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1
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,565
♪ ♪
2
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,281
(chuckles maliciously)
3
00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:32,116
(groans, whimpers)
4
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,617
(growls)
5
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,289
(whimpering)
6
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:39,915
(grunts)
7
00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,094
(sighs)
8
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:55,097
What... What the fuck?
9
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,849
What the fuck is that?
10
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:58,934
(gasps)
11
00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:00,728
I'm a mommy!
12
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,897
(theme music playing)
13
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,946
♪ All of the animals ♪
14
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,365
♪ Out of your front door ♪
15
00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:17,703
I don't get what
you're misconstruing
about this story?
16
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,580
At some point
in the middle of the night,
17
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,625
this beautiful baby egg
came out of my butt.
18
00:01:22,625 --> 00:01:25,419
Okay, I'm-- Sorry, I don't
know what to tell you,
I'm just--
19
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,254
It's fine.
I'm a little
bit skeptical, maybe.
20
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,256
About what of this
is skeptical?
21
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,467
Okay, well, fir--
I mean, first off,
to be honest,
22
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,010
it doesn't really
look like an egg.
23
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,386
(gasps)
Earmuffs.
24
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,722
Who the fuck are you
to come into my house...
Okay.
25
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:38,390
and criticize
the way my child looks?
26
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,059
Well, do you see
these dimples in it?
27
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,144
Dimples are cute.
Look at me!
28
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,729
Right, but--
Two dimples.
29
00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,147
Right.
Perfect smile.
30
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:49,068
But that's a face,
this is on the shell
of a coating of an egg.
31
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,861
It's what you're--
He's gonna have
so many dimples.
32
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,613
He's gonna be
cute as fuck.
Mm-hmm. Well,
33
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,657
how do you explain
this check mark right here?
34
00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,909
That's how you know
it's done. Check.
35
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,620
Where were you
in middle school
when we learned all of this?
36
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,996
Okay, well, I don't know--
I mean,
37
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:03,082
when Meghan and I
had Jacob,
Yeah?
38
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:05,167
the egg did not
look like that.
Heh.
39
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,836
Jacob's egg?
Probably like an eggplant.
40
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,880
Excuse me? An eggplant?
41
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,341
You just called my son's
egg an eggplant.
42
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,260
You just made fun
of my son's egg!
43
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:15,928
(phone buzzing)
Oh, here we go.
44
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,304
Who is that?
Oh, crap. All right.
45
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,349
Meghan's at Jacob's
Little Fliers meet.
I gotta go meet her.
46
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,559
Oh, I'll join you.
47
00:02:21,559 --> 00:02:22,518
You wanna come?
Yeah.
48
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:25,020
Let me just get a little
baggie thingie.
49
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,689
♪ ♪
50
00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,023
Dylan, get off me, stop.
51
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,024
I'm not touching you.
Stop it.
52
00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:31,360
All right, Jacob,
come on, you can do it!
53
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,903
Come on, honey!
54
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,488
Oh...
Hey, Meghan. Hey.
55
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,615
Hi. Hi.
Jacob, your dad's here!
56
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:38,534
Will you please go talk
to him? He's so nervous.
57
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,703
He threw up before.
It was everywhere.
Oh. Okay.
58
00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,121
All right, I'll go try
to cheer him up.
59
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:43,372
Okay, thank you, honey.
Okay.
60
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:44,290
Kids, right?
61
00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:46,250
(chuckles)
You're telling me.
62
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,085
Yeah. You're actually
the one who's telling me.
63
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,086
Because...
Yeah.
64
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,213
I don't know if Mike
told you, but...
65
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,089
Aah!
66
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,465
(laughing)
Did you bring snacks?
67
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:55,259
No.
What is this?
Is it a...
68
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,845
It's an egg!
I had an egg last night.
grocery bag...
69
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,138
Phil, you can't-- that--
70
00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:01,140
I've just been alone
for so long,
71
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:04,935
that to finally have someone
to call my own...
72
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,563
This egg?
This egg. My egg.
73
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,732
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
74
00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:11,233
Hey there, big guy,
you ready?
75
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,319
No. I'm freaking out, Dad.
76
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,445
I don't want to fly.
77
00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,488
Oh, come on,
you're gonna do fine. Don't--
78
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:17,740
No, it's not gonna
be fine.
79
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,783
I don't know if I can
really do it physically.
80
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:22,953
You know, like my body
isn't able to.
81
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:23,996
I walk everywhere.
82
00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,706
Well, you are wearing
running shoes.
83
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,790
Yeah. You like 'em?
84
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,126
Look, it's about
the effort that you put in.
85
00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,420
It's about what's
in your heart.
86
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,505
What if what's
in my heart is fear?
87
00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,049
Announcer (over PA):
Next up, Jacob!
88
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,635
Oh...
I'll be watching from right
over here, all right?
89
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:38,969
Come on, Jacob!
Whoo!
90
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,387
Whoo!
Here we go, buddy!
91
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,598
Come on,
you got this, buddy!
Whoo!
92
00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:45,142
(countdown beeping)
93
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,185
(sighs) Oh...
94
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,519
Aah!
95
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,646
(clanging)
Crowd: Aww!
96
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:49,563
Oh, God!
97
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,398
Oh, he did not
make that at all.
98
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,358
Oww.
99
00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,984
Announcer:
Next up, Branch.
100
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,527
All right, here we go, kiddo.
101
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,987
Branch, look at me
in the eye.
102
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:59,406
What are we gonna do
this time? What are
we gonna do, Branch?
103
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,491
We're gonna
catch the wind, Dad.
104
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:01,617
We're gonna
catch the wind!
105
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:03,202
(in unison)
When we dip, we catch.
106
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,536
When we catch, we soar.
107
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,954
When we soar, we win.
108
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,414
Okay?
Yes, sir!
109
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,332
Go.
110
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,750
(countdown beeping)
111
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:10,751
(exhales)
112
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,212
Go, Branch, go!
113
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,130
Fuck!
Heh.
114
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,382
Is something funny
to you right now?
115
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:17,925
'Cause I just watched
my son fail me.
116
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,843
Your son did great.
He actually did really good.
117
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:20,928
Oh, did he do good?
118
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,805
Yeah, he made it
to the last dumpster, barely.
119
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:24,848
Sir, I am sorry I laughed.
I don't...
120
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,392
Call me "sir," like it's--
121
00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:28,268
There's a condescending
tone to "sir."
122
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,647
Yeah, I know, oh, you're
very smart. You're a New York
pigeon, I know, look,
123
00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:33,315
Whoa!
I don't--
I know who you are,
124
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,609
and I know what America
you live in, okay?
125
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,611
Reading your left-wing
pigeon newspapers,
126
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,363
and wearing a little
corduroy vest.
Oh...
127
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:41,448
Here we go. Here we go.
I know exactly
what you are.
128
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,908
I am from New Jersey.
129
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,660
Look, this is about
flying, all right?
130
00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:46,328
So, just keep your
personal beliefs to yourself.
131
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,873
We're all here to teach
these kids how to fly!
Oh, my personal beliefs.
132
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:52,042
Right, that's the issue.
I'm sorry, everyone.
This is, uh...
133
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,836
Thank you for bringing
your fucking--
134
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,671
Whoa, there are kids
around here, buddy, okay?
135
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:58,382
Yeah, and they're gonna learn
one day that adults swear,
136
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:01,552
because some adults get angry
when they have to talk
to losers.
137
00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,805
Yeah, well, I bet
I could fly farther than you,
that's all I'll say.
138
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,974
Pfft. (laughing)
Okay, buddy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
139
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,600
Okay. How about
I race you
140
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,519
to the green lady
with the ice cream thingie?
141
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:11,562
Pfft.
142
00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:14,815
Duh. Yes. I can do that.
Heck yes, I can do that.
143
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:15,983
Heck yes.
Heck yes.
144
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,025
Tomorrow, let's do it.
145
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,527
Yeah. Let's do it tomorrow.
146
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,237
All right, man.
Branch, let's go. Branch!
147
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,488
Yes, sir.
148
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,532
You're a fucking
embarrassment.
Let's get out of here.
149
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:27,703
♪ ♪
150
00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:46,805
What's up, baby?
151
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,474
Hey-- Hey, baby.
Yeah.
152
00:05:48,474 --> 00:05:50,267
You goin' real slow
today, aren't you?
153
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,560
I like...
Uh-huh.
154
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,478
I like you.
155
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:53,979
Yeah, that's good,
you know,
156
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,023
dude, don't just say
"I like you." It's a little
matter of fact.
157
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,441
Give her a little
compliment, you know?
158
00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,567
Okay.
Check this out.
159
00:05:58,567 --> 00:05:59,443
Ahem.
160
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,862
I wanna see that ooze
in my bed.
161
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,071
You heard me, girl.
162
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,907
Oh!
You see what I'm saying?
163
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:06,325
(giggling)
Yeah, yeah.
164
00:06:06,325 --> 00:06:07,451
She likes that.
It makes me nervous.
165
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,786
It makes me nervous.
Don't be nervous.
166
00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:10,662
That's it, man.
It's confidence.
Yeah. You're right.
167
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:11,830
It's confidence.
Okay, I'll try again.
168
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,290
Yeah, try again.
Here, look at this.
Okay.
169
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,125
Confidence.
Right here.
This girl right here.
170
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,668
Hey, shorty!
171
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:18,003
Come fuck with me.
172
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:18,921
Uh-uh.
173
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,798
I put the cock
in cocoon.
174
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,132
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
175
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,343
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
I'm so sorry.
176
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,053
I'm sorry.
No, no, that was good.
That was good.
177
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,387
It wasn't good,
she looked upset.
178
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,639
Well, she--
Yeah, you upset her.
179
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:29,765
Well, I was
trying to be confident.
180
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,225
No, I know. I know.
I know. I know.
181
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,560
Look, you have
certain disadvantages.
182
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,145
You are not as big as me.
I'm not.
183
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,397
You're not as confident
as me.
Correct.
184
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,525
You don't have
as much slime.
185
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:40,526
I'm under-lubricated.
186
00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:42,069
You are super
fucking dry, dog.
187
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,237
Yeah.
Listen.
188
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,365
I was thinking tomorrow
I might bring my boom box.
189
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:51,078
Possibly, I could show you
my world-famous worm.
190
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,455
Don't-- Don't fuck
with me, man.
No.
191
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,540
No fucking, brother.
192
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:55,833
Alan, don't say it
if you don't mean it--
193
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,835
I'm sorry, is this like, the
"Jamie Kennedy Experiment"?
194
00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:00,671
Am I X'ing you?
No, no, no This is for real.
This is real life right now.
195
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:03,006
This better not be
a Jamie Kennedy type
situation, man
196
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:04,800
because this is the stuff
of legend and lore!
197
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,426
People talk about your worm
all the time.
198
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,471
You are going to see me
do the worm right here,
199
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:12,975
and then you and I are gonna
get our microscopic penises
200
00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:14,935
Yes, totally!
a little bit wet.
201
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,103
(laughing)
202
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:19,940
♪ ♪
203
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:25,153
Okay, and some people choose
to put mascara on their
bottom lashes,
204
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,197
but I always find--
Mine are long enough.
Right.
205
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,574
Especially if you're
doing anything--
206
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,993
So, what is foundation?
That's like, on the bottom
of it?
207
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,078
Yeah, I mean, it is
exactly what it sounds like.
208
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,496
Your foundation.
Foundation. That makes sense!
209
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:35,622
Yeah, exactly.
I love it.
210
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,041
And you need to
match it to your--
(grunting)
211
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,543
Mikey, what are you
doing man?
Mike? Yeah.
212
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:40,502
We're trying to talk
over here.
213
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,753
You're messing
with girl talk.
214
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,006
Um, and that's why, also--
I'm sorry. It's just hard
215
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,757
'cause he's trembling
so much.
Yeah.
216
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,009
You guys see this?
217
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:48,468
Yeah, no,
we're seeing it.
218
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,137
You look like
a massage chair.
219
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,513
Ugh!
Oww, are you okay?
220
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,181
That was, uh...
(coughing)
221
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,558
I'm good.
Are you okay?
222
00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:56,643
That doesn't sound good.
Drink some water.
I'm fine.
223
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,645
I'm doing some calisthenics.
224
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,355
I'm getting back
into the groove of things.
225
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,607
Why--
Don't worry about it.
226
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,358
Were you ever
in the groove?
227
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,027
(laughing)
228
00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,528
That was a funny joke.
229
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,448
Look, Mike, I'm very
concerned. I don't want
you to do this.
230
00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:12,159
It's just, I don't understand
why you let somebody
like Jerry
231
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,994
ruffle your feathers,
quite literally.
232
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,455
Okay, well, Jerry, he doesn't
know what's coming to him.
233
00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:19,666
Because I'm going to beat him
to the big, green lady with
the ice cream thing.
234
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,960
Mike, the big green lady with
the ice cream thing
But, honey--
235
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,378
is half a mile.
It's so far.
236
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,379
One way.
Yeah.
237
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,881
Guys, I have
the vision for this.
238
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:28,425
And if you believe
in yourself, and have
the vision for it,
239
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,761
that's half the battle
right there, guys.
240
00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:31,845
Am I right, Jacob?
241
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,555
That's exactly right.
242
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,681
He's actually got a point.
243
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,599
Thank you!
244
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:36,850
Like, for my whole--
He does?
245
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,519
Yeah. For my whole life
I envisioned being a mommy,
246
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,938
and throughout that,
Okay...
247
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,941
everyone said,
"You can't be a mommy,
you're a little boy."
248
00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:45,067
And then after that
it was,
249
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:46,652
"You can't be a mommy,
you're a teenager."
250
00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:47,778
And after that,
people were like,
251
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,364
"You can't be a mommy,
you're a grown man.
252
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,824
"Please leave the premises
of the school zone."
253
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:53,784
Now I'm a mommy.
254
00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:55,994
And Mike, I think
you can do it, man.
255
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,455
I'm gonna help you
do this shit.
256
00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,915
I... appreciate it.
No, no, no, no.
257
00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,751
I didn't-- I don't need
your help.
No, no. Hey. Mike, listen.
258
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,836
Don't worry about Jerry.
(clicks tongue)
259
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,171
I'll take care of him.
260
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:09,091
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
261
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:11,551
Let me guess,
you're gonna seduce Jerry?
262
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,553
How dare you.
263
00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:17,140
Jerry:
Come here,
you little maggot.
264
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,517
Come here. Come here.
Oww. Oww. Oww.
265
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:21,728
Branch, I'm hard on you
'cause I believe in you.
Okay, kiddo?
266
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:25,107
Sorry to interject,
but I was just noticing
your parenting skills,
267
00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:27,109
and it's-- It's refreshing
to see, honestly.
268
00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:28,151
Are you making
fun of me?
269
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,736
I am not. I'm not.
270
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,948
I feel like parenting,
it's just gotten-- It's like
soft-serve ice cream.
271
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,241
You know,
it's just bullshit.
272
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,867
What's happened?
It's a real shame
they've gone so--
273
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,452
Well, I'll tell you
what's happened with it.
274
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,453
What's your name?
275
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,955
Phil. Phil.
My name is Phil.
Phil.
276
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,248
That's a beautiful name.
Thank you.
277
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,708
Phil, I'll tell you
what happened.
278
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,835
We forgot about what
our priorities were,
Mm-hmm.
279
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:45,836
and where we're from.
280
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,254
Exactly. I'm from New Jersey.
281
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,380
It was a different
upbringing.
282
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:49,464
You're from New Jersey?
283
00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,632
Yeah, what-- Why?
284
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:53,093
I am from
central New Jersey. Wow.
285
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,345
It's so nice to meet
someone from home
286
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,805
It is.
over here.
287
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,598
Yeah, these pigeons
are soft.
288
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,726
You don't look
soft, though.
289
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,394
You don't look
soft at all.
290
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:04,730
I'll tell you something
right now, Phil.
Yeah, what's that?
291
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,106
I'm rock hard.
292
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,691
Yeah.
293
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,276
Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?
294
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,652
Yeah, no, it's kind of
nail on head,
295
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,362
but I'm hearing you
loud and clear.
296
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,655
Branch!
Is that your son?
297
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:14,906
That-- This is
my son, Branch.
Yeah.
298
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,783
Branch, say hi
to Miss Phil.
299
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,951
Umm...
300
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,745
Hi... Miss Phil?
301
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:20,954
Hi! Nice to meet you.
302
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,081
Oh, my God,
you're so handsome
and strong!
303
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,249
You must get it
from your father.
304
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,792
You seem strong.
I-- What's that?
305
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,837
No, um, Phil,
is that short for something?
306
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:29,963
Phil-- Philip.
307
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,631
Just Philip.
Hmm.
308
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,675
Kids are so dumb,
it's so cute.
309
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,010
He's a little shy.
310
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,846
Hey, kiddo, why don't you
go hit the water tower,
all right?
311
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:38,722
Yes, sir.
312
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,515
Daddy's gotta talk
to this nice lady.
313
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,225
Madam.
Yeah.
314
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,560
I'm gonna be honest
with you, Philly,
315
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,353
you're a big,
beautiful bird.
316
00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,772
I'm a little hefty.
I'm a little hefty.
317
00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:48,857
No, no, no, no,
I didn't say--
Don't say that about yourself.
318
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:50,859
I didn't say
you were hefty.
I meant it in a good way.
319
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,277
I meant it in the best way.
320
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,071
Hefty like a fucking
garbage bag.
321
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,363
I'm gonna fuck
the feathers off of you.
322
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,866
I'm so fucking
ready for that.
Yeah.
323
00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:01,620
♪ ♪
324
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,039
(electronic music playing)
Un, un, un, un...
325
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:05,373
Wassup, young lady?
326
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,501
Oh, how old are you?
327
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,543
Keep walking.
328
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,003
Un, un, un, un...
329
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,421
Wassup, Alan?
330
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,382
(gasps)
331
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,509
You all right?
332
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,427
Is that you, Brian?
333
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,595
Yeah, man.
334
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,430
What the fuck?
335
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,934
I know. I had a crazy
dream last night,
and I woke up.
336
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,061
I straight up molted
out of my cocoon.
337
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,771
You got fucking
wings, dog!
338
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:28,939
It's fun, right?
339
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:30,232
Yeah, it's fun.
340
00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:32,317
I mean, I've been waiting,
you know.
341
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:34,236
I'm a little older,
and like, I...
342
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,321
You got a fucking
mustache, dog.
343
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,614
Little bit.
344
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,991
You got like a little, tiny,
Mexican mustache.
Little bit.
345
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,451
Hey, Brian.
346
00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,328
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
347
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,956
You look so good.
348
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,124
Thank you.
Well,
349
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:48,792
Thank you.
you look good every day.
350
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:49,835
Yeah, you do look good.
Aww...
351
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:51,086
That is true,
you do look good.
352
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,087
(laughing)
353
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,005
Who-- Who is--
Is this your son?
354
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:55,048
What?
What?
355
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,091
No, that's Alan.
356
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:57,175
What?
Hello?
357
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,343
It's me, Alan.
358
00:11:58,343 --> 00:11:59,970
I'm sorry, I'm not--
359
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,638
Your mom is
my godmother.
360
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,598
(gasps)
Look at that mustache!
361
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,808
Yeah, I don't know.
362
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:06,852
Get out of here!
Yeah, it just came.
363
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,228
It just came
on my face.
364
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,563
Anyway, hey, Brian,
365
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,107
tonight we're all going
to the Greenleaf if
you want to come.
366
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:13,692
Oh my God,
I would love to.
I would love to.
367
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:16,361
All right, cool, well,
Brian, I'll see you tonight.
368
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:17,529
Bye!
Bye!
369
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,697
Bye.
370
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,700
Not bad.
Not bad.
371
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:22,868
That was dope.
372
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:24,703
That was dope.
I can't believe
that just happened.
373
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,080
I know, I know, I know,
and I gotta say,
374
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,374
I am glad
I brought the boombox.
375
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:32,252
(music resumes)
376
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,720
♪ Hollow heavy eyes, whoa ♪
377
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,974
♪ Follow in your light, whoa ♪
378
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:52,439
♪ I'm a ghost tonight, whoa ♪
379
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,400
♪ Whoa ♪
380
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,362
(sighs)
What if I can't make it
across the water? Shit.
381
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,114
Mmm, language.
Sorry.
382
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,491
We don't like that
locker room talk
here in the gym.
383
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,993
Take it into the locker room.
384
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,828
Actually, I think we are
in a locker room.
385
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,623
That's all right. Hey,
you know what, I've been
watching you this whole time.
386
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:10,832
You've been watching me?
387
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,459
Oh, well, you know,
I'm in here every day,
388
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,836
and I like to watch the birds
who flap through,
389
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,172
kind of see what their
progress is like.
390
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:21,593
And yours, I gotta say,
is not so good.
391
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:23,595
Your pump is more of a dump.
392
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:25,013
Oh, God.
393
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,057
That doesn't sound good
to hear, does it?
It sure doesn't, no.
394
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:29,684
No.
Yeah, to be honest,
I'm not usually...
395
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,478
You're not usually
working out?
a gym, uh...
396
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230
A gym rat, they call it.
Gym rat, yeah.
397
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:34,522
You're more
of a gym bird.
398
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,732
Or a gym crow.
399
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:36,900
That'd be different.
Oh.
400
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,568
Look, I'm gonna be
frank with you.
401
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:41,279
You need some help.
You need a little assistance.
402
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,699
I have a little
(whistles) wacky-wacka.
403
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,660
Ole-oh!
404
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:47,702
You know what I mean?
405
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,537
Mmm...
406
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:50,538
Do you know what I mean?
407
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,040
I'm having
a little trouble.
408
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,710
I was just trying to figure
out exactly what noise
I could make
409
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:59,839
to perfectly illustrate
the substance steroids.
410
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,924
You just say steroids?
411
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,925
Did I say steroids?
412
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,135
You're asking
if I'm interested
413
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,888
in purchasing illegal
steroids from you?
414
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,223
I mean, what is illegal?
415
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,724
It's all in the eye
of the beholder.
416
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,142
Well, it's in the eye
of the law.
417
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,812
Eh, if the law
is the beholder, maybe.
418
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,897
But aren't you
the beholder?
419
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,524
"Beholder."
That's a weird word.
420
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,776
Why don't you just say
"person holding something."
421
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:22,404
Anyway, I am holding,
and it's out back.
422
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,447
I think I'm interested
in your drugs.
423
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,659
♪ ♪
424
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,203
Whoa.
Whoo...
425
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,414
That was a big
release for me.
426
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,040
It was a huge release.
427
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,960
Are you on bird control?
Yeah.
428
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,878
Because I couldn't stop.
429
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,630
No, it's--
I would normally fly out.
430
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,341
You basted this bird
pretty well. (clicks tongue)
431
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:44,718
Fuck...
432
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,637
What do you say I get us
a few more...
433
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,930
shots of tequila?
434
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,682
Let's party
a little bit, right?
435
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,726
Phil, I would love to,
nothing more,
436
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,186
but I'm gonna have to take
a rain check. I got
a big race tomorrow,
437
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,772
and I told Branch that
I would beat this man.
438
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,859
Oh, that stupid race
to the big lady
with the ice cream thing?
439
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,193
Who gives a shit?
440
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,820
I do.
Why?
441
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,364
Because Phil, I, um...
442
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,116
What is it?
443
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,367
(coughs)
444
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,702
It's okay.
445
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,078
I feel like
a real idiot right now.
446
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,205
I feel like a real idiot.
Hey, no, it's fine.
447
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:17,000
It's just that I have not
said how I feel
448
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,376
since my wife left me.
449
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:21,212
Listen, you caught me
at a strange time
in my life, too.
450
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:24,299
You know, I just,
I'm going through
a lot of changes myself,
451
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,633
and I feel like, I don't know,
452
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,803
just seeing you be
a total prick to your kid,
it just...
453
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,138
clicked something
in on me, you know?
454
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:32,515
Well, I love him
very much.
No, I know.
455
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:33,767
I love him
very, very, very much.
456
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,185
I can see that.
457
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:38,646
And being a father
and a mother to a child
is incredibly hard.
458
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,231
Believe me, I'm both.
459
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,900
Whew. So you get it?
460
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,568
I do. I...
461
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:44,944
I don't want to rush things,
462
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:45,820
I really don't,
463
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,280
but--
I want you to be
with me.
464
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,823
I want you to be with me.
465
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,367
I want you to be
Branch's mother,
466
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,744
and I want
to take care of your...
467
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:54,454
This is like
a dream come true.
468
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,622
You know what?
469
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,957
Maybe we should celebrate
with a little shot of tequila.
470
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,167
Put that shit down!
471
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,002
You got a race
to win tomorrow, okay?
472
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,837
And you're gonna do it
for yourself,
473
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,756
and you're gonna do it
for Branch and my baby egg.
474
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,841
You're gonna do it
for this family.
475
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,718
♪ ♪
476
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,011
So, Jacob, have you
thought about
477
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,971
what you might want
to do for summer camp
this summer?
478
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,556
Yeah, something inside.
479
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,724
Okay...
480
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,435
I was thinking, like,
a computer camp, or something?
481
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:20,021
Like, where you can, like,
go online.
482
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,649
Right, computer camp,
where you went last year.
483
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:23,858
Yeah.
And the last two years
before that.
484
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,276
I was thinking
something like that.
485
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:28,405
Yeah, well, honey,
if you liked it,
we want to make you happy.
486
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,407
I liked it.
Here, have some more lasagna.
487
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,242
I made it with
buffalo mozzarella.
488
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:34,202
I think you will
taste a slight difference.
489
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:36,579
And also, it's gonna be better
for Jacob's lactose thing.
490
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,289
(laughs)
Oh. I won't get diarrhea.
491
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:39,916
Mike:
I can't eat this shit!
492
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:40,917
Wha-- Mike?
493
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,710
Meghan, I gotta come right
out and say it,
494
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,379
you made a piece
of shit, tonight!
495
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:45,797
Excuse me?!
496
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:47,257
Dad, we're eating dinner.
497
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,092
This is our special
family time.
498
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:52,137
I can't be expected to have
shit put in front of me,
499
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:54,973
and eat it, and be ready
for my race tomorrow!
500
00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,934
And no one's taking it
as seriously as I am.
No one!
501
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,145
You know why?
Because it's not serious.
502
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:03,440
It is a machismo
playground dare
503
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,901
set upon you by some pigeon
who has nothing better to do
504
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,654
than intimidate
and bully other pigeons!
505
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,322
Did you ever look
to yourself, Mike?
506
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,032
I looked to myself
all the time.
507
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,368
And I love it!
I love how I look!
508
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,369
I'm incredible!
509
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,246
This is gonna win
the race, right here.
510
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,748
Mm-mmm... muscles.
511
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,792
What about
believing in your heart?
512
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,252
That was bullshit.
(gasps)
513
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,503
That is it.
514
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:29,090
This is a smart, sensitive,
wonderful son,
515
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:31,176
and you are ruining him
with this garbage!
516
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,344
Yeah, I think I might
do something bad now.
517
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,972
See?!
I'm focusing
on what's important,
518
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:38,183
which is the race
tomorrow, okay?!
519
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,435
'Cause you guys
obviously don't support me!
520
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,353
We are out of here.
Come on, Jacob, let's go.
521
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,397
Ugh. Oww, my arm.
I'm sorry, honey.
522
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,815
This is a new low for you.
523
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,025
Congratulations, honey,
524
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,693
you won the race
to the bottom.
525
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:51,404
Jacob, don't say
anything else, we're just
walking to the door.
526
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,198
That's gonna send
a very strong message.
527
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,199
Okay.
Okay.
528
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,533
I love you--
Jacob!
529
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,285
(door slams)
Fine! Leave!
530
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,953
I don't need
you two anyway.
531
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:01,748
Yeah... I'm a freak.
532
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,877
I'm a strange man
like this.
533
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,046
♪ ♪
534
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,454
(woman moaning)
535
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,998
(voices echoing)
536
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:46,584
(mayor chuckles maliciously)
537
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,055
How you doing
there, buddy?
Whoa!
538
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,306
Nah, I'm cool, dog,
I'm cool.
539
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,100
Yeah?
It's a little
scary up here.
540
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,393
It's exciting, right?
(nervous laughter)
541
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,687
It feels good.
I like having you
in my papoose.
542
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,480
Thanks man, yeah, no,
I feel like a kangaroo.
543
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,524
But like, instead of like,
a mother and daughter,
544
00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:11,401
like, two friend kangaroos.
Yeah, you're like my joey!
545
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,695
Uh, yeah, like
a friend named "Joey."
546
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:15,113
Yeah, you're my joey!
547
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,948
Whoa, whoa, careful, careful!
You wanna do
a barrel roll?
548
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,032
No, no, no, no, no!
549
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:19,325
Whoa! Haha!
Whoa!
550
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,119
(laughing)
Don't do that again!
Do not do that again!
551
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,037
Oh, my God! Haha!
Holy shit!
552
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:26,416
(club music playing)
553
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,667
(laughing)
554
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,086
Hey, hold on, did I see you
in the farmer's almanac?
555
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,421
'Cause I thought I saw
a spread.
556
00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:34,257
One of the bad girls
messing up the tobacco leaves.
Oh!
557
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:35,675
Right? Yeah!
That was me.
558
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,385
I knew it!
God, you look good.
559
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:39,095
Hey, yeah, guys,
I can't hear you!
560
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,763
(giggling)
561
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,099
Yo, like, I can't--
I can't hear what
you're saying!
562
00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,934
Hey, what's up, man?
563
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,269
I'm just gonna chill
over here for a second.
564
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:47,937
I'm gonna chill...
You want me
to come with you?
565
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:51,107
No, no, no, no, no.
That's cool. You stay here
with her majesty.
566
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,067
And I will just fucking
chill over here, I guess,
567
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,444
and fucking, whatever.
568
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,029
You know,
569
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,655
I'm a little worried
about Alan.
570
00:19:57,655 --> 00:19:59,157
Oh, yeah?
571
00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,285
Yeah, since my ears dilated,
I can hear all the shit
he mutters to himself.
572
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:04,621
It's just one long
suicide note.
573
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,206
I think he's taking
my molting pretty hard.
574
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,626
I gotta go talk to him.
575
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,964
(muttering)
Fuck, I don't give
a shit about your molting.
576
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:17,592
Motherfucker. Fucking
blow my head off.
577
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,177
I don't need any wings.
578
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:21,596
Fucking gonna slam
my little fucking head
into a wall.
579
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:22,680
Batter my brains out--
580
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:23,556
Hey... Alan?
581
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,724
Hey, what's up, dog?
Hey, man.
582
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,851
Hey, man. What's up, man?
Yo, yo, yo, what's up?
583
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,853
Hey.
I'm just chilling
over here, you know.
584
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,898
Just fucking
maxing the club. Club style.
585
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,024
Sure, club style maxing.
586
00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:35,193
You know, club style maxing,
that's how I roll.
587
00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:36,611
Okay. I just wanted
to make sure you were okay
588
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,363
'cause you seemed, like,
maybe a little bummed out.
589
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,115
I heard you say something
about maybe bashing
your brains open, or whatever.
590
00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,868
So, I just want you to know
when I look at you,
591
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,287
I see a larval marvel.
592
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,289
Pfft, you're just
playing, dog.
593
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,374
I'm not, man.
594
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:51,042
Nah, I'm not
a larval marvel.
595
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:54,003
You're a larval
motherfucking marvel.
596
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,588
I think I'm just
gonna go home
597
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,632
and wallow in my own
shitty fucking ooze.
No, no, no.
598
00:20:57,632 --> 00:20:59,759
No, no. You know what?
I have an idea.
599
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,596
(gasps)
Where'd you fucking
fit that thing, dog?
600
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,098
I tucked it
behind my giant balls.
601
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:07,266
I want you to do
the worm for these people.
602
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,185
Pfft.
603
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,395
The worm.
604
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:11,938
Brian:
Butterflies!
605
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:16,192
Butterflies!
606
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:19,112
Put your wings together!
What are you doing?
607
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:21,531
Woo, woo, woo!
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
What are you doing, man?
608
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:22,990
I'm making a dog sound,
I don't know.
609
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:24,117
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
610
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,577
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
611
00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:28,287
my friend and yours,
612
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:32,125
Alan!
613
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:36,963
(dance music plays)
614
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:41,008
(grunting)
615
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,885
Okay.
616
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:44,804
All right.
617
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,597
Make it happen...
618
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:47,682
All night.
619
00:21:47,682 --> 00:21:48,891
Do I look cool, dog?
620
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,935
Fucking everyone's
going ape shit.
621
00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:52,895
Alan, keep it going, baby!
622
00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,188
(grunting)
623
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:56,274
Brian: Oh, yeah!
(murmuring)
624
00:21:56,274 --> 00:21:58,192
It's slow,
but it's good!
625
00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:02,196
♪ ♪
626
00:22:02,196 --> 00:22:06,409
♪ All the children
smile at Mommy ♪
627
00:22:06,409 --> 00:22:08,244
♪ All the leaves are falling ♪
628
00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:09,328
There she is.
629
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,956
The big, green lady
with the ice cream thing.
630
00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,000
That is quite
a ways away.
631
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,418
Phil:
Champ is here!
632
00:22:15,418 --> 00:22:18,171
Team Jerry
in the house, motherfucker!
633
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,089
Phil?
Oh, you guys
know each other?
634
00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:22,258
Oh, he's just
a fucking weirdo.
635
00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:24,719
Okay, so the mission failed,
is that what happened?
636
00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:26,554
What mission?
Nothing!
637
00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:28,931
Mission accomplished,
George W,
638
00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:30,767
you're going fucking
down, loser.
639
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:33,561
You ready to sink
to the bottom of
the Hudson River?
640
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,354
'Cause the mission
is about to start.
641
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,731
Right, baby?
You know it, babe.
642
00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,150
I love you so much.
Oh my God, it's ridiculous.
643
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,401
This love is real!
644
00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:41,736
Have you ever
felt that, Mike?
645
00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:42,945
Ugh.
Wait a minute,
646
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:45,990
I just noticed
your entire family isn't here.
647
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:47,200
'Cause they don't
believe in you.
648
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,951
My beautiful wife here,
supports me.
649
00:22:48,951 --> 00:22:49,994
(whistles)
650
00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:52,538
Okay, so a lot of stuff
has happened since I...
651
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:54,332
So much. It's been
very intense.
saw both of you.
652
00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:55,333
Branch, come here.
653
00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:57,210
And my terrific son, Branch,
654
00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:59,504
who I will say once
that I love him.
655
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,506
Oh, I'm proud
to be your son. Kind of.
656
00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:04,467
We love you so much, Jerry.
We're here for you, and we'll
always be here for you.
657
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:06,052
I love your support
and I need it,
658
00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:07,845
and I thrive from it.
That's nice.
659
00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:09,847
All right, enough stalling,
let's race.
660
00:23:09,847 --> 00:23:11,724
Why don't we get
a quickie in real quick, huh?
661
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:14,685
Nah, we'll do one after
I get it. I need my fuel
right now.
662
00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:15,895
But I'm all ready?
663
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,230
I know.
But I'm all ready.
664
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:18,689
Gimme a kiss.
665
00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:19,857
I love you.
666
00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:20,858
Dad?
667
00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:22,777
J-- Jacob, what
are you doing here?
668
00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:26,531
Well, I thought about
how much your pep talks
really helped me,
669
00:23:26,531 --> 00:23:30,910
and I thought maybe my dad
could use a pep talk, too.
670
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:33,746
Jacob, that--
It's so good to see you.
671
00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:35,164
I don't know
if I can do it.
672
00:23:35,164 --> 00:23:37,667
You just have to believe
in yourself,
673
00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:39,877
and fly with
your heart, you know?
674
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:41,087
Like you said.
675
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:43,631
I don't know.
Seeing you right now,
it just...
676
00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:44,882
puts things
into perspective.
677
00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:46,092
Jacob!
Mommy!
678
00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,636
There you are!
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
679
00:23:48,636 --> 00:23:50,763
Oh. Uh, hi, Mike.
680
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:51,764
Hello, Meghan.
681
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:55,101
Well, I guess your son
and I will be leaving.
682
00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,936
Wait. I'm sorry.
683
00:23:56,936 --> 00:24:00,356
Look, I thought steroids
might mask my insecurities,
684
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:02,775
and make me stronger
and totally hot,
685
00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:04,527
and in some ways, they have.
686
00:24:04,527 --> 00:24:08,406
But I realize now that having
the support of my family is
all I need to succeed.
687
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,491
Aww!
Aww!
688
00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:11,409
(laughing)
689
00:24:11,409 --> 00:24:13,703
Oh, you big, dumb, idiot,
I love you.
690
00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:15,872
You, dumb, dumb, loser.
691
00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:18,499
Haha, you
shit-for-brains monster.
692
00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:19,417
Okay, well...
693
00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:21,085
You're a piece of garbage
on legs.
694
00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:22,128
He is!
695
00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:23,588
Right, I don't know
if I'd say that, though.
696
00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:25,631
You gave me
pigeon HPV,
697
00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:26,674
Uh...
That's for life.
698
00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,467
Why would you--
but I love you.
699
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,719
And me, too.
700
00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:30,887
Thanks.
701
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:33,848
♪ ♪
702
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:35,391
Yoww!
703
00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:39,020
All right, all right,
all right, the race is
beginning, boys!
704
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,479
Places!
705
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:43,316
Mike, get over here!
Enough with that sentimental
shit, come on.
706
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:45,943
All right, all right,
are we clear on
the rules here?
707
00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:48,195
On the count of four,
when I drop my sexy hanky,
708
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:49,530
the race will begin.
709
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,365
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
You ready, Mike?
710
00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:53,326
I'm ready.
I'm ready as I'll ever be.
711
00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:54,368
Napkin's up.
712
00:24:54,368 --> 00:24:55,703
Here we go.
713
00:24:55,703 --> 00:24:56,704
Whew.
714
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,039
One!
715
00:24:58,039 --> 00:25:01,375
Jerry, I love you so much.
Baby, you're gonna do
so good.
716
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:02,627
Two!
717
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:05,087
Hey, Mike, Mike,
right here.
718
00:25:05,087 --> 00:25:06,339
Three!
719
00:25:06,339 --> 00:25:08,925
Branch. Branch, look at Mommy.
720
00:25:08,925 --> 00:25:09,967
Mommy's doing it.
721
00:25:09,967 --> 00:25:12,386
What am I supposed
to say to you now?
722
00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:14,055
Man: Fore!
Four!
723
00:25:14,055 --> 00:25:15,181
Oww!
724
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:16,557
Baby, are you okay?
725
00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:18,100
Oh, my...
Are you okay?
726
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:20,227
I think I'm--
I think I'm okay.
Look at me, look at me.
727
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:21,604
Wait, this--
728
00:25:21,604 --> 00:25:23,105
Phil, this is...
What? What?
729
00:25:23,105 --> 00:25:25,441
Look at-- Look at--
Phil, this is your egg.
730
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:26,817
Phil:
Oh, there's a bunch
of 'em up here.
731
00:25:26,817 --> 00:25:27,985
Meghan:
There's a bunch of them.
732
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:29,695
This is not-- Oh, God,
you know what this is?
733
00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,447
This is not an egg.
This is white guy white ball.
734
00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:34,367
Phil: What I thought
was my egg was just
a white guy white ball?
735
00:25:34,367 --> 00:25:36,619
Meghan: Yeah.
Oh, my God.
736
00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:38,287
Oh, so, I'm not a mommy.
737
00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:40,164
Uh, well,
738
00:25:40,164 --> 00:25:42,500
Jer, it's been
a lot of fun,
739
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,085
but, uh...
Sorry, what's going
on here?
740
00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:46,045
What the fuck
is going on here?
741
00:25:46,045 --> 00:25:48,255
So, basically,
just to wrap everything up,
742
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:50,341
I thought I was
a mommy,
743
00:25:50,341 --> 00:25:53,469
'cause I found an egg
next to me when I woke up.
744
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:56,847
It turns out, it's just
a white guy white ball from
the white guy white ball game.
745
00:25:56,847 --> 00:25:57,974
And, uh...
746
00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,976
I'm a dude. So... peace.
747
00:25:59,976 --> 00:26:01,018
Haha.
Wait, what?
748
00:26:01,018 --> 00:26:02,520
Everyone shut up
for just one second.
Uh-huh.
749
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:03,729
Okay.
Sure.
750
00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:06,065
All right, first of all,
I was just hit in the head,
751
00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:07,358
so I don't know
if I'm thinking right.
752
00:26:07,358 --> 00:26:08,651
Is this all really
happening right now?
753
00:26:08,651 --> 00:26:10,027
This is reality.
It's all very real.
754
00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:11,487
Definitely.
And you guys
know each other?
755
00:26:11,487 --> 00:26:12,613
Yes.
Yeah.
756
00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:14,115
Yeah.
Did you come to me
to sabotage my race?
757
00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:15,366
Yeah.
Yes.
758
00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:17,493
Okay, sure,
it was one second of that.
It was fine,
759
00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:20,121
but, you know,
once we started going,
that was all real.
760
00:26:20,121 --> 00:26:22,039
Jer, Jer,
come back to me, babe.
761
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,125
These are the facts
that I know.
Mm-hmm.
762
00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,002
I feel betrayed right now,
763
00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,212
but over the last
couple days,
764
00:26:28,212 --> 00:26:29,630
I have felt happier
than I have
765
00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:31,632
in a very, very long time.
Me, too.
766
00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,426
I'm gonna have
a lot of therapy.
767
00:26:33,426 --> 00:26:34,969
It's a real short life,
768
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:37,972
and I guess I'm
a log cabin pigeon,
769
00:26:37,972 --> 00:26:41,183
because whether he's
a male or a female,
770
00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:43,227
I love Phil very much.
Oh...
771
00:26:45,563 --> 00:26:47,523
This was gonna be
a surprise.
772
00:26:47,523 --> 00:26:50,651
To celebrate our love,
we're gonna be having
a reception
773
00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:52,945
at the top of the green lady
with the ice cream thing.
Oh, my God.
774
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,530
Guys, what do you say?
Let's go!
(laughing)
775
00:26:54,530 --> 00:26:56,782
We're going to
the big, green lady
with the ice cream thing.
776
00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,576
That's so wild!
777
00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:00,286
All right, who's ready to fly?
778
00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:01,328
Let's do this!
779
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,580
Whoo!
Let's do this!
780
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:04,540
Actually, so, how are we
gonna get there, we're gonna--
781
00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:05,958
We're gonna fly.
We'll fly there.
782
00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:07,460
We're gonna fly,
you fucking pussy.
783
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:08,419
Okay.
784
00:27:08,419 --> 00:27:12,757
♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪
785
00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:14,175
♪ Oww! ♪
786
00:27:14,175 --> 00:27:18,095
♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪
787
00:27:18,095 --> 00:27:19,764
Whoo!
788
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:23,976
♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪
789
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:25,895
♪ Oww! ♪
790
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:27,730
Hey, folks, got into
a big argument
791
00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:30,399
and now you have
to prove your manliness
to another Little League dad,
792
00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:33,527
but you just don't have
the time to do it naturally?
793
00:27:33,527 --> 00:27:35,279
(chuckles)
I know I don't.
794
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:36,989
Hi, I'm Bartholomew Birdman.
795
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:39,700
I'm here to help you
with all that stuff
that I just said.
796
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:41,535
I have a revolutionary
new product
797
00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:45,623
that will make you
fly faster, farther,
and metaphorically further
798
00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,249
than you ever
could have before.
799
00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:50,544
It's an all-natural
"American made" product
800
00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:55,299
called "Illegal Wing Enhancing
Steroid Injections."
801
00:27:55,299 --> 00:27:57,676
Call now while
the syringe is hot.
802
00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:58,803
Uh...
803
00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:00,721
Instead of calling me,
if you could text me.
804
00:28:00,721 --> 00:28:02,306
Texting is way better.
805
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:05,768
If it's a number I don't
recognize, it's usually like,
"no thank you."
806
00:28:05,768 --> 00:28:08,312
Could be the authorities
trying to trap me.
807
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,022
Anyway, I, uh...
Text me now!
808
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:13,442
♪ Fly bird, 'cause I fly word
up to the fly girls ♪
809
00:28:13,442 --> 00:28:15,945
♪ Say, we can't get high
like Icarus ♪
810
00:28:15,945 --> 00:28:17,363
♪ We don't fuck
with no incubus ♪
811
00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:18,906
♪ We never were into it ♪
812
00:28:18,906 --> 00:28:19,907
♪ Fuck going ape shit ♪
813
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,784
♪ Go bird shit,
get ridiculous ♪
814
00:28:21,784 --> 00:28:24,620
♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪
815
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,080
♪ Oww! ♪
59479
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