Original subtitles

That's nice. Thank you.

Thanks very much, I appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

So let me ask you something.

Let me ask you how's everybody doing tonight

huh?

Good.

Well fuck you.

Just trying to make you feel at home.

Now listen, I've been out here all this time

and I haven't been complaining

about anything yet

so I think it's time

to go into the complaint department.

This is just a series of things

that are pissing me off okay?

A series of things that are pissing me off

cause I don't have pet peeves

I have major psychotic fucking hatreds okay?

And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.

First thing on my list tonight,

airport security.

Tired of this shit.

There's too much of it.

There's too much security at the airport.

I'm tired of some guy with a double digit IQ

and a triple digit income

rooting around inside of my bag for no reason

and never finding anything.

Haven't found anything yet.

Haven't found one bomb in one bag

and don't tell me,

Well the terrorist know

there bags are going to be searched

so now they're leaving their bombs at home.

There are no bombs.

The whole thing is fucking pointless

and it's completely without logic.

There's no logic at all.

They'll take away gun but let you keep a knife.

Well what the fuck is that?

In fact there's a whole list of lethal objects

they will allow you to take on board.

Theoretically you could take a knife,

an ice pick, a hatchet,

a straight razor, a pair of scissors,

a chainsaw, six knitting needles

and a broken whiskey bottle

and the only thing they're going to say to you

is that bag has to fit

all the way under the seat in front of you.

And if you didn't take a weapon on board relax,

after you been flying for about an hour

they're going to bring you a knife and fork.

They actually give you a fucking knife.

It's only a table knife

but you could kill a pilot with a table knife.

Might take you a couple of minutes you know,

especially if he's hefty huh?

Yeah but you could get the job done

if you really wanted to kill the prick.

Shit there's a lot of things you could use

to kill a guy with.

You could probably beat a guy to death with the

Sunday New York Times couldn't you?

Or suppose you just had really big hands

couldn't you strangle a flight attendant?

Shit you could probably strangle two of them,

one with each hand.

You know if you are lucky enough to catch them

in that little kitchen area

before they give out the fucking peanuts you know?

But you could get the job done

if you really cared enough.

So why is it they allow a man

with big powerful hands

to get on board an airplane?

I'll tell you why.

They know he's not a security risk

because he's already answered

the three big questions.

Question number one:

Did you pack your bags yourself?

No Carrot Top packed my bags.

He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson

came over to the house last night,

fixed me a lovely lobster Newburgh,

gave me a full body massage

with sacred oils from India,

performed a four way around the world

and then they packed my bags.

Next question:

Have your bags

been in your possession the whole time?

No.

Usually the night before I travel,

just as the moon is rising,

I place my suitcases out on the street corner

and leave them there

unattended for several hours.

Just for good luck.

Next question:

Has any unknown person

asked you to take anything on board?

Hmm,

but what exactly is an unknown person?

Surely everyone is known to someone.

In fact, just this morning

Kareem and Ucef Allibamgaba

seemed to know each other quite well.

They kept joking about

which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.

And that's another thing they don't like at the airport,

jokes you know?

Yeah you can't joke about a bomb.

Well why is it just jokes?

What about a riddle?

How about a limerick?

How about a bomb anecdote?

You know no punch line just a really cute story.

Or suppose you intended the remark

not as a joke but as an ironic musing.

Are they prepared to make that distinction?

Why I think not.

And besides who's to say what's funny.

Airport security is a stupid idea,

it's a waste of money

and it's only there for one reason,

to make white people feel safe.

That's all, the illusion,

the feeling and illusion of safety

cause the authorities know

they can't make an airplane completely safe.

Too many people have access.

You'll notice the drug smugglers

don't seem to have a lot of trouble

getting there little packages on board do they?

No and God bless them too.

Oh and by the way

an airplane flight shouldn't be completely safe.

You need a little danger in your life.

Take a fucking chance once in a while will you?

What are you going to do

play with your prick for another thirty years?

What are you going to read People Magazine

and eat at Wendy's till the end of time?

Take a fucking chance.

Besides even if they made

all of the airplanes completely safe

the terrorist would simply

start bombing other places that are crowded.

Porn shops,

crack houses,

titty bars

and gangbangs you know?

Entertainment venues.

The odds of you being killed by a terrorist

are practically zero.

So I say relax and enjoy the show.

You have to be a realist.

You have to be realistic about terrorism.

Certain groups of people, certain groups,

Muslim Fundamentalist,

Christian Fundamentalist,

Jewish Fundamentalist

and just plain guys from Montana

are going to continue to make life in this country

very interesting for a long, long time.

That's the reality.

Angry men in combat fatigues

talking to God on a two-way radio

and mothering incoherent slogans about freedom

are eventually going to provide us

with a great deal of entertainment.

Especially after your stupid, fucking economy

collapses all around you

and the terrorist come out of the woodwork

and you'll have anthrax

in your water supply

and serine gas in your air conditioners.

They'll be chemical and biological

suitcase bombs in every city

and I say enjoy it,

relax. Enjoy the show.

Take a fucking chance.

Put a little fun in your life.

To me terrorism is exciting.

It's exciting.

I think the very idea that you can

set off a bomb in a marketplace

and kill several hundred people

is exciting and stimulating

and I see it as a form of entertainment.

Entertainment that's all it is.

Yeah.

But... but I also know that most Americans

are soft and frightened and unimaginative

and they don't realize there's such a thing

as dangerous fun

and they certainly don't recognize

a good show when they see one.

I have always been willing

to put myself at great personal risk

for the sake of entertainment.

And I've always been willing to put you

at great personal risk for the same reason.

As far as I'm concerned

all of this airport security,

all the searches, the screenings,

the cameras, the questions

it's just one more way

of reducing your liberty and reminding you

that they can fuck with you anytime they want

as long as you put up with it.

As long as you put up with it,

which means of course anytime they want

cause that's what Americans do now.

Their always willing to trade away

a little of their freedom

in exchange for the feeling,

the illusion of security.

What we have now

is a completely neurotic population

obsessed with security and safety

and crime and drugs and cleanliness

and hygiene and germs.

There's another thing, germs.

Where did this sudden fear of germs

come from in this country?

Had you noticed this,

the media constantly running stories

about all the latest infections,

salmonella, ecoli, hanka virus, bird flu

and Americans panic easily

so now everybody's running around

scrubbing this and spraying that

and overcooking their food

and repeatedly washing their hands

trying to avoid all contact with germs.

It's ridiculous

and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

In prisons

before they give you a lethal injection

they swab your arm with alcohol.

It's true.

Well they don't want you to get an infection

and you can see their point.

Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell

and be sick.

Would take a lot of the sportsmanship

out of the whole execution.

Fear of, germs why these fucking pussies.

You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore.

They kick the shit out of everything now

cause everybody's afraid of food poisoning.

Hey where's your sense of adventure?

Take a fucking chance will ya?

Do you know how many people

die in this country from food poisoning every year?

Nine thousand, that's all,

it's a minor risk.

Take a fucking chance bunch Goddamn pussies.

Besides what do you think

you have an immune system for?

It's for killing germs but it needs practice.

It needs germs to practice on

so... so listen.

So listen.

If you kill all the germs around you

and live a completely sterile life

then when germs do come along

you're not going to be prepared.

And never mind ordinary germs

what are you going to do

when some super virus comes along

that turns your vital organs

into liquid shit?

I'll tell you what you're going to do,

you're going to sick,

you're going to die

and you're going to deserve it

cause you're fucking weak

and you got a fucking weak immune system.

Now.

Goddamn it.

Hey.

All right.

Let me you tell you a true story

about immunization okay?

When I was a little boy in New York City

in the 1940's we swam in the Hudson River

and it was filled with raw sewage okay?

We swam in raw sewage you know,

to cool off

and at that time the big fear was polio.

Thousands of kids died from polio every year

but you know something?

In my neighborhood no one ever got polio,

no one, ever.

You know why?

Cause we swam in raw sewage.

It strengthened our immune systems.

The polio never had a prayer.

We were tempered in raw shit.

So... so personally I never take

any special precautions against germs.

I don't shy away from people

who sneeze and cough.

I don't wipe off the telephone.

I don't cover the toilet seat

and if I drop food on the floor

I pick it up and eat it.

I eat it.

Yes I do.

Even if I'm at a sidewalk café

in Calcutta,

the poor section

on New Years morning during a soccer riot.

And you know something in spite of all that

so called risky behavior

I never get infections.

I don't get them.

I don't get colds.

I don't get flu.

I don't get headaches.

I don't get upset stomach.

And you know why?

Cause I got a good strong immune system

and it gets a lot of practice.

My immune system is equipped

with the biologically equivalent

of fully automatic military assault rifles

with night vision and laser scopes

and we have recently acquired

phosphorus grenades, cluster bombs

and anti-personnel fragmentation mines.

So when my white blood cells are on patrol

Keeping order in my bloodstream

seeking out strangers and other undesirables,

if they see any,

any suspicious looking germs of any kind

they don't fuck around.

They whip out the weapons,

they wax the motherfucker

and deposit the unlucky fellow

directly into my colon.

Into my colon, there's no nonsense.

There's no Miranda warning.

There's none of that

three strikes and your out shit.

First offense bam into the colon you go.

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, and speaking of my colon

I want you to know

I don't automatically wash my hands

every time I go to the bathroom okay?

Can you deal with that?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

You know when I was my hands?

When I shit on them.

That's the only time.

That's the only...

and you know how often that happens?

Tops... tops two, three times a week, tops.

Tops.

Maybe a little more frequently

over the holidays, you know what I mean?

And I'll tell you something else

my well-scrubbed friends.

You don't always need a shower everyday.

Did you know that?

It's overkill.

Unless you work out or work outdoors

or for some reason come in intimate contact

with huge amounts of filth

and garbage everyday

you don't always need a shower.

All you really need to do

is to wash the four key areas,

armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth.

Got that?

Armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth.

In fact you can save yourself

a whole lot of time

if you simply use the same brush

on all four areas.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

All right.

Listen I got a few more items

of things that are pissing me off

and this one comes in the form of a question.

Haven't we had about enough

of this cigar smoking shit in this country?

Huh?

When is this going to end?

When is this shit going to go away?

When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid,

overfed, over privileged,

over indulged, white collar,

business criminal, asshole, cocksuckers

going to put out their cigars

and move along to their next abomination?

White pussy businessmen

sucking on a big brown dick.

That's all it is.

Yeah.

A big brown dick.

Sigmund Freud said,

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. "

Oh yeah, well sometimes it's a big brown dick...

with a fat, arrogant, white-collar

business criminal, asshole

sucking on the wet end of it.

But hey, the news is not all bad for me,

not all bad,

you want to know the good part?

Cancer of the mouth.

Good.

Fuck 'em.

Makes me happy.

It's an attractive disease,

goes nice with a cell phone.

So light up.

Suspend a man and suck that smoke

deep down into your empty suit

and blow it out your ass

you fucking cocksucker.

Thank you.

Hey,

here's another question I've been pondering.

What is all this shit about angels?

Have you heard this?

Yeah, three out of four people

now believe in angels.

What are you fucking stupid?

Has everybody lost their fucking mind

in this country?

Angels, shit.

You know what I think it is?

I think it's a massive collective

psychotic chemical flashback

of all the drugs,

all the drugs,

smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot

and absorbed rectally

by all Americans from 1960 to 1990.

Thirty years of adulterated street drugs

will get you some fucking angels my friend.

Angels shit.

What about goblins huh?

Doesn't anybody believe in goblins?

Never hear about them except on Halloween

and its always negative shit too you know?

And zombies, where the fuck are all the zombies?

That's the trouble with zombies,

they're unreliable.

I say if you're going to buy the angels shit

you might as well go

for the zombie package as well.

Here's another horrifying example,

aspect of American culture,

the pussification,

the continued,

the continued pussification

of the American male

in the form...

yeah all right,

in the form of

Harley Davidson theme restaurants.

What the fuck is going on here?

Harley Davidson used to mean something.

It stood for biker attitude.

Grimy outlaws and there sweaty mamas,

full of beer and crank

rolling around on Harley's

looking for a good time

destroying property,

raping teenagers and killing policemen.

All very necessary activities by the way

but now theme restaurants

and this soft shit

obviously didn't come from hardcore bikers.

It came from these weekend motorcyclists.

These fraudulent,

two day a week motherfuckers

who have their bikes

trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota

for the big rally and then ride around

like they just come in off the road.

Dentist and bureaucrats

and pussy boy software designers

getting up on a Harley

cause they think it makes them cool.

Well hey Skeezits you ain't cool,

you're fucking chilly.

And chilly ain't never been cool.

And here as long as were talking

about theme restaurants,

I got a proposition for you,

I think if white people

are going to burn down black churches

then black people

ought to burn down the House Of Blues huh?

What a fucking disgrace that place is,

the House Of Blues.

They ought to call it

the house of lame white motherfuckers.

Inauthentic, low frequency, single digit

lame white motherfuckers,

especially these male movie stars

who think they're blues artist.

You ever see these guys?

Don't you just want to puke in your soup

when one of these fat, balding, overweight,

over aged, out of shape,

middle-aged male movie stars

with sunglasses jumps on stage

and starts blowing into a harmonica.

It's a fucking sacrilege.

In the first place,

in the first place,

white people got no business

playing the blues ever at all,

under any circumstances.

Ever, ever, ever.

What the fuck do white people

have to be blue about?

Banana Republic ran out of khakis?

Huh?

The Espresso machine is jammed.

Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?

Shit white people ought to understand

there job is to give people the blues

not to get them.

And certainly not to sing or play them.

Tell you a little secret about the blues;

it's not enough to know which notes to play

you got to know why they need to be played.

And another thing, I don't think,

I don't think white people

should be trying to dance like blacks.

Stop that!

Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes.

And that repulsive

country line dancing shit that you do

and be yourself.

Be proud, be white, be lame

and get the fuck off the dance floor.

Now.

I thank you.

Now listen,

long as were discussing minorities

I'd like to mention something about language.

There are a couple of terms

being used a lot these days

by guilty white liberals.

First one is,

happens to be.

He happens to be black.

I have a friend

who happens to be black.

Like it's a fucking accident you know?

Happens to be black?

Yes he happens to be black.

Awe yeah, yeah, yeah.

He had two black parents?

Oh yes, yes he did.

Yes.

And they fucked?

Oh indeed they did.

Indeed.

So where does the surprise part come in?

I should think it would be more unusual

if he just happened to be Scandinavian.

And the other term is openly.

Openly gay.

They'll say, he's openly gay.

But this... that's the only minority

they use that for.

You know you wouldn't say

someone was openly black.

Well maybe James Brown

or Lewis Farrakhan.

Lewis Farrakhan is openly black.

Colin Powell is not openly black.

Colin Powell is openly white,

he just happens to be black.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh thank you.

Thank you.

And while were at it

when did the word urban

become synonymous with the word black?

Did I fall asleep for eight or nine years?

Urban styles, urban trends, urban music,

I was not consulted on this at all.

Didn't get an email, didn't a fax,

didn't get a fucking postcard, fine!

Let them go.

And I don't think white women

should be calling each other girlfriend okay?

Stop pretending to be black.

And no matter what color you are

"you go girl"

should probably go...

right along,

right along with "you the man. "

Hey you the man.

Oh yeah?

Well you the fucking honkey.

Now something a little more positive for you.

Don't want you to think

the whole show is just negativity.

This is about a festival.

This is my idea for one of those

big outdoor summer festivals.

This is called Slugfest.

This is for men only.

Here's what you do,

you get about a hundred thousand

of these fucking men,

you know the ones I mean,

these macho motherfuckers.

Yeah, these strutting, preening, posturing,

hairy, sweaty, alpha male jack offs.

The muscle assholes.

You take about a hundred thousand

of these disgusting pricks

and you throw them in a big dirt arena,

big twenty-five acre dirt arena,

and you just let them

beat the shit out of each other

for twenty-four hours nonstop,

no food, no water

just whiskey and PCP.

And you just let them punch and pound and kick

the shit out of each other until

only one guy is left standing

then you take that guy

and you put him on a pedestal

and you shoot him the fucking head.

Yeah.

Then you put the whole thing on TV.

Budweiser would jump at that shit

in half a minute.

And guys would volunteer.

Guys would line up

all you got to do

is promise them a small appliance of some kind.

Men will do anything just give them something

that plugs in the wall

makes a whirring noise.

Here's another male cliché,

these guys who cut the sleeves

off of their T-shirts

so the rest of us can have

an even more compelling experience

of smelling their armpits.

I say, hey Bruno shut it down would you please?

You smell like an anchovy's cunt okay?

Yeah.

Not good.

Not good Bruno

and definitely not for sharing.

This is the same kind of guy

that has that barbed wire tattoo

that goes all the way around the bicep.

You've seen that haven't you?

That's just what I need some guy

who hasn't been laid since the bicentennial

wants me to think he's a bad motherfucker

because he's got a picture ahha,

a painting of some barbed-wire on his...

I say hey junior come around

when you have the real thing on there

I'll squeeze that shit on

good and tight for you okay?

No kidding.

This is the same kind of guy if you,

if you smashed him in the face

eight or nine times

with a big chunk of concrete

and then beat him over the head

with a steel rod for an hour and a half

you know what?

He'd drop like a fucking rock.

Like a rock.

Here's another guy thing that sucks.

These T-shirts that say,

Lead follow or get out of the way.

You ever see that?

This is more of that

stupid Marine Corp bullshit.

Obsolete male impulses

from a hundred thousand years ago.

Lead follow or get out of the way.

You know what I do

when I see that shirt?

I stand right in the guys path,

force him to walk around me,

he gets a little past me,

I spin him around,

kick him in the nuts,

rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass

and shove it down his fucking throat.

That's what I do when I see that shirt.

Yeah.

Hey, listen,

that's all these Marine's

are looking for a good time.

And speaking of tough guys,

I'm getting a little tired of hearing

that after six policemen get arrested

for shoving a floor lamp

up some black guys ass

and ripping his intestine's out

the police department announces

they're going to have sensitivity training.

I say hey, if you need special training

to be told not to jam

a large cumbersome object

up someone else's asshole

maybe you're too fucked up

to be on the police force in the first place

huh?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe not, I don't know.

Listen, yeah.

That's right.

You know what they ought to do?

They ought to have two new requirements

for being on the police.

Intelligence and decency.

You never can tell it might just work.

It certainly hasn't been tried yet.

No one should ever have

any object placed inside their asshole

that is larger than a fist

and less loving than a dildo okay?

Now this next thing is about our president.

This is about our president.

Bill Jeff.

Clinton.

I don't call him Clinton I call him Clittin.

Clittin, C-L-I-T-T-I-N, apostroph-e.

His big deal was J.F.K.

Isn't that right?

Love J.F.K.

Wanted to immolate J.F.K.

In every way.

Well J.F.K.'s administration

was called Camelot.

Well what it really should have been called

Come A Lot.

Because that's what he did he came a lot.

So Clinton's looking for a legacy

that's what he should call it.

Well maybe come a little would be better for him

cause he came a little.

You know, a little on the dress,

little on the desk,

not a whole lot really.

Hey he was no match,

no match for Kennedy in the pussy department.

Kennedy aimed high,

Marilyn Monroe.

Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk.

There's a drop off here.

It's a drop off.

Thank you.

Now... I appreciate it.

Something else I'm getting tired of

is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to

all the time about children.

It's all you here in this country.

Children.

Help the children.

What about the children?

Save the children.

You know what I say?

Fuck the children.

Fuck 'em.

They're getting entirely too much attention

and I know what you're thinking you say,

Jesus he's not going to attack children is he?

Yes he is.

He's going to attack children.

And remember this is Mister Conductor talking.

I know what I'm talking about.

And I also know,

I also know all you single dad's

and soccer mom's

who think you're such fucking heroes

aren't going to like this

but somebody's got to tell you for your own good,

you're children are overrated and overvalued.

You've turned them into little cult objects.

You have a child fetish and it's not healthy.

And don't give me, don't give me that weak shit.

Well I love my children.

Fuck you.

Everybody loves their children.

Doesn't make you special.

John Wayne Gacy loved his children.

Kept them all right out in the yard near the garage.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What I'm talking about is this constant,

mindless, yammering in the media,

this neurotic fixation

that some how everything,

everything has to be revolved around children.

It's completely out of balance.

Listen, there are a couple of things about kids

you have to remember.

First of all, they're not all cute okay?

In fact, if you look at them close

some of them are rather unpleasant looking.

And a lot of them don't smell too good either.

The little ones in particular

seem to have a kind of

urine and sour milk combination or something.

Stay with me on this, the longer,

the sooner you face it

the better off you're going to be.

Second premise, not all children

are smart and clever got that?

Kids are like any other group of people,

a few winners a whole lot of losers.

There are a lot of loser kids out there

who simply aren't going anywhere.

And you can't save them all.

You can't save them all.

You got to let them go.

You go to cut them lose.

You got to stop overprotecting them

cause your making them too soft.

Today's kids are way too soft.

For one thing there's too much emphasis on safety.

Childproof medicine bottles

and fireproof pajamas,

child restraints in car seats and helmets,

bicycles, skateboard, baseball helmet.

Kids have to wear helmets now for everything

but jerking off.

Grown ups have taken all the fun

out of being a kid

just to save a few thousand lives.

It's pathetic.

What's happening is,

all right,

what's happening,

you know what it is?

These baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers

are raising an entire generation

of soft, fruity kids

who aren't even allowed to have hazardous toys

for Christ's sake.

Hazardous toys shit.

What ever happened to natural selection?

Survival of the fittest.

The kid who swallows too many marbles

doesn't grow up to have kids of his own.

Simple as that.

Simple.

Nature, nature.

Nature knows best.

We're saving entirely too many lives

in this country of all ages.

Nature should be allowed to do its job

of killing off the weak and sickly

and ignorant people without interference

from air bags and batting helmets.

Just think of it as passive euthenics okay?

Now here's another example of over protection.

Did you ever notice on the TV news

every time some guy with an AK 47

strolls onto a school yard

and kills three or four kids

and a couple of teachers,

the next day, the next day

the school is overrun with counselors

and psychiatrist

and grief counselors

and trauma therapists

trying to help the children cope.

Shit when I was in school

someone came to our school

and killed three or four of us

we went right on with our arithmetic.

Thirty-five classmates minus four

equals thirty-one.

We were tough.

I say if kids can handle the violence at home

they ought to be able to handle

the violence in school.

I'm not worried about guns in school,

you know what I'm waiting for?

Guns in church.

That's going to be a lot of fun.

And it will happen you watch.

Some nut will go fucking ape shit in a church

and they'll refer to him as

a disgruntled worshiper.

Here.

Here's another bunch of ignorant shit.

School uniforms.

Bad theory.

The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school

it helps keep order.

Don't these schools do enough damage

making all these kids think alike

now there going to get them to look alike too?

And it's not a new idea.

I first saw it in old newsreel in the 1930's

but it was hard to understand

cause the narration was in German.

All right.

One more.

Thank you.

One more item about children

and that is this superstitious nonsense

that blames tobacco companies

for kids who smoke.

Listen kids don't smoke

because a camel in sunglasses tells them to.

They smoke for the same reasons adults do

because it relieves anxiety and depression.

And you'd be anxious and depressed too

if you had to put up with these

pathetic, insecure,

striving, anal, yuppie parents

who enroll you in college

before you're old enough to know

which side of the playpen smells the worst.

And then they fill you full of Ritalin

and drag you all over town

in search of meaningless structure.

Little League, Cub Scouts, swimming, soccer,

karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft,

glass blowing and dildo practice.

They even,

they even have play dates for Christ's sakes.

Playing is now done by appointment.

What ever happened to

you show me your wee wee

and I'll show you mine?

Hey no wonder kids smoke, it helps.

Not as much as weed

but hey you can't have everything.

You know it's true,

parents are burning these kids out on structure.

I think everyday all children

should have three hours of daydreaming,

just daydreaming.

You could use it a little of it yourself by the way.

Just sit at the window stare at the clouds

it's good for you.

Do you want to know how

you can help your children?

Leave them the fuck alone!

Very well.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

All right now a little change of pace.

Little change of intensity.

I want you to know

what's on television tonight

on the other channels.

Always like people to know what it is

they're missing by listening to my shit.

First of all on the Playboy channel

on the Playboy channel tonight

they have one of those new reality shows

where the people at home send in their own tapes

it's called, Home Videos of Bad Fucking.

And speaking of that delightful activity

I guess you know last week Rickey Lake

had a special program

Women Who Fake Orgasms

so tonight not to be out done

Jerry Springer has a night time special

Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.

Yeah I think they're running out of topics

on those shows too.

Sally Jesse's next show is

Rapist's Who Force Their Victims

to Play Yahtzee Beforehand.

Getting a little strange on daytime TV.

Then later on tonight on the Nostalgia Channel

they're going to play back-to-back

two of my favorite episodes

of Little House on the Prairie.

First of all of the 1975 Christmas show,

A Douche Bag for Clara.

Wasn't that good?

And it was sad toward the end when she cried

cause she stuck it in the wrong hole.

But as they say in the U.S. Navy,

there is no wrong hole.

And then right after that they're going to play

my favorite Little House on the Prairie of all time,

Missy Takes A Big Dump In The Woods.

And that was interesting I thought

cause she had on the high heels

and the long dress

and it was fun to watch

how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac.

And they didn't have toilet paper in those days

she had to use a series of pinecones.

And she was pulling them in the wrong direction.

Yes.

I understand toward the end of the show

they had to bleep out a lot of

screaming and foul language.

And then hey, hey,

later on tonight on pay-per-view,

on pay-per-view Willie Nelson.

Willie Nelson's concert is on and TV Guide listed

all the songs he's going to sing.

He's going to start out with one my favorites,

Too Drunk To Jerk Off, isn't that a good one?

God I love that song.

Then he's going to do a series of love songs.

Kiss Me I'm Coming, awe that's a good one.

Kiss me I'm coming.

Hold me I'm humming.

Hmmmm.

Well I can't help it, I am a romantic

and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes.

Here's a sad song,

I should of Fucked Ole' What's Her Name.

Remember that?

I should of never played the game.

I should of fucked ole' what's her name.

Here's one my mother used to sing around the house.

You're Love Ran Down My Leg and Now You're Gone.

Yeah.

That one always got to me.

I'm glad you feel the same way.

Here's a fine love song.

You Blew My Mind Now Blow Me.

He even,

he's even going to do a Stevie Wonder song,

I Just Called To Say I Tested Positive.

Yeah.

Well you don't want to leave anybody out

you know what I mean?

And hey, and hey,

what would a Willie Nelson show be

without a couple of cowboy songs?

He's going to do that one

George Jones and Waylon Jennings wrote,

Drinking Beer, Taking A Shit

and Passing Out.

Then he's going to do a kind of

traditional western song,

one that Gene Autry used to sing

when I was a little boy, It's Midnight in Montana

and I Can't Get My Dick Out of this Cow.

I love that song.

I always liked it.

Yeah.

You know why I like that song so much?

Cause it's a real cowboy song,

and by the way, speaking of cattle fucking,

do you know why it is

when a rancher fucks a sheep

he does so at the edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep will push back.

Little something for you.

Yes.

Just a little tip for you outdoorsmen

when you're out camping.

Now this next thing is about names

that's all names.

Names are an interest of mine.

Not a hobby.

Hobby's cost money.

Interest are free.

This is just about names.

Did you ever notice how they name singles bars?

Singles bars have all the same kind of

cutesy little one word names that end in'S.'

Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumors, Cahoots, Cheers,

Chances, Mingles, Risks, Gambits, Notions,

hey if I had a singles bar you know what I'd call it?

Nipples and Dicks.

A little truth in advertising.

The Sperm Club.

Snatch-O-Rama.

The Crotchiteria,

Frankie's Fuckery,

Café Vagina, Open All Night.

Well I'm an old fashioned guy.

I'm old-fashioned cause I believe

the name on the outside of a place

ought to let you know

what's going on in the inside.

Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant,

The Mouthful, huh?

Come on that's clever shit,

that's a double pun Goddamn it,

you didn't think of it.

Besides you don't have to eat there

if you don't want to.

No, no, just go in have a cocktail.

Or a high ball.

Here's another name I don't care for,

TGI Fridays.

You know these cutesy ass little places,

TGI Fridays.

That whole TGIF thing was cute for about an hour,

about an hour,

and that was 65 years ago

when someone first said it on the radio.

Not cute anymore,

time to start bombing these locations.

TGI Fridays.

If I had a place like that

you know what I'd call it?

H- S-I-O-W,

Holy Shit its Only Wednesday.

I think people would drink a lot more liquor

if they thought it was Wednesday all the time.

Well I'm just looking for a little honesty

in these names, little honesty.

That's not asking a lot.

I'm thinking of opening up a motel

and calling it The Sleep and Fuck.

Wouldn't that be a good honest name for a motel?

Who needs this Shady Pines bullshit?

The Sleep and Fuck Motel.

Get me one of them big neon signs,

Sleep... Fuck.

Sleep... fuck.

Sleep and fuck.

Sleep and Fuck.

Sleep... fuck.

Sleep and Fuck.

You put it right at the Jersey entrance

to the Holland Tunnel you know?

Actually Fuck and Sleep

would be a little more accurate wouldn't it?

Best name for a motel would be

The Fuck and Smoke and Sleep and Rollover

and Get Out of Bed and Wash Your Crotch

and Go Out and Buy Two Cans Mr. Pibb

and Go Home and Fuck A Whole Lot More.

A whole lot more.

Cause that's all they ever have left

in those soda machines on Sunday nights.

Mr. Pibb and Diet Shasta Orange

and that yellow can

of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants!

And speaking of naming things,

am I the only person in this country

who's laughing when these commercials

come on television for Snapper lawn mowers?

Isn't there anyone else on this fading republic

who knows what a snapper is?

A snapper is a pussy okay?

That's what it means,

snapper means pussy

It's derived from an older more specific term

snappin' pussy,

which describes a particular type of pussy.

One with good, quick muscular control,

kind of an elasticity in the vaginal wall

that can grab a hold of you

and give you a decent hump

do you know what I'm talking about?

A snappin' pussy.

But now, now snapper means any kind of pussy

and they've named a lawn mower company after it.

Now I have seen a few snappers in my day,

never seen one that'll cut grass.

No.

Maybe do a little edging,

a little edging along the driveway

after a party that's all you can hope for.

But you know weed whacker you can understand.

Now a lot of these company names

and product names

are influenced by marketing

and advertising people

and this next thing is about advertising

and by the way if you should have any

cognitive dissonance about the fact

that I do commercials for 10-10-2-20

and still attack advertising up here

well you're just going to have

to figure that shit out on your own okay?

Now, this is called advertising lullaby.

Keeping in mind of course

that the whole purpose of advertising

is to lull you to sleep.

Quality, values, styles, service, selection,

convenience, economy, savings, performance,

experience, hospitality, low-rates,

friendly service, name brands, easy terms,

affordable prices, money back guarantee,

free installation, free admission,

free appraisal, free alterations,

free delivery, free estimates,

free home trial and free parking,

no cash, no problem, no kidding,

no fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation,

no red tape, no down payment,

no entry fee, no hidden charges,

no purchase necessary,

no one will call on you,

no payments or interest till September.

But limited time only, so act now, order today,

send no money, offer good while supplies last,

two to a customer, each item sold separately,

batteries not included, mileage may vary,

all sales are final,

allow six weeks for delivery,

some items not available, some assembly required,

some restrictions may apply.

But come on in.

Come on in.

Come on in for a free demonstration

and a free consultation

with our friendly professional staff.

Our experience and knowledgeable

sales representatives will help you

make a selection that's just right for you

and just right for your budget

and say don't forget to pick up your free gift,

a classic deluxe, custom designer, luxury,

prestige, high-quality premium,

select gourmet, pocket pencil sharpener.

Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary,

it's our way of saying thank you

and if you act now we'll include

an extra added free complimentary bonus gift,

a classic deluxe, custom designer,

luxury, prestige, high-quality,

premium select, gourmet,

combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose

in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case

with authentic vinyl trim.

Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.

It's our way of saying thank you.

Actually it's our way of saying

bend over just a little bit farther

so we can stick this big advertising dick

up your ass a little bit deeper.

A little bit deeper.

You miserable,

no good, fucking consumer asshole.

Cause you do know folks living in this country

you're bound to know,

that every time you're exposed to advertising

you realize once again

that America's leading industry,

America's most profitable business

is still the manufacture packaging,

distribution and marketing of bullshit.

High quality, grade 'A', prime cut,

pure American bullshit

and the sad part is,

is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated

to believe that bullshit

only comes from certain places,

certain sources,

advertising, politics, salesmen, not true,

bullshit is everywhere.

Bullshit is rampant.

Parents are full of shit,

teachers are full of shit,

clergymen are full of shit

and law enforcement people are full of shit.

This entire country,

this entire country is completely full of shit

and always has been

from the Declaration of Independence

of the Constitution to the Star Spangled Banner

it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile

of red, white and blue all American bullshit

because think of how we started.

Think of that.

This country was founded

by a group of slave owners

who told us all men are created equal.

Oh yeah, all men except for

Indians and niggers and women right?

Always like to use

that authentic American language.

This was a small group of unelected,

white male, land holding, slave owners

who also suggested their class

be the only one allowed to vote.

Now that is what's known as being stunningly

and embarrassingly full of shit.

And I think, I think Americans

really show their ignorance when they say

they want their politicians to be honest.

What are these fucking creedents talking about?

If honesty were suddenly

introduced into American life

the whole system would collapse.

No one would no what to do.

Honesty would fuck this country up.

And I think deep down Americans know that.

That's why they elected

and re-elected Bill Clinton.

That's right.

Because, because the American people

liked their bullshit right out front

where they can get a good strong whiff of it.

Clinton might be full of shit

but at least he lets you know it.

Dole tried to hide it didn't he?

Dole kept saying, I'm a plain and honest man.

Bullshit.

People don't believe that.

What did Clinton say?

He said, Hi folks.

I'm completely full shit and how do you like that?

And the people said, You know something?

At least he's honest.

At least he's honest

about being completely full of shit.

It's just like the business world.

Same as business.

Everybody knows by now all businessmen

are completely full of shit.

Just the worse kind of low life criminal,

cocksuckers you could ever want to run into.

The fucking piece of shit businessman.

And the proof of it, the proof of it is

they don't even trust each other.

They don't trust one another.

When a businessman sets down

and negotiates a deal

the first thing he does is automatically

assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick

who's trying to fuck him out of his money.

So he's got to do everything he can

to fuck the other guy a little bit faster

and a little bit harder.

And he's got to do it

with a big smile on his face.

You know that big bullshit businessman smile

and if you're a customer whoa,

that's when you get the really big smile.

Customer always gets the really big smile

as the businessman

carefully positions himself

directly behind the customer

and unzips his pants

and proceeds to service the account.

I'm servicing this account.

This customer needs service.

Now you know what they mean.

Now you know what they mean when they say,

We specialize in customer service.

Whoever coined the phrase,

"let the buyer beware"

was probably bleeding from the asshole.

But that's business.

That's business.

But in the bullshit department,

in the bullshit department

a businessman can't hold a candle

to a clergyman.

Cause I got to tell you the truth folks,

I got to tell you the truth,

when it comes to bullshit,

big time, major league bullshit

you have to stand in awe,

in awe of the all time champion

of false promises and exaggerated claims

religion,

no contest.

No contest.

Religion,

religion easily has

the greatest bullshit story ever told.

Think about it.

Religion has actually convinced people

that there's an invisible man living in the sky

who watches everything you do,

every minute of every day

and the invisible man has a special list

of ten things he does not want you to do.

And if you do any of these ten things

he has a special place full of fire and smoke

and burning and torture and anguish

where he will send you to live and suffer

and burn and choke

and scream and cry forever and ever

till the end of time.

But he loves you.

He loves you.

He loves you and he needs money.

He always needs money.

He's all-powerful, all perfect, all knowing

and all wise somehow just can't handle money.

Religion takes in billions of dollars,

they pay no taxes,

and they always need a little more.

Now you talk about a good bullshit story,

holy shit!

Thank you.

Thank you.

But... thank you very much.

But I want you to know,

I want you to know something,

this is sincere, I want you to know

when it comes to believing in God

I really tried.

I really, really tried.

I tried to believe that there is a God

who created each of us

in his own image and lightness,

loves us very much

and keeps a close eye on things,

I really tried to believe that.

But I got to tell you the longer you live,

the more you look around,

the more you realize something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here.

War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,

filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption

and the Ice Capades

something is definitely wrong.

This is not good work.

If this is the best God can do

I am not impressed.

Results like these do not belong

on the resume of a supreme being.

This is the kind of shit you'd expect

from an office temp with a bad attitude.

And just between you and me, between you and me

in any decently run universe

this guy would have been

out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.

And by the way,

I say this guy because I firmly believe,

looking at these results, that if there is a God

it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever

fuck things up like this.

So, so,

If,

If there is a God, if there is,

I think most reasonable people might agree

that he's at least incompetent and maybe,

just maybe doesn't give a shit.

Doesn't give a shit,

which I admire in a person

and which would explain a lot

of these bad results.

So rather than be just another

mindless religious robot,

mindlessly and aimlessly

and blindly believing that all of this

is in the hands of some spooky

incompetent father figure

who doesn't give a shit,

I decided to look around

for something else to worship.

Something I could really count on

and immediately I thought of the sun.

Happened like that.

Overnight I became a sun worshiper.

Well not overnight,

you can't see the sun at night

but first thing the next morning

I became a sun worshiper.

Several reasons,

first of all I can see the sun

okay?

Yeah.

Unlike some other God's I could mention,

I can actually see the sun.

I'm big on that.

If I can see something, I don't know,

it kind of helps the creditability along you know?

So everyday I can see the sun

as it gives me everything I need

heat, light, food, flowers in the park,

reflections on the lake,

an occasional skin cancer but hey

at least there were no crucifixions

and were not setting people on fire

simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple,

there's no mystery, no miracles,

no pageantry, no one asks for money,

there are no songs to learn

and we don't have special building

where we all gather once a week to compare clothing.

And the best thing,

the best thing about the sun

it never tells me I'm unworthy.

Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person

who needs to be saved.

Hasn't said an unkind word.

Treats me fine.

So I worship the sun

but I don't pray to the sun

know why?

I wouldn't presume on our friendship.

It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God

rather rudely don't you?

Asking up trillions and trillions of prayers everyday.

Asking and pleading and begging for favors.

Do this, give me that, I need a new car,

I want a better job

and most of this praying

takes place on Sunday,

his day off.

It's not nice and it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray and they pray

for a lot of different things.

You know you're sister needs an operation on her crotch.

Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall.

But most of all you'd really like to fuck

that hot little red head

down at the convenient store.

You know the one with the eye patch

and the clubfoot huh?

Can you pray for that?

I think you'd have to.

And I say fine, pray for anything you want,

pray for anything but

what about the divine plan?

Remember that?

The divine plan;

long time ago God made a divine plan.

Gave it a lot of thought,

decided it was a good plan, put into practice

and for billions and billions of years

the divine plan has been doing just fine.

Now you come along and pray for something.

Well suppose the thing you want

isn't in God's divine plan.

What do you want him to do

change his plan just for you?

Doesn't it seem a little arrogant?

It's a divine plan.

What's the use of being God

if every run down schmuck

with a two-dollar prayer book

can come along and fuck up your plan?

And here's something else,

another problem you might have,

suppose your prayers aren't answered,

what do you say?

Well it's God's will.

Thy will be done.

Fine but if it's God's will

and he's going to do what he wants to anyway

why the fuck bother praying in the first place?

Seems like a big waste of time to me.

Couldn't you just skip the praying part

and go right to his will?

It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this

I decided to worship the sun

but as I said I don't pray to the sun.

You know who I pray to?

Joe Peshi.

Two reasons, first of all I think he's a good actor

okay?

To me that counts.

Second,

he looks like a guy who can get things done.

Joe Peshi doesn't fuck around.

Doesn't fuck around.

In fact,

in fact, Joe Peshi came through

on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something

about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog,

Joe Peshi straightened that cocksucker out

with one visit.

It's amazing what you can accomplish

with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now

and I noticed something.

I noticed that all the prayers

I used to offer to God

and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Peshi

are being answered at about

the same fifty percent rate.

Half the time I get what I want,

half the time I don't.

Same as God, fifty-fifty.

Same as the four-leaf clover

and the horseshoe,

the wishing well and the rabbit's foot.

Same as the Mojo man.

Same as the Voodoo lady

who tells you your fortune

by squeezing the goat's testicles,

it's all the same fifty-fifty.

So just pick your superstition, sit back,

make a wish and enjoy yourself

and for those of you who look to the Bible

for a moral lessons and literary qualities

I might suggest

a couple of other stories for you.

You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs,

that's a good one.

Has a nice happy ending.

I'm sure you'll like that.

Then there's Little Red Riding Hood

although it does have that X-rated part

where the big bad wolf

actually eats the grandmother,

which I didn't care for by the way.

And finally I've often always drawn a great deal

of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty.

The part I like the best,

all the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty

and there is no God.

None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I'm going to put it this way,

if there is a God,

if there is a God

may he strike this audience dead.

See nothing happened.

Everybody's okay all right.

Tell you what,

tell you what I'll raise the stakes.

I'll raise the stakes a little bit;

if there is a God may he strike me dead.

See nothing happened wait

I got a little cramp in my leg

and my balls hurt.

Plus I'm blind.

Now I'm okay again,

must have been Joe Peshi.

God Bless Joe Peshi.

Thank you all very much.

Joe bless you.

Thank you all very much.

I appreciate it.

Bye bye.

Have fun.

Good.

Thank you very much.

Have a good time,

Have a good time, thank you.