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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:57,780 NOISE LIKE A MACHINE GUN Take cover! What's wrong? 2 00:01:00,633 --> 00:01:05,093 I'm sorry. It's the training, you know. 3 00:01:05,093 --> 00:01:10,053 These things look just like the mouth of an enemy pill-box. 4 00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:15,593 You see, I'm used to creeping up on these things at great personal risk 5 00:01:15,593 --> 00:01:18,473 and lobbing the odd grenade inside. 6 00:01:18,473 --> 00:01:25,933 You scared the life out of me. It's bad enough when they keep your card. I wondered what I'd done this time! 7 00:01:25,933 --> 00:01:30,833 Forgive me. I thought I was saving you from the jaws of death. 8 00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:36,133 It's a good job it's only a cash dispenser. I've no grenades on me. 9 00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:15,693 Why are you following me? I just happen to be going the same way. 10 00:02:15,693 --> 00:02:21,013 Funny! You've been going the same way round the last three corners. 11 00:02:21,013 --> 00:02:26,213 There you are, you see. It's fate. We were meant to be together. 12 00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:32,133 That old black magic has me in its spell... Get off! 13 00:02:42,873 --> 00:02:47,333 You're late on parade. Where have you been? 14 00:02:48,713 --> 00:02:55,733 I've been following Nora Batty. She probably looks better from that direction. 15 00:02:55,733 --> 00:03:01,753 She looks great from any direction. Why were you following her? 16 00:03:01,753 --> 00:03:04,773 Why was I following her? Mm. 17 00:03:04,773 --> 00:03:11,853 Why does anyone follow Nora Batty? Because she sends a bloke's senses reeling. 18 00:03:11,853 --> 00:03:17,633 And I like to be near in case she's attacked by sailors. 19 00:03:17,633 --> 00:03:20,133 Attacked by sailors? 20 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:27,413 We're 100 miles from the sea. Tha' can't be too careful. I'm taking no chances. 21 00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:31,533 The sailors would be taking the chances! 22 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:38,613 No, love, I've only been gone a few minutes. It's perfectly innocent. 23 00:03:38,613 --> 00:03:44,693 I met this male person outside the newsagent's and we talked a bit. 24 00:03:44,693 --> 00:03:50,873 Who's tha' talking to, Howard? I'm not talking to anybody. 25 00:03:50,873 --> 00:03:55,573 I'm just rehearsing. For what? For when I get home. 26 00:03:55,573 --> 00:04:01,693 For Pearl. She's not somebody you can lie to on a casual basis. 27 00:04:01,693 --> 00:04:07,533 You have to be word perfect. Best of luck, Howard ! 28 00:04:11,393 --> 00:04:18,613 I wonder if it'll work? It never has so far. It's none of our business. 29 00:04:24,593 --> 00:04:29,133 ..We talked outside the newsagent's. SMASH ! 30 00:04:29,133 --> 00:04:36,053 You've been with her. And don't "Pearl, love" me ! CRASH 31 00:04:36,053 --> 00:04:41,193 He's not quite cracked it yet. No. Should do better next time. 32 00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,813 Oh-oh. 33 00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:52,073 "Do not throw away. Open now. Urgent. Possibly worth a million pounds." 34 00:04:52,073 --> 00:04:54,853 And a gas bill. 35 00:04:54,853 --> 00:04:58,293 I haven't had a letter for ages. 36 00:04:58,293 --> 00:05:03,713 You surprise us (!) We can imagine how many people write to you. 37 00:05:03,713 --> 00:05:06,453 I get mail. I get mail. 38 00:05:06,453 --> 00:05:10,893 From whom? That happens to be MY business. 39 00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:16,813 I know you get red letters from the Gas Board. Timeshare! 40 00:05:16,813 --> 00:05:22,793 Do I want to buy a timeshare in seaview apartments in Tenerife? 41 00:05:22,793 --> 00:05:28,813 Boring old Tenerife? Haven't they got anything else on offer? 42 00:05:28,813 --> 00:05:33,513 You want to be buying a timeshare in some new trousers! 43 00:05:33,513 --> 00:05:39,593 Even if you only got to wear them on Wednesdays, it'd give us a treat. 44 00:05:39,593 --> 00:05:42,273 Listen, Petula... 45 00:05:42,273 --> 00:05:45,333 I've got another pair of trousers. 46 00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:51,033 These are just me casuals. They're quite suitable for everyday wear. 47 00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:55,673 That doesn't mean every day for thirty years. 48 00:05:55,673 --> 00:05:59,353 Give over! These fit me like a glove. 49 00:05:59,353 --> 00:06:05,753 That's the trouble. The next thing you know, there'll be a finger poking out. 50 00:06:05,753 --> 00:06:09,773 He don't believe I've got another pair. 51 00:06:09,773 --> 00:06:14,033 Only because you haven't got another pair. 52 00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:18,293 You had two pairs when you were in the army. 53 00:06:18,293 --> 00:06:23,153 It's no good waiting for another war, because you'll be too old. 54 00:06:23,153 --> 00:06:27,433 There must be other jobs with a uniform. 55 00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:31,353 A job? You want some more trousers. 56 00:06:31,353 --> 00:06:36,793 These trousers are not bad enough for me to need a job. 57 00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:39,253 Yes... 58 00:06:39,253 --> 00:06:44,013 I think your trousers are about to start looking for work. 59 00:06:49,593 --> 00:06:53,493 Let's see...situations vacant. 60 00:06:54,533 --> 00:07:02,233 A job? Does tha' think it's proper at my age? Won't people talk? Relax! It'll probably never happen. 61 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:09,073 But is that a chance I should take? I'll take evasive action. Stay there! 62 00:07:09,073 --> 00:07:14,193 Tha' thinks tha' knows a bloke. Tha' thinks tha's got a mate. 63 00:07:14,193 --> 00:07:19,153 All of a sudden, he's finding thee a job. It's nothing personal. 64 00:07:19,153 --> 00:07:24,653 He's not finding thee a job. I might do. 65 00:07:26,893 --> 00:07:33,393 Here's something. "Security personnel required". That's a job with a uniform. 66 00:07:33,393 --> 00:07:37,753 I could teach you the rudiments of self-defence. 67 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:55,873 Two teas, Ivy. Make 'em hot and strong. For shock. 68 00:07:55,873 --> 00:08:02,633 Have you had an accident? Very nearly. We nearly became security men. 69 00:08:07,013 --> 00:08:12,313 YOU two, security men?! 70 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:19,173 That's what we thought. What genius dreamed that one up? 71 00:08:19,173 --> 00:08:22,133 Who else but the great long dollop? 72 00:08:22,133 --> 00:08:27,053 He thinks he needs new trousers. The uniform was the attraction. 73 00:08:27,053 --> 00:08:31,913 If ever there was a need for security, it's round them trousers. 74 00:08:38,093 --> 00:08:43,073 Get out! All right, all right! Not security men. 75 00:08:43,073 --> 00:08:49,273 We'll find you some other uniform. Not for me. I don't need new trousers. 76 00:08:49,273 --> 00:08:54,453 Neither do I. I don't need a job. Yes, you do. I'll second that. 77 00:08:54,453 --> 00:08:59,413 They're picking on me, Norman. I am going to stay unemployed. 78 00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:05,793 You could do odd jobs here, if you weren't such a bunch of daisies. 79 00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:08,373 Would I get a uniform? NO ! 80 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:13,773 Sorry. Don't think we don't appreciate the offer. 81 00:09:13,773 --> 00:09:19,233 - Is that anybody's car outside? - Not anybody's in here! 82 00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:21,893 By heck! 83 00:09:23,013 --> 00:09:30,213 There's a lass that looks good in a uniform. What's wrong with him? 84 00:09:30,213 --> 00:09:37,773 He can't resist a uniform. Excuse him, madam. His trousers are out of control. 85 00:09:40,593 --> 00:09:46,873 We think they're haunted. Listen, why don't we go away somewhere 86 00:09:46,873 --> 00:09:49,673 and park illegally?! 87 00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:59,233 You... NO ! I am not being a traffic warden. 88 00:10:11,309 --> 00:10:18,369 No. I second that. You couldn't trust him with kids. He'd borrow their pocket money. 89 00:10:18,369 --> 00:10:24,749 I'd be mugging 'em for it. You're right. He's not the responsible type. 90 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:30,749 And I'm not sure they supply trousers, just a long, white raincoat. 91 00:10:30,749 --> 00:10:38,429 If the coat was long enough... No! Perhaps she'd let you try hers when she comes off duty. 92 00:10:53,109 --> 00:10:56,749 There you are, you see. You don't even need trousers. No! 93 00:10:56,749 --> 00:11:00,789 Add a scarf and he'd look like a snowman! 94 00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:08,409 Oh-ho! If that's a polar bear, I've pedalled further than I thought. 95 00:11:15,009 --> 00:11:17,289 All right! All right! 96 00:11:17,289 --> 00:11:23,169 NOT school crossing patrol. I'll find something else. 97 00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:25,929 Just let me think. 98 00:11:25,929 --> 00:11:30,809 Oh, that's good. I like that. Man with surgical support. 99 00:11:33,169 --> 00:11:35,549 Don't interrupt. 100 00:11:36,809 --> 00:11:41,269 Excuse me, Foggy. Quiet, that man! 101 00:11:48,489 --> 00:11:56,089 I've got an idea. It's just come to me. I bet it did (!) Like not standing in the middle of the road. 102 00:12:04,089 --> 00:12:08,529 He's got summat on his mind. For you, not for me. 103 00:12:08,529 --> 00:12:15,989 What distinguishes the military mind from the merely civilian? Being barmy! 104 00:12:15,989 --> 00:12:20,469 Rapid thinking. The ability to react in an instant. 105 00:12:20,469 --> 00:12:23,129 It's your round. No, it's not! 106 00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:28,189 He reacted to that all right. Speed of light. Very impressive. 107 00:12:28,189 --> 00:12:33,209 I'm talking about the ability to learn from every experience. 108 00:12:33,209 --> 00:12:38,269 Even out there on the road. That motorbike taught me something. 109 00:12:38,269 --> 00:12:43,069 We noticed that. It taught thee how to jump out the way. 110 00:12:43,069 --> 00:12:48,849 Even when I was taking evasive action the mind was working. 111 00:12:48,849 --> 00:12:52,949 That motorbike was giving me an idea. 112 00:12:52,949 --> 00:13:00,289 What idea? Don't ask. If you want my advice, this is a good opportunity to get up and leave. 113 00:13:00,289 --> 00:13:06,049 Courier service. Courier service?! 114 00:13:06,049 --> 00:13:13,489 The modern Pony Express. They're in all the cities these days. The only way to beat traffic jams. 115 00:13:13,489 --> 00:13:19,509 Men on motorbikes delivering all the urgent packages of mail. 116 00:13:19,509 --> 00:13:25,689 We haven't got a motorbike. Round here we can start with a push-bike. 117 00:13:25,689 --> 00:13:28,669 I told you we should have left. 118 00:13:34,969 --> 00:13:39,669 POSH VOICE: Wesley, can I speak to you, please? 119 00:13:57,549 --> 00:14:01,269 Wesley, I'd like to speak to you. 120 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:15,389 WESLEY, get your backside in here! 121 00:14:19,169 --> 00:14:22,189 What is it? Are we on fire? 122 00:14:28,589 --> 00:14:35,689 If we were on fire, you'd go up like a rocket. You're a human petrol pump. 123 00:14:35,689 --> 00:14:41,689 You're deaf. I've been shouting for half an hour. I was busy. 124 00:14:41,689 --> 00:14:44,409 Rolling on the floor? 125 00:14:44,409 --> 00:14:50,489 You have to get under cars. Some people get inside them! 126 00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:55,189 They sit in their best suits on the seats. 127 00:14:55,189 --> 00:15:00,829 Why do I have to know the only person who lives underneath? 128 00:15:00,829 --> 00:15:06,589 You can't mend them from the seats. Get those overalls off. 129 00:15:06,589 --> 00:15:11,349 I'll only mucky another pair. You won't! Not today. 130 00:15:11,349 --> 00:15:16,329 You'll keep clean, because I have Mrs Councillor Wainwright coming. 131 00:15:16,329 --> 00:15:23,869 I have no intention of her seeing you looking as though you'd been pulled through a drain! 132 00:15:25,589 --> 00:15:28,009 Get 'em off! 133 00:15:39,789 --> 00:15:45,789 What do you think? Don't ask me! I've never been able to lie properly. 134 00:15:45,789 --> 00:15:50,069 I look a proper twit. But not all over. 135 00:15:50,069 --> 00:15:57,749 Only here and there. You can't expect us to get it 100% right first time. I look a proper twit! 136 00:16:08,169 --> 00:16:12,889 I think you've impressed Nora. She was laughing at me. 137 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:17,589 You know what's wrong, don't you? He needs a uniform. 138 00:16:17,589 --> 00:16:20,929 He needs a smart uniform. 139 00:16:32,029 --> 00:16:36,929 Hello, Wesley. What's tha' doing in there? All immaculate! 140 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:42,989 Hands clean! I've got to keep clean. That's unnatural. 141 00:16:42,989 --> 00:16:49,049 If I move out there, I'll tinker with summat and that'll be it for clean. 142 00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:56,249 Wesley, we need to ask if you know where we'd find some old motorbike racing leathers? 143 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,529 Racing leathers? Who for? 144 00:16:59,529 --> 00:17:04,689 The Pony Express here. Guess who's the pony (!) Be quiet. 145 00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:07,729 Stand there and stamp your hoof! 146 00:17:07,729 --> 00:17:14,069 You can feed him a sugar lump, if you like. It's our new courier service. 147 00:17:14,069 --> 00:17:20,109 It'll be a great asset for businesses in the area. HIM ?! 148 00:17:20,109 --> 00:17:26,069 Listen, I don't want any lip from somebody who's got to keep clean. 149 00:17:27,189 --> 00:17:34,509 Racing leathers? Funny that. You're the second lot this morning wanting racing leathers. 150 00:17:49,009 --> 00:17:51,309 Oh, Marina! 151 00:17:52,209 --> 00:17:55,149 Oooh, Howard! 152 00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:14,189 CR-R-RUNCH 153 00:18:14,409 --> 00:18:17,269 Did I hear hammering? 154 00:18:17,269 --> 00:18:24,629 If your father's hammering, I'll kill him. I told him to keep clean today. 155 00:18:24,629 --> 00:18:30,249 He wouldn't dare hammer if YOU told him to keep clean! 156 00:18:30,249 --> 00:18:37,369 He doesn't know when he's tinkering with something that he shouldn't be tinkering. 157 00:18:37,369 --> 00:18:40,349 I've the same trouble with mine. 158 00:18:41,469 --> 00:18:46,009 It's just males. It starts when they're at school. 159 00:18:46,009 --> 00:18:49,909 You never saw a clean one in the playground. 160 00:18:49,909 --> 00:18:55,989 They were always rolling on the floor. Mine certainly does. 161 00:18:57,609 --> 00:19:00,669 I blame their hormones. 162 00:19:00,669 --> 00:19:08,309 I understand they're continually full of hormones in all their nooks and crannies. 163 00:19:08,309 --> 00:19:16,109 And obviously there's this great hormone which drags them down to the floor. 164 00:19:16,109 --> 00:19:22,889 When it comes to cleanliness, there's very few of them up to catering standards. 165 00:19:22,889 --> 00:19:30,069 Men are like dogs. They're never happy unless they're rolling in something. 166 00:19:31,149 --> 00:19:34,749 Why do dogs roll in things? 167 00:19:34,749 --> 00:19:40,149 To cover their scent. And it takes some covering... 168 00:19:40,149 --> 00:19:44,949 ..when it's some cheap rubbish called 'Tiger Lily'. 169 00:19:44,949 --> 00:19:48,149 Who wears 'Tiger Lily'? Don't ask! 170 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:53,929 It's a bit powerful, is 'Tiger Lily'. 171 00:19:53,929 --> 00:20:00,969 Why has your husband got to stay clean? Occasionally it does him good. 172 00:20:00,969 --> 00:20:07,669 And I want him to look clean when we complain to the Councillor about the drains. 173 00:20:07,669 --> 00:20:14,349 They can be tricky, can drains. Drains can be a nightmare in catering. 174 00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:21,469 No problem at our house. All you can smell is 'Tiger Lily'. 175 00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:28,169 Cake, anyone? Ooh! Ooh, look at these! 176 00:20:28,169 --> 00:20:30,729 My! They're lovely! 177 00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,909 Wait ! 178 00:20:33,909 --> 00:20:38,889 I thought I heard hammering. Mother! 179 00:20:40,509 --> 00:20:46,829 You look better already. What a difference a uniform can make! 180 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,949 He's right. You do look different. 181 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:54,529 I'm taking it off if Nora Batty laughs at me. 182 00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:57,529 No-one will laugh at you. 183 00:21:15,009 --> 00:21:17,569 Right. 184 00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:22,649 Now just think - we can offer the area's first courier service. 185 00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:27,369 Let's see how long it takes you to race across town. 186 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,009 Lucky you! 187 00:21:47,029 --> 00:21:52,269 In my opinion, it's going to take him a while to race across town. 188 00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:55,469 He'll be all right. 189 00:21:55,469 --> 00:21:59,029 CRASH 190 00:22:01,889 --> 00:22:05,009 Yeah, well, it's not all uphill. 191 00:22:05,009 --> 00:22:08,029 He'll be all right going downhill. 192 00:22:27,149 --> 00:22:29,649 Aaagh! 193 00:22:31,769 --> 00:22:35,869 Get out! Go on! Get OUT ! 194 00:22:44,609 --> 00:22:49,609 By heck! That's the nearest I've been to Nora Batty for ages! 195 00:22:55,529 --> 00:23:01,869 I think we're going to have to get him a motorbike. Promotion already? 196 00:23:07,629 --> 00:23:13,589 RAP AT THE DOOR I didn't touch it. I'm clean. 197 00:23:15,149 --> 00:23:18,009 Oh, you lot! 198 00:23:18,009 --> 00:23:22,829 Wesley, we need to borrow one of your old motorbikes. 199 00:23:22,829 --> 00:23:29,609 Something speedy but good-tempered for Billy the Kid here. Watch it, Tonto! 200 00:23:29,609 --> 00:23:36,789 No can do. I'm keeping clean. Still keeping clean? A bit unnatural, isn't it? 201 00:23:36,789 --> 00:23:42,869 It's terrible. How long has tha' got to stay clean? Just today, I hope. 202 00:23:42,869 --> 00:23:48,889 We're not asking you to do anything with the motorbike. She said keep clean. 203 00:23:48,889 --> 00:23:53,909 She said don't tinker with any cars. Cars? Did she mention motorbikes? 204 00:23:53,909 --> 00:23:59,609 Well, no...she didn't actually say anything about...motorbikes... 205 00:24:01,749 --> 00:24:06,249 You look smart in your uniform. I don't feel smart! 206 00:24:06,249 --> 00:24:12,209 You'll see when Clegg takes a photo. I don't know how to handle this. 207 00:24:15,889 --> 00:24:18,549 Give it to me! 208 00:24:18,549 --> 00:24:26,009 It's almost entirely automatic. That's what they said when I went on honeymoon. 209 00:24:26,009 --> 00:24:32,029 Why do I need a photograph? As soon as Wesley gets here with the bike, 210 00:24:32,029 --> 00:24:37,089 we take a photograph of you with the bike for advertising purposes. 211 00:24:37,089 --> 00:24:42,069 Then we circulate it to people. BIKE APPROACHES 212 00:24:49,569 --> 00:24:52,769 She's a great machine, is this. 213 00:24:52,769 --> 00:24:58,049 It's a bit big. BIG ? She's a beast, is this. 214 00:24:58,049 --> 00:25:03,069 Of course she's big. You don't want some piddling little moped. 215 00:25:03,069 --> 00:25:07,949 I should want "some piddling little moped"! 216 00:25:07,949 --> 00:25:15,449 Right, move it over there. I want him standing alongside it while I take a photo. 217 00:25:17,669 --> 00:25:22,229 Have you got it? I've got it! I've got it! 218 00:25:38,029 --> 00:25:40,689 Where's he gone? 219 00:25:41,489 --> 00:25:43,969 Say cheese! 220 00:25:55,629 --> 00:25:58,269 Gone! 221 00:26:00,109 --> 00:26:03,629 Try to stay on your feet this time. 222 00:26:03,629 --> 00:26:10,009 I've got to keep clean. I told you! We should have had a piddling little moped. 223 00:26:10,009 --> 00:26:14,709 Steady! Steady! I'm supposed to keep clean. 224 00:26:14,709 --> 00:26:19,769 Stop going on about keeping clean. You're obsessed. She'll kill me. 225 00:26:19,769 --> 00:26:24,829 Keep your head down and hold on to this. She'll kill me. 226 00:26:24,829 --> 00:26:29,629 You take a tight grip of them handlebars. Aye, aye, sir. 227 00:26:42,729 --> 00:26:45,469 She'll kill him. 228 00:26:45,469 --> 00:26:50,229 I'll kill him. He might still be clean. 229 00:26:50,229 --> 00:26:55,209 He won't necessarily come home covered in oil. 230 00:26:55,209 --> 00:26:58,609 Your father has a gift for that. 231 00:26:58,609 --> 00:27:01,709 DOORBELL 232 00:27:08,129 --> 00:27:11,829 Hello... 233 00:27:12,889 --> 00:27:15,489 Ah... Eh... 234 00:27:15,489 --> 00:27:21,649 Mrs Pagden, courier service. It's Wesley. He's had an accident. 235 00:27:21,649 --> 00:27:24,789 I'm afraid so. He's under a bus! 236 00:27:24,789 --> 00:27:30,049 He's been electrocuted! A house has fallen on him? 237 00:27:30,049 --> 00:27:32,469 Ooh... 238 00:27:34,009 --> 00:27:36,809 Are these his ashes? 239 00:27:40,449 --> 00:27:44,189 Oh, Wesley! All that's left. 240 00:27:45,569 --> 00:27:48,269 His celluloid image. 241 00:27:48,269 --> 00:27:51,769 Oh, Wesley! And covered in oil. 242 00:27:54,689 --> 00:27:59,249 It wasn't his fault. He was attacked by a motorbike. 243 00:28:03,629 --> 00:28:06,909 A good scrub and he'll be fine. 244 00:28:07,329 --> 00:28:10,269 Nobody's perfect. 245 00:28:10,269 --> 00:28:15,189 I thought you'd had an accident. You daft looking... 246 00:28:24,149 --> 00:28:28,589 Oh, look what you've done to me, you daft looking... 247 00:28:48,149 --> 00:28:53,569 Right, we'll see you at the cafe. Bring the bike. Sieg heil ! 248 00:28:53,569 --> 00:28:59,529 Hitler's alive and well and living next-door to Nora Batty. 249 00:28:59,529 --> 00:29:03,609 THUD 250 00:29:04,489 --> 00:29:07,469 I say, have you got a minute? 251 00:29:09,009 --> 00:29:12,289 Stop messing about. Hurry up! 252 00:30:07,629 --> 00:30:12,669 Subtitles by Audrey Flynn 253 00:30:12,719 --> 00:30:17,269 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 22733

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