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1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:02,270
.
2
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,037
- According to
this gossip column,
3
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:07,075
my nemesis, Miles,
is dating Lisa Loeb.
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,142
The Lisa Loeb.
5
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,378
Songbird.
Sex in glasses.
6
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,314
Meanwhile,
I have had zero bangs
7
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:17,118
since moving to this
garbage pile of a town.
8
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:20,588
That's not gonna work for me,
so new plan.
9
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:26,594
Break up Miles and Lisa Loeb.
10
00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,429
The hell's going on here?
11
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,133
- It's parent-teacher day.
12
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,803
Well...
13
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,538
Welcome to A.P. Bio.
14
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:38,739
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
15
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,408
- One, two, three, four!
16
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,676
- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *
17
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:45,713
* Next time,
well, I'll be smart *
18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:53,221
*
19
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:55,189
[parents chattering
indistinctly]
20
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:57,325
- You can't talk to our kids
about banging.
21
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,360
- I want to see a syllabus,
please.
22
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,461
I want to see a syllabus,
please.
23
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,431
- Okay, listen, listen, listen.
24
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,099
I don't know what your kids
told you about me,
25
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,467
but I went to Harvard,
26
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,436
which means I know
how to get in to Harvard,
27
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,204
as well as the other Ivies,
28
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,672
because they're all
a little worse than Harvard.
29
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:14,175
So keep your hands up
if you don't want your kids
30
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,577
to go to Harvard
or one of the lesser Ivies.
31
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,879
Now, I believe all of your
remaining questions
32
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,182
can be boiled down
to one simple answer.
33
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,616
All of your kids know
34
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:26,454
exactly what they need to do
to get an A in my class.
35
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:29,123
Right, guys?
36
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,259
And I'm happy to report
that so far,
37
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,561
all of your kids,
the fruits of your loins,
38
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,862
are getting As.
39
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,702
So have a great
rest of your day, guys.
40
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:45,739
- Excuse me, are we getting
individual feedback, yes?
41
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,542
- You honestly want to know
what I think about Marcus?
42
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:51,412
- Yes.
43
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,682
- Yeah, he's just got
a real turd of a personality.
44
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:57,818
But you two seem like a couple
of wet blankets as well.
45
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,487
Here's why Heather's cool.
46
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,190
There's something dangerous
lurking inside of her,
47
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,191
something edgy.
48
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:04,192
You need to foster that.
49
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,259
- Yeah, guys.
50
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,361
Get me my own pressure cooker.
51
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,497
I want to make brisket,
and I want to make it quick.
52
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,632
- You're not old enough
to get a pressure cooker.
53
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,667
- But I'm old enough
for an HPV vaccine?
54
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,170
- Sarika has no sense of humor,
zero.
55
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,271
Does she laugh at anything?
56
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,872
- Sarika refuses to have fun.
57
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,341
- You think I want to be
58
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,542
spending five hours
every Saturday
59
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,277
at the academic decathlon?
No.
60
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,278
- No.
- No!
61
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,346
I'd rather be poolside,
62
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,780
buns up, sipping a Malibu.
63
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,550
- Seems like one of you
ought to give up the perm.
64
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,452
- But what about
when we get separated
65
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,454
at church or Six Flags?
66
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,356
We always look for the curl.
67
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,627
- Uh...
Wow.
68
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,862
Hold hands. Get a leash.
I don't care. Go away.
69
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,497
Hi.
70
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,598
Mrs. Um...
71
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,335
- Uh, no, I'm--I'm not,
um, married.
72
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:48,869
I'm Trish, Colin's mom.
73
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,404
- Oh.
Oh, Colin's mom.
74
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,439
- Hi.
Sorry.
75
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:52,606
- Well, I can definitely see
76
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,174
where he gets his, um...
77
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,313
His--his book bag.
78
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,414
You got that for him, right?
79
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,350
I mean, it's a nice book bag.
80
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,917
You've got great taste.
- Thank you.
81
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,954
Well, you know, kind of a
book bag, clothes connoisseur.
82
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:10,524
And I mean I certainly didn't
just buy the first one I saw.
83
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,826
- This is the first time
they've ever
84
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:13,961
worked in that sort of medium.
85
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:14,995
Ah!
86
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,430
And this number one stunner
87
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,898
is from our
figure drawing class.
88
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,433
The contours are on point.
89
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,969
The shading is--oof--very fly.
90
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,003
- It's beautiful.
91
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,605
- Excuse me, that's nudity.
92
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,507
- It is nudity.
93
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,809
- Did our children
see a live nude?
94
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:29,810
- No.
95
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:30,878
I was the model,
96
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,446
and I certainly was not nude.
97
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,249
I was wearing a swimsuit
and a low-rise jogger.
98
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:37,285
This technically
isn't even nudity.
99
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:38,519
- She wasn't naked, everybody.
100
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,254
- Is this why my Trey
is suddenly
101
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:43,491
obsessed with
extra
102
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,625
- Wrangle this in, Durbs.
103
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,327
- I bet the school board
would be
104
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,862
very interested
in this vulgar display.
105
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,399
Excuse you?
106
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,567
I have the back
of a Gauguin island queen.
107
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,636
- I'm gonna take care of this.
108
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,371
- Here we go.
109
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,411
- Yeah, I fed that
sweet little baby bird
110
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:04,745
with a syringe for a week
111
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,880
until it got strong enough
and flew away.
112
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:07,881
- Hmm.
113
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,016
- Yep.
114
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,684
So I'm not a parent,
115
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,386
but I get it.
116
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,488
- Birds weird me out.
117
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,290
- Yeah, they're filthy.
118
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:19,293
- Anyway, I'm sorry that
I missed the class intro.
119
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:20,894
My rehearsal went long.
120
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,830
- She plays cello at the Toledo
Symphony Orchestra.
121
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:23,964
- Yeah.
- First chair.
122
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,499
- Cellos weird me out.
123
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:27,668
- Yeah, they're filthy.
124
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,638
- See you later, Mom.
125
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,841
- Oh, um, hey, why don't we
hang out sometime?
126
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,043
Maybe tonight?
- Sure.
127
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,044
Do you want to come by
for dinner?
128
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,512
- Ooh, I don't know.
129
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:39,813
I was gonna eat
this frozen burrito,
130
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,382
but I feel like that's
not gonna turn
131
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:42,716
for another year, so yeah.
132
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:43,884
- Um, well, do you want to
take my number?
133
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,085
- I'm already--
134
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,920
- Oh, you're already
putting it.
135
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,857
419-555-0199.
136
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,792
- Okay, I'll call you
or I will text you.
137
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,361
- Okay.
We'll see which it is.
138
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,562
- Okay.
Bye.
139
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,067
- Hi.
- Hi. Hope you like pinot.
140
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,502
- I do.
Oh.
141
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:02,870
Well, you left
the price tag on.
142
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,872
$27?
143
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,507
Jeez, fancy.
- Yeah.
144
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:07,908
The guy at the liquor store
offered to razor it off,
145
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,610
and I said, "No,
I don't want you to do that.
146
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,512
I want her to know
how classy I am."
147
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,647
- Oh.
Answer: very.
148
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,817
Come in.
- All right.
149
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,024
Well, this smells
absolutely delicious.
150
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,626
- Thank you.
Spaghetti Bolognese.
151
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,728
It's my only specialty.
152
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,630
It's kind of a hard
first date food, though.
153
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,565
- Yeah, there's no sexy way
to eat spaghetti.
154
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:32,900
- No.
- Unless you're one of those
155
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,602
Disney hobo dogs.
They're pretty good at it.
156
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,036
- Yeah,
or one of those snobs that
157
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,971
twirls their pasta
on a spoon.
158
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,507
So un-American.
159
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,841
Well, wait a sec--wait.
160
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,543
You put the spoons out.
Why'd you do that?
161
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,144
- For ice cream, you Communist.
162
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,849
This is fun.
163
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,919
It's been a while since
I hung out with a nice guy.
164
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,021
- Mom, I'm home!
165
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,789
The movie was cancelled
'cause there was a rat
166
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:57,858
in the theater
that bit a stupid girl's toe.
167
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,860
It's like, "Don't wear sandals
to a movie.
168
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:00,894
Wear sneakers."
169
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,396
Hey, Mr. Griffin.
170
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,064
- I'm sorry.
Is it okay if he joins us?
171
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,999
- Yeah.
172
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,435
No, no, absolutely.
- Okay.
173
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:08,669
- Wouldn't have it
any other way.
174
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,170
- Guys want to hear more
about the rat?
175
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,439
Saw it pretty good.
176
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,873
- Nah.
- Sure, honey.
177
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,108
- Yeah. Yeah, let's--
178
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:20,113
.
179
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:20,981
- So like, you know,
Cornish game hen...
180
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,184
- Mm-hmm.
- Pigeons, things like that.
181
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,719
You know, it's basically like
a historical recreation of--
182
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:32,926
- Like a historical recreation
of what Beethoven ate.
183
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,728
Like a food diary, basically.
- Hmm.
184
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,664
Wow.
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
185
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,033
The noodles are
sticking to my uvula.
186
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,802
- I think you're, uh,
old enough
187
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,604
to cut up your own spaghetti
there, champ.
188
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,038
- Yeah.
189
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:50,143
- Um, anyway,
when Beethoven went deaf...
190
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,716
Uh, his other senses just went
absolutely bananas.
191
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:56,850
Sorry.
192
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,486
You know, Colin,
I'll just cut it.
193
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:01,121
- Have you ever read
any historical food diaries?
194
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,758
- I haven't read
a food diary per se,
195
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,159
but in
"The Diary of Anne Frank,"
196
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,961
she talks about
the monotony of the potatoes.
197
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,830
Does that count?
- No.
198
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,164
- Well, I think it does.
199
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:15,135
Right, I mean,
why wouldn't it count?
200
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,203
- Yeah.
201
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,641
- All right,
I'll go get dessert.
202
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,742
- All right.
203
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,612
Sounds good.
204
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,213
All right.
205
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,949
I'll give you 20 bucks--
- Make it 40.
206
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:33,787
- Fine, $40.
207
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:34,788
- Okay.
208
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,790
Salted caramel sundaes.
209
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:39,259
- Mom, Mr. Griffin
gave me 40 bucks.
210
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,194
- I don't know!
211
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,599
Just--yeah.
212
00:07:56,744 --> 00:08:00,247
*
213
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,615
- Ah!
214
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:02,883
- Yay.
215
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,217
- Sometimes I play my sax
so hard,
216
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,053
I get a tongue rash
from the reed.
217
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,888
But the cool thing
about a tongue rash is,
218
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,022
you can scratch it
with your teeth.
219
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:12,526
Like this.
See?
220
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,827
- Ugh.
221
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,028
- I'm tired.
222
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,196
I'm gonna go to bed.
223
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,197
- Okay.
224
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,966
Well, good night, baby duck.
225
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,768
- Quack!
226
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:21,769
- No.
227
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:22,970
- So...
228
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,238
Would you like to retire
to the sofa?
229
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,175
And we could talk about
historical food diaries.
230
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,744
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
Was that boring?
231
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:33,046
I thought it was a little more
interesting than tongue rashes.
232
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,281
I don't know, though.
233
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,049
I think--
I think this one wins.
234
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,785
Maybe when you do it.
235
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:38,786
Oh, my god, wait.
236
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,222
Because you know what?
237
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,057
You might have poison ivy,
but I'm not sure.
238
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,760
I need to take a little bit
of a closer peek.
239
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,095
- Mom!
240
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,564
I cut my nostril
with the nose hair scissors.
241
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,065
There's blood.
242
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,602
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I should go help him.
243
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,269
I mean, the poor kid
has orange nose hairs.
244
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,772
If he doesn't stay on top
of it, he'll be crucified.
245
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,908
- Yeah.
- Um...
246
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:04,945
Thanks for coming by.
247
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,780
- Oh, okay.
248
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:07,781
I should go.
249
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,317
- All right.
250
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:13,086
- I sneezed on the guest towel.
251
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,222
I think it's totaled.
252
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:16,757
- Sorry.
- Nah, it's okay.
253
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,158
- Um, have a good night.
254
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,760
- Yeah, you too.
I'll see myself out.
255
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,194
It's cool.
- Okay.
256
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,339
- Go.
257
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,643
Sara Baker, sophomore,
volleyball, peanut allergy.
258
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,044
- Exacta-lootly!
259
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,946
crowd: Bring back our back!
260
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,380
Bring back our back!
261
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,316
- Is that pregnant mouse
in the water fountain again?
262
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,053
- Please, just let her have her
babies in there, Ralph.
263
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,656
She's old!
264
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,658
all: Bring back our back!
265
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,793
Bring back our back!
266
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,061
Bring back our back!
267
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,062
- You got to...
all: Bring back our back!
268
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,630
- Hey, please!
269
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,131
You're gonna interrupt classes,
all right?
270
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,166
Ladies and...
271
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,401
Coach.
- Good.
272
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,704
The school needs to know
that you hate art.
273
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:04,805
- Yeah, you hate it.
274
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:05,873
- I don't hate art.
275
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,207
The--the parents thought
276
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,776
that the back drawing
was gateway nudity.
277
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,210
And when you think about it,
the back is
278
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,945
around the corner
from the boobs,
279
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,881
and then you make a right turn,
and you're at the butt.
280
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:17,350
- Sounds like Ralph is thinking
a lot about boobs and butts.
281
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:20,287
- Right, while we're out here
fighting for art.
282
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,756
Is this a school
or a dictatorship,
283
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,991
Chairman Mralph?
284
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,026
all: Chairman Mralph!
- All right.
285
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,795
all: Chairman Mralph!
- Guys, Chairman Mralph!
286
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,162
- Guys, guys, "Chairman Mralph"
287
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,264
is a little bit of a stretch,
okay?
288
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,034
I'm gonna fix this, all right?
289
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,235
all: Chairman Mralph!
- Okay, fix it.
290
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,304
all: Chairman Mralph!
291
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,141
- I'm sweating so hard,
I think I'm gonna pass out.
292
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,976
- Well,
then lose the turtleneck.
293
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,211
- I can't.
294
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,979
And I don't want to
talk about it!
295
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,781
all: Chairman Mralph!
296
00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:49,082
Chairman Mralph!
297
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,754
- Oh.
You're here!
298
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,724
I mocked up an incriminating
photo to send to Lisa Loeb.
299
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,860
It's Miles licking
Alanis Morissette's neck.
300
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,128
- Wow, Anthony, that--
301
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,162
You're an artist.
302
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,163
Go for it.
Get it done.
303
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,264
Hey, Colin.
304
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,432
You know, I was just thinking--
305
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:06,366
I'm so curious.
306
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,936
Did you happen to
bang your mom last night?
307
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,804
Because I sure as hell didn't.
308
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,905
- No.
- Wait.
309
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,206
Are you dating Colin's mom?
310
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,142
Isn't that
a conflict of interest?
311
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,810
- Are you gonna start
giving him extra credit
312
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,345
because you're doing his mom?
- He's not doing my mom.
313
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,747
- Yeah, because
you wouldn't leave us alone
314
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,948
long enough to do it.
315
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,282
By the way,
I want my 40 bucks back.
316
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,184
- I tried to leave you alone
and go to bed.
317
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,219
- Man, you blocked me
all night.
318
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,955
You brought out your saxophone.
319
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,289
You showed us how to stop
a ceiling fan with your hand.
320
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:30,958
That's not a cool trick.
321
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:34,027
- Mr. Griffin, have you ever
dated a single mom?
322
00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:35,362
- Uh, yeah, yeah, one time.
323
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:36,797
But she had a C-section,
so it was all good.
324
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,966
- You are a bad person.
325
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,300
- Yeah, I forget
you don't get jokes.
326
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,969
Tell your mom that one.
She'll love it.
327
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,170
- You know, the obvious way
to a single mom's heart
328
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,471
is through her child.
329
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,874
- You should have
shown Colin some love.
330
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,309
- Yeah, she would have
popped off on you, boss.
331
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,278
- Okay, look, guys.
332
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,345
Let's get one thing straight.
333
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:53,446
This isn't one of those cheesy
334
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,382
"Jerry Maguire" type situations
335
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,818
where I win the mom
by falling in love
336
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:58,919
with the freaky looking kid.
337
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,253
- Fine.
338
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,522
Then it's bye-bye Trish.
339
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,457
- All right, shut up, Marcus.
Shut up. Let me think.
340
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,994
Okay, we need to make a pros
and cons list.
341
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,195
Yeah.
That's what we'll do.
342
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,429
Victor, go to the board.
343
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,465
On the pro side,
she's, uh...
344
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,134
well, gorgeous.
345
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,136
Smart.
346
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,338
She's funny.
Talented.
347
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,874
And on the con side--
well, really--
348
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,076
really, it's just Colin.
349
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:26,346
I mean, I really hate
the Colin part.
350
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,548
- Yeah, if you become
Colin's dad,
351
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,183
he'll probably be
the last face you see
352
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,852
as you take your dying breath.
353
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:34,221
- I know, but I just can't stop
thinking about her.
354
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,924
She's probably chilling
in a bath tub right now.
355
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,091
- She's at work.
356
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,526
- Let me ask you a question.
357
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,329
Does Colin's mom
give you butterflies?
358
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:46,834
Hell yes, Anthony.
359
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,002
- If it's legit
tummy butterflies,
360
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:52,405
then isn't it worth
being Colin's fake dad?
361
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,909
- Yes.
362
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:56,944
Yes!
363
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,245
Yes, you guys, it is!
364
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,047
I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna go for it.
365
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,849
I'm crushing hard
on Colin's mom.
366
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:02,950
Yeah.
All right, yeah, man.
367
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,117
Let's do it, Colin.
368
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:05,385
What's up, man?
You want to--
369
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,519
Wait, you want to play catch?
- No.
370
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,555
But I do need to build a rocket
371
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,390
for the father/son
rocket launch.
372
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:11,959
God, I hate that name.
373
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,593
Father/son rocket launch?
But, yeah, I'll do it.
374
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,963
I'll do it, yeah.
Let's build a rocket together.
375
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:16,964
I'm gonna suffer through it.
376
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,298
I'm frickin' enamored!
377
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,933
Whoo!
378
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:20,968
Yeah!
379
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,302
I must have her!
380
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:30,010
.
381
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,011
- Students must disperse
from the lobby
382
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:33,847
and go back to their classes.
383
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:35,282
- I gotta know
what's under that turtleneck.
384
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,551
- I have an embarrassing
back tattoo.
385
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,456
Wait, those are
your husband's initials.
386
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,858
Michelle loves Keith Jones.
387
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,526
Why is that embarrassing?
388
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,395
- I got it before I met Keith.
389
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,263
It stands for Kendall Jackson.
390
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,932
The chardonnay?
391
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,533
Please don't tell him
I have a tattoo.
392
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,534
He hates chardonnay.
393
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,635
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
394
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,038
Keith has never seen your back,
395
00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,006
ever?
396
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,607
I mean, what about bikinis?
397
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,310
I mean, are we just gonna
bring up anything now?
398
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,411
What about lawn mowers?
399
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,412
- No. No.
- Okay, everybody,
400
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:06,613
you know what to do.
401
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,216
You got to be the back to...
402
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,483
all: Free the back!
403
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,953
Backs aren't bad,
and that's a fact.
404
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,221
You got to be--
- Okay, everyone.
405
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,357
I've heard your cries
for justice.
406
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,326
And I think I found a solution
407
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,995
that will please all sides.
408
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,172
- That's body-shaming!
409
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,341
all: Body-shamer!
410
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,575
Body-shamer!
411
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,177
Body-shamer!
412
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,111
Body-shamer!
413
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:40,513
Body-shamer!
- Get him!
414
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,183
all: Body-shamer!
- Don't let him get away!
415
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,286
- All right,
now we gotta make sure
416
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,922
we glue these fins on
perfectly straight.
417
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,391
It's the only way to humiliate
all those other rockets.
418
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,592
- Hey, guys.
419
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,661
Just baked these for you.
420
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,396
Be careful.
Don't burn your mouths.
421
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,267
- He's doing most of it.
422
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,701
- Oh, no, that's not true.
No.
423
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,070
I was actually
just teaching Colin here
424
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,505
the value of two-part epoxy.
425
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,074
- Oh.
- Yeah.
426
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,108
Yeah, you got
a real special guy
427
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:11,111
on your hands here, Trish.
428
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:12,479
I love him.
429
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,181
I love your son.
430
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,415
- Okay.
431
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,950
Oh, uh, Col,
432
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:18,285
your dad said
that you called this morning
433
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,552
to ask him to bring by
his bike pump today,
434
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,489
but he can't do it.
435
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:25,258
Dang it!
- Whoa!
436
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,693
Dude, what are you doing, man?
Watch the rocket.
437
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,295
- I don't care
about the dumb rocket.
438
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,163
I wanted my dad to come here,
see me and you
439
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:32,165
building this thing
and get super jealous.
440
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:33,700
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
441
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:35,368
You were using me?
442
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,603
I was just using you.
443
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:39,272
- Yeah, I was,
but it didn't work.
444
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,974
Now get!
445
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,642
- Did you just tell me
to "get"?
446
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,150
I said, "Get!"
447
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,351
- No, I'm not gonna "get!"
448
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:52,652
We're sticking to the plan,
449
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,087
and we're building
this stupid rocket
450
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,388
and your mom's
gonna pop off on me.
451
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,690
- No, no, no, no.
452
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,226
Dude, that's not even
my expression.
453
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,493
That's, like,
something I heard, like,
454
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,494
one of the girls
in my class say.
455
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:03,463
- That's so much worse.
456
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,597
- Yeah, that--
that sounded bad.
457
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:05,999
No. No, no.
Honestly, Trish.
458
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,134
That's not how I feel
about you.
459
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,701
- You heard the lady, Jack.
460
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,103
Get.
- Oh, my god.
461
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,404
What is this "get" business?
No.
462
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,006
Look, okay, Trish,
I'm tired of this.
463
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,307
You gotta choose.
464
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,276
Either him or me.
465
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,011
Him!
466
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,346
Obviously him!
467
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,480
- Aww!
468
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,681
Come on. Real
469
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:22,715
- Get!
470
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:23,783
Fine.
471
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,385
I'm taking my two-part epoxy.
472
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,255
- Oh, my god.
473
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:32,059
.
474
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:32,792
all: Shame on you!
Shame on you!
475
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,795
Shame on you!
476
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,730
Shame on you!
477
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,332
Shame on you!
478
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,600
Shame on you!
479
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,036
- Have you all
lost your damn minds?
480
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,637
A Durbin piñata?
481
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,406
Okay, you guys took it
way too far.
482
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,108
Everybody, go back to class!
483
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,509
Oh, my kingdom.
484
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,179
What happened to my kingdom?
485
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,546
- I'll tell you what happened.
486
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,115
You used to be a cool-ass king,
487
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,516
but now you're wack as hell.
488
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,451
I shut down the protest, Ralph.
489
00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,686
'Cause I have your back,
490
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,323
even though
you didn't have mine.
491
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,757
- That's an incredible
likeness.
492
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,327
- We just finished
the papier-mâché unit.
493
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,129
I'm a good teacher, Ralph.
494
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,098
- I know.
You're--you're the best.
495
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,632
I should have supported you.
496
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:14,634
But I pussed out in front of
all those parents.
497
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,336
I
You know what?
498
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,770
I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
499
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:23,543
To make up for it,
I am gonna put this right here.
500
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:28,281
So that your beautiful,
strong, sexy,
501
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,550
brave, empowered back
will watch over
502
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:34,487
every move I make
as king of this high school.
503
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:37,124
- Okay.
Now you're making this weird.
504
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,392
This is art.
505
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,528
Look at the supple
shoulder blades.
506
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,696
The voluptuous spine.
507
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,198
I'm taking this.
508
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,466
You can't be trusted.
509
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,834
You want it too bad.
510
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,204
Dirty Durbs
trying to peep my back?
511
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,672
No, please.
512
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,809
- All right, guys.
513
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:57,810
Grade update.
514
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,512
Everybody's got an A
515
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,514
except for Colin, who has an F.
516
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,883
- You're just mad because
my mom won't give you an F.
517
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,885
class: Ooh!
518
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,387
Oh, we're doing "Oohs" now?
519
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,588
Huh?
Is that gonna be a thing?
520
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:10,557
- What's the real reason
you're mad?
521
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,892
- He's just mad
'cause his dad sucks.
522
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,194
News flash, Colin:
523
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,462
All dads suck.
524
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,364
Okay?
All they do is yell at the TV
525
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,465
and burp loudly while talking
526
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,732
and forget to take you fishing
527
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,368
every single Saturday
for six months
528
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,436
even though you bought
ice fishing boots
529
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,437
with your birthday money.
530
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,306
Dads are full idiots!
531
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,741
- That hurt runs deep, y'all.
532
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,712
- It's a male leotard
533
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,747
for a protest
that's now over.
534
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,284
Does anyone have an XL cardigan
or a shawl?
535
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:40,453
- The point is, Colin,
nobody likes dads, all right?
536
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,289
Class, raise your hand
if you like your dad.
537
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,856
- Yeah.
- He's my hero.
538
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,825
- I love my dad even though he
restricts my Internet access.
539
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:50,197
- Oh, yeah.
My mom's the problem.
540
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:52,899
- I guess we're the only ones
with bad dads.
541
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,208
*
542
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:07,480
- All right.
543
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,782
Now, if you hit the ball
just right,
544
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,284
you should hit
one of the rockets
545
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,919
and cause a domino effect.
546
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,489
- My mom would probably
think this is cool of you.
547
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:18,791
- Yeah, well,
this isn't about her.
548
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,860
All right, go ahead
and line up your shot.
549
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:21,861
Go ahead.
550
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,864
A little bit wider
on your stance there, bud.
551
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,433
Good.
552
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,301
All right.
553
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,936
Give it a blast.
554
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,274
- I missed it.
555
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:35,608
- Okay.
Uh...
556
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,710
Well, look, man.
It had a lot of power on it.
557
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,746
I certainly felt the wind.
558
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,248
Here.
Let me--let me give it a whirl.
559
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:43,750
Let's see what we got here.
560
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:44,951
All right.
561
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:57,864
- Oh!
562
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,332
Ooh!
563
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,600
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
564
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:01,734
What are you doing, man?
565
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:02,902
What are you doing?
Come on.
566
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:05,405
- I see them!
567
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,440
Up there!
- Get 'em!
568
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,744
- Good morning, Lisa Loeb,
my little snuggle bug.
569
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:17,884
- That's not me.
570
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,486
- Read the caption.
571
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,621
- "Nothing better
than a quick neck lick
572
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,556
in a DQ parking lot."
573
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:25,825
Is that where you take
574
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:28,495
all your musician girlfriends,
Miles?
575
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,430
Alanis Morissette!
576
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,369
- No, no.
Not my Michelle Obama...
577
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,570
Commemorative plate.
578
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,339
Ah, that's expensive.
579
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:43,576
You missed one, baby.
580
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,679
- No, no, no, no.
581
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:47,680
Don't do that.
You'll put your back out.
582
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:48,681
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
583
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:50,049
That--that is not real.
584
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:53,320
That is some exceptionally good
photo doctoring,
585
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:54,654
but it's not real.
586
00:20:54,687 --> 00:21:00,026
This, this heat, this fire,
all this mess:
587
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:02,395
this, this is real.
588
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,331
- I hate you.
- Good.
589
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:07,900
Because you can't hate what you
don't love.
590
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,538
Huh?
591
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:12,539
- All right.
592
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:13,873
- Yeah.
593
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,908
[intro to Lisa Loeb's "Stay"
plays]
40609
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