All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S07E04.1080p.WEB.H264-METCON+AMRAP+ION10.HI.C

Jake, will you join me
in Terry's office?

Oh, private rendezvous, huh?

This whole trying to make a baby thing

has got you super freak... hey, Terry!

What's up, dude?

What did you think was happening?

He clearly thought you were
gonna have secret sex in here.

[scoffs] What? Inappropes, much?

I did not think that. Amy did.

She texted me about it. See? Proof.

- Anyway, what's up, Lieutenant?
- Santiago and I

are going to an administration workshop

- for the NYPD.
- And it's voluntary,

so only the cool kids
are going to be there.

I love you so much. Continue.

Anyways, you're in charge for the day.

Oh, boy. Here comes the lecture.

"Be responsible, Jake. Don't
do anything crazy or fun."

There's no lecture. I trust you.

Well, but there always
used to be a lecture.

Yeah, well, you're not the same

immature, rebellious kid you used to be.

Didn't you and Amy just buy

a family-friendly midsize sedan?

In a rebellious color...
champagne... which is an alcohol.

And let's not forget,
I wanted to have sex

in your office just now.

Yeah, to have a baby
and become a father!

Yeah, he turned it around on me.

It's not bad that I trust you more now.

Plus, there's not even that much

for you guys to do today.

I mean, the squad is on
reserve parade duty.

- Your job is to sit around.
- Good point.

Besides, what's the worst thing

a responsible guy like me could do?

Buckle your butts, everyone!

The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com

Squad, today we write a new chapter

in the history of the Nine-Nine.

And that chapter begins
with the word "Jimmy,"

and ends with the word "Jab."

That chapter's only two words long.

No, there's a lot of words in between.

It's a long chapter. The point is,

today we compete against one another

in a series of games,

and this year's winner

receives one day's paid vacation,

courtesy of Officer Mark.

You said you needed that day
for a private matter.

You know what?
You shouldn't even be here.

Everyone say, "Thank you, Officer Mark.

- Bye, Officer Mark."
- ALL: Thank you, Officer Mark.

Bye, Officer Mark.

- Now, who's ready to compete?
- Count me in.

I could really use this day off
to spend some time with my husband.

Oh, please. We all have loved ones.

You're not getting any sympathy
just because you're gay.

Rosa, I don't think he was...

No, I was. She saw right through me.

Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

Copy that. I love your intensity.

Now, Gina is gone,
so we're out of a host.

Me! Please, me.

It's my time to shine.

It's my "Greatest Showman" moment.

Charles, you can't.

You know who else they told "You can't"?

Lettie Lutz, the bearded lady.

But then, Mr. Barnum gave her a stage.

Give me my stage, Jacob.

Wait, so you're the bearded lady?

No! I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron,

and everyone else is one of my freaks.

Look, I would love
to give you the hosting duties

so you can work through
whatever weird fantasy this is,

but we need at least six players

and the host can't play.

Then I'll find someone to replace me.

I promise you will have
your circus, Mr. Barnum.

- I thought you were Barnum.
- No!

I'm the greatest showman!

Isn't that Barnum?

Debbie, ah, just who I was looking for.

Oh, no. Am I in your seat?
I'll sit on the floor.

Wh-what? No. No, don't do that.

No, I was just wondering

if you would like to take my place

in a little squad competition today.

Mm. I can't do competitions.
I'm anti-dexterous.

- Hmm?
- It's when neither hand

- is good at anything.
- Oh, Debbie.

I was once like you.

A bashful beat cop with long, curly hair

and no confidence at all.

That's impossible. You're so suave.

Sure, now I am.

But I came a long way,

and I did it by challenging myself

to do things I never thought I could.

This is your chance
to find that confidence.

- I don't know.
- Debbie...

trust me.

Okay.

But only because I trust everyone.

So, Diaz, I've never been more excited.

My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs,

and I'm destined to win.

Look at my competition.

Little Miss Hay For Brains.

The Hay Brains,

and King Brain Made of Hay.

Well, you're forgetting about me.

- I'm also your competition.
- Yes,

but you don't normally
care about games like these.

Well, I do care about this game.

And you're gonna lose because
my brains aren't made of hay.

My brains are made of brains.

Oh, ho.

The perfect retort.

Gather up, it's Jimmy Jab time!

Ooh, are you doing opening ceremonies?

Yeah, and you might wanna leave

before things get too crazy.

A little plausible deniability.

Actually, I wanna record 'em.

May you can teach other precincts

how to throw their own versions
to boost morale.

No, I'm not a teacher.

I'm a class clown/bad boy
with a heart of gold. Whatever.

Charles, just start.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The moment you've been waiting for.

Wow, he went full "Showman."

I present to you six freaks,

who, through a series
of elaborate games,

will be eliminated one by one

until a champion is crowned.

And that champion shall...

inherit my circus.

- And get a day off.
- I was getting there, Ro-Ro.

- Let me have my fun.
- Yeah, Ro-Ro,

let him have his fun.

As always, we start the games

by lighting the ceremonial
bagel of destiny.

Ah, it's actually
the baguette of destiny

because this year, we're
throwing caution to the wind.

Charles, flame me.

♪ Jimmy Jabs Jimmy Jabs ♪

♪ Jimmy Jabs ♪

And with that, we commence...

my ten minute opening performance.

- What?
- ♪ The crowd is ready ♪

♪ The freaks are here ♪

Wow, this is a really long performance.

Charles pulled off a costume change.

I wouldn't say he pulled it off.

He accidentally got bottomless
in front of all of us.

- Yeah.
- Peralta,

how about we make these games
a little more exciting

- with a wager?
- Ooh, interesting.

- What'd you have in mind?
- If you win,

I'll do your paperwork for a year.

- Go on.
- If I win, I get your new car.

[scoffs] You're joking, right?

Why? Because you can't imagine

someone bitchin' like me
driving a lame family sedan?

No, because Jake
would never bet our car.

Yeah, I would never do that.

But also, it's not lame.

It's the color of an alcohol.
Everyone's talking about it.

No, Jake, it's a super lame car.

But I don't mind.

My ex-step-son
kicked me out of the house,

and I need a place to crash
with air conditioning.

Look, the bet is not happening.

Sorry, Amy, but this is
between Jake and me.

Dude, what happened to the cool guy

that liked to make bets
with his best bud?

Okay, Hitchcock, drop it.

Jake doesn't do
that kind of thing anymore.

- He's an adult now.
- Hitchcock, you're on!

- He is?
- I am?

I don't know. Yes! Yes, you are.

Damn it, my pants.

Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.

Oh, damn.

Wow, who knew?

He really is the greatest showman.

What the hell are you doing?

Why did you just bet our new car?

Because it's fun.

And because it's who I am.

I mean, remember all those crazy bets

we used to make when you were
falling in love with me?

I remember the bets we made
when I found you obnoxious

and difficult to be around.

Yes, those bets. See, you remember.

- This is just like that.
- Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.

Actually, I'm not leaving.

I'm gonna stay for the games.

Ohh, look who's coming around already.

- We're gonna have fun.
- No, this isn't fun.

A voluntary
administration workshop is fun.

Yeah, I hear it ends with
a six page self-assessment.

Oh, come on, Terry!

You don't have to rub it in!

Welcome to the first competition.

Which one of you will meet your maker?

Be sure not to foul out,

or you will meet your end.

We don't know what the game is,

so these puns don't work.

It's a meat throwing challenge.

All of the expired cold cuts
from the kitchen refrigerator

are under this tarp.

Voila!

You will toss a meat of your choosing

at the break room window
from ten feet away.

If it sticks to the glass,
well, then you move on.

- If it doesn't, then you're a...
- Cold cut?

Yes, now you're getting it.
Thank you, Rosa.

♪ ♪

- Yah!
- Jake sticks it.

Amy sticks it.

Scully sticks it.

Hitchcock sticks it.

Holt old school sticks it.

Ro-Ro sticks it.

Debbie... where's Debbie?

I can't do this, Charles.
I didn't even grab a meat.

I'm not some expert
cold cut thrower like you.

Everyone, I need a second
for a freak in trouble.

Debbie, I once stood here
in front of this squad

- and felt like I didn't belong.
- But...

But nothing. This is your chance

to do something great.

Debbie, this is your moment.

Take it, and stick this meat.

- Is this turkey?
- Yes.

I'm very allergic to turkey.

[shouting]

- Hold her down!
- Ahh!

[screams]

So Debbie's out.

But she'll be fine, thanks to her purse

full of EpiPens.

And now, that brings us
to the end of round one,

which mean it is time for another song.

♪ It was the meet of the moment ♪

♪ Meat, meat, meat of the moment ♪

- Yeah, we'll be back in five.
- ♪ Throw, throw, throw it ♪

♪ At the window, window, window ♪

So I bet you're wondering
how I did so well

- in that last competition.
- Actually, I was impressed

you didn't eat any of the meat.

Well, I don't deserve all the credit.

Scully, show 'em
what we're working with.

This is Dorothy, my pill box.

- Good God.
- My friend here

has dozens of medications prescribed

for all of his ailments.

They make him normal.

They make me limitless.

This blood thinner
can suppress appetite.

This eczema pill can cause
extreme muscle spasms.

Which is pretty inconvenient,

unless you need to hurl meat
across the room.

My God. He's doping.

Welcome to the big leagues.

Well, looks like things

just got a little more interesting.

No, they got worse.

Amy, it's like Torrance
from "Bring It On" says,

"You'll never be the best
until you win against the best.

Didn't they lose in the end?

Yeah, but this is different.

Hitchcock isn't nearly as good

as the East Compton Clovers.

[laughs] It's like,
where's your head at?

It's gonna be fine.
It might not be fine.

Diaz, congratulations on moving on

to the second round,
said I, sarcastically.

Oh, you're still in this.

I knew a uniformed officer
had been eliminated,

I just couldn't remember which one.

Okay, we're both great
at insults. Let's move on.

Tell me, why do you wanna
win this game so badly?

Honestly... I guess I still feel like

my parents don't accept my sexuality.

And winning this
will let me prove to myself

that as long as I feel good
about who I am,

that's all that matters.

That's a load of dung.

You processed that parent stuff
a year ago.

You're right, we're going
to drag brunch this Sunday.

No. There's something private
that is fueling you.

And when I find that private fuel,

I will extract it
to use as my private fuel

in my private fuel tank.

Then I will have a full tank
of private fuel,

and you will have an empty tank
of private...

Rosa.

Welcome to K-9 Hide-and-Seek.

You'll be given five minutes to hide,

during which time Officer Frisbee

will be learning your scent.

Whoever he finds first is out.

- How'd you get our clothes?
- Doesn't matter.

Now, hide, freaks!

Hide from the society that shunned you!

- _
- ♪
♪

What? Why aren't you hiding?
Are you quitting?

Oh, no, quite the opposite.

This little guy keeps
Scully's liver from imploding,

but it has a neat side effect.

It also masks your natural odor

and makes you smell like a dead fish.

- Ew.
- Who's got two stinky thumbs

that stink like rotten salmon?

This stinky guy.

You suck.

Ready or not, here comes my hellhound!

♪ ♪

I'm a mop.

[barking]

Shh.

The flattop has left the big top.

Uh, wait, where's Jake?

Well, there's a TV cart

suspiciously in the middle of the room,

that ceiling tile's out of place,

and he said he was going
to hide somewhere reckless,

so I'm guessing he's up there.

That's right, Amy. I'm in the ceiling.

Unlike you boring, old fogies,

I found the craziest... [grunts]

[all gasp]

[groans]

Don't worry.

My bones and ribs broke my fall.

Time for our next competition,

So if you're not staying here,
The Hellevator.

You see, normally, our elevator
can hold up to 12 freaks.

But what if it's filled with boxes,

and those freaks are wearing bomb suits?

Well then, its capacity drops to four.

Oh, but Mr. Barnum,
there are five freaks here.

Whatever shall we do?

That's the twist.

You have to fight for your spot.

And once those elevator doors close,

one of you will be out.

Oh, did I mention, you have
to do it all in bomb suits?

Yes, that was one of
the first things you mentioned.

Oh, sorry.
I was thinking of my next song.

Anyway, suit up, freaks!

[sighing, straining]

- You're pretty hurt, huh?
- Yeah.

It's very exciting.

I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit.

I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms,

but Seabiscuit won
without even having arms.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know. I fell.

We're already married.
It doesn't matter.

Well, you guys are in for a beating.

What, is that some kind of kidney pill?

It's to reduce my various swellings.

Basically, it's just speed.

- That's illegal, and...
- Ack-ack-ack-ack!

Okay, here we go, everyone.

The game begins
when the elevator doors ding.

Are you ready for the Hellevator?

Buckle up. The juice is loose!

[dings]

Here we go, Hitchcock! [grunts]

What the [bleep]?

♪ ♪

Jake, let me in, let me in! Are you in?

Amy, I'm not gonna make it!

You just go for the day off.
You've earned it.

No, we're gonna lose the car!

Oh, crap! Right, the car.

Oh, no, we're gonna lose the car!

Hell no, we won't!

[screams]

She "Armageddon'd" me.

I don't know what that means.

Another love's sacrifice,

and another lover reborn.

These games truly have it all.

And now, a quick intermission

for one of my legendary costume changes.

All right, come on, Charles.

Quick change, no time for touch-ups.

We're running long.

- Ow!
- Oh, Debbie.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just recovering

from the EpiPen.

I'm sorry I messed everything up.

I'm just not cut out
for this high-stakes world

of having fun with friends.

First off, if you think you
messed this up, you're crazy.

Nothing can mess up the performance

I'm putting on out there.

Secondly, what you did
today was incredible.

I got disqualified immediately.

Did I ever tell you the story
of my Jimmy Jabs humiliation?

No. You pretty much
never talked to me till today.

Well, it was 2009,
it was the opening ceremonies

and I couldn't be more excited.

I even got my hair styled
just for the event.

Charles, flame me.

[screams]

I was out before the games even began.

But I wouldn't change
that moment for the world

because it made me realize
that not even flames

can grind me down to dust.

There is a place for us,
for we are glorious.

- You are the bearded lady.
- We are all the bearded lady.

Now ask yourself what have
you always wanted to do,

- but were too scared to try?
- Sing.

- What?
- I wanna sing

- in front of everyone.
- Okay, little lady,

you get that voice warmed up

because you are doing
the closing ceremonies.

I can't. I haven't prepared.

I don't even know the song.

Welcome to show business.
It waits for no one.

You're on in an hour.

So Diaz, I figured out
why you wanna win.

I hacked your work calendar.

Those calendars are public.

Everyone on the system has access.

I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Anyhow, you took a vacation 14 days ago,

and yet, you already
want another day off?

Odd, unless you need it for a unique,

once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.

Perhaps a proposal
to your girlfriend Jocelyn.

- What?
- You've been dating for a year,

you've met each other's parents,

and you just got your nails done

to present her with a ring.

- Jocelyn broke up with me.
- What?

I want the day off so I can sit alone

and listen to death metal
and get my head right.

But what about my nail polish solve?

Getting my nails done
made me feel better

- for a second.
- Ahh!

This is a trick to throw me off.

I bet things
are better than ever and you...

Oh.

You really are crying.

Welcome to my most sadistic creation.

The tangled nightmare of extension cords

that lives in our supply closet.

Your mission is to untangle
your lamp's cord, plug it in,

and then pull yourself to it
on your dolly and turn it on.

Oh, nice. Hitchcock's
coming down from the speed.

I have a chance.

Freaks, begin!

[grunts]

- [grunting]
- Jake!

- What is that?
- Grab the top one

- and yank the bottom one!
- Oh, thank God

that's what she meant.

Although, I'm open
to whatever you wanna try.

Here we go. [grunts]

Diaz, I wanna apologize.

I'm not talking to you.

[grunts] Oh, oh, Amy, it worked!

- The banging worked!
- What? No!

Here we go.

Go.

♪ ♪

Gotcha.

You're never gonna catch me.

[grunting] Yes, I did it!

And Hitchcock's gonna lose!

Rosa and Holt are gonna beat him.

Rosa, stop. I give up.

I want you to know I'm sorry for prying.

Win this thing, and enjoy your day off.

And if you ever want
a friend to sit with you

and silently listen to death metal,

just know I'm always here.

Okay. I'd like that.

Ah, no! What are you freaks doing?

We're leaving the competition.

Some things are more important
than a game.

No, they're not!
Wait, where are you going?

Don't leave! We need you to...

[people gasping]

[groans]

Why does the ceiling hate me?

I don't get it.
Why did you make this bet

- in the first place?
- I don't know.

Terry kept saying all that stuff

about how I matured,

and I got worried
I was becoming a boring adult.

You are not a boring adult.

No. I am.

You wanna know why I really wanted

that year of no paperwork?

It's so if we did get pregnant,

I would have more time
to help with the baby.

- Aww.
- No, save your "aww."

I don't deserve it. I'm just
some boring, responsible guy

that's about to lose our car.

- You're still pretty irresponsible.
- [sucks teeth] Aww.

You're just saying that
'cause you're my wife.

No, I'm not.

Yesterday, you took the batteries

out of our smoke detector

to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.

- You noticed.
- Yeah.

- In a bad way.
- Yeah.

Now get up, and win this bet.

- You can do this.
- Yeah, you're right.

- I can do this.
- Yeah.

[screams]

Yeah, I maybe can't do this.

The time has come for the grand finale,

the obstacle course.

This is gonna be rough.

Turns out, taking a ton of random pills

is really bad for you.

Everything hurts.

Yeah, I'm like 50/50 gonna die.

On your mark, get set,
dazzle me, freaks!

[both grunting]

First, you must make your way
past the barricade hurdles.

- [grunts]
- After the hurdles,

you must fish a dollar coin
out of our gross,

clogged-up sink of nightmares.

[blubbering]

- Ahh!
- Ew.

You use that money to buy a hot dog.

After you eat the entire dog,

you'll return to the break room,

where you must extract an olive

from the windpipe
of a Heimlich practice dummy.

Why are you using your mouth
for everything?

The winner will be the first person

to sit in the Ringmaster's throne.

Uh-oh, surprise twist!

To get to the throne,
you must break through

- a breach training door.
- What?

Why are you making this so hard on me?

It's all for the show, Jake.

The greatest show on Earth!

All right, fine. I can do this.

For my wife.

[screams in slow motion]

[whimpers, grunts normally]

Ah, it didn't work.

My skeleton feels like
it's made of Skittles.

- I can't do it, Amy.
- Yes, you can, okay?

You just need a little energy.

And Debbie's EpiPens
are full of adrenaline.

- Is that a smart thing to do?
- Probably not,

but sometimes it's good
to be a little irresponsible.

You're gonna make me sick.

It's better than losing our car.

I mean, is it? 'Cause... [screams]

I will never die!

- Yeah!
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo!
- Jake is champion!

Congratulations, you inherit the circus!

I did it! I don't want the circus.

[death metal playing over headphones]

- You like it?
- Not at all.

- You can leave.
- Not a chance.

♪ ♪

The show is over, lessons were learned,

tears were cried.

Just remember, freaks,

the real freak is the freak inside.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Debbie Fogel.

♪ And now our games come to an end ♪

♪ We started as freaks
but now we're friends ♪

♪ And we'll all be friends forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

Well, that was weird.

Whoa-ho-ho, you hear that?

It's the total silence of people reeling

from the performance of a lifetime.

- How does it feel?
- Incredible.

- I've never been that loud.
- That's what most singing is.

And with more practice,
you'll only get louder.

Do you really think they liked it?

It doesn't matter
what other people think.

What matters is that you can do anything

you put your mind to,
because in the end,

my bearded lady,
the beard was under you,

- the greatest showman.
- [chuckles]

You're right. I can do anything.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

Anything I put my mind to.

♪ Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, oh ♪

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com