junk trunks, huh?

(DISTANT HONKING)

LEO: Good morning.

Hi.

Hangover?

No, just jetlag.

Yeah, me, too.

So... we should

probably talk about...

- last night.
- Uh-huh.

And what happened...

It was one for the books, Nikki.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you were
saying that a lot last night.

No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my God. No. No.

I'm gonna be in so much trouble.

My dad is gonna kill me.
I mean, I...

Yeah, I think he's
gonna shoot me first.

I slept with Vince's son!

I'm... I'm joining a convent.

After last night,
they're not gonna let you in.

- (NIKKI SOBS)
- Relax. Eh, relax, stupida.

Nothing happened.

- Nothing?
- Nah, you passed out.

I gave you my room

to sleep it off
and I took the couch.

Well, who took off my dress?

Hey, listen.

You had that on when I left you.

What you did
with it after, that's

none of my business.

Uh, have you seen my...
my necklace?

You left it.

On my lap.

What?

I... I don't wanna know.

Thank you.

- What?
- You're very, uh...

How'd you get to be so very?

Kale.

Ever heard of it, pizza boy?

Kale, kale, kale, kale. I...

- Where's your bathroom?
- Kale. Sounds vaguely familiar.

Let me think.
Uh... it's a superfood.

Part of the wild cabbage family.

It's rich with antioxidants
and calcium.

So, look. My folks
think I'm arriving today.

So... if I see you later...

I'll look surprised.

(♫ UPBEAT MUSIC ♫)

- (LAUGHING)
- (INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

Can you believe this?

More dough, Carlo!

It's about time we got some
life back in this place!

- Like old times.
- Okay, ladies!

Go, Jogi, go. Jai ho, Slumdog!

How I regret giving you
that DVD for Christmas!

Sausage and peppers, two large.

Hey, that was my nickname
in the army!

(LAUGHS)

Whoa, whoa.

(DOOR BELL JINGLING)

Hey, this place
is really hopping!

- Yeah. No thanks to you.
- Ah, come on, Pa!

It's a beautiful day.
Enjoy it, would you?

Hey, Jogi, you got that order
ready for the police department?

- Like every Sunday.
- Good man.

- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- Oh, Leo!

Guys, I'll be right with you.
Here you go, folks.

- Enjoy!
- (WHISPERING) Hey, hey!

Hey, Amalia!

- Hi.
- Hi, it looks like you've got

- a good crowd today.
- Nah, I guess we got lucky.

Between you and me,

our pizza today is delicious.

Well, our side is so dead,

Sal and I could have sex on the
table and no one would even notice.

But you know what?
None of that matters.

- Why?
- My Nikki's comin' home today!

- What? That is fabulous!
- I know! I know! I'm so happy!

TOGETHER: Oh!

Keep your pants on, would you?

Come on, already!

Now we just have to find her
a husband so she'll stay. Right?

- Sure.
- TOGETHER: Oh!

- Honey, let's go!
- What? I'm comin'!

If their mid-life crises
don't kill them...

- TOGETHER: We will.
- All right.

How's your father-in-law?

He's horny as a teenager on
prom night. Your mother-in-law?

Oh, prudish as a nun
during lent.

- Hey!
- Hey!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(GRUNTING)

(♫ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO ♫)

Hi.

Nicoletta!

La bella!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Already dressed for my funeral!

Nonna, you're not going
anywhere. Don't say that.

My next address is a tombstone.

- No.
- You still wear it.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Saint Antonio...

patron saint
of wayward children.

I knew he'd bring you home!

Oh, bella, bella, bella!

Salvatore!

- Nicoletta nella casa!
- Honey! Honey, she's home!

- (WOMAN SCREAMING)
- Oh, my beautiful girl!

Oh, look! Look,
I hardly recognize you!

Well, you would
if you learned to FaceTime.

Hey, is that what the boys
show their cazzo on?

- Hi, Mama.
- Hug me!

My baby. My baby!
Oh. You're so thin!

- What happened to her ass?
- I don't know!

- No one trusts a skinny cook, baby!
- She'll get you another one.

- Eat, baby. Eat!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm okay.
- Just a little bite.

- You just got home!
- A little bite! Little bite!

You miss your father's pizza,
don't you?

Get in there. Get in there.
There's my girl!

So... How's it taste?

- Just like home.
- Oh, that's it!

- That's wonderful!
- Oh, come here.

Oh, listen. I made a list
of all the single men

still in the area, okay?
We'll go through it later.

I am so sorry, Mario.

My little girl,
she just came home!

Congratulations, Sal.
Welcome home, Nikki.

- Hi, Mr. Puzzo.
- Hey. Sal, you gotta fix

- the electrical on this place.
- I know.

- Vince told me to tell you.
- Vince?

You spoke
to that gelatinous mass?

Here we go.

Take it.

To go. Get out!

- Are you serious, Sal?
- Out!

Disgrazia!

- Sal!
- What?

He slept with the enemy.

- Really?
- This is why their side

is always crowded
and ours is empty!

(♫ "I LIKE TO MOVE"
BY REAL 2 REAL PLAYING ♫)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

- Che fanno, una festa?
- It does sound like a party.

- Really?
- Party indeed.

- What did you do?
- Nothing!

I didn't do nothing
as far as you know.

♫ I like to move it, move it ♫

♫ I like to move it, move it ♫

Don't just stand there!

I got pizza cookin'.

Oh, fuck!

Jogi, do something!

I'm on it, Boss!

- Get down from there, madam!
- Sir!

Take me on your magic
carpet ride, Aladdin!

First, let me show you
my Indian rope trick.

Oh, yeah, baby!

Oh, madam, I must warn you,

my rope is very knotty!

Get it? Knotty!

♫ We like to move it ♫

Ooh, I want to make cookies
and cream babies with her!

Jogi, what the hell
are you doing?

Customer service, boss! (LAUGHS)

♫ I like to move it, move it ♫

- Pa?
- JOGI: They call me the maniac from Mumbai!

What'd you put
in the pizza today?

Dude. Always the same, the best.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

That's not oregano.

Huh?

(SIRENS GET LOUDER)

Gah! My vangina!

Do you think the cops
liked their weed pizza?

(CHANTING) Jogi, Jogi, Jogi!

JOGI: Jogi's hotter
than the pizza here, baby!

We had no idea!
This was sabotage.

- Sabotage!
- Yeah, right!

- Spiking our pizzas with reefer.
- Bye-bye!

It was you, Sal! I'll get you
for this, you strunz!

Hey! Peddling ganja
from the Ganges?

What will your mummy say?

I would insult your mother,

but cows are sacred in India!

Hey, you'll never be the man
that your mother is!

Oh! Thou must go! Bye-bye!

Look, Officer, this is all a
big mistake. This is all just...

Hands against the wall.
Shut up and spread 'em.

I said spread 'em! You need
an invitation to the prom

- to get cozy?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hey! Bring those down
to the station.

We're gonna eat them later.

As evidence!
Eyes on the wall, captain.

Oh, my God. That is...

You're carting guns, mister.

You didn't declare
that you had two amazing

man guns.
You hiding anything else?

- Listen...
- Oh, what have you got here?

A six-pack? Oh, no.
I'm sorry, that's eight.

- I'm gonna go south now, okay?
- Hey, now...

- You packing heat here, mister?
- AMALIA: Hands off!

My God. Were you breastfed?

Is there anything
in your pockets

that might be sharp or
hard or pokey in any way?

- What?
- Eyes on the wall!

I'm gonna just check
to see if you...

Oh, my God... if you smell
like pot or anything.

Hey, all right, listen. You're
clean, buddy. You're clean.

Or are you dirty? I don't know.

I don't know.

But I've got my eyes on you.

Let's go!

Whoa! The issue of your loins
did this!

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

That's right, you heard her!

- Ma!
- Welcome home, Nikki.

He deserved everything he got!
Again with hitting!

SAL: Don't look at him, Nikki.
Okay, folks.

Who's got the munchies?
Right this way, please.

- (SIREN BLARING)
- LEO: All right, folks.

The show's over, okay?

(DOOR BELL JINGLING)

(♫ SOFT ORGAN MUSIC ♫)

(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned

in thought, in word and in deed.

A triple threat.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

You tell me your sins,

- and I'll tell you mine.
- Our sins!

We'll go to hell
for meeting like this.

Our sons, I think
they're onto us!

I love you
when you get so passionate.

You watch it!
The church has eyes.

- But not as beautiful as yours!
- No!

Now, give me a taste
of that special sauce.

- Jesus!
- No! Father Toscani.

Franca?

Oh, Gesu! Perdonami!

Perdonami!

Forgive me, Father!

Oh, we're so busted!

(SIGHING)

Thank you.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(BUZZING)

(BUZZING)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Nice bag.
- Hmm.

Nice...

ball.

Oh.

Ahem.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, baby.

Oh, Nikki.

Aren't you gonna introduce me
to your little friend here?

Yeah, of course.

Lisa, meet Nikki,

my... My best friend

since, you know, we were like...

Well, forever.

Well, that's about
as much chitchat

as I can handle for today.
I need a drink.

Don't keep me waiting.

Bad timing? I just...
I just came by to say sorry...

- No, no.
- ...about my dad and the whole arrest thing.

Come on. A misdemeanor
for pot possession?

Please. My dad had your dad
investigated for tax evasion.

And the year before that,

your dad tried
to have Jogi deported, so...

When did all of this go from
crazy to bat-shit insane?

You know what?

We've never apologized for
their stupidity before, so

let's not start now, okay?

- You're right. Thanks.
- LISA: Hey, Leo...

Uh...

you know, I'd love to, uh,

finish what we started
the other night, but...

Yeah, no, it's fine. I... I'm...

I'm around. You know,

plenty of time to fool around.
I mean, you know what I mean,

just hang out or something.

- Yeah, right. Okay. Well...
- LISA: (OVER INTERCOM) Hello?

- Final boarding call?
- It's not what you...

Hey, wait! Listen.

Ahem.

You wanna have dinner
tomorrow night?

You wanna come here,
like around 8:00?

I'll cook.

Really? I mean yeah, sure.

Best friend's gotta eat, right?

Cool.

Oh.

- Okay.
- Oh. Sorry. Ahem.

(AWKWARD LAUGHING)

- Bye!
- I'll see you!

Vince Campoli
from Vince's "The Best" Pizza

hit a new low
by getting his customers high.

All right! Andiamo! Okay.

Remember, the first one
to stand up is the loser.

All bets must be placed

before the fight is entered.

I got ten bucks on Sal!
He's an a-hole! Who's in?

- Hey, I'll take that bet!
- (INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

- (WHISTLING)
- (BELL RINGING)

- Okay, they're coming!
- Everyone step back. Step back.

Give them room.

...but this does not bode well
for the Campolis.

- Buonasera, Luigi!
- Hey, hey!

Ah...

These are dark days.

Drugs, arrests.

It's an infamia!

You know, this used to be
a nice place to live.

Now... the riffraff is here.

No good.

- How you doin' tonight, Vince?
- Not bad.

Some imbecille tried to smoke
me out of business yesterday.

LUIGI:
You get charged for that?

A night in jail.
Frankly, I took a rest,

because even with a $1,000 fine,

- record sales.
- (CHEERING)

That's big talk for a jailbird.

Must've got lucky in the shower.

(JEERING)

MAN: Come on, Vince!
You gonna take that?

Sal...

what's it like
having Nikki home, huh?

It's the best.

My gioia mia is home! Salut!

CROWD: Salut.

Luigi, isn't that true
that usually the daughter

takes after the mother?
Thank God.

And the son
takes after the father.

So soon, Leo will not be able
to see his feet.

(JEERING)

My Nikki is the complete package.
She's beautiful,

she cooks, and smart.

She's got it up here
and knows how to use it.

Unlike some children
that only know how to use

- what's down there.
- (JEERING)

The small man wishes
he had half the action

- that my Leo does.
- All right, Pa.

Leave me out of this, would you?

Viagra wanted to take
a sample of his blood!

(CHEERING)

Luigi, does his asshole

get jealous of the shit
coming out of his mouth?

- (JEERING)
- How is it possible

that a mere beast
with no brains and no looks

could actually
be the genetic father

- of a complete package?
- Luigi...

is this bewildered sloth

questioning my fatherhood?

Luigi, it's not his fatherhood
in question, but his manhood.

- (JEERING)
- Bastardo!

- Disgrazia!
- On the house, it's a tie!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

♫ Hey, hey, hey ♫

♫ I'm flying away ♫

(PHONE RINGING)

♫ Hey, hey, hey ♫

You couldn't pick a place
where we stuck out less?

We're the only ones
without a computer

and the, how you say?
The fancy phone!

Exactly. Now that
Father Toscani is onto us,

the church is out.

I feel terrible.

Sneaking around,

just waiting to be caught!

- Franca and Carlo?
- (SCREAMING)

- Two caramel lattes? Franca and...
- I've got 'em!

Oh!

Is this for you, sir?
Here you are.

Love your hat, by the way.

You told them our names?

What are we, spies?

- (GASPING)
- Relax!

- Drink.
- (SIGHING)

- Baby Jesus. Hold me!
- Oh, mother of God!

Oh, this is to die for!

If I gotta go,
this is the way to do it!

- Mm! Mm!
- Two more, please!

No, no! You dirty boy!

♫ Hey, hey, hey ♫

Give me a kiss.

- Oh, give me a kiss. Come on.
- Stop. Stop it!

- Amore mio...
- Watch it, Valentino.

- Why?
- There's an old Italian saying

- I learned from my nonna.
- And what's that?

If you want it,
you have to put a ring on it.

What was your
grandmother's name? Beyonce?

No. Bianca.

Oh.

SAL: Nikki! How many sausages
did you want?

NIKKI: I'm just gonna have
the kale salad.

SAL: That's gonna break
your father's heart.

Hi!

Why are you so dressed up?

We're in your parents' backyard.

Good point.

You know Joe's a plumber now?
Fully certified.

It's Joe's Plumbing.
"Trust the best,

flush the rest." Huh?

- It's catchy.
- I know!

Such an entrepreneur.

Here, why don't you
hold Joey Junior?

- Oh, are you sure?
- Honey, I almost forgot

- the nice cannolis.
- Ooh. Thank you, baby.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oof. Here, take the gum.

Leave the cannolis.

Hi, Joey Junior!

I can't believe you've had two
kids in the time I've been gone.

Ugh, I know. It's like
my uterus threw a party.

(LAUGHS)

So... the stewardess.

She looked like
she got off shift

- at the perfume counter.
- Puttana.

And her bag,
it was totally fake.

But, uh... you're still
gonna go for dinner?

He wants to cook.

Besides, if I don't go, he's gonna think
he's had some sort of effect on me.

- And he hasn't.
- (BABY CRYING)

So I should go... to prove it.

(BABY CRIES HARDER)

- Oh, it's okay!
- It's okay!

- No, don't cry!
- I'm sorry.

Come here. Come to Daddy.
Let the ladies talk.

Thank you. Thank you.
Please, continue.

Look, it doesn't matter.
I am going back to London

and when I am
the chef de cuisine

at Mayfair's newest
and trendiest restaurant,

Leo is not even gonna
be an afterthought.

Wow.

You're still in love with him.

All those years of pent-up
sexual frustration.

No wonder you're so skinny.

- You must diddle yourself like a fiend.
- Would you stop?

Oh! Look who's here!

Look, it's Anthony Bottiluco!

You remember Anthony, right?
Look at him.

Look at him, all grown up! Hi!

Hi.

Nikki. Long time.

You look, uh, you look good.

Oh, you're lookin'...
you know, the same.

- Thanks.
- Are you still at the, uh...

Oh, at the parlor? Yeah.
Yeah, Pops retired,

so hey, I'm your guy if you need
any funeral arrangements.

- Good to know.
- Hey, speaking of which, how's your Nonna doing?

- Mom, where is Nonna?
- Oh, she's at church.

That lady prays
more than the pope.

- Here you go.
- Oh. Ah.

JOE: Give me a minute
before he starts crying again.

- Oh. Hey, Gina.
- Yeah, I'm gonna let you two

- catch up.
- No. Oh, no. That's okay.

Little Nikki, all grown up. Hey.

- Hi.
- Took the shoes off, huh?

Lettin' the toes breathe.

Look at that big toe. Very nice.

I have to pee.

Ah. Okay.

- Maybe he's changed a lot. No!
- (WHISPERING) Oh, yeah.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Oh, that's good.

(FAIRGROUND CHATTER)

♫ Ooh ♫

- ♫ Come on ♫
- This is really good.

Those are just the appetizers.

Tonight's main course

features my signature
ultra-thin crust pizza

with mesquite mushrooms,

smoked gouda,
a little prosciutto,

and then we top it off with
radicchio and fresh arugula.

So good.

Have you considered...

Figs?

May I?

Have at it.

To cut through the gouda
and balance the flavors.

You got some
serious knife skills.

♫ Summer days fall ♫

My father would consider this
the highest form of treason.

What's that, the pizza?

Or us being together?

Both.

LEO: It's pretty good.

- Hot.
- Very.

700 degrees. It should
only take about...

About 90 seconds.

Exactly.

Why don't you do something
like this down at your pizzeria?

I mean, you'd have
lines down the block.

Uh, my father, he, you know...

He believes that pizza
should be round

with sauce and mozzarella.

And, you know, I cook
what makes him happy.

And what about you, Leo?
What makes you happy?

♫ Summer days fall ♫

Family.

Family's the most important.

♫ Summer days fall ♫

- It's done.
- Mm-mm.

Whoa, whoa. Not yet,
not yet. Hold on.

I don't need your help.
Okay? Patience.

No. I'm telling you, it's done.

Just give it another moment,
would you? Please?

For me?

♫ Can't I just make you stay? ♫

A little bit of love.

- Now it's done.
- (LAUGHS)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Come on. Please.

My fresh arugula.

Listen to this.

(CRUNCHING)

The sound of perfection.

You better believe it.

For you.

Thank you.

- Mm! It's delicious.
- The figs, they just...

They give it the perfect amount
of sweetness, you know?

For the smoky, spicy side.

Mm-hmm.

I love your pizza.

Our pizza.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(GASPING) Oh, dio!

You scared me to death!

What's going on?
What are you doing here?

Not in front of the Madonna!

- It's a bad omen!
- No. It's bad luck

to be superstitious.

- (BOX OPENS)
- Franca.

With the Virgin Mary
as my witness,

will you marry me?

(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS)

Women.

Not you, of course, Maria.

(♫ UPBEAT MUSIC ♫)

Leo, this is amazing!

I grow all my fresh
ingredients up here.

Basil, oregano,

some fennel. You name it.
And it's all organic.

Now, you're speaking
my language.

You know, one day,
I hope something like this

could be my legacy.

Like a pizza shop on the bottom,

organic garden on top.

I'll call it Pizza Organica.

I love it.
Have you leased a space?

No, but I got my eye on a spot.

Still saving up, though.

Maybe when my dad
retires, right?

Leo, why would you wait?
That could be in 20 years!

What do you want me to do?

Compete with him?

Mm.

How is it that I'm the one
in culinary school, and yet

you're the one coming up
with the dishes?

- (MUSIC ENDS)
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I love this festival.
Didn't you miss it?

Our parents' hate-iversary.

I don't understand
how you start a fight

after winning
a contest together.

I mean, for making something
that you love.

I don't think they even
remember what it was about.

(♫ FOLK MUSIC PLAYING ♫)

Listen.

- Come on.
- Why?

Come here. You remember?

- Remember what?
- The tarantella, stupida.

Settle down, stupido.

I got it all locked in here.

You know, the last time
we danced together was...

at Gina's wedding.

- You kissed me.
- You kissed me!

I don't know.
No, I think you started it.

I'm pretty sure I was drunk.
That's what I remember.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

That was the last time I saw you
before you took off for London.

I couldn't believe
that you'd just

left without saying bye.

Have you been lonely?

Okay, fine. Who's...

the investment banker?

You've been keeping tabs on me?

- Maybe a little bit.
- (CHUCKLES)

I might have checked out your
Facebook page a few times.

You look ridiculous in
that chef's hat, by the way.

You look ridiculous
in your hair net.

- I don't wear one.
- Well, you're supposed to.

Is that so?

(SIGHING) I should go.

Why?

So I don't stay.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- (SIGHING)
- JESSIE: I'll take that.

Thanks, Jessie.

(COUNTER BELL DINGING)

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) "You squeeze
the love out of every tomato

as if it were the last."

(NORMAL ACCENT) Nonna, what's wrong?

I've been thinking
about your nonno.

Missing him?

What was he like?

The biggest ladies' man
in all of Napoli.

The charm of ten Italian men.

What made him settle down?

I hit him over the head
with a piece of prosciutto.

Out of love, of course.

Have you ever been in love?

Maybe.

(SIGHING)

You take over, bella.

- Okay.
- You tell your papa that...

I went out.

Okay.

- Figs?
- (CHUCKLING)

Your father sees this,

he's gonna blow a gasket.

How was your date last night?

How'd you know that I, uh...

Little Italy. It's little.

Look, it wasn't a date, but...

it was nice.

Meaning?

Nice, you know.
It was... it was...

It was very nice.

But I don't know, Nonno.
It's complicated with Nikki.

Leo, here's what I learned
about love,

life and cooking.

Learn from your mistakes.

Be fearless.

But above all,

have fun.

I don't know. I think maybe
she's outgrown this place.

Leo, you can take

the girl out of Little Italy,

but you can't take Little Italy
out of the girl.

Show her what she's missing.

- Thanks, Nonno.
- (DOOR BELL JINGLING)

I'm getting a cup of coffee.

What the hell is this?

What is that?

Delicious, is what it is.

Give it a try, Pa. All right?
I'm gonna get out of here.

- Oh, my buono! Oh, my God!
- Sweet and smoky

- at the same time! Mm!
- Delicious! This is fantastic!

- Figs on a pizza! Who knew?
- Mm! Mm!

- JOGI: Oh, so good!
- Oh!

(INDISTINCT EXCLAMATIONS
OF DELIGHT)

(BIKE BELL DINGING)

(♫ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ♫)

Another caramel latte
for Madonna.

- Keep them coming.
- You got it, "Material Girl."

- Hey, hey! That's enough!
- Hey, hey! Why did you do that?

Come here. Give me that face.

For your own good.

What do you want from me, Carlo?

Well, the other day, you said

if I wanted it,
I had to put a ring on it.

And I did,

in front of the Virgin Mary,
no less, and you...

You fled.

What is it, my love?

It's too hard, Carlo.

After Alvaro died...

I swore I would never
mourn another man in my life.

Well, we could have, uh,

what do they say, uh...

friendly benefits?

(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN) You almost sent
my dentures flying across the room!

I am a lady.

Yes, and...

I want you to be my lady.

You don't think that Alvaro
wants you to be happy?

The only regrets we'll ever have

are the chances we didn't take,

and the love we didn't make.

I don't wanna hide no more,

and go back
to my stupid son's house

alone at night.

I want us to have
a home together.

A place to cuddle

and watch The Bachelor in bed.

I love you, Franca.

I never thought
I'd hear that again.

I love you, too, Carlo.

Franca...

with God...

and this beardo-weirdo
as my witness,

I promise I will love you

for as long as you live.

Come on. Smile...

while you still have your teeth.

Yes.

I will marry you.

(CHEERING)

Look at that! Whoa!

(CHEERING)

♫ What did you say ♫

♫ To make all my dreams change ♫

♫ To make me feel ♫

♫ Like coming home ♫

♫ What did you say ♫

- ♫ To make me fall this way ♫
- Psst!

Hey!

- What are you doing?
- Special delivery.

Pizza for the lady,
kale included.

I'm not hungry.

What are you talking about?
You're always hungry at midnight.

Hey, do me a favor, would you?

Be ready first thing
in the morning, okay?

- Ready for what?
- Just be ready!

Nikki! It tastes better
than it looks!

LEO: Shh!

♫ Baby
Tonight the wait is over ♫

♫ Tonight, I wanna hold you ♫

♫ Back to where we started ♫

♫ They say home ♫

- ♫ Is where the heart is ♫
- Aww.

♫ So baby
Tonight the wait is over ♫

♫ Tonight, I wanna show you ♫

♫ That we can stop running ♫

♫ We can stop running tonight ♫

(CHUCKLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(♫ "THERE'S NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK
BY SHAWN MENDES PLAYING ♫)

- Hey.
- Hi. Where are you taking me?

I want to introduce you
to someone.

Who?

The Nikki I used to know.

♫ When we lost our minds ♫

♫ And we took it way too far ♫

♫ I know we'd be all right ♫

- ♫ I know we would Be all right ♫
- Hey!

- Do you juggle?
- Opa!

♫ And we stumbled in the dark
I know we'd be all right ♫

- ♫ I know we would Be all right ♫
- (LEO SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- I'll think about it.
- Come on.

♫ Stumble in the dark ♫

♫ I know we'd be all right ♫

- ♫ We would be all right ♫
- I like those.

♫ Oh, I've been shaking
I love it ♫

♫ When you go crazy
You take all my inhibitions ♫

Good. Like it?

I like it. It's good.

"Save a stallion,
ride an Italian."

Oh, there you go. I think
that you should get that one.

We'll take both of these.

I think I'd like to get
olive oil or something.

- Wine?
- Yeah, sure. Wine.

Can I get some of that cheese?
Yeah? Thank you.

Who is this for?

Don't worry.
It's an old friend of ours.

♫ I wanna follow
Where she goes ♫

♫ I think about her ♫

♫ And she knows it ♫

♫ I wanna let her take control ♫

(GIGGLING)

♫ 'Cause every time
That she gets close, yeah ♫

- ♫ She pulls me in enough ♫
- No!

- Just do it!
- No!

Come on! It's tradition.

Yes!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

- Let's go!
- ♫ And maybe I should stop ♫

- ♫ And start confessing, yeah ♫
- (EXPLOSION)

- (INDISTINCT HOLLERING)
- ♫ Oh, I've been shaking ♫

- ♫ I love it when you go crazy ♫
- You again?

- You're welcome, Mr. Ganucci!
- Bye!

I'm still going to feed you
to the worms!

♫ Baby, there's nothing
Holding me back ♫

♫ Oh, oh, oh ♫

- Right there. Remember?
- You are not serious. Stop!

♫ There's nothing
Holding me back ♫

♫ I feel so free
When you're with me ♫

- Ah! Come on!
- You wanna go again? Okay!

Stop! (SHRIEKING)

♫ Baby, there's nothing
Holding me back ♫

That was freezing!
I got towels in here.

- Ever the gentleman.
- Yeah, it's, uh...

It's getting harder
by the minute.

- (NIKKI LAUGHS)
- I didn't mean it like that. Okay? Enough.

Do you wanna play a game?

What are you thinking?

Maybe something where you can
score for a change?

Stop. Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

First admit that you
never let me win.

Look...

I got a reputation
to maintain, Okay?

I can't tell
those sorts of lies.

Say it.

- What?
- Say it!

Never.

This room is so beautiful.

Did you see

the little soaps

in the fancy bathroom?

Already in my purse with
the shower caps and the Q-tips.

- (SIGHS)
- And, uh...

how was, uh...

Incredibile!

- It's good everything still works, huh?
- (CHUCKLES)

How are we gonna
tell the families?

- Hmm?
- They're gonna freak out, as the kids say.

I don't care.

(LAUGHING)

And I'm looking forward to it.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Carlo! Carlo!

(GASPING)

Again?

- Or die trying.
- Oh!

Oh! Oh! Animale!

Oh! Oh!

Maybe this time
you take off your top, huh?

FRANCA: (MOANING) There you go!

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

"Vince's Pizza"?

Oh, no. I refuse to hire anyone

that traipses around in
a pedestrian pizza shop outfit.

I'll burn it
as soon as we hang up.

Good. Now, here.

Look. Our new endeavor.

Isn't it absolutely fabulous?

- It's stunning.
- Of course it is!

It's only missing
one little detail,

a stunning menu.

Gareth has sent me his.
When do I get yours?

I'm close, Chef. I can feel it.

Your hair looks like
you've been shagging.

Is there a penis
more pressing than my menu?

No! No, no, no. No. I'm on it!

I mean, not on that,

but I'm on it. I'm...
You know what I mean.

Well, there's only one way
to the top, Nicole,

and it's a solo trip.

Now, listen.
You have until Sunday.

Otherwise, you can be the first
to congratulate Gareth.

- MAN: Oh, sorry! Sorry!
- Watch out, you wanker!

Do you not see
I'm standing here?

(BEEPING)

(SIGHING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

If that's not
the hottest advertisement

in all of Little Italy,
I don't know what is.

How you doin'?

Thank you.

For what?

Making me feel at home again.

Making it all so special.

Everything's more special
now that you're back.

- I mean that.
- (SIGHING)

- (EXHALES) I'm sorry. I can't.
- What's the matter?

I... What are we doing?

I'm not... I'm not a kid anymore

and I know who I am to you.

Okay? I mean, I was the girl
that beat you at soccer,

and then I was the girl
who had the silly crush on you,

- and now...
- Nikki.

...I'm a girl
who's been in your bed.

- Oh, no. No, no, no...
- I've worked too hard

to come back to this,
I mean, to slaving away

in a pizza joint
for the rest of my life,

and watching
our families fighting,

and watching you
grow old with somebody else.

With who?

I don't know. Pick a number.

I'm sure one will come knocking on
the door the second that I leave.

Look, I've...
I've really enjoyed our

tryst, I just...

"Tryst"? Really?

I have to go.

(TAPPING)

How does it look?

The only thing we've saved
for a rainy day is an umbrella.

And it's broken.

We can't lose this place,
Mali. It's the only thing

- we got to leave to our kid.
- Well then maybe you should

believe in Leo, huh?

I mean, let him try it his way!

Little Italy is changing, Vinny,

but that doesn't have to be bad.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna go
for a walk. Okay? I'll be back.

I'm closing
a little early tonight, Leo.

- What?
- Why?

Because I'm taking
the family to dinner!

- What?
- Why?

Do I have to give a reason?
Who raised you people?

Dress nice. Be ready by 7:00.

You too, kid.

Okay!
(♫ SINGING A JAUNTY SONG ♫)

- I hope he's paying.
- Oh, he's paying.

Mm.

- Baby.
- (GIGGLING)

You know, I have trained
with the world's finest,

but nothing comes close
to Nonna's sauce.

It's like I can taste
what's in it, but I just can't

- put my finger on it.
- Yeah, well, good luck with that.

She hasn't even
told your father.

We are so proud of you, Nikki.

And so very happy
that you are home.

Have you ever thought about...

leaving here, Ma?

Leaving? No.

No, it never occurred to me.

It's a big world out there.

I know. I've been
to Niagara Falls,

thank you very much.

Come on. I mean, how do you

stay so happy?
You guys are going broke here,

you and dad are fighting
all the time, and yet,

you just seem
as in love as ever.

- SAL: Dora!
- You are killin' me!

Okay. You really wanna know?

Not if it's about sex.

Well, I mean,

good sex is
a key ingredient, but

a good man

is the meal you wanna
eat every night.

TOGETHER: Still sounded sexual.

- Didn't it? I'm sorry.
- It's a little bit...

Yeah, a little bit.

- Ah!
- Ah!

Wha...

I love you.

I love you.

DORA: Sal, what?

You messing with my sauce?

You don't mess with perfection.

- Anybody looking?
- No. What?

My nonna

would stir in two anchovies

just for long enough
to salt the sauce.

(GASPING)

Don't tell nobody.

- Dance with me! Dance with me!
- All right. Everybody!

Everybody! Family dinner
tonight. My treat.

- Why?
- What's the occasion?

I need a reason to make dinner
with my family?

I'm gonna die soon
and I like food. That's it.

Dinner at 7:00. You, too. Come.

Welcome to Korma Sutra.

- DORA: Ugh. I'm gonna get gas.
- The Lustful Lotus.

Try it on the menu...

- and at home.
- Mm!

SAL: Ma...

This is the restaurant
you pick for a family dinner?

- Yeah.
- NIKKI: It's an interesting choice, Nonna.

- How'd you find it?
- I did the Yelp.

And besides,

if your father make a scene...

no one we know will see.

Ma, why would I make...
What the hell?

What the hell?

Hey, welcome!
Welcome, everybody!

- That's it. I'm leaving.
- You sit!

I'd rather sit in hell!

Now, Franca and I

have something
to tell all of you.

While our families

have been at war,
two people here

have fallen in love.

I swear to God, Vince,
if your slimy son

- has touched my daughter...
- The only thing slimy is you!

Shut up, both of you!

Carlo and I...

We've been seeing each other.

- Huh?
- What?

What do you mean
"seeing each other"?

We've been
having a relationship.

What do you mean

"having a relationship"?

Forgive me, Salvatore.

We've been lovers.

(GASPING AND GIGGLING)

- Oh. Okay.
- I don't understand.

Do you want me
to draw you a picture?

Or you can pick
one of those from the menu.

Oh, stop. Put that down.

Oh. Oh. Just gonna
need this knife, Ma.

- I'm gonna open a vein.
- I can't feel my legs.

- I think it's wonderful!
- Oh!

Now, if you two could just
start acting like grown-ups...

LEO: Yeah, then maybe we can
put an end to this whole

- stupid family war.
- This is your fault.

Your fault!
You and your horny, old man!

Hey! You don't even know where
your own mother is at night!

- Watch your mouth!
- That's it. You know what?

Little Italy is not big enough
for me and you.

You're right.
So, when are you leaving?

We're not leaving! The Angioli
pizza has always been superior,

so do the community a favor.

Pack up your fugazi pizza
and get the hell out of town!

- Here we go.
- Again.

You wouldn't know
good pizza if it bit you!

Let's let Little Italy decide
who stays and who goes.

What are you two idiots
talking about?

The Little Italy pizza contest.

Yeah.

- And whoever loses goes.
- Vince!

- They won't let you enter.
- Yeah. You're banned.

Yeah, we're banned,
but these two aren't.

- NIKKI: Hmm?
- We can't compete, but Leo and Nikki can.

- What?
- No, no, no, no, no. No way. All right?

- We're not competing.
- I'm a chef. I don't do pizza.

- Ow.
- Oh.

- You did pizza the other night.
- Leo!

- What night?
- There was some kind of night?

- What do you do at night?
- Stop. Okay. I'm not doing

- a pizza competition.
- I'd understand why you would

chicken out because really,

she never was able
to compete at Leo's level.

Wait. Whoa, whoa. whoa. What
do you mean "at Leo's level"?

- Soccer. He was better.
- What soccer?

- She always won!
- Look, they've been

lifelong rivals,

and she's afraid
to go up against him.

- We're not rivals, all right?
- Yeah.

We were just competitive.
If we were rivals,

- I never would have let her win.
- Okay, let's be clear,

nobody ever let me win.

We gonna start with this again?

You won when I let you.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, like you let
me win last night.

- (GASPING)
- Oh!

Are we still
talking about soccer?

I'm really happy for you, Nonna.

Listen, honey,
you don't have to go.

- Hey, wait. Nikki...
- No! You know what?

I am done waiting, Leo.

You know, there's a reason
why they call it Little Italy...

because nothing
ever changes here.

I mean, not our fathers
and their stupid fight...

and especially not you.

Paesano, face it.
You're in love with Nikki.

Always have been.

But every time you come close
to doing something about it,

you talk yourself out of it.

"Oh, I can't be with Nikki.

She's moving to London.
Oh, I can't be with Nikki,

my dad will cut off
my giggle berries."

It's too complicated,
all right? You know...

This is for the best. Trust me.

Those sounds like
the excuses of a man

who's not being honest
with himself, huh? Che parli?

Oh, I'm not being honest
with myself?

Look, I'm not trying to be mean
or nothing, all right?

But have you looked at yourself
in the mirror?

Luigi, your real name

is Lee Zhao Ping.
You're Chinese, bro!

When will you be
honest with yourself

that you're not even Italian?

(LEO SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

You know, when I told my dad

I was gay, he...

threw me out of the house.

Will you still be my friend?

Luigi, come on.

You think I wouldn't be
your friend just 'cause,

what, you like guys? So what?

No. Because I'm not Italian.

You know, when my dad,

he threw me out, I walked
the streets for days, you know?

And I ended up here,
pretty damn drunk.

You know, the real Luigi,

he took me in. He gave me a job.

You know, I found a community

that's crazy, chaotic...

but lovable.

You know,
when I was Lee Zhao Ping,

I was an outcast.

When I became Luigi,

everyone accepted me.

Look, I'm sorry, man.
I didn't know.

- I didn't know.
- Ah, stop.

You can either go after Nikki

and open up your own shop,

or hey, hey, you can
move to Chinatown.

- Yeah, sure.
- Mio amico,

you and Nikki, you're like
Romeo and Juliet, huh?

Romeo and Juliet died.

That's a bad example.

You, uh...

You're like Rocky and Adrian.

- I'm not Rocky.
- No!

But you could be.

Is your hand on my ass?

That's how Chinese people hug.

I knew I'd find you here.

Nonna knows.

Yeah.

(FRANCA SIGHING)

I remember your confirmation.

You stood right there.

It was a special day
for two reasons.

One, because you chose
Saint Antonio, and...

And I got my braces off.

Look, there you are.
There's the smile, bellissima.

(SIGHING)

Come.

Come, bella.

So, tell me...

What's in London?

A new job. A new life.

- No drama.
- Hmm.

And this life over there,
it makes you happy?

Oh, come here. It's good to cry.

Washes the soul.

Do you love him?

It doesn't matter.

Maybe it's time
you take a piece of prosciutto

and you whack him over the head.

When I was little,

you told me I should
never have to squeeze love

out of a man's heart,

that if it doesn't come freely,
I don't want it.

I did? What else did I say?

That boys are stupido

and that I can do anything
better than they can.

Ah. You see, I'm a wise woman.

In here,

what do you want?

I want to be happy.

I want you all to be happy.

And I...

I guess I do want...

Leo.

Yes.

If you have to leave,
you have to leave.

But if this thing with Leo
is really love,

it'll come and find you.

(CROWD NOISES)

You got something you wanna say?

You got something you wanna say?

You know what, Leo?

The competition? It's on.

Oh, so the chef
wants to make pizza?

Okay, fine. Yeah, it's on.

Wow, really?

All right, fine. It's on.

- (DRUMMING)
- (CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(ANNOUNCER #1 SPEAKING ITALIAN)

ANNOUNCER #2:
Come on down, everyone.

- ANNOUNCER #2: Join the party!
- Have some fun!

Today is Little Italy's
biggest day.

Today, we crown
the winners of...

Miss Little Italy Bikini.

- (CROWD WHISTLES AND CHEERS)
- And of course, Little Italy's Mr. Bikini.

(CHEERING)

(SCREAMING) Sorry.

And of course, we also crown the
winner of Little Italy's Best Pizza!

- That's right!
- (CHEERING)

- Go get 'em, baby!
- Today's contest

- has two stages...
- You better pack your bags!

...elimination and championship,
and only the top two can move on

- to the finals. Round 1.
- (DRUMROLL)

- Hey!
- Start the clock.

(BELL DINGING)

Our contestants must
wow us with a pizza creation

that looks and tastes original.

- Yeah!
- Okay, folks!

Now, let's give
a big hand to these chefs...

(CHEERING)

(♫ FAST-PACED MUSIC ♫)

- (INAUDIBLE SPEAKING)
- CROWD: Ten,

nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one!

- (CHEERING)
- Yeah, baby!

- Oh, look what that guy did!
- Paesano, you got this!

- SAL: You got this, baby!
- MAN: Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush!

Here he comes.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)
This was not easy, folks.

Yeah. I mean, each of these
pizzaiolos is a master.

But Johnny, we can
only choose two, huh?

So, let's give
a big round of applause

to our two finalists,
Leo Campoli

- from Vince's "The Best"...
- And Nikki Angioli from Sal's "It's Better"!

JOHNNY: There's something more
than just a trophy at stake.

As we finally put an end to
Little Italy's oldest food fight.

We are going to challenge
our finalists to cook

- the queen of all pizzas...
- Hey!

TOGETHER: La pizza Margherita!

- Okay!
- (ANNOUNCING IN ITALIAN)

...each pizza will
be judged by its crust,

its sauce...

- And above all... the taste.
- Oh! Ah!

Stay focused, all right?
It's all up here.

"Eye of the Tiger." You could
be champion of the world!

It's yours.

ANNOUNCERS: It's go time!

(DRUMROLL)

- Go, Nikki!
- All right, son!

Hey.

- Good luck.
- You, too.

- JOHNNY: Okay, folks.
- WOMAN: Beautiful dough, Leo!

(ANNOUNCERS CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY)

SAL: Look how nice she rolls.

Look how nice
she rolls that out.

Yesterday at the church,

I light not one candle, but two.

Yeah, but darling...

there can only be one winner.

(PEOPLE YELLING ENCOURAGEMENT)

- Hey, that's my boy!
- Come on! What do you want, style points?

(CROWD CHEERING)

JOHNNY: It's too bad there's
only going to be one winner.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCING)

DORA: Look how beautiful
this is!

- Down in front! Move it over!
- Hi. Hey. That's good.

Nice!

- Come on!
- Focus! Focus!

All right, it's the home stretch!
Home stretch!

While the pizzas are cooking, why
don't we do some cooking ourselves?

Hey! Why don't we announce the
winner of this year's Miss Bikini?

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

- And the winner of Mr. Little Italy...
- What?

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCING)

(CHEERING)

Uh, you might wanna
just give it another second.

I'm telling you, it's done.

JOHNNY: It's coming down
to the wire now, people!

- See?
- Good call.

- DORA: All right, baby!
- CROWD: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six,

five, four,

three, two,

- One!
- (BELL DINGING)

- WOMAN: Come on, Leo!
- Nikki!

- Nicely done!
- They look great. Great!

Please, Chef Nicoletta. Please.

- Take to the stage.
- Thank you very much. Chef.

- Yes.
- Okay.

(♫ TENSE MUSIC ♫)

WOMAN: Oh! Looks good.

Look at the bottom!

What are you looking for,
a serial number? Just eat it!

...matter which piece,
they're all perfect.

- He likes it. He likes it!
- How do you know?

- How do you know?
- The jacket's blooming.

- This side.
- (GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

Mm!

DORA: Here we go. Here we go.

(CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCING)

All right. This was
a very difficult decision,

but... the winner

of Little Italy's Best Pizza

- is...
- (DRUMROLL)

Leo Campoli
from Vince's "The Best" Pizza!

(CHEERING)

- Yeah! You did it!
- No!

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Leo! Leo! Leo!

Leo! Leo! Leo!

It was so close.

The crust, the sauce!

It reminded me of when
your fathers were together.

Yeah, try it! Try it!

LEO: Excuse me!

I'm sorry, but we can't
accept this trophy.

Whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Wait.
Wait. We accept, we accept.

Whoa! No, no, no. You heard what he said.
He can't accept. Nikki wins!

- You're not gonna steal this!
- "Steal"? Your own kid said it!

LEO: It wouldn't be right, Pa!

You don't understand!
It's not my pizza.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Nikki, she must have
switched our sauce with theirs.

That pizza, the winning pizza,
that's got my crust

and the Angioli family sauce.

(LAUGHING)

Can we get Nikki back up here?

- Nikki?
- She's gone, Leo,

to the airport.

- Agh!
- Whoa, whoa.

- Leo, wait a minute. Think about this.
- Where are you going?

- Take a guess.
- Go get her, kid!

Hey! Time for you to be Rocky.

Adrian!

Woo-hoo!

You destroyed your friendship,
we didn't say anything.

You destroyed our business,
and we still didn't

say anything, but this is
where we draw the line.

You are gonna go to the airport

and you are gonna fix this,
or you are gonna lose your kids!

- (TYRES SCREECHING)
- (CAR HONKING)

- Andiamo!
- Go, the two of yous!

- Go on!
- The two of yous!

- Hey, wait for us!
- Oh!

♫ Oh, I ♫

♫ Will keep you safe ♫

♫ For all my life ♫

♫ And you ♫

- Thank you.
- ♫ Will have my heart ♫

♫ For all of time ♫

- ♫ Even on your darkest days ♫
- Hi, Chef. It's Nikki. Nicole.

Thank you so much for giving
me this opportunity.

I got my visa and I am on my way
to make my pitch personally

to you as soon as I land.

♫ Oh, I will love you the same ♫

♫ Oh, I ♫

♫ Will keep you safe
For all my life ♫

All laptops, shoes, belts
and fluids. You know the drill.

Ramone!

- What's up, girl?
- Get back to work!

Relax, Terelle.
I need a new profile pic.

It's great light. Look at this.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

♫ Even on your darkest days ♫

♫ You know that
I will never change ♫

- Go!
- Hold on tight!

- Leo!
- Quick!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Keep going! Excuse me!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look out!
- (HONKING)

Nikki?

I'm sorry.

Come on. No hold ups. Let's go.

(BUZZING)

- Sweetie? Step back through.
- (BUZZING)

♫ Oh, I will keep you safe ♫

♫ For all my life ♫

- ♫ And you ♫
- (BUZZING)

♫ Will have my heart ♫

Yeah, a bracelet will do it.
Yeah. That, too.

- And you can go. Yeah.
- Yeah, you don't want her to go

- to town on you with that latex glove.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- ♫ You know That I will never change ♫
- (BUZZING)

- Hmm!
- ♫ Oh, I ♫

♫ Will love you the same ♫

♫ Oh, I ♫

Nikki!

♫ Will love you the same ♫

- Don't go.
- You won, Leo.

You got what you wanted.

And I know what I want,
and it's in London.

The only thing I want

is you.

Nikki, please! Stay.

See what we could be.

Girl, go to London.

Don't change your plans
for no man.

Nikki! Nikki!

Nikki, what are you doing? Don't
let this coccola drive you away!

She's not running away from him.
She's running away from you!

- Will you two be quiet?
- (HONKS HORN)

- (INDISTINCT ARGUING)
- (GASPS)

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

- Nothing is gonna change!
- Ah!

Especially not them.

LEO: It doesn't matter
about them.

I've changed.

And I'm not afraid
to tell you that

I'm in love with you.

I always have been.

I always will be.

I'm not afraid to tell my father

that I want
to start my own shop.

- VINCE, DORA, AMALIA: What?
- It's about time!

I mean, all this time,
you never said anything,

and now that I'm about to
get on a plane,

you finally find the words.

Love isn't words. It's actions.

All right?

That's why you let me win today.

And you know what?

I don't want us to have
to let each other win.

I want us to both win. Together.

Please, Nikki. Stay.

Not for me,

with me.

What's it gonna be, girl?

WOMAN: (OVER SPEAKERS) This is the final
boarding call for flight 7-2-0 to Manchester.

Final boarding
for flight 7-2-0 to Manchester,

boarding Gate 25.

(SIGHING)

- DORA: Nikki.
- Then it's done.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Me, too.

(BUZZING)

NIKKI: What?

I had to get my luggage.

(CHEERING)

(GROANING)

I've loved you all my life.

Now, what are we gonna
do about them?

Pa, Sal.

Isn't it time you tell us
what this fight is all about?

- No! No!
- No.

- TOGETHER: Yes!
- Or I'm getting on a plane with Nikki.

Fine. Fine, do you wanna know?

All right.

So, you wanna know.

It's about them.

TOGETHER: Us?

(DRUMROLL)

And the winner of The Best
Pizza of Little Italy is...

- Pizza Napoli!
- (CHEERING)

Hey, guys, give us the name
of your winning pizza!

Wait, wait, wait.
We gotta think of a name.

- It's easy. Pizza Franca.
- No, no, no. Wait.

- It's better, uh... Pizza Carlo.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No. You see, my mother made
the award-winning sauce,

so it's Pizza Franca. Perfect.

Yeah, but it's
my father's crust.

Look at this. What is this?
Without my mother's sauce,

this is nothing! This is
a McDonald's hamburger bun.

- (CROWD GASPING)
- Well, your mother's sauce

without my father's crust,
you know what this is?

- Campbell's Tomato Soup!
- (GASPING)

Eat this!

- I don't want a pizza named after me!
- Me neither.

- We were just trying to show respect.
- Honor our families.

What honor? So that some idiot

could say that Carlo
was so cheesy,

he plugged me right up?

Or even worse, I ate a Franca
for lunch two days in a row!

Now, you two knuckleheads,
love and honor has nothing

to do with your selfish pride,
or my crust!

- Or her sauce.
- My sauce is very good.

- Your sauce is delicious.
- Look at you two.

- It's the best.
- You were family. Family, huh?

- Yeah.
- No, they were brothers.

And for your information,

- you truly are.
- That's right. Even now,

more than ever.
He put a ring on it!

I'm Beyonce.

Oh, Papa!

Nonna!

- CARLO: Call me Jay-Z.
- Oh, it's so wonderful!

Oh, thank you! Oh!

- LEO: Nonno!
- You know I love you, kid.

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

CROWD: Aw!

CARLO: Yes, we do!
I love you, honey!

Operations have resumed!

All laptops, belts, shoes...

Okay! Let's get out of here!

Thanks. Just keep 'em
coming, Jessie.

- Everything's good, yeah?
- It's perfect.

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

NIKKI: And so our life in Little
Italy began all over again.

A better version.

- Chef, are you tearing up?
- Oh, good God, no.

I'm British.
I just can't believe

that I came all this way
to lure back

my favorite student,
and I'm failing.

- Gareth's menu didn't work out?
- Oh, on the contrary,

it worked its way out

of a top food critic's colon
so quickly,

I was forced to shut down.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sure you'll find
another concept you like.

I think I just did.

Are you interested

in going international?

MAN: (OVER MICROPHONE)
Attention, single ladies!

The bride's gonna
toss the bouquet!

- Come on, Chef! Let's go!
- All right, come on!

- Okay!
- Come on!

- MAN: Go for the front!
- WOMEN: Oh! Oh!

(CHEERING)

Oh, my God!

- Hey!
- Stop it!

(♫ UPBEAT BAND MUSIC ♫)

Oh, Carlo! I've got
something to tell you.

- What, honey?
- I'm pregnant.

What? She says she's pregnant!

(SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)

- Jogi, may I have this dance?
- Me?

- Yeah!
- Be gentle.

Jessie, will you dance
with me? You look beautiful.

Ah... Holy cow.

NIKKI: Life may take you
to distant places...

LEO: ...but it's love
that brings you home.

NIKKI: We may not
have it all together...

- LEO: ...but together...
- TOGETHER: ...we have it all.

LEO: (CHUCKLING)
So, you finally gonna

tell me the secret
to your Nonna's sauce?

NIKKI: I told you.
It's two teaspoons...

- LEO: Oh, my goodness.
- NIKKI: ...of nunya!

- LEO: Seriously?
- TOGETHER: Nunya business?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

♫ If true love ♫

♫ Is all I need ♫

♫ Then all I need
Is you lovin' me ♫

- ♫ If true love is all I need ♫
- (CHEERING)

47th take here.

- (BOTH MOANING)
- Oh, Franca!

- I love you!
- Oh, Carlo!

Carlo! Carlo!

- MAN: Heh-heh. Cut.
- (CREW LAUGHING)

We'll never get it cut.

- ♫ True love ♫
- (INDISTINCT SPEAKING)

♫ True love ♫

MAN: My penis sack fell off.

The sack that holds my penis.

- MAN: That holds your rocket?
- It fell off.

- (CACKLES)
- MAN: I have to put my penis back in the sack.

I've been about to have
a laugh attack all day

and this is sending me
over the edge.

♫ True love ♫

- ♫ You got all of me ♫
- (CHEERING)

- CROWD: Oh!
- Your booboo forgot!

- Sh! Sh! Sh!
- Sh! Sh! Listen to me!

- It's family! And it's...
- You wanna go have sex?

- Now?
- (CREW LAUGHING)

♫ True love ♫

(DEEP VOICE)
I love you. I love you.

That's like,
a very Italian accent.

It doesn't sound like it to me.

- I'm just learning.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Is your hand on my ass?

Yeah. I was hopin'
you wouldn't notice.

It's because you're
taller than me.

It'll be there a lot now.

That's not my hand.

You wanna put your hand
on my ass?

- Italian style.
- (CREW LAUGHING)

♫ Baby, that's the mission ♫

♫ And with all the stories ♫

- I can do it!
- Stop! I can't...

- MAN: You want help with that?
- PHUNG: It's stressful!

People think it's weird being
around dead bodies, but

they're kind of like my friends.

Friends with benefits,
am I right?

- I'm gonna pee.
- Is this Gina's?

- ♫ I just fantasize ♫
- (CREW LAUGHING)

♫ Nothing in life
Is worth as much as this ♫

- ♫ If true love ♫
- (BOTH GRUNTING)

♫ Is all I need
Then all I need... ♫

Damn. This is like
an episode of Springer.

- Need to say we're leaving at 7:00.
- All right.

- Oh!
- You all right? We've still got time.

You're drunk with me, aren't you?
I do this to you. Get over here.

♫ If true love ♫

♫ Is all I need ♫

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Maybe we should elope.

Please! Will you mother (BLEEPS)
just leave?

- No more white people!
- (CREW LAUGHING)

- Woo!
- Whoa, baby!

- Oh, yeah!
- Ooh! Brother, here you go!

Jogi's hotter than the pizza
in here, baby!

♫ True love ♫

Now, don't ask me
to go down on one knee.

As long as you don't ask me

to go down on both later.

- No, only all fours.
- Oh, animale!

- No.
- Is there anything hard

in there that I need
to know about? Even semi-hard?

I'm just gonna check under
your shirt. I am right under

that t-shirt and I'm just gonna
check close to your nipple.

That is my nipple. There are
people watching us right now.

PHUNG:
I don't do this normally!

A penis sack.

I don't need help! I can do it!

(♫ UPBEAT BAND MUSIC ♫)

(♫ WOMAN SINGING IN ITALIAN ♫)

♫ To the top we go ♫
(♫ SINGING IN ITALIAN ♫)

(LAUGHING)

Mwah!