All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine Nine s08e09 The Last Day 1.eng

- Terry loves waking up.

Terry loves waking up. Terry--

Good morning, honey, time to--

[screams]
What the hell are you doing?

- It's Holt and Amy's last day,

so we're having a final heist!
It's heist day!

- Couldn't you have just
sent an email?

- Nope, this was the only way.

I have to go alert the others.
See you soon!

It's heist day, Rosa!
- [screams]

- Whoops, sorry about
your milk. Gotta go!

- Niko, it's time for school.

- It's heist day, Charles!

- Where's Nikolaj?

- He's crying in the closet!
Gotta go!

- Babe, what are you doing?

- I was hiding
so I could surprise you.

But if you're here,
then who's in our shower?

- It's me, Captain Holt.

It's heist day, Jake.

all: Oh!

[upbeat music]

♪

- For Captain Holt
and Amy's last day,

I've been granted permission
to throw a final

non-holiday-associated heist.

- But before we begin,
I'd like to say a few words.

These last eight years
have been

some of the best of my life.

I will always cherish
our time together.

But not as much as I will

cherish drowning you all
in your own blood.

- What?
- It's the final heist

and I will chop off your limbs
and feed them to your young.

Now quit stalling
and introduce it.

- That's the spirit!
Now since there have never been

an official
two-time heist winner--

- I won three times.

[all shouting at once]
- One, at best!

Anyhoo, the point is,

all past heists
will be forgotten

and the only real winner
that matters is this year's

as they shall be crowned

the Grand Champion

of the Nine-Nine.

- I wish I could join you all,

but I want everyone to know

I am not playing.

- Here we go again.
- Oh, Terry.

- It's true.

I have my interview
to be the captain

of the Nine-Nine
this afternoon.

- We've all seen
this movie before.

You pretend not to play
and then at some key moment

you come Kool-Aid Manning
through a brick wall

and win the whole thing.
- I can't run through walls.

I am a normal human person.

- You do have
the Kool-Aid Man's

exact physique and personality.

But he's not lying,
Terry will not be heisting.

I had him get
a notarized letter

that says
he legally cannot win.

- You cheated on me
with another notary?

- I mean,
you're making it sound

more intimate than it was.

He just embossed something.
- Just embossed?

What else are you
gonna tell me?

Did you just put your
thumbprint in his log book?

- Both of them.
- Oh, my God.

- You know what?
We'll talk about this later.

Moving on. The six of us
will vie for the crown.

- You mean seven.
You forgot about me.

- You're not
a part of this, Hitchcock.

You're in Brazil.
- Or am I? Come and find out.

- Stop trying to trick us into
visiting you in South America.

- I'm kind of the biggest
ball in the sack here.

- Yeah,
I'm pretty sure the locals

wouldn't agree with that.
Okay!

We're gonna start off in teams.

I'm sure everyone could use
the extra help

since this year's heist
was so spur of the moment

and no one had time to plan
anything too complicated.

This year's plan is insanely
complicated.

Check it out.

We will be selecting
our partners with the help

of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture,

the big bag of loose teeth.

- What the hell?
- Are those human?

- It's evidence from
a century of bar brawls.

- The story of New York
is in this bag.

- The story of New York
is gross.

- Yeah, Terry,
we live in a hell-mouth.

Now, in this bag is a tooth

with each of
your initials on it.

Who wants to root around inside
and pick a partner?

- I'm not putting my hand
in a bag of dirty, old teeth.

- It's not dirt, it's old blood
and dried phlegm.

Who's in? No one?

Are you really
all that squeamish?

Of course they're
all that squeamish.

It's part of my plan.

I'll volunteer to reach
into the bag

so I can rig the selection
process using...

this magnet.

Pretty dope, right?
I've also added

metal fillings to certain teeth

to ensure we get
the pairings that we want.

Holt will be playing with

Norm Scully.
- His name is Norm?

- My name is Norm?
- We don't have to

break into teams this year.
- You're lucky.

Hitchcock's with me,

so you're actually
getting two partners.

- Three if you include
my donkey friend.

Say hello to the team,
Donkey Scully.

- He named him after me!
- All right!

Rosa Diaz, your partner will be
the lovely Amy Santiago.

- Diaz, want to trade?
Hitchcock, Scully,

and the donkey, three for one?

I'll even throw in Cheddar.
- Why?

So he can spy on me?
- Oh, please.

Cheddar's not a spy.

Abort, she's onto us.

- So Cheddar has an earpiece?

- Wait, if Terry's out,
that means--

- Oh, yeah.
It's you and me, buddy.

- But I don't get it.

Why don't you want us
to be on the same team?

- Because, Amy, no one can know

that we're working together.
- Smart.

And Charles will never
be suspicious

because he'll be so excited
to be your teammate.

- Yeah,
that sweet little dumbass.

For the final heist, we will
all be competing for this.

- Is that my medal of valor
from the very first heist?

- It is modeled after it, yes,

but this far more meaningful.

- I got mine for saving
the life of Maya Angelou.

- Boring!

This one says
Grand Champion on it

and it's made out of golt,

a non-gold alloy that should
not be handled by women

who are pregnant or nursing.
Yours is garbage.

And this golden vessel

is from the precinct's
old pneumatic tube system.

It's been outfitted
with a time-release lock

set for midnight.

Whoever has the medal
at that time

will be the winner.

♪

[pneumatic tube whooshing]

Now, let the Last Day Heist
begin.

- It's an amazing plan, babe.
- Thank you very much.

And everyone's gonna be
so shocked when they find out

the big surprise:

that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine.

- What did you just say?

- Yeah.

.

- What do you mean
you're leaving?

- I mean,
that's what I want to do.

But only if you agree.
- I don't understand.

- Well, for weeks we've been
trying to figure out

how you can do your new job

and still have us be there
for Mac as much as we want.

And I really think this is it.

- Yeah, but we have
other options.

- Yeah.

But I think
this is the best one.

Look, you know I was scared
about having kids

'cause I didn't want
to be like my dad.

But if I do this,

I have a chance
to be the exact opposite.

And I don't want Mac to ever
feel the way I felt growing up.

- And I get that, I really do.

But you love being a detective.

- I know.

It's all I ever wanted to be.

Until now.

Now, all I care about

is what's best for our family.

And Ames, this is it.

I mean, you've earned
this incredible opportunity.

You can't do it halfway,
it's too important.

And Mac's my little buddy.

I want to be at home with him.

- Are you sure?

Because we could figure
something else out.

You know I would
do anything for you.

- I would do anything
for you too.

- Will you run
that half-marathon?

- I'm never running
the half-marathon, Amy.

You gotta stop asking.

- You really think
you'll be happy?

I don't want you to give up
your dream job just for me.

- I have a new dream job now.

Trust me, I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

[tender music]

♪

So...

we're good?
- Yeah, we're good.

- Oh, thank God, I spent
so much money on this plan.

- How much money, Jake?
- I mean, not an insane amount.

Mac definitely has to go
to state college now,

but the important thing is
we're on the same page.

Let me tell you about the plan.
- No.

- So the heist is actually
going to be

the perfect goodbye.
- What does that mean?

- Drama, glamor,
shocking twists and turns.

And the whole heist
ends up with everyone

at the Brooklyn Bridge.
- Is that meaningful?

Have we ever been there
together as a squad?

- Uh, yeah.

[theme music]

I'm not sure why
we all looked so intense,

we were just getting falafel.
- I mean,

that falafel stand
is really good.

- True that, yeah.

Anyways, once everyone arrives

there's gonna be
a huge fireworks display.

- Uh-uh, no.

Remember when you almost blew
off your thumb with that M-80?

No fireworks.
- Okay, fine!

But luckily I have
a surprise guest lined up.

I reached out to
Bruce Willis' people

and they said that he would,
quote,

"Not engage with
something like that."

So, I think
it's gonna work out.

- Kay, but why are we
on different teams?

- Because in order
for this to work,

we absolutely have to win
the first leg of the heist.

It doubles our chances.

- Got it, so basically

we just have to keep Holt
from getting that tube.

- Yes, indeed.

I just realized we haven't
been alone without Mac

for like three months.
- Desk?

- Yep, let's do it.
- All right.

- Enough talk.
I'm getting that tube.

Where'd it go?
- That tube has been

whisked off to a secret
location which only I know.

And since I'm not competing,
I've agreed to help out.

I designed the first part
of the heist

to be a scavenger hunt
through memorable moments

from the last eight years.

It's a trip down memory lane.

- Not a problem.
I have the memory of a--

the thing with
the big nose and ears.

- Prince Charles.
- No.

- I hid five clues,
each leading to the next.

And the last one
gets you the tube.

The first clue
is under your chairs.

- "Our fallen colleague
missing still..."

- "His replacement
fits the bill..."

- I can think of one colleague
who literally fell.

We all watched it happen

and then we ate
his sweet candy insides.

- The vending machine!

Is one theory,
probably incorrect.

- Damn it, Charles.
Silent epiphany!

- It's a new machine.
It's beautiful!

- "His replacement
fits the bill."

- The slots aren't labeled.
How do we know what to press?

- Well, a vending machine code
is usually a letter followed

by a double-digit number.
Jeffords is being sentimental.

- [screams]
[glass shatters]

- Holy [bleep].
- Got it.

- For the record,
it was gonna be B-nine-nine.

- Nobody cares.
My thing was better.

"When a fellow needs a friend,

it's what's on the inside
that counts."

- "Fellow needs,"
like felonies.

- "On the inside," like jail.

- Your cannibal friend.
- Charles, I highly doubt--

it's definitely that!
- Go!

- For the record,
I'm not a cannibal anymore.

My new passion
is needlepoint embroidery.

Look at these.

Two parrots in love.

A turtle with a monocle
and a top hat.

- Wow, it's so intricate.
How do you--

- Ahh!
- Oh, no, no!

- Okay, you got me.

I was gonna eat you.

That's still my thing.

It's even affected
my needlepoint.

Look at this. Liver.

A heart.

Butt.

An arm.

Mmm.

Oh, and there's this one

that your delicious-looking
lieutenant asked me to do.

- The third clue.

"Where the devil lies,
you'll find your prize."

- Well...
[chuckles]

I know where the devil lies.

Wuntch's grave.
- Wow.

Did Terry put up
a balloon arch

just for the heist?
- No, that was me.

I come every week
to install a fresh one.

But enough chit-chat.
Let's dig her up.

- I don't think
we wanna do that.

- Why, are you scared
of what she'd look like?

She's just a corpse
with worms for eyes,

no different
than when she was alive.

- Found it. Here.

- "Don't tell me where the next
clue is hidden, tell me why."

- "Tell me why."

From that time Jake made
the perp sing that song.

- Wait a minute,
you guys know about that?

Were any of you actually there?

- You've told us the story
many times.

- And tried to recreate the
moment on several occasions.

all:
♪ Working at the car wash

- No, number two and five,
you're off key.

Number three, you're coming in
way too early.

I mean, what are we even
doing here, guys?

So which one do you think
killed your family?

Yeah, I got to stop
trying to recapture

the magic of the original
and move on.

Anyways, back to
the eighth annual heist.

♪

Oh, no! Janitor Dan
is erasing the clue!

all: No!

- Stop! Stop!

- You're welcome.
- Damn it.

I love that guy, he's so nice.

Ruined the whole heist and
we can't even be mad at him.

- Yeah, we gotta call Terry.
- Already on it.

It's going
straight to voicemail.

- No problem,
I actually installed

malware on his phone
in case he started heisting.

I have access to
his microphone and speaker.

- So, Lieutenant Jeffords,
can you handle

the increased responsibility
of being a captain?

- I'm glad you asked.
I'm very responsible.

- Terry! Terry!

Terry, it's Jake and the squad
calling from your butt.

Terry, Terry, Terry!

- I'm sorry, what's happening?
- I didn't hear anything.

- Terry, answer your butt.

Answer your butt.
Answer your butt.

Don't ignore your butt, Terry!

Terry, come on,
it'll just take a second.

We just need the final clue.

- A perfect world,
a time of bliss,

a loving and inspiring kiss.
- We can't hear you.

Please speak directly
into your butt.

- A perfect world,

a time of bliss,
a loving and inspiring kiss.

- Wonderful!
Thank you, Terry, that is all.

- "A loving
and inspiring kiss."

That's gotta be Jake and Amy.

And we know it's not
the last couple years

because they've basically
stopped kissing in front of us.

- All right. Wait a minute!

"A Perfect World" is a movie
with Kevin Costner,

or should I say Kevin Cozner.

It's a kiss between
Holt and Kevin.

- The one that
brought them back together.

Out front in the rain!
- Ooh!

- Well, looks like
it's gonna be

a sprint out of the elevator.
- This is unfortunate.

I didn't want to have
to reveal it this early.

- Reveal what this early?

- My most precious secret.

My tattoo!

- [gasps]
What am I looking at?

- Is that what I think it is?

- Kevin's human head
on Cheddar's dog body?

- I asked for a tattoo
of Kevin and Cheddar.

I don't know why
he combined them.

- It's--it's--

- It's the ultimate
distraction.

- No, wait, wait!

- Sorry, but you're too late.

The tube is mine.

Wait, it's empty.
Where'd it go?

- You looking for this?

Surprise reveal.

all: Gina?

- [evil laughter]

.

- Well, well, well.

You thought you could have
a final heist without me?

- I texted you about it
like 50 times.

- Yeah, but, Jake,
I'm important now.

So if you want to reach me,
you should call into

"Watch What Happens Live."

Andy Cohen always
knows where I am, okay?

Anyhoo,
I'm gonna keep this safe

by driving it around
in this hot little mama.

- You rented an armored truck?

- No, I bought it.

It felt like it was great
for the heist

and it's also just
such a wonderful way

to flex on you guys
how rich I am now.

I'm all about Salmons.

Salmon.
You don't know about

the $10,000 bill
that has a picture

of Salmon P. Chase on it?
He's like--

It's sad you were
unaware of that.

Oh, my gosh,
this is embarrassing

for all you broke bums.

Okay.

You're gonna regret
the day you fired me.

- You left of
your own volition!

We each spent
meaningful time with you!

We were incredibly supportive!

- Thank you for considering me.

Again, I'm sorry about
that interruption.

I know the heist seems crazy.
- No, no, no.

In a difficult job,
it's vital to give people

a chance to blow off
some steam.

That's just good leadership.
- Wow!

I was sure you'd be angry.

I figured this interview
was over.

What?

There's a price tag
on this chair.

- Oh, well, I must have
forgotten to take it off.

It's a recent purchase.

You should know, Jeffords,
I want to keep you here.

- You want to keep me here?

- Yes, at the NYPD.

- Hmm.

Wait a minute.

There's no light bulb
in this lamp.

This computer
isn't even plugged in.

And there is no light

coming from this window.

Son of a bitch!

This is a fake office.

It's all part of the heist!

- Oh, Jake,
what do we do now?

- Obviously, our plans
have changed a little,

but the perfect goodbye
is still in our sights.

Our objective is the same.

Get that tube from Gina
before Holt does.

- How do we break into
an armored truck?

- What are you two doing?
- Oh, sorry,

Mac's done with daycare
so we had the babysitter

bring him by
so we could say hi.

'Cause we're gonna be home
late tonight, so--

- Yeah, just trying to strike
that heist-life balance.

Isn't that right,
little Mac-a-docious?

Isn't that right, Mac-a-roonie?
- Yeah.

- Ugh.
- Yeah!

- Well, when you're done,
come find me.

We gotta talk strategy.
- Got it.

- I can't believe
she fell for it.

- So, I don't understand,

you guys are paying me
to babysit a fake baby?

- Yeah, we're just hoping
people think it's real.

- Oh, cool.

You think it's working?
- I do not.

- Okay, so this truck
is a fortress on wheels

and we are not getting in there
without an intricate plan.

- I was just gonna jump on it
as it drives by.

- Yeah, okay.
- Dope.

[exciting music]

- Here she comes.
- Copy.

♪

- That was crazy!

Now how are you gonna get in?

Right, every woman
should own an axe.

[brakes screech]

What the hell just happened?

- So, here's the plan.

I latch on to the bottom
of the truck

and unbolt the emergency exit
hatch while it's still moving.

- Oh, but that's impossible.

Unless you finally did it?
- I did.

I bought us magnet suits!
Check it out.

[metallic thud]
- No!

- Ha-ha!
- So sweet.

- I got it off Ukrainian Etsy.

They sell arts and crafts
and tactical gear.

It's a weird site.

- So we stick to
the bottom of the truck.

It's brilliant.
But how do we get on?

- Through a manhole
outside the precinct.

We just have to get Gina
to stop right on top of it.

- She might stop
for a pedestrian.

If we could figure out
someone who is willing

to step in front
of a moving truck.

- Lucky for us, we know someone
will do anything for money.

[claps]
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Bill. Rough year?
- Yeah, the pandemic

was really hard on my industry.
- Which is?

- Nursing home seductions.
- Oh, my God.

- Well, like I say every heist:
that's enough, Bill.

[brakes screech]

- Damn it, Gina.

- She drove off. Are you okay?

- I'm good, I just gotta
start getting these bolts off.

- Stupid Rosa.

Thinks she can jump on my truck

like Salt
from the movie "Salt."

[phone chiming]

What the hell?

- We're stopping.
Why are we stopping?

- Time to talk strategy.

Let's be honest,
we're not young men.

- Speak for yourself.

My doctor said
I'm in my twilight years.

- That means
you're close to death.

- But it has
such a pretty name.

- We're not gonna force our way
into an armored vehicle.

We'll need to use our brains.

In the end, Gina will just

hand me the keys to that truck.

[knocking on window]
- You.

- Unusual activity
on your socials?

- You hacked me.
- I gave control of your entire

social media portfolio

to Hitchcock and Scully.

- And you told them
to embarrass me?

- Worse, I told them
to just be themselves.

- My God, I've agreed
to host an Instagram Live

for Outback Steakhouse.

- They're inside the precinct,
if you want to go stop them.

- You're a monster.

♪

- Hey there, Ray-Ray.

- Nice outfit, Peralta.

It's very attractive.
I'm making a pun.

I know that's a magnet suit

because I sold it to you.
- You're Kazimir?

And unfortunately for you,

I have a remote
that can active your vest

and prevent you
from controlling it.

- No, no, no!

You stick around, okay?
- [groans]

- "Stick around"
was another magnet pun.

- Yeah, I get it was a pun!

.

- Jake, there you are.
- No, no, don't come in here!

Yeah, the magnet suits
have a couple of drawbacks.

- They look cool, though.
- They look so cool!

Probably still worth it.

- I lost the tube.
Can't even stand

on top of a fast-moving truck
that suddenly

slams on its brakes.
What's wrong with you, Rosa?

- It's okay.
Here, check this out.

I've been spying on Holt
for over a month.

He brought a drone which
he's using to take the tube to

the Bark Hyatt Doggy Daycare
where it will be retrieved

by none other than
Cheddar the dog,

who will take it
to a secret hiding place.

We could grab it,
but the Bark Hyatt play area

has live feed webcams.
- Holt will see

if someone goes for the tube.

- Not if that someone is a dog.

- I'm not dressing up
like a dog.

- I'll do it.
- [screams]

- Oh, my God!
- I was eavesdropping

and when the dog thing
came up, I said,

"Bill, this is your moment."
- That's okay, Bill.

I already have
someone on in the inside.

Meet Biscuit, the dog
I adopted for the heist.

- Don't you have
horrible allergies?

- Or was that just a long con
I perpetrated

to win this heist?
- I don't think so.

- You're right.
I am covered in hives.

Anyway, Biscuit is also
enrolled at the Bark Hyatt

where he's been trained
to steal the tube

right from under
Cheddar's wet little nose.

Then we visit Biscuit

and get the tube.
- Nice work.

I almost feel bad
that I have to betray you.

- What? Then don't!

- You made me meet
with a fake person

just so you could trick me
into sitting out the heist?

That interview was important!

It's my shot
to become captain!

I bought fancy new suspenders
for this, with gold thread!

I can't return them
because I've already

stretched them out
with my pecs.

They've been pec-stretched!
- Slow down.

Edward Williams is not a fake.

- Then why was he
in a fake office?

- Oh, Terry,
he just relocated to make room

for the new reform unit
on the sixth floor.

It's a temporary space.
- Ooh.

- Lieutenant.

What did you do?

- I may've gotten a little...
heisty.

I'm supposed to believe
this is your family

and not the picture
that came with the frame?

[glass shatters]
Oh, and this is a real award?

Kapow!

- We have to go fix this.

Your career is more important
than a game.

Scully, you're in charge
of the heist until I get back.

Keep an eye on that tube.
- Yes!

Hitchcock, this is our chance
to show everyone

what we're made of--
Oh, it's you.

Donkey Scully,
go find Hitchcock.

- The hell? I'm stuck.
- Yeah, I rigged it.

That's what you get for being
a nerd who wears seatbelts.

Cool people die gruesome,
preventable deaths.

Oh, here's my ride.

♪

- Pimento's here.
- Hi, Pimento.

- Amy, it has been too long.

When are you gonna
let me meet my godson?

- He's not your godson?
- Okay, but when you die,

I am going to raise him.
- All right, let's go.

- Yeah. I gotta drop you off

and then I have
a plane to catch.

- What, where are you going?
- Ugh.

I took this job
protecting a diamond mine

in Northern Canada
that's being terrorized

by a pack of wolves?

Apparently it's
"illegal to shoot them"

so I have to tear them apart
limb from limb.

- How long you going for?
- As long as it takes me

to find the alpha, kill it,

take control of the pack,

and then completely decimate
the diamond mine.

[laughs]
Total double cross.

All right, let's ride!

both: Bye, Amy.
- No, wait.

Rosa, no, no,
you can't leave me here!

This wasn't part of the plan!

Or was this exactly the plan?

- It's all part
of the perfect goodbye.

Everyone should think
they have the winning tube,

but then at midnight
when the time locks release,

they'll realize
they actually just have

a sentimental gift from me.
Look what I got Holt.

It's the first tie I bought

after he started
making me wear them.

And I'm getting Rosa a travel
board game so she knows

that we're gonna keep doing
game night even though

the Nine-Nine's breaking apart.
- Aww.

- And I'm also getting
everyone AirPods.

- Hmm, I'd lose those.

Feels like it
cheapens the sentiment.

Plus, everyone
already has headphones.

- Okay, fine, no AirPods.

So, in order for this to work,

we have to get to the golden
tube before Holt does

and swap it out for the one
with the tie inside.

Hey there, Ray-Ray.

Then with Rosa believing
that Holt has the real one,

you just need to come up
with a fake heist

and then find a way
to slip her the dummy tube.

- It went perfectly.
- Same here, sort of.

We came back to change
'cause we had to ditch

our magnet suits
in the armored car.

It was fine for me.

Charles went commando
for some reason.

Anyway,
he's getting dressed now.

We just have to figure out
a way to slip him his gift

and then we're all set.

The perfect goodbye
is so close I can taste it.

- Yum, yum, yum.
- Gah!

Bill, you can't sneak up
on people like that.

I gotta go.

- Jake!

- Hey. What's up, you okay?

- Are you quitting
the Nine-Nine?

- What? Why would you--

- I found this letter
of resignation in your locker.

Were you not gonna tell me?

Does our friendship
mean nothing to you?

- Charles, I can explain.
- Don't bother.

- Wait, no, wait,
Charles, wait a second.

Charles, come back.

[sighs]

- Seems like
someone's in the market

for a new best friend.
- Bill, I swear to God.

- We look exactly the same.

- Guh, okay.

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

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