All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s29e04 Is Jeremy Quite Safe.eng

And there is no doubt
in my mind

that what we see in almost
every case of failure

is a lack of any clear goal.

And this is followed
by a downward spiral

and a loss of confidence
in the whole project.

I sometimes think people are
getting weirder. I've noticed that.

With you, for a start.

I told you. I'm under pressure.

Hasn't she forgiven you yet?

No.

Are you still in t'spare bedroom?

Yes.

I don't think I'll get out of there
until we have visitors.

I'm almost tempted
to invite her mother.

Wished to be remembered to you.

I heard he wasn't well.

He never said.

I'm sure he would have done.

People confide in me.

I'm a warm human being.

I can see warm,
but are you sure about the other bit?

You're no warmer than anybody else.

It can seriously affect
the shelf life of your underwear.

I'm the kind of person people trust.

I could have been a great surgeon.

But mother didn't want me poking
about in all the messy bits.

You could have washed your hands.

I told her.

People get under your fingernails.

People get everywhere.

Did he look well? Who?

You were telling us about... Oh, him!

He seemed all right.

Well, I mean, he never looked
like Mr Universe, did he?

He never looked like Mrs Universe!

Wasn't he once scared
by one of Nora Batty's hats?

No, that was me.

And me.

I don't like you mixing
with this former criminal person.

He wasn't just
your ordinary criminal.

He speaks beautifully.

He uses words like "implausible".

When is he going
to use one like "goodbye"?

He only used to steal
from the highest social circles.

I don't like you mixing
with criminal elements,

even if they are retired.

Well, it's not just me.

Miss Davenport found him first.

Why does he have to have two of you?

I wouldn't call that retired.

We remind him
of the two Romanian princesses

whose jewellery he returned because
he couldn't bear to see them unhappy.

I don't want to hear any more!

What's wrong with my hats?

You should let me pick one for you.
You?

What do you know about hats?

I have a flair
for ladies' accessories.

I am Alvin, lover
of beautifully turned-out women.

You could be my biggest challenge.

And you could have a flair
in your ear hole

if you keep going on about my hats!

You should consider
these generous offers.

Don't you want to be transformed
into something strangely desirable?

Mind you, I'm not saying
I can do it with just one hat.

Did you know old Venables was dead?

Well, I had my suspicions.

I was at his funeral.

You never said.

Well, It wasn't planned.
I was just passing the church,

when the cars arrived
and then their Harold dragged me in.

Were you dressed for a funeral?

I suppose you could say that
I'm always dressed for a funeral.

Another one
looks ready for a funeral.

You live in the fast lane -
you see what happens.

Fast lane?

I'm too slow for a hard shoulder.

I'm just someone's plaything,

until some flash talker comes along
using words like "implausible".

HE LAUGHS

It's all right for you, laughing.

Yes?

We were looking for Tom.

He's not for sale. But I could
do you something more reliable.

Stay just where you are.

We only wanted quick word.

Today's quick word is "buy".

There's never been a better time.

Come inside,
don't hang about in the cold.

Not cold. Come in out of the sun.

It's dangerous without a hat.

Where is Tom? Tom?

Tom? You're becoming obsessive, lad.

He's round the back,
clearing out my store.

There's stuff there
I haven't seen for years.

What do you want doing
with that old safe?

Safe?

It looks rusty. Look who's talking!

You'd forgotten
about it, hadn't you?

Oh, they said it would happen.

Your mind goes...

you end up helpless.

I can reserve that
for you for a small deposit.

You give some of the best years
of your life

to introducing certain people
to the wonders of nature.

She's probably seen more wonders
than you have.

Well, he does his best.

It can't be easy being
George Clooney with only a bicycle.

More like Rosemary Clooney!

You see how people react?

You have to put up
with all the suspicions.

Even though it's perfectly innocent.

It's no good you pleading innocence.

If you want my advice,
I'd suggest you try insanity.

He's been trying that for years.

I try my best to be entertaining
and instructive

and then along comes
some flash Herbert

and off they run and forget you.

Who is this flash Herbert ruining
the wonders of nature for you?

It's someone Miss Davenport found.

I think he's had a shady past.

And now it's interfering
with your shady future.

"Give it up," Mummy said,
"while you're ahead."

And as she pointed out,
I gave it all to the poor anyway.

Anonymously, of course.

I like that in a person.

I liked it first, if you remember.

Before others came along.

But let's be honest. Oh, yes, let's.

I believe in that.

We both believe in that.

I was growing stale.

You, stale? Never.

I was just going to say that.

The Riviera...Nice...Monaco.

One gets tired
of these jet-set playgrounds,

as I'm sure you ladies know.

Glossy, but superficial.

All style and no substance.

I felt that...

about Skegness.

I was disappointed with Belgium.

Where he left you to pay the hotel?

I should think you were!

Of course, the Riviera was the place
to be for a gentleman jewel thief.

Couldn't keep me hands
off the old trinkets in those days.

It wasn't the money. It was
the excitement, really. The risks.

Although I say it myself, there
were few faster up a drainpipe.

You were a gentleman jewel thief?

Don't pry!

Mr De Wyatt-Brown may not wish...

Jeremy, please.

Forget the "Mister"
and the "Honourable".

Just Jeremy will do fine.

Forget the "Honourable"!

You usually do!

I've never been left
in a hotel in Belgium.

So what went wrong at Skegness?

I don't wish to talk about it.

Oh, sorry!

Oh, that's funny.
I could always open my money box.

Needs expert with sensitive fingers.

Or maybe big hammer.

I used to use a knife blade.

Failing that, a tin opener.

Then one day, it occurred to me

that the neatest way to get
your money out was not to put it in.

You were increasing in wisdom.

Not to mention having more
to spend on lollipops and comics.

Formative experience.
It was the day I grew up.

And it's going to be another day
before you get that thing open!

I'm better at ladies' accessories.

I mention this only in passing.

Fancy forgetting the combination.

I couldn't even remember the safe.

Maybe you bought one
without knowing the combination.

Who's going to be daft enough
to buy a safe

without knowing the combination?

If it was cheap...

Oh, yes, well, in that case,
if it was cheap.

Are you supposing there might
be something valuable in it?

Well, I didn't buy it
for storing old shoes.

What do you do with old shoes?

I wear them.

I can't believe
you'd forget anything valuable.

I can't believe it either.

I'm losing me grip.

Cast mind back
to last time you remember safe.

It was...

the 1950s.

Doing good. Go on. Go on.

The 1950s.

Something nasty happened
to me in the 1950s.

Now what was it?

Oh, Lord, that was it.

I had to lend Cousin Maurice
some money.

I can't remember if he paid it back!

Ask him. He's dead.
That'll teach me to lend money.

You can do it.

That's not just faith in you,
that's an order!

I've never given a talk in public.

I've always lacked that
executive skill known as a big gob.

You'll have to learn.
It's the basis of modern management.

I'm better
as the unobtrusive figure.

The power behind the throne.

Oh, really?
Will there be room for two us?

Don't think I hadn't noticed.

Maybe you should take
this management course.

Women don't need them.

We're born fully equipped.

I think, finally,
it all became too easy.

I mean, how many times
can one get a kick

out of beating the best brains
in Interpol?

However did you manage
to settle down to ordinary life?

After all that glamour
and excitement!

It requires a will of iron.

Strong self-discipline.

Fortunately, second nature to me
after my time in Special Forces.

Don't you miss the excitement?

You must miss it.

I'm reminded of it in wet weather.

The old wound twinges.

Interpol shot you?

No. Well, not
on that occasion anyway.

No, I fell off a roof in Monaco.

Prince Rainier's palace, actually.

Prince Rainier!
Did you ever meet him?

No, not really.

As I was passing his bedroom window,
I was travelling too fast.

Eyelids feeling heavy.

Soon you will sleep
and remember combination of safe.

Eyelids getting very heavy.

Is he any good at this?

Is he any good?

At ancient practices
from the dawn of time?

He learned them as an apprentice...

at Hull Fish Docks.

What else can he do?

Dress crab...smoke kippers.

How did he get into
the electrical business?

There's a destiny
which shapes our ends.

It's beginning to shape yours a bit.

Now, pay attention.
You don't see this everyday.

I don't believe in all this stuff.

Eyelids very heavy.
You will hear my voice.

Only my voice.

Ignore non-believers.

Eyelids feeling heavy now.

Heavy...heavy...

too heavy to lift.

Sleep...

sleep.

When I click fingers,
you will raise left hand.

You really should write your
adventures down, Mr De Wyatt-Brown.

Jeremy, please.

I won't say
I haven't thought about it.

I sometimes think about writing mine.

That should fill a few seats
on the first bus leaving town.

Oh, Mr Truelove.

You should meet Jeremy.

Although, perhaps you did.

He was a jewel thief.

The former Inspector Truelove.

He used to be Truly of the Yard.

You'd have so much to talk about.

I mean, both of you being
in the business, as it were.

He almost met Prince Rainier!

I should meet who?

You should meet Jeremy!

Bit fast on his feet, your Jeremy.

Anyone faster than Howard
at escaping has my respect.

Is this another ancient practice
from the dawn of time?

One of the oldest.

Open it, don't damage it!

You want safe in one piece,
or what's inside?

Well, I don't know which
is worth more, do I,

the safe or what's inside?

What a predicament!
We can feel for you.

You want me to bash it, or not?

Can you bash it gently?

You'll have to gamble.

Take a flyer. I've been
reckless enough, thank you,

lending money to our Maurice.

That was 50 years ago!

It feels like today.

What we need is a safe cracker.

Somebody with fingers
like sensitive antennae.

A professional.

See Marina. She's got one.

That'll do fine just here.

You know, we don't mind,
Mr Truelove,

but there are people amongst us
that would say

that we're not a taxi service.

Oh, that's just as well,
cos you're not getting a tip.

I just wish that you wouldn't
wave them down in the street.

I always feel
like I'm being arrested.

No, that's extra.

What I will give you, though,
is some information.

There's a new tea leaf on your patch.

Word is - international jewel thief.

Is he going to be able to get in?

He's not slow at pushing his way in.

I see him as someone with an air
of quiet incompetence.

Looks lost to me.

Nobody's sounding
very confident around here.

He opened Prince Rainier's.

His was easier.
And I had my own tools.

And a little inside help.

Princess Grace?

Not really. We only met socially.

Oh, I only sold her washing machine.

Don't upset the man
while he's lying.

Don't be awful.

He knew two Romanian princesses.

Why is this muffin just walking
round my safe instead of opening it?

Well I'm still
in the planning stage.

You see?

How professional can you get?

Are you sure you can do safes?

Of course, it's been a while
since I've practised.

It's been a while since you started
walking round that safe!

One mustn't rush these things.

Well, do something,
even if it's slow.

I'm sorry, I can't work
without a stethoscope.

Posture!

Am I standing effectively?

Can't be that bad.
I'm not falling down.

Oh, stop it. Be serious.

Concentrate. Shoulders back.

Ask yourself...

Barry, do you look like someone
who knows what he's talking about?

Absolutely no. No chance.

Aah!

Glenda!

Calm down. You're letting
this thing wreck your nerves.

Now, pull yourself together.

What you need
is an audience to practice on.

An audience?

It's when some people get together
to watch and listen to somebody.

I know what an audience is.

I couldn't rely on that.

You've forgotten everything else
since you started with this thing.

So it's your chance
to practice on the ladies.

What ladies? You supply the speech.

I'll supply the ladies.

They're coming in a few minutes
for my coffee morning.

I wish certain parties
could see him now.

I can tell you what the trouble is.

We can see what the trouble is.

It's rusty.

And this stethoscope is left handed
and entirely the wrong frequency.

He's rubbish.

Maybe it's not "jewel thief".

Maybe it's
"international FUEL thief".

Maybe he nicks petrol
from people's cars.

All I know is, he nicks
people's...occasional friends.

OK.

Try some Yorkshire Psychology.

Hello...the big hammer!

Gentleman jewel thief's best friend.

Never went anywhere without it.

With his initials, of course,
tastefully engraved.

Of course, it's not just
brute force.

The trick is to know
exactly where to strike.

I hope this works.
Lucky I had an anvil.

Feels really lucky.

No wonder you gave this lark up.

Wasn't like this.

I was a powder man.

You had time to powder face?

Dynamite! I bet you were,
with a powdered face.

Just the right pinch of jelly
and kaboom!

Will you stop
grunting and straining?

I can feel a hernia coming on.

Why are you in any danger?
Not mine, yours!

Do you know,
I think the old lady's right.

I believe I've twisted something.
Nothing unimportant, I hope.

International jewel thief!
Seen it. Cary Grant.

Got the girl as well.

International safe cracker!
Did that as well.

Wore a dinner jacket. How often
do you see that up a drainpipe?

The only one I know round here

who makes a career out of jewellery
is the wife.

43 earrings! I wouldn't mind
if you've got 43 ears.

I sometimes think
mine's got 43 ears.

Hold the rope tight.
Don't let it slip.

I have it under control.

It's wound round my wrist.

An anvil?

Is this the working method
of your gentleman jewel thief?

Cary Grant never did it like this.

Right, steady.
On the count of three...

One...two...three!

We'll be all right now.
I'm back in my own field, you see.

I wasn't known as Jeremy the Jelly
for nothing.

You think he knows what he's doing?

No. Thank you for sharing that.

Where's Howard? He's gone to ground.

For once, without Marina.

And now, the fuse.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to thank you
for your time.

Well, that's it.

Seven minutes?!

I'll spread it out. Talk slower.

Pause for emphasis.

There's going to be more pause
than emphasis!

Oh, let's face it, Barry,

this little talk is never going
to go with a bang.

BANG!

Whoops!

Oh, Jeremy, look what you've done!

Good Lord! Is it that time already?

I must dash. I've got an appointment
with my social secretary.

What's that written
on the bottom of it?

Combination of safe!

Read it out. 18. 18.

Seven. Seven.

30. 30. Try it.

Oh, it's empty! Oh!

Hang on.

What's this?

What's that?

"I promise to pay Auntie Wainright

"the following amount.
Signed, Maurice."

Oh, well. If ever he returns
from the dead, she's laughing.

The thing is, when we took
the car out this morning,

we didn't notice it was damaged.

There's a damn great dent in it!

How did it go then, the funeral?

Funeral? Old Venables.

Oh! Well, it went all right for me.

I don't know how it went for him.

I think that explosion
has made me deaf. What?

I don't see why it's made you deaf,
you weren't there.

Tell him he'll have to speak up.

I am speaking up!

I fell for that one, didn't I?

It gets worse.
It's your turn to get the drinks in.

You'll have to speak up.

Good try, Alvin!

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