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1
00:00:06,834 --> 00:00:09,083
♪ (HIP-HOP PLAYING) ♪
2
00:00:09,291 --> 00:00:11,542
-Guys?
-He came in the back.
3
00:00:11,542 --> 00:00:12,792
Richard, we need to talk.
4
00:00:12,792 --> 00:00:14,291
Well, actually,
let me just say something.
5
00:00:14,291 --> 00:00:15,917
Um, I'm quitting.
6
00:00:15,917 --> 00:00:17,125
Wait, what?
7
00:00:17,125 --> 00:00:19,208
Richard! I was
waiting out front.
8
00:00:19,208 --> 00:00:20,583
They want to ambush you
and replace you,
9
00:00:20,583 --> 00:00:22,041
but I had nothing to do with it.
10
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,041
♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
11
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,125
RICHARD HENDRICKS:
I want to build a new internet.
12
00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:28,542
You have the best technology
that I've ever seen.
13
00:00:28,542 --> 00:00:29,875
You can change the world.
14
00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,166
ERLICH BACHMAN: We are not
shutting down. We are so close.
15
00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:36,291
When we get in the room,
I'll do all the talking.
16
00:00:36,291 --> 00:00:38,375
There's something called
"mansplaining," ladies.
17
00:00:38,375 --> 00:00:40,208
-Have you heard about this?
-WOMAN: We... we know what
mansplaining is.
18
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,208
I'm sure you think
you know what it is, but--
19
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,834
If we have to bend a few rules
here and there,
20
00:00:44,834 --> 00:00:46,041
it's all for the greater good.
21
00:00:46,041 --> 00:00:47,041
(DOORBELL RINGS)
22
00:00:47,041 --> 00:00:48,625
Richard, you are a bad guy.
23
00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:51,291
RICHARD:
You all thought I was crazy.
24
00:00:51,291 --> 00:00:52,375
Turns out I'm not.
25
00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:55,250
Not crazy.
Opposite, you poor idiots.
26
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,125
Yep, not crazy. Opposite.
27
00:01:01,125 --> 00:01:03,166
♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS OUT) ♪
28
00:01:16,458 --> 00:01:18,792
(theme music playing)
29
00:01:21,625 --> 00:01:23,750
♪ Animals ♪
30
00:01:25,625 --> 00:01:28,333
♪ Animals ♪
31
00:01:33,250 --> 00:01:36,625
♪ ♪
32
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,333
(horns honking)
33
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,166
(sniffs)
34
00:01:58,166 --> 00:01:59,333
(whines)
35
00:02:03,708 --> 00:02:06,083
(bell rings)
36
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:08,542
God, dude,
this fucking sucks.
37
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:10,417
This is your fault.
It's not my
fucking fault, Mike.
38
00:02:10,417 --> 00:02:11,917
Phil, Mike.
What?
39
00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:14,375
What you've done
is absolutely unacceptable.
40
00:02:14,375 --> 00:02:16,166
You're lucky I didn't
call the police.
41
00:02:16,166 --> 00:02:17,875
Simon, you're a fucking
rat snitch, dude.
42
00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:19,875
You want to be our friend
and you fucking come in here,
43
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:21,000
you fucking tell on us?
44
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,583
Well, you put
a marker up my butt.
45
00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:24,375
Dude, I can't believe
I have to say this again.
46
00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:26,917
It was a prank. Have you ever
heard of a prank before?
47
00:02:26,917 --> 00:02:28,667
Jamie Kennedy,
Ashton Kutcher,
48
00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:30,083
Justin Bieber
after Ashton Kutcher,
49
00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,458
those are all
master prankers, dude.
50
00:02:31,458 --> 00:02:33,208
Hall of Fame of
prankers right there.
Hall of Fame.
51
00:02:33,208 --> 00:02:35,625
Technically, Simon,
you shoved the marker
up your own butt.
52
00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:37,959
Up your own butt.
Mr. Leif, up his own butt.
53
00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:40,041
Enough. The two of you
and your pranks
54
00:02:40,041 --> 00:02:43,166
have disrupted the school day
countless times
55
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:44,500
for countless students.
56
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:45,583
You've pranked too much.
57
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,333
Principal Leif, I don't
know if you know this,
58
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,750
but I don't have a dad.
59
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,959
And it's hard to grow up without
a male influence in your life.
60
00:02:50,959 --> 00:02:52,834
My buddy Mike, he's got a mom
and a dad. So I think that
61
00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:55,000
maybe he should bear the brunt
of the punishment at this time
62
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,834
because he's got
a mom and a dad.
Fuck you, dude.
63
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,792
I got no daddy, dude.
You use that
excuse for everything.
64
00:02:58,792 --> 00:03:00,917
No, I don't. Principal Leif,
will you be my papa?
65
00:03:00,917 --> 00:03:03,834
My mama's real pretty,
You can have sex with her.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
66
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,750
I'm clearly
not getting through to you.
67
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,125
So I have to issue a punishment.
68
00:03:07,125 --> 00:03:08,417
Ring the punishment bell.
69
00:03:08,417 --> 00:03:09,458
(bell dings)
70
00:03:09,458 --> 00:03:11,083
Community service all weekend.
What?
71
00:03:11,083 --> 00:03:13,792
Come on.
You're gonna scrub the graffiti
in the back hallway.
72
00:03:13,792 --> 00:03:14,959
Bell again.
(dings)
73
00:03:14,959 --> 00:03:17,708
Also, Simon gets one
re-prank on Phil.
74
00:03:17,708 --> 00:03:18,959
Yes!
That's just a prank law.
75
00:03:18,959 --> 00:03:20,000
No bell.
76
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,083
Now get out
of my sight.
77
00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:23,250
(muttering) Fucking
Principal Little Dick--
78
00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:24,792
Principal what?
I didn't say anything.
79
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,000
I said Principal Leif.
I heard you say Principal
Little Dick.
80
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,667
Dude, just go, just go.
I'm going.
81
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:29,959
Oh, Phil,
one more thing.
82
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,041
Yeah, Principal Leif?
83
00:03:31,041 --> 00:03:32,291
Fuck you.
84
00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:34,000
No one will believe I said it.
85
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,542
Saturday fucking
community service, dude.
86
00:03:38,542 --> 00:03:41,291
I feel like I'm a goddamn
drunk driver or something.
87
00:03:41,291 --> 00:03:42,417
Mm.
What is that?
88
00:03:42,417 --> 00:03:43,917
Dude, check it out.
Did you just draw that?
89
00:03:43,917 --> 00:03:45,583
Yeah. Yeah.
Is that Saves the Day?
90
00:03:45,583 --> 00:03:47,208
I fucking love
that song, dude.
I do, too.
91
00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:48,583
"You Vandal"?
Mmm, no.
92
00:03:48,583 --> 00:03:50,417
See, you don't even
know Saves the Day
that well.
93
00:03:50,417 --> 00:03:53,000
No, I know Saves the Day, dude,
I just don't know words.
You don't even know.
94
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,291
I get all confused
when it's written down.
It's weird to me.
95
00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:56,542
Ooh, Michael!
96
00:03:56,542 --> 00:03:57,959
Is that a lyric
from Newsies?
97
00:03:57,959 --> 00:03:59,750
What the fuck
are you doing here, Simon?
98
00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:02,458
I'm spending time with my boys,
my best friends.
99
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:05,000
Okay.
Are we seriously
your best friends, dude?
100
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,291
Because we don't
even like you at all.
No.
101
00:04:07,291 --> 00:04:10,333
That's weird,
because I love you guys.
102
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,625
You're Phil and Mike,
you're cool.
103
00:04:12,625 --> 00:04:14,000
You don't care
about anything.
104
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,375
Simon. (burps)
105
00:04:15,375 --> 00:04:17,333
(laughs) Right, dude?
(laughs)
106
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,625
Sick?
Sick.
107
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,000
I got one. I got one.
108
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,000
(vomits)
109
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,625
Ugh. Sorry I made a mess.
Simon!
110
00:04:23,625 --> 00:04:26,375
Simon, we have to fucking
clean that up now, dude.
What the fuck?
111
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:28,250
I'm so sorry, guys.
God, Simon.
112
00:04:28,250 --> 00:04:29,959
What can I do
to be more like you guys?
113
00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:31,375
What can I do
to be in the group?
114
00:04:31,375 --> 00:04:33,000
Simon, you're a dunce.
115
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,375
You're a dweeb.
I'm a dinger.
116
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,000
Exactly, you're a dinger.
You're getting it.
117
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,041
What you need
is some sort of...
118
00:04:38,041 --> 00:04:39,333
currency to make up
for it.
119
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,583
Do you have a big house
we can party at?
120
00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:44,208
A really hot sister
that we could possibly
make out with?
121
00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:46,959
Do you have a mom that keeps
Oxycodone in her purse
that she leaves around?
122
00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:48,917
These are just ideas.
Do you got anything, buddy?
123
00:04:48,917 --> 00:04:50,834
Because right now,
you're just not cutting it.
124
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:52,875
Actually, um, yeah.
125
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,041
I, uh, I do have
something cool.
126
00:04:55,041 --> 00:04:57,208
But it's my secret.
127
00:04:57,208 --> 00:04:59,250
Hmm.
So you have to promise
128
00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:01,375
on your mother's life,
'cause that's all you have,
129
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:04,000
and both your parents' lives
'cause that's all you have,
130
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,291
that you're not gonna
tell anyone!
Whoa.
131
00:05:07,291 --> 00:05:09,875
And then I will show you
the secret of a lifetime.
132
00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:12,875
And if that doesn't get me
into the cool kids club,
I don't know what will.
133
00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:14,083
Hmm.
134
00:05:14,083 --> 00:05:16,625
We're in.
Let's do this.
Let's see what you got.
135
00:05:16,625 --> 00:05:19,375
Yes!
Follow me, boys.
136
00:05:19,375 --> 00:05:21,583
♪ Follow me this way ♪
God, did you
see him curtsy?
137
00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:23,417
If it's a dead little kid
he's been torturing,
138
00:05:23,417 --> 00:05:25,166
I'm gonna be super pissed.
139
00:05:25,166 --> 00:05:28,750
♪ Follow me,
secret to show you ♪
Okay, no, no, no--
140
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,375
Gentlemen,
prepare to be amazed.
141
00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:33,375
Again, a reminder,
mum's the word on this.
142
00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:37,000
What the fuck dude?
Holy shit.
143
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,125
Is that a fucking...
144
00:05:38,125 --> 00:05:39,417
human baby?
145
00:05:39,417 --> 00:05:41,917
I call him... Bebe.
146
00:05:41,917 --> 00:05:43,500
Bebe.
Bebe.
147
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,041
Can I-- Can I touch it?
148
00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:47,250
Yes, but please,
be delicate.
149
00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:48,417
And move slowly.
150
00:05:48,417 --> 00:05:50,417
It smells so good.
Careful, Phil.
151
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:51,667
I heard they're dangerous.
152
00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:52,959
No, this one's trained.
153
00:05:52,959 --> 00:05:54,417
Watch. Bebe, ho-ho!
154
00:05:54,417 --> 00:05:56,375
(baby coos)
Whoa, dude!
155
00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:58,250
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
What the fuck, Simon?
156
00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:00,375
Shh, shh, shh, easy, girl.
157
00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:01,458
Easy, girl.
158
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:03,667
He's actually a boy,
but I call him a girl.
159
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,125
Like my real dad did to me.
160
00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:07,417
Hmm.
Check this out,
he loves to be fed.
161
00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:08,583
Bebe, ho-ho!
162
00:06:08,583 --> 00:06:10,375
Whoa, dude!
Wow.
163
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:12,750
And he just eats it up.
He eats it,
that's incredible.
164
00:06:12,750 --> 00:06:14,250
He doesn't have any
teeth or anything.
165
00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:15,875
Look, he's chewing on me.
Mike: Wow.
166
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,291
Ow, it tickles.
167
00:06:17,291 --> 00:06:19,959
I'm sorry, Simon,
I just want to be clear.
No one knows about this?
168
00:06:19,959 --> 00:06:21,166
No, it's
completely secret.
169
00:06:21,166 --> 00:06:23,417
And I thank you guys
for making the promise
170
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:24,667
to keep it a secret earlier.
171
00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:26,458
Hey, Phil, can I talk to you
over here.
Yeah. Sure.
172
00:06:26,458 --> 00:06:28,708
I'm thinking the same
exact thing you're thinking.
173
00:06:28,708 --> 00:06:30,625
You have cartoon dollar signs
coming out of your eyes.
174
00:06:30,625 --> 00:06:32,417
Dude, this thing is
a cash cow!
175
00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:34,083
Who wouldn't want to pay
to see a human baby?
176
00:06:34,083 --> 00:06:36,375
Yes, dude, it's that
Simpson's episode
with the elephant,
177
00:06:36,375 --> 00:06:38,166
but we're charging
to see a human baby.
178
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:40,959
It's a modern day improvement.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
179
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:43,875
No! We are not
commercializing Bebe.
180
00:06:43,875 --> 00:06:48,000
You know, there's a lot
of upkeep that takes place
when caring for a Bebe.
181
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,792
You gotta feed it.
You gotta clean it.
You gotta care for it.
182
00:06:50,792 --> 00:06:53,458
Simon, you've been doing
all that for the past
few weeks, right?
183
00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:54,708
Happily so.
Great.
184
00:06:54,708 --> 00:06:56,041
So you can
keep doing that,
185
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,458
and I'll just handle
the front end of it.
186
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:59,250
Yes. Correct.
Lot of attention
on me and the baby.
187
00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:00,708
Phil and the Baby Show,
something like that.
188
00:07:00,708 --> 00:07:02,583
Yeah, I'll handle, like,
the money and production.
Great.
189
00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:04,333
This is fantastic.
I think we figured
out our roles.
190
00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:06,083
We're good.
We're happy to have you
aboard, Simon.
191
00:07:06,083 --> 00:07:07,208
Thank you, so much.
Hey, Simon,
192
00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:08,417
hands in,
buddy, huh?
193
00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:10,834
Phil and Mike, holding hands
with us? Feels pretty good.
194
00:07:10,834 --> 00:07:13,166
All right.
Bebe money on three.
195
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,000
All:
One, two, three.
196
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,000
Bebe money!
197
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,458
There's that smile.
198
00:07:18,458 --> 00:07:20,125
I love you guys.
I love you guys.
199
00:07:20,125 --> 00:07:22,375
Wow, so hard
with the L word, dude.
200
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:26,208
♪ ♪
201
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,417
(coughs)
202
00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:35,500
(sniffles)
203
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:42,875
♪ Tom pens me a pink letter ♪
204
00:07:42,875 --> 00:07:48,375
♪ Says please could you lend me
some Red Roulette ♪
205
00:07:57,291 --> 00:07:59,000
(excited chattering)
206
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,708
All right, human baby
up close, guys!
207
00:08:00,708 --> 00:08:03,583
Two pence, two pence.
Throw the money in the hat.
Throw the money in the hat.
208
00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:06,542
Andy, what's going on, man?
Okay, I'm not paying.
209
00:08:06,542 --> 00:08:08,250
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that?
210
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:10,875
I'm not gonna pay
a friend to see a baby.
211
00:08:10,875 --> 00:08:12,375
Andy, breathe in deep.
212
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:14,708
(sniffs)
You smell that?
It's a live human baby.
213
00:08:14,708 --> 00:08:16,041
There's nothing like that.
It's alive?
214
00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:17,708
Yes.
I thought it was
a dead baby.
215
00:08:17,708 --> 00:08:19,708
Oh, no, we're not--
The baby's alive?
216
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,333
Yes, dude.
Okay, okay, okay.
217
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,417
And how much is it again?
Two pence. That's all.
218
00:08:23,417 --> 00:08:25,333
Here's your fucking tuppence.
There it is.
219
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,875
Andy's seeing the baby.
Andy!
220
00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:28,250
Andy's on board, huh?
All right!
221
00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:29,708
Let me see
the fucking baby.
222
00:08:29,708 --> 00:08:31,250
Phil:
Is this thing on? Oh.
(feedback whines)
223
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:34,333
Ladies and gentlemen,
the moment you've all
been waiting for,
224
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:38,083
a live human baby!
225
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,542
Mikey, curtain.
226
00:08:40,542 --> 00:08:42,083
(crowd gasps)
227
00:08:42,083 --> 00:08:44,083
Bebe. Bebe.
228
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:48,542
Oh, my God...
229
00:08:48,542 --> 00:08:50,959
Oh, my God!
230
00:08:50,959 --> 00:08:52,417
Holy fucking shit!
231
00:08:52,417 --> 00:08:54,875
It's a fucking baby!
It's bigger than me!
232
00:08:54,875 --> 00:08:56,875
Are you guys seeing this?
Look at that!
233
00:08:56,875 --> 00:08:58,417
That thing
is fucking huge!
234
00:08:58,417 --> 00:09:00,250
(laughing and applauding)
235
00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:02,834
♪ ♪
236
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,125
(cheering)
237
00:09:08,458 --> 00:09:09,917
Bebe, save your
energy now.
238
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,500
We got three more
shows to do, okay?
239
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,208
Ol' Papa Simon gonna
take care of you now, Bebe.
240
00:09:14,208 --> 00:09:16,500
Ol' Papa Simon here now
to take care of you.
241
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:19,625
(chanting)
Baby! Baby! Baby!
242
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,291
Show us the baby!
243
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:24,125
(applause)
(laughing) Yes! Yes!
244
00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:26,166
It's the best every time!
245
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,208
Okay, do it.
Come on, now, Bebe.
246
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:31,458
Okay, Phil, we're blowing
in three. Here we go now.
247
00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:33,083
Okay, guys,
ponchos up.
248
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,458
Oh, no, here it comes.
Here it comes.
249
00:09:34,458 --> 00:09:37,041
(sneezes)
Oh!
250
00:09:37,041 --> 00:09:39,542
Yeah!
Got me wet! Haha!
251
00:09:39,542 --> 00:09:40,542
All right!
252
00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:42,792
Did you get it on you?
I got it on me.
253
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:45,291
Ooh, wow, that was
a wet one, Bebe.
254
00:09:45,291 --> 00:09:46,625
Let me clean
you up here.
255
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,291
Uh, Phil? Phil?
256
00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:50,667
Hi.
Yeah, Andy, what's up, man?
257
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,542
Sorry, just trying to break
down stuff for tonight.
258
00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:53,834
No, I see that.
I need to see the baby.
259
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,166
Real quick,
if you don't mind.
Oh, but,
260
00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:56,417
you just saw the baby.
Oh, I know.
261
00:09:56,417 --> 00:09:57,959
That was actually
the last show of the night.
262
00:09:57,959 --> 00:09:59,834
So we're gonna break down
for tomorrow.
I know, I get it.
263
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:02,166
Let me just see
the baby one more time.
I can't explain it, please.
264
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,000
I need you to quiet down
and walk away calmly.
265
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,208
Baby! Baby, it's me!
Mike, get in here.
266
00:10:06,208 --> 00:10:08,250
Baby's off the clock!
Baby's off the clock!
Oh, my God!
267
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:09,959
You brought this on
your self, Andy.
No! No! No!
268
00:10:09,959 --> 00:10:11,625
You brought this
on yourself, okay?
Come on!
269
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:13,792
I hate this.
I hate this, too.
270
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,917
This is the fucking
good life, dude.
271
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,250
I've never seen this much
money before in my life.
272
00:10:19,250 --> 00:10:21,667
Think about all the shit
we could buy, dude.
Bills, bills, bills.
273
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,917
Dude, we should get
all of 311 on vinyl.
274
00:10:23,917 --> 00:10:26,208
Yes!
Vinyl is like CDs, but bigger
and they're harder to play,
275
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,458
and like, they
sounded better in the '70s
or something like that.
276
00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:30,125
Right.
I don't really know,
but they cost a lot.
277
00:10:30,125 --> 00:10:31,500
It's gonna be sick.
Cool.
278
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,542
I'm gonna buy expensive-ass
chain wallets at Rat Hot Topic.
279
00:10:33,542 --> 00:10:35,208
Dude, Zippo lighters.
Zippo lighters, man!
280
00:10:35,208 --> 00:10:36,917
We could get 'em engraved
with our names on 'em.
281
00:10:36,917 --> 00:10:39,250
Yeah.
I'll get one that says Mike
and you get one that says Phil.
282
00:10:39,250 --> 00:10:40,708
That'd be so funny and cute.
Maybe.
283
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:43,250
Well, just be sure to spend
your pennies wisely, gentlemen.
284
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:44,625
I wouldn't get
too excited.
285
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:47,250
Simon, what the fuck
are you talking about, dude?
286
00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:49,291
Look at all this money.
Mike and I are fucking rich.
287
00:10:49,291 --> 00:10:51,708
Well, I just want to make sure
you're fiscally responsible
288
00:10:51,708 --> 00:10:54,458
because the deals
you guys signed...
289
00:10:54,458 --> 00:10:56,750
Well, I've got 'em
right here, actually.
290
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:57,917
What?
Let me see this.
291
00:10:57,917 --> 00:10:59,291
Mike, what are
those numbers?
Wait...
292
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:00,542
Are those in our
favor or his favor?
293
00:11:00,542 --> 00:11:02,792
Okay, let's see,
so I get a finder's fee,
294
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:06,708
70% overall ownership,
and 55% on merchandising.
295
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,083
Wha-- I--
And I guess you guys get...
296
00:11:09,083 --> 00:11:10,750
a little bit
less than that.
297
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,375
I--
I hope there
are no objections.
298
00:11:12,375 --> 00:11:14,875
My uncle's a pretty
powerful rat lawyer.
299
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:17,583
And let's just say
he's behind bars.
300
00:11:17,583 --> 00:11:19,000
What?
What the fuck?
301
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,917
(humming)
302
00:11:20,917 --> 00:11:22,291
Okay, we're in
trouble here.
303
00:11:22,291 --> 00:11:24,208
Contractually,
Simon is our boss.
304
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:27,208
Simon's my boss?
But he's littler than us?
305
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,583
And I'm cooler
than him in school.
306
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:30,917
He got us.
Why didn't you read
the freaking thing?
307
00:11:30,917 --> 00:11:32,083
You're the smart one.
Aargh!
308
00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:33,583
I literally thought
he wanted our autographs.
309
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,583
I know, he's such a fucking nerd
that I thought that too.
310
00:11:35,583 --> 00:11:37,583
Yeah.
I didn't read that
piece of paper.
311
00:11:37,583 --> 00:11:39,917
I don't have a dad, so I don't
know how to read, okay?
312
00:11:39,917 --> 00:11:41,083
That's my problem.
313
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:43,166
Boys, I see a lot
of talking,
314
00:11:43,166 --> 00:11:44,417
not a lot of working.
315
00:11:44,417 --> 00:11:45,917
Phil, you're on diaper duty,
316
00:11:45,917 --> 00:11:48,333
and, Mike, you're on
nail clipping this week.
317
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,291
That baby's butt
isn't gonna clean itself.
318
00:11:50,291 --> 00:11:53,792
Trust me. (laughs)
Spent a lot of time
with that butthole.
319
00:11:53,792 --> 00:11:56,750
(humming)
320
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,125
Why the hell
am I on ass duty
321
00:11:58,125 --> 00:12:00,083
when Mike just gets
to clip the toenails?
322
00:12:00,083 --> 00:12:01,333
This freaking sucks.
323
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,625
Heh. Ass doodie.
324
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:06,083
(whispers in Elvish)
325
00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:07,583
All right,
this isn't so ba--
326
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:08,792
Oh, God, no!
327
00:12:10,125 --> 00:12:11,625
Fuck.
328
00:12:11,625 --> 00:12:13,792
(cheering)
329
00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:18,625
No, no, no, no, no.
330
00:12:18,625 --> 00:12:20,375
No. No, you listen to me!
331
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:22,708
No, fuck you!
I told you!
332
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:24,792
Bebe don't do birthday parties!
333
00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:28,000
Okay, okay. You take the phone
you're talking to me with
334
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,166
and you shove it right up
your goddamn ass!
335
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,500
Piece of fucking shit!
336
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:35,542
Hey, Diane, hold my calls,
okay, sweetie?
337
00:12:35,542 --> 00:12:38,083
(inhales)
Ooh!
338
00:12:38,083 --> 00:12:39,208
Simon's house!
339
00:12:39,208 --> 00:12:41,500
Ooh, I'm the king
of the castle, baby!
340
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,166
I own rat town! Whoo!
341
00:12:44,166 --> 00:12:47,500
♪ ♪
342
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,542
(Bebe coos, farts)
343
00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:59,750
Guys, come on,
it's a human fucking baby.
344
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,917
It's the seventh wonder
of the fucking sewers!
345
00:13:01,917 --> 00:13:03,208
I'm bored
with the baby.
346
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:04,625
I hate this baby.
347
00:13:04,625 --> 00:13:05,708
Fuck your baby!
348
00:13:06,917 --> 00:13:08,834
Andy, come on,
you want to see the baby, right?
349
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:10,500
Not really.
I'm not interested.
350
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:11,875
How are you not interested?
351
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,041
You were just obsessed
with the baby, dude!
I don't know.
352
00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:15,083
It lost its luster.
353
00:13:15,083 --> 00:13:16,750
We just need to hit
our minimum for the day
354
00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:18,542
or else Simon's gonna
come down on me, dude.
355
00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:20,417
Wow. Look at you.
Andy, don't look
at me like that.
356
00:13:20,417 --> 00:13:22,542
Don't fucking look
at me like that.
I gotta go.
357
00:13:22,542 --> 00:13:25,250
Dude, where are you
fucking going, man?
358
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:28,750
This... This is not
fun anymore, right?
359
00:13:28,750 --> 00:13:31,250
No. Why don't we just
let the baby go free?
Yeah!
360
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:34,333
I mean, this is honestly
starting to feel like
Blackfish or something.
361
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:35,875
Yeah.
Like Whitebaby.
362
00:13:35,875 --> 00:13:37,875
Yeah. That's actually
a good one.
Heh. Thanks.
363
00:13:37,875 --> 00:13:40,375
You know what?
Fuck this, dude.
Let's just quit.
364
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:42,208
Bebe...
(speaks Elvish)
365
00:13:42,208 --> 00:13:44,250
Hey, Simon, I gotta
tell you, man. I don't think--
366
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,542
Ack!
367
00:13:45,542 --> 00:13:46,959
Oh, what the fuck?
368
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:50,250
That was funny.
I'll pay tuppence for that shit.
369
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:53,208
Did you see
that fucking pussy
sucker punch me?
370
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,250
Hey, hit him back!
(cheering)
371
00:13:55,250 --> 00:13:57,125
(whistling)
Whoo!
372
00:13:57,125 --> 00:14:01,667
Hey, Phil, why don't you,
uh, fight the baby?
373
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:04,083
(cheering)
374
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:07,041
Dude, Simon, you were the one
who was worried about
its health before.
375
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:09,667
We are not resorting to violence
for cheap entertainment.
376
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:11,875
Poop jokes, maybe,
but not violence.
Yeah. It's cheap.
377
00:14:11,875 --> 00:14:15,125
Look around, guys.
Just seconds ago,
they were about to walk out.
378
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:17,750
As soon as that baby hit you,
it's all eyes on us.
379
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,375
No one wants this
baby act anymore.
380
00:14:19,375 --> 00:14:20,917
We need to spice
things up, okay?
381
00:14:20,917 --> 00:14:22,458
Or we're gonna be
flat on our asses
382
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:25,625
sucking each other off
for laughs, man!
What?
383
00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:28,250
Look, I got expensive
habits now,
384
00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:30,333
and Daddy wants
what Daddy gets.
385
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,708
And if Daddy needs
to open up a diamond mine
to get some blood,
386
00:14:32,708 --> 00:14:34,166
he'll fuck a dead dog to do it.
387
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:36,542
Simon, you took a turn.
I kinda like him though
388
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,417
'cause he's like,
dark and confident.
Yeah.
389
00:14:38,417 --> 00:14:42,333
Seems to me like
Phil and Mike are both
pussy-ass babies themselves!
390
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,583
(crowd jeering)
I'm not a fucking baby.
I'm not a fucking pussy.
391
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:46,208
We're not fucking babies.
Straight up, dude.
392
00:14:46,208 --> 00:14:47,542
Prove it!
Fine.
393
00:14:47,542 --> 00:14:49,250
Ahem. Give me that mic.
394
00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:51,792
On Sunday night...
395
00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:55,500
I'm gonna
fuck this baby up!
396
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,083
(cheering)
397
00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:01,959
♪ ♪
398
00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:14,792
♪ Do you find it gets
a little easier ♪
399
00:15:14,792 --> 00:15:20,708
♪ Each time you
make it disappear? ♪
400
00:15:26,542 --> 00:15:31,208
♪ Oh, fools, the magician
bends the rules ♪
401
00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:35,542
♪ As the crowd watches
his every move ♪
402
00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:38,667
(whistling)
403
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:42,291
♪ I'm just crazy about
my little tulip ♪
404
00:15:42,291 --> 00:15:44,834
♪ I love her so,
I love her so ♪
405
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:47,208
(humming)
406
00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:49,000
Tulip, I'm home!
407
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,333
Ugh, it was a hell of a day at
work, I'll tell you that much.
408
00:15:51,333 --> 00:15:54,333
(male) Oh, yeah, baby!
Oh God.
Hello?
409
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,917
What is that?
410
00:15:55,917 --> 00:15:58,000
The sound of a man moaning?
Oh, you're so beautiful.
411
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,583
Hmm. Sounds like
a porno movie.
412
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,208
Is Tulip watching
a stag film?
413
00:16:01,208 --> 00:16:02,917
You're my queen, baby.
I'm your drone.
Tulip?
414
00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:05,417
Oh, give me that pollen!
Get it all over my legs!
415
00:16:05,417 --> 00:16:07,417
Hey! What the fuck is this?!
416
00:16:07,417 --> 00:16:09,208
Oh, shit, sorry, sorry.
I got-- I got--
417
00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:10,708
Who the fuck are you?!
418
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,917
I can explain, I'm sorry!
What the fuck?!
419
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,291
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, my name's Todd.
420
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:16,542
I didn't know
she was your flower.
421
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,708
Todd?
Yeah.
422
00:16:17,708 --> 00:16:19,792
From the gym?
Yeah, from the gym
at the hive.
423
00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,041
I saw you shit
in the shower!
424
00:16:21,041 --> 00:16:22,417
Right. That's my thing.
425
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,667
Why are you pollinating
with my Tulip?!
She didn't--
426
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,333
She didn't tell me
she was committed, okay?
427
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,750
I didn't know this
was happening.
Just shut up for a minute, okay?
428
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:30,000
Can I talk to my woman?
429
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,708
Tulip, sweetie, baby.
430
00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:34,250
I thought things were going
so great between us?
431
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:36,125
You know? I--
432
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:38,208
I know. I know.
433
00:16:38,208 --> 00:16:39,917
And I'm working on that.
434
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:41,875
But that's what I'm saying.
435
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,417
No, no, no, you go.
I don't want to interrupt.
436
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,250
(sniffs)
I wish I had a time machine
437
00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:49,750
and make everything right again.
438
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:51,083
(crying)
439
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:53,792
Listen, man,
I think I'm gonna just buzz off,
I'm gonna bee out.
440
00:16:53,792 --> 00:16:57,000
Hey, listen, this isn't
a Jerry Seinfeld movie,
okay, this is life.
441
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,125
Did he make a movie?
I thought he was a TV guy?
442
00:16:59,125 --> 00:17:00,375
You didn't audition for that?
443
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:01,959
No, I don't--
I don't audition a lot.
444
00:17:01,959 --> 00:17:04,375
I did some motion capture
on that film. It was
a good experience.
445
00:17:04,375 --> 00:17:05,417
Oh, wow,
that's really cool.
446
00:17:05,417 --> 00:17:06,834
Mm-hmm. We improv'ed
a lot, too.
447
00:17:06,834 --> 00:17:09,917
Oh, Jerry Seinfeld's one of the
funniest comedians of all time.
448
00:17:09,917 --> 00:17:11,375
He's one of the greats.
Yeah.
449
00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:13,250
Bee Movie,
it's called.
450
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,542
You know, if the circumstances
were different,
451
00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:17,166
maybe I'd consider you
a friend,
452
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,917
but she's my flower, man!
453
00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:21,667
I thought all these flowers
were fair game, man, I'm sorry.
I didn't--
454
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,208
Whip it out.
What?
455
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:24,250
You whip it out.
456
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,792
Whip it out--
Oh, really?
I wanna see it.
457
00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:26,959
Is that what
it's coming down to?
458
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:28,458
What do you got
that I don't have, huh?
459
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:30,125
We don't need to do this
to prove anything.
460
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:32,166
What's the matter?
You're ashamed of your
stinger now?
461
00:17:32,166 --> 00:17:33,458
I'm not ashamed
of anything.
462
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:34,542
Check this out.
463
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:37,333
What are you doing?
Ha! Nice and sharp, huh?
464
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:38,458
You gotta
take a chill pill.
465
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,625
Come on, pull it out.
Sorry.
466
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,834
Come on, come on.
No, man.
467
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:42,125
It's okay.
You don't have the wings?
468
00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:43,291
You don't have the wings?
I'm not--
469
00:17:43,291 --> 00:17:45,041
All right, you wanna see it?
I wanna see it.
470
00:17:45,041 --> 00:17:46,917
Here you go.
471
00:17:46,917 --> 00:17:49,208
(gasps)
The fuck is that, dude?
472
00:17:49,208 --> 00:17:52,250
It's a beautiful stinger,
is what that is. Look at that.
473
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:55,083
Well, I... I got nothing.
474
00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,458
You got nothing on that?
475
00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,542
I'm gonna beat
the fucking shit out of you!
476
00:17:58,542 --> 00:18:00,458
Oh, yeah?
Your ass is grass,
477
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,083
and I'm a lawn mower, bro!
478
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:03,125
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
479
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,208
You son of a--
Come here!
480
00:18:05,208 --> 00:18:06,834
(both grunting)
481
00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:11,041
♪ Stan ♪
482
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:16,000
♪ You honey sucking bee ♪
483
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,333
Oh, wow--
Hey, hey, shut up.
Just listen.
484
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:21,417
♪ I just can't be for you ♪
485
00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:23,000
♪ You know? ♪
486
00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:26,625
♪ I gotta be true ♪
487
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,041
♪ To what I have to do ♪
488
00:18:31,041 --> 00:18:33,291
(sniffs)
That's my Tulip.
489
00:18:33,291 --> 00:18:35,083
That's... our Tulip.
Our Tulip.
490
00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:37,375
♪ But pollination ♪
491
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:42,917
♪ Is bigger
than me and you ♪
492
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,792
It really puts it
in perspective, doesn't it?
493
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,792
♪ It's a subtle vibration ♪
494
00:18:49,792 --> 00:18:51,041
(music ends)
Aah!
495
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,750
He killed her!
He fucking killed her!
Oh, no!
496
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:54,959
Let's sting this guy!
Are you kidding me?
497
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:57,500
If we sting this guy,
it's curtains for both of us.
498
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:58,750
I'm in. Are you?
499
00:18:58,750 --> 00:19:00,208
For Tulip.
For Tulip.
500
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:01,792
Good night, cruel world.
501
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,333
Both:
Kamikaze!
502
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:04,667
♪ ♪
503
00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:06,875
In other news, two bees
have kamikazed themselves
504
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:08,417
in what seems to be
a lovers' quarrel.
505
00:19:08,417 --> 00:19:11,083
Suffice it to say
the hive will not mourn
this selfish insolence.
506
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,959
Love live the hive!
All hail the hive!
507
00:19:12,959 --> 00:19:14,917
♪ All hail the hive ♪
508
00:19:14,917 --> 00:19:17,542
♪ And Jerry Seinfeld ♪
509
00:19:17,542 --> 00:19:20,875
♪ Is our one, true god ♪
510
00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:25,542
♪ ♪
511
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,125
♪ Chocolate, cinnamon sugar ♪
512
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:32,792
Brochures! Brochures!
513
00:19:32,792 --> 00:19:36,417
Phil versus the Baby!
Fresh merch right here!
514
00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:39,083
We got hats, caps,
shirts, bandannas.
515
00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:41,166
We got a tuft of
the baby's fucking hair!
516
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:42,750
We got a vial of its blood!
517
00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:44,333
Look at this
shark's tooth necklace,
518
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,792
but that's the baby's toenail.
519
00:19:45,792 --> 00:19:47,834
One of a kind!
You want a T-shirt, kid?
520
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:48,917
You know what?
Fuck off!
521
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:51,125
(dramatic music starts)
(crowd cheers)
522
00:19:54,417 --> 00:19:56,166
Ladies and gentlemen,
523
00:19:56,166 --> 00:19:58,083
at a whopping
3.5 inches tall,
524
00:19:58,083 --> 00:19:59,625
please put your
hands together
525
00:19:59,625 --> 00:20:02,250
for Phil!
526
00:20:02,250 --> 00:20:04,708
(rock music plays)
(crowd booing)
527
00:20:04,708 --> 00:20:06,583
(cracking)
528
00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:12,291
(murmuring)
529
00:20:12,291 --> 00:20:14,458
And in the other corner,
530
00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:17,917
weighing in at
over 400 pounds,
531
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:21,000
The Baby!
532
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,250
(speaks Elvish)
533
00:20:24,250 --> 00:20:25,291
Bebe, up-up!
534
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:28,333
(crowd gasps)
535
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:30,667
As the prophecies foretold...
536
00:20:30,667 --> 00:20:31,917
the baby walks.
537
00:20:31,917 --> 00:20:34,750
Oh, my God,
his first steps.
Aww.
538
00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:39,458
My God, it's beautiful.
Such grace, such beauty.
539
00:20:39,458 --> 00:20:43,041
Yes. I'm a god now.
540
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:45,375
(screaming)
541
00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:49,250
I am a god now!
542
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:52,542
(people murmuring)
543
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:57,375
Phil! You thought you could
bully me? Boss me around?
544
00:20:57,375 --> 00:20:59,959
Why? Because I'm a dork?
545
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,500
Because I'm a dinger?
546
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:03,667
Well, fuck you, man!
547
00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:06,834
I just wanted
to be friends. Is that so bad?
548
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,000
Am I so bad?
549
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,333
It's fucking hard
being a teenager.
550
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:13,959
Growing up is hard.
But instead of banding together,
551
00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:16,291
we just treat
each other like shit
552
00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:18,166
just to try to get laughs.
553
00:21:18,166 --> 00:21:21,166
A marker? Up my butt?
554
00:21:21,166 --> 00:21:23,625
You know, if you'd have just
let me be your friend,
555
00:21:23,625 --> 00:21:26,041
I would have shoved
a lot worse things up my butt.
556
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,667
We're all scared,
we're all confused,
557
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:32,291
and we are alone.
558
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,041
But this ends tonight.
559
00:21:34,041 --> 00:21:36,875
This is between
you and me, Phil.
560
00:21:36,875 --> 00:21:38,583
Aah!
561
00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:39,750
Oof!
(bell dings)
562
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:43,125
Haha! Come on,
you guys are loving this!
563
00:21:43,125 --> 00:21:45,542
New York City!
564
00:21:45,542 --> 00:21:46,917
Is this what you wanted?
565
00:21:46,917 --> 00:21:48,375
You wanna see some blood?
566
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:50,083
You wanna see
some blood, motherfuckers?
567
00:21:50,083 --> 00:21:51,917
Yeah!
(grunting)
568
00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:54,667
Yeah!
569
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:56,250
Oh, yeah! Oh, Phil.
570
00:21:56,250 --> 00:21:58,792
Oh, look,
Phil's sucking my dick.
571
00:21:58,792 --> 00:22:00,041
Oh-ho-ho!
572
00:22:00,041 --> 00:22:02,667
You like that, Phil?
You shouldn't have
fucked with me!
573
00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:04,667
Haha!
Simon and the Baby rule!
574
00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,500
Ho-ho, got me
out of the house tonight.
575
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,041
Now I'm sucking
Phil's dick. Ungh.
576
00:22:09,041 --> 00:22:11,750
Didn't see that one coming.
Look at that!
577
00:22:11,750 --> 00:22:13,875
Oh, I'm so gay.
578
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:15,917
Yeah, right.
579
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,333
(sirens blaring)
580
00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:20,750
Oww.
You like that?
581
00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:22,208
No, fuck off, Simon.
582
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:24,750
I'm gonna steal
Michael away from you.
583
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:26,458
Stop! Stop fighting!
584
00:22:26,458 --> 00:22:29,959
No, he's all I have!
Don't you get it, Simon?
585
00:22:29,959 --> 00:22:31,208
I'm insecure.
586
00:22:31,208 --> 00:22:33,375
Well, I have no one!
587
00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:37,291
Fuck Phil!
Who's Principal Little Dick now,
you little shit?
588
00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:38,667
All right, lot of eyes on me.
589
00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:40,375
Probably shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna go.
590
00:22:40,375 --> 00:22:42,000
Simon, please...
591
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,583
I'll do anything, dude,
just fucking stop, please.
592
00:22:45,583 --> 00:22:46,750
Anything?
593
00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:48,750
Yeah, dude, fucking anything.
594
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,583
Oh...
595
00:22:53,583 --> 00:22:54,750
(laughs)
596
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,959
I suppose I deserve this.
597
00:22:57,959 --> 00:23:00,250
Daniel, spotlight.
598
00:23:00,250 --> 00:23:01,542
I want everybody to see.
599
00:23:01,542 --> 00:23:05,458
Oh, and Phil,
leave the cap on, this time.
600
00:23:05,458 --> 00:23:07,917
with the cap on
it's even wider than the base.
601
00:23:07,917 --> 00:23:09,125
Ugh.
602
00:23:09,125 --> 00:23:10,792
(crowd gasps)
603
00:23:10,792 --> 00:23:13,583
It's deuce ex machine time.
604
00:23:13,583 --> 00:23:15,125
Run!
605
00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:16,583
Everybody run! Move!
(all shouting)
606
00:23:16,583 --> 00:23:19,667
Women and children last!
Get out of my way!
607
00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:22,083
Go, get out of here!
608
00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:24,166
Bebe! (shouts in Elvish)
609
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:26,291
You're your own Bebe, now.
610
00:23:26,291 --> 00:23:28,542
Get out of here, go.
Go on, get!
611
00:23:28,542 --> 00:23:30,125
(shouts in Elvish)
612
00:23:30,125 --> 00:23:32,375
(crying)
613
00:23:32,375 --> 00:23:33,875
(school bell rings)
614
00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:35,291
Okay, so...
615
00:23:35,291 --> 00:23:38,000
you two did absolutely
no community service.
616
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,625
Well, I mean, we tried,
and then we got sidetracked.
617
00:23:40,625 --> 00:23:43,834
And, Simon,
you tamed a human baby
618
00:23:43,834 --> 00:23:45,041
and made it your slave,
619
00:23:45,041 --> 00:23:47,041
which is a big no-no.
What? Ugh.
620
00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:48,500
But, I gotta say,
621
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,250
that little show you put on
was a lot of fun, boys.
622
00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:53,875
(chuckles)
It was, pardon my French,
623
00:23:53,875 --> 00:23:55,333
fucking balls-out crazy.
624
00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:56,583
Ha. He cursed.
625
00:23:56,583 --> 00:23:58,708
And I don't think any
of your parents would like it
626
00:23:58,708 --> 00:24:02,125
if they knew I was there,
so we're all good.
627
00:24:02,125 --> 00:24:03,542
Everybody's off the hook.
628
00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:05,125
All right.
Nice, dude.
629
00:24:05,125 --> 00:24:06,875
That's mighty cool
of you, Principal Leif.
630
00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,583
Oh, get out of here,
you scamps.
631
00:24:08,583 --> 00:24:10,041
All right.
Thank you, Principal.
632
00:24:10,041 --> 00:24:11,500
See you, Principal Leif.
633
00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:15,250
Hey, um, I don't know
what you're doing right now,
634
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:17,667
but we have a free period,
and we usually just, like,
635
00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:19,375
carve stuff into
desks in the library
636
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,333
if you want to come with us.
Yeah, that kind of stuff.
637
00:24:21,333 --> 00:24:24,291
Gentlemen,
it would be my honor.
638
00:24:24,291 --> 00:24:25,250
Cool, man.
639
00:24:25,250 --> 00:24:26,708
Oh, Phil,
one more thing.
640
00:24:26,708 --> 00:24:28,583
Oh, um,
I'll catch up with you guys.
641
00:24:28,583 --> 00:24:31,041
Oh, cool, yeah.
Don't fill up the whole desk
this time, okay?
642
00:24:31,041 --> 00:24:32,500
Okay, cool.
"Fill up," like my name.
643
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,208
We'll leave some space
for you, Phil.
644
00:24:34,208 --> 00:24:35,542
Haha, thanks, dude.
645
00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:36,875
Hey, what's up
Principal Lit--
646
00:24:36,875 --> 00:24:38,500
I mean, Principal Leif?
647
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,708
Look, Phil,
this is a little delicate,
648
00:24:40,708 --> 00:24:42,917
but I'm just gonna say it.
Go ahead.
649
00:24:42,917 --> 00:24:45,708
When you got in trouble,
I called your mother
on the telephone.
650
00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:48,959
And, um... well,
we sort of hit it off.
651
00:24:48,959 --> 00:24:50,875
We went out
on a few dates,
652
00:24:50,875 --> 00:24:52,208
and...
What?
653
00:24:52,208 --> 00:24:54,458
Well, I asked her
to marry me, Phil.
654
00:24:54,458 --> 00:24:56,458
What?
We're getting married, Phil.
655
00:24:56,458 --> 00:24:59,250
My mom?
I'm going to be your new dad.
656
00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:01,792
I got tickets to the triple-A
ball game this weekend.
657
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:03,291
I hope you'll
come with me.
658
00:25:03,291 --> 00:25:05,917
Get some hot dogs and a coke.
Really get to know each other.
659
00:25:05,917 --> 00:25:07,083
How's that sound?
660
00:25:07,083 --> 00:25:09,208
I don't know what to say,
Principal Leif.
661
00:25:09,208 --> 00:25:11,250
I mean, can...
662
00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:13,208
Can I call you Daddy?
663
00:25:13,208 --> 00:25:14,875
Oh, boy.
Can I hug you?
664
00:25:14,875 --> 00:25:16,917
Oh, this is brutal.
What's brutal?
665
00:25:16,917 --> 00:25:18,500
Oh! Ho-ho-ho!
666
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:19,750
Simon? What are you
doing here?
667
00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:22,208
You just got re-pranked!
Dude, you just got got!
668
00:25:22,208 --> 00:25:25,000
You were on the intercom,
the whole school heard you!
What the fuck? Did you--
669
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,875
You thought you had a dad?
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
670
00:25:27,875 --> 00:25:29,250
Principal Leif,
that was a prank?
671
00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:31,500
No, I would never marry your
mother. Your mother's a dump.
672
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,333
Haha! Phil thought
he had a dad!
673
00:25:34,333 --> 00:25:36,667
(laughing)
I fucking knew it was
a joke, dude.
674
00:25:36,667 --> 00:25:37,917
You thought you had a dad.
675
00:25:37,917 --> 00:25:39,750
No, dude, it was a joke
on all of you guys.
676
00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:42,083
Simon, that was hilarious,
good job, dude.
677
00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:43,583
Hey, great job
to you, Mike.
678
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:45,792
Let's do our
secret handshake.
679
00:25:45,792 --> 00:25:47,333
No! I'm losing Mike!
680
00:25:47,333 --> 00:25:49,542
(crying)
What's happening here?
681
00:25:49,542 --> 00:25:51,458
Daddy!
682
00:25:51,458 --> 00:25:53,959
Mike: Oh...
(sobbing)
683
00:25:53,959 --> 00:25:55,625
Tulip:
♪ Stan ♪
684
00:25:57,625 --> 00:26:00,959
♪ You honey-sucking bee ♪
685
00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:02,333
(coos)
686
00:26:02,333 --> 00:26:05,125
Oh, Bebe, I wish you
were there to see it.
687
00:26:05,125 --> 00:26:06,458
He cried like a--
688
00:26:06,458 --> 00:26:07,917
Well, like a baby. Haha.
689
00:26:07,917 --> 00:26:10,667
And then he got mad,
he spray-painted
Principal Leif's car,
690
00:26:10,667 --> 00:26:12,083
and that got him
a suspension.
691
00:26:12,083 --> 00:26:13,667
It's a whole thing. Yeah.
692
00:26:13,667 --> 00:26:15,959
I have a feeling he's not going
to graduate with us on time.
693
00:26:15,959 --> 00:26:18,041
(door opens)
Oh, shoot, your mom's coming.
694
00:26:18,041 --> 00:26:19,583
Okay, I'll talk to you
later, bye.
695
00:26:20,917 --> 00:26:21,959
And remember...
696
00:26:21,959 --> 00:26:23,917
(speaks Elvish)
697
00:26:25,291 --> 00:26:29,834
Tulip:
♪ I'll always love you ♪
698
00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,708
♪ But pollination ♪
699
00:26:36,083 --> 00:26:38,166
♪ Is bigger ♪
700
00:26:38,166 --> 00:26:40,375
♪ Than me and you ♪
701
00:26:42,250 --> 00:26:44,208
♪ Pollination ♪
702
00:26:45,250 --> 00:26:48,375
♪ It's a subtle vibration ♪
703
00:26:49,875 --> 00:26:52,125
♪ And hey, Stan ♪
704
00:26:53,041 --> 00:26:55,125
♪ Don't ever ♪
705
00:26:56,667 --> 00:27:00,166
♪ Tell me what to do ♪
706
00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:06,166
♪ (MAFIA MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
707
00:27:09,125 --> 00:27:11,875
I can't wait to grows up and
be just like you.
708
00:27:12,166 --> 00:27:14,708
Your destiny is something much
bigger.
709
00:27:14,917 --> 00:27:16,333
Remember my face.
710
00:27:16,333 --> 00:27:17,208
(CAT GRUNTS)
711
00:27:17,834 --> 00:27:19,208
He was a brother to all of us.
712
00:27:19,208 --> 00:27:21,542
Yeah, but he was my brother,
Mikey.
713
00:27:21,542 --> 00:27:22,708
That's the difference.
714
00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,917
New York's not some concrete
jungle where dreams are made up.
715
00:27:28,291 --> 00:27:29,208
(SCREAMS)
716
00:27:29,875 --> 00:27:31,708
-(CHAIR SQUEAKING)
-♪ (MAFIA MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
717
00:27:33,166 --> 00:27:35,000
I love spinning around
in a chair.
718
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,542
-Mmm.
-(CHAIR SQUEAKING)
53115
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