All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 01x03 - Off Sides.DVDRip.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

Welcome to the Taylor home.
We're about ready to start

that second half of this fantastic game,
Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings.

Before we go down to the field,
let's check out that snack situation.

Mark, take it away.

Pretzels, licorice, pork rinds.

Yeah. That's three major
food groups right there -

salt, sugar, lard.

Um, all right.
Today, I got cold brewskis for me,

ice-cold root brewskis
for my boys...

- Dad? Here are the chips.
- You got it, buddy.

- Go long.
- Nice pass, kid.

All right.

- Dad?
- What?

You're turning all red.

There's a warning label right there.

You shouldn't open these in broad daylight
in Detroit. Could cause an explosion.

Wow. Look at this warning label.

Socks may strike husband unexpectedly.

You could put an eye out like that.

Boys, help me clean this mess up. Second
half's about ready to begin here. Hurry up.

Now, listen. Don't get too involved in that,
Tim. We have to get ready to go soon.

Go? Where are we going?

Dinner. Tonight. Chez Pierre.

- That can't be tonight.
- It most certainly is.

Well, what about the big game?

What have you been watching
all this time?

This is the little game
right before the big game.

The big game's the Rams and the Lions.
Why didn't you remind me about dinner?

Now, don't pull that. I asked you yesterday
if you had reconfirmed the reservations,

and you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said,
"Were they for 7:00?"

And you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said,
"Did you get the baby-sitter?"

And you said, "Uh-huh." So I guess that
means you didn't get the baby-sitter, huh?

Uh-uh.

Unbelievable.

I completely forgot.

We can't get a baby-sitter
at this late hour.

This is a tremendous disappointment
to me.

Yeah, I'll bet it is. This was
supposed to be our romantic night out.

Hey. Romance? I got it.

Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the
lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine?

And we can watch the game up there!

You're not getting out of this
with anything short of pneumonia.

Boy, it's funny you mentioned that.

This morning I horked up
something nasty-looking.

It shot right out of my lungs.

Well, suck it back in.
We're going to dinner.

Whoa!

You don't whistle at guys, you doofus.

You can when they look
as handsome as your daddy.

Looking pretty good yourself, sweetheart.

- Put a lid on it.
- Who'd you get to baby-sit for us? Linda?

No. She finds you boys
a little... active.

Good. She smells.

- Did you get Alison?
- No, honey, she's busy.

But she sends her love.

Stop that. Sit, sit.

Then who'd you get?

Well, I found someone new.

Go! Go! Go!

- Tim...
- Go get the door!

Please turn off the television.

- Mrs. Taylor?
- Yes.

Sir Larry Houdini,
world's second greatest escape artist,

and magician extraordinaire.

Hey, you're great. I saw you
at Chris Johnson's birthday party.

- Oh, lovely little girl.
- Chris is a boy.

Strange little boy.

But tell me, where are the birthday
balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride?

Well, um, actually,
no one here's having a birthday.

Well, you told me on the phone
it was a birthday.

I know. I lied. I'm so sorry. I was desperate.
My husband didn't get a baby-sitter,

and I called everybody I knew,
and everybody was busy.

Couldn't you just please stay?

Never. Never!

Sir Larry has performed
prestidigitation

before prime ministers, heads of state,
two kings, and a cranky duke,

and never once has he stooped
to baby-sitting to make ends meet.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday... your names here

♪ Happy birthday to you

Thank you so much.
You don't know what this means to me.

Well, boys,
the performance is about to start,

so would you please help Sir Larry in
with his magical trunk?

- Uh, Jill, hold on. What's going on here?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Sir Larry, this is my husband, Tim.
Tim, this is Sir Larry, the baby-sitter.

- How you doing?
- And magician extraordinaire.

Yeah, I bet you are, Larry.
Uh, Jill?

You got a magician
to baby-sit my boys?

Perfect. Perfect.

Sir Larry? The number where we are
at the restaurant is right here.

Call us if you have any problems.

- Whoa!
- What happened, Brad? What happened?

The Lions just recovered a fumble.

- Yes!
- OK. Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, Sir Larry.

- Let's go, Tim.
- We should stay and watch a trick.

It's not gonna work, Tim.
Let's go.

Oh, my wallet.
Left it over there by the TV.

- I've got credit cards.
- Do you?

- Oh, my medicine's up by the TV upstairs.
- You don't take medicine.

Oh!

I should take some.
I'm feeling a horker coming on.

This is so romantic.

And you have to admit,
it's a beautiful place.

A beautiful place
for a beautiful woman.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

I really, really do appreciate this. I know
it was hard for you to leave that game.

Game? What game?

Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me where the ladies' room is?

Down the hall, to the left.

- I'll be right back.
- And I'll be right here, Jill. Right here.

I'll be right here.

Could you give me a hand
with this thing?

Is that a radio?

- Yeah.
- You got the game on?

Got the game on.

Take that. I wanna get that second quarter
before she gets back from the bathroom.

- Oh, man. This is absolutely brilliant.
- Thanks, buddy.

- So what's happening?
- Hold on a minute.

- Here we go. Yes!
- What? What? What?

I don't know. Some kind of interception.
They're inside the six. First and goal.

All right! What's the score?

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Rodney's in motion.

Rodney Peete's back. He's back.

Jill's back. Hi, Jill.

Did you miss me?

Sure I missed you.

- Are you OK?
- Oh, yeah.

You ever twist your neck real fast,
get one of those cricks?

- Well, I got that.
- Do you want me to rub it?

- Your neck?
- My neck?

No. If I put my hand like this...
Ooh, it feels much better now.

OK.

Ooh, look at this.
Endive souffle prepared with mushrooms.

Yes!

Mushroom, mm.

Tim, you don't like mushrooms.

At home, no. But here, you know...
They're in oils and stuff here. Yeah.

Oh, look, look.
They have your favorite... trout almondine.

All right!

What happened?

I'm having the trout!

Tim, would you like to tell me what's going
on? Why you're, uh, sitting like that?

- My neck.
- Well, perhaps I should look at it.

No. No. From the naked eye,
it would look like any other neck.

And cricks are generally inside necks.

- Gimme your hand.
- Hey, look at that.

- Gimme your other hand.
- I don't want to.

Oh, Tim, give me the radio.

I wasn't gonna listen
to the whole thing.

- Would it help if I said I was sorry?
- It might.

- I'm sorry.
- It didn't. Is this the volume?

That's it, boys, nice and tight.
Sir Larry loves a challenge.

- This is too cool.
- Oh, thank you, my lad.

Do we get to stick swords
in the box?

Sword in the box - fantastic illusion.
Sets the mind reeling and the pulse racing.

I don't do it.

- Why not?
- Too easy.

Now then, my lad,
will you kindly assist me into the trunk?

Thank you.
Now, you will close the trunk and lock it.

When I give the command,
you will set the timer at ten seconds.

And when the timer goes off...

I shall appear at the front door.

I don't know -
ten seconds isn't very long.

To you. But to Sir Larry,
ten seconds is an eternity.

Now, boys, prepare to be astonished.

Close the lid!

Is the top securely locked?

- Yes, it is.
- Then set the timer and stand back.

Sir Larry?

Boys!

Reset the timer.

You know what you are, Tim.
You are a sports addict.

I am not. I like sports, I have a very
healthy interest, but I am not an addict.

- Is that the Lions game on in there?
- Yes. That's why service is a little slow.

The staff have a television
in the kitchen.

Hey.

- Did you get a score?
- What's the score?

I'm not sure. I know the Lions
intercepted a pass on the Rams' 20.

- Yes!
- I bet it was Spielman.

Oh, Chris Spielman, awesome player.
Last week, see him against Minnesota?

See him? Man, I was there.

I can't take it. I can't take it.
I've got to see this game.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'll be back.

Whoo, that guy's got a problem.

That guy is addicted to sports.

He is out of control.

- And you're not?
- No. No, no.

We're here to talk about
whatever you wanna talk about.

Well, that's good,
'cause I wanna talk about us.

Oh.

You know how
we're always talking about

how we need to find more things
that we can do together for fun?

- Yeah.
- We always talk about it,

- but we never do anything about it?
- Let's do something about it.

Next weekend -
monster truck rally and tractor pull.

Well, gee,
as much fun as that sounds,

I was really thinking
more along the lines of...

ballroom dancing.

Yeah.

- Boy, that was my second choice.
- No, no, really.

I'm serious. I think it would really be fun
to take dancing lessons.

Me? The King? Remember college?

Yeah.

Tim, disco didn't die.
You killed it.

No, I'm talking about grown-up dancing.
Fred and Ginger.

I thought Fred married Wilma.

You know what I mean. You know, holding
each other close, swaying to the music,

gliding across the floor.

Gliding in public's not me.

We can take private lessons,
just you and me.

Unbelievable!

- Uh-oh.
- Come here. You gotta see this.

Sanders just broke one for 50 yards
around the right side.

They tackled him on the one.

We're gonna score!
It's a first down!

Happy anniversary, baby.

Honey...

would you like to go
and watch the game?

No. No. We were talking about...

- Ballroom dancing.
- Ballroom dancing. That's...

So anyway,
the lessons are on Tuesday nights.

- Uh-huh.
- And it doesn't really cost very much.

Oh.

And, uh, I've been having an affair
with a space alien.

Uh-huh.

Yep, I'm, uh...
I'm having his baby.

Uh-huh.

Touchdown!

Honey... go.

- I'm fine. I don't have to see the game.
- No, trust me. It's OK.

I really want you to go.

Thank you.

Hello? Hi, Mommy.
Guess what happened to Sir Larry.

Mark!

- Don't tell her, stupid.
- Why? We didn't do anything.

The guy's locked in a box.
Who do you think she's gonna blame?

Hi, Mom. Yeah, we're fine.

Oh, yeah, he's excellent.
A lotta fun.

Yeah. Good tricks, too.

Um... now?

Well, um,
he can't talk right now.

Um... he just can't.

- She wants to talk to Mark.
- That's because she knows you'll squeal.

I won't squeal, I promise.

Hello, Mommy.

Brad and Randy
locked Sir Larry in the trunk.

- Boys!
- It's OK, Sir Larry.

If we get the trunk high enough
and drop it, it'll break open.

Please, let's not be hasty, boys.

- Mom and Dad are home.
- We're dead. Hide!

- Boys'?
- Randy'? Mark'? Brad'?

Out here!

Mark, where is Mr. Houdini?

- Oh.
- In there.

- Are you all right, Mr. Houdini?
- I'm fine.

The x-rays may reveal otherwise,
however.

- Mark, where are your brothers?
- I don't know, Dad.

In the bushes.

Here, honey. Come here.

Brad, Randy, come on out.
Come on. Come on, right now.

I don't know
what gets into you guys sometimes.

What'd you stuff that old man
in that trunk for?

He told us to.

Now, why would he want
to be put in a trunk?

But he did tell us to.

- Yeah, he did. It's the truth.
- He's not...

The boys are speaking the truth.
They are completely innocent.

We'll talk about this in the morning.
It's bedtime now.

- Come on, I wanna see if he gets out.
- No, no, no. I'll be up later. Go on.

Honey, we're in some kinda trouble.

These are reinforced
polycarbonate American butt hinges.

Sir Larry, is there anything that
we can do? Someone we can call?

Yes. You can call my son,
Cyril the Magnificent.

He has an extra set of keys,
and he's at 555-7653.

All right. I'll call right away.

Hang in there, Sir Larry.
And just take real short little breaths.

Wilson?

- Howdy, neighbor.
- What are you doing over there?

Oh, just mending
the bellows on my accordion.

- Cool.
- What's in the trunk?

- A famous magician.
- Oh. Is he coming out of the box?

As soon as his son comes over
and unlocks it.

Not much of a trick, Tim.

- You got a minute?
- Sure, good buddy. You got a problem?

Well, it's Jill.

I love her.
She's the most important thing in my life.

What did you do this time, Tim?

We went out tonight to have a night just by
ourselves - real romantic, that kinda stuff -

and I spoiled it because
of a football game.

We won.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

I don't know what it is about
football and me. I'm obsessed, I think.

Well, why do you think that is, Tim?

I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson.

I love the surprise
and the strategy and the strength.

The big guys, the logos,
the colorful helmets.

The shine and the pads
and the mouth guards.

The cleats and the hit and the impact.
The swearing, the sweat...

Sets me free, Wilson.

Well, what you're describing, Tim,
is what Aristotle would call a "catharsis."

Catharsis, oh.
How do you spell that? C...

Well, let's just say
an emotional release, Tim.

Bingo. That's... that's what I feel,
and I don't think she understands that.

She doesn't have to, Tim.

I'm sure there are things about her
that you don't understand.

Well, you got that right. You know, that
woman has never had a haircut she liked.

Well, there you go.

And I go into her closet, I see 19 pairs
of black shoes. What's that all about?

Well, Tim, different outfits
require different shoes.

You got your pumps, your flats,
your espadrilles, your open-toes,

your T-straps, your patent leather...
I could go on and on.

I get the feeling you could.

The point is, you and Jill don't have to
understand each other completely.

What is important is to share and enjoy
the things you both do understand.

That's exactly
what she was talking about, too.

Sharing - she wanted to share.
But ballroom dancing?

Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim?

As the ancient Celtic saying goes: Never
give a sword to a man who can't dance.

Huh?

- Sir Larry?
- Still in here.

Yes, um, Cyril is on his way over
with the keys.

Oh, thank you, kind madam.

- Hi.
- Hi.

About tonight, Jill.
I know I was stupid.

I know I spoiled things.
I wanna apologize.

And I won't watch
all-day football anymore.

What about Thanksgiving
and New Year's?

Uh...

Half-day.

Or I'll cut out the pre-game show,
or something.

I'll just try not to be
so stupid about it.

- You'd do that for me?
- In a second.

Well, we can always try
and do it again.

Go out some evening,
have some romance.

Well... we're here.

We're alone.

Moon's full. That's pretty romantic.
What more do you need?

- Hey!
- No.

♪ I'll be loving you

♪ Always

♪ With a love that's true

♪ Always

♪ When the things you planned

♪ Need a helping hand

♪ I will understand

♪ Always, always

♪ Fate may not be fair

♪ Always

Once you've cut the opening, you're
ready to lay the sink in there. Right? AI?

Uh, that's right, Tim.

You know, home improvement's
not just about renovating the kitchen.

There's a lot of other ways
to improve your home.

Always be aware
of your partner's needs.

Take time out to share some special time
with your spouse.

- Right, Al?
- I'm not married, Tim.

If you change those shirts
and get a haircut, or something.

- I got a haircut.
- Get a better one, AI.

- OK.
- All right. We drop it on "three," yeah?

- On "three."
- One.

Two.

Al?