All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine s19e06 The Only Diesel Saxaphone in Captivity.eng

Good morning, lass. Fancy a game?

Not with you. Not even with a ball.

That's tha second worst failing -
tha never fancies a game!

What's the worst failing?
Them wrinkled stockings.

Looks like your legs are packed
in corrugated cardboard.

Don't you be talking about me legs!
Even me husband didn't talk about me legs! Well, he had his pigeons.

What are you doing dressed
like that? I'm kicking a ball about. Whatever for at your age?

I'm improving me fitness
so I'll be ready. Ready? For what?

To rescue thee from a fire,
from a mad molester, from all kinds of dangers!

That'll be the day when I need
rescuing by you! I think I'd sooner go down with the ship than that!

Listen, lass,
I'll be here...and ready!

Whoops!
I don't know me own strength!

I wish you'd get dressed.
I've got company coming! Company?

Mr and Mrs Helliwell
for a cup of tea.

Goatie Helliwell? What's tha doing
with Goatie Helliwell?

Mrs Helliwell is a friend of mine.

I don't know why tha's inviting him.
He's a pain in the a...!

Is that a saxophone?

Well, it's not
an elbow joint for a drainpipe.

Is it an expensive saxophone?
Yes, Barry, I would have to admit, it is expensive.

I thought it might be.
Once blown by Louis Armstrong, the great Satchmo himself.

I thought he played the trumpet.
Before he took up the trumpet.

I bet it's a really
expensive saxophone.

It comes with
free after-sales service and a beautiful carrying case.

A beautiful carrying case?
Oh, I've always wanted a saxophone!

What a coincidence! I've
always wanted someone who wanted a saxophone. Come inside, lad.

Well, I don't know
whether I ought to.

You could blow it for nothing.
For nothing?

Or something very close.

She said Helliwell.
I bet it's Goatie Helliwell.

Goatie Helliwell from school? Didn't
he grow up to be a pompous twit?

Unlike some of us who handle
our fame modestly. Says he modestly.

WHAT fame? Interpol
used to ask for me personally.

..That were Interflora!

Tha were never in CID.
Tha were in Lost Property.

Only to keep me quiet.
I was getting too close to Mr Big.

Mr Big!
Sounds like Goatie Helliwell.

Even at school he were a pompous
twit. But only a small pompous twit.

He was very unreliable with
a propelling pencil. I frequently had to disarm him in the playground.

Well, I'm going back to Nora's.
Somebody's got to keep an eye on that poor defenceless widow woman.

Defenceless?
She could terrify the SAS!

I'm going to see
if it's Goatie Helliwell!

SAXOPHONE BLOWS LOUDLY

It's too nice a day
to spend under a welly!

Indeed.
He could have wiped his welly.

He did. ..On me.

What are you going to do if
it is Goatie Helliwell? I'll think of something. I owe him something.

You're outclassed! He beat you at
everything...except looking scruffy.

Well, I were smaller then.

Down here, it doesn't feel
as though you've ever been small.

And I tell you something else, I
think your ferrets have been using your wellies. She's coming out!

Mr and Mrs Helliwell,
how nice of you to call! We're very busy, but we fitted you in.

Morris is very busy
with various charities.

I do a lot of good work
at considerable personal sacrifice.

Goatie Helliwell!

I see you live by the river.
Oh, yes, quite near the river.

Yes, that's the river all right.
I thought it was the river.

Morris is usually accurate
on questions of detail. Oh! Ah!

Oohh!

You were made for each other.
Old Satchmo would be pleased.

Can I have the carrying case
for free? ..You can, lad.

Oh, dear...there goes me supper.

But don't tell anybody. I don't want
them all to know I'm going senile.

Here we are. That's a carrying case?
For a saxophone?

Customised. Specially made
for this instrument. A breakthrough in saxophone-carrying technology.

I thought it would be a hard case.

Don't YOU be a hard case.
Hold that open.

This protects your instrument
from dust, keeps it polished

and has the added advantage of
nobody knows you've got a saxophone.

Ah! There is that, I suppose.

But you feel such a fool
with a limp ostrich.

You haven't a cheap raincoat, have
you? Funny you should say that...

Three teas, please, Ivy.

Why is Nora Batty getting involved
with Goatie Helliwell? What business is it of yours?

Listen, lass...
before he died, Wally said to me,

"Look after her. Keep an eye on her.
I give her to thee as a gift!" That's what he said.

How long before he died
did he say this?

About two weeks
after they were married. Oh!

If you must know, Mr Helliwell
is in charge of the ladies who volunteer to clean the parish church.

Nora wants to volunteer.
I'm not having Goatie Helliwell in charge of my Nora!

Is he qualified for such a large
responsibility? No way, Norm.

On a point of procedure, may I
enquire how you intend to stop him?

The way I always stopped him.

But you always lost.
I hate to be a wet blanket - but what are friends for? I'm older now.

And considerably more stupid.
Which reminds me, I must telephone the former Mrs Truelove.

What kind of a divorce is that?

Well, we've a lot of rows to finish.
I'll catch you in the pub later.

Cancel that tea.

Oh, Barry.
Barry, do come and join us.

Have you met Mrs Maybury?
I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Oh, you see how nicely spoken
they are in executive circles.

Mrs Maybury is the chairwoman
of the Women's Guild.

This is my son-in-law Barry,

who holds a very, very important
position in the building society.

You can't just walk up to the man
and challenge him.

Well, that's what we always did,
Goatie and me. But you were 11 then.

So, I'm 11 and a bit!

He might not recognise you. Suppose
he thinks you're asking for money?

Well, I'm there to challenge him.
Maybe afterwards I'll ask him for the money.

Will he accept challenges at
his age? He might just laugh at you.

Not if tha knows how to really get
him going. You know how, do you?

Always did. Well, come on -
the suspense is killing me. Tha'll find out.

Did she strike you as religious?

She had a picture of Cliff Richard.

Yes. I suppose that's close.

That's him!

Goatie Helliwell!

Do I know you?
Tha must know me, Goatie. Simmonite.

Who is this person?
Just leave this to me.

Tha must know me, Goatie. I'm sorry,
I have no change on me. Simmonite!

The wife never carries money.

Raced thee round the block.
Remember when tha just beat me climbing that tree?

Oh! THAT Simmonite!

And still wearing the same jersey!

Tha always were a bighead, Goatie.

No offence, missis, but he always
thought he had the fastest trolley.

I HAD the fastest trolley!
I shouldn't think he's the fastest at anything any more.

I'll have to go, dear. I don't like
leaving Mother near naked lights.

You heard that, Simmonite.
I can't stop.

I'll race thee round the block now.
Are you out of your mind?

Has tha forgotten something?
Supposing I tell everybody...?

What is it, dear?

And he thinks he's going to persuade
a grown man to race him round the block? Well, you know what he's like.

Insane. I was thinking more
along the lines of unrealistic, but insane is close.

He's never really learned to tailor
his ambitions to fit his ability. Look at Nora Batty.

No, YOU look at Nora Batty.

You'd better go and collect him.
He's had long enough to make a fool of himself. He doesn't need long.

I've heard of wishful thinking,

but to think he could get
someone connected with the church to go galloping round the streets...

You like the ladies.

That's why I married one, love.

Oh! A touch
of the silver tongue today.

I said,
you like being with the ladies.

I think it's because
there's no big rough rugby team locally for me to hang out with.

Course, I'd have to take
my pinny off first.

I can't help you with the rugby team,
but I can find you a nice part-time job that'll keep you with the ladies.

Oh! When do I start?
Soon as you like.

They're looking for cleaners
for the church.

But it's only females that do that!

You'll be with the ladies.

Really OLD ladies.

Maybe you can form
your own rugby team.

Mother, I never expected YOU today.

I never expected to be here either.
I think you'd better sit down.

What is it? Is something wrong?
Is it Barry?

Sit down.
It's my Barry! He's been injured!

Calm down. He has not been injured.

But it's time we had a talk. I'm
your mother, you can confide in me. ..Is Barry under stress?

He can't be.
He works for a building society!

Are you having any...
personal problems?

No, we're very happy.

Then, why is he carrying
a cuddly toy? I didn't know he had a cuddly toy!

Look, they're always up to something
each week that you don't know about.

Now, YOU have to start wondering
what it is they do each week that you don't know about!

I don't believe it! I don't believe
my Barry's got a cuddly toy!

He doesn't need a cuddly toy.
..He's got me!

I think I'd better sit down.

Tha's taking tha time, Goatie.

I'm not in practice like you. I've
led an altogether steadier life.

Than him?
Everybody's led a steadier life!

I think boredom is one of
the great achievements of evolution. I think Nora Batty is.

Will she make
a good church cleaner?

The best. But warn the vicar never
to forget to wipe his boots.

So...it was a draw, was it?
Definitely! Rubbish!

Close. Then, we'll have
to settle it some other way.

The question is, are you in better
condition for your steadier life

than he is for his life of excess?
Yes! Just look at him! You can see I'm in better condition!

We know he looks bad on the surface,
but that's only skin deep. Oh, Trudikins! I didn't know tha cared!

Did you see that? He squeezed
my hand. Holding hands with a policeman in public! Tha's retired.

Not as far as all that.
..I hope it doesn't turn septic.

Maybe he likes you.
I expect it's because you're tall.

I like him because he's got money.
How do you know I've got money?

Tha's going to buy the next round.
What about Goatie?

No. Goatie's a guest.
I am. I am a guest.

I bet I could beat thee at spending,
Goatie. I'll concede you that one.

I bet I could beat you
at climbing trees.

I like the confidence.
..I always think it's a sure sign of imbecility.

I can't go about in my position
climbing trees! No! And that's final!

I meant practically final.

I'll just go and get the drinks.

What's this mysterious power of
persuasion you've got over Goatie? It's uncanny.

I wish I had the same
over Nora Batty.

Why?
Would you want her to climb trees?

She'd look very striking up a tree.
..You won't tell us, will you?

Get me down!

It's usually cats.
We get lots of cats up the trees.

But senior citizens -
now, there's a novelty.

"Don't do it," I said.
I felt it my duty to warn them.

What are they doing up there,
anyway? Not very well.

They're old rivals
trying to settle an argument.

About who was the barmiest.
Looks like another draw.

How do you get them down?

Well, usually we shout,
"Kitty, kitty, kitty."

Barry, me old lad!
Congratulations, me old love.

So it's true. The missis said
it must be true. She said you were buying cuddly toys. But it's not...!

Any of my business. I know.
But I've waited so long for this!

Here you are, lad!
Isn't she a beauty?

A beauty! What is it? What is it?!
It's only the best kid's trolley for miles around.

In the whole country, I wouldn't
be surprised. Who's it for? For him.

Him? The one you bought
the cuddly toy for.

There's no him! All right, HER!

I've been making it for ages,
expecting you to come along and tell me I was going to be a granddad.

But you're not! Supposed to know!
I know all that, lad.

We'll keep it our secret.

I think
they both learnt something today.

That they're not as good as they
used to be. That they never were.

Let's face it, we're past it!

Just half past it. We got up
the tree. Down was the problem.

You'll never know who's the better
man. You'll have to call it a draw.

How do, lads.

You're a breath of spring(!)
If I'd wanted gloom, I could have stayed married.

You make your grandson a superb
trolley... I've put some hours into that trolley. Doesn't he like it?

I haven't got a grandson.
And it doesn't look as if I'm going to get one.

Tha's got a trolley?
The best trolley in the county.

Goatie, this bloke's got a trolley.

Here we go again.

There was a Mr Hewitt had a teddy
bear long after he was married.

They tried removing it,
but he just sulked in the corner.

They say he looked after it
exceptionally well.

He'd never take it out in inclement
weather. It wasn't a cuddly toy, it was a case for his saxophone.

Funny sort of case for a saxophone.

It stops the saxophone
getting scratched.

Sounds as if he's scratched to me.
What does he want with a saxophone?

He's always wanted a saxophone. You
let him have everything he wants?!

You have to be stronger
with them than that! It's for their own good.

I am strong with him. I said
he can't play it in the house. Where's he going to play it?

Outdoors. Till he gets better at it.

I think mine uses the same system.

I can imagine anyone thinking
they needed new curtains,

but fancy waking up one morning and
thinking, "I must have a saxophone."

Why did Mr Hewitt
have a teddy bear?

I think he found it more restful
than Mrs Hewitt.

She had a voice
you could open cans with.

Well, I'll keep mine away from
his cuddly toy for a while. I've volunteered him for church cleaning.

ALL: Church cleaning?!

We'll follow you in the Land Rover
to ensure fair play to the highest standard.

I think you were probably safer
up that tree.

Rubbish!
I'm in control of this thing.

I were always a natural at this.

I thought that was idleness.
And that.

Gifts in every direction.

Some of us just have it, Norm.

In the interest of safety,
if you hear any vehicle coming, just turn off onto the grass.

Let's have a good clean race.

Get on with it! ..He's got more
clatter than Marina's jewellery.

Right, you men, on my signal,
road traffic regulations will apply.

One...two...three...GO!

Wait for me! Wait for me!

What are you doing? I don't like
dangerous situations. I hate to watch. Ever since me nerves went.

Honeymoon? ..How did you guess?

She's going a bit!
I knew she was a great trolley!

Tha's had it this time, Goatie!
Rubbish!

HORN SOUNDS
Hey up! There's a lorry coming!

Why did they turn in to a field?
HORN SOUNDS

Good decision. They must have been
trying to avoid that lorry. HORN CROAKS

Not only plays like a lorry,
he's run over an ostrich! She won't let me play it indoors.

You should play the ostrich
and run over the saxophone.

Ah, I wish to welcome you all,
ladies.

And, of course, our newcomer. Have
I seen you with a tall young lady?

Not me, I was home at the time.

Mr Helliwell will be here
any moment to explain your duties.

This may be him now.
He's very reliable.

You'll be all right! Just don't
do any sharp cornering for a while. With either leg.

I'm sorry I fell on you. It's all
right. It meant I got there first.

Ah, yes, it is Mr Helliwell.

Call that reliable?

Well, look who he's been with!
And look who HE'S with!

Where have you been?
And look at you! Look at you!

Come on, sly boots. Tell us
what you had on Goatie. Nice bit of blackmail you kept working there.

I promised him I wouldn't tell.
A man's word is his bond.

For a pint.
Oh, all right - for a pint!

You held out well then. For a while,
I thought you were going to let him pull out all your fingernails.

For one pint then,
what's his dark secret?

I once caught him
under some mistletoe with Marina.

..Sounds harmless enough.

Harmless? Marina?

Oh, come on! Festive season.

It were July!

Oh, Marina.
Oh, Howard.

Oh, good grief!

Oh, Helliwell!

Fancy a lift, love? If only you
COULD offer a girl some transport!

Where's he going with
that young lady? ..Whoever she is.

I don't know,
but she's going downhill fast. You've dreamed of that day -

but you thought you'd be driving.

Subtitles by BBC Scotland - 1998

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0