All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 01x01 - Pilot.DVDRipFFNDVD.English.HI.edit.Addic7ed.com

(♪ Tool Time theme song)

(Lisa) Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(applause)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hey, guys. My show is on.
Come on and watch!

- No, thanks.
- We're playing.

- Oh... Jill.
- Yeah.

I got a spot all warmed up on the couch.
Tool Time's ready to begin. Come on.

- Couldn't get the boys to watch, huh?
- They were a little busy.

- So am I.
- Well, your loss.

It's a great episode. Classic.

I'm showing everybody
how to install a deadbolt lock. Yeah.

...so let's get that taken care of.

- (snap)
- There you go. Hear that snap?

That means it's on. Tool tip.
Tool belt fashion tip from ol' Tim -

Hike it up so you avoid
that unsightly butt crack,

'cause who wants to see that?

Boy, there's nothing like
the feeling of rawhide

and cold steel hanging on your hips.

My wife says when I put this bad boy on,
I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape.

(grunts)

You know what?
I don't think women understand

the feeling of rawhide and steel,
vise-gripping, monkey-plier,

dado, head-cut, flat jig,
minor jig, box, hot goo, ar-ar-ar.

Busy day today.

Al and I are gonna rough-in that house,
finish hanging that garage door,

but first, we're gonna install

a twin-cylinder deadbolt
security lock in this door.

- Morning, Al.
- Morning, Tim.

Always follow your instructions.
Always makes jobs a bit easier.

We've already laid out
with the template included in the kit

where we're putting our holes.
Used my awl here to set my drill.

All right, Al, let's have the drill, please.

Whoo! Look at that butt crack
you got going there.

I think we ought to start today
by spackling AI's butt crack shut, huh?

With the new Patch-and-Paint
butt crack filler putty.

(drill)

Hey, I smell voltage.
I think it's time to drill.

Right, Tim. And we'll be using
the 1 1/2 inch auger bit.

Come on, Al. That's a girl drill.
We need a man drill, don't we?

But Tim, this is the proper tool.

More power!

Darn right, more power.
Thank you, Lisa.

Now, there's raw power.

This is the Binford series
heavy-duty, variable-speed drill.

Double-reduction spur gearing,
1400 RPM, 6.8 amps.

(grunts)

But you won't even be halfway through
your aug before you hear this.

(high-pitched voice) Honey, shut that
thing off. It's making too much noise.

(inquisitive grunt)

Always ignore that first plea.
Just makes her yell a little louder.

Here she comes down the hall.
♪ Boom-boom-boom-boom

Shut that thing off. Do you have mud
in your ears, you big baboon?

- Who's that supposed to be?
- Hey!

Is that supposed to be me?

No, that's not you.

Oh, what a relief. Then who is it?

It's, uh, every wife.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, I happen to be a wife.

Every wife but you.

(laugh)

Stop it. You'll make me
go to the bathroom.

- Let me up, let me up.
- (buzzing)

No, you started this.
You're staying right there.

(laughing) No!

(buzzing)

No, really, I have a blouse in the dryer.
I have to get that out. Let me go.

(Mark) Help!

Tim, would you go see
who's killing who out there?

I can only imagine. Randy, what are you
doing to your younger brother?

I'm just hanging him
from the jungle gym.

- Help!
- Don't do that.

He likes it.

Randy, you let go of that rope

or I'm gonna hot-glue your
little head to the garage door.

- No running in the house.
- Brad!

Cover the ball with both hands
so you don't fumble. Go on.

Tim.

And do as your mother says!
Don't run in the house!

- I'll be back.
- Where are you going?

Sears Summer Spectacular Sale.

You can't go.
I've got this job interview.

- What job interview?
- I have been telling you this all week.

It's the personnel manager
at Kingman-Hartwell.

You never told me about a job interview.

Tim, do you ever listen to me?

It was the last thing that I said
in bed to you last night.

No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing
you said to me in bed last night was,

"No!"

You're thinking of tonight.

(mock laughter)

You split my sides.
You really do.

Is that my liver?
Look in there. Look at that.

You stop that.
I gotta be there in an hour

and you gotta stay here with these kids.

- Fine. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes? Who are you kidding?

You'll be down there,
drooling, fondling all the tools,

your eyes bugging out.
You don't even look at me like that.

I would if you were
two speeds and reversible.

- Tim.
- You won't even know I'm gone.

Tim, walk out that door and this
goes in the trash compactor.

Whoa! That's my Binford power tape
with positive toggle lock.

- Kiss it goodbye.
- Don't turn that on.

- Are you staying?
- Yes! God, you're mean to me.

Ahh, there's food boogers all over it.

Since you're staying,
would you load the dishwasher?

Why not?
Now that you've broken my spirit.

Tim, this job is important to me.

Aren't you excited
about me going back to work?

Yeah, sure.

(mimicking) Yeah, sure.

Could you maybe work up
a little enthusiasm?

I'm sorry, honey.

Gosh, I'm excited that you won't
be laying around the house

mooching off the boys and me.

Oh! Do the other side.
Oh, I'm your love slave.

- Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's?
- What?

- Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's?
- (Tim) Yeah, sure.

Honey, don't put that in the dishwasher.
You have to rinse it off first.

I gotta wash the dish
before I put it in the dishwasher?

Yeah. That spray's not
strong enough for egg yolk.

It would be if we had
a man's dishwasher,

but, no, you insisted on
the Lady Soft Touch decor series.

- Little tiny buttons that no man can--
- I am so sorry.

The grunting-hairy-ape model
was sold out. (grunts)

- (grunts)
- Just rinse the dish.

You know, honey,
I can fix the spray in this dishwasher.

No, Tim. It's not broken.

I know. It just needs more power.

Every time you fix something,
the fire department shows up.

- This would be different because I got--
- No!

I am not gonna let you ruin
a perfectly good dishwasher

just so you can get out
your tools and play.

- Six horse--
- No.

- One--
- No. No.

Play? I host my own
home improvement show.

Don't touch the dishwasher.

(mimicking)
Don't touch the dishwasher.

I'll show her.

Boy, I'll strap that old 427 side arm
V-8 on that son-of-a-B.

Dual quads, Hedman hedders,
Isky cam, 700 horse,

blowing everything off
every dish in there,

including that little sissy flower pattern.

- I heard that.
- Hey!

This is my house,
that is my dishwasher,

and I will rewire it if I want to.

No. You will not rewire it
and screw it up like you did the blender.

End of discussion.

What is your problem with the blender?

It's the only blender on the block
that can purée a brick.

Tim, I'm going to that interview.
I'll see you in a couple hours.

Good luck, honey.
And remember what Knute Rockne said:

- "Hit 'em low and hit 'em hard."
- I'll do that.

Oh, and remember, honey,
don't touch the dishwasher.

Honey, I'm not one of the kids.
You only have to tell me once.

Yeah.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi, Tim.

I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher. Do
you still have that compressor for sale?

No, no, no. Traded that for a set
of snow tires and an accordion.

- Shoot.
- Dishwasher broken, huh?

No, I'm just gonna show my wife
who's man of this house.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

I told her I was gonna rewire
that dishwasher, she jumps all over me.

- Sometimes I don't know about her.
- This isn't about her.

- It's not?
- No, no, no.

This is about you.

The reason you're
having problems with your wife

is because you don't know
who you are as a man.

I don't have a problem
in that area, Wilson.

Not what I mean, Tim.
A lot of men feel lost, confused.

You see, Tim, the industrial revolution
took the adult male out of the home.

Boys were left without an older man
to teach them how to be men.

We need to get back
to something more primitive...

atavistic.

(grunts)

- Atavistic.
- Mm.

How do you spell that?

- Let's just say primitive.
- All right.

Men need to spend more time
around the campfire with their elders,

like in ancient days, seeking wisdom,

telling stories, sharing...

- Would these men have to be naked?
- No, no.

No, that's optional.

You see, Tim, it's time for men
to reclaim the male spirit.

(grunts) Yeah.

I'm gonna start by
reclaiming that dishwasher.

Mark, get your brothers!
We're off to Sears.

(imitates horn sounding)

All right, we gotta get this done
before your mom gets home, OK?

Take a look at this bad boy.

That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse
Blastmaster compressor.

- All tubing inside is stainless steel--
- Dad, why are we doing this?

Randy, it's a house full of men.
We're reclaiming the male spirit. Huh?

By working on a dishwasher?

It's either that or sitting around
a campfire telling stories naked.

Hey, hey, hey!

Where you guys going?
I'm kidding around.

It's just you and me, Mark.
Unless you got something else to do.

- No. I want to be with you.
- Great.

- What are you doing?
- Getting naked.

You don't have to get all the way naked.

All right, this is bare-chested
men's work. Come over here.

All right. Sit down there.

All right, first up,
let's see them muscles. (grunts)

- (grunts)
- (grunts)

(grunts)

- (grunts)
- (grunts)

- (inquisitive grunt)
- (inquisitive grunt)

Yeah. I think you're ready for your
new Hank the Handyman tool belt.

- (Mark grunts)
- All right, let's take a look.

(whistles) Little baby butt crack.

All right. The number one rule
in home repair is safety.

We're gonna rewire
a major appliance,

we gotta cut
the electricity off. All right?

Come on out here.

There. That...

is the fuse box.

The electrical nerve center of our house.

- Wow.
- You're darn right, wow.

But now, we don't have to cut off
all the electricity.

Just the section of the house
we're working on.

That'd be the kitchen, up there, uh...

Kitchen...

I shouldn't have labeled those
in pencil, should I?

They're all faded and everything.
Look it... Well, kitchen's K...

That's kitchen. There we go.

All right, Hank the Handyman,
come on. Let's go.

We got to take off that access panel...

All right...

Whoa, look at all the wires in there.

- Do you know what all those wires do?
- Yeah, of course.

I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't.

Ground, we're looking to ground.

Now, red is all... red... re...

Yellow, see...

The sun is yellow, it heats the ground -
that's how they name stuff.

Was that card right?

Aah!

Whoo! Shake it off.

Ah!

Are you all right, Dad?

Yeah.

I did that to teach you
an important lesson.

What's that, Dad?

Well, when you work with electricity,
it's a good idea to shut it all off.

Now follow me upstairs.

I'll show you how to treat
a severe electrical burn.

(phone ringing)

Hello? No, Jill's not here.

I'll take a message, sure.

Really.

Yeah. I'll tell her.

- Mom didn't get the job.
- She didn't?

Nope. Listen, she's gonna
really need us now.

When she gets home,
she's gonna feel real sad,

so why don't you go upstairs
and wash up,

'cause she just loves it
when you're all clean.

- Hey, Dad! Dad!
- Yeah, Randy.

Look at this neat turtle shell.
I found it down at the creek.

You didn't yank the turtle out of there,
did you?

No.

If I go down to that creek
and find some confused turtle

- swimming without a shell...
- Dad!

I'm gonna go make it into a drum.

Wilson, that's the best part about being
a boy... is collecting all that useless junk.

I wouldn't call it useless, Tim.

The ancient Malaysians used
the turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.

- Turtle shell?
- Mm.

Wouldn't that hurt putting it on?

Tim!

- Uh, I'm out here, honey.
- Tim!

Keep the boys off the phone.
I think I'm gonna hear about that job.

- Honey, actually--
- I am so excited.

Oh, gosh, you wouldn't believe it.
It was the best interview ever.

- Really? Today?
- Oh, yeah. I nailed it.

There is no way on Earth
that I am not gonna get this job.

The Earth is such a big place.

No, really. You should've seen me.
I was so impressive.

I looked this vice president
right in the eye and I said...

- Is that grease on your hand?
- No, that's an electrical burn.

Did you touch the dishwasher?

Did I touch the dishwasher?

- You're a dead man.
- Jill, hold on.

What did you do?
Show me what you did.

Boy, are you cute when you're panicked.

That big vein in your forehead
just sticks right out.

(gasps) What the hell is that?

That is the power source
to your new dishwasher.

- Take it out. No, take it out now.
- No, no.

You don't like the fact
that I improved the dishwasher.

Remember the dried yolk that wouldn't
come off the plate this morning?

Watch this.

- (dishwasher hums)
- Hear that hum?

That's a Finley two-stage,
five-horse Blastmaster compressor.

Air delivery system
is 18 cubic feet per minute.

That should say "testosterone"
right on there, 'cause that...

that is a man's dishwasher.

Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten
that hex bolt like I asked you to!

- Whoa, neat!
- (Tim) Stay away from there!

I don't want you to get hurt.
There's broken stuff there.

I'm gonna call Tommy.
He's got...

No, don't use the phone!
I'm waiting for a call about my job.

Daddy already got that call.

- Sorry you didn't get the job, Mom.
- Mark.

I didn't get the job?

I wanted to wait for
the right time to tell you.

And the dishwasher exploded -
that wasn't it.

I am really, really sorry.

- You all right?
- I'll get the broom.

You don't touch this.
I will clean all this up. I'll get...

Hey, look on the bright side, honey.
It wasn't a full load.

I asked you not to touch the dishwasher.
But you didn't listen, did you?

That's fine. I am not gonna get angry.

I mean, it makes more work for me,
but I don't mind.

I like to work. It's just, you know,
too bad nobody'll hire me.

- You don't have to feel bad.
- Don't tell me how to feel.

- I'm just saying if it were me...
- It's not you, Tim. It's me.

What I mean is you don't have to work.

You don't really want me
to work, do you?

No, no, no.

- I make enough money for both of us.
- No, this is not about money.

This is about me having a life
outside of this house. My autonomy.

- Your autonomy.
- Yeah.

- How do you spell that?
- Don't start.

- Sweetheart, what you gotta do...
- Oh, this is great.

Now I gotta take advice from a guy
who prances around a TV studio,

- grunting like a baboon!
- What does that have to do with...

While Miss Binford Tool girl
flashes her big headlights.

- Lisa?
- No, Al.

What does Lisa have to do with this?

She didn't take your job.
She's got a job.

What?

What a mess.

- Hiya, Tim.
- Hi, Wilson.

Mmm. Boy, does that smell good.
Baby-back ribs?

No, no, no. Squirrel.

I tell you, Tim,
this is what it's all about -

catch-of-the-day cooking,
sun setting,

men standing around the campfire,
telling stories.

- You mind if I tell you a story, Wilson?
- Campfire's lit, good neighbor.

Jill doesn't get the job she wants.
I tell her not to feel bad.

- She gets angry.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.

All right, so then I tell her
what she should do,

she jumps all over me
and then walks away.

Sounds like you were having
an asymmetrical conversation.

Asymmetrical.
How do you spell that?

Let's just say one-sided.

You see, Tim, by nature,
men are problem solvers,

but Jill didn't want you
to solve her problem.

- She didn't?
- No, no, no.

She just wanted you to listen
while she shared her feelings.

Just stand there and listen?
Wouldn't that be like not doing anything?

Sometimes the best thing
you can do, Tim, is nothing.

(grunts)

Jill got mad at me
because I didn't listen to her.

No, I think she got mad at you

'cause you blew up
the damn dishwasher.

People often ask me, they say, "Tim,
why is your show so darn popular?"

I tell you what I think.
I think that working with your hands

puts you in touch with something
primitive, almost atavistic.

It's almost like reclaiming
the male spirit, if you will.

I think you know
where I'm headed with this one.

I'm talking about masculinism -
a flat-out, big-pectoral,

look-at-my-deltoids, hairy-chested
celebration of men.

(grunts)

But this wouldn't be anti-female.
No, no, it's wrong to think that.

Just like this sander

vibrates in harmony
with the grain of the wood.

we men should learn how to vibrate
in harmony with our wives.

So, if ya...

if you have an occasion to
have a disagreement with your wife,

you should be man enough...

to not be asymmetrical.

Because that would be one-sided.

But you should be man enough
to look at her and say.

"I'm sorry, Jill..."

Or Betty or Ruth
or whatever her name would be.

- Anyway, let's finish sanding that table.
- (sander hums)

What you said on the show today
was really sweet, Tim.

I don't know if you noticed,

but your name is Jill,
and I used the name Jill.

Maybe you caught
the hidden double meaning.

It was subtle, dear, but I did grasp it.

Am I forgiven?

Yeah. Forgiven.

Well, that's it for me,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

I'll finish up today with
today's household tip.

A very important one,
as all of my tips are.

Remember folks, always
- and I do mean always -

label that fuse box in ink. (grunts)

See ya.

You know, Jill, I still think
you're making a big mistake

not letting me install that dishwasher.

- I have other plans for you.
- You do?

Yeah. When was the last time
that we spent any serious time together

in the back seat of a car?

When Brad threw up that pizza.

No, no, really. You apologized to me.
I think I should apologize to you.

- Really?
- Yeah, and I really wanna do it right.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Back seat?

Garage? Just like our honeymoon?

Here, let me get that.

And that.

This Handsaver Lady Soft Touch
is one of our most popular models.

Hey, let me in!

Hey, lady, there's a crazy man
in your backyard.

Wait a minute. Isn't that the guy
with the tool show on TV?

Hey! Let me in!

Stop waving at me!
Her! Get her!

What's he doing now?

I think he's trying to reclaim
his male spirit.