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1
00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:44,160
GOSSIPING
2
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,620
Buy from the gypsy, ladies.
3
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:14,100
Ah, just the man! Yes...
No, you had to dash away yesterday before I finished my war story.
4
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:21,660
You're in luck. You can catch up
now. I can't stop. My wife's in hospital. Ah, there you are then!
5
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:29,200
It's fate! You'll have to visit her.
You won't know what to talk about, and now you can tell my war story.
6
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:34,700
How far had I got?
Had I strangled the sentry...?
7
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:42,660
No, just a m... Buy from the lucky
gypsy, sir. Have a lifetime of good fortune. How do you mean a lifetime?
8
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:46,640
I'm not paying for a lifetime
at my age!
9
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:57,340
Forty minutes?
Ooh, that's a long time for an insurance man!
10
00:01:57,340 --> 00:02:02,400
And her husband hardly dead yet.
His photo's still on the piano!
11
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:07,100
And there she is
entertaining insurance men.
12
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,740
Buy something from the gypsy?
13
00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,420
Buy something from the gypsy?
Lucky charms...
14
00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:30,480
If you live decent,
why do you need them?
15
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:36,000
What else?
Pretty ribbons. Just what we need at our age (!)
16
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:40,080
What a hard lot!
A cup of tea for the gypsy?
17
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,020
Certainly! Have you got 30p?
18
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:56,340
Buy something from the gypsy, lady?
19
00:02:56,340 --> 00:03:03,360
Ooh, you wouldn't
take advantage of an old lady? You can trust the lucky gypsy.
20
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,920
Ooh, pretty ribbons
and other rubbish.
21
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:11,460
Buy a lucky charm
and have good fortune for life.
22
00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:16,520
Oh, just what I've been looking for,
good fortune for life.
23
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:21,480
Come in. We don't have to do
business out here in the street.
24
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,920
Bad as that, eh?
I'm depressed, Norm.
25
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:42,440
Have you tried suicide?
26
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:51,120
Can't afford it. Why sit on Nora's
steps? That's the kind of place anyone would be depressed in!
27
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:58,180
I suppose it's for sentimental
reasons, really. It's a sort of pilgrimage.
28
00:03:58,180 --> 00:04:05,740
I get depressed so I come out here
and sit on Nora Batty's steps. What are you depressed about?
29
00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:13,320
I'm depressed because I don't seem
to be getting any further with Nora than sitting on her steps!
30
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:20,820
What sort of a romance is that,
coming out here once a fortnight and sitting on her steps?
31
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:24,480
Sounds quite exciting enough for me.
32
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:32,900
Why do I need garden furniture?
I live in a caravan!
33
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:38,940
You'll be the envy
of your neighbours. You didn't buy any ribbons.
34
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:45,000
What do I need with ribbons?
I don't need this! My fella'll kill me!
35
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:51,440
Not when he hears the price,
when he realises you robbed some old lady.
36
00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:11,040
He's very quiet this morning!
37
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,060
He's depressed.
38
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:18,580
The success he's made of his life,
he ought to be!
39
00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:21,660
I've enjoyed my life. Looks like it.
40
00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:28,240
But lately I've been wondering
if my sexual magnetism might be fading.
41
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:32,680
Oh, it is. I can assure you it is.
42
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:37,640
Oh, grief! Don't tell me
I'm past me sexual peak!
43
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:43,940
I don't recall ever reaching mine.
44
00:05:43,940 --> 00:05:46,620
I must've been out.
45
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:51,700
Well, being a trained killer,
your life has to be monastic.
46
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:59,120
You can't be a lethal weapon
and be forever choosing curtains with the little woman!
47
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:04,680
Norm, does tha think my magnetism
could be slipping? Don't ask me.
48
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:09,620
I was a total failure at romance.
But you were married!
49
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,620
That's what did it.
50
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:23,020
MARINA:
Can't you give me a hint, Howard?
51
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:27,060
HOWARD:
No, love. I want it to be a surprise.
52
00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:31,100
MARINA:
A girl likes an occasional surprise,
53
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:38,640
but usually it's a little present,
or something she can slip into her bag, not all this stuff!
54
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,660
I think you'll like it
when it's finished.
55
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:45,760
Also, it's a very good disguise.
56
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:53,300
If anybody sees us,
they'll just think we're two people carrying a load of wood.
57
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:59,840
That is probably because we ARE
two people carrying a load of wood, Howard!
58
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:04,320
Together, love.
Carrying wood together!
59
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:21,340
WOMAN SCREAMS, FOLLOWED BY A SLAP
60
00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:23,920
Out!
61
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:27,940
It is. It's slipping.
62
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:31,200
It's slipped!
63
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:42,060
She could be right. There's not
much left, is there, when tha's no longer attractive to women?
64
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:44,560
There's golf.
65
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,700
When were you attractive to women?
66
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:52,240
It's not something tha'd understand.
67
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:58,080
As far as I can remember, you've
always been scruffy and horrible.
68
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:02,500
But sexy with it, son. SEXY !
69
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:10,000
Maybe you're losing your nerve.
If you keep thinking that you've lost your sexual magnetism,
70
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,520
then you're going to lose your...
71
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:20,340
That's true. Mind over matter.
72
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:23,840
I've got to think positive, Norm.
73
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:30,300
You shouldn't lead him on.
Oh, he needs cheering up.
74
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:37,840
Where are you going? I'm going
to wait for Nora coming back from the shops, psyche meself up,
75
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:43,340
then give her the full blast
of my sexual magnetism!
76
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:49,800
I've just lost confidence
in meself, that's all. I'll psyche meself up.
77
00:09:06,526 --> 00:09:15,566
It's mind over matter. If tha
thinks tha's going to be dynamite with the lassies, tha will be!
78
00:09:15,566 --> 00:09:20,886
I am going to go out there
and I am going to overwhelm her.
79
00:09:29,866 --> 00:09:31,166
This should be good.
80
00:09:39,166 --> 00:09:42,166
Whatever's the matter with you?
81
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,186
Have you got something in your eye?
82
00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:52,266
A twitch. He's got a twitch!
You drink too much! Keep away!
83
00:09:52,266 --> 00:09:59,806
Whatever you've got,
I don't want it. Are you contagious? Here's lookin' at you, kid!
84
00:09:59,806 --> 00:10:04,866
Well, of course you're looking
at me! I'm right in front of you!
85
00:10:04,866 --> 00:10:12,406
Whatever is the matter with you?
Are your eyes going funny? Doesn't tha feel anything?
86
00:10:12,406 --> 00:10:15,446
Like what? Attraction.
87
00:10:15,446 --> 00:10:18,026
Physical attraction!
88
00:10:18,026 --> 00:10:23,566
Don't fight it, love!
Face it. Get down to basics.
89
00:10:23,566 --> 00:10:28,606
Let's be gone, be
gone with all this pretence!
90
00:10:28,606 --> 00:10:33,206
Tha's a man and I'm a woman...
Forget that!
91
00:10:33,206 --> 00:10:39,726
Tha's a woman and I'm a man.
Look at me when I'm making love to thee!
92
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,766
Nora, tell me, TELL me,
93
00:10:42,766 --> 00:10:45,246
what does tha see?
94
00:10:47,286 --> 00:10:51,766
I see you've got another hole
in them trousers.
95
00:11:11,506 --> 00:11:14,086
It's gone, in't it?
96
00:11:14,086 --> 00:11:18,686
This frightening power
I used to have over women.
97
00:11:18,686 --> 00:11:26,186
There I am, standing eyeball
to eyeball with Nora Batty, giving her the full power,
98
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,246
and what happens? Nothing.
99
00:11:29,246 --> 00:11:32,726
No, it's gone.
I've blown me gasket.
100
00:11:36,106 --> 00:11:41,126
Will you stop drivelling?
How am I going to cope?
101
00:11:41,126 --> 00:11:44,646
Me, who used to be the raging stud!
102
00:11:45,726 --> 00:11:54,366
Now it's gone. The sort of women
you used to get, you're better off without. They were all tattooed.
103
00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:59,106
Only here and there!
104
00:12:01,106 --> 00:12:07,126
Oh, cheer up. Life's easier once
the fire in the blood dies down.
105
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:10,166
When did yours die down?
106
00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:13,606
Well, I must've been nearly 23.
107
00:12:13,606 --> 00:12:16,486
It's not natural.
108
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:24,526
Ah, but I was married. I mean,
what do you need with fire in the blood once you get married?
109
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:29,526
Didn't you do anything
sort of physical together?
110
00:12:29,526 --> 00:12:32,546
Well, we used to wallpaper a lot.
111
00:12:34,686 --> 00:12:37,206
He's hopeless!
112
00:12:39,286 --> 00:12:42,326
I had to make a decision.
113
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:44,926
I had to choose.
114
00:12:44,926 --> 00:12:52,446
Did I want a love-life
or did I want to steel myself into becoming a lethal weapon?
115
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:55,986
Muffed it on both counts!
116
00:12:58,246 --> 00:13:01,246
There you are.
117
00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:07,746
But, Duane, it's practically new
garden furniture!
118
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:13,286
You were supposed to be selling
not buying! I was!
119
00:13:13,286 --> 00:13:20,286
So why did you buy this?
Well, it were a bargain, Duane. Who said so?
120
00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:23,966
This...poor old lady.
121
00:13:25,286 --> 00:13:28,326
How much was it, then?
122
00:13:28,326 --> 00:13:31,326
I've got the receipt here.
123
00:13:48,886 --> 00:13:53,926
Imagine life without women.
Oh, don't start all that again!
124
00:13:53,926 --> 00:14:01,446
What would I do for entertainment?
Good grief, man, you've got the whole wide world to choose from!
125
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:04,486
I mean, some useful hobby.
126
00:14:04,486 --> 00:14:07,086
BLOWS RASPBERRY
127
00:14:07,086 --> 00:14:11,826
Healthy exercise.
ANOTHER RASPBERRY
128
00:14:12,846 --> 00:14:15,366
Enter a monastery.
129
00:14:17,126 --> 00:14:24,746
Open your eyes
to the natural world. Look at the scenery, listen to the birds.
130
00:14:24,746 --> 00:14:31,726
Come on, then. What birds?
I can't hear any birds. Well, you will if you listen!
131
00:14:31,726 --> 00:14:34,726
TAPPING ON WOOD
132
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:37,246
Woodpecker.
133
00:14:40,726 --> 00:14:43,746
Greater Spotted Woodpecker.
134
00:14:48,646 --> 00:14:51,166
Follow me.
135
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:20,106
Supposing she won't take it back?
You don't take no for an answer. That's what selling's all about.
136
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:23,686
You said she's an old lady.
Aye.
137
00:15:23,686 --> 00:15:31,146
Well, if you can't take advantage
of an old lady, who can you take advantage of? Get the table.
138
00:15:35,006 --> 00:15:37,986
TAPPING CONTINUES
139
00:15:46,666 --> 00:15:52,646
It's definitely a woodpecker.
It's pretty loud for a woodpecker!
140
00:15:52,646 --> 00:15:55,746
Listen... It's in the trees!
141
00:15:55,746 --> 00:16:02,326
If it's a woodpecker,
it's not going to be down a rabbit hole, is it (?)
142
00:16:02,326 --> 00:16:10,286
If that's a woodpecker, I'm not
going anywhere near. It's going to be the size of a jumbo jet!
143
00:16:10,286 --> 00:16:12,846
Maybe that's it.
144
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:16,886
We've discovered
a rare giant woodpecker.
145
00:16:16,886 --> 00:16:20,906
Infrequent visitor
to the British Isles.
146
00:16:20,906 --> 00:16:23,946
This needs maximum security.
147
00:16:23,946 --> 00:16:28,966
Once word gets out, we'll get
coachloads of birdwatchers!
148
00:16:28,966 --> 00:16:32,066
If this is a scientific discovery,
149
00:16:32,066 --> 00:16:38,046
it needs handling carefully
with military precision. TAP
150
00:16:38,046 --> 00:16:40,566
O-OW !
151
00:16:43,146 --> 00:16:49,566
You were right.
It WAS a good price. Helluva good price.
152
00:16:49,566 --> 00:16:53,106
You had to go for it
at that money!
153
00:16:53,106 --> 00:16:58,166
It would've been stupid.
One thing I'm not is stupid.
154
00:16:58,166 --> 00:17:04,086
That's what life's about.
Knowing when you're on to something good.
155
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:15,646
TAPPING IS CLOSER
156
00:17:19,626 --> 00:17:25,726
Now, take your lead from me. Don't
snap a twig. Absolute quiet.
157
00:17:25,726 --> 00:17:33,246
Now, when we get closer,
I shall stop issuing verbal orders and switch to hand signals.
158
00:17:33,246 --> 00:17:36,226
How about this for a hand signal?
159
00:17:38,606 --> 00:17:44,146
It's interesting getting your knees
damp like this. Only a BIT damp!
160
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:49,206
You're talking to somebody
who had his vest aired thoroughly!
161
00:17:49,206 --> 00:17:54,246
How long has tha worn tha vest
on tha knees? It's the principle!
162
00:17:54,246 --> 00:18:00,786
Mother was very
airing-cupboard conscious. Ssh, you'll frighten it away!
163
00:18:00,786 --> 00:18:05,826
Well, if it's as big as it sounds,
I want to frighten it away!
164
00:18:05,826 --> 00:18:08,706
Sounds like two to me.
165
00:18:08,706 --> 00:18:14,366
Two? That's wonderful!
A nesting pair!
166
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:25,326
Is it safe, Howard?
It's stronger than it looks!
167
00:18:25,326 --> 00:18:29,866
There was a gentleman
in Wilton Street like that.
168
00:18:29,866 --> 00:18:34,946
But did he build you a house?
No-one's ever built me a house.
169
00:18:34,946 --> 00:18:41,506
Up a tree.
We can meet up here, away from prying eyes!
170
00:18:41,506 --> 00:18:49,066
But are you sure it's safe?
I wouldn't bring you anywhere where you weren't safe, love.
171
00:18:49,066 --> 00:18:52,506
Well...you needn't go
as far as that.
172
00:18:53,526 --> 00:18:55,766
Oh...
173
00:18:58,666 --> 00:19:01,686
Our own tree-house!
174
00:19:01,686 --> 00:19:04,266
Oh, Howard,
175
00:19:04,266 --> 00:19:08,926
you Tarzan,
me Jane.
176
00:19:14,986 --> 00:19:22,966
A nesting pair, Wesley, and we're
the first to find them. What do you want me to do? Drive the tour bus.
177
00:19:22,966 --> 00:19:25,506
What tour bus?
178
00:19:26,626 --> 00:19:29,126
Improvise!
179
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:36,726
We're going to run trips.
We'll want cameras and binoculars. What sort of nesting pair?
180
00:19:36,726 --> 00:19:43,226
Very rare. They're not
in the field guide. It's an important discovery.
181
00:19:43,226 --> 00:19:48,806
I warn you. It makes your knees
damp. Not in the tour bus.
182
00:19:48,806 --> 00:19:56,846
Just a minute. We can't turn up
in an old ambulance. We'll scare 'em off. That's true.
183
00:19:56,846 --> 00:20:01,386
Yeah, we shall have to crawl
the last few yards.
184
00:20:01,386 --> 00:20:05,346
I told you.
It makes your knees damp.
185
00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:10,206
They buried him last week.
186
00:20:10,206 --> 00:20:14,406
^
It was the week he always used to go to Blackpool.
187
00:20:15,626 --> 00:20:23,786
- I know people want a change...
- But there must be easier ways of avoiding going to Blackpool!
188
00:20:23,786 --> 00:20:29,766
What did he die of?
The newspaper just said he died suddenly.
189
00:20:29,766 --> 00:20:36,366
What a shock for her.
It's the first time he ever did anything suddenly!
190
00:20:36,366 --> 00:20:40,906
Didn't he collect Toby-jugs?
Foreign stamps!
191
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:44,966
I knew it was
something like that.
192
00:20:44,966 --> 00:20:52,386
Him next door to me
collects ferrets! Ooh, that's not very hygienic.
193
00:20:52,386 --> 00:20:55,566
I expect they've got used to him.
194
00:20:55,566 --> 00:21:02,966
- Just recently,
mine started collecting wood. - Whatever for?
195
00:21:02,966 --> 00:21:06,546
He says they might come in handy.
196
00:21:06,546 --> 00:21:12,286
Your father collects
nuts and bolts. He says they'll be useful.
197
00:21:12,286 --> 00:21:16,066
You see, they all say that.
198
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:23,626
But they never DO anything useful!
My Barry's learning French. SPLUTTERING
199
00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:29,966
Well, that wants stopping
for a start! Oh, Mother!
200
00:21:29,966 --> 00:21:34,826
It's better than the language
he's learned next door to me.
201
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:41,606
- It's better than bits of wood.
- I saw France once.
202
00:21:41,606 --> 00:21:48,586
We went to Dover.
It was a very clear day. That's France, they said.
203
00:21:48,586 --> 00:21:53,646
I felt I ought to feel more excited,
but I didn't.
204
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:58,986
Mind you, his mother was recovering
from a very nasty operation.
205
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:03,746
Ohh.
VAN PULLS UP AND SOUNDS HORN
206
00:22:05,186 --> 00:22:08,646
It's me father and Mr Dewhirst.
207
00:22:15,846 --> 00:22:18,406
Nature tours?
208
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:32,766
If they think we're going in that,
they've got another think coming!
209
00:22:32,766 --> 00:22:40,206
What's he talking about?
Giant woodpecker! Just be glad it's not ferrets!
210
00:22:42,826 --> 00:22:47,406
I telled thee.
Tha saw how she looked at me.
211
00:22:47,406 --> 00:22:51,926
I've definitely got a hole
in my hormone layer!
212
00:22:51,926 --> 00:22:55,006
You've got holes in more than that!
213
00:22:55,006 --> 00:23:03,486
Maybe it's only temporary.
It'd better be. I couldn't stand not being irresistible to women!
214
00:23:03,486 --> 00:23:06,466
Well, you've still got your ferrets.
215
00:23:11,366 --> 00:23:16,386
I mean, how does a bloke get
the most out of his twilight years?
216
00:23:16,386 --> 00:23:21,046
I believe in a mug of cocoa
last thing at night.
217
00:23:21,046 --> 00:23:24,086
Can I have your attention, please?
218
00:23:24,086 --> 00:23:24,126
Attention, please. Thank you.
219
00:23:24,126 --> 00:23:27,106
Now, ladies,
220
00:23:29,726 --> 00:23:34,786
this is a rare visitor
and a very shy creature.
221
00:23:34,786 --> 00:23:40,386
When we get near to it, you will
remember that we have to have absolute quiet.
222
00:23:40,386 --> 00:23:43,466
Who's going to keep HIM quiet?
223
00:23:43,466 --> 00:23:51,846
I shall instruct you all briefly
in the art of silent moving, as practised in the jungles of Burma.
224
00:23:55,986 --> 00:23:58,486
VEHICLE APPROACHES
225
00:24:02,846 --> 00:24:06,366
STOP ! Stop the bus!
226
00:24:09,686 --> 00:24:12,006
Now what?
227
00:24:17,686 --> 00:24:20,206
Has tha any lucky charms?
228
00:24:24,086 --> 00:24:29,086
Why did you do that?
I need all the 'elp I can get.
229
00:24:40,806 --> 00:24:47,286
Right, Wesley, just go and park it
down there. We'll be back in a little while.
230
00:24:53,446 --> 00:24:55,946
Well, go on, over you go.
231
00:25:06,306 --> 00:25:14,326
What a great trip (!) It's cost me
a fortune in lucky charms, and now I'm ploughing through nettles!
232
00:25:14,326 --> 00:25:19,346
And nobody looks better
ploughing through nettles. Ohh!
233
00:25:19,346 --> 00:25:24,306
I wouldn't have minded a lucky
charm. They sold me a ribbon!
234
00:25:26,966 --> 00:25:31,926
Will you keep your voices down?
We're nearly there!
235
00:25:43,186 --> 00:25:46,246
If you listen carefully, ladies,
236
00:25:46,246 --> 00:25:54,286
we may soon hear something.
YOU'll soon hear something if you've brought us all this way for nothing!
237
00:25:54,286 --> 00:26:00,546
I've laddered my good stockings!
Lucky charms are working already.
238
00:26:00,546 --> 00:26:06,506
I wish my Barry was here.
He's very fond of wildlife.
239
00:26:06,506 --> 00:26:11,966
It's to be hoped they never hear
about it at the building society.
240
00:26:14,946 --> 00:26:21,946
Does tha think it'll work, Norm,
me lucky charm? Don't ask me. I've got a ribbon.
241
00:26:21,946 --> 00:26:26,966
I think I can hear something.
Where is it? Quiet, please, ladies!
242
00:26:26,966 --> 00:26:29,526
Now listen...
243
00:26:29,526 --> 00:26:32,526
SILENCE
244
00:26:33,586 --> 00:26:37,346
- Oh, Marina!
- Oh, Howard!
245
00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:40,246
Oh, yes?
246
00:26:53,646 --> 00:26:58,846
I expect you're wondering what I'm
doing up a tree with a young lady.
247
00:27:12,686 --> 00:27:16,146
Oh, that brings back memories, eh?
248
00:27:17,526 --> 00:27:20,606
Who's got me in a friendly grasp?
249
00:27:20,606 --> 00:27:26,886
Hey up, it's Nora Batty.
Me lucky charm, it's beginning to work, Norm!
250
00:27:26,886 --> 00:27:29,886
Oh, get off, will you?
251
00:28:37,026 --> 00:28:42,246
Wait a minute... THIS way.
252
00:28:42,296 --> 00:28:46,846
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