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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:01,435
.
2
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:17,017
- Hey, watch out!
3
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,322
Are you crazy?
You almost killed me!
4
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,159
- Yeah, so sorry to scare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
5
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,627
Where you going?
6
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,262
I thought you wanted to talk.
7
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,497
Huh, you were talking
before, man.
8
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,599
What happened?
9
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,340
- All right, everybody,
let's go ahead
10
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,209
and start to shut up now.
11
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,611
Let's go ahead and start
to settle into your seats
12
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,347
and begin shutting
your mouths.
13
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,250
All rights, so my name--
14
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,462
My name's Jack Griffin.
15
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,435
And I don't wanna be here.
16
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,370
I am an award-winning
philosophy scholar,
17
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,105
who for reasons
I won't go in to
18
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:12,606
finds himself
with a free year.
19
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,676
So I'm living in my dead mom's
apartment here in Toledo
20
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:19,380
while killing a little bit
of time teaching...
21
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,316
Advanced Placement Biology.
22
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,419
But here's the deal,
I do not care about biology.
23
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:26,887
We're not gonna do
any biology in here.
24
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,322
And to be perfectly clear,
25
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,523
this won't be
one of those things
26
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,225
where over the course
of a year
27
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,494
I secretly teach it to you.
28
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,329
This also won't be
one of those things
29
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:37,598
where I end up learning
more from you
30
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,500
than you do from me.
31
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,335
I know more than
all of you combined,
32
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,704
so, ha, that doesn't
make any sense.
33
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,539
I'm gonna spend
the majority of my time
34
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,142
mentally breaking my nemesis
35
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,911
with the ultimate goal
of taking his job
36
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,680
as the head of
Stanford Philosophy
37
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:55,216
and then I'm gonna have sex
with as many women
38
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:59,153
as I possibly can throughout
the entire state of California.
39
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:02,156
But you don't need to concern
yourselves with that.
40
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,924
Uh, let's see.
41
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,693
Feel like I might be
forgetting something.
42
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,328
"Mentally breaking my nemesis,
43
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,529
sex with every woman
in California."
44
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,398
No, that was it.
45
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:12,600
Welcome to AP Bio.
46
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,435
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
47
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,270
- One, two, three, four!
48
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,539
- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *
49
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,409
* Next time
well I'll be smart *
50
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:28,482
*
51
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:34,322
- Absolute garbage.
52
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,723
Put 'em down.
53
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,525
Look, I realize you guys
are all nerds
54
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,493
and you want good GPAs,
all right?
55
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,928
Is that what's going on here?
56
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,596
I'll make you a deal.
57
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,432
If you tell anybody
I'm not teaching you biology,
58
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:46,200
you get an F.
59
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,435
If you keep your mouth shut,
you get an A-plus.
60
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,569
Look at it this way.
61
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,571
You guys are all tired teens.
62
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,540
This is gonna be your
opportunity to take a nap.
63
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,576
And if you're not tired,
64
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,611
pop an Advil PM,
65
00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,413
and you will be out,
trust me.
66
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:00,981
What are you doing?
Come on, put your hand down.
67
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,516
I'm serious.
68
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,751
You're months away
from being an adult,
69
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,319
and you need to start
acting like one.
70
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,454
Just talk.
71
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,389
- My name is Sarika Sarkar,
72
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,524
and I speak on behalf
of the entire student body
73
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,993
when I express
our extreme displeasure
74
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,562
in you not teaching us
biology.
75
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,297
- I'm sorry, could you
say it again?
76
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,765
- I believe I speak
on behalf--
77
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,267
- No, no, not that junk.
78
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,568
Your name.
79
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,703
- Oh, Sarika Sarkar.
80
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,339
- That's a great name.
81
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,708
I love the philosopher
Prabhat Sarkar.
82
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:31,645
The entire universe exists
within the cosmic mind.
83
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,014
What are you guys doing?
Don't write that down.
84
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,517
That's not me
teaching you stuff.
85
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,486
Who's this prince of darkness?
86
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,787
This your book?
87
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,523
So?
88
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,327
I think you're in trouble.
89
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,695
- Could we, uh--
90
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:50,331
could I talk to you
out here for a second?
91
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,632
- Uh-huh.
92
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,803
*
93
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,705
Could I get a new chair?
94
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,040
- A new cha--well, I don't
know if that's in our budget.
95
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,309
- It's fine, forget it.
- Okay.
96
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,310
- Forget it.
What's up?
97
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,578
Um...
98
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,580
Is it laundry day or...
99
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,482
- What's that
supposed to mean, man?
100
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,484
- I probably
forgot to tell you,
101
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:12,620
we sort of have a bit
of a dress code here, so...
102
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,722
- Hey, look, Ralph,
I want to wear sweatpants.
103
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,624
You want to say
that your school's got
104
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,492
a former Harvard professor
teaching at it, right?
105
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,361
Looks good for your school,
right?
106
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,062
- Okay, please, I wasn't trying
to be aggressive here.
107
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,332
- Right, but what you said
to me right now, it sucked.
108
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,866
- Okay.
- You know, the worst part is
109
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,601
I was starting
to like you, man.
110
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:29,470
You know, like in a buds
who get drinks once a week
111
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:30,504
kind of a way.
112
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:31,839
- Well, that's--that's us.
113
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,041
We could still do that.
- I don't know.
114
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,509
- I--you know what,
I think you're just
115
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:36,777
blowing this thing
out of proportion.
116
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,446
Because I'm
a laidback principal.
117
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,813
You know, they make me
wear this suit.
118
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,515
I don't want to dress
this sharp every day,
119
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:43,651
but I have to 'cause
I'm an authority figure,
120
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,753
but I'm still laidback,
and you're gonna see that.
121
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,788
- You know what,
122
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,590
let's forget
the whole thing.
123
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,791
Come here.
- All right, I--I--
124
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,561
- Come here.
125
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,095
That's my guy.
126
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,897
- Do you still wanna
get that beer tonight or--
127
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,799
- No. No, no, no.
128
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,901
See, I'm trying to make a plan
to bang my high school ex
129
00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,736
as hard as I can,
you know what I'm saying?
130
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,672
- Let's use our hallway voice
when we talk about that.
131
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,374
- Yes, I'm trying
to set that up.
132
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,576
- All right.
Okay.
133
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:11,345
All right.
134
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,846
You wrecked the sign.
135
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,416
That's why I came here to--
136
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,818
It's too late, Ralph,
It's too late.
137
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,654
Uh, let's see a hall pass.
138
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:23,624
You were holding it, okay.
139
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,696
- * I am a pilgrim
140
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,698
* And a stranger
141
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:33,601
* Travelling through
142
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,671
* I am a pilgrim
143
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:42,109
* And a stranger
144
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:45,713
* Travelling through
145
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,715
* This weary land
146
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,882
- Hello.
147
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,584
- Miles, it's Jack.
148
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,720
- Jack, greetings
from California.
149
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,655
- Yeah, I heard you got
the Stanford job.
150
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,391
Also, congrats on the new book
making the bestseller list.
151
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,393
I'm sure you'll keep
killing everything,
152
00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:01,795
barring some sort
of mental collapse.
153
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:04,698
Hey, look, I think
forcing you out of Harvard
154
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,600
was an overreaction.
155
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,536
I'm sure there's tons of
schools dying to snag you.
156
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,471
- Yeah, no, big time.
157
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,573
Yeah, I'm just kind of
weighing all my options.
158
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,874
Look, Miles, I gotta run.
159
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,609
- Okay.
All right, mate.
160
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:18,779
Hey, listen, next time
you're out west, okay?
161
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:19,947
Jack?
162
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,620
- Didn't drop at all.
163
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:30,791
- * Well I got a home in
164
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,727
* That yonder city
165
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,563
* My lord
166
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,465
* And it's not
167
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:38,999
* Good lordy well it's not
168
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:44,938
.
169
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:45,673
- Yo, that's
a nice backpack, freak.
170
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,776
Give me your backpack, psycho.
171
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,644
Hey, did you hear me?
172
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:51,879
You deaf or something?
Give me your back--
173
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:52,946
Where you going?
174
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,782
Where you going?
Come here.
175
00:06:57,818 --> 00:06:59,887
*
176
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,794
So then my date
shows up to my house
177
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,696
in a soaking wet T-shirt,
178
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,764
talking about something
he just got out of the bath.
179
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,667
- Now what kinda grown baby man
still takes baths?
180
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,202
- See, that's what I said.
It's like, who is this?
181
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,471
- My husband takes baths.
182
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:18,806
- Yeah.
- Okay.
183
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:21,675
Okay, so anyway,
the date was at a full medium,
184
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:25,479
and he has the nerve to
text me, like, ten minutes ago,
185
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,947
talking about some,
"Do a butt pic."
186
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,816
- Okay, he sounds like a jerk.
187
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,951
But do you want us to take
a pic of your butt?
188
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,553
- No, no, no, no, 'cause see,
this is how I do it.
189
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:33,821
Okay, so now
the dumb ones don't know
190
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,222
that this is an arm butt.
191
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:36,957
- Hmm.
- So then I take this.
192
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,560
And I just go ahead
and just line that up.
193
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,495
Let that focus a little bit.
194
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,063
There we go.
Little juicy cheeks.
195
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,698
- That looks like a crack.
- Juicy, okay.
196
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,634
- See the new guy
knows what's up.
197
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,602
From Harvard?
198
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:49,737
- Yeah.
199
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,572
- Ooh, Harvard Jack.
200
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,574
All right, well, have you been
out on any dates lately?
201
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,909
- Funny you should ask,
I've actually got firm plans
202
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:59,580
to bang my high school ex
as hard as I can tonight, so...
203
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,950
- Oh, he's gonna bang her
as hard as he can tonight.
204
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,586
Not regular hard.
Aggressively hard.
205
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,588
- So it seems like you're
enjoying yourself here?
206
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,558
- God no. I'm teaching
high school in Toledo.
207
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,926
It's terrible.
208
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,062
- Anyways, guess what I'm
making the kids do
209
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,864
in my class today.
both: What?
210
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,899
- They have to draw
a flattering picture of me
211
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,734
and then give it
to their dads.
212
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:22,570
- Ooh, yes, you know
what I tell my kids.
213
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,737
Okay, 'cause you know
how we're learning
214
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,272
about recycling, right?
- Mm-hmm.
215
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,607
- I just made them
clean the trash
216
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,875
out the backseat of my car.
217
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,877
Snatch that plastic
and recycle it.
218
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,745
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
219
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,013
Are you saying we can make
the kids do whatever we want?
220
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:36,316
- Mm-hmm.
both: Yeah.
221
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:41,054
- This better work.
- Always does.
222
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,756
- All right, everybody,
223
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:44,057
go ahead and start
to shut your mouths.
224
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,793
Settle into your chairs.
225
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,095
Oh, oh, God!
226
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,030
This chair sucks.
227
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,899
Okay, listen up.
228
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,635
- No, you listen up.
229
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,670
- * You don't wanna
teach us biology *
230
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:59,607
- * And we know you used
to teach philosophy *
231
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,074
- * Well we think biology--
232
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,743
- Whoa, whoa, shut up,
shut up, shut up, no, no, no.
233
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,678
Stop. Turn the music off.
Turn it off.
234
00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:05,913
- * Oh yeah
235
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,817
- Take your seats.
What are you, nuts?
236
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,785
Don't ever surprise me
with a rap.
237
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,721
Don't ever rap about learning.
238
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,023
- Oh, boy.
239
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,961
- Oh, no.
240
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,030
You had a saxophone solo
in your rap?
241
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,832
Yeah.
That's too bad.
242
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:28,168
Why don't you come on
out of there, big guy.
243
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,738
Wanna toss that puppy
in the trash for me?
244
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,806
- Yeah.
- Good.
245
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,809
Saxophones do not belong
in rap music.
246
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:39,713
You were gonna
make it rain, huh?
247
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,883
Wet notebooks
part of the rap thing?
248
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,084
- No.
249
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:50,023
- All right.
250
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,092
Now look,
I realize I haven't been
251
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,127
making the most of your time,
but that is gonna
252
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,129
start to change
as of right now.
253
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,098
As I mentioned,
I've been trying to mentally
254
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,668
break my nemesis,
Miles Leonard.
255
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,803
He currently has the job
that is rightfully mine,
256
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,071
and I want it back.
257
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,806
He seems to be winning
at the moment,
258
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,708
but by the time
we're done with him,
259
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,843
he's gonna be in a loony bin
begging for death.
260
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,645
- Don't you think you'd
have a better chance
261
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,080
of getting the job
if you focused on working hard
262
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,115
as opposed to trying
to make him go crazy?
263
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,750
- No, you see my actions
are justified
264
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,819
because they produce
a better outcome
265
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,821
than any other action
in this particular case.
266
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,155
It's a basic philosophy,
267
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,725
act utilitarianism,
Jeremy Bentham.
268
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,226
Stop writing that down.
269
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:29,429
Now I happen to know that
Miles is currently single.
270
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,133
So your assignment
for today is to catfish him
271
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,836
on his Facebook page.
272
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,240
What are you guys waiting for?
Catfish!
273
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,009
Write a flirty
Facebook message,
274
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,844
you know, using a fake name.
275
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,979
You call yourself,
like, Linda,
276
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,815
and we'll send the best one
to Miles.
277
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,016
All right, look, at this point
you guys should all be
278
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:57,758
.
279
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:58,458
- So if you Google
Jack Griffin,
280
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,395
the first ten results
are this video.
281
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:06,199
- "Old dude handles
slightly less old dude."
282
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,738
- Whoa.
283
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,875
Okay, everybody,
begin to shut up.
284
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,443
Let's everyone
shut your mouths now
285
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,345
and settle into your chairs.
286
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:21,915
All right, let's hear some
of these catfish messages.
287
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,217
You wanna start?
- Please no.
288
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,853
- All right.
Prince of Darkness,
289
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,287
I see you working
on something over there.
290
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,822
What you got?
291
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,759
- "Dear Miles, you don't
know me but you will.
292
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:35,729
"We will marry under the black
sun of Satan's breath.
293
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,364
"I'll be the final face
you see
294
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,266
"as I wrap my hands
around your neck
295
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,735
and suck your soul
into my mouth."
296
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:44,304
- Wow, somebody alert
the authorities.
297
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,373
You know what I mean?
298
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,241
No, I'm kidding, I'm joking.
It's great, really.
299
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,143
It's very descriptive.
300
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:53,246
You know, maybe just make it
a little bit more, uh, female.
301
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,484
You know?
All right, you.
302
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,353
I want to hear something
from you.
303
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,358
- "Hey, boy, you're--"
- Louder.
304
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,294
- "Hey, boy, you're smooth
305
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,429
"like butter dripping
off of chocolate.
306
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,298
"Gonna lick you up and down.
307
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,767
"Drip, slurp, yum.
308
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:17,270
Give me that sweet
wet sugar mess."
309
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:19,406
- Hmm, no.
Let's do keep in mind
310
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,408
that this will be
the first message
311
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:24,277
that Miles will be hearing
from a total stranger,
312
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:27,180
but, you know,
it's a great start.
313
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,348
Good.
314
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,150
- Mr. Griffin.
- Oh!
315
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,551
Ralph, you snuck up on me.
316
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,788
- Yeah, uh, I put in
your request for the new chair,
317
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:36,523
and so that's in front
of the board now.
318
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,425
- Okay, great, well, let me
know how they vote, all right?
319
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,493
- Oh, absolutely.
320
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:43,964
- Yeah, we're in the middle
of it. Take care now.
321
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,833
Whoa, look at the Prince of D
going strong over there.
322
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,367
Give us another snippet.
323
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,169
- "And fire and blood
will pour from my eyes
324
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,404
"as I gaze upon
your ravaged body.
325
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,808
By the way,
I am a female demon."
326
00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:57,577
- I see a lot of myself in you.
You are going places, Devin.
327
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,013
You guys are pretty good
at this. You having fun?
328
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,015
all: Yeah.
329
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,989
"Dear Miles,
330
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,258
"I want to make you blush,
make you feel safe.
331
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,294
"I want to lay next to you
and laugh until we cry.
332
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,464
"I want to grow old together,
and when we're old we'll say,
333
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,933
'I don't mind
because I have you.'"
334
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,271
- That's what
I'm talking about, guys.
335
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,840
Give it up, give it up.
336
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:28,976
All right, let's go home.
337
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,845
- But we have other classes.
338
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,380
- All right, whatever.
339
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,549
So that pretty much
catches you up to speed
340
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,518
on what I've been up to
since we broke up.
341
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,621
- Um, you skipped
a part, Jack.
342
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,959
- Well, I heard that you
got passed up for tenure,
343
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,295
and now no university
will touch you.
344
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,363
I also heard
that a very old guy
345
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,632
got you in some
kind of a choke hold.
346
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,402
That's the juicy part.
347
00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:01,641
What do you say we go back
to your place after this?
348
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,877
- My boyfriend is finishing
349
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,879
his rounds in an hour
at the hospital,
350
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,515
and I'm gonna actually
meet up with him.
351
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,884
- You should.
Yeah, no, that's, uh--
352
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,423
Damn it!
353
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:18,291
Ugh!
354
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,626
*
355
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,061
Oh, damn it!
356
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:24,064
God!
Agh!
357
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,404
- Okay, class, um,
358
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,407
Mr. Griffin is not
coming in today.
359
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,076
According to the note we got,
360
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:39,679
he has been put in prison,
361
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,550
but, quote, not for life.
362
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,318
Coach Novak.
363
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,087
- Textbooks out.
364
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,488
What?
365
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:51,091
- Welcome.
My name is Sarika Sarkar.
366
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,427
- Sarika Sarkar.
367
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,096
Like the philosopher.
368
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,131
- I'm gonna call you Sarah,
all right?
369
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,632
Can anyone tell me
where you're at?
370
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:02,369
- We are...
371
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,437
- Ten pushups.
372
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,339
- 20.
You owe me ten pushups
373
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,708
for every time you spoke
without raising your hand.
374
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,978
- Okay.
375
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:13,346
- What the hell
is this puddle?
376
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:16,950
Get a mop to dry that up
then go to the principal
377
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,552
and say you need
a Saturday detention.
378
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,990
Okay, bio-logy.
You with the glasses, read.
379
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,558
all: "The cell is
the basic structural--"
380
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,394
- All right, thanks, man.
I got it from here.
381
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,628
Appreciate it.
382
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,063
- Listen, I've never
begun a class
383
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,431
and not finished it before.
384
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,565
- Good for you.
385
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,967
- I go from bell to bell.
386
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:35,402
- It's cool, man.
387
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,736
I got it from here though,
seriously.
388
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,072
Okay, let me
catch you guys up.
389
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:42,409
So last night I found out
my nemesis Miles
390
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,411
got a MacArthur Genius Grant
391
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,613
just after my ex
turned my down for sex.
392
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,748
So I got angry,
I got very drunk,
393
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,684
and I went pee-pee on
the hospital where she works.
394
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,121
A police officer suggested
that I stop.
395
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:56,623
I suggested that he
pleasure me sexually.
396
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,691
He did not.
397
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:02,662
Instead, he hurt my arm,
and I went to jail.
398
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:07,534
So that catches you guys
up to speed.
399
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,537
Why don't we get back to work
on destroying Miles' sanity.
400
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:22,115
Yeah, hang on.
401
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,651
Hey, Ralph, Devin.
402
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,419
You guys hang out?
403
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:30,057
- No, Devin got himself
arrested earlier.
404
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:34,127
They got him on public
urination and resisting arrest.
405
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,463
No way,
they literally got me
406
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:37,764
for that same thing
last night.
407
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,132
It's quotas.
408
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:43,170
- Yeah, turns out Devin
went potty
409
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:47,174
on the house of a boy
who is bullying him.
410
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,209
- I was literally
telling the kids today
411
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,544
how I did
a very similar thing.
412
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,680
Ah.
413
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:57,584
.
414
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:58,251
- All right,
so this bully kid.
415
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,621
He's been throwing your
backpack in the water
416
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,056
and stuff like that
for how long?
417
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,424
- Um, maybe a year.
418
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,428
And you didn't know
any of this?
419
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:10,563
That doesn't look
great for you, bud.
420
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,599
But you know what,
421
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:15,135
I think we've all learned
a valuable lesson here,
422
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,470
and we can definitely
move on.
423
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,272
Ralph, give me one of those
big-ass hugs.
424
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,208
- No, I--no, I don't
want to hug right now.
425
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,344
I think you need to step up
and talk to him.
426
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,580
Any other principal would have
fired you and expelled you.
427
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,617
All right, but I'm laidback,
but right now
428
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,586
you two are making it
very hard for me
429
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,190
to be laidback!
430
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,625
- Very authoritative,
I like that.
431
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:40,260
I've not seen
that gear from you.
432
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,862
I like it.
- Thank you.
433
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,464
- Uh, listen, Ralph,
can you give Devin and I
434
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,867
a minute alone?
- Yes, yes, of course.
435
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,203
Oh, I'm going up?
- Give it a sec.
436
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:53,440
- Okay.
I did it.
437
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,442
All right, so look,
438
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,643
I haven't done
a lot of these talks.
439
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,545
I don't have kids.
440
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,180
I've always been pretty good
about using condoms, you know?
441
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,448
Even though I hate
the damn things.
442
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,283
You can't feel as much.
443
00:18:03,316 --> 00:18:05,185
All right, look,
here's the deal.
444
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:08,621
I want to be open and honest
with you kids in class, okay?
445
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,590
But if it's gonna start
getting us all in trouble,
446
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,359
then I'm gonna have
to start acting
447
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,194
like all the other teachers.
448
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,362
See what I'm saying?
449
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,497
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
450
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,499
So next time you're thinking
about, like, imitating me
451
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,635
or doing anything
extreme in general,
452
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,172
why don't you go ahead and
run it by me first, deal?
453
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,907
- Yeah.
454
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,243
- Great.
- Hey, I'm still up here!
455
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,645
Ready to come down.
This is gonna sound crazy.
456
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,481
I think I see a raccoon.
- No, there's--
457
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,583
It's not crazy.
There's one up there.
458
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,586
[The Modern Lovers'
"Government Center" plays]
459
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,322
*
460
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:45,758
- * Well we've got a lot a lot
a lot of hard work today *
461
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,396
* We gotta rock
at the government center *
462
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,631
- Now I'm wondering if
all the times
463
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,400
my husband sent me pictures
of his butt,
464
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,435
it was really his arm.
465
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,237
- Wait, your husband
sent you butt pics?
466
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:58,671
- Yeah.
467
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,507
- Okay, I don't wanna know.
- There's a muscle--
468
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,475
- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, look you.
469
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:04,544
- Big man in a big chair.
470
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,479
- Yeah, it's a massage chair.
471
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:07,680
- Hmm, well, I like it.
472
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,582
It's like nice, soft,
supple leather.
473
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,484
- Yeah, it's pretty comfy.
474
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,286
Listen, ladies, I have
a little bit of a school issue
475
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,521
that I could use
your help with.
476
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,256
What do you do
when one of the students
477
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,191
is bullying another one?
- Oh, oh, that's easy.
478
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,627
Okay, so you want to keep them
around each other constantly.
479
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,695
- Oh, yes, that totally works.
- Mm-hmm.
480
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:24,631
- That's actually
how we all became friends.
481
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,799
'Cause Stef and I would
bully Michelle, naturally,
482
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,801
and then Principal Durbin
started forcing us
483
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,437
to hang out with one another.
484
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:31,738
- Mm-hmm,
I would take one bite
485
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,573
out of all of her food
in the fridge.
486
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,575
- And I would sneak
a few bites as well.
487
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,210
- Yes, she did.
488
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,978
- Then one time
I set her purse on fire.
489
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,380
- Whoo.
490
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,614
- I lost a lot of cash.
491
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:42,782
I lost a hundred bucks.
492
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,484
- Hmm.
493
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,353
Well, so--so keep
the kids together?
494
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,587
- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.
495
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:48,988
Yeah, it's a little
unorthodox,
496
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,457
but that's actually
really smart.
497
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:51,691
- Oh, it's actually
really smart?
498
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:52,992
Wow, thank you
for believing in us.
499
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,327
- Okay, all right,
all right.
500
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:56,263
Come on,
that's not what I meant.
501
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,464
- We've all read a book, just
want to put that out there.
502
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:58,698
- Even Michelle.
- Yep.
503
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,433
- That's enough.
I gotta get to my class.
504
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:01,634
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
505
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:04,604
- You're welcome.
Be careful.
506
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,840
- Gonna give him
one more minute.
507
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,477
He'll be here or else.
508
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,513
- I don't know.
509
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,715
- All right, come on.
Get in there, you.
510
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:18,618
Go, go.
511
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,720
Hey, everybody.
What's up, Ralph?
512
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:24,324
This is Dan Decker.
I'm adding him to AP Bio.
513
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,792
- I don't wanna be--
- Shut up!
514
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,428
Go sit next to Devin, go.
You, can you--
515
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,630
Yeah, thanks.
Go, scoot.
516
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,565
- Does his guidance counselor
know about this?
517
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,634
- You're not the boss of me.
518
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,703
- That's literally
my job description.
519
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,841
- All right, listen up.
520
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,776
Some things are gonna
change around here big time.
521
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,478
None of you guys
are gonna pick on each other
522
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,280
or I'll kick your ass.
523
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:48,881
I will literally beat you up
with my adult muscles.
524
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,650
And if I go
and do something dumb,
525
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,619
that doesn't mean
you can go and do it too.
526
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,454
Now let me hear you
say that back.
527
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,289
- We can't pick on each other
528
00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:59,292
or else you'll beat us up
with your adult muscles and...
529
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:07,334
- ...just because you do
something dumb doesn't mean...
530
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,074
- "Drip, slurp, yum.
531
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:20,380
Give me that sweet
wet sugar mess."
532
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:22,315
Well hello, Linda.
38600
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