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1
00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:03,480
I said, "Good morning."
2
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,820
He said, "Don't come too close,
I'm a target."
3
00:00:06,820 --> 00:00:09,160
He thinks he's a target.
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,560
I arrested one once who thought
he was a drinks dispenser.
5
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,580
Oh, well you know where you
are with a drinks dispenser.
6
00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:33,500
Morning, Mr Hobdyke. No names.
7
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,480
Never mention the name. Sorry?
8
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:41,020
People, even as we speak,
are looking for that name.
9
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:43,020
How much do you owe?
10
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,540
I don't owe anything.
11
00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:51,160
These are highly trained
lethal people. I'm a target.
12
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,820
Wow!
13
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,140
Could you move over there a bit?
14
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,780
How do you live with
something like that?
15
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:01,940
Outdoors I stay alert.
16
00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:04,220
Indoors I do craft work.
17
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:07,320
If you want to shout a name
you can call me Ace.
18
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,720
Ace? Where did you get that?
19
00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:17,140
Primrose Dairies?
That was our cover.
20
00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:22,000
For the real work. The kind of work
where a man can become a legend
21
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,460
known as Ace.
22
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:04,940
Have you heard from Nora?
23
00:02:04,940 --> 00:02:07,760
Oh, yes. Three o'clock this morning.
24
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,660
She hasn't worked out
the time difference yet.
25
00:02:10,660 --> 00:02:12,320
I hope it was worth it.
26
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:18,280
Oh, never fear.
She wanted to remind me to polish the banisters every Wednesday.
27
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,040
Not Thursday?
28
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,840
Apparently Wednesday's banister day.
29
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,300
You need more teacups.
30
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:30,260
Or fewer friends.
31
00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:37,620
Don't you smoke either? Gave it up.
32
00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:39,580
It was turning moustache brown.
33
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,560
You don't have a moustache.
34
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:45,980
Forgot. By time I remembered,
it was too late. I was non-smoker.
35
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,420
You meet some idiots
in the pub trade,
36
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,100
but you lot,
37
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,080
you're in a class of your own.
38
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,360
It's not a big removal van,
just a self-hire.
39
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,040
Maybe they don't have much stuff.
40
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,160
These days everybody
has too much stuff.
41
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,380
Uncle Ted didn't
have too much stuff.
42
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:15,980
He was loopy.
43
00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:17,960
He wasn't loopy.
44
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:22,100
He said he was in contact
with flying saucers.
45
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,660
Only once.
46
00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:26,500
They never called back.
47
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,560
Best not be seen peeping.
48
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,200
I don't want their first impression
to be nosy neighbours.
49
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,040
Especially since we're
nosy neighbours. No, we're not.
50
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:39,620
It's only natural to be
hoping they're going to be nice.
51
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,380
Will you come away from that window?
52
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:44,280
I was just passing.
53
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,300
Are we alone?
54
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,360
Good heavens! We've hardly met.
55
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,700
My instincts tell me
I'm being followed.
56
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,900
I can assure you it wasn't me.
57
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:14,480
Don't be alarmed,
58
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,840
but if the next person who comes
through that door is a gigantic
59
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,500
Russian former wrestler
by the name of Platonov...
60
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,260
Good heavens!
61
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:24,760
What then?
62
00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,260
..I advise you not to look
while I deal with him.
63
00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:28,920
Oh! What're you going to...
Shh!
64
00:04:34,380 --> 00:04:36,640
Yes, right! Well, since I'm here,
65
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,080
what have you got
in your Albanian cookery section?
66
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,580
There was a dish they used
to feed me as a prisoner.
67
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,980
You're looking at me oddly.
Have I started to twitch?
68
00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:48,760
Do you intend to?
69
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,620
I'm not sure it's permissible
in the library. It's nothing.
70
00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:55,300
Just a bit of post-combat stress.
71
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,340
Sometimes I forget things.
72
00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,680
You wouldn't be one of them,
would you?
73
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:06,180
We...haven't been...very close,
74
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,180
or...what-have-you?
75
00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:16,040
I can assure you not "close", and
most certainly not "what-have-you".
76
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,940
I have to be careful, you see.
77
00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:20,140
You never know
who you might have forgotten.
78
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:22,720
I could have a wife somewhere.
79
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:28,140
I can tell you now,
all you're entitled to from me is a library ticket.
80
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:34,980
You wouldn't by any chance have the
address of the really Secret Service?
81
00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:38,660
I mean
the really SECRET Secret Service?
82
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:41,880
I hardly think so
if it's all that secret.
83
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:47,240
I was wondering if
they had an agent missing, in which case it could be me.
84
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,280
But if you worked for them
wouldn't they know it was you?
85
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:51,880
It's tricky, you see.
86
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:56,140
It all gets so secret, nobody
knows what anybody's doing.
87
00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:58,640
Oh, it sounds like
an organ of state.
88
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,100
CAR HORN HOOTS
89
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:09,420
But you're not really sure
that you used to work for them?
90
00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:13,260
I've started to remember things.
91
00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:16,480
A cottage by a lake
in northern Finland.
92
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,360
Holiday?
93
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:24,920
Up to where I had to
terminate the spy who was possibly the only woman I ever truly loved.
94
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:30,520
You see, where would
I get memories like that unless I was on secret work?
95
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,300
You don't pick up stuff like that
from the Job Centre.
96
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,780
Have you any evidence?
97
00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:41,980
I could have shown you my old
bullet wounds. Not in my library.
98
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:44,280
But they wiped those too.
99
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,340
Plastic surgery. Top job.
100
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:51,080
You can't see a trace. Except they
still irritate in warm weather.
101
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,700
I'm always at it with
the old body lotion.
102
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,340
You do smell nice.
103
00:06:55,340 --> 00:06:56,980
Thank you.
104
00:06:56,980 --> 00:07:00,520
I don't see why macho has
to be all sweaty, do you?
105
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,980
No...!
106
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:05,220
You're sure about that address?
107
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:10,480
We do not have the address of
the most secret Secret Service.
108
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:12,700
They're not in Yellow Pages either.
109
00:07:39,700 --> 00:07:42,340
Ah, looking thoughtful, Morton.
110
00:07:42,340 --> 00:07:45,820
On the brink of a great discovery,
and we've interrupted.
111
00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:48,480
I was wondering how the wife is,
since she left me.
112
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,140
My guess would be happy.
113
00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:53,060
Doing great, I shouldn't wonder.
Thanks(!)
114
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:57,560
Stop teasing him and ask him
if he's seen anyone suspicious.
115
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,540
Just this prawn wearing
a scarf under his cap.
116
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,840
There are sound tactical reasons.
117
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,860
And besides, I don't want
a draught in my ear.
118
00:08:06,860 --> 00:08:10,560
If you'd ever been
a martyr to earache you'd know where I'm coming from.
119
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:15,380
I hope we're not intruding,
Morton, if you were planning to jump.
120
00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:20,160
I'm the first one to
understand when a chap gets tired of running on empty.
121
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,980
No. I'm not going to jump.
122
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:26,240
I'm a fighter.
123
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,600
But then again, I'm a loser.
124
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,540
You see how tricky life is.
125
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:33,920
You've got to be tricky back.
126
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:38,200
Ask Entwistle. He learned the art of
Zen from mending washing machines.
127
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,360
The sound of one hand
dropping screwdriver.
128
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,240
Secret is remain calm.
129
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,120
I thought you used to swear.
130
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,180
That other secret.
131
00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:50,140
Morton.
132
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,980
Have you tried fine needlework?
133
00:08:54,980 --> 00:08:57,540
It's reduced my combat stress
dramatically.
134
00:08:57,540 --> 00:09:00,840
Is there any point
in trying anything?
135
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,560
Listen, Mort,
if you are going to jump,
136
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:08,060
wait until we've gone so
we don't get splashed. I have no intention of doing a jump.
137
00:09:08,060 --> 00:09:10,760
He's changed his mind.
Lacks decision.
138
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:14,460
I ought not to be out here,
exposed like this.
139
00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:16,540
Ask him if he wants
to join us for a drink.
140
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:18,160
Yes.
141
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,420
Getting better at decisions.
142
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,220
I'm looking lovely.
143
00:09:25,220 --> 00:09:27,580
How do you feel? I feel dishy too.
144
00:09:27,580 --> 00:09:29,060
That's the spirit, girl.
145
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,220
Oh! Sorry. Wrong house.
146
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,220
No, it's not the wrong house.
147
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,620
I believe I know this person.
148
00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:48,400
They hate it.
149
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,360
They hate it when you
look smart for going out.
150
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,460
Travis always gets a bad leg.
151
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,800
And that's supposed to
keep you in the house.
152
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,660
I know the system.
153
00:09:57,660 --> 00:09:59,520
He gets dizzy spells.
154
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,260
I can't help it.
155
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,740
You never know when
they're going to strike.
156
00:10:04,740 --> 00:10:07,400
That's the thing about dizzy spells.
157
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:12,900
Mind you,
if anyone was ever suitable for dizzy spells it has to be him.
158
00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:17,540
Relax. I'll bring her back,
159
00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:21,480
unless we get a better offer.
Too right!
160
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,320
And where exactly do you two
think you're off to?
161
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,400
To Irene Hislop's funeral.
I told you.
162
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,460
I can't remember you telling me.
163
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:32,740
I told you Monday.
Oh, that's more than 24 hours.
164
00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:35,580
They don't retain information
for that length of time.
165
00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:37,260
Excuse me.
166
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:40,000
Why do you never
get dressed up for me?
167
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,360
To be dragged through some bushes?
168
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,940
That's his idea of a day out.
169
00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:47,140
Fancy saying a thing like that!
170
00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:50,180
Oh, shut up and pull
the twigs out your hair!
171
00:11:06,444 --> 00:11:09,804
Today, Morton needs strong tea.
172
00:11:09,804 --> 00:11:14,844
So what you're saying is,
normally I serve weak tea.
173
00:11:14,844 --> 00:11:17,804
No, always strong tea.
174
00:11:17,804 --> 00:11:20,164
This establishment
famous for strong tea.
175
00:11:20,164 --> 00:11:23,064
You're not lying convincingly.
176
00:11:23,064 --> 00:11:27,224
But today,
Morton needs extra-strong tea.
177
00:11:27,224 --> 00:11:28,864
Three sugars.
178
00:11:28,864 --> 00:11:30,724
I need some sweetness in my life.
179
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,824
What's his problem?
180
00:11:32,824 --> 00:11:36,584
Nobody likes him,
the dog bit him, his wife left him.
181
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:40,304
Are you sure she hasn't
just run out of sugar?
182
00:11:40,304 --> 00:11:45,444
Or was it - the wife bit him
and the dog left him?
183
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,564
I used to be a debt collector.
184
00:11:47,564 --> 00:11:49,664
Nobody likes a person like that.
185
00:11:49,664 --> 00:11:52,364
But you'd think
your wife might like you.
186
00:11:52,364 --> 00:11:54,564
This is Yorkshire, love.
187
00:11:54,564 --> 00:11:56,644
We don't like anybody.
188
00:11:56,644 --> 00:11:58,664
I am Yorkshire.
189
00:11:58,664 --> 00:12:02,444
Then you've no business
expecting sweetness.
190
00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:05,084
You see. You're among friends.
191
00:12:05,084 --> 00:12:06,804
I bet you feel better already.
192
00:12:11,804 --> 00:12:14,964
Right, I've checked.
The area's secure.
193
00:12:14,964 --> 00:12:17,184
Oh, that is a relief.
194
00:12:17,184 --> 00:12:19,524
Madam, these things
are not done lightly.
195
00:12:21,424 --> 00:12:25,084
There are people here,
my team for instance...
196
00:12:26,744 --> 00:12:31,644
..nay, you yourself, madam, who can
benefit from a professional eye.
197
00:12:31,644 --> 00:12:37,064
Now, if you would be so kind
as to find me a chair with its back against a wall.
198
00:12:37,064 --> 00:12:39,524
No problem.
199
00:12:41,084 --> 00:12:42,564
Here!
200
00:12:50,724 --> 00:12:53,564
When did you see the Inspector?
201
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,164
Last night.
202
00:12:55,164 --> 00:12:56,724
You'd just left.
203
00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:58,364
Just my luck.
204
00:12:58,364 --> 00:13:01,644
I bet he thought I was
sneaking off home early.
205
00:13:01,644 --> 00:13:06,184
Well, there is that possibility
since you were sneaking home early.
206
00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:08,644
And he said it's time
we arrested somebody?
207
00:13:08,644 --> 00:13:10,884
Yes. And he meant it.
208
00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:13,964
Did he say who?
209
00:13:16,084 --> 00:13:17,864
No, he didn't say who.
210
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:21,464
I think he were leaving that to us.
Typical!
211
00:13:21,464 --> 00:13:23,824
He's gets paid to make
all the decisions.
212
00:13:23,824 --> 00:13:25,744
Look who has to
decide who to arrest.
213
00:13:31,684 --> 00:13:34,764
I'm going to make them a pot of tea.
214
00:13:34,764 --> 00:13:37,624
Oh yes? How charitable!
215
00:13:37,624 --> 00:13:39,644
Not just curious.
216
00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:42,284
Do you want me to come
with you and take notes?
217
00:13:42,284 --> 00:13:44,044
Take note of this.
218
00:13:44,044 --> 00:13:50,084
Any more cracks like that
and your next meal is going to be very undistinguished.
219
00:13:50,084 --> 00:13:51,844
I thought we had that yesterday.
220
00:13:59,284 --> 00:14:02,404
SIREN WAILS
221
00:14:05,204 --> 00:14:08,024
You must have been
driving recklessly.
222
00:14:08,024 --> 00:14:10,344
How can you drive
recklessly in this?
223
00:14:10,344 --> 00:14:12,724
Well, I can't afford you
a solicitor.
224
00:14:12,724 --> 00:14:15,224
Your best plan is to plead insanity.
225
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,964
Why are we arresting these two?
226
00:14:19,964 --> 00:14:22,004
Think positive.
227
00:14:22,004 --> 00:14:23,524
There must be something.
228
00:14:25,124 --> 00:14:30,504
But why these two?
An old lady, and he looks like a muffin behind the wheel.
229
00:14:30,504 --> 00:14:33,204
It's no good waiting
for a car full of violent yobs.
230
00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:37,144
The criminal justice system is
geared for letting off violent yobs.
231
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:40,944
Nobody on the other hand
is looking out for old ladies.
232
00:14:51,044 --> 00:14:53,244
Have you checked?
233
00:14:53,244 --> 00:14:55,104
Can you see anyone suspicious?
234
00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:56,864
Only you.
235
00:14:56,864 --> 00:14:59,084
Where are we heading?
Out in the hills.
236
00:14:59,084 --> 00:15:01,644
Fresh air, scenery,
nice little country pub.
237
00:15:01,644 --> 00:15:04,484
Not necessarily in that order.
238
00:15:04,484 --> 00:15:07,004
I'll just slip into
something more comfortable.
239
00:15:08,504 --> 00:15:11,604
What's more comfortable?
I thought he looked comfortable.
240
00:15:11,604 --> 00:15:14,304
He twitches. Well, not a lot.
241
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:18,564
Have you never twitched? You
ask that of Electrical Entwistle?
242
00:15:18,564 --> 00:15:20,724
You grab wrong wire, you twitch.
243
00:15:22,404 --> 00:15:25,424
HE EXHALES INTO BREATHALYSER
244
00:15:29,644 --> 00:15:31,384
Have you got any other flavour?
245
00:15:31,384 --> 00:15:34,104
Other flavour! I like it.
246
00:15:34,104 --> 00:15:36,144
He's a pleasure to breathalyse.
247
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:39,764
Makes you feel rotten being
rotten to him. What have I done?
248
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,544
Insecure load.
249
00:15:41,544 --> 00:15:45,084
You go hurtling round a corner and
half that stuff's going to fly off.
250
00:15:45,084 --> 00:15:48,064
Hurtle? You can't hurtle in that.
251
00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:52,204
Have you tried? Flat out,
she gets overtaken by bicycles.
252
00:15:52,204 --> 00:15:54,324
Admits going flat out.
253
00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:58,224
Case closed. Police brutality.
254
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:01,684
I saw you hit him.
I only slapped him on the back.
255
00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:02,784
Ooh...
256
00:16:07,564 --> 00:16:10,044
We never actually look, do we?
257
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:12,304
To see if there is
anybody lurking about.
258
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:14,404
I look all time.
259
00:16:14,404 --> 00:16:16,204
You're lying.
260
00:16:16,204 --> 00:16:18,124
It's easier than looking.
261
00:16:26,664 --> 00:16:28,764
Ready when you are.
262
00:16:28,764 --> 00:16:32,204
Right! Rule numero uno - surprise.
263
00:16:32,204 --> 00:16:33,784
I'll ride up there.
264
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:36,444
I'll see them coming from there.
See who coming?
265
00:16:36,444 --> 00:16:38,304
Men in white coats.
266
00:16:38,304 --> 00:16:41,404
The Russians. Putin's people.
267
00:16:41,404 --> 00:16:45,764
I have these scars in my memory
that tell me we're old adversaries.
268
00:16:47,324 --> 00:16:49,144
I like the moustache, don't you?
269
00:16:49,144 --> 00:16:52,344
I think it says
"calm and experienced".
270
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:55,324
Right, you! Frequent checks
in the rear view mirror.
271
00:16:55,324 --> 00:16:58,244
You, you'll advise me
if my moustache moves.
272
00:16:58,244 --> 00:17:00,604
That's no job for a grown person.
273
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:03,504
I'm not spending my life
monitoring your upper lip.
274
00:17:03,504 --> 00:17:08,364
Point taken. Right, moustache duties,
plus you'll work the satnav.
275
00:17:08,364 --> 00:17:10,044
No satnav.
276
00:17:10,044 --> 00:17:11,584
No satnav?
277
00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:14,164
Got thing that boils tea.
278
00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,664
Take a note, must get satnav.
279
00:17:16,664 --> 00:17:20,084
Right, first we pick up Morton
and find him a friend.
280
00:17:20,084 --> 00:17:21,904
HOBBO CHUCKLES
281
00:17:21,904 --> 00:17:23,964
I think it's wonderful, you know...
282
00:17:23,964 --> 00:17:30,084
All those years of danger and
it didn't turn me into a hard person.
283
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:41,204
Forward!
284
00:17:45,664 --> 00:17:49,584
She wasted her life
on that useless lump.
285
00:17:49,584 --> 00:17:51,604
It's been done before.
286
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:54,324
But why do women do it?
287
00:17:54,324 --> 00:18:00,704
Because they start off with
a boyfriend who's one thing and wake up with a husband who's another.
288
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:05,084
I suppose we've been lucky, really.
I wouldn't go as far as "lucky".
289
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,664
Oh, you would.
290
00:18:06,664 --> 00:18:09,004
Ours are harmless.
291
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,444
I think sackless is closer.
292
00:18:11,444 --> 00:18:14,024
There's no justice, is there?
293
00:18:14,024 --> 00:18:18,884
She's dead and
he's looking fit at her funeral.
294
00:18:18,884 --> 00:18:20,924
He's got a handshake
that won't let go.
295
00:18:20,924 --> 00:18:22,904
Oh, I hate that.
296
00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:25,704
Standing there with
a big, cheesy grin.
297
00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:28,384
Yeah, he seemed to be
bearing up nicely.
298
00:18:28,384 --> 00:18:33,164
She ran herself ragged looking
after him. And he always let her.
299
00:18:33,164 --> 00:18:35,664
Oh, I could have booted him today.
300
00:18:35,664 --> 00:18:38,564
I had to grit my teeth
when he kissed me.
301
00:18:38,564 --> 00:18:41,924
It was like a slap with a wet sock.
302
00:18:41,924 --> 00:18:44,104
He was kissing everyone.
303
00:18:44,104 --> 00:18:46,364
I thought he was going
to start on the men.
304
00:18:47,924 --> 00:18:51,544
She was such a bonny lass.
305
00:18:51,544 --> 00:18:54,124
You've got to do more
than that with your life.
306
00:18:54,124 --> 00:18:55,924
We haven't done so much more.
307
00:18:55,924 --> 00:18:58,304
Then it's time we started.
308
00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,604
You can't spend your whole life
looking after men.
309
00:19:01,604 --> 00:19:04,124
Well, someone's got to.
310
00:19:04,124 --> 00:19:06,484
Men!
311
00:19:06,484 --> 00:19:09,424
You know what week this is?
312
00:19:09,424 --> 00:19:15,064
As from now, it's Hate Men Week.
313
00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:17,024
We should make it a fortnight.
314
00:19:17,024 --> 00:19:21,384
I think it's time we found
a bit of time for ourselves.
315
00:19:21,384 --> 00:19:25,204
I'll drink to that. And I'll
put the kettle on. No, no, no.
316
00:19:25,204 --> 00:19:27,804
Let him do it. Ooh...
317
00:19:29,984 --> 00:19:31,444
Howard!
318
00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:35,804
What? What?
319
00:19:35,804 --> 00:19:37,464
Put the kettle on.
320
00:19:46,844 --> 00:19:49,204
THEY LAUGH
321
00:19:56,504 --> 00:20:00,744
Least we can do is introduce
ourselves and make them feel welcome.
322
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:05,684
"Hello, we're your nosy neighbours."
It's just neighbourly nosy.
323
00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:08,264
It's what neighbours do.
324
00:20:08,264 --> 00:20:10,264
Pick something up, Barry.
325
00:20:10,264 --> 00:20:12,024
Carry it in for them.
326
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,124
Nice gesture.
327
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:27,724
I think so.
328
00:20:30,124 --> 00:20:31,124
The Captain!
329
00:20:32,184 --> 00:20:34,704
LAMP SMASHES
330
00:20:35,824 --> 00:20:38,764
Goodbye, reading in bed.
331
00:20:38,764 --> 00:20:42,324
I was planning on reading in bed.
332
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:47,524
I've just been through
a very nasty divorce because they caught me NOT reading in bed.
333
00:20:52,244 --> 00:20:58,104
You see how everything can
end pleasantly if we all show a little understanding.
334
00:20:58,104 --> 00:21:01,224
Now, you know where my shop is.
Call in any time.
335
00:21:01,224 --> 00:21:03,564
There'll always be a welcome for...
336
00:21:03,564 --> 00:21:06,644
what used to be
the forces of law and order.
337
00:21:12,664 --> 00:21:15,784
I don't know what you
bought that thing for.
338
00:21:15,784 --> 00:21:18,624
It's not as useless
as your thing there.
339
00:21:18,624 --> 00:21:21,324
She gave me a good price.
340
00:21:21,324 --> 00:21:24,324
Next time we wait for violent yobs.
341
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,824
I broke his lamp!
342
00:21:29,824 --> 00:21:31,644
I'm going to have to move house.
343
00:21:31,644 --> 00:21:33,804
Maybe leave the area.
344
00:21:36,564 --> 00:21:37,964
Barry!
345
00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:42,364
Down you get, Morton.
346
00:21:45,724 --> 00:21:48,584
Now, help me down.
Is me foot over the wheel?
347
00:21:48,584 --> 00:21:51,224
Am I good for the wheel?
You're fine. Just lower it.
348
00:21:51,224 --> 00:21:53,844
Are you sure? Take my foot
and place it on the wheel.
349
00:22:00,204 --> 00:22:02,184
You did good there, Morton.
350
00:22:02,184 --> 00:22:04,344
I file away stuff like that.
351
00:22:04,344 --> 00:22:08,204
Now, stand here while
I have a word with Barry.
352
00:22:08,204 --> 00:22:10,324
Mr Hobdyke. Shh!
353
00:22:10,324 --> 00:22:12,324
No names, Barry.
354
00:22:12,324 --> 00:22:15,484
You... You know Morton.
355
00:22:15,484 --> 00:22:17,844
Yes, I know Morton. Yes.
356
00:22:17,844 --> 00:22:20,544
Used to be Herman Teasdale.
357
00:22:20,544 --> 00:22:23,744
I want you to get to know him better.
He's a good person.
358
00:22:23,744 --> 00:22:25,744
Did you always have a moustache?
359
00:22:25,744 --> 00:22:27,584
It's a tactical moustache.
360
00:22:29,344 --> 00:22:33,044
Barry, I've brought you Morton.
361
00:22:33,044 --> 00:22:35,684
What do you mean, you've
brought me...? He's lonely.
362
00:22:35,684 --> 00:22:38,744
He needs a friend.
I can't keep him with me.
363
00:22:38,744 --> 00:22:41,804
I'm too dangerous. I'm a target.
364
00:22:41,804 --> 00:22:46,004
We could be in some
Russian's telescopic sights at this very instant.
365
00:22:49,604 --> 00:22:51,264
Come over here, Morton.
366
00:22:51,264 --> 00:22:53,544
Come on. To me.
367
00:22:55,524 --> 00:22:57,164
Say hello to Barry.
368
00:22:58,764 --> 00:23:02,024
Barry will be your
full-time friend from now on.
369
00:23:02,024 --> 00:23:03,564
That's great. I like Barry.
370
00:23:03,564 --> 00:23:07,704
I've always liked Barry. Just
a minute. How full-time is full?
371
00:23:07,704 --> 00:23:11,644
Shake hands and have
a wonderful life together.
372
00:23:13,744 --> 00:23:15,124
Hey.
373
00:23:15,124 --> 00:23:16,424
Come on, team.
374
00:23:16,424 --> 00:23:18,884
That's it. Hup.
Come on, in... Be careful, team!
375
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,884
I can't do anything with him.
376
00:23:26,884 --> 00:23:28,424
Well, certainly not in here.
377
00:23:29,684 --> 00:23:31,844
It's not me. It's his other woman.
378
00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:33,764
His wife, you mean?
379
00:23:33,764 --> 00:23:37,044
Well, yes,
if you want to get technical.
380
00:23:37,044 --> 00:23:41,964
He's been told he's free to go
whenever he pleases, and look at him.
381
00:23:41,964 --> 00:23:44,424
She showed me the door.
382
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:47,544
You always said
you wanted to be free.
383
00:23:47,544 --> 00:23:51,444
Between the hours
of lunch and teatime!
384
00:23:51,444 --> 00:23:53,624
You don't have to overdo it.
385
00:23:53,624 --> 00:23:56,164
Do you realise,
we've never been out in the dark?
386
00:23:57,744 --> 00:24:00,864
How can you study nature
in the dark?
387
00:24:00,864 --> 00:24:04,984
I imagine she'd guide you through.
388
00:24:04,984 --> 00:24:08,084
I'd raise no objection
to the use of a flashlight.
389
00:24:10,224 --> 00:24:14,184
So what are you drinking, Hobbo?
390
00:24:14,184 --> 00:24:15,884
Where's he gone now?
391
00:24:22,164 --> 00:24:26,324
Right. Let me have your report.
Is there a back door?
392
00:24:26,324 --> 00:24:28,364
There's always a back door.
393
00:24:28,364 --> 00:24:30,584
You can verify that. Good.
394
00:24:30,584 --> 00:24:32,624
Toilets? That way.
395
00:24:34,244 --> 00:24:38,064
I don't want to use them. I'm just
asking if they've been checked.
396
00:24:38,064 --> 00:24:41,264
Well, I wouldn't say
springtime fresh.
397
00:24:41,264 --> 00:24:45,104
OK to visit.
You wouldn't want to stay.
398
00:24:45,104 --> 00:24:48,244
Your determined attacker
could hide in there.
399
00:24:48,244 --> 00:24:52,604
I was once leapt on in
a convenience in Copenhagen.
400
00:24:52,604 --> 00:24:56,224
Right, find me a seat with
my back against the wall.
401
00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:08,464
You don't drink?
402
00:25:08,464 --> 00:25:11,644
Yes, I drink,
but not when I'm driving.
403
00:25:11,644 --> 00:25:13,284
Are you driving?
404
00:25:13,284 --> 00:25:16,384
I thought I might drive us home. Oh.
405
00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:19,324
I like to keep the old
highway skills sharp.
406
00:25:19,324 --> 00:25:21,504
You said you lost memory.
407
00:25:21,504 --> 00:25:23,524
They only wiped the secret bits.
408
00:25:23,524 --> 00:25:25,224
Who?
409
00:25:25,224 --> 00:25:27,804
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
410
00:25:27,804 --> 00:25:32,444
Was it our enemy
or was it my own people?
411
00:25:32,444 --> 00:25:35,084
Of course, this is...
412
00:25:35,084 --> 00:25:37,164
in strict confidence.
413
00:25:37,164 --> 00:25:40,104
Who's going to believe it?
They think you're an idiot.
414
00:25:40,104 --> 00:25:41,504
I can live with that.
415
00:25:41,504 --> 00:25:43,604
That's my best disguise.
416
00:25:43,604 --> 00:25:46,424
Works for us.
417
00:25:46,424 --> 00:25:48,444
What about your background, family?
418
00:25:48,444 --> 00:25:50,144
No-one.
419
00:25:50,144 --> 00:25:52,564
I was adopted.
420
00:25:52,564 --> 00:25:54,924
Was I unwanted?
421
00:25:54,924 --> 00:25:56,404
Hard to believe.
422
00:25:58,724 --> 00:26:01,004
I expect Mother was poor.
423
00:26:01,004 --> 00:26:03,144
I'm determined to track her down.
424
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:05,484
Big treat for Mother.
425
00:26:05,484 --> 00:26:07,304
I shall go with gifts.
426
00:26:07,304 --> 00:26:09,944
I've been embroidering
a set of linen for her.
427
00:26:09,944 --> 00:26:12,844
It's seen me through
many a long winter night.
428
00:26:12,844 --> 00:26:14,704
It's my own stitch.
429
00:26:14,704 --> 00:26:17,164
I've invented my own stitch.
430
00:26:17,164 --> 00:26:19,424
I call it Mother Stitch.
431
00:26:19,424 --> 00:26:21,284
HE SLURPS
432
00:26:26,924 --> 00:26:29,304
Let me run through that again.
433
00:26:29,304 --> 00:26:32,844
You've brought me not
only a lamp, but Morton.
434
00:26:32,844 --> 00:26:35,124
Morton has time on his hands.
435
00:26:35,124 --> 00:26:36,724
He's eager to help.
436
00:26:36,724 --> 00:26:39,564
I am. I'm eager to help.
437
00:26:39,564 --> 00:26:41,204
And I accept.
438
00:26:41,204 --> 00:26:42,564
Ohhh!
439
00:26:45,084 --> 00:26:46,644
I'll accept all I can get.
440
00:26:46,644 --> 00:26:48,804
She's left me no choice.
441
00:26:48,804 --> 00:26:51,284
She took the house,
the furniture, the car.
442
00:26:51,284 --> 00:26:55,364
I was lucky to get away with
two pair of trousers. The cow!
443
00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:58,704
We'll have a drink if I can find it.
444
00:26:58,704 --> 00:27:00,524
It's a bit early for me.
445
00:27:02,084 --> 00:27:05,764
What am I, a drink-sodden?!
446
00:27:05,764 --> 00:27:08,444
We'd love a drink.
447
00:27:08,444 --> 00:27:11,524
I like a man that knows his own mind.
448
00:27:18,404 --> 00:27:20,344
GEARS GRIND
449
00:27:20,344 --> 00:27:22,804
Have you driven one of these?
450
00:27:22,804 --> 00:27:27,884
I've driven everything from
Soviet tanks to submarines.
451
00:27:27,884 --> 00:27:31,304
See! There's something else
coming back to me now.
452
00:27:31,304 --> 00:27:33,084
Can you drive with a twitch?
453
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:35,884
That'll go as soon as
I get my confidence back.
454
00:27:49,644 --> 00:27:51,644
You see where the problem is.
455
00:27:51,644 --> 00:27:54,924
You have to try
to anticipate the twitch.
456
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:06,064
ELECTRICAL BANG
457
00:28:11,324 --> 00:28:14,764
I thought Howard looked worried.
458
00:28:14,764 --> 00:28:16,484
He has the right face for it.
459
00:28:16,484 --> 00:28:19,444
Oh, yes, yes, he does it very well.
460
00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:47,124
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
461
00:28:47,174 --> 00:28:51,724
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