All language subtitles for Hot.Fuzz.2007.REMASTERED.PROPER.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

Man: Police constable
Nicholas angel.

Born and schooled in London.

Graduated canterbury
university in 1993

with a double first in
politics and sociology.

Attended hendon college
of police training.

Displayed great aptitude
in field exercises.

Notably, urban pacification
and riot control.

Back off!

Academically excelled in theoretical
course work and final year examinations.

Received the Baton of honor

graduated with distinction into
the metropolitan police service.

Quickly established
an effectiveness

and popularity
within the community.

Use your brain.

Proceeded to improve skill base
with courses in advanced driving

and advanced cycling.

Became heavily involved in a number
of extra vocational activities.

To this day holds the met
record for the 100 meter dash.

In 2001 began active duty with the
renowned so19 armed response unit,

received a bravery
award for efforts

in the resolution of
operation crackdown.

In the last 12 months has received
nine special commendations.

Achieved the highest arrest record
for any officer in the met.

And sustained three injuries
in the line of duty.

Most recently in December

when wounded by a man
dressed as father Christmas.

Hello, Nicholas.

Hello, sergeant.

How's the hand?

Still a bit stiff.

It can get awfully
hairy out there.

I'm surprised you weren't snapped
up sooner for a nice desk job.

That's what I did.

I prefer to think my office
is out on the street.

Indeed, you do.

Your arrest record is 400%
higher than any other officer.

Which is why it's high time that
such skills were put to better use.

We're making you sergeant.

I see.

In sandford, Gloucestershire.

In where, sorry?

In sandford, Gloucestershire.

That's in the country.

Yes, lovely.

Isn't there a sergeant's
position here in London?

No.

Can I remain here as a PC?

No.

Do I have any choice in this?

No.

Sergeant,
I kind of like it here.

Well, you've always wanted
to transfer to the country.

In 20 years or so, yes.

Well done, you.

Hang on, I don't remember
telling you that.

Yes, you did. You said,

"I'd love to settle down in the
country sometime, Janine."

I'd like to talk
to the inspector.

You can speak to the inspector,
but I can promise you

he will tell you exactly
the same thing as I have.

Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?

It's still a bit stiff.

And how are things at home?

I'm sorry, sir?

How's Janine?

We're no longer together, sir.

Right. Then where
are you living?

He's staying at the
section house, sir.

Inspector: With the recruits?

Yes, he's living out
of cardboard boxes.

Well, then,
you're packed already.

Nicholas, we're offering
you a smashing position

with a delightful cottage,

in a lovely little place that I
think has won village of the year

I don't know how many times.

It'll be good for you.

I don't really know what to say.

Yes?

Yes, thank you.

No, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to...

You want to take this higher?

Yes, yes, I do.

You want me to bother the
chief inspector with this?

Yes.

You want me to get
the chief inspector

to come all the way down here?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Kenneth!

Hello, Nicholas. How's the hand?

Still a bit stiff.

Chief inspector...
Keep your seat.

Now, I know what
you're going to say,

but the fact is, you've been
making us all look bad.

I'm sorry, sir?

Of course we all
appreciate your efforts,

but you've been rather
letting the side down.

It's all about being
a team player, Nicholas.

You can't be the
sheriff of London.

If we let you carry on
running round town,

you'll continue to be exceptional
and we can't have that.

You'll put us all out of a job.

With respect, sir.

You can't just make
people disappear.

Yes, I can.
I'm the chief inspector.

Well, however you spin this, there's one
thing you haven't taken into account.

And that's what the "team"
is gonna make of this.

Hello? Angel: Janine, it's me.

I know. I'm at work.

I know, I'm outside.

What's the situation?

You know the situation.
We've been over this.

No, I... I meant here.

Two people involved,
distinct signs of a struggle.

Complete mess.

You are talking about here?

Nicholas, what do you want?

Well, I have something
important to tell you

and I didn't wanna
do it over the phone.

Janine, I've been transferred.

I'm moving away for a while.

I'm not Janine.

Janine, I've been transferred.

I'm moving away for a while.

I know. Bob told me.

Hello, there.

Well, I wanted to
tell you in person.

And there's no reason we can't
be civil with each other.

It's not that long ago we were
talking about getting married.

Yes, but you were already married
to the force, weren't you?

We're actually supposed to
call it "the service" now.

Official vocab guidelines state

that "force" is too aggressive.

See. It's only ever
about the job.

It's all you care about.

That's not true.

No, you're right, you do
have that rubber plant.

It's a Japanese peace Lily. Rp

you just can't switch off,
Nicholas.

And until you find a person you
care about more than your job,

you never will.

Besides, you were
the one who suggested

we take a break.

Yes, well, guilty people
often make the first move.

Actually, there's something
I need to tell you.

You're seeing someone else.

Yes. How did you...

Is it Bob? No.

Does Bob look like the kind
of person I'd go out with?

It's Dave

hello, there.

I see.

Oh, Nicholas.

You do realize that window
was broken from the inside?

Frank: Hello there, Nicholas, frank
Butterman here, your new inspector.

I'm just calling with details
of your accommodation.

We've got you a lovely little
cottage on Spencer hill.

Look forward to meeting
you anon. Cheerio.

Nicholas, frank again.

One other thing
about your cottage.

It's not reaqly.

It would appear the
heavens have opened.

I was hoping to check in.

Check in?

But you've always been here.
Vi y

excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were my husband.

You must be sergeant angel.

Yes, I am.

I'm Joyce Cooper.

I trust you had a pleasant trip.
Fascist.

I beg your pardon?

"System of government characterized
by extreme dictatorship."

Seven across.

Oh, I see. It's "fascism."

Fascism. Wonderful.

Now, we've put you
in the castle suite.

Bernard will escort you
up there.

Well, actually, I could probably
make my own way up. Hag.

I beg your pardon?

"Evil old woman considered
frightful or ugly." It's 12 down.

Oh, bless you.

Pint of lager, please, Mary.

Mary: Right you are, my love.

Yes, sir, what can I get you?

Could I have a glass of the
cranberry juice, please?

Certainly.

Now, you wouldn't, by any
chance, be the new policeman?

Police officer, yes.
I'm Nicholas angel.

I'm Roy Porter.
This is my wife Mary.

Mary.

Mary: Welcome to sandford.

If there's anything you
need, just let us know.

Thank you. Could I
borrow your newspaper?

It's not ours, love.

We're not big fans of the local
fish wrapper, are we, mare?

They listed her age as 55.

When I'm actually $3.

Fifty-three.

Pint of lager, please, Mary.

Right you are, my love.

Excuse me.

What?

When's your birthday?

Twenty-second of February.

What year? Every year.

Get out.

When's your birthday?

Eighth of may, 1969.

You're 377 yeah.

Get out.

When's your birthday?

Out.

Is there a problem, officer?

Yes, there is, Mr. Porter.

It would appear a number of
your patrons are under age.

Well, a few of them may be a
month or two south of proper.

But if they're in here, it stops
them getting into trouble out there.

Yeah, the way we see it, it's
all for the greater good.

The greater good.

Well, that's as may be, but the law's
the law and they'll have to go.

Another cranberry juice?

I'm fine, thank you.

I hope you're not
planning on driving that.

No.

Right. I'm taking you
to the station.

Where is it?

What?

Angel: Move.

"Nicholas angel.”

Oh, when did you start?

Tomorrow.

Well, I see you've already
arrested the whole village.

Not exactly.

You in for the night?
Go on, four's free.

Hey, now, I need
to speak to him.

He'll be no use
till the morning.

I see.

You really want to
process all this lot?

My pen"s running out.

Not a problem.

All: Morning, sergeant.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, sergeant.

Morning, sergeant.

Lock me up.

I'm I ss so orry'?

I'm a slasher and
I must be stopped.

You're a what?

A slasher of prices.

Just kidding. I'm Simon Skinner.

I run the local supermarché.

Drop in and see me sometime.

My discounts are criminal.

Catch me later!

Morning, sergeant.

Morning, sergeant.

Could you tell the inspector
I've arrived, please?

No.

Why?

He's not in yet.

Well, how's our guest?

Guest?

The inebriate in cell four.

I don't know.
Nobody tells me nothing.

Can I get cell
four open, please?

Danny, can you open four?

He's gone.

Why are you dressed
like a police officer?

Because I am one.

Sergeant angel, at last.
Frank Butterman.

I see you've already met my boy.

Yes.

Frank: Do forgive me. I'm
something of a wild west nut.

Speaking of which, that
was a fair few outlaws

you rounded up last night.

Thank you, sir.

I admire your enthusiasm and far be
it from me to stifle your flair,

but this isn't London.

Oh, yes, please, Danny.

With respect, sir,

geographical location
shouldn't factor

no, thanks.

Statistically, sandford is the
safest village in the country.

But that doesn't mean
it requires anything less

than a careful and
considered approach.

There's a reason we accommodate

a few of the younglings
at the pub.

The greater good?

The greater good. Precisely.

Your predecessor assumed that
rural policing was easy.

Ended up having
a nervous breakdown.

And sergeant popwell was an exceptional
officer, truly exceptional.

And he had one thing
you haven't got.

What's that, sir?

A great big bushy beard.

Come on, let's have
a mosey around.

Locker room.

Riot room.

Evidence room.

Now, how about
a trip to the andes?

Detective sergeant Wainwright

and detective constable
Cartwright.

Don't get up.

I expect you're wondering
why we call them the andes.

They're both called Andrew?

They said you were good.

Also, because talking to
them is an uphill struggle,

isn't it, dad?

Fuck off!

Thank you, Danny.

And this is where
it all happens.

That is sergeant Tony Fisher.

PC Bob Walker.

And that is Saxon.

And this is one Doris Thatcher.

She's our only policewoman.

She's not a policewoman. P

yeah, she is. I've seen her bra.

She's a police officer.

Being a woman has
nothing to do with it.

Oh, I don't know. Comes
in handy every so often.

I could've given you the tour.

I've been round
the station a few times.

And what's upstairs?

Well, well, well,
I see we have visitors.

This is Tom Weaver.

Civilian liaison with the
neighborhood watch alliance.

You'll find that we run
a very tight ship here.

From this command center I can see
what the whole village is up to.

I must say I was rather admiring
your handiwork last night.

It's a pity you didn't do the
same to those bloody hoodies.

Hanging around.
Loitering. Sitting.

Actually, I did notice some
minor graffiti on the fountain.

Graffiti? They've gotta
be dealt with, frank.

They're nippers, Tom.
They'll come round.

Which reminds me,

our friend, the living statue,
was here on Saturday.

11:00, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00.

If we don't come down hard
on these clowns,

we are gonna be up to
our balls in jugglers.

We'll get right onto it, Tom.

We like to let them think
they run the place.

Well, that's that.

Unless there's anything
you're unclear about?

Yes, sir. Why is everybody
eating chocolate cake?

The black forest
gateau is on Danny.

As punishment for his
little indiscretion.

Sir, I don't think driving
under the influence

can be called
a "little indiscretion.”

No, the gateau is for misplacing
his helmet the other week.

Last night's incident will require
something rather more serious.

Good. Do you like ice-cream?

I'm sorry, sir, I don't follow.

Let's just say that
we won't be short

of chunky monkey
for the next month.

Dad.

Now, since it's your first
day and it's 11:30,

I'd say that's lunch.

So, what made you choose
sandford then, sergeant angel?

It wasn't actually my choice.

Oh, right, right, wasn't your
choice to come down here

and tell me how to do my job.

Our jobs.

All: Yeah.

Look, I can assure you it wasn't my
intention to upset the apple cart.

Yeah, 'cause we all sell
apples round here, don't we?

Your dad sells apples, Andy.

And raspberries.

I bet you can't wait to jump
into sergeant popwell's grave.

I'm not jumping
into anyone's grave.

You got a mustache.

I know.

Why have you got
your stab vest on?

It's a requirement.

In the city maybe. Nobody's gonna
stab you in here, sergeant.

Not a member of
the public anyhow.

Have you been stabbed,
sergeant Fisher?

No.

Well, I have.

And I can assure you it is not
in the least bit amusing.

Have you seen a lot of
action, sergeant angel?

I've experienced
my fair share, yes.

Did you cook any fools?

Excuse me?

Did you shoot anybody?

He shot a crack head
with a kalashnikov.

Where did you get that?

The offender had
the kalashnikov.

Where'd he get that?

You do know there are more guns in the
country than there are in the city?

Everybody and their mums
is packing round here.

Like who?

Farmers.

Who else?

Farmers's mums.

What's it like being stabbed?

It was the single most painful
experience of my life.

What was the second
most painful?

You ever fired two guns whilst
jumping through the air?

No.

You ever fired one gun whilst
jumping through the air?

No.

Ever been in
a high speed pursuit?

Yes, I have.

You ever fired a gun whilst
in a high speed pursuit?

No.

Amanda on walkie-talkie: Annette, that
sergeant angel's coming into your shop.

Get a look at his arse.

What about lethal weapon?

No.

You've seen die hard, though?

No.

Bad boys 11? No.

You ain't seen bad boys 11?

Hell of a day, huh? Yeah.

Same again tomorrow? Yeah.

Amanda paver, headmistress
of sandford primary.

How do you do, sergeant?

Simon Skinner,
I believe you've met.

Oh, we're already firm friends.

Oh, please, please,
come with me, will you?

This is Leslie tiller,

whose horticultural expertise has
helped put sandford on the map.

She's ever so good.

Oh, go on.

This is James reaper,
who owns brannigan farm.

I hear you're
quite the marksman.

Perhaps you might like to
join us for a shoot one day.

Well, I haven't held a firearm

for over two years, Mr. reaper.

I'd quite like to
keep it that way.

You will be popular
with the local birds.

Birds.

Nicholas, hello.
Reverend shooter.

I want to ask you, would you
read a homily at Sunday service?

That might be a little
hypocritical of me, reverend.

Oh, you're an atheist?

No, I'm... I'm...

I'm open to the concept
of religion,

I'm just not entirely
convinced by it.

You're an agnostic?

I think I have a cream for that.

Robin hatcher,
our resident sawbones.

Hopefully we won't see too much of
each other over the coming months.

Well, all that remains
is to welcome you

to the weekly meeting of the
neighborhood watch alliance.

Now, quick announcement
before we begin.

Janet barker has just
given birth to twins.

So, congratulations to her.

Tom? Thanks, Joyce.

Now.

I am sure that all of you
will have noticed

the return of a blight
to our streets.

It's made all the
more disturbing

as the village of the year
contest looms.

I refer, of course, to the extremely
irritating living statue.

Angel: Police work is as
much about preventing crime

as it is about fighting crime.

Most importantly, it is about
procedural correctness

in the execution of
unquestionable moral authority.

Any questions?

Yes.

Is it true that there is
a place in a man's head

that if you shoot it,
it will blow up?

Hi, hi, Tim messenger.

Can I get a quick shot
for the sandford citizen?

Okay.

How about you put the
teacher in handcuffs?

I don't think that gives
off the right signals.

Too cheesy-pie. Okay. Gotcha.

Give the little
blonde kid your hat.

I'd rather not.

Wave your hitting stick about.

No.

Righty-ho-ho.

Oh, can I have your
autograph, please?

For the breakfast.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, that weren't me.

Morning, angle.

Good morning, angle.

Both: Morning, angle.

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staker: Morning.
The swan's escaped.

The swan's escaped? Yeah.

Right. And where has the swan
escaped from exactly?

The castle. Oh, yeah?
And who might you be?

Mr. staker. Yeah,
Mr. Peter LAN staker.

P. I. Staker. Right.
Piss taker. Come on!

Yes, Mr. staker. We'll
do everything we can.

Can you describe it to me?

It's about two foot tall.

Long slender neck.

Yeah.

Kind of orange and black bill.

Anything else?

Well, it's a swan.

That's just gonna scare it.

No luck catching
them swans then?

It's just the one
swan, actually.

Want anything from the shop?

You've just been to the shop.

I was thinking of
a different shop.

Constable Butterman, this is not
the time for personal errands.

Well, there's nothing
going on, is there?

There is always
something going on.

You have to look closer,
all right?

What about this guy?

Mr. treacher? Yeah.

Why has he got that big coat on?

He can't be cold.
Why the extra layer?

Maybe he's trying
to hide something.

Mr. treacher?

Okay. What about this guy?

Ask yourself, why has he got
his hat pulled down like that?

He's fuck ugly.

Or he doesn't want you
to see his face.

Because he's fuck ugly.

Okay, what's his story?

Oh, that's lurch. Go on.

He's a trolley boy at
the local supermarket.

Good.

Real name, Michael Armstrong.

Dad says he's got
a child's mind.

Okay.

And lives up summer street
with his mum and his sister.

And are they as big as he is?

Who?

The mum and the sister.

Same person.

What shop were you thinking of?

Tina on pa: Sergeant angel
to the manager's office.

Manager's office.
Sergeant angel.

Sergeant angel. Or is it angle?

Mr. Skinner, a baby's
sicked up in aisle six.

Please excuse me. Michael!

Yarp.

Child vomit. Aisle six.
Mop it up.

Yarp.

Mr. Skinner, is there a problem?

No, no, no, no.

I simply wanted to say
how lovely it is

to see you supporting
your local store.

Well, that's quite all right.

All too many have defected to the
big megamart in buford Abbey.

May their heads be struck from their
shoulders for such disloyalty.

Yes, well, I am on duty,
so if you'll excuse me.

Of course. I simply spied you
loitering in organic produce

and assumed you had
time on your hands.

Well, maybe I'm not the one you
should be keeping an eye on.

That's the fridge magnate.
His name's George merchant.

Made a fortune in kitchen goods.

Built that monstrosity
on Norris Avenue.

Actually, I wasn't
talking about him.

I was talking about him.

Ah.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

"Meet the cop that
can't be stopped.”

Man: Tosser!

Trouble in the high street.

Sergeant angel's having
a spot of bother.

Roger that.

Man: Morning, sergeant.

You mothers.

Let's cut through here.
Head him off.

Through the gardens?

What's the matter, Danny?

You never taken
a shortcut before.

Hey, give me that!

"You do not have
to say anything,

"however it may
harm your defense

"if you fail to mention
when questioned

"something you later
rely on in court,

"anything you do say
can be given in evidence."

Hi, Danny. All right, Pete?

Do you know this man?

Yeah, he's auntie Jackie's
sister's brother's boy.

And it didn't occur to you
to mention this before?

Couldn't see his face, could 1?

I'm not made of eyes.

Impressive collar.

Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't
want to press charges.

What do you mean, he doesn't
wanna press charges?

I'm simply suggesting that,
you know,

Peter be given a second chance

before he becomes just
another crime statistic.

I'm sure he's going to learn
a valuable lesson.

Stealing biscuits is wrong?

Correct.

Thanks.

And yet we respond by not taking
a single punitive measure?

Well, that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

Like the biscuits, isn't it?

Mr. Skinner...

Is everything all right?

Well, sir,

Mr. Skinner feels it would be better
not to prosecute an individual

that has committed
a blatant offense.

Leave this with me.

I'll make sure everyone
gets their just deserts.

Man: Oh, no!

Twenty-seven.

Have you ever seen point break?

No.

Amazing bit in point break
where they jump over fences.

Is there now? Twenty-nine.

Patrick Swayze's
just robbed this bank

and Keanu Reeves is chasing him

through people's gardens, and he
goes to shoot Swayze but he can't,

'cause he loves him so much,

and he's firing his gun up
in the air, he's like...

Forty.

Have you ever fired your gun
up in the air and gone...

No, I have not ever fired my
gun up in the air and gone...

Thirty.

Sorry, I... I just...

I just feel like I'm
missing out sometimes.

I wanna do what you do.

You do, do what I do.

What on earth do you think
you're missing out on?

Gun fights. Car chases.
Proper action and shit.

Police work is not about
proper action or shit.

Twenty-nine.

If you had paid attention
to me in school,

you'd understand that it's not all
about gun fights and car chases.

Fire up the roof.

That was brilliant.

Was I going a tad fast, officer?

Yes, you were, Mr. blower.

Well, now, you see,
we are staging a homage

to William Shakespeare's
Romeo and Juliet

and I'm a little late
for the dress rehearsal.

I'm playing the eponymous
hero, you see.

Romeo not Juliet.

What are you writing?

Everything you're saying.

I might need to
refer to it later.

Now, officer, I am a respected
solicitor so there's no need fo...

Just stop writing, will you?

Look, I'm merely
trying to explain

why I might have exceeded
the speed limit.

You're playing the male lead in a
homage to William Shakespeare's

Romeo and Juliet and you're
late for the dress rehearsal.

You think this is sufficient reason
to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?

Well, I... to flout speed limits

specifically put in
place to save lives.

Just, look,
this is preposterous.

"Preposterous.”

Look, just stop writing!

"Stop writi p writing.”

Look, you're right, I apologize.

See what I did there?

You hypnotized him.

No, I used this.

This is the most important piece
of equipment you will ever own.

This notebook has saved my skin

more times than I
care to mention.

You should think about
using yours more often.

I do use mine.

Show me.

That's just extraordinary.

You should see the one
on the other side.

What are you up to tonight?

I have to water my peace Lily.

Thought you might
wanna do something.

What exactly were you thinking?

Don't know. Pub?

I don't think that's
a good idea. Do you?

Oil you two.

A Mr. blower left you tickets
for Romeo and Juliet tonight.

Said it was by way
of an apology.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, we can't accept gifts from
somebody we've officially rebuked.

So...

Yeah.

Nicholas. Glad I caught you.

Wondered if you wouldn't mind
representing us at the am drams tonight.

Yes, sir, of course.

And there's a spare
for Danny, too.

Yeah! Hey,
come on, it might be fun.

A dateless bargain
to engrossing death.

Here's to my love.

Now.

Poison? I'll kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison
doth yet hang on them.

Bang! Lc

Sergeant angel, hi-hi.

Quick word for the
sandford citizen.

It was very enjoyable.

"Cop enjoys watching
young lovers"?

I don't think so.

"Local Bobby gives thumbs
up to teen suicide"?

That's just grossly
inappropriate.

You will try and spell his name correctly
this time, won't you, Timothy?

Absolute tosh, wasn't it?

And annoyingly, the understudies

are actually
professional actors.

Greg over there was
an extra in straw dogs

and sheree portrayed
a cadaver in prime suspect.

Sergeant angel, you came?

So thrilled you accepted
my invitation.

Well, our inspector
requested we attend. So...

Yeah, we can't accept gifts from
someone we've officially rebuked so...

Jog on.

Congratulations to you
and to Mrs. blower.

Oh, this is not my wife.

This is miss draper.
My leading lady.

Eve works in the local
council, sergeant.

Quite the lady in the know.

I am not.

Nonsense.

I'm sure if we bashed
your head in,

all sorts of secrets
would come tumbling out.

Romeo, Romeo, a pint
of bitter for Romeo?

Thank you very much for coming, George.
Excuse us.

A pleasure, my liege.

Eve's nice, ain't she?

She certainly has
a distinctive laugh.

She was in my year at school.

Always had a thing for her.

She clearly has
a thing for older men.

What, with Martin blower?
No way!

We just sat through three hours
of so-called acting, constable,

their kiss was the only
convincing moment in it.

Hey, now you come to mention it,

I too have reason to believe
she favors the older gent.

Really? How so?

Marcus Carter's big brother said

he'd fingered her
up the duck pond.

Oh, officers.

Again let me extend my Sincere
apologies for earlier.

That's quite all right,
Mr. blower. Drive safe.

"Drive safe." Oh, my god.

You know that's the bloke
we done for speeding earlier.

Yeah. Hopefully, that's the
last we'll see of him.

Who is it?

We haven't got long.

To us.

Who is it?

Yeah?

Decaffeinated? Decaffeinated?

Little Brian Libby found them,
out on his paper round.

Oh, he'll be having
nightmares for a while.

Must have hit the sign
at some speed.

Took the whole top off.

I've had my top off
in this lay-by.

Tits.

Most likely lost control, left the
road there and then ended up here.

So, what do we reckon?

Sergeant angel?

Well, we should get
a proper cordon off,

screen the remains
from public view.

Close down the road until
the ambulance crew arrives,

whereupon we should open a single
Lane of traffic and ease congestion.

Very good.

What he said.

What happened, Danny?

Car accident.

Nasty way to go.

Constable, official
vocab guidelines state

we no longer refer to these
incidents as "accidents,"

they're now “collisions.”

Right.

"For never was there
a story of more woe.

"Than this of Juliet
and her Romeo.”

Excuse me?

Martin and Eve. Such a tragedy.

Mr. Skinner,
do you mind telling me

how you know the identity
of the persons involved?

You know how it is.
News travels fast.

A love struck Romeo
sings a streetsus serenade

what happened, Danny?

Traffic collision.

Hey, why can't we say
"accident" again?

Because "accident" implies
there's nobody to blame.

Put a sock in it, town mouse.

Yeah, you wanna be
a big cop in a small town,

fuck off up the model village.

I'm just saying, things aren't
always as simple as they look.

Most times they are.

Let's just wait till doctor hatcher
comes back with something,

before you go jumping
the kalashnikov.

All right, in the meantime, why don't you
check out a few of Martin blower's clients?

Martin blower represents damn
near most of the village.

Did you want us to go through
the whole phone book?

Yeah, or put a call into Aaron a.
Aaronson, shall we?

Please, don't be childish.

At least consider
interviewing the widow.

Martin blower was clearly having
an affair with Eve draper.

Oh, and how did you
establish that?

'Cause we sat through three hours
of so-called acting last night,

and the kiss was the only
convincing moment in it.

All right, pipe down, big one.

Here, what else you got,
Crockett and tubby?

Skid marks.

Now who's being childish?

There were no skid marks
at the scene.

Doesn't it seem a little strange

that Martin blower would
lose control of his car

and not think to
apply the brakes?

If there were no
skid marks it follows

that for 300 yards
both driver and passenger

did nothing to
prevent their fate.

You don't have to be a
detective to work that out!

Yeah.

Are you causing trouble?

Yes, they are.

Well, a spot of bother
up at ellroy farm.

Old Arthur webley's been clipping
hedgerows that don't belong to him.

Th n yi qq ~, 1! Y-
that's it. Es, sir?

Yes, sir.

Why do we need the dog?

It's not the dog we need.

Right.

What did he say?

What did he say? He said,
"an 'edge is an 'edge.

"He only chopped it down
'cause it spoilt his view.

"What's reaper moaning about?"

Right.

Look, I appreciate your
position, Mr. webley,

but you can't go around chopping
down other people's hedges

without permission.

"Yes, I suppose.”

Thank you.

All right.

Mr. webley, I trust you have
a license for that firearm?

He does for this one.

What do you mean by "this one"?

By the power of gray skull.

Where on earth
did you get these?

Found them. He found them!

And what is this?

Sea mine.

Sea mine.

Well, Mr. webley, this is an
extremely dangerous collection.

It's a wonder nobody's
been hurt before.

No, it's just a lot of junk.

Angel: Move, move, move!

Turner: You what?

No, apparently its
been deactivated. Over.

That's right, deactivated!

It's not live. It looks live.

All right.

That was quite an impressive
haul today, constable Butterman.

Well, you know, I mean, maybe we
should do something to celebrate.

Unless you gotta water
your peace Lily.

What exactly did
you have in mind?

I don't know. Pub?

Mary: Right you are, my love.

Yes, sirs, what can I get you?

Pint of lager, please, Roy.

And what can I get you that
isn't a cranberry juice?

I don't really wanna get drunk.

You can get a little drunk.

Okay, I'll have one.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Mr. Porter, what's
your wine selection?

Oh, we got red or white.

I'll have a pint
of lager, please.

Yeah, Roy.

Any news from earlier?

Yeah. CSI found nothing.

Doctor hatcher reported
no misadventure

and Mrs. blower has four alibis.

Now, come on, sergeant,

it's not your job to investigate
this incident, is it?

Ils it?

Both: No, it isn't.

You don't switch off, do you?

You sound like my ex.

Well, you are always
thinking away.

It's what I do.

Don't get me wrong.
I think it's amazing.

Really?

I mean, what made you
wanna be a policeman?

Officer.

What made you wanna be
a policeman-officer?

I don't remember a time when I
didn't wanna be a police officer.

Apart from the summer of 1979 when
I wanted to be Kermit the frog.

He was a sergeant in the met.

He bought me a police pedal
car when I was five.

I rode round in it
every second I was awake.

Arresting kids twice my size
for littering and spitting.

I got beaten up a lot when I was
young but it didn't stop me.

I wanted to be like uncle Derek.

He sounds like a good bloke.

Actually, he was arrested for
selling drugs to students.

What a cunt.

Probably bought the pedal
car with the proceeds.

Needless to say I never
went near it again.

I just let it rust.

But I never forgot the clear
sense of right and wrong

that I felt at the wheel
of that pedal car.

I had to prove to myself
that the law could be proper

and righteous and for
the good of humankind.

It was from that moment, I was
destined to be a police officer.

Shame.

How so?

I think you would've
made a great muppet.

What about you? What made you
wanna become a police officer?

I don't know. Dad does it.

I think after my mum died,
it's what he wanted, you know,

keep me close by.

Do you mind if I ask
how she died?

Traffic collision.

I'm I s orry

never mind. Hey, watch this.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my eye!

Ta-da!

Hey, come on, silly bollocks,
get them in.

177.

Mr. Skinner.

You know George merchant,
don't you?

Evening, officer.

Yes, we were just
discussing the accident.

I'd come to know Martin
and Eve very well of late.

Such a loss.

What say we drink
to their demise?

Shouldn't that be
"drink to their memories"?

Of course. Cheers.

I must go to the
little boys' room.

George: I'm all right!

“Little” being
the operative word.

Oh, he'll be in bits tomorrow.

I think somebody
needs to go home.

I'm... I'm not that drunk, sir.

Not you. Him.

What?

Hey, we did get a little drunk.
Did you get it?

'Cause he's... he's
little and he's drunk.

Oh, good grief.

It's hardly in keeping with the
village's rustic aesthetic, is it?

How much do I owe you?

Twenty quid.

There you go.

And there's your change.

God bless you.

Bye-bye.

I'm all right.

Oh, dear.

I would not wanna be
him in the morning.

Well, this is me.

Well, I shall see you
in the morning.

Unless you wanna come in
for a cup of coffee?

I don't drink coffee.

Tea?

No caffeine after midday.

How about another beer?

Oh, dear.

When did you move in?

About five years ago.

You should get
some house plants.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I've been tending my peace
Lily for about three years now.

It oxygenates the room, helps
you think, relieves stress.

Its needs are simple.

Janine used to say I love my
Lily more than I loved her.

Is that why you split up?

What?

'Cause you did it with a plant?

No, no, no.

It was more about me being
obsessed with the job.

That's good though, right?

Is it though?

I did miss a few dinners.

You know, parties,
a birthday or two.

Listen, mate, I...

Her dad's funeral.

I just wanna be good
at what I do.

You are good at what you do.

You've just gotta learn to switch
off that big old melon of yours.

That's the whole problem, Danny.

I don't think I know how.

I can show you how.

By the power of gray skull.

Point break or bad boys 1?

Which one do you
think I'll prefer?

No, I mean which one
do you wanna watch first?

You are pulling my leg?

What did you think of that?

Well, I won't argue that
it was a no holds barred,

adrenalin fuelled thrill ride but
there's no way you could perpetrate

that amount of carnage
and mayhem

and not incur a considerable
amount of paperwork.

That is nothing, man.

This is about to go off.

This shit just got real.

Hatcher: Nasty way to go.

I think our Mr. merchant tried to have
a little fry up and left the gas on.

Spends his whole life
devoted to the refrigerator

then gets killed by an oven.

I told him several times, you
shouldn't eat late at night.

Oh, I don't know. I quite like
a little midnight gobble.

Cocks.

So, what do we reckon? Angel?

Help me.

Okay, we get a proper cordon up,

we let the fire crews
finish their stuff,

and then we get forensics in to
do a thorough sweep of the house.

Very good. What he said.

Sergeant angel, hi-hi.
A quick word?

Mr. messenger, a statement
will be issued shortly.

Actually, I just wanted to ask,

"what's your perfect Sunday?”

I'll deal with the
press, sergeant.

Now, my perfect Sunday
is a lovely long lie in...

Fire to destroy all you've done

man on radio: Like in the films.

Something like,
something out of backdraft.

What are you thinking?
Foul play?

Angel: Maybe.

We're just hoping to talk to the last
people to see Mr. merchant alive.

Namely a sergeant
knickerless asswipe

and a constable Fanny batterbum.

That's us.

Why is this such
a big joke to you?

Three people have
died in a week.

Oh, come on, doctor Sherlock,
they were accidents.

People have accidents every day.

The victims knew each other.

Everyone knows everyone
round here.

Yeah. If you didn't see anything
suspicious, then who did?

It's a bit of a blind spot,
I'm afraid.

We just catch the very edge
of the explosion.

Nasty way to go.

There was something took my eye.

Really? What's that?

Sandford's most wanted.

There you go. It was
the swan all along.

This is not funny, detective!

Oh, give over, miss marples.

Yeah, you do your job
and we'll do ours, eh?

Yeah. Haven't you got a
church fete to look after?

No, I have not!

Actually.

Reverend shooter:
Testing. Testing.

Someone's in for a surprise at
3:00, ladies and gentlemen.

It's the raffle with a very
special guest presenter.

Out in the country

far from all the sorts
of noise of the city

there's a village green

it's been a long time
since I last set eyes

on the church with a steeple

that's me after
a couple of pints.

Skinner: Splat the rat.

Splat the rat.

Splat the rat.

Shark!

Seen any murderings, nicholarse?

Come on, boys. Leave sergeant
angel alone, he's working.

Sorry, chief, won't waste
any more police time.

Have a nice time.

Actually, Nicholas, you
might as well take a break.

Hey, great. I've got
something to show you.

This is a rifle range.

You'll be really good at it.

Feeling lucky, sergeant?

Three cans wins you
the squeaky bunny,

five cans gets you
the floppy lion.

Take out all the little people,

you get to waltz off
with the cuddly monkey.

I thought I made it clear to
you how I feel about firearms.

It's only an air rifle.

Sergeant.

Dear lord!

That was amazing.

Thank you, Danny.

I can't believe I shot someone.

He's a doctor,
he can deal with it.

I never shot anyone before.

Danny, believe me, it's not
something you ever get used to.

Yeah. Maybe we should
go on the bouncy castle.

Take our minds off of it.

Sergeant angel, hi-hi.
Mr. messenger.

I need to talk to you about
George merchant. Alone.

Churchyard. 3:00.

What do you think he wants?

Reverend shooter: Would sergeant
angel come to the stage, please?

Here to announce the winners is the newest
addition to the sandford police force.

Service.

Sergeant Nicholas angel.

Wanker.

Hello. Hello.

The first name is Simon Skinner:

He's in the loo.

Too much of Joyce's
lemonade, perhaps.

And the next name is...

Tim messenger.

Tim, your number's up.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hi-=-hi.

Oh, no!

Stand back, stand back!

There's been
a terrible accident.

Accident?

Just an accident.

It's all right, it's all right.
There's nothing to see.

Come on, everybody. It's all right.
It's just an accident.

Frank: Nicholas, what is it?

Sir, I think all these
deaths are linked.

I think Tim messenger
was murdered.

Who could do
something like this?

Maybe it was the swan.

Apparently, they can
break a man's arm.

Or blow up a man's house.

Listen, you pair of...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Nicholas.

Now, let me get this straight.

Are you saying that
this is a erime scene?

Yes, sir, I am.

Very well.

Detectives.

Start interviewing everyone
who was at the fete.

Oh, he's got shorts on.

Sergeant Fisher? What?

Secure the area. What?

PC Thatcher? Yes, love?

Get the CSI down here.

PC Walker?

Patrol the churchyard
with Saxon.

Nicholas, Danny,
you know what to do.

Do you really think
this is murder?

I just don't think we should
rule it out, that's all.

Yeah. I think you're right.

I think you're talking
a load of old shit.

He thinks you're
talking a load of shit.

Swings and roundabouts,
isn't it?

Cartwright: Pain in the arse.

Did you find anything? Yeah.

I was extremely shocked
when I looked at my watch

and discovered that
I should be in the pub.

Did you go to his house?
Did you read his articles?

If you wanna Wade
through every copy

of the sandford bloody
citizen, be our guest.

It's your job, isn't it? Detect!

This ain't the city, Mr. angel.

Not everyone's
a murdering psychopath.

It's high time
you realized that.

You and your monkey.

Did he mean me or that?

Oh, maybe we should go home.

What do you mean?

Well, there's nothing
going on, is there?

Have you listened to
anything that I've said?

What do you mean?

Is anything I've told you
in the last two weeks

sunk into that thick
skull of yours?

Yeah.

Has it? Like what?

You said I could be an
amazing policeman-officer.

There's always something
going on, Danny.

And you won't be an amazing police
officer until you understand that.

Well, I remembered something
else you said and all.

Oh, did you now? Yeah.

You don't know
how to switch off!

Cartwright: Well, if you wanna
Wade through every copy

of the sandford bloody
citizen, be our guest.

Morning, constable.

All right?

Thanks for the monkey.

Yours, isn't it?

I won it for you.

Danny, I think
I'm on to something.

Are you? Yes.

And I think with
a little deliberation

we can figure out
what links these deaths.

We?

Come on, partner.
Let's go to work.

Oh, oh, sergeant angel?

Someone from London
called for you.

Tell them I'll call them back.

Tim messenger. Go.

Editor and journalist
at the sandford citizen.

Fondness for puns. Go on.

Terrible speller. Oh, yeah?

Nevertheless had uncovered
important information about...

George merchant.
Self-made millionaire.

Fancied himself as
a property developer.

Said he had big plans
for sandford.

Pissed on the floor
in the crown.

But more importantly, was a
good friend and client of...

Martin blower.
Respected solicitor.

Affirmatron.

Leading light of the
local drama society.

Bad actor. Undoubtedly.

Bad driver. Not necessarily.

Cheated on his missus.
Most certainly.

And we both know who with.
Eve draper.

True.

Favored older men. Fingered.

Worked at? Council.

More specifically?

Department of planning
and development.

Where George merchant
secured permission

to build his dubious mansion
on Norris Avenue.

So...

Maybe they were all accidents.

People have accidents every day.

What are you two up to?

Nothing.

Well, look sharp.

There's been reports of
a fire in the station.

What?

All: Happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

Danny, why didn't you
say something?

We were working, weren't we?

Hey, where are you going?

Personal errand.

Hello, miss tiller.

I was wondering, do you have
any Japanese peace lilies?

Of course.

I was just about to
pop off, actually.

I can never find my scissors.

Is this for someone special?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Are you going somewhere,
miss tiller?

Yes. I'm moving away.

And why the move, if you
don't mind me asking?

Well, just between you and I...

Yes?

You know that fella who blew up?

George merchant.

Well, George merchant, god rest
him, wanted to buy this land,

so he sends round his legal fella,
Martin blower, god rest him,

and I thought I might
take them up on it.

I haven't really got that
much family round here,

save for cousin sissy.

So I thought I might take them up on
the offer and move to buford Abbey.

Would you like a card with this?

No, sorry, you were talking
about the offer?

Well, it turns out that
Martin blower, god rest him,

knew where the new
bypass road is going

because he was knocking off Eve draper
from the council, god rest her,

and then that reporter, god rest
him, finds out about the route

and tells me this
land's very valuable.

Ten times what George
merchant and Martin blower,

god rest them, offered me.

So, with them having passed on,

I decided to sell it on myself

to some folks from the city
that Martin, George and Eve,

god rest the lot of them,
had been talking to.

Apparently, they want to build a
big shopping center or something.

Of course, cousin sissy won't
be too happy about that,

but as far as I'm concerned,
cousin sissy can go and fuck...

Would you just excuse me,
for just one second?

Stop!

In the name of the law!

Fisher: Hang about, hang about.

You're saying this
wasn't an accident?

Leslie tiller was
fucking murdered!

What, just like Tim messenger?
Yes

and George merchant? Yes!

Cartwright: And Eve draper? Yes

and Martin blower? No, actually.

Really? 'Course he fucking was!

Thank you, Danny.

Oh, murder, murder, murder.

Change the fucking record.

Thank you, Andy.

Come on, sergeant,
you've gotta accept

it was just another
nasty accident,

what are you suggesting?

That Leslie tiller tripped
and fell on her own shears?

Ben Fletcher fell on his
pitchfork the other week.

Yeah, accidents
happen all the time.

What makes you think
it was murder?

Because I was there!

Cartwright: There's a point.

Why were you there?

I was buying constable Butterman

a Japanese peace Lily
for his birthday.

What absolute horseshit.

I chased a suspect
from the scene.

Innocent people don't run!

Here, maybe it was our old
friend, the cactus thief.

Oh, yeah, he was a prickly
customer, weren't he?

Am I going completely mad?

Maybe you are.

Maybe you did it.

Yeah, seeing as how you're
such a big fan of murder.

What the... sergeant angel?

Yes! Sir.

Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas.

What am I going to do with you?

Sir, you have to understand...

No, you have to understand.

The boys here aren't used to the
concepts you're bandying about.

The "m" word, Nicholas.

There hasn't been a recorded
murder in sandford for 20 years.

But, sir, I'm certain.

And what's more,
I know who did it.

Can I see the manager, please?

Mr. Skinner to the
manager's office.

Manager's office. Mr. Skinner.

Sergeant angel.

And to what do I owe
this pleasure?

Simon Skinner, I'm
arresting you on suspicion

of the murder of Leslie tiller.

Leslie tiller's dead? How?

She tripped and fell
on her own shears.

Owl

I'm also arresting you on suspicion of
the murder of Tim messenger on may 1st,

of George merchant on April 29th

and of Eve draper and Martin
blower on April 28th.

Why on earth would
I do that, sergeant?

I'm glad you asked.

My suspicions were first
aroused when you appeared

at the scene of the blower-draper
death, on the outskirts of sandford,

despite the fact you live and work
in the center of the village.

I couldn't help but
recall your comments

at the theater on
the previous evening.

When you not only indicated an
awareness of the couple's affair

but also inferred that Eve's
connections at the council

might make her privy
to important information.

You even spoke of
"bashing her head in."

Perhaps hoping you might discover the
route of the proposed sandford bypass.

You were already suspicious that
George merchant was buying up

a large area of land on
the outskirts of sandford,

after an article Tim messenger
wrote in the sandford citizen.

You see, the land
merchant was buying

had little value
in of itself but,

if it became accessible by road,

it would be a prime
location for say,

a retail park.

Consumed with concern
for your business

and potential disloyalty
from fickle customers,

you yourself expressed
a wish to behead.

Em atn om eran ses mene te ee et
rt a esr etre rh a rf tl st sees I

staging the murders
as accidents.

You used a vehicle removal truck

to stage the blower-draper death

and incinerated an old man
in his own house.

Covering your tracks with the judicial
application of bacon and beans.

However, there was a loose end.

Tim messenger.

Splattered before he
could share with me

what he told Leslie tiller
that very afternoon.

The true value of her land.

Upon discovering she was about
to sell up to the developers,

you brutally murdered her
with her own shears.

And made good your escape utilizing
your impressive skills as a fun runner.

Very entertaining.
But I rather think

you've been watching
too many films.

He hasn't.

Why would I kill Leslie?

You clearly aren't aware
that we're related.

Oh, but I am, "cousin sissy."

I'm afraid my nickname of sissy

is only a revelation
to yourself.

My teenage years studying
ballet are well known.

Yeah, sissy Skinner.

Se I a fe srr rant tees srr at
eee sal eee ss esse le ee re ae

thank you, Andrews.

Now, despite my comments
about "beheading" customers,

I personally relish the
competition of another store.

Anything to energize
my workforce.

And anyway, what makes you think

I could dislodge
part of the church roof?

Or for that matter,
stage a car crash?

It's a well known fact that the church
roof is in dire need of repair.

And isn't it true that two
of your own employees

operate the vehicle removal
service for the council?

Sergeant,
this is the 21st century.

Many people hold down
several jobs.

I myself host a life drawing
class at the village hall.

Tina here is a table dancer
at flappers.

Nevertheless, you
could have utilized

the vehicle removal truck
for your own ends.

These accusations are quite
meaningless, sergeant,

unless you can back them up
with hard evidence.

Well, you've got me there.

I'd need something conclusive.

Something that placed you
at the scene of the crime.

Perhaps a wound you sustained

on a piece of broken glass
this very evening.

This very evening.

Sergeant, this is beginning
to get embarrassing.

How could I possibly be
in several places at once?

I'm sure the store's security
footage will absolve me.

Do feel free to spool through.

I can handle this, Danny.

You might as well go back and just
enjoy the rest of your birthday.

Did you really
get me that plant?

Yes, I did.

But it's been impounded
as evidence.

Well, I mean, maybe dad will
still let me water it, eh?

Yeah.

Sergeant, I wanted you
to know that

if I do indeed now own
the land belonging to...

Belonging to Leslie,
that I intend to turn it

into a memorial garden,
in her honor.

Mr. Skinner, what you do with your
land is of no concern of mine,

so jog on.

Michael, will you
escort the sergeant

off the premises when
he's quite finished?

Yarp.

I just can't believe
Leslie's dead.

How did it happen?

She tripped and fell
on her own shears.

Hey, that weren't me.

Hey, look.

Look, Mr. treacher's got
his big coat on again.

You want anything from the shop?

Cornetto.

No luck catching
them killers, then?

It's just the one killer,
actually.

No luck catching
them killers, then?

It's just the one killer,
actually.

No luck catching
them killers, then?

It's just the one killer,
actually.

No luck catching
them killers, then?

It's just the one killer,
actually.

What's the matter?
You got brain-freeze?

No, I got brainwave.

Get us back to the station, now!

It's more than one person.
Come again?

It's more than one killer.

It was Skinner a minute ago.

Yeah, well, maybe it still is.

You know, maybe he's... maybe he's
not alone. Maybe there are others.

Nicholas, you're
an exceptional officer.

But I've seen this before.

Sergeant popwell.

It was exactly the same thing.

You've come from a city where
there's danger round every corner,

and it's driven you
round the bend.

Yes, sir.

Do yourself a favor.
Sleep on it.

And if you still feel
the same in the morning,

I give you my word,
I'll get right on to it.

Hey. Hey, what's happening?
What's going on?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm just gonna go
back to the hotel.

I mean, do you want a lift?

No, no, I could do with a walk.

Hey, big one, playtime's over.

Skinner on walkie-talkie:
Michael?

Michael? Are you there?

Michael? Is everything okay?

Yarp.

Sergeant angel's
been taken care of?

Yarp.

He's not gonna
get back up again?

Narp!

Good. Proceed to the castle.

Frank, this shit just got real.

Skinner just sent
someone to kill me,

and, now, now he's
gone somewhere,

up to the...
To the castle, I think.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go after him.

Okay? It's Nicholas, by the way.

Oh, my god.

What happened to
your peace Lily?

Danny. Danny,
just stay here, okay?

And watch him,
and call your dad.

Tell him I was right.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna bust
this thing wide open.

Nicholas, wait.

You might need this.

Thanks, partner.

Skinner: How could I possibly
be in several places at once?

How could I possibly be
in several places at once?

How could I possibly be
in several places at once?

Joyce: I just can't believe Leslie's dead.
How did it happen?

Weaver: You'll find that we
run a very tight ship here.

Reverend shooter: Who could
do something like this?

Hatcher: Seems like Mr. merchant
tried to have a little fry up

and left the gas on.

Nasty way to go.

Amanda: What happened, Danny?

Annette: No luck catching
them killers, then?

No luck catching
them killers, then?

No luck catching them...

Now, quick announcement
before we begin.

Janet barker has decided to
call her boys Roger and Martin.

And the christening will be a week
on Saturday and we're all invited.

Tom.

Thanks, Joyce.

Now, you'll all be
delighted to hear

that the tenacious sergeant
angel has been taken care of.

Joyce will discover
the sergeant lying

on the wet floor
of his bathroom,

having slipped and
tragically broken his neck.

So, with the dispatch
of the sergeant,

we will now be
able to concentrate

on the eradication of
our hoodie infestation.

Quite right.

After which, nothing
will stand in our way.

Oh, I beg to differ, Mr. Weaver.

Well, well, well,
I see we have visitors.

Sergeant Nicholas angel.
Sandford police service.

My, he is tenacious, isn't he?

I'm arresting you
under suspicion

of conspiracy to commit murder.

Oh, come, come, sergeant.

You should be ashamed.

Calling yourself
a community that cares.

Oh, but we do care, Nicholas.

It's all about the greater good.

All: The greater good.

How can this be
for the greater good?

All: The greater good.

You see, as much as I enjoyed
your wild theories, sergeant,

the truth is far less complex.

Blower's fate was
simply the result

of his being an appalling actor.

All: Quite appalling.

You murdered him for that?

Well, he murdered
bill Shakespeare.

What?

The dramatic society is an
important feather in our cap.

Hatcher: Couldn't let
blower jeopardize that.

Not when we had two semi-professionals
waiting in the wings.

Let's not forget that Greg
was an extra in straw dogs.

And sheree played a cadaver
in prime suspect.

Yes, I know!

Martin was less concerned with
the reputation of the village

than he was with his sordid
affair with Eve draper.

And so Eve deserved to die too?

Well, she did have
a very annoying laugh.

All: Annoying.

And, and George merchant?

He had an awful house.

All: Awful.

We begged him in vain
to make his residence

more in keeping with the
village's rustic aesthetic.

And what about Tim messenger?
What was his crime?

Tim messenger's tenure as editor of the
sandford citizen has been unbearable.

Our once great paper had become
riddled with tabloid journalism.

Not to mention
persistent errors.

He listed her age as 55.

When, actually, I'm 83.

Fifty-three.

What, what about Leslie tiller?
One of your own?

Her horticultural expertise
helped put sandford on the map.

Oh, she was ever so good.

Cousin Leslie was
a terrible shame.

But it seemed she was
set on moving away.

We couldn't have her sharing her
green fingers with anybody else.

Not least those heathens
at buford Abbey.

If we can't have her,
no one can.

How can this be
for the greater good?

All: The greater good. Shut it!

These people died for no reason.

No reason whatsoever!

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Hello, Nicholas.

I was like you once.

I believed in the immutable
word of the law.

That is until the night Mrs.
Butterman was taken from me.

You see, no one loved
sandford more than her.

She was head of
the women's institute,

chair of the floral committee.

When they started the village
of the year contest,

she worked round the clock.

I've never seen such dedication.

On the Eve of
the adjudicator's arrival,

some travelers moved
into Callahan park.

Before you could say,
"gypsy scum,”

we were knee-deep in dog muck,

thieving kids
and crusty jugglers.

All: Crusty jugglers.

We lost the title
and Irene lost her mind.

She drove her Datsun cherry
into sandford gorge.

From that moment on, I swore
that I would do her proud.

And whatever the cost, we would
make sandford great again.

Sir, this doesn't
make any sense.

The adjudicators
arrive tomorrow.

We had to get everything ready.

Are you saying this is all about
winning the best village award?

This is the best village,
Nicholas.

You've seen the people. Peop

they're happy, contented.

They're living in a dream world.

Sergeant popwell thought
much the same as you.

I'm disappointed you can't
see the bigger picture.

Well, I'm happy to
disappoint you, sir.

And I'm afraid you're gonna
have to come with me.

You are all gonna
have to come with me.

No, Nicholas,
I'm afraid it is you

who is going to have
to come with us.

Danny, no.

Back off! Back off!

Or I swear to god, you'll be
explaining how Danny tripped over

and accidentally
cut off his own head.

Come on, Nicholas. You
haven't got it in you.

I mean it!

Shit!

Frank: Gypsy scum. Travelers.

Thieving kids. Dog muck.

All: Crusty jugglers.

Crusty jugglers.
Crusty jugglers.

Crusty jugglers.

Frank: There hasn't been a recorded
murder in sandford for 20 years.

There's a reason we accommodate

a few of the younglings
at the pub.

Spot of bother up
at ellroy farm.

I'll make sure everyone
gets their just deserts.

Weaver: If we don't come down
hard on these clowns...

Frank: We'll get round to it.

Danny!

Ta-=da.

What are you doing?

Saving your skin.

This is murder!

It's not, it's ketchup.

I'm not talking about that,
I'm talking about the others.

What others?

The others the nwa
have murdered.

That's not true. It is!

Dad just said it was
his special club, he...

I thought it was about rapping
people on the knuckles

and sending them on their way.

There are skeletons back there!

I don't know nothing
about no skelingtons.

What did you think
was happening?

Not this!

It's f erank

he's appointed himself
judge, jury and executioner.

He's not judge Judy
and executioner.

He is!

You've gotta help me
take him down.

I can't.

He's my dad. Take my car.

Go back to London.
There's nothing you can do.

I can come back.

I can come back, and I
can bring the blue fury

of the metropolitan
police service with me.

They'll make it disappear.
Who are they gonna believe?

My dad, or a loony
London police officer.

But it won't be
just me, will it?

We can do it together.
You and me. Partners.

Forget it, Nicholas.
It's sandford.

Is that everything? Sir?

Is there anything
I can do for you?

No.

This is something
I have to do myself.

Another beautiful day
in god's country.

Danny?

It's...

Mum!

What you gonna do?

Just walk in and arrest
the whole village?

Not exactly.

Oh, sergeant angel?

Someone from London
called for you.

I'll tell them
you'll ring them back.

Well, that's funny.

Man: What's that?

I didn't know we had
a mounted division.

Nobody tells me nothing.

Wanna do something useful?

Amanda: Annette, that sergeant
angel's back. Check out his horse.

Annette: Roger that!

It's...

Angel.

Morning.

That's what I'm talking about.

Still feel like you're
missing out?

Fascist!

Hag!

Stop! Stop this, please!

Let us stop this
mindless violence.

Nicholas, my son.

You may not be a man of god, but
surely you're a man of peace.

I may not be a man
of god, reverend,

but I know right,
and I know wrong,

and I have the good grace
to know which is which.

Oh, fuck off, grasshopper.

No!

Jesus Christ!

Nicholas! Nicholas!

I thought you was a goner.

Drop your weapons!

Dr. hatcher, no!

Shut up, Danny.

I brought you into this world,
I think it's rather fitting

I should be the one
to take you out of it.

You and your interfering
little friend.

Now...

Drop them.

You're a doctor, deal with it.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Danny, let's roll.

What you thinking?

Pub?

Roy!

Somebody call the police!

Freeze!

Officers, arrest that man.

Danny, step away
from the sergeant.

No, dad.

Danny, you'll do as you're told.

I'm not taking orders
from you anymore.

Officers, arrest these men!

Wait, wait!

You can arrest us if you like.

You can throw us in
prison and go back

to being blind,
submissive slaves.

Or you can be real
police officers,

and help us bring an end
to this absurd story.

What the fuck is he on about?

Fuck are you on about?

Have you ever wondered why the
crime rate in sandford is so low?

And yet the accident rate,
it's so high?

No. Yeah. What?

You've been brainwashed, Tony.

Brainwashed into naivety by an old
man with a murderous obsession.

This is ridiculous.

No, it's not, dad.
It's very unridiculous.

And it's only now that I'm starting to
realize how unridiculous it all is.

Silence, Danny!

Think of your mother.

Mum is dead, dad.

For the first time in my
life, you know, I'm glad.

If she could see
what you've become,

I think she'd probably
kill herself all over again.

Sorry, I am completely lost.

Sandford is a lie, Doris.

For the last 20 years, the village has
been controlled by frank and the nwa.

They've lulled everyone into
thinking this is a perfect village

and killed anyone who's
threatened to change that.

I reckon he's got
something there.

He says, "he reckons
you got something there."

I know.

You're not seriously gonna
believe this man, are you?

Are you? He isn't even
from round here.

Maybe it's time
to give it up, sir.

You incompetent flatfoots!

Officer Walker, stay here with
Saxon and hold everything down.

Fair enough.

Officers, let's go.

What about dad?

He'll come round again.

Want anything from the shop?

What you thinking? Well...

We should strike now, while we've
got the element of surprise.

Longer we wait, more time
they've got to mobilize.

I say we go in through
the front entrance,

take the place aisle by aisle.

They won't be expecting that.

Very good. What he said.

My, my. Here come the fuzz.

Maybe they're not here.

Wait here.

Don't go in on your own,

don't worry,
he knows what he's doing.

Okay. They're in.

You deal with the store. I'll
deal with the trolley boy.

No, listen. Wait,

wait, listen to me.
Listen, listen.

Is this what you really,
really want?

Yarp.

Suit yourself.

Fisher: Go, go, go.

Oh, come on.

Andy!

It's all right, Andy.
It's just bolognese!

How's lurch?
He's in the freezer.

Did you say, "cool off"?

No, I didn't say
anything, actually.

Shame.

There was a bit earlier on
that you missed

when I distracted him
with the cuddly monkey.

And then I said,
"playtime's over,"

and I hit him
with the peace Lily.

You're off the fucking chain!

What's the situation?

Two blokes and
a fuckload of cutlery.

What do you reckon?

Idea.

Good work, everyone.

Nice one, Doris.

Nothing like
a bit of girl on girl.

Fruit attack!

Can you handle this,
sergeant Fisher?

We're gonna go after
the big boss.

We're on it, sergeant.

Danny, let's rock. Angel!

Don't go being a twat now.

I wouldn't give you
the satisfaction.

We should get down there.

How?

Head them off?

I'll drive.

Shotgun! Punch that shit!

Bang! Bang!

Swan!

Swan!

Stay back!
Or the ginger nut gets it!

You little fucker!

Get out of my village!

It's not your village anymore.

You did good, kid. Ta.

What's your name?
Aaron a. Aaronson.

Sorry?

Angel!

It's over, Danny.

It's over.

This really hurts.

I'm going to need
some ice-cream.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

There's plenty of ice-cream
at the station.

Isn't that right, Danny?

Stay back!

Pack it in, frank,
you silly bastard!

Now, now.

We don't want
any more bloodshed.

Frank, this whole thing started
because you lost somebody you loved.

Don't expect me to believe
you'd let it end the same way.

I'll tell you how
this is gonna end!

I feel like I should
say something smart.

You don't have to
say anything at all.

Satisfactory conclusion
to the whole operation.

Now, my perfect Sunday
would begin with...

Chief inspector:
What do you say, Nicholas?

We... we... we have been
trying to reach you for days.

Yeah, well,
I've been kind of busy.

Sergeant: We need you back.

The figures have gone a little
squiffy in your absence,

it has to be said.

Come back to London.

Sandford"s hardly
a fitting place

for such an exceptional officer.

Yeah, well, the thing is, sir.

I kind of like it here.

Besides, we have to do a
considerable amount of paperwork.

Fuck's sake, Nick,
this is gonna take ages.

Yeah, it's gonna take all night.

Fisher: Well, good job we've
got the manpower, Andy?

Well, official vocab
guidelines state

that we say “staffing,”
not "man power, "w

'cause "man power's”
a bit sexist.

You don't mind a bit of
manpower do you, Doris?

Oh, dirty bastard!

Andy!

You cheeky fucker!

You know what you are?

A bloody busybody!

No!

Oh, god, no!

Angel: Danny!

Danny!

Oh, god.

Hold on, Danny, just hold on.

Hold on, it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine.

Just hang on, hang on!

Everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Hope these are okay.

Yeah. They're lovely.

Doris: Any officers
near the church?

Go ahead, Doris.

Chief, we've had a report
of some hippy types

messing with the recycling
bins at the supermarket.

Leave it with us. Righto.

Sergeant Butterman, little hand
says it's time to rock and roll.

Bring the noise.