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1
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:17,760
What are you gaping at?
2
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,400
You're a vision of
loveliness this morning.
3
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,640
But you needn't bother for me. I
will not be seduced by female wiles.
4
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,620
You'll get some female wallop in
a minute. I've been expecting it.
5
00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:34,160
Next thing is you'll be
inviting me to a weekend at some party people's paradise.
6
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:39,320
You've got all the "weak end" you
need and it's between your ears.
7
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:43,720
Just because I brighten your life, I
don't want you getting carried away.
8
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,220
You've got more rattle
than a brewer's dray.
9
00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:39,460
Here!
10
00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:41,940
Aren't you Iris Webley's lad?
11
00:01:41,940 --> 00:01:43,920
Whatever would your mother say?
12
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:46,360
She said you were a good lad.
13
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,940
Give our regards to Iris.
14
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,660
It's nice when they've
been raised right.
15
00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,740
It's practically a
miracle these days.
16
00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:58,960
That was very impressive.
17
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,580
But this isn't my car,
mine's over there.
18
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,700
Looks as if romance is
running out of steam.
19
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:17,580
I wonder if Casanova had a bicycle.
20
00:02:17,580 --> 00:02:19,360
He must have had a motorbike.
21
00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:22,260
So...
22
00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:25,020
..where does it hurt, Howard?
23
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,860
The seat of your trousers...
24
00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:29,540
It gets hotter.
25
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:32,120
It's called global warming.
26
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,260
You've probably
got a hole in your ozone layer.
27
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:38,820
I've always suspected it.
28
00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:41,080
He sets off in good spirits.
29
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:45,580
I think his legs are beginning
to lag behind his aspirations.
30
00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:47,880
It's the hills.
31
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:50,280
Your knees go wobbly.
32
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,220
I thought it was Marina
did that to you.
33
00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,740
(Will you keep your voice down?)
34
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,320
That's how rumours get started.
35
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,440
Why do you keep testing yourself
to the limits of human endurance?
36
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,440
Why don't you get something
more restful than Marina?
37
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,560
Something more
suitable for beginners.
38
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:17,080
I will not listen to any criticism
of the lady...who had to wheel me the last 200 yards.
39
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,020
Aw, I think that's nice, Howard.
40
00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:23,960
Not only romance
but also your own transport.
41
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,980
I think that's what I need.
42
00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:29,920
My own transport.
43
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:38,620
I used to fling myself quite
recklessly at any obstacle, no matter how rough.
44
00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:40,460
You're still doing it.
45
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,120
How is Marina?
46
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:48,100
I think I'm at a
crossroads in my life.
47
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:52,620
I think I've outgrown the bicycle.
48
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:54,100
Not by much.
49
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:59,560
It's only me. Show yourself.
50
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,080
You could be some complete
stranger saying, "It's only me."
51
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:06,180
A complete stranger
with his own key?
52
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:08,520
What are you doing home at this hour?
53
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:11,880
You see how much a creature
of routine that means I am?
54
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,920
We both are.
What's happening, Glenda?
55
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:18,120
Well, not a lot. You're just standing
there holding your briefcase.
56
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:24,480
I'm on my way to see a client.
I thought I'd pop in and you'd smile and you'd say something
57
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,680
that didn't sound like, "What
are you doing here at this hour?"
58
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,500
I would have liked
more of a welcome.
59
00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:32,540
I'm glad you called in. I mean it.
60
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:35,220
I really am. That's better.
61
00:04:35,220 --> 00:04:37,080
I forgot to ask you this morning.
62
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:41,540
On the way home, will you drop by the
bakery and pick me up a crusty cob?
63
00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:43,360
You see where we are?
64
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,460
I pop in to surprise you and
all you can see is a crusty cob.
65
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:49,120
Goodbye, Glenda.
66
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:57,680
Of course there could be a special
welcome waiting for anybody with a crusty cob.
67
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,160
Shall I bring two?
68
00:05:04,740 --> 00:05:06,360
One will do.
69
00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:13,980
Went to Turkey for two weeks.
70
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,420
Brought him back in a coffin.
71
00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:18,000
That's a bit extreme.
72
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,020
You're entitled not to like a
place, but that's overdoing it.
73
00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:24,040
I never liked him.
74
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:28,240
I mean, I never wished him dead,
but he was a troublemaker.
75
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,660
He can't have been much
trouble on the plane coming home.
76
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:34,060
He once complained about my bacon.
77
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,720
Said it was underdone.
78
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:39,200
Cafe full of customers
listening to him moan.
79
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,660
But you didn't really
wish him any harm.
80
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:43,660
Only for a week or two.
81
00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:46,120
Oh, it cut me to the bone!
82
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,660
I've always leaned
naturally towards crispy bacon.
83
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:55,440
He'd have done better
sticking with your bacon than going abroad for kebabs.
84
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,200
Ooh, you don't know
what might be in a kebab.
85
00:05:59,200 --> 00:05:59,300
I always thought it was two sailors.
86
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,960
I used to think a kebab
was one of those boats you'd see sailing down the Nile.
87
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:13,020
Until we moved away, of course, among
people who knew about these things.
88
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,980
They knew it all, did they?
89
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:17,100
And if they didn't they'd bluff.
90
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,100
Were they a bit snooty?
91
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:22,160
I blame Sainsbury's for a lot of it.
92
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,060
There are places where
snooty is a way of life.
93
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:28,000
It used to be a way
of death round here.
94
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,200
They couldn't wait to die
to see who had the best funeral.
95
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:35,620
Oh, well, I think it's
permissible for funerals.
96
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:37,780
I can't do with snooty.
97
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:43,420
I get them in here - examining their
forks for signs of previous owners.
98
00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:48,580
Where we were they could hear an
aitch drop 50 yards away.
99
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:50,500
I've a cousin full of swank.
100
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,580
Entirely self taught.
101
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:55,280
Fancy dying on your holiday.
102
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,740
They can't be as good
for you as people pretend.
103
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,360
I wonder what it
cost to bring him back.
104
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:06,120
Be cheaper to send out
the rest of his stuff.
105
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,200
Fancy going to heaven when
you can't speak the language.
106
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,900
He'd have found something to
complain about in any language.
107
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,920
I expect it'll be an open coffin.
108
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,120
Well, they'll want
to show off his tan.
109
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:30,420
Huh!
110
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:33,600
Don't tell me Howard
fancies a little runabout.
111
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,240
He's got one.
112
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,960
He says they share a mutual
interest in nature and conservation.
113
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,700
This one looks as if
it's done less mileage.
114
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,580
The 'for sale' sign looks
in quite good condition.
115
00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:49,520
Which is more than you could say for
Howard when we saw him this morning.
116
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,060
I wonder if he's weighing up
all the technical details -
117
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:55,940
such as, will there be
room for Marina in the back?
118
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:02,980
It's very reasonable.
119
00:08:02,980 --> 00:08:05,520
The lady's
desperate to get rid of it.
120
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,120
It reminds her too much
of her late husband.
121
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,460
Oh, really? Had a pair of
wipers and twin fog lamps, did he?
122
00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:13,820
How much did he do to the gallon?
123
00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:16,060
You know what she means.
124
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:21,960
In the interests of road safety,
shouldn't you be sparing a thought for what Pearl might say?
125
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,440
I don't have to consult
Pearl over every decision.
126
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,600
Spoken like a man who
almost believes it.
127
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,340
Not if she doesn't know about it.
128
00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:34,380
I'd like to keep this one
under wraps for a while.
129
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:36,520
You're going to keep it from Pearl?
130
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,900
Ho ho, I'd fasten
your seatbelt, Howard.
131
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:42,180
I know it's risky, but...
132
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:43,940
I'm very tempted.
133
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,680
We noticed you being tempted.
134
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:50,640
That's a lady friend AND a car
you'll have to conceal at Clegg's.
135
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,740
DOOR OPENS
Me again.
136
00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:57,780
Ah!
137
00:08:57,780 --> 00:08:59,240
What's wrong?
138
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,080
There's no crusty cobs.
139
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,080
Oh, of course, that explains it.
140
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,880
How could life look anything but
bleak when there's no crusty cobs?
141
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,940
Are you not feeling well?
142
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:14,900
You're not running a temperature?
143
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:18,660
It's nothing physical.
It's...mental.
144
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:21,520
You're not going like your Uncle Ted?
145
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,620
No, I'm not going like Uncle Ted.
146
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,460
Besides he's better.
147
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,560
As long as he keeps
away from Blackpool.
148
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,260
It's not that kind of thing.
149
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:36,700
My problem is...spiritual.
150
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:40,220
Spirits? The departed?
151
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:42,340
You've started seeing my mother.
152
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:43,860
No, I haven't.
153
00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:46,520
It's not that bad.
154
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,080
What's so bad about seeing my mother?
155
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,080
She scared me enough
when she was alive.
156
00:09:56,740 --> 00:10:00,260
Are you sure you're happy
with the price? Take it.
157
00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:02,860
Just take it out of my sight.
158
00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:07,160
It seems very generous at the price.
159
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,720
Take it. Go. I want rid.
160
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,240
I hope you won't regret it.
161
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,160
It reminds me too
much of Him That Was.
162
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,020
He loved that car.
163
00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:19,320
I want to see the back of it.
Just go.
164
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,060
Well, don't just sit there. Go.
165
00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:25,100
She wants to see the back of it.
166
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,160
I feel guilty.
167
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,900
That's because, on average,
you've a lot to feel guilty about.
168
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:33,360
Guilt suits you.
169
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,700
It's the Howard we
all know and love.
170
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:41,520
There'll be a catch in it somehow
at that price. Start her up and let's find out.
171
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:48,180
I can't help feeling that Him
That Was is up there right now -
172
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:53,640
looking down and wondering,
"What's that chirp doing behind the wheel of my car?"
173
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:56,580
There's not only Him That Was,
but there's people in here
174
00:10:56,580 --> 00:11:00,220
wondering what that chirp's doing
behind the wheel. Get a move on!
175
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:02,400
Don't worry about Him That Was.
176
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:07,400
Worry about Her That Is when she
finds out you've got a motor vehicle for shady purposes.
177
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,220
I wouldn't say "shady purposes".
178
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:13,220
I wouldn't say anything.
179
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:15,500
Not to Pearl.
180
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,000
Your secret's safe with us, Howard.
181
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,500
We understand the need
for discretion. So do I.
182
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,480
She'd kill me.
183
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:27,360
ENGINE STARTS
184
00:11:34,929 --> 00:11:36,169
THUMP!
185
00:11:42,149 --> 00:11:45,849
So where do you think
you went wrong in life?
186
00:11:45,849 --> 00:11:48,749
What makes you think I went wrong?
187
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:51,289
I like that. That shows spirit.
188
00:11:51,289 --> 00:11:55,529
That shows you've got a strong and
positive sense of your own identity,
189
00:11:55,529 --> 00:11:58,349
even if it doesn't bear any
relationship to the facts.
190
00:11:58,349 --> 00:12:00,769
Thank you. You're welcome.
191
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:04,869
I remember me dad saying
I'd never amount to anything.
192
00:12:04,869 --> 00:12:08,269
You showed him what
for, then, didn't you?
193
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,369
I remember your father.
194
00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:13,509
He still owes me three shillings
and twopence halfpenny...
195
00:12:13,509 --> 00:12:16,349
for an artificial leg
he was buying on tick.
196
00:12:16,349 --> 00:12:18,169
He had both legs.
197
00:12:18,169 --> 00:12:20,229
Why did he need a wooden leg?
198
00:12:20,229 --> 00:12:25,529
He didn't. He came in for a standard
lamp but I was able to make him see
199
00:12:25,529 --> 00:12:29,929
how attractively a wooden leg
would convert into a standard lamp.
200
00:12:29,929 --> 00:12:34,449
I'm sorry...but he
abandoned his family.
201
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:37,909
I can't be held
responsible for his debts.
202
00:12:37,909 --> 00:12:40,769
Your father abandoned your mother?
203
00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:44,409
She always said it wasn't
really her he left, it was me.
204
00:12:44,409 --> 00:12:49,709
Awww! Aw! So you've no chance
of getting his money from me.
205
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:54,289
And not a lot of getting it
from him either, now he's dead. I know he's dead.
206
00:12:54,289 --> 00:12:58,089
I went to his funeral, but I
might as well not have bothered.
207
00:12:58,089 --> 00:13:01,889
Nobody seemed interested in my three
shillings and twopence halfpenny.
208
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:13,129
This is better than climbing
hills on your bicycle.
209
00:13:13,129 --> 00:13:15,809
I'm getting too old for pedalling.
210
00:13:15,809 --> 00:13:18,649
You're getting too
old for canoodling.
211
00:13:18,649 --> 00:13:22,389
I don't canoodle!
When have I ever canoodled?
212
00:13:22,389 --> 00:13:26,789
He comes home covered in
bits of grass and lipstick, denying he's been canoodling.
213
00:13:26,789 --> 00:13:29,069
That's a wicked lie!
214
00:13:29,069 --> 00:13:35,689
She kissed me once in gratitude
when I saved her from a nasty bite from a creepy-crawly.
215
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:38,649
And you threw yourself
on it recklessly.
216
00:13:38,649 --> 00:13:40,989
Hey-hey! No wonder she was
impressed.
217
00:13:48,909 --> 00:13:51,489
He looks impressed.
218
00:13:51,489 --> 00:13:53,609
What does he want? Hey, you!
219
00:13:53,609 --> 00:13:58,269
First impressions are -
it's not something we ought to stop and enquire about.
220
00:13:58,269 --> 00:13:59,549
MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY
221
00:13:59,549 --> 00:14:01,929
Maybe he wants to tell us something.
222
00:14:01,929 --> 00:14:05,009
Probably, and I don't
think it's "Hello, sweetie".
223
00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:07,409
This one looks like
a jealous boyfriend.
224
00:14:07,409 --> 00:14:09,369
You can always tell by the colour.
225
00:14:09,369 --> 00:14:13,069
They're inclined to
be exceptionally nasty.
226
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:16,909
Maybe he's sworn to get you
for stealing his woman. Pearl?
227
00:14:16,909 --> 00:14:20,609
Not Pearl, you chirp. Marina.
228
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:26,089
How can he possibly object to our
conservation activities?
229
00:14:28,209 --> 00:14:32,529
You don't really think
she's got a boyfriend?
230
00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:36,849
I would call that being very
close to not quite faithful.
231
00:14:36,849 --> 00:14:40,909
Poor Howard.
Just when he's outgrown the bicycle.
232
00:14:42,709 --> 00:14:45,329
All right, all right, calm down.
233
00:14:45,329 --> 00:14:47,609
Yes, Travis, yes...
234
00:14:47,609 --> 00:14:49,469
You can't find it?
235
00:14:49,469 --> 00:14:52,549
It's where it always is.
236
00:14:52,549 --> 00:14:55,389
Travis, face the window.
237
00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:57,429
That means not with your back to it.
238
00:14:57,429 --> 00:14:59,609
Are you facing the window?
239
00:14:59,609 --> 00:15:02,989
Good. Now look to your right.
240
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,789
Do you see the sideboard?
241
00:15:05,789 --> 00:15:07,369
Yes, that's it, that's the one.
242
00:15:07,369 --> 00:15:11,509
That's the sideboard.
Say hello to the sideboard.
243
00:15:11,509 --> 00:15:14,709
Now, the left-hand drawer...
244
00:15:14,709 --> 00:15:17,109
There's a cupboard below...
245
00:15:17,109 --> 00:15:18,589
It's in there.
246
00:15:20,969 --> 00:15:24,149
Well, it's always been in there.
247
00:15:24,149 --> 00:15:25,849
SHE SIGHS
248
00:15:25,849 --> 00:15:28,929
They broke his nerve
when we lived away.
249
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:32,449
They BMW'd him until
he was a nervous wreck.
250
00:15:32,449 --> 00:15:35,049
They're all the same
at finding things.
251
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:37,989
My Wally never knew
where his socks were.
252
00:15:37,989 --> 00:15:41,169
He was only as big as me.
He didn't have far to look.
253
00:15:41,169 --> 00:15:42,709
It's a man thing.
254
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,929
I think it's genital.
255
00:15:46,429 --> 00:15:52,289
Don't you mean genetic?
She does. But I think she's probably onto something, anyway.
256
00:15:52,289 --> 00:15:55,969
I used to worry about my Wally
when he was in the army.
257
00:15:55,969 --> 00:15:58,849
Whether he'd remember
where he'd left his rifle.
258
00:15:58,849 --> 00:16:01,749
I can't imagine your
Wally with a rifle.
259
00:16:01,749 --> 00:16:04,209
Well, they gave him one.
260
00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:07,429
But I don't think they
allowed him to load it.
261
00:16:07,429 --> 00:16:09,689
They gave Travis a tank.
262
00:16:09,689 --> 00:16:12,909
Well, when I say "gave", I
think he had to return it.
263
00:16:12,909 --> 00:16:16,589
I can even less imagine
your Travis in a tank.
264
00:16:16,589 --> 00:16:18,229
Was he fast enough?
265
00:16:18,229 --> 00:16:20,829
I know what you mean.
266
00:16:20,829 --> 00:16:22,929
I look at him sometimes...
267
00:16:22,929 --> 00:16:26,849
Bad move. They're better
in the corner of your eye.
268
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:29,689
..in old pyjamas
buttoned up to the neck.
269
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:34,009
And you wonder how
anyone as quiet as he is
270
00:16:34,009 --> 00:16:37,709
could have two bullet
wounds and a medal.
271
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,629
It's what I've always said.
272
00:16:40,629 --> 00:16:45,569
You never know what they're
getting up to when you're not there to keep your eye on them.
273
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,189
Howard missed the war.
274
00:16:48,189 --> 00:16:50,709
He was in a reserved occupation.
275
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:56,849
But I like to think I've given
him almost the same experience.
276
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,949
I hope dropping you
off here is convenient?
277
00:17:09,949 --> 00:17:12,449
Convenient for you, I bet.
278
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,149
Where are you off to?
279
00:17:14,149 --> 00:17:16,949
I've no idea where I'm off to.
280
00:17:16,949 --> 00:17:24,309
I thought I'd spend a little time
getting used to the vehicle and just wander where the impulse takes me.
281
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:27,649
You could get arrested
for impulses like that.
282
00:17:27,649 --> 00:17:31,189
He's using us. We've just
been seat-warmers for Marina.
283
00:17:31,189 --> 00:17:34,149
Why are people so suspicious?
284
00:17:34,149 --> 00:17:37,149
He asked suspiciously.
285
00:17:37,149 --> 00:17:38,749
Have a good wander, Howard.
286
00:17:38,749 --> 00:17:40,409
Wherever the impulse takes you!
287
00:17:41,829 --> 00:17:43,309
CAR HORN TOOTS
288
00:17:43,549 --> 00:17:45,589
Not a bad little car, though.
289
00:17:45,589 --> 00:17:47,609
I think he maybe has got a bargain.
290
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,449
He's got Pearl and Marina.
291
00:17:49,449 --> 00:17:51,829
I'd say he's due for a bargain.
292
00:17:51,829 --> 00:17:53,949
CAR HORN TOOTS
293
00:17:55,129 --> 00:17:57,869
Hey, you two!
You were with him in the car.
294
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:00,109
Where is he? Where's who?
295
00:18:00,109 --> 00:18:03,189
That little twonk who stole my car.
296
00:18:03,189 --> 00:18:05,369
Just a minute, just a minute.
297
00:18:05,369 --> 00:18:07,489
He didn't steal it, he bought it.
298
00:18:07,489 --> 00:18:10,029
At that price it was a steal.
She'd no right to sell it.
299
00:18:10,029 --> 00:18:12,709
It's my car. She knew I was
coming back for that car.
300
00:18:12,709 --> 00:18:14,389
She's only done it for badness.
301
00:18:14,389 --> 00:18:17,369
She said you were dead.
302
00:18:17,369 --> 00:18:19,389
Do I look dead?
303
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:21,689
I hate tricky questions.
304
00:18:21,689 --> 00:18:23,789
I left her for another woman,
that's all.
305
00:18:23,789 --> 00:18:28,969
A lady with every advantage,
except her own garage. That's why I couldn't take the car.
306
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:30,909
He's in trouble when
I get hold of him.
307
00:18:36,869 --> 00:18:38,849
Lucky Howard!
308
00:18:38,849 --> 00:18:42,309
You get your own transport,
don't you soon meet new people?
309
00:18:42,309 --> 00:18:46,469
I should have thrashed him,
but something was holding me back.
310
00:18:46,469 --> 00:18:48,429
Yes - you.
311
00:18:48,429 --> 00:18:50,229
I knew it was something.
312
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,969
Ah, the joys of motoring.
313
00:18:52,969 --> 00:18:55,909
I hope Howard remembers to
keep looking in his mirror.
314
00:19:00,589 --> 00:19:02,869
Polish it.
315
00:19:02,869 --> 00:19:05,249
That's another thing.
316
00:19:05,249 --> 00:19:08,009
I've lost my taste
for polishing me car.
317
00:19:08,009 --> 00:19:11,469
Barry!
What are you going to do on Sundays?
318
00:19:19,589 --> 00:19:21,249
Ribbons?
319
00:19:21,249 --> 00:19:24,669
Gift-wrap service we offer.
How many you want?
320
00:19:24,669 --> 00:19:26,709
We want a lift is what we want.
321
00:19:26,709 --> 00:19:31,429
Rescue mission. You could help
to save one of the world's outstanding examples of idiocy.
322
00:19:31,429 --> 00:19:33,129
Devoted his life to it.
323
00:19:33,129 --> 00:19:35,089
Howard is in trouble.
324
00:19:35,089 --> 00:19:37,969
Which will probably
strike you as not unusual.
325
00:19:41,349 --> 00:19:43,869
What kind rescue mission?
326
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:45,949
We've got to find him and warn him.
327
00:19:47,549 --> 00:19:53,669
Sometimes rescue mission leads to
deep feeling of gratitude followed by sale of washing machine.
328
00:19:53,669 --> 00:19:57,509
I like the enterprising
spirit of you people from Hull.
329
00:19:59,729 --> 00:20:02,869
You've got the wrong house.
My husband doesn't have a car.
330
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,249
Oh, he does now.
He's just bought mine.
331
00:20:05,249 --> 00:20:09,949
It's news to me, although he
has had wild impulses before.
332
00:20:09,949 --> 00:20:11,869
You should just see how wild.
333
00:20:11,869 --> 00:20:16,009
When I say bought, it's more like
stolen. The wife nearly gave it away.
334
00:20:16,009 --> 00:20:19,469
When I say wife,
it's soon-to-be-ex-wife.
335
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:23,769
When did all this happen?
Oh, not long since. I nearly had him, but he slipped away.
336
00:20:23,769 --> 00:20:25,689
I know the feeling.
337
00:20:25,689 --> 00:20:29,089
Leave it with me. I'll make
sure you'll get your car back.
338
00:20:29,089 --> 00:20:31,889
I'm not leaving it with you.
I want to see him now!
339
00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:42,229
Don't you come to my house with your
big foot and your big mouth!
340
00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:44,789
He's not here.
341
00:20:44,789 --> 00:20:46,789
You're covering for him.
342
00:20:46,789 --> 00:20:48,449
Cover him?
343
00:20:48,449 --> 00:20:50,269
I'll smother him.
344
00:21:08,249 --> 00:21:11,769
There's a lot of space out here.
He could be anywhere.
345
00:21:11,769 --> 00:21:13,489
Space!
346
00:21:13,489 --> 00:21:17,269
I sometimes think Howard's
from outer space. Ye gods!
347
00:21:17,269 --> 00:21:18,949
Don't say there's a planet full.
348
00:21:20,849 --> 00:21:23,629
We've got to start
thinking like Howard.
349
00:21:23,629 --> 00:21:25,769
Where would you take Marina?
350
00:21:25,769 --> 00:21:27,489
Don't ask me.
351
00:21:27,489 --> 00:21:29,769
I never took Advanced Reckless.
352
00:21:29,769 --> 00:21:32,549
No good asking me.
I'm happily married.
353
00:21:32,549 --> 00:21:35,369
Don't lie.
354
00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:38,629
Man who can't lie
should not sell washing machines.
355
00:21:46,629 --> 00:21:50,409
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
356
00:21:50,409 --> 00:21:57,109
It's you know who, sweetie, saying,
have I got a surprise for you!
357
00:21:57,109 --> 00:21:58,949
And you can keep it, sweetie.
358
00:22:03,109 --> 00:22:06,389
I thought they'd never go.
359
00:22:06,389 --> 00:22:08,349
They were looking for a whitethroat.
360
00:22:08,349 --> 00:22:12,289
Just think, it could have been mine.
361
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:16,389
We must stop meeting in
these wild places.
362
00:22:16,389 --> 00:22:19,609
You said something about a surprise?
363
00:22:19,609 --> 00:22:21,449
Tell me it's not true.
364
00:22:21,449 --> 00:22:24,009
You're not involved
with some other person.
365
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:29,049
Howard! If I were, do you think
I'd be out here at the mercy of every passing birdwatcher?
366
00:22:29,049 --> 00:22:34,269
Now...you said
something about a surprise
367
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:38,849
and if you want my opinion
I think it's long overdue.
368
00:22:38,849 --> 00:22:43,189
Step this way. Get ready
to be knocked off your feet.
369
00:22:45,749 --> 00:22:47,349
Good heavens!
370
00:22:47,349 --> 00:22:50,389
I'm in the grip of something
bigger than both of us.
371
00:22:51,929 --> 00:22:54,529
Our own transport.
372
00:22:54,529 --> 00:22:56,349
No more bicycles.
373
00:22:56,349 --> 00:22:58,549
Oh, Howard!
374
00:22:58,549 --> 00:23:02,549
No more reason for us ever to get
flushed or out of breath.
375
00:23:08,269 --> 00:23:11,549
We're not lost, we're here.
376
00:23:11,549 --> 00:23:14,549
I know we're here, but where's here?
377
00:23:14,549 --> 00:23:16,209
There.
378
00:23:16,209 --> 00:23:19,669
But is there anything you
can recognise on that map?
379
00:23:19,669 --> 00:23:21,569
We're in a bare bit, aren't we?
380
00:23:21,569 --> 00:23:24,369
It's showing us that we're
in the middle of nowhere.
381
00:23:24,369 --> 00:23:28,349
That's handy, isn't it?
That's not like knowing a post code.
382
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,549
I knew we should have turned left.
383
00:23:31,549 --> 00:23:34,189
You were driving.
384
00:23:34,189 --> 00:23:36,189
I'd a lot on my mind.
385
00:23:36,189 --> 00:23:38,029
Such as what?
386
00:23:38,029 --> 00:23:40,929
I've forgotten the wife's birthday.
387
00:23:40,929 --> 00:23:44,169
I've seen you when you've
forgotten you had a wife.
388
00:23:44,169 --> 00:23:45,709
I was under stress at the time.
389
00:23:48,589 --> 00:23:50,269
I want to report a stolen car.
390
00:23:50,269 --> 00:23:52,089
This is not a good time.
391
00:23:52,089 --> 00:23:53,909
He's got a lot on his mind.
392
00:23:57,169 --> 00:23:59,029
That's them! There they are.
393
00:23:59,029 --> 00:24:00,489
They were involved!
394
00:24:02,369 --> 00:24:05,429
MUSIC: Theme tune to Z Cars
395
00:24:07,589 --> 00:24:09,309
Look!
396
00:24:09,309 --> 00:24:11,529
That's it. That's Howard.
397
00:24:11,529 --> 00:24:12,989
Foot down, Entwistle.
398
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:20,269
They're picking up speed.
399
00:24:20,269 --> 00:24:22,309
They're trying to lose you.
400
00:24:22,309 --> 00:24:24,389
Nobody loses The Panther.
401
00:24:25,409 --> 00:24:28,389
What about that
little old woman driver?
402
00:24:28,389 --> 00:24:30,669
She got away.
403
00:24:30,669 --> 00:24:33,229
She reminded me of my granny.
404
00:24:33,229 --> 00:24:35,469
How can you chase your granny?
405
00:24:39,109 --> 00:24:43,429
POLICE SIREN WAILS
Better stop. We've got company.
406
00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:59,049
Oi! Ask them where my car is!
407
00:24:59,049 --> 00:25:02,589
Ho ho! It's way ahead now.
You've just let it get away.
408
00:25:05,009 --> 00:25:08,089
Right, who's the driver?
409
00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:10,229
TYRES SCREECH
410
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,309
You're not going to tell me, then?
411
00:25:17,309 --> 00:25:19,669
Tell you what? Who he is.
412
00:25:21,429 --> 00:25:24,309
You've lost me, Howard. I knew it.
413
00:25:24,309 --> 00:25:27,389
I've lost you. There's somebody else.
414
00:25:27,389 --> 00:25:29,009
Who is he?!
415
00:25:29,009 --> 00:25:30,309
TYRES SCREECH
416
00:25:31,509 --> 00:25:34,369
Kindly keep your eyes on the road.
417
00:25:34,369 --> 00:25:36,589
I felt safer by bicycle.
418
00:25:36,589 --> 00:25:40,029
How safe do you think I feel
with some dangerous lunatic
419
00:25:40,029 --> 00:25:44,309
chasing after me because he thinks
I've stolen you away from him?
420
00:25:44,309 --> 00:25:48,329
Howard, don't sit there telling
me somebody's mad keen on me.
421
00:25:48,329 --> 00:25:51,349
Unless you're prepared to
divulge his name and address.
422
00:25:51,349 --> 00:25:55,609
Marina! Only joking, of course.
423
00:25:55,609 --> 00:25:58,789
What makes you think there's
some lunatic chasing you?
424
00:25:58,789 --> 00:26:00,069
CAR HORN TOOTS
425
00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:06,589
Ooh! He is keen, isn't he?
426
00:26:16,689 --> 00:26:20,069
Trust him to buy something
with a lunatic attached.
427
00:26:20,069 --> 00:26:22,089
How long has he had this car?
428
00:26:22,089 --> 00:26:24,489
Just long enough to get
himself into trouble.
429
00:26:24,489 --> 00:26:26,649
At least you get some excitement.
430
00:26:26,649 --> 00:26:29,049
Travis never does anything like this.
431
00:26:29,049 --> 00:26:31,949
Mine won't be doing it
any more for a while.
432
00:26:31,949 --> 00:26:36,169
I don't want to sound like
some know-it-all from BMW Land,
433
00:26:36,169 --> 00:26:39,669
but the chances of finding him out
here are absolutely... Oh!
434
00:26:41,949 --> 00:26:44,149
That was him! Get after him!
435
00:26:55,769 --> 00:26:58,169
Looks like everybody's after him.
436
00:26:58,169 --> 00:27:01,649
Credit where it's due, love,
he does liven things up.
437
00:27:01,649 --> 00:27:05,149
Don't talk to me,
I'm practising being nasty.
438
00:27:12,929 --> 00:27:14,369
Keep going!
439
00:27:29,909 --> 00:27:31,729
Where is he?!
440
00:27:40,989 --> 00:27:42,489
Aargh!
441
00:27:42,489 --> 00:27:43,949
Urgh!
442
00:27:43,949 --> 00:27:46,389
Put him down! Oh!
443
00:27:48,549 --> 00:27:51,069
He's a sneaky little twonk. I know.
444
00:27:51,069 --> 00:27:53,589
But he's MY sneaky little twonk.
445
00:27:56,369 --> 00:27:58,729
Oh, Pearl, love.
446
00:27:58,729 --> 00:28:00,809
Am I glad to see you.
447
00:28:02,629 --> 00:28:05,589
Get home! Go on!
448
00:28:20,689 --> 00:28:24,069
I bet he was glad to see Pearl.
449
00:28:24,069 --> 00:28:28,269
She's the only
place he feels really safe.
450
00:28:28,269 --> 00:28:30,429
You call that safe?
451
00:28:30,429 --> 00:28:32,829
She was bending that brolly on him.
452
00:28:32,829 --> 00:28:35,269
Signs of genuine affection.
453
00:28:35,269 --> 00:28:40,429
You have to care for somebody to
bend a brolly on him like that.
454
00:28:40,429 --> 00:28:42,809
He'll be grounded for a week.
455
00:28:42,809 --> 00:28:46,329
I can see him now looking
miserable in his pinny.
456
00:28:46,329 --> 00:28:49,609
A look that could break your heart.
457
00:28:49,609 --> 00:28:52,189
You really have to laugh!
458
00:28:52,239 --> 00:28:56,789
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