All language subtitles for Kings Of Con s01e08 Plano, TX.eng

( music playing )

Hello, Plano.
We at the right hotel?

Robert, we've finally arrived.
Flowers in the lobby?

Suits on the staff.

My man. This is it.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

- I like it.
- This place has class.

Hi. I'm checking in.

Last name Jiblowme.

First name?

- Haywood.
- Bingo.

Ooh. They have a spa.

What? Spa-ching.

Now you're spa-alking?

Okay, Mr. Jiblowme. I'm
just gonna need a credit card for incidentals.

Try this one.
It's spa-ctacular.

I wonder if they can do
a spa-- shit!

Spa shit?
What's a--

Lyle.

What's he doing here?

Well, he is co-owner
of the convention company, so...

Yeah, but he never comes to
cons.

Well, he does when
it's renegotiating season.

( gasps )

- That starts now?
- Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I can't do face-to-face,
I get all panicky.

Why doesn't he just call my
agent like everybody else?

Who else calls your agent?

- In theory, I mean.
- You know what?

Maybe this is the
universe telling you that it's time to grow a pair

and go get that raise
you're always bitching about.

Tell the universe to suck it.

It's not about the cash, Rich.
It's about respect.

I deserve a bump in respect.

Or maybe just a raise.

Hello?

Still here.

Uh, your credit card says
Richard Slate.

Yes, because that's my name.

- Haywood Jiblowme is an alias.
- You don't say.

You see, uh, my buddy and I,

we are actors from television

and if our actual identities
leaked out

and the media and the fans knew
we were staying here...

it would be chaos.

Right...

I see it now.
Got it.

Thank you.

- Sir.
- Yeah?

You ready to check in?

Uh, I am ready to check in, yes.

- Name?
- McCrotch.

Pat McCrotch.

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table
set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly
half-past none ♪

♪ Just tell me
where to sign for you ♪

I don't... I don't know.

- Did...
- Well...

- I think we're on the wrong
floor. - Maybe we're in the wrong wing?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Richard!

Uh, I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

I'm Mary Helen,
all the way from Dallas.

Uh, isn't that like 15 minutes
away?

Rob, you old ham.

You two are my favorites,

but especially you, Rich.

Sexy little rat.

Thank you.

Oh, you two just have to come
to my party tonight.

It's a birthday party.

I'll have drinks a-flowing
and music a-playing.

- Okay. Thank you, but we have a
thing. - And I just know you'll love

my special pie.

You know, I do have
a bit of a sweet tooth.

Okay. Rich, our rooms are
awaiting.

Okay, you come
right back here to my suite.

8:00 PM sharp.

A suite, huh?

That's sweet.

Ahh.

I can't believe you guys
are actually going to this thing.

I can't believe you're being
Captain Lame-o of the SS Suckball

- and not going.
- She offered you pie

and you immediately took it
as something dirty.

Well, you heard how she
said it. It was dirty.

All right, fine. Whatever.

I just, I'm just not
in the headspace for it, dude.

I need to go to the spa
and just try not to think about Lyle.

Lyle? Oh, you mean
the boss man.

See, I call him the boss man,

because he's the boss and a man.

Oh.

I always wondered.

Well, you guys have fun

and tell Mary Helen
sorry I'm not a-coming.

Oh, you'll be a-coming.

I'm just going to the steam
room. Maybe getting a massage.

Exactly. And we all know
how those end.

Lavender eye pillow?

We're talking full release, Joe.

Of muscle tension?

- Okay.
- Thank God. Saved by the bell.

This is my ride.
See you on the other side.

Make her wear a glove.

Sayonara, mon compadre.

Gee, my grandma wouldn't be
too proud of me,

showing up to a party
empty-handed like this.

Should we grab a six-pack of RC?

Okay, just do me a solid, okay?

Tonight, just for once,
let's dial back

the whole "gee willikers" bit,
okay?

People haven't talked like that
since the 1950s.

- Ah, shucks. Really?
- Okay, let's dial it back even further.

- Right.
- Right.

( sighs )

( exhales )

Hello.

Lyle Blazer,
nice to see you again.

Lyle, yeah. Likewise.

It's a little steamy in here.

It's making me lightheaded.

( gasping )

I think I need some fresh air.

You're supposed
to feel lightheaded, Rob.

That's how you know
you're being cleansed.

Sit down, Rob Bennett. Relax.

- Breathe with me.
- Huh?

( inhales )

( exhales )

( groans )

It's a birthday party.

Yeah, apparently
not the mom's birthday party.

- At least there's a bar.
- Ooh, bar.

- Peach fizz?
- No.

Did you know
I have a son in Peru?

- I didn't know, I didn't--
- He's not my real son, I adopted him.

Lives there with his
birth family, his name's Paco Leone.

I learned a lot in my time
in Machu Picchu.

I learned how to smell
an orchid.

- You ever smell an orchid?
- Yeah, probably.

- No.
- No?

No. You didn't.

Not truly.

Not until you've inhaled
its essence while high on ayahuasca.

( inhales )

( exhales )

But be real,
are they too harsh?

'Cause I kinda want like
a beachy vibe.

( overlapping chattering )

I was nervous about the color.

I showed her a photo.

All right, thank you.

( laughing )

So who's the birthday girl?

I am.

( clears throat )

- Happy bi--
- Stop.

Okay.

- So how old are you today?
- I'm 16.

- And how old are you?
- 34.

Ew.

Are you the guy from the show
that plays Thaddeus or something?

Oh.

"There's not a flower
in the king's garden

that doesn't bow as you pass."

Season four, episode seven?

It's one of Thaddeus's
most quoted lines.

I mean...

- Really.
- Yeah. My mom is the one who's a fan.

Oh. That's great.

I started watching season nine.

You were dead.

Well, anyway...
I really think it's perfect.

- Good choice.
- Thank you.

Richard! You made it!

Oh, look at you, all gussied up.

And you brought Thaddeus.

Thaddeus! Big fan!

Aw, you two just made
Leslie Jo's special day extra special.

You are a man who's definitely
getting some pie.

Oh, boysie.

And that's how I earned
my honorable discharge from the ROTC.

Dedicated myself to the twin
arts of Kabbalah and origami,

but before I took up the oboe.

Ayahuasca.

I need...

I need a bump!

I'm sorry?

I need a bump.

I haven't done cocaine
since the Carter administration,

but if you...

No. No, I'm talking about
renegotiating my rate for next year.

That's what all this
is about, isn't it?

I need a raise, sir.

I need a raise.

Now just a sec, I'm gonna
go change into something more comfortable.

By all means.

You wanna start with something
I baked on the upper shelf?

Or a little something
from the lower shelf?

Shit, woman.
Bring out the whole buffet.

Okay, okay, okay.
Favorite song.

Ooh, I love the new JT.

- He's like always like--
- How about the new Taylor?

Yes. Every time.
Never lets me down.

- Never. Never.
- "Your saddest fear comes creeping in,

but you never loved me or her.
Or anyone. Or anything."

- You know Taylor Swift?
- Oh yeah, she's really neat.

I mean, I'd say she's
my second favorite artist.

I did not know old people
like cool music.

What's your first favorite?

Death metal pioneers,
Cannibal Corpse.

Where's Mary Helen?

Our hostess?

Sorry, friend.
I'm afraid her dance card is full.

She has retired to her
private chambers with my friend Rich.

Where are my manners?

Chip Barfield. And you are?

Her husband.

Shit balls.

Get ready for a mouthful
of Texas heaven.

- What the--
- What the?

- What the--
- Mel.

Mel, would it kill you to knock?
Jesus!

I don't have to knock to
come into my own goddamn bedroom to find my wife!

- Wife?
- Why the hell are your damn pants down?

I-- she said she was going in
to change into something more comfortable.

I did. I put flats on.
My heels were killing me.

You entered into the bathroom
to get actual pie?

Who keeps pie in a bathroom?

Where the hell is she supposed
to find that much goddamn counter space

- in a hotel?
- Wet bar?

Oh, that is it.

You're going over the balcony,
you son of a bitch.

I interviewed
a trained assassin once.

Do you know what he told me
people ask for

before he blows their heads off?

- Their mommy?
- Respect.

- You work your ass off.
- I really do.

You come here,
you do the dance

and you need to be
respected for that.

I'm gonna give you
that respect, Rob.

Oh, God.

Yes... yes.

- But you're not getting any
more money. - Say what?

It's a trickle-down economy.
Once I make the big boys happy,

there's very little
to kick down to the C team.

Yeah, but can't you--

You mean the B team, right?

Do I, Rob? Do I?

- So we have a deal?
- Yes. Fine, whatever.

Just get me the hell
out of this room.

Come on, you gotta push.

Fine, you fuck face.

I need a fucking raise,
okay?

I need a fucking raise,

and I need to get the fuck
out of this room.

That pushy enough for you,
you maniacal twat?

No, Rob. The door.
Push the door.

What?

Oh.

Wow. Hell of a shvitz.

Hello, Maury.

( groans )

( stammers ) Mel.
It's Mel? Listen.

This is all
a misunderstanding, okay?

Man-to-man,
I misread the signs.

She invited me up there,
she offered me her pie...

And by pie you thought it
was my hoo-ha?

- I did.
- Oh, good Lord.

Get out of the 80s.

Sweetie, I wouldn't have
sexual relations with you

if my life depended on it.

- You're a character actor.
- Uh?

Plus, he has a cock like a
cat head duct taped to a baby's arm.

Kudos.

Now I'm gonna toss you
off the balcony.

No, hey. No, TO.
Mel, wait.

Wait. Mistakes were made.

Okay? But lessons were learned.

Pants were put back on,
I think the takeaway here,

if we could pause
for a second is that...

she's a dish.

She's a pot of gold, my man.

She is something else.
I mean, she's got it going on

and she reeled me in, okay?
I fell for it.

I bought it,
hook, line, and sinker

and yet, there she is with you.

And there you are with her.

And this is what I'm seeing
here, what I'm seeing here is...

Honestly?
It's beautiful.

It's really nice, it's really,
truly...

I mean there's something here
that I'm seeing, that like,

if you could stand here and see
what I'm seeing you'd go "Oh, my God,"

because it's real.

I mean, there are naysayers
out there who would tell you that love is dead.

I've heard 'em say it.

But you know what?

After tonight,
after what I'm seeing right now.

To those people I would say
"My friend you are mistaken."

I would say romance is
alive and well,

and living in Texas.

I would say "you don't
believe in true love?

Well, let me introduce you

to Mary Helen and Mel."

Right.

( sighs )

Unbelievable.

( shouting )

( splashes )

Robbie?

Richie?

How was the spa?

Oh, shitty. Party?

Shittier.

What you drinking?

- Peach fizz.
- Hm.

- Yeah.
- Is it tasty?

Not anymore.

( music playing )

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