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1
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:43,980
Hey up!
2
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:49,960
Just when you think life's not
worth living! Just when you've had a naff day on the horses!
3
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:56,040
Along comes... Don't stand there
embarrassing people! ..this vision of wrinkled bad temper!
4
00:00:56,040 --> 00:01:03,500
The sun starts shining, the birds
start singing, and the ferrets... Well, you know what ferrets are.
5
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:10,460
Have you been throwing your money
away again? Listen, lass, one day, I'll be a big winner!
6
00:01:10,460 --> 00:01:14,640
And it's thee and me
for the Orient Express.
7
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:21,540
First Class,
champagne, and all manner of them poncy little chips!
8
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:27,100
You'll not get me to no Orient where
no woman's safe! That's Blackpool.
9
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:32,620
Me mother would turn in her grave
if she thought I was in the Orient.
10
00:01:32,620 --> 00:01:36,700
What would she say
to a week in Mablethorpe?
11
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:41,340
Or any pub between
here and Huddersfield?
12
00:01:41,340 --> 00:01:45,780
Or my best bedroom!
That's a final offer!
13
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,320
I have an announcement to make.
14
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:21,980
Hey up! I didn't mean
to get thee so excited!
15
00:02:24,220 --> 00:02:33,340
Well, here it comes,
like it or not. Financial flash! I am very short of the readies!
16
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:38,280
Cash flow
is a definite problem!
17
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:47,520
Technically speaking,
I suppose tha could say I was S-C-I-N-T, skint!
18
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:58,540
I see they've painted double yellow
lines in Procter Street.
19
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:05,060
I think some nice pastel shade
would have been better.
20
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:09,980
Procter Street needs
all the pastel shades it can get.
21
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:36,800
I don't know what I'm going to do
for grub the rest of the week. I've got mice leaving home.
22
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:47,740
If me stomach shrinks any more,
me trousers will will fall down. ..Oops!
23
00:03:47,740 --> 00:03:50,320
I told thee!
24
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,580
Cover yourself up, man!
25
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:58,660
What's a sheep going to think
if it sees you like that?
26
00:03:58,660 --> 00:04:03,980
How is it going to feel to see
its wool finishing up like this?
27
00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:10,560
They slipped down...
off my empty stomach.
28
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,280
I'm vanishing into a shadow!
29
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,560
The Shadow. I like it!
30
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:23,580
The Shadow strikes again! You'll be
pleased to know that people can go for weeks without food.
31
00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:29,060
I'm sure he's pleased to know that.
Education is a marvellous thing.
32
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:36,440
We used to go for days without food
and then have to fight the Japanese.
33
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:43,220
And THEY went for WEEKS.
Extremely gifted at going without food, your Japanese.
34
00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:47,860
Listen, Prunella,
I'm NOT Japanese!
35
00:04:47,860 --> 00:04:54,560
Well, that bit looks Japanese.
Maybe it's a trick of the light.
36
00:04:54,560 --> 00:05:02,780
Or perhaps everyone has something
that's a bit Japanese. They say we're all brothers under the skin.
37
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:09,040
I wonder which bit is Welsh,
and is it liable to spring a leak?
38
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,280
You get your morning rush over.
39
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:33,120
You're just enjoying
a minute's peace when the door opens and... Oh, well!
40
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:41,040
One cup of your delicious tea,
please, Ivy. Oh, and a king-size sticky bun! And again, please, Ivy.
41
00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,440
Not for me, lass.
42
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:56,100
He's broke. Surprise, surprise!
No credit given!
43
00:05:56,100 --> 00:06:03,180
I'll sit and watch. You'll STAND
and watch! Chairs are for customers!
44
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:08,260
By heck. When you're flat skint,
tha knows who tha friends are!
45
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:13,620
Who's your friend?
Never seen him before. Hm...
46
00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:20,760
Doesn't look like
anybody's friend to me. I understand he's part Japanese.
47
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:28,880
You'll all be jealous when
I've slimmed down and I'm like a magnet to women. Maggot?
48
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,320
Magnet!
49
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,680
Oh. Sorry.
50
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:40,760
'Course, some folk might be
embarrassed tucking into things when their mates are broke.
51
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:46,580
Yes, I imagine some people might be.
Are you embarrassed, Clegg?
52
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:51,560
Not so much as on my honeymoon. I
could cope with anything after that.
53
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:59,180
Yeah, well, I think
I'd better wait outside before my trousers fall down again!
54
00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:03,240
I should think so!
We've no licence for entertainment!
55
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,920
Eli!
56
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,400
Compo!
57
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:28,360
Listen... What? Lend us a quid.
Oh, no problem!
58
00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,540
Eli!
59
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:49,280
They want
to put something round these holes!
60
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:58,260
Right, now, just stand there,
you see? And pretend you're a Japanese sentry.
61
00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:03,360
Now, I'm going to creep up behind
you, and you won't hear a sound.
62
00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:10,640
I shall move like a phantom,
avoiding every twig.
63
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,380
What'll you do when you get here?
64
00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:24,460
We'll worry about that
when I get there. I'd rather worry about it now!
65
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:29,880
Just stand there, will you, and
pretend you're a ruthless Japanese!
66
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,520
Not exactly typecasting, is it?
67
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:40,660
Don't you think we ought to go
outside and give Compo a bun? No, I don't!
68
00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:45,280
I think we ought to teach him
a lesson.
69
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:53,800
Right. Now... I'm coming.
So... Be on your guard.
70
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:16,420
What the blood
and stomach pills...!? Ohh!
71
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:21,200
I heard you!
I heard you!
72
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,700
Hey up!
73
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:35,600
I know it's probably a silly
question, but what were you doing?
74
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:44,160
Oh, I was creeping up
on this ruthless Japanese sentry. Trying to avoid every twig.
75
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,140
There aren't any twigs in here!
76
00:09:53,881 --> 00:09:56,721
Where are we going?
77
00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:04,621
Where are we GOING ? To see Smiler.
He's an expert on part-time jobs since he lodged with Nora Batty.
78
00:10:04,621 --> 00:10:09,821
Norman! Don't expect sympathy from
me. I'm a ruthless Japanese sentry.
79
00:10:09,821 --> 00:10:14,901
A little part-time job won't hurt
you. It will. I can feel it already.
80
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:19,941
It's time you put your back into
something. That's it! Me back!
81
00:10:19,941 --> 00:10:27,061
Oh! Oh, my back! Ohh! Don't argue
with him. He'll creep up behind you and smash the furniture.
82
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:31,561
You'll thank me
when you've got a steady income.
83
00:10:31,561 --> 00:10:39,221
And the entire catchment area will
thank me when you can afford new trousers. What's Smiler doing now?
84
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:43,201
Nora Batty's
found him a very secure position.
85
00:10:58,341 --> 00:11:03,701
I'm not doing that. You don't have
to do that. Smiler's doing that.
86
00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:08,781
Lucky Smiler. He looks terrible!
Well, he always looks terrible.
87
00:11:08,781 --> 00:11:13,841
How long does he have to stay
like that? Oh, he's only part-time.
88
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:20,841
Where are you going?
I might as well try to negotiate a small loan with Uncle Henry.
89
00:11:20,841 --> 00:11:26,881
I've told you before. Borrowing is
no good. You've got to EARN.
90
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:43,181
Ye gods! Has he been in an accident?
No... He... He always dresses like this.
91
00:11:43,181 --> 00:11:46,941
Oh, READY for an accident! Clever!
92
00:11:46,941 --> 00:11:54,481
Hey up! Don't get cheeky! It's been
some great stuff, has this. I've had some great wear out of this!
93
00:11:54,481 --> 00:12:01,381
And it shows.
YOU'VE not been in lately either! This is a demob suit!
94
00:12:01,381 --> 00:12:06,421
And I'm never letting it go in case
I have to fight for another!
95
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:14,521
It's been a hard life round here.
There's a natural resistance to tailoring. Perhaps we could help you.
96
00:12:14,521 --> 00:12:19,561
And I'll tell you how. Would you
mind if I let you out the back way?
97
00:12:19,561 --> 00:12:27,061
It won't do me any good if people
see him leaving the premises. Ah, but what if he didn't leave?
98
00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:34,001
Suppose he appeared in your window
in his full glory? Ragged. Tattered. Half an inch away from scandalous.
99
00:12:34,001 --> 00:12:36,581
A quarter.
100
00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:44,101
You must be joking!
With a sign that says, "Don't look like this. Get a new suit!"
101
00:12:48,461 --> 00:12:52,241
Is he expensive? Aye. No! Moderate!
102
00:12:52,241 --> 00:12:56,661
No, I'm sorry.
I can't afford moderate.
103
00:12:56,661 --> 00:13:00,801
Times are hard.
Dirt cheap is best I can do.
104
00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:08,961
I'm not working for dirt cheap.
I don't see why not. I always did.
105
00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:16,261
Beggars can't be choosers.
Beggars! Forget it. You are not going begging.
106
00:13:16,261 --> 00:13:23,821
I reckon I could do begging.
You must admit, he's dressed for it. If he smartens up a bit. I will!
107
00:13:23,821 --> 00:13:31,621
No! There must be a job for
you somewhere. We'll go and see Smiler and see how he found his.
108
00:13:40,641 --> 00:13:43,321
How do, Smiler?
109
00:13:43,321 --> 00:13:48,221
Ask him how he got the job.
Just lucky, I guess.
110
00:13:48,221 --> 00:13:51,641
How'd tha get the job, Smiler?
111
00:13:51,641 --> 00:13:54,161
The job!
112
00:13:54,161 --> 00:13:58,781
How do you find
a job like that?
113
00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:01,441
Uncomfortable?
114
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:07,081
Did you get it personally,
or have you got an agent?
115
00:14:07,081 --> 00:14:11,341
It's no good.
He's as thick as a brick.
116
00:14:11,341 --> 00:14:13,881
Let's go inside.
117
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:24,721
Ohh....hm...
118
00:14:24,721 --> 00:14:29,181
Looks like this place
could do with a loan.
119
00:14:29,181 --> 00:14:33,901
They don't believe
in a flash public image.
120
00:14:45,441 --> 00:14:49,001
It's Auntie Wainwright.
121
00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:55,421
Not on these premises.
Here, it's Uncle Henry. Limited.
122
00:14:55,421 --> 00:15:00,201
Auntie Wainwright
is Uncle Henry Ltd?
123
00:15:00,201 --> 00:15:07,761
Would you want a loan
from Auntie Wainwright? I wouldn't want one from Uncle Henry Ltd.
124
00:15:07,761 --> 00:15:15,261
People like you stop people like me
earning money. We didn't mean to intrude, Auntie...Henry.
125
00:15:15,261 --> 00:15:22,401
We just wanted a word
with your dummy in the window. You can't. He's working.
126
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:30,161
If we pay, can we have a word
with your dummy in the window? That's different.
127
00:15:43,121 --> 00:15:46,241
Too many pet shops in the area.
128
00:15:47,721 --> 00:15:55,581
Nora's the driving force.
She gets Smiler these jobs. Maybe she could find you one.
129
00:15:55,581 --> 00:16:02,801
She could if she played
her cards right. Listen... in the interest of cowardice...
130
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:09,941
You're just going to ring the bell?
Why not? It's a perfectly legitimate errand.
131
00:16:09,941 --> 00:16:17,561
Like Red Riding Hood's,
and look what happened to her. Retreat is not in my vocabulary.
132
00:16:20,601 --> 00:16:28,941
Flanking movements, however,
are something I might be prepared to consider.
133
00:16:30,941 --> 00:16:35,441
You need the job.
You ring the bell.
134
00:16:37,921 --> 00:16:45,381
I'm going, I'm going. I've spent
a lifetime tryin' to get in positions to ring Nora's bell.
135
00:16:45,381 --> 00:16:47,801
Watch this.
136
00:16:54,861 --> 00:17:01,881
What do you want?
Relax! Don't stand there lookin' like Joan Crawford.
137
00:17:01,881 --> 00:17:09,261
Lighten up. It's me, Sugar Lips.
I'm lookin' for work, lass. About time.
138
00:17:11,181 --> 00:17:13,921
Ring it again. Explain to her.
139
00:17:17,521 --> 00:17:25,141
Have you nothing better to do
than be ringing people's bells? Can I ask thee a personal question?
140
00:17:25,141 --> 00:17:30,181
How do you keep finding Smiler
all these jobs? Incentive.
141
00:17:30,181 --> 00:17:34,981
Would you like him
under your feet all day?
142
00:17:35,461 --> 00:17:38,281
So much for work.
143
00:17:38,281 --> 00:17:43,001
Looks as though
I'll have to go begging.
144
00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:48,701
You're not well enough dressed
to go begging. That's true.
145
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:55,841
Maybe I could find someone
to buy me a pint while I think of something.
146
00:18:07,581 --> 00:18:12,041
Pints go quicker these days.
Yours do.
147
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,721
It's since we went metric.
148
00:18:15,721 --> 00:18:18,661
I could murder another.
149
00:18:18,661 --> 00:18:21,681
Not on me, you don't.
150
00:18:21,681 --> 00:18:26,701
Where are you going?
To see if me credit's good.
151
00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:37,161
Ho-oh. Here!
152
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:50,421
D'you think we ought to buy him
another one?
153
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:53,921
No, it's time he learnt
his lesson.
154
00:18:53,921 --> 00:19:01,341
One thing I can't stand
is bad language and people asking for credit. That's two things.
155
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:08,641
And know-it-alls
that keep correcting you. That's three things.
156
00:19:08,641 --> 00:19:16,481
It'd be a good man
who'd get credit round here. And here he comes now.
157
00:19:16,481 --> 00:19:19,201
A-haar! A-haar!
158
00:19:21,481 --> 00:19:24,621
A-haar, a-haar, a-haar!
159
00:19:26,401 --> 00:19:29,581
Good evening, me old hearties!
160
00:19:29,581 --> 00:19:32,621
What about it, then?
161
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:36,761
Oh, let's get him out of here.
162
00:19:38,861 --> 00:19:45,801
How could you sink so low?
If a job's worth doin', it's worth doin' reet.
163
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:48,921
Huh, Henry Ford the Second.
164
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:52,321
Listen! A band.
165
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:59,521
Hey up, I like a band.
166
00:19:59,521 --> 00:20:05,081
Could do with sharpening up
the marching beat, whoever they are.
167
00:20:09,701 --> 00:20:14,381
I think we've cracked it
this time, love.
168
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:19,321
Anybody sees us together now,
they'll think we're just practising.
169
00:20:19,321 --> 00:20:24,821
I wouldn't mind if we occasionally
DID get a bit of practice, Howard.
170
00:20:45,101 --> 00:20:51,821
Didn't I see your lodger
trapped in a shop window? Yes.
171
00:20:51,821 --> 00:20:56,381
It gets 'em out
from under your feet.
172
00:20:56,381 --> 00:21:00,661
He's very long
to be trapped in a shop window.
173
00:21:00,661 --> 00:21:05,741
You weren't brought up
to be noticing how long people are.
174
00:21:06,561 --> 00:21:09,221
Oh, Mother!
175
00:21:09,221 --> 00:21:12,741
How did you talk him
into that?
176
00:21:12,741 --> 00:21:16,841
I asked him if he'd like
a job in show-biz.
177
00:21:16,841 --> 00:21:19,781
He couldn't get there fast enough.
178
00:21:19,781 --> 00:21:23,981
Has he ambitions
in that direction?
179
00:21:23,981 --> 00:21:29,561
I believe he has a leaning
towards dramatic monologues.
180
00:21:29,561 --> 00:21:32,561
Well, he's got the face for it.
181
00:21:34,441 --> 00:21:37,841
They're ALL interested in show-biz.
182
00:21:37,841 --> 00:21:44,241
My Barry's not interested
in show-biz. Well, count your blessings.
183
00:21:44,241 --> 00:21:47,241
It's good to have a slow metabolism.
184
00:21:47,241 --> 00:21:55,721
Mine's taken up music.
After all these years, suddenly he's manic about a bugle.
185
00:21:55,721 --> 00:21:58,801
They're very hard to understand.
186
00:21:58,801 --> 00:22:01,701
I gave up trying.
187
00:22:01,701 --> 00:22:07,241
The only thing to do is remind
yourself that you know best.
188
00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:15,001
Fortunately, deep down
they really believe we DO know best.
189
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:19,721
It just shows they can be sensible
when they try.
190
00:22:25,561 --> 00:22:33,641
This is no place to be short
of money. Auntie Wainwright gets very short with that.
191
00:22:33,641 --> 00:22:40,341
I'll wait outside.
She'll sell me something. No, she won't.
192
00:22:40,341 --> 00:22:47,961
We've come here
to strike a bargain. Seeing Marina and that big drum gave me an idea.
193
00:22:47,961 --> 00:22:55,681
Well, tha'll not get anything
here, not from Auntie Wainwright. Even if she IS Uncle Henry, Ltd.
194
00:22:55,681 --> 00:23:02,601
Don't be touching anything!
Everything's wired! You'll be electrocuted.
195
00:23:02,601 --> 00:23:05,321
She means it.
196
00:23:05,321 --> 00:23:08,441
No, that's just bluff.
197
00:23:08,441 --> 00:23:10,841
Good G...
198
00:23:14,801 --> 00:23:17,361
Well, it's not a bad bluff.
199
00:23:18,341 --> 00:23:24,381
Well, are you selling or buying?
What's the difference? About 75%.
200
00:23:24,381 --> 00:23:32,101
Dear lady... Oh, he's right there.
I'm about as dear as they come. You have to be to survive.
201
00:23:32,101 --> 00:23:37,861
A poor defenceless old woman.
Poor? Tha owns half the street.
202
00:23:37,861 --> 00:23:42,361
Three-quarters.
Now, what can I do for you?
203
00:23:44,401 --> 00:23:47,581
Will somebody give me a hand?
204
00:23:50,321 --> 00:23:52,841
Mind the step.
205
00:23:55,321 --> 00:23:57,841
That's my boy.
206
00:23:57,841 --> 00:24:00,361
All right.
207
00:24:00,361 --> 00:24:05,081
BANGS DRUM
208
00:24:38,761 --> 00:24:44,641
ROUSING MARCH
209
00:24:57,541 --> 00:25:02,201
So you see, he's going to need
some transport.
210
00:25:02,201 --> 00:25:08,841
What for?
Ah, well, that will all be revealed in just a moment.
211
00:25:11,921 --> 00:25:16,401
BANGING DRUM
212
00:25:20,881 --> 00:25:23,361
What is it?
213
00:25:23,361 --> 00:25:26,341
It'll all become clear in a moment.
214
00:25:31,241 --> 00:25:33,721
TOOT TOOT
215
00:25:33,721 --> 00:25:36,561
How do, Wes?
216
00:25:36,561 --> 00:25:44,101
Ye gods, they don't make
chassis like that anymore. It's alright for making a noise.
217
00:25:44,101 --> 00:25:49,321
But what's he going to do
when he just wants to tinkle?
218
00:25:59,341 --> 00:26:04,401
RADIO ON
Makes conversation difficult.
219
00:26:04,401 --> 00:26:11,301
WHAT ? The radio.
I said, it makes conversation difficult.
220
00:26:11,301 --> 00:26:15,381
Oh, aye.
It makes conversation difficult.
221
00:26:15,381 --> 00:26:20,721
I find it interferes
with a person's war stories.
222
00:26:20,721 --> 00:26:23,401
Stop!
223
00:26:25,641 --> 00:26:28,081
Stop!
224
00:26:28,081 --> 00:26:30,641
Will you slow down ?!
225
00:26:30,641 --> 00:26:36,761
Or better still, stop.
I need something to hang on to. Stop!
226
00:26:40,541 --> 00:26:46,621
Pull into this pub car park.
He can try out his act here.
227
00:26:46,621 --> 00:26:52,681
Has he got an act?
He's had plenty of time in the back to rehearse it.
228
00:27:16,161 --> 00:27:19,341
STRANGE MUSICAL NOISES
229
00:27:25,661 --> 00:27:31,121
What's happened to him?
Went completely musical.
230
00:27:31,121 --> 00:27:38,761
He'll be fine once he's had
his piccolo removed. I've been saying that for years.
231
00:27:38,761 --> 00:27:45,681
Is that Nora Batty? Stand back.
Let me give this lass a musical treat.
232
00:27:45,681 --> 00:27:51,421
Whenever I see me Nora...
Me heart beats like a drum
233
00:27:51,421 --> 00:27:55,901
Boom boom boom
I feel that overcome
234
00:27:55,901 --> 00:28:00,621
Whenever I see me Nora
Me cymbal skips a beat
235
00:28:00,621 --> 00:28:04,801
Me tweeter gives a tweet...
Aaaggh!
236
00:28:40,461 --> 00:28:44,941
Subtitles by Wilma Campbell
BBC 1992
237
00:28:44,991 --> 00:28:49,541
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
21616
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