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[CHEERFUL NOTES]
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00:00:02,590 --> 00:00:05,659
[SENSUAL MUSIC]
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00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:08,776
Here's what every woman knows:
4
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We feel bad about something
5
00:00:10,779 --> 00:00:13,114
almost every day.
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Like sometimes, I cheat
on my husband in my sleep.
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[GROANS] Wait, babe...
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Ugh.
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Oh, sorry.
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Oh, I know that look.
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You had that dream again, didn't you?
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Yeah, I did.
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Oh, but I am so cool with it
if you had
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- a good dream too, babe.
- I dreamt a giant hawk
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took the baby.
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I'm gonna check on him.
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Every morning
is totally nuts around here.
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My kids act like psychos,
my husband can never
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find anything,
and I eat expired baby food
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for breakfast.
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I never know what I'll feel bad about,
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but I know it's always
just around the corner.
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Hello.
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Mama's running off to work, huh?
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Fancy career lady abandoning her kids.
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00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,320
Come on, Ma, you were
a stay-at-home mom
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and you still screwed up Emet.
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- Right, babe?
- Mm-hmm.
29
00:00:56,691 --> 00:00:58,159
I mean, let's be honest...
I don't have
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a tiny nervous bald spot for nothing.
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I was a very good mother.
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It's not possible for me
to have made all those healthy,
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healthy snacks and still screw you up.
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You used to throw your shoes at me.
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And you would duck like a tiger...
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because of my healthy, healthy snacks.
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Mom, I don't need
to sculpt melon balls
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to connect with my kids, okay?
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I mean, I read with Louie,
I go to all of Lily's
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- Quiz Bowl events...
- I quit Quiz Bowl.
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My friends and I are gonna
do dance team instead.
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- What do you mean?
- You quit Quiz Bowl?
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- I hated it.
- Well, you don't have
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to like it.
You think I like everything
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- I do?
- Why can't you just be happy
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I'm on the dance team?
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I don't like dancing these days.
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All that gyrating
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and shaking.
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Okay. Yeah, let's go
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before this creeps in
to your long-term memory.
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00:01:41,403 --> 00:01:42,937
Go, go, go.
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Come on, Jakey.
54
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Honey!
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Grandpa and I are going
to take you to our house
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- where it's clean.
- I am so sorry
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we can't afford a stranger
to take care of you.
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Hmm.
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Why do I even buy all this fruit?
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There you are. Let's head home, Maya.
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[GASPS]
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[BOTH SCREAM]
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00:02:02,090 --> 00:02:03,991
- Dad, what the hell?
- I'm sorry!
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00:02:03,992 --> 00:02:05,392
I... I thought you were your mother.
65
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,161
- What?
- What?
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You remind me of her sometimes.
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Just in how you look and sound and act
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and where you carry your weight.
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[sighs] And there it is:
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My feel-bad for today.
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00:02:16,738 --> 00:02:18,772
My dad smacked my ass
because he thought
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I was my mom.
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♪ Take, take ♪
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♪ Control, trol of me ♪
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♪ Take me, take me, take, take ♪
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00:02:26,181 --> 00:02:28,082
- All right.
- Kids are ready to go,
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I am ready to go. Bye.
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00:02:29,951 --> 00:02:30,985
- Okay.
- Hey. Do you find
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00:02:30,986 --> 00:02:32,486
my mother attractive?
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Is this 'cause I saw her
get out of the shower
81
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,090
that one time?
I got Bell's palsy from that.
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00:02:36,091 --> 00:02:37,758
Well, then how can you find
me attractive?
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Because I already
kind of look like her,
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and it's only gonna get worse.
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Okay, this seems like a trap.
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I mean, it's a good one,
I'll give you that.
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00:02:43,865 --> 00:02:45,132
- You know what?
- What?
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00:02:45,133 --> 00:02:46,133
You can't answer this question.
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You love me.
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I need a more objective opinion.
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00:02:49,471 --> 00:02:52,139
Wait, so you want me
to be into your mom?
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00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:55,376
I knew exactly where to get
my objective opinion:
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I love my job.
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00:02:56,978 --> 00:02:58,879
I'm head artist
at a video game company,
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00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,048
We have air hockey,
hover boards, a rock wall...
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00:03:01,049 --> 00:03:03,017
the guys say it helps
their creativity.
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Anyway, I'm the only woman on my team.
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Hey, guys. That's Norman.
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He's sweet and sensitive.
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00:03:08,890 --> 00:03:11,792
Hux is spacey,
Chewey's damaged but smart,
101
00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:14,061
- and Griff is all about Griff.
- ...at the same time.
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They can be weird, but we're buds
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and I can talk to them about anything.
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Since we need a female protagonist
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for the new game, I stayed up late
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sketching more empowered women
for a change.
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- [ALL GROANING]
- Not again.
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Just give it a shot.
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Look, check her out.
She's badass, right?
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She looks like
Tomb Raider's boring aunt.
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00:03:30,245 --> 00:03:32,346
- Wow, Sasquatch.
- Uh-uh.
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00:03:32,347 --> 00:03:33,547
Okay, okay. How about her?
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Come on, you know she can fight.
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- Yeah, she's on roids.
- She looks like my dad.
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I don't even know why I try.
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- Who else has something?
- Uh, I got this sketch
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of a dragon destroying
the Statue of Liberty.
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It's not for work
but it's pretty cool.
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- [ALL AGREEING]
- Wait, really?
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That? Okay, okay.
121
00:03:49,197 --> 00:03:51,098
Sorry, just... [CLEARS THROAT]
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While we're sharing,
I just want to shift
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00:03:52,834 --> 00:03:55,002
the conversation a little bit.
Something happened
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this morning, and I'm kind of
in my head about it.
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So I just need you guys to be
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00:03:57,539 --> 00:03:59,273
really honest with me, okay?
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Just tell me the truth.
128
00:04:03,011 --> 00:04:04,611
I'm still do-able, right?
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00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,580
Uh...
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- What... uh...
- Hypothetically speaking.
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Sorry, I'm starting to spiral.
Could someone just jump in?
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Anyone, say something.
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I'm a "yes."
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00:04:14,589 --> 00:04:17,524
- You do have a nice face.
- [LAUGHS]
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Thank you, Norman.
I appreciate the honesty.
136
00:04:19,394 --> 00:04:20,594
Yeah, but that...
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00:04:20,595 --> 00:04:22,529
that face doesn't seem so fresh.
138
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:25,132
- I like a fresh face.
- I would like to retract
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00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,202
my previous statement.
I also like a fresh face.
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They're lying.
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- We'd all do you.
- Interesting.
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Interesting! Okay!
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Hux, please continue.
144
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It's like pizza: even if it's not
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the greatest pizza, some pizza
is better than no pizza.
146
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Uh-uh. No, okay,
147
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that analogy's flawed.
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00:04:43,218 --> 00:04:45,152
It's more like pizza that's stale
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and fallen between the sofa cushions
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versus pizza that's hot and fresh.
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00:04:48,390 --> 00:04:50,057
That's what you mean, right?
Do we want, like,
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older sofa pizza
153
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that has three kids at home?
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Is it just me, or does pizza sound
155
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really good right now?
156
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Not talking about you.
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[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
158
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♪
159
00:05:05,607 --> 00:05:07,641
Okay, you know what? Forget looks.
160
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,576
We all know that your minds are warped
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00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:12,112
from drawing chicks with giant
bowling ball boobs all day.
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00:05:12,113 --> 00:05:13,680
By the way, if I woman had
those proportions,
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- she'd snap in half.
- Bilaterally
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- or top to bottom?
- I don't know, Chewey.
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All I'm saying is having
a cool, fun personality
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is way more important.
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- True.
- Thank you.
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00:05:23,124 --> 00:05:25,192
- You kind of nag sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
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- What?
- And you're critical,
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which is why I, hypothetically,
wouldn't do it with you.
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I mean, I can just hear it:
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"Chewey, your grunts are too feminine.
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"Chewey, how come your belly's
shaped weird?
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00:05:36,938 --> 00:05:39,706
Chewey, how can you be
this sweaty already?"
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00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,208
Chewey, you're grossing me out.
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Yeah, that would be another one.
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00:05:42,377 --> 00:05:43,444
Okay, fine.
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00:05:43,445 --> 00:05:45,712
Maybe I have some flaws.
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Well, you guys could stand
to take a look at yourselves.
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00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:50,551
I mean, when did nerds
get so damn picky?
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Nerds are cool now. We date models.
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Right, Hawking?
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00:05:55,223 --> 00:05:56,990
Yeah. Good boy.
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00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:58,559
Good boy. Yeah.
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♪
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00:06:00,161 --> 00:06:02,396
You know, at first
I was like, "Who cares
187
00:06:02,397 --> 00:06:04,164
what those nerds think?"
But then I thought,
188
00:06:04,165 --> 00:06:05,199
"Those guys have a point.
189
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,667
I can be critical and naggy."
190
00:06:06,668 --> 00:06:09,036
I mean, when Lily told me
she's joining dance team
191
00:06:09,037 --> 00:06:11,138
I treated her exactly the way
my mom treated me
192
00:06:11,139 --> 00:06:13,140
- when I was her age.
- Crap.
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00:06:13,141 --> 00:06:14,641
- You threw your shoe at her.
- No!
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00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,177
My mother's the shoe-thrower.
But I did kind of crush
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00:06:17,178 --> 00:06:19,313
her spirit and act unsupportive.
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00:06:19,314 --> 00:06:21,148
You know what? I'm gonna support her.
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00:06:21,149 --> 00:06:22,483
I don't have to turn into my mother.
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00:06:22,484 --> 00:06:24,485
I'm a badass woman
with a will of iron.
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00:06:24,486 --> 00:06:26,487
You stopped yourself
giving birth to a baby
200
00:06:26,488 --> 00:06:28,155
in a taxi, and you were crowning.
201
00:06:28,156 --> 00:06:29,656
Yeah, you're damn right
I did, because if I wanted
202
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,658
an Indian person to yell at me
while I was giving birth
203
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,495
I would have let my mom
into the delivery room.
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00:06:34,496 --> 00:06:36,230
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
205
00:06:36,231 --> 00:06:38,165
Maya.
206
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:39,600
You look fetching.
207
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,502
I'm smitten by your appearance
this evening.
208
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:43,437
What's wrong with you, man?
209
00:06:43,438 --> 00:06:45,606
Don't make me fight you for her.
210
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:47,341
- What are you doing?
- I'm addressing
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00:06:47,342 --> 00:06:49,676
- your concern from earlier.
- Don't do it like that.
212
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,211
It's weird.
213
00:06:51,212 --> 00:06:53,680
All right, everyone,
Lily is very excited.
214
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:55,549
She wants to show us
her dance routine.
215
00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:57,184
What dance?
216
00:06:57,185 --> 00:06:59,253
You were supposed
to talk her out of it.
217
00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:01,221
No, Mom. Unlike you, I'm actually
218
00:07:01,222 --> 00:07:02,623
supporting my daughter 100%.
219
00:07:02,624 --> 00:07:05,259
Oh, maybe one day
she'll do crystal meth.
220
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,262
We can all support her.
Tweaked out as a family.
221
00:07:08,263 --> 00:07:10,197
I am proud of Lily.
222
00:07:10,198 --> 00:07:12,633
She's a strong young lady
who knows her mind
223
00:07:12,634 --> 00:07:15,302
- and makes good choices.
- Are you guys ready?
224
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,237
Yes, yes! We're so ready!
225
00:07:17,238 --> 00:07:18,739
We're ready!
226
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,607
[BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS"]
227
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,643
[MAN VOCALIZING BREATHILY]
228
00:07:22,644 --> 00:07:25,579
♪
229
00:07:25,580 --> 00:07:28,048
♪ Don't pull on my hand, boy ♪
230
00:07:28,049 --> 00:07:29,716
Whoo-hoo!
231
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,252
♪ I'm just trying to dance, boy ♪
232
00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:33,720
♪ And move my hump ♪
233
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:34,821
♪ My hump, my hump, my hump ♪
234
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,224
Uh, okay.
235
00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:39,126
♪ My lovely lady lumps ♪
236
00:07:39,127 --> 00:07:40,661
- [MAN VOCALIZING]
- ♪ My lovely lady lumps ♪
237
00:07:40,662 --> 00:07:42,396
♪ My lovely lady lumps
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00:07:42,397 --> 00:07:44,431
♪ In the back and in the front ♪
239
00:07:44,432 --> 00:07:46,833
How am I supposed to support that?
240
00:07:49,205 --> 00:07:52,239
What the hell was that?
[GIRLS CHEERING]
241
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,108
Where did I go wrong?
Is this because I let her
242
00:07:54,109 --> 00:07:55,443
watch five minutes
of "Showgirls" that one time?
243
00:07:55,444 --> 00:07:57,601
Nobody panic. I saw on "Dateline"
244
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,102
that there's a camp for this.
245
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,904
They take the child away
in the middle of the night
246
00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:03,607
and bring them back
completely reformed.
247
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,208
I thought Lily was amazing.
248
00:08:05,209 --> 00:08:07,077
I would like to hear
more about this camp.
249
00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:09,446
Camp is very expensive these days.
250
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,915
Sweetie, either help me
or wait in the car.
251
00:08:11,916 --> 00:08:14,084
- Car.
- Lily is such
252
00:08:14,085 --> 00:08:15,886
a natural, right?
I mean, when she dropped it
253
00:08:15,887 --> 00:08:18,121
- I really believed it was hot.
- Was it me,
254
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,756
or did it seem like the word "booty"
255
00:08:19,757 --> 00:08:21,591
was thrown around a lot in that song?
256
00:08:21,592 --> 00:08:23,593
I don't think "booty" meant booty.
257
00:08:23,594 --> 00:08:25,128
I think it was code...
258
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,130
- for vagina.
- I thought that too.
259
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,632
You know what? I guess I just
260
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,233
really appreciate self-expression.
261
00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:32,436
I'm going home to take a hot bath.
262
00:08:32,437 --> 00:08:34,237
Don't get too excited, man.
263
00:08:34,238 --> 00:08:36,106
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
264
00:08:36,107 --> 00:08:37,574
[DOOR CLOSES]
265
00:08:37,575 --> 00:08:38,775
Oh, my God, what was that dance?
266
00:08:38,776 --> 00:08:40,110
Oh, my God, I knew you were lying.
267
00:08:40,111 --> 00:08:42,112
- Of course I was.
- That dance was very...
268
00:08:42,113 --> 00:08:43,714
- BOTH: Advanced.
- I know!
269
00:08:43,715 --> 00:08:44,981
Girls mature faster these days.
270
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,049
It's something to do with the hormones
271
00:08:46,050 --> 00:08:47,651
in chicken or something.
272
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,119
It's why some of them
get boobs so young.
273
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,654
Chicken gives you boobs?
I eat chicken every day.
274
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,122
Am I gonna get chicken boobs?
Maybe I can eat
275
00:08:52,123 --> 00:08:53,490
- more seafood.
- Okay, David, focus.
276
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:54,791
I am focused. We're telling Lily
277
00:08:54,792 --> 00:08:56,626
that she cannot be on the dance team.
278
00:08:56,627 --> 00:08:58,495
No, no, we can't do that.
No, I refuse to shame her
279
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:00,964
over something that she loves
and she's excited about.
280
00:09:00,965 --> 00:09:02,933
That is what my mom did to me
and it made me resent her.
281
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,968
I wanna be in the delivery room
when she gives birth.
282
00:09:04,969 --> 00:09:06,970
- Don't you?
- Um, no.
283
00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:09,005
Look, if Lily is passionate
about dance team,
284
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,608
we cannot be so...
so uptight and prudish.
285
00:09:11,609 --> 00:09:13,977
We have to try to understand
and support her.
286
00:09:13,978 --> 00:09:15,746
Oh, and seafood?
287
00:09:15,747 --> 00:09:17,681
Full of mercury.
Shrinks your testicles.
288
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,150
So does hearing your mom say "vagina."
289
00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:22,652
You know what? I can do this.
290
00:09:22,653 --> 00:09:24,621
I don't have to be like my mom.
291
00:09:24,622 --> 00:09:26,156
[ALL SHOUTING] I can be reasonable...
292
00:09:26,157 --> 00:09:27,657
- [CHEERING]
- Rational, and even-handed.
293
00:09:27,658 --> 00:09:29,760
I think I need
to sabotage my daughter.
294
00:09:29,761 --> 00:09:31,027
Well, how do you want to do it?
295
00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:33,663
Gaslighting, mind games,
Coup de Main acts?
296
00:09:33,664 --> 00:09:35,165
Whoo! [ULULATING]
297
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:37,667
Shenanigans, skullduggery,
gumming up the works.
298
00:09:37,668 --> 00:09:39,269
You guys are sick.
299
00:09:39,270 --> 00:09:41,938
Mind games, I guess?
Look, I just need Lily
300
00:09:41,939 --> 00:09:43,874
to hate dancing and quit
without it getting traced back
301
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:45,142
to me, because I want
to watch her give birth
302
00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:47,043
- one day.
- I hate to be a buzz-kill
303
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,646
but shouldn't we be working
on your un-bangable heroine
304
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:51,181
for our new game?
305
00:09:51,182 --> 00:09:53,717
- [GRUNTS]
- We have got to hire
306
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,886
- more women in this place.
- The kind of subtle
307
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,788
mental manipulation
you're hoping to unleash
308
00:09:57,789 --> 00:09:59,656
on your kid is basic "Inception."
309
00:09:59,657 --> 00:10:01,191
Yep. You just, uh, plant something
310
00:10:01,192 --> 00:10:02,893
in Lily's head, and she acts on it.
311
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,061
For example, I had a friend
at school, Teeny.
312
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:06,696
Okay, now he was bad news.
313
00:10:06,697 --> 00:10:08,698
He drank; he smoked;
314
00:10:08,699 --> 00:10:10,300
punched a lunch lady.
315
00:10:10,301 --> 00:10:11,902
He was really cool.
316
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:14,137
Anyway, one day my mum decides
317
00:10:14,138 --> 00:10:15,739
that she likes him.
318
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:18,041
Since then, I saw Teeny
as a total loser
319
00:10:18,042 --> 00:10:20,877
- and I dropped him.
- Your mom poisoned the waters
320
00:10:20,878 --> 00:10:23,146
- and got rid of Teeny.
- Not quite.
321
00:10:23,147 --> 00:10:25,715
They were having sex.
322
00:10:25,716 --> 00:10:28,018
Teeny's now my stepdad.
323
00:10:28,019 --> 00:10:30,187
- That's right.
- All right, I'm gonna go
324
00:10:30,188 --> 00:10:31,988
"Inception" my daughter.
325
00:10:31,989 --> 00:10:33,824
[BLACK EYED PEAS' "MY HUMPS"]
326
00:10:33,825 --> 00:10:35,692
Okay, remember: The key to inception
327
00:10:35,693 --> 00:10:38,161
is the more we're into it,
the more we ruin it for Lily.
328
00:10:38,162 --> 00:10:40,897
Eventually she'll think
it's uncool and want to quit.
329
00:10:40,898 --> 00:10:43,667
- Just make a big scene, okay?
- Easy enough.
330
00:10:43,668 --> 00:10:46,570
[BOTH CHEERING]
331
00:10:46,571 --> 00:10:48,705
- Go, Lily!
- Whoo-hoo!
332
00:10:48,706 --> 00:10:50,173
Make it happen, girl.
333
00:10:50,174 --> 00:10:51,741
Shake that booty, Lily.
334
00:10:51,742 --> 00:10:53,176
Whoo!
335
00:10:53,177 --> 00:10:54,344
God, she really is shaking that booty.
336
00:10:54,345 --> 00:10:56,746
Arms! Sashay!
337
00:10:56,747 --> 00:10:58,582
- Whoo!
- Candlestick!
338
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,183
- Lead pipe!
- Are you just shouting
339
00:11:00,184 --> 00:11:01,585
- weapons from "Clue"?
- Yeah, on "Dance Moms"
340
00:11:01,586 --> 00:11:03,286
- they just shout stuff.
- Okay.
341
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,388
- Okay.
- Shake it, Professor Plum!
342
00:11:05,389 --> 00:11:07,591
- It's not working.
- We need to step it up.
343
00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:09,025
Let's do our routine from college.
344
00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:10,927
Five, six, seven, eight.
345
00:11:10,928 --> 00:11:13,296
[BOTH GRUNTING MELODICALLY]
346
00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,098
♪
347
00:11:15,099 --> 00:11:17,100
BOTH: And snake, and snake, and snake.
348
00:11:17,101 --> 00:11:18,702
Kid 'n Play!
349
00:11:18,703 --> 00:11:20,403
Whoo-hoo, Lily!
350
00:11:20,404 --> 00:11:22,305
Mom, what are you doing here?
351
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,074
I'm showing my support.
352
00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:26,877
It's how I used to get you
to quit things I didn't like.
353
00:11:26,878 --> 00:11:28,778
Go, Lily!
354
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:31,982
Grandma says, shake your bacon!
355
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,884
Great, not only did my mom and I have
356
00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:36,219
the same diabolical plan,
but Lily didn't quit.
357
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:39,055
I forgot she actually likes me.
358
00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:40,891
Before I gave up,
there was one more thing
359
00:11:40,892 --> 00:11:43,093
I could get the guys to do
to fix this.
360
00:11:43,094 --> 00:11:44,928
Guys...
361
00:11:44,929 --> 00:11:47,797
- "Inception" backfired.
- I'm kind of relieved.
362
00:11:47,798 --> 00:11:50,066
It was pretty anti-feminist
to refuse Lily
363
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:52,068
the dignity of her choice to dance.
364
00:11:52,069 --> 00:11:54,905
Talk about keeping women locked
in a hegemonic power structure.
365
00:11:54,906 --> 00:11:56,806
Norman, I usually love
discussing the finer points
366
00:11:56,807 --> 00:11:59,109
of feminism with you, but you're, uh,
367
00:11:59,110 --> 00:12:01,144
- stepping on a giant boob.
- You think
368
00:12:01,145 --> 00:12:02,779
this is comfortable for me?
369
00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:05,315
I'm stuck up here
and no one will help.
370
00:12:05,316 --> 00:12:07,417
Hold that thought.
I have another idea,
371
00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:08,985
but I'm gonna need your assistance.
372
00:12:08,986 --> 00:12:10,820
Great. Uh, we're in.
373
00:12:10,821 --> 00:12:12,789
Wow, that was easy.
374
00:12:12,790 --> 00:12:14,758
You guys are really invested
in my kid issues.
375
00:12:14,759 --> 00:12:16,993
Well, we don't really have a life.
376
00:12:16,994 --> 00:12:18,962
But I thought nerds date models now.
377
00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:19,996
Yeah, they do.
378
00:12:19,997 --> 00:12:22,799
Just not us, specifically.
379
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,801
No, I... I dated that foot model.
380
00:12:24,802 --> 00:12:25,969
Wow, that's a stretch.
381
00:12:25,970 --> 00:12:27,170
Okay, come on.
382
00:12:27,171 --> 00:12:29,039
What... hey...
383
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,373
where'd you guys go?
384
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,008
I really need to pee.
385
00:12:32,009 --> 00:12:33,810
- Oh, no.
- They're putting me through.
386
00:12:33,811 --> 00:12:35,478
[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Principal Friedman, please.
387
00:12:35,479 --> 00:12:37,213
I couldn't exactly call
the school and tell them
388
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,950
to shut down the dance team...
but Griff could.
389
00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:41,051
Principal Friedman?
390
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,053
This is Mr. Wainwright.
391
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,822
Sir, I'm a very concerned,
very Christian parent
392
00:12:45,823 --> 00:12:47,157
of a young girl at your school.
393
00:12:47,158 --> 00:12:49,392
Now, my little sweet angel
394
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,294
is on this very sexist,
395
00:12:51,295 --> 00:12:53,797
- very demeaning dance team...
- Right.
396
00:12:53,798 --> 00:12:56,032
Yeah, tell me, sir,
would you ever have boys doing
397
00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:58,501
these type of unlawful gyrations?
398
00:12:58,502 --> 00:13:01,371
I say shut it down, sir.
399
00:13:01,372 --> 00:13:03,073
I couldn't agree more.
400
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,508
My... my daughter's name is...
401
00:13:05,509 --> 00:13:07,510
- No video game characters, no.
- Athena.
402
00:13:07,511 --> 00:13:09,346
- Annah-of-the-Shadows.
- Bayonetta.
403
00:13:09,347 --> 00:13:11,081
- Xena.
- Princess Peach.
404
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,182
- Her name is...
- Liz.
405
00:13:12,183 --> 00:13:13,883
Chun Li, sir.
406
00:13:13,884 --> 00:13:15,418
- Chun Li Wainwright.
- "Street Fighter."
407
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,053
That is just fantastic.
408
00:13:17,054 --> 00:13:18,388
We'll... we'll talk soon, okay?
409
00:13:18,389 --> 00:13:20,924
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Bless... bless Him.
410
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,193
- What?
- Uh, Principal Friedman says
411
00:13:23,194 --> 00:13:24,928
he's going to take immediate action.
412
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,730
- ALL: Yes.
- All right.
413
00:13:26,731 --> 00:13:28,431
- Thank you, Griff.
- That's so cool.
414
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,833
You tell people you're religious,
415
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:30,934
and they just, like, listen to you.
416
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,402
[SIGHS] I'm so sorry.
417
00:13:32,403 --> 00:13:35,105
I know I've put a lot on you,
418
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,073
but raising kids is hard, you know?
419
00:13:37,074 --> 00:13:38,908
You always have to be there.
You have to keep
420
00:13:38,909 --> 00:13:40,910
your eye on them, always protect them.
421
00:13:40,911 --> 00:13:42,779
You can't just...
you can't leave them dangling
422
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,114
without any support, you know?
423
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,082
[STAMMERING]
424
00:13:46,083 --> 00:13:47,917
Where's Norman?
425
00:13:47,918 --> 00:13:50,253
No. Is he still on the wall?
426
00:13:50,254 --> 00:13:51,888
[WHIMPERS]
427
00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:53,356
[BOTH SCREAM]
428
00:13:53,357 --> 00:13:55,091
ALL: Oh...
429
00:13:55,092 --> 00:13:56,926
Yes.
430
00:13:56,927 --> 00:13:59,395
That's why I never let go of boobs.
431
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,186
Hi, cute family.
432
00:14:04,187 --> 00:14:05,821
And I missed you
433
00:14:05,822 --> 00:14:07,223
- And Simone.
- Oh yeah.
434
00:14:07,224 --> 00:14:09,158
I ran out of food,
but your mother made me
435
00:14:09,159 --> 00:14:11,694
- curried chickpeas.
- You're in a good mood.
436
00:14:11,695 --> 00:14:13,129
And now to ruin it:
437
00:14:13,130 --> 00:14:14,830
we got an email from Lily's school...
438
00:14:14,831 --> 00:14:16,198
- Mom.
- What?
439
00:14:16,199 --> 00:14:17,967
Somebody called
and complained and said that
440
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,835
our dance team is sexist.
441
00:14:19,836 --> 00:14:21,637
Ugh, what a loser.
442
00:14:21,638 --> 00:14:24,006
- I am so sorry...
- So they're adding boys!
443
00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:26,709
I get to dance with boys.
444
00:14:26,710 --> 00:14:29,879
Chun Li's parents are awesome!
445
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,914
♪
446
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:33,849
♪ I met a girl down at the disco ♪
447
00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:35,217
♪ She said, "Hey, hey, hey" ♪
448
00:14:35,218 --> 00:14:36,919
I don't understand how this happened.
449
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,088
♪ Let's spend time not money ♪
450
00:14:39,089 --> 00:14:40,656
♪ And mix your milk ♪
451
00:14:40,657 --> 00:14:42,091
When's the last time
you saw "Inception"?
452
00:14:42,092 --> 00:14:43,225
♪ Milky, milky cocoa ♪
453
00:14:43,226 --> 00:14:44,927
- What?
- I've been on
454
00:14:44,928 --> 00:14:46,595
these message boards about, you know,
455
00:14:46,596 --> 00:14:48,030
like, climbers and stuff,
talking to guys
456
00:14:48,031 --> 00:14:49,665
- who were up on Everest.
- Mm.
457
00:14:49,666 --> 00:14:51,400
They're kind of the only ones
who can relate to me
458
00:14:51,401 --> 00:14:52,902
- at this point.
- [STAMMERING]
459
00:14:52,903 --> 00:14:54,737
People that have fallen off
of Everest?
460
00:14:54,738 --> 00:14:56,939
Well, it's just, like,
the culture of climbers
461
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,908
and, like, I'm just really in the...
462
00:14:58,909 --> 00:15:00,943
- I'm into that community now.
- Mm.
463
00:15:00,944 --> 00:15:02,611
Hey, I'm sorry
we left you up there, okay?
464
00:15:02,612 --> 00:15:04,780
I guess drinks are on us.
465
00:15:04,781 --> 00:15:06,282
And I can't move around
too well, so one of you
466
00:15:06,283 --> 00:15:08,017
has to feed me chicken wings
and one of you
467
00:15:08,018 --> 00:15:09,385
- has to help me pee.
- I call chicken wings.
468
00:15:09,386 --> 00:15:11,387
- I'll do pee.
- Oh.
469
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:13,789
Oh, I can't watch.
470
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:15,124
Talk about backfiring.
471
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:16,892
The guys have to see this.
472
00:15:16,893 --> 00:15:18,894
[PHONES CHIMING]
473
00:15:20,364 --> 00:15:21,864
♪ And move my hump ♪
474
00:15:21,865 --> 00:15:23,966
Oh, no.
475
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:26,902
Oh, they've let a boy
join Lily's dance team.
476
00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:28,304
Emet's just sent a video.
477
00:15:28,305 --> 00:15:30,139
Oh... okay, okay. David, I'm sorry,
478
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:31,374
I just... I was trying to protect her
479
00:15:31,375 --> 00:15:33,309
from having to do...
480
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:36,045
that without being the one
to crush her spirit.
481
00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,780
Well, you know what, Emet,
it didn't work.
482
00:15:37,781 --> 00:15:39,315
And now our daughter's milkshakes
483
00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:40,816
literally brought all the boys
to the yard.
484
00:15:40,817 --> 00:15:43,719
- God, he's strong.
- Oh, my God.
485
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,321
Oh, I do not like the way
486
00:15:45,322 --> 00:15:46,822
he's looking at her.
487
00:15:46,823 --> 00:15:49,291
This happens in schools?
488
00:15:49,292 --> 00:15:51,961
Ugh! [ALL GROAN]
489
00:15:51,962 --> 00:15:54,330
I bet Lily will fart
in front of him, freak out,
490
00:15:54,331 --> 00:15:56,132
and this will solve itself.
491
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:57,933
You should have fed her
your curried chick peas.
492
00:15:57,934 --> 00:16:00,002
She would have blasted him away.
493
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:01,670
Parenting is so emotionally draining.
494
00:16:01,671 --> 00:16:03,305
I'm exhausted from
worrying about Lily.
495
00:16:03,306 --> 00:16:05,441
Can we just go five minutes
without talking about the kid?
496
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,810
Besides, there's a hot girl
497
00:16:07,811 --> 00:16:09,345
right over there.
498
00:16:09,346 --> 00:16:11,981
How can you tell? She's turned away.
499
00:16:11,982 --> 00:16:14,316
I sent the drone over there
to check out the face.
500
00:16:14,317 --> 00:16:16,519
Oof, Hawking did good.
501
00:16:17,354 --> 00:16:19,188
Now that's a fresh face.
502
00:16:19,189 --> 00:16:20,923
Okay, okay, okay.
503
00:16:20,924 --> 00:16:22,491
I was hoping to avoid
being the bad guy
504
00:16:22,492 --> 00:16:24,493
for a little longer,
but obviously we have
505
00:16:24,494 --> 00:16:26,462
- to end this right now.
- I know you're concerned
506
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:28,697
about what Lily's reaction
is gonna be, but if you're cool
507
00:16:28,698 --> 00:16:30,199
and you're chill...
508
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,368
it'll be nothing like
the way Maya was with you.
509
00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:33,836
- You know what? I agree.
- Right?
510
00:16:33,837 --> 00:16:35,471
Yes.
511
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,706
Oh, my God, is he motorboating her?
512
00:16:37,707 --> 00:16:39,375
- Cool and chill!
- Hi... no, no, no.
513
00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:41,710
I'm so chill.
Hey, Lil, can we just, like,
514
00:16:41,711 --> 00:16:44,213
- talk for one quick sec?
- Mom, we're practicing.
515
00:16:44,214 --> 00:16:46,015
Yeah, no, I know. I saw that.
516
00:16:46,016 --> 00:16:47,383
That was really neat.
517
00:16:47,384 --> 00:16:49,785
Here's a thing: Um, I am totally cool
518
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:51,954
with self-expression...
really am... I just feel like
519
00:16:51,955 --> 00:16:53,355
maybe we should have
a little conversation
520
00:16:53,356 --> 00:16:55,191
about what this looks like
to other people.
521
00:16:55,192 --> 00:16:56,492
I knew the mom was gonna be uptight.
522
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:58,494
It's just dancing.
523
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:01,397
Hey there,
little "Magic Mike" wannabe.
524
00:17:01,398 --> 00:17:03,065
- Nope.
- Okay.
525
00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:04,500
No, you know what?
That is not just dancing.
526
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:07,236
That was actually
the most disturbing display
527
00:17:07,237 --> 00:17:09,472
of child gyrating I've seen
since Sia made that little girl
528
00:17:09,473 --> 00:17:10,873
dance in a cage with Shia LaBeouf.
529
00:17:10,874 --> 00:17:12,508
And by the way, these costumes...
530
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:14,376
Wow. [LAUGHS]
531
00:17:14,377 --> 00:17:15,911
These are exactly the kind
of clothing that makes juries
532
00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:18,047
extremely unsympathetic to victims.
533
00:17:18,048 --> 00:17:20,349
Oh, so, yes,
I'm all up in the tightness,
534
00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:22,184
'cause I just watched
my little baby show me
535
00:17:22,185 --> 00:17:23,886
how reproduction works.
536
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:25,221
I'm sorry, when did
kids' dancing become all,
537
00:17:25,222 --> 00:17:27,056
you know, "Oh, here! Here are my legs!
538
00:17:27,057 --> 00:17:29,425
Wide open!"
And I don't wanna say drop it
539
00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:31,160
like it's hot 'cause you're too young
540
00:17:31,161 --> 00:17:32,862
to be hot.
541
00:17:32,863 --> 00:17:34,330
And I don't wanna see
the twerking and the working
542
00:17:34,331 --> 00:17:36,098
and the jiggling and the gyrating...
543
00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:37,766
[GASPS] - [GROANS]
544
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:39,568
[GROANING]
545
00:17:39,569 --> 00:17:41,437
My entire childhood
546
00:17:41,438 --> 00:17:43,239
flashed before my very eyes.
547
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,074
Sweetie?
548
00:17:45,075 --> 00:17:47,076
Oh, my God.
549
00:17:47,077 --> 00:17:49,545
I just flung my shoe at a child.
550
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:51,046
[FUNKY MUSIC]
551
00:17:51,047 --> 00:17:52,882
I really am my mother.
552
00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:54,216
♪ Pulled up about
6:00 in the morning ♪
553
00:17:54,217 --> 00:17:56,385
Hello, there.
I see you've met Hawking,
554
00:17:56,386 --> 00:17:57,586
my drone. [LAUGHS]
555
00:17:57,587 --> 00:17:59,255
Are you guys nerds with money
556
00:17:59,256 --> 00:18:01,290
like the Facebook guy or just nerds?
557
00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:03,959
I have a decent credit limit
for my age.
558
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,127
[PHONE DINGS]
559
00:18:05,128 --> 00:18:07,396
- Oh, dear.
- Excuse me.
560
00:18:07,397 --> 00:18:09,131
Emet told Lily
she can't do dance team.
561
00:18:09,132 --> 00:18:11,967
- It did not go down well.
- Lily's gonna be so pissed.
562
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:13,469
Well, what choice did Emet have?
563
00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:14,970
The girls are growing up
564
00:18:14,971 --> 00:18:16,238
in such an oversexualized world
565
00:18:16,239 --> 00:18:17,606
I mean, just look at our video games.
566
00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:19,208
- Yeah.
- Don't look at me like
567
00:18:19,209 --> 00:18:21,110
I'm part of the problem.
I care about women.
568
00:18:21,111 --> 00:18:23,979
I'm about to buy
this nice lady a drink.
569
00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:26,215
What can Hawking and I get you, there,
570
00:18:26,216 --> 00:18:28,083
beautiful person?
571
00:18:28,084 --> 00:18:30,319
I guess I'll have a vodka cranberry.
572
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,554
[YELPS]
573
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:33,422
[ALL GASP, GROAN]
574
00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:35,157
Oh, no.
575
00:18:35,158 --> 00:18:36,825
Are you okay?
576
00:18:36,826 --> 00:18:38,494
- What are you doing?
- [GRUNTS]
577
00:18:38,495 --> 00:18:40,329
You're a bad person, Griff.
578
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:42,298
I was talking to both of them.
579
00:18:42,299 --> 00:18:44,233
♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪
580
00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:46,101
♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪
581
00:18:46,102 --> 00:18:47,970
♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪
582
00:18:52,175 --> 00:18:54,610
You know, at least Tucker's all right.
583
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,446
The shoe bounced right off
his six-pack.
584
00:18:57,447 --> 00:18:58,948
God, he's strong.
585
00:18:58,949 --> 00:19:00,583
Can't believe you embarrassed me
586
00:19:00,584 --> 00:19:02,318
in front of him.
587
00:19:02,319 --> 00:19:04,520
I held in my farts for nothing.
588
00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:07,456
That's bad.
589
00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:08,657
Who are you texting?
590
00:19:08,658 --> 00:19:10,426
Okay, that... no, that's a mean thing
591
00:19:10,427 --> 00:19:12,094
to say about your mother.
592
00:19:12,095 --> 00:19:13,929
I'm gonna put more
parental controls on this.
593
00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:15,998
Will you... help me do that?
594
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,169
Look, Lily, I am sorry.
595
00:19:20,170 --> 00:19:22,004
I really am.
596
00:19:23,039 --> 00:19:25,541
I think you're a great dancer.
597
00:19:26,376 --> 00:19:28,277
And I think
you should keep doing it...
598
00:19:28,278 --> 00:19:30,613
just not on that dance team.
599
00:19:30,614 --> 00:19:32,014
And not like that.
600
00:19:32,015 --> 00:19:33,949
Oh, God, and not in that costume.
601
00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:36,552
I was in the yard
when you went loony, Mom.
602
00:19:36,553 --> 00:19:39,488
- I know.
- Okay, maybe I was turning
603
00:19:39,489 --> 00:19:41,357
into my mom a little.
604
00:19:41,358 --> 00:19:43,459
- Here's your shoe.
- But at least I was trying
605
00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:45,527
to be a better version of her.
Good night, Mom.
606
00:19:45,528 --> 00:19:48,163
Oh, God, are we wearing
the same jean jacket?
607
00:19:48,164 --> 00:19:49,465
Right. This is the worst day
608
00:19:49,466 --> 00:19:50,666
of my life.
609
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,401
[MELLOW MUSIC]
610
00:19:52,402 --> 00:19:54,303
At least my journey
inspired someone else
611
00:19:54,304 --> 00:19:56,405
to be the best version
of themselves, too.
612
00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:58,307
- I think that's...
- Hey, guys.
613
00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,908
Oh, hey, Emet.
614
00:19:59,909 --> 00:20:01,410
The four of us dudes
couldn't stop thinking
615
00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:03,245
- about your little girl.
- That's a sentence
616
00:20:03,246 --> 00:20:05,414
- I never wanna hear.
- So we took your sketches
617
00:20:05,415 --> 00:20:08,150
and managed to come up with
a strong female protagonist
618
00:20:08,151 --> 00:20:10,986
for the new game.
619
00:20:10,987 --> 00:20:12,655
We thought it would be cool
to make a character
620
00:20:12,656 --> 00:20:15,557
that's a role model for girls
instead of...
621
00:20:15,558 --> 00:20:17,426
bowling ball boobs.
622
00:20:17,427 --> 00:20:19,728
Aww, you guys!
623
00:20:21,064 --> 00:20:23,098
Seriously, you're gonna try
and pretend that's your idea?
624
00:20:23,099 --> 00:20:24,433
I've been trying to do that forever.
625
00:20:24,434 --> 00:20:26,268
Why do guys take
women's stuff and pretend
626
00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:29,038
they've just brilliantly
come up with it?
627
00:20:29,039 --> 00:20:32,107
Because it's been working
for the last 10,000 years.
628
00:20:32,108 --> 00:20:34,443
I really do like her.
629
00:20:34,444 --> 00:20:36,078
Yeah.
630
00:20:36,079 --> 00:20:39,114
Plus she's gonna be really hot
when she gets older.
631
00:20:39,115 --> 00:20:41,183
You're a bad person, Griff.
632
00:20:41,184 --> 00:20:43,085
He knows.
633
00:20:43,086 --> 00:20:44,586
♪
634
00:20:44,587 --> 00:20:46,522
- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, hey, guys.
635
00:20:46,523 --> 00:20:49,291
I got Louie that Hot Wheels he wanted.
636
00:20:49,292 --> 00:20:50,559
- [LAUGHING]
- Okay, he doesn't need
637
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,727
- more toys, Mom.
- You don't know
638
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:53,762
- what they need.
- Oh, God.
639
00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:55,397
I need to go. Somebody take this.
640
00:20:55,398 --> 00:20:57,132
Yes, yes, yes. Hey... Dad, hey,
641
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:59,134
I'm gonna walk Simone out.
Could you watch Jake?
642
00:20:59,135 --> 00:21:01,036
Well, I was just diagnosed
with cataracts
643
00:21:01,037 --> 00:21:02,404
in both eyes, so yes,
644
00:21:02,405 --> 00:21:04,606
but not very well.
645
00:21:04,607 --> 00:21:07,142
Did you hear that? My dad can't see.
646
00:21:07,143 --> 00:21:09,044
This is great.
I don't look like my mom yet.
647
00:21:09,045 --> 00:21:11,080
- Amazing.
- All right, baby.
648
00:21:11,081 --> 00:21:13,115
- We gotta go.
- [GASPS]
649
00:21:14,484 --> 00:21:16,585
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC]
650
00:21:16,586 --> 00:21:18,620
What's wrong with you, man?
651
00:21:18,621 --> 00:21:20,489
I don't know.
652
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:21,490
♪
653
00:21:21,491 --> 00:21:23,325
Hey.
654
00:21:23,326 --> 00:21:25,127
Well, that doesn't feel great.
655
00:21:25,525 --> 00:21:31,682
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