All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s30e10 Goodnight Sweet Ferret.eng

Offered to show me
Old Heptonstall's leg

I thought we'd done that.

Not since it changed colour.

I'd rather remember him
as basically colourless.

You think that's a compliment?

Colourless is your favourite colour!

You know where you are
with colourless.

Try it on now.
Make sure you're comfy in it. Comfy?

As in, relax?
I'm never going to be comfy in it.

Oh, I see. We're going
in that kind of mood, are we?

It's over the top.

I'm going to look a right tulip.
No more than the others.

So I'll be one of a bunch of tulips,
something else to look forward to(!)

Barry, we are going.

She's my friend and we're going,
and you're going to look your best.

Were you ever married?

I forget.

How can you forget being married?

They blanked my memory
for security purposes.

There could be a Mrs Hobdyke
out there somewhere.

Or even several,
if I've been forgetting them.

More than one?

Everything's possible
when your memory's gone.

I have to live
with these little mysteries.

You should live with the mystery
I have to live with.

How is Pearl this morning?

Same as usual.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Old Heptonstall's
looking for volunteers.

Say no more. How's his leg?
Better than his temper.

You can come along, if you like.

Have you seen his leg?

She'll never believe
it's HIS leg I've gone off with.

Happy birthday.

But don't say, "You shouldn't have."

Oh, thank you,
but you shouldn't have. I knew it.

They always say it.

I say it myself.

I wonder how well it would go down
if we took the advice and stopped doing it. We'd hate you for it.

That's what I thought.

Look, I know I'm a bit early,
but I just wanted to see if he'd remembered this year.

You must be joking.

I told you he wouldn't.

I can't remember
the last time he did remember.

Travis never forgets.

I thought that was elephants.

And Travis.

Birthdays, anniversaries.

Never misses.

Drives you mad.

As if we want our birthdays
remembering at our age.

Well, I wouldn't mind mine
remembering just for once.

There's still time.

He might catch on
before the day's out.

Don't you be giving him any hints.

I want a genuine remember,
or nothing.

What are you doing,
sleeping in the shed?

The only place I can sleep.

She snores.

You don't find these things
out till you're married.

I think they've got that pretty well
covered these days.

Anyway, I like my shed.

Spend most of my time in here,
especially now.

She doesn't like me in the house,
in case I start bleeding.

You're in good hands.

We can handle a little bleeding.
As long as it's somebody else's.

Some of us have bled for England.

Every time we watch
penalty shootout.

If he's going to start bleeding,
I'm going.

You can't go! You haven't heard
what I want yet.

You only have to ask. My team
here are trained and experienced.

I've heard they're
as daft as you are. Ah, yes,

but mine's a memory thing,
theirs is a natural aptitude.

Flatterer(!)

But what's a bloke to do?
You're the only volunteers I've got.

You won't be sorry.

I'm sorry already.

I hate volunteering.

What's to hate? It's simple enough.

I want you to bury Christine for me.

Because she snores?

Shows spirit.

Couldn't you try something
a little less drastic first?

Maybe make her sleep in the shed.

Christine's not my missus.

You've got a lady friend
you want burying?

Christine is a ferret.

WAS a ferret.

My ferret.

I'm going to miss that ferret!

No problem. We can bury a ferret.

Easier than burying wife.

It's not enough you have
an accident, your ferret has to go and die on you.

What did ferret die of?

I think it was worry.
On account of me accident.

I think she wanted
to make sure she went first.

Heppy, that's really touching,

and possibly the daftest thing
I have ever heard.

They're going to be long days now.

Are you sure you don't want us
to bury you with her?

I want her burying nicely,
with respect.

I don't want any fooling about.

As if we would.

At a ferret's funeral.

Have no fear.

We can do this thing in style.

I think you'll find that
I have respect for a man's ferret.

I still miss my little mouse.

I know how you feel.

I know how I feel
about a dead ferret,

and it's not all that thrilled.

She was lovely.

Almost human.

Are you sure
that's such a recommendation?

He won't remember. They never do.

Well, hers remembers.

He remembers every occasion.

Well, yes, Travis is the exception
to the rule, but then, he's weird.

I wouldn't say weird.

No, I don't think I'd say weird.

Oh, go on then. Weird.

The normal ones never remember.
Are you saying ours are normal?

Well, as far as not
remembering, they are.

I wouldn't say mine was normal.

I mean, his normal
is worse than Travis's weird.

For Travis, being weird is normal.

You may as well call it a draw.

What do you want to remember
your birthday for anyway?

I don't. I just want him
to remember it for once.

I've been threatening since last
year that he'd better sharpen up.

And I've been waiting
all year to see if it's sunk in.

When you say you want
her burying nicely,

have you picked a spot in the garden?

Ethel won't have her in the garden!

Not only snores, but anti-ferret.

In some countries,
that's grounds for divorce.

I should think so.

Women are a total blank when
it comes to a passion for ferrets.

So if not's to be the garden...

This is going to get complicated.
I can feel it.

Not with the right kind
of planning and supervision.

I'll see the dearly departed gets
sent off in style. Leave it with me.

I'm not leaving it with anybody.

It's all planned.

I know just where I want her.

She deserves the best.

She's been as close as anything I've
ever known to the perfect companion.

How does Mrs Heptonstall
feel about that?

They don't understand.

It's a man thing.

I know how he feels.

I feel the same about my hen.

You've got a hen? Yes.

One minute, they're here,
and the next...!

Oh, don't set him off again.

You have to think of them
being in a better place.

And talking about place,
where exactly is this ferret?

She's in the fridge.

Oh, a really better place.

She's going to a better place.

I want her laid
to rest in the churchyard.

You know things are on a slide when
they start forgetting your birthday.

I don't think my men ever
lasted long enough to qualify.

He forgot my birthday last week
and it's hers this week.

If he remembers hers
and not mine, there'll be a row.

They can be devious.
How will you know?

I'll ask him. Straight out. Up front.

Oh, being totally honest!

How original! But what if he lies?

I always know
if he's telling porkies.

What a useful gift! Not really.

You get to my age, you have
to put up with being lied to, anyway.

The churchyard can be a bit
testing, but we can do this.

You've come to the right people,
Heppy, we're always up for a challenge. When he says "we,"

of course, he means him.

We think he's partially insane.

They're only joking. They'll be fine.

We have the experience. It's true.
One bad experience after another.

Humour.

They're only joking.

You're not filling me
with confidence.

And another thing,
I can't help wondering,

how long has your ferret
been in the fridge?

Ten days...

16 hours and 47 minutes,

but she's fine.
She's in the freezer compartment.

What does Mrs Heptonstall
think about that?

Give over, man! She doesn't know.

I had to sneak Christine in,
in disguise.

Christine?

The deceased. What kind of burial
is this going to be

if you can't even remember her name?

It's all right.

I once had to remember
the entire Soviet battle plan for Western Europe.

Entirely in the head,

except for a few notes on
the inside of my elastic stocking.

What have you disguised
your ferret as?

A carton of potato waffles.

She's inside. But you'll have
to find her a nicer container.

I'm not having her buried
as a potato waffle.

It's cold. It's still frozen.

Put it down on table.

Not on my table. I'm not having
dead ferrets on my table.

You call this cold?

I've had to handle
the dead in Siberia.

As you do.

Look, if we need a new container,
shouldn't we take a look at her?

We ought to know what size she is.

She's size dead,
that's close enough for me.

We're going to have to look at her,

to see what we need
for a new container. I can wait.

Well, I'm going to have a look.
We ought to know which end up she is.

It's only decent.

How does she look?

Like a potato waffle.

Wow! When Heppy says disguised,
he really means disguised.

It is a potato waffle, you dimwit.

You've sneaked the wrong carton!

I had to do it quick
before his missus came back.

I like it. I don't mind
a dead potato waffle.

I don't know why Pearl expects him
to remember her birthday.

They never remember birthdays.

Except their own.
They remember their own.

They have a gift
for being good to themselves. Ah.

Perhaps we shouldn't
complain about them.

Why not?

You've got me there.

Did yours ever
remember your birthday?

We were in the pub trade.
By the time he got upstairs,

he couldn't remember
which way up he was.

Oh, I couldn't sleep
with anybody drunk. No, me neither.

I was in the next bedroom.

What did he make of that?
He never noticed.

He used to sleep like the dead,

and I used to complain
about his snoring,

so he'd think I must have been there.

That's a bit crafty, Stella.

Well, in the pub trade, love,
it's known as management.

Was he always a big drinker?

No. The week before he died,
he started cutting down considerably.

Oh, nice to know he went
in a positive frame of mind.

I never thought I'd miss him.

It sneaks up on you.

You argue for 40 years, and somehow,
they've become indispensable.

Who was it?

There's nobody there.

There must be somebody.

Well, there's nobody here.

You, er...

you don't think...?

What?
(We were just talking about him!)

He used to do that.

He was always doing that.
He'd half come in and then

he'd remember something
and he'd go back out again.

I don't think it was your old man.

You see some very funny things
in the pub trade.

Oh, give over, Stella!

You're on unlicensed premises now.

There's no funny stuff
allowed in here.

Got it this time. How does she look?

Like a dead ferret.

Sounds reasonable.

You live there.

You're not going to tell me, are you?

Tell you what?
What you've bought her.

Bought who? Pearl.

Why should I buy anything for...?

That's right.

Her birthday.

I thought we'd never get
to the top of this hill.

I could swear you begin to feel
your age, even in your early forties.

Well, at least you forgot
both our birthdays,

so I suppose I can forgive you.
I'm in a forgiving mood.

Maybe this could turn out
to be a birthday, after all.

Howard?

Howard?

I've emptied the chocolates
in the fridge, and the good news is,

Christine fits quite snugly.

She looks really peaceful.

Although I'm still not
happy with her on my table.

Oh, stop fussing. There.

Big improvement on potato waffles.

She's gone upmarket.
Heppy wanted her to go in style.

Buried in ribbon, nice touch.

The thing that worries me
about this burial is,

will we get the money out of Heppy
for this box of chocolates?

Big spender.

Can we get practical here? What
are we going to dig the hole with?

Come on,
we'll find something in the shed.

Hobbo, what can I get
for Pearl's birthday, like now?

Hobbo!

Hobbo!

Ooh!

Who's a lucky boy, then?

All right, come on.
Who's been messing about?

There's a note.

From a dead ferret? Here.

Howard's borrowed the chocolates
for Pearl's birthday.

He says he'll replace them
as soon as he can get to the shops.

Ooh!

Happy birthday, Pearl!

Good day, ladies!

I trust you've enjoyed
some happy shopping?

Which is more than you do.
You never do any shopping for anyone.

Or any occasion.

I leave it to the experts.

Let me take your coats,
and hang them up for you. Thank you.

What's up with him?

I don't know, and I don't like it.

There's something brewing.

Well, how are you planning
to find out?

I'll ask him.

Now, that is ingenious.

Well, I always know when he's lying.

How do you manage that?
I just assume he's always lying.

Tea, anyone? Kettle's boiling.

I know how it feels.

You're in a good mood.

Why not? The sun's shining.

It's not shining. It looks like rain.

Not to me. To me, it looks like
it's going to be a nice day.

When has he ever been this cheerful?

Once, when I had to go and stay
with my mother for a week.

He nearly broke his face
trying to look sad about it.

Maybe he's won something.

Travis once went nearly potty
when he won a free kitchen.

It cost us an arm and a leg.

Wipe that smirk off your face.

You weren't built
for looking relaxed.

Close your eyes.

I beg your pardon!

Those little built-in binoculars
you've got,

with radar and full night vision.

Watch it!

Just close them a minute. What for?

Oh, go on, humour him.

You'll only be obeying him once.
It won't be habit-forming.

Would you close your eyes for Travis?

Sometimes, when I look at Travis,
they close automatically.

Can I have your attention, please?

What have you got behind your back?

Usually, it's you,
but on this occasion...

Oh!
Thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?

Ooh...

Oh,, I'd... Oh...

Oh, look.

How do you get
a birthday present back?

I'll think of something.

The experienced leader
knows when to delegate.

Entwistle, think of something.

I think I'll go home.

Oh, no, you don't!

We're in this together.

There's a dead ferret in there,
and we promised it a decent burial.

You promised.
I was speaking for all of us.

Maybe Pearl won't open
box straightaway.

PIERCING SCREAM

See how neatness counts.

The things you can do
with trained needlework fingers.

You can't tell it's been opened.

Right! Over the wall.

Give me a hand.
Well, lift your leg higher.

It's fastened at the other end.

Entwistle, lift his leg.

Sorry, I'm lifting shovel.

You saw that?

Yeah. Three. With a shovel.

I noticed that.

You're telling me
I didn't just imagine it?

You didn't just imagine it.

There's probably a perfectly
innocent explanation.

For a shovel?

You're right.

And then, there's that fancy box.

All done up with a fancy ribbon.

Yeah. You know what
we're looking at, don't you?

Voodoo.

Church, shovel, fancy ribbon.
There'll be a chicken in that box.

Animal sacrifice?

In daylight?

In Yorkshire?

You get McDonald's, Starbucks,
next thing you know is...

But would they be doing it
in daylight?

But it's not daylight
where that stuff comes from, is it?

They've probably got
their watches set to voodoo time.

It's probably midnight
over there right now.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Lift your chin.

Both of them.

You don't look like a muffin.

You look very distinguished.

I hate the hat.
I want a picture of you in the hat.

If it's amusement you're after,
I'll do you a song and dance.

Put the hat on. Or else, what?

It's going to eat
into your quality time.

Oh, it suits you.

Oh, don't say that. You don't
want to be known as somebody

who looks good in a daft hat. Relax.

It's unlikely there'll be anyone
here who knows you.

They only know me. Psst!

'Ay up, Barry.

Alvin!

It's one of those nobodys
who doesn't know me.

Looking good, Barry.

I like the outfit, Glenda.

Like the outfit, Barry.
What's the shovel for?

It's a little service for a friend.

Love the hat, Glenda. Thank you.

It's always been a regret
of mine that men don't get to wear really attractive hats.

You mean you had to kill people
wearing a boring old trilby?

Like the hat, Barry. Give over!

Yes, well, must be off. Things to do.

Enjoy the wedding.

We'll lose them if they mingle
with the wedding crowd.

They'll be carrying
that fancy chocolate box.

Hold this a minute, will you, Barry?

Over there, please.

Glenda! Glad you made it, love.

Glad you did. Oh, finally.

So this is your Barry. He's lovely!

And you've told him my guilty secret!
How sweet of you both.

I'm going to need to snack
before the reception.

PIERCING SCREAMS

We think it's voodoo.

Voodoo?

You haven't touched it, have you?

It touched us.

Oh! You know what this means?

You've been chosen.

Good job I came along.

I might be the only man
in Yorkshire who knows how

to lift the curse from this thing.

Trust me. I served undercover
in Haiti.

In a nightie?

Haiti.

Papa Doc! Next to Santa Domingo.

In a nightie!

Good, good. Now, face east,
bow and turn round three times.

Yes, not only a proper cemetery,
she had full military honours.

And a police escort.

That's nice, lads.

I'm really touched.

When were you in Haiti?

I forget.

So maybe wasn't Haiti.

Maybe it WAS a nightie.

If I've ever worn a nightie,
it would have been in the interests of national security.

Doesn't sound all that secure to me.

I'm grounded.

You remembered her birthday.

I know!

It's so unfair!

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