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1
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:52,380
Yes, Howard?
2
00:00:57,620 --> 00:01:02,160
Whatever you want,
the answer is no!
3
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,240
I won't get involved with Marina!
4
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:13,620
If you're having some kind
of attack, why don't you go home and have it in comfort?
5
00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:20,380
Oh... Isn't that Pearl coming?
6
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:19,660
Tha's got a grip
like Desperate Dan!
7
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:25,420
Get them off! Suppose people think
that's MY standard of washing?!
8
00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:28,180
I think it goes deeper than that.
9
00:02:28,180 --> 00:02:31,000
I think what sets tha blood racing
10
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:36,940
is the sight of my lonely longjohns
on your widowed clothesline.
11
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:44,140
I've told you about this before!
Get 'em off! I've nowhere else to hang 'em!
12
00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:50,020
They want burning! I've told you
before! Why do you keep doing it?
13
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:55,520
Well, psychologicality-wise,
14
00:02:55,520 --> 00:03:00,620
I think it's me
markin' out me own territory.
15
00:03:00,620 --> 00:03:02,580
Oh, you...!
16
00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:24,220
Your jacket's bunching at the back.
17
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,720
It's what?!
18
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:33,320
When you lift your elbow to write,
your jacket lifts at the back.
19
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:40,740
You see, you ought to hold your pad
lower down, then your jacket will stay where it should be.
20
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,500
Is there something I can do for you?
21
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:50,040
You're wearing the Queen's uniform!
You don't want it riding up!
22
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,300
It's the COUNCIL's uniform!
23
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:58,420
It's still the Queen's! Haven't you
heard of a Queen's "counsel"?
24
00:03:59,780 --> 00:04:02,020
That's a lawyer!
25
00:04:03,540 --> 00:04:11,140
Are you sure? Sits on the Queen's
bench...probably so nobody will notice his jacket's riding up(!)
26
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,160
You're not fit to wear a uniform!
27
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:20,180
Even when behind enemy lines in
the jungle, I kept my uniform neat.
28
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:25,000
Well, it impressed the natives.
You should have heard them -
29
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,520
"Him big fine fella. Very smart.
30
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,200
"Same Montague Burton."
31
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,620
He's snapped!
32
00:04:44,620 --> 00:04:47,120
He's finally snapped!
33
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:57,480
What's so interesting?
I think you have a problem. Howard's acting strangely.
34
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,020
That's ALWAYS been his problem.
35
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,340
This time, I think he's snapped.
36
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:07,160
With Howard, it's so hard to tell.
37
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:54,360
How can anyone get their leg so high
without doing terrible damage?!
38
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:06,880
There it goes again,
riding up at the back.
39
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:12,320
You should sew some little weights
on the bottom to hold it down.
40
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:19,360
Is this your car I'm giving
a ticket to? I don't have a car.
41
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,320
Pity.
42
00:06:22,420 --> 00:06:28,820
I know yours isn't a REAL uniform,
but it should still be worn properly.
43
00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:33,560
People should take a pride
in their uniforms.
44
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:38,560
I don't expect you to have the same
pride as we trained killers, but...
45
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,340
You - a killer?!
46
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,560
Well, I don't like to talk about it,
47
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:51,700
but in the jungles of South East
Asia, I was known as The Iceman.
48
00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:56,280
Selling ice cream, were you?
49
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,580
Was that the uniform...Mr Softee(?)
50
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,620
Excuse me!
51
00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:10,360
Yes, I can see you're envious,
and I can understand why.
52
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:17,400
The most you can do
is write on a bit of paper and pop it under somebody's wipers.
53
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:22,020
WE were allowed to stick BAYONETS
in people.
54
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:29,560
A right bunch of lilies we'd
have looked popping a bit of paper under an enemy sentry's wipers!
55
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:49,160
Just half a cup of tea,
please, Ivy.
56
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:55,780
Ye Gods!
Are you going to drink it here or would you like it delivering(?)
57
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,500
Is your collar too tight?
58
00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:06,920
No, it's fi-i-ine.
59
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:11,220
It doesn't look it!
Your eyes are bulging out!
60
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:16,940
I wouldn't say bulging!
It's more like piercing.
61
00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:21,920
I'm learning how to hypnotise.
It's a way to have power over people.
62
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:25,640
You wouldn't believe it!
63
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:31,360
Comes in 'ere for half a cup o' tea,
and I'm supposed to be hypnotised!
64
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,500
I think Howard's in deep trouble.
65
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:41,580
He's got this weird expression.
His eyes have started bulging.
66
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,420
Sounds like a touch of the Marinas.
67
00:08:44,420 --> 00:08:49,540
You don't get decent diseases round
here. You get them in the jungle.
68
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:57,000
You could wake up fit as a flea,
but by lunchtime it was as though your body no longer belonged to you.
69
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,580
Who DID it belong to?
70
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:04,660
Well, it's not a good fit, whosever
it was. The legs are too long.
71
00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:09,240
Send it back
and get 'em to take it up.
72
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:15,420
Don't come back till you get your
eyeballs back where they belong!
73
00:09:15,420 --> 00:09:20,000
A catering establishment
does not need excessive eyeballs!
74
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:28,960
Howard, what's tha been up to?
Oh, just a bit of hypnotism.
75
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:34,240
Well, why didn't you say so?!
I thought it was blood pressure.
76
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:39,460
Him?! He'd need a transfusion
before he could have blood pressure.
77
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:46,720
I'm learning
to exercise power over people. Yeah, it looked like it(!)
78
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:52,120
But I don't think Ivy REALISED
you had this power over her.
79
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,680
Well, I haven't got it right yet.
80
00:09:55,540 --> 00:10:03,060
If tha wants power over women, lad,
it's not hypnotism, it's... # Animal magnetism! #
81
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:08,600
I've probably got that already.
I'd sooner have blood pressure!
82
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,520
Why do you want hypnotism anyway?
83
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:16,700
I was thinking
how convenient it might be
84
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:22,560
if I could just put Pearl to sleep
occasionally.
85
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,040
Strictly for medicinal purposes.
86
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,600
ALL:
Oh, aye(!)
87
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:42,380
He's obviously doing it wrong.
I daresay I could do it if I put me mind to it.
88
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:44,840
Aww! SHOP!
89
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:50,040
I used to look men in the eyes
and send them into battle.
90
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,260
That won't do the trick!
91
00:10:56,260 --> 00:11:01,440
Three - teas - please.
It's - your - tu-urn.
92
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,460
Three teas, please, Ivy.
93
00:11:30,539 --> 00:11:32,639
It could be done.
94
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,499
What?
95
00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:37,579
Hypnotism.
96
00:11:37,579 --> 00:11:43,479
Rubbish! No, it's not rubbish.
It's been used scientifically.
97
00:11:43,479 --> 00:11:49,859
It would have to be used
with extreme caution if you tried it on Pearl.
98
00:11:51,839 --> 00:11:59,339
Well, she's only human.
That's the nicest thing I've ever heard anyone say about Pearl!
99
00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:07,679
Maybe if I gave Howard some lessons.
Tha doesn't know if tha can do it yet!
100
00:12:09,079 --> 00:12:11,759
Right, we'll soon alter that.
101
00:12:17,639 --> 00:12:22,619
Right, who's going to volunteer?
I want someone to stand up
102
00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:25,239
and look me straight in the eye.
103
00:12:28,019 --> 00:12:34,439
Very well!
I shall have to demonstrate on the first person we meet.
104
00:12:36,759 --> 00:12:42,079
"First person we meet"? The first
person we meet that we KNOW.
105
00:12:42,079 --> 00:12:47,739
He's backin' out already! You can't
just look a stranger in the eye!
106
00:12:47,739 --> 00:12:55,639
I hate it when strangers look me
in the eye. Always reminds me how shabby my wallpaper is.
107
00:12:55,639 --> 00:13:01,439
You should see HIS! Tha lives with
it long enough, tha gets used to it.
108
00:13:01,439 --> 00:13:04,179
I had a wart that was like that.
109
00:13:04,179 --> 00:13:11,979
Where? If I don't look strangers
in the eye, I'm sure I'm not telling you where my wart is...
110
00:13:11,979 --> 00:13:13,819
WAS.
111
00:13:13,819 --> 00:13:19,019
You don't get warts here. You have
to be in the jungle for warts.
112
00:13:19,019 --> 00:13:23,459
Here we go, up the Orinoco!
RINGING
113
00:13:23,459 --> 00:13:26,579
GET OUT THE WAY!
114
00:13:26,579 --> 00:13:29,279
Fools in the middle of the road!
115
00:13:36,579 --> 00:13:41,739
"First person we meet that we know".
Y-yeah, but not Eli!
116
00:13:41,739 --> 00:13:44,319
That's what tha said!
117
00:13:44,319 --> 00:13:49,239
This I must see - somebody looking
ELI straight in the eye!
118
00:13:50,259 --> 00:13:53,419
Walking in the middle of the road!
119
00:13:53,419 --> 00:13:59,739
Eli... All right? Oh, thanks, lads.
Silly fools in the middle of the road!
120
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:05,099
Did you recognise them? Of course!
Three dozy old women!
121
00:14:05,099 --> 00:14:10,679
Hang on, Eli. Foggy needs somebody
to practise on.
122
00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:15,579
I'm sorry, but I have to go.
Hang on a minute, Eli...!
123
00:14:15,579 --> 00:14:22,199
We mustn't delay the man
if he has to go. Sorry, lads, I can't stop.
124
00:14:34,259 --> 00:14:36,879
They should fix these potholes!
125
00:14:46,079 --> 00:14:50,979
What's he doing?
Reading. He's a secret reader.
126
00:14:50,979 --> 00:14:56,199
Is he a big reader?
Look at him! He's not a big anything!
127
00:14:56,199 --> 00:15:00,519
They pick some funny things up
from books.
128
00:15:00,519 --> 00:15:04,599
He picks up funny things
without books.
129
00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:09,759
What's he reading?
"How To Exert Mind Power Over Other People."
130
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:14,299
As long as it's not
one of them FOREIGN books.
131
00:15:14,299 --> 00:15:19,319
Is he any good at exerting
mind power over other people?
132
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:24,279
He's getting better. I'd a hell of a
struggle to make him wear his apron.
133
00:15:39,659 --> 00:15:44,499
Now, Eli, I want you
to look me straight in the eye.
134
00:15:44,499 --> 00:15:51,539
Just relax,
make yourself comfortable, then tell me when you're ready.
135
00:15:56,459 --> 00:15:58,219
Ready!
136
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,959
Off you go.
137
00:16:07,519 --> 00:16:11,959
Look - me - straight -
in - the - eye-ey(!)
138
00:16:14,479 --> 00:16:17,279
It wasn't a fair test with Eli!
139
00:16:18,299 --> 00:16:21,639
Maybe if you started with ONE eye...
140
00:16:22,019 --> 00:16:27,839
Or maybe his EAR. Maybe if you
looked him straight in the ear(!)
141
00:16:28,979 --> 00:16:32,419
I could do it with a NORMAL subject.
142
00:16:32,419 --> 00:16:37,599
Well, Pearl's the one tha's got
to tackle. P-P-P-Pearl...?
143
00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:42,019
She's the one
Howard needs power over.
144
00:16:42,019 --> 00:16:47,319
You can't dive straight in the deep
end with someone like Pearl.
145
00:16:48,199 --> 00:16:53,559
No, he'd better tackle something
more suitable for a beginner.
146
00:16:54,979 --> 00:16:57,399
(The barmaid!)
147
00:16:57,399 --> 00:17:04,599
The next time tha goes up
for the three pints, see what tha can do with the barmaid.
148
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:11,419
Suppose she drops the glasses?!
Tha said tha could do it in the jungle!
149
00:17:11,419 --> 00:17:15,939
It was warmer in the jungle.
He's backing out!
150
00:17:15,939 --> 00:17:20,379
I have never backed away
from a challenge!
151
00:17:24,499 --> 00:17:27,679
I don't like it. He'll be all right.
152
00:17:35,059 --> 00:17:40,159
Don't come here with your staring
eyes! Upsetting my barmaid!
153
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:45,259
Is he wi' you?
..No, I've never seen him before.
154
00:17:45,259 --> 00:17:48,519
It was a scientific experiment!
155
00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:54,039
That's all we need in a decent pub -
mad scientists!
156
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:13,439
If you didn't know it was hypnosis,
it could be thyroid.
157
00:18:13,439 --> 00:18:20,919
It didn't look like thyroid.
It looked like he was on the deperate edge of some impulse.
158
00:18:20,919 --> 00:18:26,599
IS your Howard on the desperate edge
of some impulse?
159
00:18:26,599 --> 00:18:31,079
I doubt it.
He has his Horlicks every night.
160
00:18:31,079 --> 00:18:35,259
The other thing you always suspect
is guilt.
161
00:18:35,259 --> 00:18:39,499
That's true.
They're very prone to guilt.
162
00:18:39,499 --> 00:18:44,959
I don't think my Barry is.
He has nothing to be guilty about.
163
00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:50,999
She's very young.
164
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:53,939
She's no business being young!
165
00:18:53,939 --> 00:18:57,279
I warned her on her wedding night.
166
00:18:57,279 --> 00:19:02,339
Didn't I say to you,
"Glenda, it is a romantic evening.
167
00:19:02,339 --> 00:19:07,659
"Never will you get him
in a more co-operative mood.
168
00:19:07,659 --> 00:19:13,619
"So NOW is the time to find out
what it is he feels guilty about!"
169
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,959
I DID ask him.
170
00:19:17,159 --> 00:19:19,139
Well?!
171
00:19:19,139 --> 00:19:23,599
He said he'd nothing
to be guilty about.
172
00:19:24,899 --> 00:19:29,499
There you go -
he'd got lying for a start!
173
00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:37,399
So you tried it on Ivy in the cafe
and she threw you out?
174
00:19:37,399 --> 00:19:40,419
She's got a powerful left hand.
175
00:19:40,419 --> 00:19:45,179
And I tried it on the barmaid
and the landlord threw me out.
176
00:19:45,179 --> 00:19:50,059
It took all my willpower
not to teach him a lesson.
177
00:19:50,059 --> 00:19:54,939
The way he threw you out,
he don't NEED any lessons!
178
00:19:54,939 --> 00:20:01,159
So much for hypnotism.
Please readjust your eyeballs. Certainly not!
179
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:06,719
A Dewhurst doesn't give up that
easily. There has to be a solution.
180
00:20:06,719 --> 00:20:09,539
There is. Tha has a slate missing.
181
00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:15,879
It's simply a question of analysing
the problem in a leadership manner.
182
00:20:15,879 --> 00:20:20,959
Question - what IS the problem?
You keep getting thrown out.
183
00:20:20,959 --> 00:20:28,459
Exactly. And WHY is that?
Because tha looks like a pair of weirdos with staring eyes.
184
00:20:28,459 --> 00:20:33,599
But you HAVE to stare!
Like the Boston Strangler?!
185
00:20:35,899 --> 00:20:38,759
That's it! It's the expression!
186
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:45,279
We have to stare with a SMILE.
Do I hear cries of, "The man's a genius"?
187
00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:49,979
Not only a genius,
but a genius with a SMILE(!)
188
00:20:49,979 --> 00:20:55,939
They'll be hypnotised
before they know it. They won't be able to resist!
189
00:21:07,539 --> 00:21:15,259
But my Barry NEVER looks guilty.
You've got to learn to look for the little signs.
190
00:21:15,259 --> 00:21:18,519
Or with some people, BIG signs.
191
00:21:19,979 --> 00:21:22,679
What little signs?
192
00:21:22,679 --> 00:21:27,639
- Does he ever bring you gifts?
- Yes, of course he does.
193
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:30,919
He often brings me chocolates.
194
00:21:30,919 --> 00:21:36,599
Oh...! Oh, never mind, love,
it could all soon blow over.
195
00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:42,859
I LIKE chocolates.
How often in the last month has he bought you chocolates?
196
00:21:42,859 --> 00:21:45,439
Oh, two or three times.
197
00:21:48,459 --> 00:21:51,059
CONCERNED MUTTERING
198
00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:54,279
Does he ever bring you...FLOWERS?
199
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:58,379
Well, yes,
sometimes he brings me flowers.
200
00:21:58,379 --> 00:22:00,859
Oh, you poor love!
201
00:22:00,859 --> 00:22:07,839
Well, when you find out what it is,
don't forget that you've always got a place here.
202
00:22:14,579 --> 00:22:19,739
They'll never notice they're being
hypnotised. It'll never work!
203
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:23,199
Of course it will. Stand over there.
204
00:22:40,819 --> 00:22:43,679
They look like very close friends.
205
00:22:45,819 --> 00:22:48,459
It doesn't seem to be working.
206
00:22:50,859 --> 00:22:53,679
It will when he looks into my eye.
207
00:22:54,899 --> 00:22:57,559
All I can see is teeth!
208
00:22:58,939 --> 00:23:05,819
He's not co-operating.
I shall have to demonstrate on a complete stranger.
209
00:23:18,539 --> 00:23:21,079
Chap over there.
210
00:23:21,079 --> 00:23:23,299
I'll have him.
211
00:23:23,299 --> 00:23:28,279
I'll show you power over people.
He'll never know what hit him.
212
00:24:19,859 --> 00:24:22,459
Here we go, old son.
213
00:24:27,579 --> 00:24:29,739
Come on,
214
00:24:29,739 --> 00:24:32,319
get on board and take a seat.
215
00:25:18,179 --> 00:25:20,679
Don't be shy, come on out.
216
00:25:29,099 --> 00:25:31,519
Off you go.
217
00:26:01,239 --> 00:26:04,159
You're one short. Where's he gone?
218
00:26:04,159 --> 00:26:09,319
He's gone funny,
that's where he's gone. By bus.
219
00:26:37,539 --> 00:26:42,139
He's wasting his time.
To Council, it don't mean THAT.
220
00:26:55,779 --> 00:26:57,579
OWWW!
221
00:27:12,159 --> 00:27:15,959
It's a message, Howard.
From WHO?!
222
00:27:16,979 --> 00:27:19,479
Maybe it's a warning.
223
00:27:19,479 --> 00:27:22,439
But it was only ONE hand!
224
00:27:23,499 --> 00:27:26,059
We've been discovered, Howard!
225
00:27:27,179 --> 00:27:29,419
By whom?!
226
00:27:33,059 --> 00:27:37,239
I never realised
you HAD a beauty spot.
227
00:27:43,399 --> 00:27:46,919
Oh, Howard...!
Oh, Marina...!
228
00:27:48,019 --> 00:27:49,599
OWW!
229
00:28:04,919 --> 00:28:08,439
What happened to the smile, genius?
230
00:28:10,979 --> 00:28:14,979
Looks like
tha used up most of tha power.
231
00:28:14,979 --> 00:28:19,859
These long legs
are looking very civilian, Foggy.
232
00:28:22,219 --> 00:28:25,559
MILITARY DRUMROLL
233
00:28:27,219 --> 00:28:30,199
MARCHING MUSIC
234
00:28:48,279 --> 00:28:53,139
Subtitles by BBC Scotland 1995
235
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:57,739
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
20130
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