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1
00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:55,720
Have you been throwing your money
away again? It's not thrown away. It's lost on a proper system!
2
00:00:55,720 --> 00:01:01,300
You ought to have more sense.
Listen, as a church-goer,
3
00:01:01,300 --> 00:01:08,840
does tha think there's really
somebody up there that knows what's going to win every race?
4
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:11,820
Well, of course He knows!
5
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,820
Does he ever say anything? Ohh!
6
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:23,320
It's not that I don't love Pearl.
Of course I...love Pearl.
7
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:31,360
You wouldn't dare NOT love Pearl!
Exactly. But that doesn't stop you feeling a magnetic attraction
8
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:39,360
towards certain other people.
Look, if you're going to talk about love, Howard, I'll have to leave.
9
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:44,460
I'll only come out in a rash. I'm
happier talking about the weather!
10
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:51,920
Have you never felt the impulse,
Cleggy, to throw yourself into a mad, passionate affair?
11
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:58,020
Is that why you're wearing a pinny,
Howard? Oh, forget the pinny!
12
00:01:58,020 --> 00:02:05,560
Well, I don't think you're dressed
for throwing yourself into a mad... This may come as a surprise...
13
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:12,580
I think something is going to come
as a surprise to YOU. You may not believe it,
14
00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:19,640
but I was built for emotional
turmoil and passion. Good! Then get to the council
15
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:24,100
and argue them into giving us
a new dustbin!
16
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,180
And are YOU built
for passionate romance as well?
17
00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:35,660
No, not me.
I'm...with the National Provincial.
18
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:45,900
I don't know whether I'm in favour
of a single European currency.
19
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:50,960
It's very mushy when you wiggle
your toes. And cold.
20
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:57,460
Refreshingly cold.
I was thinking more on the lines of FREEZINGLY cold!
21
00:02:57,460 --> 00:03:00,560
Water's colder than it used to be.
22
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:05,120
It never used to be this cold
when I were a kid.
23
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:12,660
Did you ever see any water when you
were a kid? At school, you never gave the impression that you did.
24
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:20,580
I still had more fun with
the lasses than thee did! I was saving myself for World War II.
25
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:25,720
What does it mean
when your feet turn blue?
26
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:30,640
Probably means tha's going to be
dead in ten seconds!
27
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,700
Yes, I knew it was
something like that.
28
00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:40,780
Can't you stand a little physical
hardship? Look - he's enjoying it!
29
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:59,240
Oh, sorry!
Oh, Howard! No problem, Howard!
30
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,220
You're looking well, Marina.
31
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:21,280
It's really quite pleasant,
that sailboarding game.
32
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:26,360
Drifting along on the water.
That's a young man's game.
33
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:33,920
No, for anybody reasonably fit,
it's well within range. Well, that lets me out. Nonsense.
34
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:41,460
It's something we could all do.
Dost tha know how much one of them things costs? No need for expense.
35
00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:46,520
We could make our own.
Ho-ho, and THAT lets me out!
36
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:54,060
Make our own! Well, Wesley could
make them for us. Or better still, one for the three of us.
37
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:59,120
Why have three made when one bigger
one would do for all three of us?
38
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:05,140
Oh, go to sleep! Ah, now you're
talking MY kind of sport!
39
00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:12,720
Oh, didn't your heart leap a little
when you saw that colourful sail on that placid water?
40
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:19,660
My heart leapt a little when I saw
those colourful feet of mine turning blue!
41
00:05:26,060 --> 00:05:33,080
What have you got for blue feet?
Some blue language if you don't behave!
42
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,660
Three teas, please, Ivy, love.
43
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:40,240
And a bottle of rum
for Captain Morgan here!
44
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:47,800
It's a perfectly reasonable idea,
a sailboard for three. In fact, it's an ingenious technical idea.
45
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:55,300
Obviously no-one else has ever
thought of it. I mean, when did you ever see a three-person sailboard?
46
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,920
We could be onto something here.
47
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:06,100
The commercial possibilities are
enormous. Just remember who thought of it first. Who's paying?
48
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,380
He's the genius.
He thought of it first!
49
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,680
Haven't you got anything smaller (?)
50
00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:36,940
Tha'd never believe he was the
inventor of a three-man sailboard!
51
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:43,020
When he's made his first million,
will he get it in small change?
52
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:48,620
I can see him in his Rolls Royce
towing a 40-foot purse!
53
00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:54,540
You can scoff!
Oh, well, in that case, we'll have three buns, Ivy!
54
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:01,740
I'm trusting you.
55
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,840
It's a great responsibility.
56
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:10,880
I'm sending you out there
with stuff I've bought and paid for!
57
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:18,420
When buyers are slow coming
into your shop, you've got to go out and snatch 'em where they live!
58
00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:25,960
You've got to descend on them
like Attila the Hun! I don't want anyone getting away without buying.
59
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:31,000
Are you ready for this, lad?
I suppose I could give it a try.
60
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,060
TRY ? Never mind TRY !
61
00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:38,120
I want ruthless,
determined, no mercy!
62
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:45,140
That's the buying public out there.
They were born for people like me to sell 'em things.
63
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:49,160
People like me, and now you, lad.
Oh...
64
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:54,220
I'm providing you with the vehicle,
I'm providing you with the stock.
65
00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:59,240
All you've got to do is sell.
Don't let me down, lad.
66
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:03,340
Sign this.
What's this?
67
00:08:03,340 --> 00:08:10,340
Your solemn promise to reimburse me
for anything damaged or stolen while in your care.
68
00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:16,820
Right. Now let's find you
something suitable to wear. Wear!?
69
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:28,680
It's funny. I always thought that,
in after years, I'd be remembered as a trained killer.
70
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,760
Now they'll say,
"Oh, yeah, Foggy Dewhirst.
71
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:39,800
"Didn't he invent the three-man
sailboard?" What if they don't remember you at all?
72
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:44,740
I find that very unlikely. Hang on
a minute! I've got summat to do.
73
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,840
NORA BATTY SCREAMS
74
00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:55,000
You want locking up!
75
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,540
And you, too!
76
00:08:57,540 --> 00:09:00,080
Egging him on!
77
00:09:07,461 --> 00:09:13,641
The woman is a menace. Little does
she realise how close she came to triggering some deadly response!
78
00:09:13,641 --> 00:09:15,361
Ay, ah, YA!
79
00:09:15,361 --> 00:09:22,381
I had difficulty remembering
she wasn't a man. Yes, I think it's her feet.
80
00:09:22,381 --> 00:09:27,441
She's got great feet! Iron out the
wrinkles and she's got great feet!
81
00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:32,961
If she had a slipper, tha could
drink brown ale out of it!
82
00:09:32,961 --> 00:09:35,461
By the bucketful (!)
83
00:09:41,101 --> 00:09:46,741
Oh, help. If Auntie Wainwright's
gone mobile, nobody will be safe!
84
00:09:50,741 --> 00:09:56,421
Where are you going? As a soldier,
YOU should know when to take cover!
85
00:09:59,181 --> 00:10:06,481
Tha's safe enough.
It's not Auntie Wainwright driving. Oh. Who is it?
86
00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:12,241
Oh, no!
87
00:10:13,281 --> 00:10:15,901
It's Aladdin!
88
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:21,901
It's all right for you lot.
I daren't go back without selling something.
89
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:26,961
I feel such a fool dressed
as Aladdin. I can understand that.
90
00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:31,981
Don't just stand there
taking the wee-wee. Buy something!
91
00:10:31,981 --> 00:10:36,941
I must sell something!
You're not carrying what we need.
92
00:10:37,761 --> 00:10:45,761
In fact, you wouldn't get
what we need in there. We are looking for an oversized sailboard.
93
00:10:45,761 --> 00:10:48,321
Say no more!
94
00:10:48,321 --> 00:10:51,301
I'll get back to base.
95
00:10:55,041 --> 00:10:58,421
RING
96
00:10:58,421 --> 00:11:00,481
Hello.
97
00:11:00,481 --> 00:11:03,041
Who? Speak up!
98
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:05,621
Aladdin who?
99
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:10,661
Oh, it's you! Right, be brief.
Remember calls cost money.
100
00:11:10,661 --> 00:11:13,241
They want a what?
101
00:11:13,241 --> 00:11:17,781
Something that can make
an oversized sailboard?
102
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:21,841
Well, yes, of course
I've got something!
103
00:11:21,841 --> 00:11:26,861
Tell 'em to come round right away
before somebody else snaps it up.
104
00:11:26,861 --> 00:11:29,941
What have I got? I don't know,
105
00:11:29,941 --> 00:11:37,501
but by the time they get here
I'll have thought of something! And you owe me 50p for the call!
106
00:11:37,501 --> 00:11:42,941
Then charge the customers. Do they
think I'm running a public service?
107
00:12:24,761 --> 00:12:28,321
Oh, Marina!
Oh, Howard!
108
00:12:28,321 --> 00:12:32,261
Did anyone recognise you?
In this lot?
109
00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:39,321
I told you! I think we've really
cracked it this time! Oh, Marina!
110
00:12:39,321 --> 00:12:41,841
CLUNK
111
00:12:48,121 --> 00:12:53,141
You get 'em to retirement age,
you think they'll settle down.
112
00:12:53,141 --> 00:12:58,221
Now he wants to become a frogman.
Well, he's got the legs for it!
113
00:12:58,221 --> 00:13:04,201
It's better than him
sitting around being bored! No, if they get married,
114
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,301
they should expect to be bored!
115
00:13:07,301 --> 00:13:14,741
Well, I think boredom is
very undervalued. It's the basis of every decent relationship.
116
00:13:16,541 --> 00:13:24,061
They'd rather play about with water.
Even as kids, they were always messing about with water!
117
00:13:24,061 --> 00:13:27,141
Why this urge to get wet?
118
00:13:27,141 --> 00:13:35,141
The one next door to me doesn't look
as if he's got much urge to get wet, especially if it's soap and water!
119
00:13:35,141 --> 00:13:37,981
Oh, him! There always exceptions!
120
00:13:37,981 --> 00:13:46,801
My Barry likes tropical fish.
What he finds fascinating is the mouth-breeder.
121
00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:50,821
SPLUTTERING
Have you no shame, girl?
122
00:13:50,821 --> 00:13:54,541
Drink your coffee.
Oh, Mother!
123
00:13:55,661 --> 00:14:03,841
- Is there much opportunity
round here for being a frogman? - I told him we're not near the sea.
124
00:14:03,841 --> 00:14:10,381
What did he say to that?
He says it's not the water, it's the uniform.
125
00:14:12,961 --> 00:14:19,981
Yes, they do love dressing up.
There's him in Arnold Street. He certainly does!
126
00:14:19,981 --> 00:14:25,541
Yes. It's HER I feel sorry for.
Oh, so do I.
127
00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:30,341
He's so much prettier than she is.
ALL: Mmm.
128
00:14:31,361 --> 00:14:34,401
Urgh... A-atchoo!
129
00:14:34,401 --> 00:14:36,901
ALL: Bless you.
130
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:46,821
I knew she'd sell us
something unsuitable! How do you mean "unsuitable"?
131
00:14:46,821 --> 00:14:51,301
This could be brilliant.
We'll soon adapt this.
132
00:14:57,621 --> 00:15:01,701
It's an old tin cupboard,
not a boat!
133
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:10,241
It is steel. All the best boats
are made of steel. And think how well it floats, a bit of steel (!)
134
00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:17,721
It's got no back to it,
and the doors are locked! Have faith, little sailing person.
135
00:15:18,741 --> 00:15:23,741
I shall commission Wesley
to make the necessary alterations.
136
00:15:34,521 --> 00:15:42,061
I wish tha'd just admit it.
Tha went in for a boat and came out with a tin cupboard.
137
00:15:42,061 --> 00:15:48,661
I could see the possibilities.
Give over! Tha came out with a tin cupboard
138
00:15:48,661 --> 00:15:56,161
because Auntie Wainwright wanted
to sell thee a tin cupboard! I think it's witchcraft.
139
00:15:56,161 --> 00:15:59,741
She does it all by witchcraft!
140
00:16:10,361 --> 00:16:13,941
Watch it, Fu Manchu! Simmer down!
141
00:16:13,941 --> 00:16:19,961
Sorry, lads. I were miles away.
Tha were only three INCHES away!
142
00:16:19,961 --> 00:16:25,061
I've got a lot on my mind.
Well, there's that hat for a start.
143
00:16:25,061 --> 00:16:32,581
I... I thought you were looking
for a sailboard! What are you doing with this tin cupboard?
144
00:16:32,581 --> 00:16:36,541
I've got enough problems
with them two!
145
00:16:36,541 --> 00:16:39,781
Ah so! Me too!
146
00:16:42,241 --> 00:16:47,821
Don't worry.
There are worse things than wanting to be a frogman.
147
00:16:47,821 --> 00:16:53,841
You don't think
he's up to something? No! Why would he be?
148
00:16:53,841 --> 00:16:58,881
And dressed as a frogman,
how could he be up to something?
149
00:16:58,881 --> 00:17:05,861
That's true. Well, I'll go
and get his meal ready. Yes, I expect he'll be ravenous
150
00:17:05,861 --> 00:17:08,401
after a day being a frogman.
151
00:17:10,961 --> 00:17:14,941
TOGETHER:
He's up to something!
152
00:17:29,561 --> 00:17:37,081
What can you do? I'm only human.
If people aren't buying anything, they're not buying anything.
153
00:17:37,081 --> 00:17:40,141
I tried. It's not my fault!
154
00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:45,201
Oh! Sold out already?
Ee, lad, life's full of surprises!
155
00:17:45,201 --> 00:17:52,241
I confess I had the wrong opinion.
I had you written down as a complete prollock!
156
00:17:52,241 --> 00:17:55,261
Just shows how wrong you can be!
157
00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:05,521
AUNTIE:
You great long prollock!
158
00:18:09,441 --> 00:18:13,441
Get back out there!
Ring some doorbells!
159
00:18:22,941 --> 00:18:30,481
It's never going to float!
Of course it's going to float. Stop being so negative!
160
00:18:30,481 --> 00:18:37,301
What if it doesn't float?
Then we give it more buoyancy. I'll bet it sinks!
161
00:18:37,301 --> 00:18:42,381
I hope it does sink, then we can
all go home! What an attitude!
162
00:18:42,381 --> 00:18:48,761
I'm surrounded by pessimists!
Some of my best friends are pessimists!
163
00:18:53,381 --> 00:18:57,901
There you are, you see.
It DOES float.
164
00:18:59,421 --> 00:19:04,441
It's all very well her saying,
"Go and ring on some doorbells".
165
00:19:04,441 --> 00:19:09,041
You can't just go ringing
on people's doorbells!
166
00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:16,941
She'll kill me if I don't.
Maybe you CAN go ringing on people's doorbells.
167
00:19:29,881 --> 00:19:33,841
YORKSHIRE ACCENT:
Bog off, you Chinese twit!
168
00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:43,061
I hate it, I hate it!
169
00:19:43,061 --> 00:19:48,121
You haven't been dangling
long enough to hate it. I do!
170
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:53,121
Oh, stop complaining, man.
You're in perfectly capable hands.
171
00:19:53,121 --> 00:19:56,801
Capable, tired and ACHING hands!
172
00:19:56,801 --> 00:20:05,021
Don't let me go! No-one's going
to let you go until you're exactly over the boat. You'll miss!
173
00:20:05,021 --> 00:20:09,581
We won't miss!
Can I open my eyes now?
174
00:20:09,581 --> 00:20:14,321
Ow! Don't let me go!
Will you stop upsetting him?
175
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:26,901
TOOT TOOT !
176
00:20:29,221 --> 00:20:32,881
GROANING
177
00:20:35,361 --> 00:20:38,401
Who pipped? Some fool pipped!
178
00:20:38,401 --> 00:20:42,001
You all right?
179
00:20:42,001 --> 00:20:47,381
It's Aladdin! He pipped.
Damn sinister, these Chinese.
180
00:20:47,381 --> 00:20:52,981
It were only a small pip!
You twit!
181
00:20:52,981 --> 00:20:59,981
Will you pack it in?
I've had a bad day. I haven't sold a thing.
182
00:21:01,401 --> 00:21:04,981
There's somebody under that bridge.
183
00:21:04,981 --> 00:21:07,921
Sharks!
184
00:21:07,921 --> 00:21:15,261
It's not sharks.
Not only murderous Chinese, now we've got sharks!
185
00:21:17,741 --> 00:21:21,701
It's Howard and Marina!
186
00:21:21,701 --> 00:21:24,781
Oh, has it stopped raining?
187
00:21:24,781 --> 00:21:31,901
I... I was just sheltering
under this bridge with this passing frog-person!
188
00:21:31,901 --> 00:21:34,641
We believe thee, Howard!
189
00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:41,241
Well, I don't. And I know
somebody else who wouldn't.
190
00:21:41,241 --> 00:21:48,921
You wouldn't sprack?
You never know! Velly insclutable, these Chinese!
191
00:21:48,921 --> 00:21:51,841
Why is he wearing a lampshade?
192
00:21:51,841 --> 00:21:56,441
You want it, it's yours.
Haven't made a sale all day.
193
00:21:56,441 --> 00:21:59,661
What would I do with a lampshade?
194
00:21:59,661 --> 00:22:05,721
Get a lamp. It'll make a change
from turning Howard on! Be quiet!
195
00:22:05,721 --> 00:22:09,601
You'll give people
the wrong impression.
196
00:22:09,601 --> 00:22:14,541
There is one way out of this.
What's that?
197
00:22:14,541 --> 00:22:21,561
You could buy something. That way,
I could go back to Auntie Wainwright having made a sale.
198
00:22:21,561 --> 00:22:25,561
You scratch my back
and I'll scratch yours.
199
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:28,781
He's a swine!
200
00:22:28,781 --> 00:22:31,481
Diabolical!
201
00:22:33,761 --> 00:22:40,321
Have a look round the van.
Full of bargains! How much do we have to buy?
202
00:22:40,321 --> 00:22:47,421
The more you buy,
the more forgetful I become! HE LAUGHS
203
00:22:47,421 --> 00:22:52,921
When he grins,
somehow Smiler is terrifying! TOOT
204
00:22:52,921 --> 00:22:55,461
WA-A-AH !
205
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:58,001
SPLASH
206
00:23:13,601 --> 00:23:18,321
- You buying?
- No, just looking.
207
00:23:21,361 --> 00:23:23,941
That'll be 50p.
208
00:23:23,941 --> 00:23:29,941
For looking?
Certainly for looking. Entertainment fee.
209
00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:34,541
Do you think these window displays
are done for nothing?
210
00:23:34,541 --> 00:23:42,481
Of course, it is refundable on the
first item you purchase over �20. It's all right. Keep it!
211
00:24:06,161 --> 00:24:08,561
Ohh!
212
00:24:08,561 --> 00:24:10,861
COINS CHINK
213
00:24:30,041 --> 00:24:36,601
You've been up to something.
I don't know why you should think that, love.
214
00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:42,541
What sort of frogman comes home
with 15 rolls of vinyl wallpaper?
215
00:24:44,701 --> 00:24:47,741
It was a bargain, love.
216
00:24:47,741 --> 00:24:50,801
We don't NEED wallpaper.
217
00:24:50,801 --> 00:24:55,801
Fish. Frogmen are supposed
to come home with fish.
218
00:24:55,801 --> 00:24:58,881
Or sunken treasure.
219
00:24:58,881 --> 00:25:04,881
How come you suddenly turn up
with 15 rolls of vinyl wallpaper?
220
00:25:04,881 --> 00:25:07,901
You've been up to something.
221
00:25:11,841 --> 00:25:14,841
Did you want me?
222
00:25:38,381 --> 00:25:44,101
- Do I go poking around YOUR things?
- Well, no!
223
00:25:44,101 --> 00:25:47,601
- No!
- What makes you ask?
224
00:25:51,901 --> 00:25:56,121
What have you done
with my damask tablecloths?
225
00:26:17,861 --> 00:26:20,901
You see the beauty of it?
226
00:26:20,901 --> 00:26:23,461
Hey up, there's a leak!
227
00:26:23,461 --> 00:26:26,041
Don't panic. Too late!
228
00:26:26,041 --> 00:26:31,101
Tell him there's no need to panic.
Well, I'll panic for both of us!
229
00:26:31,101 --> 00:26:34,201
Shipwrecked at my age!
230
00:26:34,201 --> 00:26:41,201
We're not sinking.
It's just a little seepage between the cracks in the doors.
231
00:26:41,201 --> 00:26:45,021
Why do you think
I brought this beaker?
232
00:26:45,021 --> 00:26:48,621
A picnic? Navy rum!
233
00:26:48,621 --> 00:26:56,081
Forward planning. You simply scoop
out the small amounts of water that leak through the door.
234
00:27:02,241 --> 00:27:04,301
You see?
235
00:27:04,301 --> 00:27:08,321
See? What fool's still got
his eyes open?
236
00:27:08,321 --> 00:27:11,381
Hey up, I've found a key.
237
00:27:11,381 --> 00:27:15,881
I wonder if it fits.
Well, don't try turning it!
238
00:28:37,941 --> 00:28:41,441
GRUFF MALE VOICE:
Yeah?
239
00:28:42,481 --> 00:28:47,441
Subtitles by Judith Simpson
BBC 1993
240
00:28:47,491 --> 00:28:52,041
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
22059
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