Original subtitles

Guys, I'm quitting.

Wait, what?

♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I'm going to have to insist that I keep the name Pied Piper,

and I won't budge on that.

-(ALL MUTTERING) -ELRICH: Who gives a shit?

-JARED: Fine. That's fine. -ELRICH: Terrible.

♪ (HIP-HOP CONTINUES) ♪

RICHARD: I needed to build something else.

We could build a new internet.

You sound like a crazy person.

Oh, my God. It's real.

Can I just...

-Can I try something? -Yeah.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

-Okay. -(CHUCKLES) I don't know.

-Whoo! -Whoo!

-Whoo-hoo-hoo! -I haven't had a lot of sleep.

♪ (HIP-HOP CONTINUES) ♪

(SCREAMING) Whoo! Whoo!

(SCREAM ECHOES)

Whoo!

(FAINT ECHO)

-Sorry. -That's okay.

♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC ENDS) ♪

(ominous music playing)

(distant sirens blaring)

(propeller buzzing)

(banging on door)

(humming)

(keyboard clacking) (banging continues)

(mumbles) (banging continues)

(The Assistant mumbles) (mumbles)

(mumbles)

(banging continues)

(grumbles)

The Assistant (on intercom): Dr. Labcoat. (pounding continues)

I said come in, for fuck's sake!

(laughing) Oh, my God.

(beeps)

I am... so sorry. That door is, like, completely metal.

I couldn't hear fricking anything out there.

Um, here's an idea. What if you had a doorbell that was outside the door

so people could have a sound to let them know to come in?

Actually, why don't I arrange that for you, Dr. Labcoat?

That's an idiotic idea, The Assistant.

Fuck you!

Fuck me.

(sighs)

I apologize. It's just a big day, you know,

and with so much riding on this. Yeah.

The Green Pill is my life's work...

and it's finally complete. (humming)

That is so cool, you are so smart,

and, um, I admire so much about you.

Just my schedule, The Assistant. Please.

Okay, first you have a Green Pill kickoff meeting with the Board of Executives,

followed by a Federal Drug Bureau approval meeting,

and then a video call with The President...

of the United States of America.

The President. Jesus. I know.

Can we just move it to, like, next week

or something? I've already moved it twice, so I can't.

I don't feel comfortable-- Okay, like, 45 seconds tops.

Okay. I'll circle back and tell them.

All right. Great.

Oh, The Assistant.

(ominous music plays)

I want you to join us for the Board of Executives meeting.

But only the highest up

of the highest-up executives join you for those.

I'm merely an assistant.

(beeps) The Assistant.

You're ready.

♪ ♪

Slam it, bitch. (giggles)

(beeps) Dr. Labcoat finished that pill thingy.

I mean, I wish he'd share more with us, you know?

I mean, we're the Chemicals department. All we do is hang out all day.

(Muzak playing) What do you think's even in that Green Pill?

I think it's adenosine triphosphate.

I think he found a way to put it into-- (woman laughs)

C2098, you don't actually think Dr. Labcoat uses

substrate-level phosphorylation as the active ingredient

in the Green Pill, do you?

Well, 49C74, if you let me finish, which you never do,

you would've heard that was not what I was gonna say.

Ugh! I think someone used my mug.

Look at that lipstick.

I think they're those novelty mugs,

like, it comes with the lipstick on it to be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

You both know of those? It's funny.

Yeah. It's just depressing, you know?

Sorry. (knocks)

Hi. Oh, hi.

Chemicals? Yes. Come, come, come, come.

You can take my seat.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Welcome.

Where did you transfer from? T084W: Yeah.

I was in Toys... in the basement.

They have toys here? T084W: Toys?

This place astounds me. I swear, I don't know anything that's going on here.

Yeah, where's the basement? Probably below.

Why would they have toys?

I just-- I've never seen it. Oh, I don't--

It doesn't seem important. Oh. (chuckles)

I didn't mean that-- No, I didn't mean that against you. I just meant--

Was it adult toys, though?

Like dildos? Like dil-- yeah, was it, like,

shake-- like a vibrating-- T084W: Yeah.

Wait. What? Like those beads?

I-- I don't make adult toys. I make, like... 49C74: Oh.

...toys for-- Children toys?

No. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. We're the worst.

We didn't introduce ourselves. Oh!

T084W: Oh yeah. I'm 49C74.

Yeah, I'm C2098.

I am T084W. That's my mug. There it is.

And you-- and you are? (laughs)

Happy to be here. (chuckles)

Oh, that's so nice. C2098: That's so sweet.

What do we call ya? Yeah.

Oh. (laughs)

Your name. Woman: Umm...

(beeps)

(clears throat) It's rude to give a fake name.

Oh! Oh, my God.

So... Chemicals department.

You guys ever, like, sneak anything or...

do drugs or-- Well, you can pretty much take anything you want.

I'm currently on Nonvliathan. It makes it so you don't have to poop or pee.

You can just sweat it out. (laughs)

(cheery music plays)

Yeah, and I'm taking this thing called Flobocillium,

which is a chemical compound that I lace into my food,

and it makes me float about two inches off the ground at all times.

Go ahead. Pan down.

(cheery music plays)

I just do cocaine.

(hard rock music plays)

I can't wait to try it all. (women laugh)

(jazz music plays)

(dramatic music plays)

(chitters)

The Green Pill is complete.

Pesci Co. is ready to move on to the phase three of...

Just to catch everyone up to speed,

we've made this nifty little demonstration video.

(ethereal music playing) Dr. Labcoat (on video): Pesci Co.,

being the largest product manufacturer in the world

permeates every single facet of society--

food, clothing, household products.

We're in the air you breathe,

the ground you walk on,

the walls that surround you.

(continues speaking) (beeps)

(Muzak playing) Oh, man! You got everything in here!

Two toilets is kinda weird,

although, you know, I'm gonna try 'em both out.

I don't wanna play favorites.

How do I look? (laughs)

I'll get that later.

Let's give that a try.

(coughs) Oh! You know, it's totally okay to eat these cold.

I'm getting paid for this? It all is good to me!

(Dr. Labcoat speaks)

(ominous music playing)

Naturally, we began to affect the population.

Manufacture sickness, panic, unrest. (sirens blaring)

Name the sickness something scary.

Virus X.

The population will blame each other,

God, anyone, to find a scapegoat.

(coughs) Oh! Ahh!

I want this to stop!

(crying) I hate it!

Let me out of here!

This sucks.

This sucks so bad.

(Dr. Labcoat speaks)

(inspirational music playing)

All right. There you go.

(gasps)

Dr. Labcoat: We will soon have full control

over the environment

and the population itself.

A more orderly and just New York is upon us,

and after that, the world.

♪ ♪

I'd like to apologize for my behavior back there.

I feel better now.

I feel correct.

Dr. Labcoat: Pesci Co.

(whispers) Pesci.

So, today we're gonna package the bad boy

and get it out to the public ASAP.

Bang. World domination. (laughs)

Uh, hey, guys.

First, I wanted to say,

sorry I've been absent from so many meetings lately.

I had to take my dog to the vet,

and then my kid had a recital at three o'clock.

Who can make that, right? (laughs)

But, uh, I just wanna make sure I understand this completely.

Um, we've been poisoning New York City

so that they will buy a pill from us?

That is correct.

Why? (chair creaks)

We're the biggest company in the world.

We make enough money. What is your name?

Executive 3. (beeps)

Are you a religious man, Executive 3?

No. No. I'm a scientist.

(ominous music playing)

I realized there was no God when I was a child.

New York City

was a nucleus of sin, crime, disorder. (chittering)

I saw that humanity could not flourish

in a godless world.

People need structure, a parental figure looking over their shoulder.

Society needs a god,

so I will be just that.

(angelic choir singing)

You see, it's not about money, Executive 3.

It's about control, curation, building a better tomorrow.

As you saw in the video, the subject was much happier after taking the pill.

But it wasn't real, right?

Is anything we do here real?

Some of it. (scoffs)

Grow up, sweetheart.

All the shit we do here--

subliminal messaging, biased research,

a soda that stimulates the same part of your brain as your mother's voice.

Woo! (laughs)

It's all not real, Executive 3.

But what if we get caught? (ominous music playing)

That reporter with the news--

she suggested the virus may be man-made!

We could all go on trial for crimes against humanity!

The Reporter situation is under control.

The population believes what we want them to.

We tell them it was an act of God,

and that's what they believe, because, quite frankly...

(angelic choir singing)

...it was.

That will be all, Executive 3.

(music stops)

You want me to shake your...

Yes, okay.

(chittering)

I wouldn't wanna be that guy.

(chuckles) Thank you, sir. It's a...

real honor to work for you.

Been at this company for 20 years.

I retire tomorrow.

I thought something bad was gonna happen. (chuckles)

(crackling)

(executives laughing)

(yelps)

(laughter continues)

Funny joke! (Executive 3 moans)

Meeting adjourned. You...

(laughter continues) Okay. Yeah.

The Assistant. Yes. Yes, Dr. Labcoat.

Get the ad men started.

We're good to go on the Green Pill. Get it out today. Got it?

Huh. He hung up on me.

The Green Pill. We need a tagline.

What does it evoke? Memories? Feelings? Family?

God damn it! Ad Man 1, what are we fucking drinking?

Tastes like fucking garbage! I thought you were rich!

I am rich, Ad Man 2!

It's an acquired taste, you fucking pussy!

♪ ♪ I love this shit.

I'd snort it if I hadn't deviated my septum from all the cocaine!

You pussy! (gasps)

(snorts)

Woo! (laughs)

No, you're a pussy, Ad Man 3.

Hi. Ad Man 4. The fourth one.

The only way I can come is if I hear my parents arguing in the next room.

Hey, guys. Can we talk about strategy?

Ali, women aren't funny!

Hey, where can I spit in this office? I haven't spit in a while.

In the spit corner, bitch!

(hawks, spits)

Oh, God, I wanna blow my own head off!

No! I wanna pay somebody to cut my head off!

Right? (laughs) Oh, I would love to pay a woman to slit my neck.

You in, Ali? Six thousand bucks! (snaps fingers)

No. Hello, Hell.

(laughs) Yes, I'd like to make a reservation for one.

Do you know what keeps me on this piece-of-shit mortal coil?

Yeah, Ad Man 4. A-D M-A-N 4.

Advertising! I fucking love advertising.

My grandpop was an Ad Man 4.

My father was an Ad Man 5, junior baby executive edition,

that fucking coward! I'm an Ad Man 1!

(shouts) I am a god!

I love advertising, because I'm a creative,

and I like to eat my own shit.

I eat my own shit, and I love advertising.

I love eating shit and making sponsored content, bitch.

As a measly Ad Man 4, I have other interests to boost my resume

when I'm fired by a stronger advertising man,

and those interests include eating my own motherfucking shit!

God, I love advertising! (laughs)

(clears throat) Hey.

Yeah, we're on it. We're on it.

I want every man in this room to scream into my ass right now!

Shotgun! Oh! Me, me, me, me, me!

(men screaming) (hums, beeps)

(screams) (glass shatters)

(pants) You sentient buttfucks!

You ugly babies with-- with cocks the size of tiny little pool noodles!

You fuck fucks! This is advertising, for fuck's sake!

We are doing God's work!

We are gods!

You don't even deserve the title Ad Men!

You are Bad Men!

Shame doo-doo! Poopie babies!

The Green Pill is humanity's cure to Virus X!

It...

♪ ♪

Oh shit.

What about that for a tagline?

Actually, that works. (chuckles) Right?

That's pretty good. Great job, everybody.

Fantastic work. All around. Capital.

Ad Man 4, way to act like an Ad Man 2.

I mean that. Wow. Sir, thank you.

Coming from you, that means a lot.

(traffic noises) (gun cocks)

Oh, no, no, no. Let me.

(gunshot)

(Ad Man 4 screams)

Ali. (Ad Man 4 crashes)

(car alarm blaring)

What's that?

You're an Ad Man 5 now.

You made it, kid. (beeps)

This is so stupid.

You're so fucking stupid, Gerald.

Fuck off!

(grunts)

(coughs, laughs)

(Ali scoffs)

(dial tone)

(babbling on phone) Hi, it's Ali from Advertising.

I'm good.

Great.

(babbling continues)

Yeah, they're all dead.

They'll send a new batch on Monday. So, the tagline is

"The Green Pill: Humanity's Cure to Virus X,"

and we're gonna need some kind jingle or something like,

♪ The Green Pill, humanity's cure to Virus X. ♪

(jingle playing) Something like that. Great.

Woman (on speaker): ♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪ It's a really good song!

(beeps) ♪ When you're feeling sick, when you're feeling ill ♪

♪ Just reach on over for that Green Pill ♪

♪ It'll fix your heart, it'll fix your brain ♪

(shouts) Do you think we could turn it down a little bit

to discuss the FDB status of the Green Pill?

♪ Unless you won't ever be happ... ♪

(music stops)

(chuckles)

Now it's so quiet. (clears throat)

So anyway, Dr. Labcoat,

the ingredients of the Green Pill didn't arrive

at FDB headquarters, so...

So here I am. Not pointing fingers or anything like that,

but, uh, it's really nice to meet you, finally, face-to-face.

You didn't sound bald on the phone.

So anyway, we gotta know what's in the pill, Doc.

I mean, it's glowing, for crying out loud! (humming)

That's a-freaky.

How about you just write down a couple of ingredients

on a piece of paper? Huh? That sound good?

I'll just go... get a piece of paper. (seat squeaking)

(sighs)

Ooh! This guy's scary.

(bad Australian accent) Did he come from Down Under? (rattles)

(normal voice) Uh, where did I put that?

Let's see here.

(grunts)

You know, I don't think I-- I--

Oh. I put it in the-- I put it in here.

Okay.

One sec. I'm gonna get you a nice, clean sheet of paper.

I kinda drew on all of these.

So, let me just-- Right, get right here.

(grunts) (rustling)

(glass shatters) Sorry about that.

That doesn't have the right letterhead. Oh!

(mumbles) Sorry. Sorry.

(grunting)

(sighs)

(grunts)

Oh. (grunts)

(laughs) Ooh!

Oh, forgot the pen.

(loud clattering, smashing) (cat screeches)

(dolphin chitters) (flame whooshes)

(grunts, blows)

All righty. There you go.

There you go.

Aw, come on, man! I got you a piece of paper and a pen!

Just write down a couple of ingredients, I'll approve the drug, I swear.

Ah! Just say one ingredient. One.

(tense music playing)

(breathing hard)

Approved! Approved!

Approved! Approved! Approved!

(crying) Approved! Approved!

Approved! Approved!

(Muzak playing) Not approved.

What? But... I'm Executive 3. I need treatment!

Look at my fucking hand!

Well, it says here you've been terminated.

We do not provide service for non-employees.

Please find a free clinic elsewhere.

No, no, no. What? I'm fired?

No, no, that's impossible.

I can feel it coursing through my veins.

Look at this. It stinks!

It stinks!

That's not my problem, sir. Oh!

Please. Please. Sir, please don't rub that here.

Please, let me see the doc. I need treatment.

I think Dr. Labcoat poisoned me!

I don't know how else to explain it!

(phone ringing)

Sir.

Please fix your finger. It...

I will. No. Sir. Sir.

Are you gonna just leave this here?

I need you to consider me signed in.

I'm gonna go get different insurance and come back.

Sir, please. Technically, I'm not leaving.

Help me! Help!

(chittering)

Uh, you haven't returned my texts.

(whispering) Qliklek, I told you we were over.

Is it because of my lizard penis?

I told you my species doesn't go through puberty

till we're in our 40s. I can't help that.

You are so fixated on that. (snarls)

We're just not compatible. What did you say?

Say it again. Say it louder,

so everyone can hear how much of a B-I-T-C-H you are.

Wow. Really? You're gonna go there?

That's why I ate your eggs. Please leave.

Oh... They were good.

Oh... They were real good.

Oh... They were good.

(ominous music playing)

(Skype tone playing) Man's voice: Incoming call

from The President of the United States.

(beeps)

(hums)

Wow! Hey, it's me, The President pile of garbage!

(flies buzzing) Thank you for taking my call, Daddy--

I mean, Dr. Labcoat.

You're welcome.

Anyhoo, is it true you have the cure to Virus X?

Yes. Whoa, wow, wee, pee-pee, poo-poo!

That's good news! We here in the government

was gonna blowed up New York 'cause of all of the sick people.

That's why we quarantined it!

Phew! Yeah, I understand.

The Green Pill, huh? I like that name.

It's easy to say and remember.

I'll go to the TV and say everybody should buy it.

You have my full backing. Spit in my mouth hole.

Thank you, The President. Did you know that I'm a big boy?

I'm all growed up, and they painted my picture in the Oval Office!

And now it's in all the textbooks forever!

I'm a real thing that's happening!

(laughing) (hesitantly) Yes, I heard.

I-I-- I actually can't believe it myself.

I'm bad. I'm-- I'm a bad man

with bad values and morals.

I propagate hate and award selfishness.

I'm a deeply stunted man,

and it all stems from my weird face and body.

(clearing throat)

I'm afraid this is all the time I have, The President.

Have a good night. (singsongy) Piss!

(hums) (knocking on door)

(chimes) Woman's voice: Enter.

Enter. Enter. Enter.

Hey. The outside doorbell. You did it.

It seemed like a reasonable enough idea...

plus it wasn't that hard to put in place.

(chuckles) Thanks.

Dr. Labcoat.

You're evil. ♪ ♪

What you're doing here at Pesci Co.--

making children sick, making people sick--

all so they'll buy your pill the day it's released? It's...

evil.

You want to control the world.

You want to control the population.

But I'm evil too.

I want control, too.

I remember when I was in the third grade,

it was my job to turn off the lights

when we left the classroom.

But then, one day, my teacher gave the job to Kraig Mullen.

(squeaks)

I protested, but she didn't budge.

So, I burned the school down. I was never caught.

I wasn't sloppy.

And then, when I was in high school, I--

You were bullied by a boy named Scott Trevors.

You injected a hydrochloric compound

into his deodorant while you were in gym class,

and it affected his lymph nodes, which eventually led...

to his death.

Your birth name is Alexander Regelman,

your blood type is "O,"

and your favorite animal is the turtle.

(chuckles) I know who you are, The Assistant.

We're very much alike.

That's why I invited you to the board meeting.

I see you...

as my eventual successor.

Ah! Don't speak.

(smacks lips) By the way...

this came for you today.

(ominous music playing)

(chuckles)

Wait.

Do you wanna, like,

order pizza or something? Oh!

(feel-good music playing) Dr. Labcoat: I killed my mother.

What? Yeah.

Hated her. Oh, my God.

(emphatically) Hated her. Awful.

I used bicarbonate and dishwashing liquid.

No. It was amazing.

(pounding) Dr. Labcoat! It's Executive 3!

Dr. Labcoat! Dr. Labcoat!

This really sucks!

(both laughing) Poisoned Executive Number 3!

Dr. Labcoat! (grunting) How did you do it?

Help me! (laughing) Oh, I-- I did it...

at the-- When we were... (laughing)

Yeah. What a sucker. (coughing)

(laughter continues) The Assistant: Oh, my God. I hated that guy.

I hated him. I hated him. Dr. Labcoat: I hated that guy.

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ When you're feeling sick ♪

♪ When you're feeling ill ♪

♪ Just reach on over ♪

♪ For that Green Pill ♪

♪ It'll fix your heart, it'll fix your brain ♪

♪ It'll fix your brain ♪

♪ It'll fix your brain ♪

♪ You need the Green Pill to be happy ♪

♪ Unless you won't ever be happy ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ Humanity's cure to Virus X ♪

♪ You need it to be happy ♪

♪ You need the pill ♪

♪ To be happy ♪

♪ You need it to be happy ♪

♪ You need the pill ♪

♪ To be happy ♪

♪ You need it to be happy ♪

♪ You need the pill ♪

♪ To be happy ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

(music stops) ♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪

♪ The Green Pill ♪ (echoes)

(ALARM BELL RINGS)

LEIF: What you've done is absolutely unacceptable.

SIMON: You put a marker up my butt.

MIKE: Technically, Simon, you shoved the marker up your own butt.

PHIL: Up your own butt!

♪ (MUSIC BOX TUNES) ♪

SIMON: Prepare to be amazed.

-MIKE: Is that a human baby? -(BABY COOS)

SIMON: Who would wanna pay to see a human baby?

-(BABY FARTS) -(SPLATTERING)

Why don't you, uh.... fight the baby?

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

ANNOUNCER: Please put your hands together for The Baby!

-♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)