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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:16,700 I heard you coming in at all hours. 2 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:20,120 I told you before - you don't have to wait up for me. 3 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,040 You've been drinking! 4 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:25,360 A celebration. You should try it. 5 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:27,700 Have you never thought of letting your curlers down? 6 00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:32,900 A celebration... Men always find some excuse! 7 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,280 It was Billy's birthday. The way you were singing, it sounded like yours. 8 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:41,000 Have you never got a bit giddy yourself? I knocked on your wall. 9 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,720 Oh, as giddy as that? 10 00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:46,600 There's a touch of springtime in you, then? 11 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,380 When you've finished that, 12 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:19,540 you can come over here and make sure that these... 13 00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:29,060 Serves you right for turning your back, girl! 14 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,940 Did you see anything just flash past? 15 00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:37,920 HE CHUCKLES Gone again, has he? 16 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,620 Ah well, he'll be back. 17 00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:41,780 Is that supposed to be a comfort? 18 00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:45,300 I'm looking for somebody who remembers the Co-op. 19 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:49,320 Well, I remember it. I was there on Wednesday! 20 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,500 No, no, this is 1937. 21 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:57,960 It was a good year for unpleasant senior staff and... 22 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,920 I've forgotten his name! 23 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,220 Try it now, Mr Entwistle! 24 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,560 ENGINE STARTS 25 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,640 You have a wonderful touch with the internal combustion engine, Miss Davenport. 26 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,340 Why, thank you, Mr Entwistle. 27 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:23,720 If ever you need a washing machine, I'll give you discount. 28 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:29,060 It seems such a pity to only meet on these oily occasions. 29 00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:33,380 Have you ever thought of joining our little poetry group, Mr Entwistle? 30 00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:34,480 Can I bring truck? 31 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,200 Well, yes, of course. I'll think about it. 32 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,180 Does anybody remember Billy Pilsworth? 33 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:55,840 He's dead. No, he's not dead. He was always like that - just practising. 34 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,400 Tall bloke with an umbrella? 35 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,380 Always smelt of cough sweets? 36 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:04,500 Small - with or without an umbrella. 37 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:11,120 Sounds like Alvin. Eh-up, Alvin! Tha' must be related to Billy Pilsworth. 38 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:16,160 I'm related to Mr Universe, Captain Marvel, and Tarzan Of The Apes. 39 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,400 I think you must have been adopted. 40 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,040 Do you think we could find Billy Pilsworth? 41 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,800 He might remember the name I'm looking for. 42 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,680 Can we find him? 43 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,420 I was Truly of the Yard - I can find anybody! 44 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:31,560 Tha's not as swift at finding tha' purse! 45 00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:36,320 You'd had enough - even if it was your birthday! 46 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,160 I was still standing. 47 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,580 You were leaning on me! 48 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,860 Might as well be lying down as leaning on thee! 49 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:49,640 Well, I'm glad you're all being so helpful about Billy Pilsworth. 50 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,880 Oh, you're such a gentleman, Howard. 51 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,680 I love the way you spoil me. 52 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,040 The way you hold doors open for me. 53 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,600 Oh! It's something you do for a lady. 54 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,160 Any lady? 55 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,080 Any special lady. 56 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,160 Oh, Howard! 57 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,240 Oh, Marina! 58 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,800 Oh, there's somebody coming! 59 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,600 Was that Marina? 60 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,300 Marina? I once knew a Doreen. 61 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:30,600 I thought you and she... 62 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,940 It's a lie! 63 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,620 Do you think Alvin's gone home? 64 00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:59,260 Give us a minute. I've got to get mind and body working together as one awesome machine. 65 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,600 Tha' gob's doing all the work as usual. 66 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,880 Who is that uncouth person? 67 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,040 We thought he was with you. 68 00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:14,900 His name was something like Handsworth...Wandsworth. 69 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:18,660 He was the regional manager. I couldn't stand him. 70 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:21,520 Tha's not even sure Billy Pilsworth will remember. 71 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:25,080 We both worked for the Co-op. He'll remember this idiot. 72 00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaking of idiots... how are we doing, Alvin? 73 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,260 Nearly there. Well, get on with it! 74 00:05:35,260 --> 00:05:38,300 At this rate I'm never gonna find Billy Pilsworth. 75 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,160 I'm ready. I'm ready! 76 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,400 So do it. What do you want? A brass band? 77 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,700 I wonder who it was then that smelled of cough sweets? 78 00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:05,460 Oh, I never use them. I don't think it's fair to Robin Hood. 79 00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:09,180 I like to keep this slim, tiger-like image. 80 00:06:11,220 --> 00:06:15,480 Fancy a little something for your chest, eh, Alvin? 81 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,080 I think I jumped too soon. 82 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,440 No. We liked it just as it was. 83 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:29,560 Mr Teasdale tells me he's never had a friend as long as your Barry. 84 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,920 My Barry's not that long. 85 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,600 I believe he meant length of time. 86 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:39,420 Usually he just starts to get to know people then he has to repossess their car. 87 00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:41,420 Ours is paid for. 88 00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:45,000 Yes, he did mention that, too. 89 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,000 I don't think he's ever had a friend whose car was paid for. 90 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,320 I don't think I've ever had a friend whose car was paid for. 91 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:58,480 You have this interesting life, Mr Teasdale. 92 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,420 I'm stuck in an office all day. 93 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,180 Call me Herman. Oh! 94 00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:06,220 We should go out one evening for a meal. The four of us. 95 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:10,880 You'd do that? Course we'd do that. Oh! Give over! 96 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,560 I get enough of that with Glenda. 97 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,300 Your wife hugs you? When? 98 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,840 Seems like every opportunity. Mine did once. 99 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,660 When she thought she heard burglars. 100 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:26,280 You wouldn't fancy coming round, say about midnight, and rattle a few windows? 101 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,160 You want me to wear something casual? Like a mask! 102 00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:34,480 How caring can they be if they suddenly push you through a door? 103 00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:41,700 If they're following closely on your heels, I've always found it to be a positive sign. 104 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,680 He just slammed the door on me. 105 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,380 Has that ever happened to you? 106 00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:49,360 Mine always tend to sneak out quietly. 107 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,800 They promise forever and they're gone before morning. 108 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,440 At least you had the evening. 109 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,780 You must have had your evenings? 110 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:01,960 Never in what you might call sheltered accommodation. 111 00:08:03,980 --> 00:08:06,560 Oh, Mr Truelove! 112 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,200 What a pleasure to see you pursuing your literary interests! 113 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,180 Have you got a copy of the electoral register? 114 00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:16,580 Oh, as literary as that? 115 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,040 We're looking for the address of a Pilsworth. 116 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:23,120 Oh, not Ronald Pilsworth? 117 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:28,600 THE most gorgeous male person at JP Bridges Agricultural Engineers Limited? 118 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,640 We're looking for a Billy Pilsworth. 119 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,960 Condition immaterial. 120 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,940 His father. Dear old William... 121 00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:40,300 to whom I was almost related by something very close to marriage. 122 00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:45,860 How close? Whenever I called for Ronald, dear old William 123 00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:50,340 used to pat me affectionately and sit me beside him on the sofa. 124 00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:54,780 Not necessarily in that order. Close. 125 00:08:54,780 --> 00:08:59,000 Sounds like tha' were doing better with Billy than Ronald. 126 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:03,080 You never think of romance reaching as far as an agricultural engineer, do you? 127 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,780 It's true. 128 00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:08,540 Very few of the great lovers of literature have a steady job. 129 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,840 Ronald was my first love. 130 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:16,940 If you discount one or two false steps whilst you're still on the learning curve. 131 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:34,400 You're wet! And you're dry. 132 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:38,080 You see how hopeless it is, this passion you've got for me? 133 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,560 You're mental. And you're dripping on my yard. 134 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:48,920 I'm dripping on OUR yard. How does any sane person get wet on a fine morning? 135 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,420 Typhoon Nora. 136 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:54,820 Struck without warning as I was passing through Alderson Street. 137 00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:56,560 You've been fooling about again. 138 00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:03,480 I was attempting to rescue this woman from drowning, 139 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,020 but of course she couldn't keep her trap shut. 140 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,520 Went down like a stone. 141 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,000 Oh! 142 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:22,300 I'm not taking messages to that Marina. 143 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:25,440 She could poke your eye out with them eyelashes. 144 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,140 You've got to know when to duck. 145 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,960 Shh, over here. 146 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,740 Can we all stand this way, 147 00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:41,940 facing the house and smiling as if we were just having a chat? 148 00:10:41,940 --> 00:10:44,940 In case she looks out. 149 00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:48,300 It's like working for MI5. 150 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,680 Well, for some of us, you know, the Cold War's never stopped. 151 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,440 Go on then. Where will she be? Who? 152 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:58,020 This person you're going to ask us to take a message to. 153 00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:01,300 I don't know why people should jump to conclusions like that. 154 00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:07,180 She ought to keep her eyelashes under control. 155 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:11,760 Just cut to the chase and tell us where she's going to be. Go on then! 156 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,900 Tell them where she's going to be. 157 00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:17,880 Hello, love. I was just out here waiting for you. 158 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,720 Invited a few friends, have you? 159 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,400 That's nice. Best be off. 160 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,900 Can't stay here all day talking football. 161 00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:32,080 Here! Who's got long eyelashes that plays football? 162 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,680 Oh! Oh, oh! 163 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,220 And it's not your full back we're talking about is it? 164 00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:41,400 It's more your full front. 165 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,840 Norman Clegg? 166 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,940 You remember Norman Clegg. 167 00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:51,760 You used to work with him. At the Co-op. Co-op? 168 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,220 He used to sell lino. 169 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:56,800 Oh, that's your game, is it? Selling lino. 170 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,140 You can keep your lino! 171 00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:01,840 No, no. We're looking for information. 172 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,080 Do you remember Billy Pilsworth? 173 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,580 The name's familiar. 174 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,860 It should be. It's yours! 175 00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,520 I knew I'd heard it somewhere. 176 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,640 You've got a son called Ronald. 177 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,720 So have I! He's in Australia. 178 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,780 Been there for years. 179 00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaks it like a native. 180 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,880 He doesn't want any lino either! 181 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,280 What a personality. 182 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,360 I bet he's related to Nora Batty. 183 00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:34,580 Why don't we go for a jar? 184 00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:37,440 I'm teed off with selling lino. 185 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,520 We'll go for a drink and break the news about Ronald to Marina. 186 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,380 Who's paying? Oh, Alvin! 187 00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:51,100 What happened to that daredevil, reckless, some say insane, spirit? 188 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:53,640 I'm saving up to go really crackers. Oh! 189 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,520 Something else to look forward to. 190 00:12:55,520 --> 00:13:01,620 You know, despite the difference in height, I always think of you two as a matching set. 191 00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:20,254 Is that chair comfy? 192 00:13:20,254 --> 00:13:21,994 Perfectly, thank you. 193 00:13:21,994 --> 00:13:25,534 I could be persuaded to part with it very reasonably. 194 00:13:25,534 --> 00:13:27,674 Ooh, we're not buying. 195 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,854 I suspected that. But you have to try. 196 00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:32,974 We're only visiting. 197 00:13:32,974 --> 00:13:35,774 This is a commercial establishment. 198 00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:37,574 Who's got time for visiting? 199 00:13:37,574 --> 00:13:41,474 You should make time. Relax more. 200 00:13:41,474 --> 00:13:44,654 How can you relax when people are not buying? 201 00:13:44,654 --> 00:13:48,334 We knew you'd be difficult. 202 00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:51,054 Working that out wasn't difficult. 203 00:13:51,054 --> 00:13:54,234 The vicar asked us to keep an eye on you. 204 00:13:54,234 --> 00:14:00,534 The vicar? Well, rather him poking his nose in than that tax inspector. 205 00:14:00,534 --> 00:14:05,434 He likes to keep a watch on the welfare of his old people. 206 00:14:05,434 --> 00:14:07,874 Old? 207 00:14:09,234 --> 00:14:11,534 It's time you faced it. 208 00:14:11,534 --> 00:14:14,154 We're none of us as young as we used to be. 209 00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:17,814 I was never as young as I used to be. 210 00:14:17,814 --> 00:14:19,454 I was always too busy. 211 00:14:19,454 --> 00:14:21,774 Are you eating properly? 212 00:14:21,774 --> 00:14:24,094 As many as a dozen customers a day. 213 00:14:24,094 --> 00:14:25,454 BELL RINGS 214 00:14:25,454 --> 00:14:27,194 Oh... 215 00:14:27,194 --> 00:14:31,134 Don't tell them you're not buying. It's bad for the image. 216 00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:42,494 Norman Clegg is asking if anyone can remember who worked at the Co-op in 1937. 217 00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:45,894 1937? 218 00:14:45,894 --> 00:14:48,214 There was Eric Johnson. 219 00:14:48,214 --> 00:14:50,694 It wasn't Eric. It was Edgar. 220 00:14:50,694 --> 00:14:53,154 Edgar was a Jones. Edgar Jones. 221 00:14:54,514 --> 00:14:58,394 He used to have a pink bicycle when everybody else's was black. 222 00:14:58,394 --> 00:15:01,374 And it took some selling, that pink bicycle. 223 00:15:01,374 --> 00:15:03,054 I had to throw in a new pump. 224 00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:12,734 Australia? Ronald went to Australia? 225 00:15:12,734 --> 00:15:14,114 To forget me? 226 00:15:15,134 --> 00:15:17,534 Broken-hearted, his father said. 227 00:15:17,534 --> 00:15:20,994 Due entirely to a failed romance. 228 00:15:20,994 --> 00:15:22,534 I wouldn't say failed. 229 00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:27,034 He got marks for trying. And he could have taken it again at any time. 230 00:15:27,034 --> 00:15:31,014 Tell Marina I'll always be hers alone, he said. 231 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:36,454 Tell her not to get any wrong impressions just because I've got a wife and four kids. 232 00:15:36,454 --> 00:15:39,954 That was just a cry for help. 233 00:15:39,954 --> 00:15:42,054 From Australia? What was he using... 234 00:15:42,054 --> 00:15:43,814 a megaphone? 235 00:15:43,814 --> 00:15:46,794 There's a happy ending, though. They all left him. 236 00:15:46,794 --> 00:15:49,614 For years he wandered the outback alone. 237 00:15:49,614 --> 00:15:53,434 Learning the native customs - gambling and drinking. 238 00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:58,274 Still thinking of you, he went off to wrestle crocodiles. 239 00:15:58,274 --> 00:16:01,834 Well, I know where he did his training, 240 00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:04,514 but I never imagined he'd move up to crocodiles. 241 00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:07,654 The trick with crocodiles is being fast. 242 00:16:07,654 --> 00:16:09,674 Oh, he was fast. 243 00:16:09,674 --> 00:16:13,354 Had much experience with crocodiles then, Alvin? 244 00:16:13,354 --> 00:16:15,774 They're only like a big Jack Russell. 245 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:20,794 If you can handle a nasty Jack Russell, you'd be home free with crocodiles. 246 00:16:20,794 --> 00:16:24,894 I expect to somebody your size, Alvin, a Jack Russell must look like a crocodile. 247 00:16:25,914 --> 00:16:27,694 Mainly from the front. 248 00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:29,974 Poor Ronald. 249 00:16:29,974 --> 00:16:34,414 Don't you hate it when your fiance goes off to wrestle crocodiles? 250 00:16:34,414 --> 00:16:36,414 Do you think he'll ever return? 251 00:16:36,414 --> 00:16:40,034 I wouldn't push it. You never know how many bits might be missing. 252 00:16:58,754 --> 00:17:00,534 I like it. The instinct. 253 00:17:00,534 --> 00:17:04,534 The speed of decision. You spotted a bargain passing your house. 254 00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:07,874 What bargain? What, this old washer? 255 00:17:07,874 --> 00:17:10,654 Being cagey now. Looking to get price down. 256 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,974 Wow! Us Yorkshire folk! 257 00:17:14,714 --> 00:17:16,374 OK, I give you discount. 258 00:17:16,374 --> 00:17:20,414 Since I've only wheeled it from there to here, you get minimum delivery charge. 259 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,854 I don't want your old washer. 260 00:17:22,854 --> 00:17:25,114 That's because you're thinking "old washer". 261 00:17:25,114 --> 00:17:27,754 Start thinking "big bargain". 262 00:17:27,754 --> 00:17:30,934 Straight away it looks better. Trust me. I sell these things. 263 00:17:30,934 --> 00:17:35,554 I was hoping you could give me a lift. I'm late for an appointment. 264 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,274 OK. 265 00:17:37,274 --> 00:17:40,634 Maybe she buys old washer. Shh! 266 00:17:40,634 --> 00:17:43,354 Ronald writes home regularly. 267 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,214 Asks if you're married. 268 00:17:45,214 --> 00:17:47,854 Only thing that's kept him going, his father says. 269 00:17:47,854 --> 00:17:50,334 The thought that you've stayed true to him. 270 00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:56,174 Well, if you don't count annual holidays I'm sure I've every right to his confidence. 271 00:17:56,174 --> 00:17:59,094 These last few years especially. 272 00:17:59,094 --> 00:18:02,214 What about Howard? 273 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,554 Oh, very tactfully put, Alvin, 274 00:18:05,554 --> 00:18:08,594 but yeah - now we're on the subject - what about Howard? 275 00:18:09,774 --> 00:18:12,054 I hardly know the individual. 276 00:18:12,054 --> 00:18:14,034 People jump to conclusions. 277 00:18:14,034 --> 00:18:18,954 Oh, they do. The only one who never jumps to any conclusion is Howard. 278 00:18:18,954 --> 00:18:21,774 But suppose Ronald heard about Howard. 279 00:18:21,774 --> 00:18:24,954 Go all moody round the billabong. 280 00:18:24,954 --> 00:18:31,274 Is it fair, when all he's got to cuddle is a crocodile? Oh, don't. 281 00:18:31,274 --> 00:18:35,274 Could put him right off his stroke. Forgets which end the teeth are. 282 00:18:35,274 --> 00:18:38,554 Have to start writing home with his elbow. 283 00:18:38,554 --> 00:18:42,214 Stop! You think I should refrain from seeing Howard? 284 00:18:42,214 --> 00:18:44,694 For Ronald's sake. 285 00:18:44,694 --> 00:18:48,234 For a while anyway. Only decent. 286 00:18:49,974 --> 00:18:54,094 I don't know how I'll live with it, if they both go off to wrestle crocodiles. 287 00:19:16,774 --> 00:19:18,374 Barry - 288 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:19,954 just the lad. 289 00:19:23,494 --> 00:19:25,394 How did you do that? 290 00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:28,454 You must live on a shelf in the library. 291 00:19:28,454 --> 00:19:29,974 You never heard me coming. 292 00:19:29,974 --> 00:19:31,934 I'm like a panther, Barry. 293 00:19:31,934 --> 00:19:33,834 And this panther has been thinking. 294 00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:37,294 You remember you promised to pretend to be a burglar for me? 295 00:19:37,294 --> 00:19:39,134 I can't remember promising. 296 00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:41,474 I thought you were joking. 297 00:19:41,474 --> 00:19:45,634 About having a cuddle? It's no joking matter when you never get a cuddle. 298 00:19:45,634 --> 00:19:49,574 It's all right for you. You get cuddled every two hours. 299 00:19:49,574 --> 00:19:52,154 Only at weekends. 300 00:19:52,154 --> 00:19:54,994 I've been thinking... why wait until dark? 301 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:58,234 I'm at home this afternoon. The wife's at home this afternoon. 302 00:19:58,234 --> 00:20:01,054 So everything is in place for a cuddle. 303 00:20:01,054 --> 00:20:03,554 Happy birthday, Mr Teasdale. 304 00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:07,574 It's never going to happen, lad, unless I get her kick-started. 305 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,374 Unless she sees something terrifying. 306 00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:13,194 Flies into my manly arms. 307 00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:16,774 You see where I'm coming from, Barry? Of course. Absolutely. 308 00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:19,794 Well, actually...no. 309 00:20:21,534 --> 00:20:23,854 Pop this on. 310 00:20:23,854 --> 00:20:24,974 What is it? 311 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,794 It's a stocking mask. 312 00:20:26,794 --> 00:20:30,014 She sees you wearing this, peering in through our windows. 313 00:20:30,014 --> 00:20:32,054 I bet you look terrifying. 314 00:20:32,054 --> 00:20:33,154 Go on. 315 00:20:35,294 --> 00:20:36,414 There. 316 00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:39,354 THEY SCREAM 317 00:20:42,394 --> 00:20:43,654 SCREAMS CONTINUE 318 00:20:43,654 --> 00:20:45,314 You see? 319 00:20:45,314 --> 00:20:47,454 You'll have to do it, Mr Teasdale. 320 00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,314 I've been sussed. 321 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,574 How can I do it myself? 322 00:20:51,574 --> 00:20:54,334 Well...nip outside, 323 00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:57,734 pop the mask on, peep in the window, scare your wife... 324 00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:00,554 then pop back in and comfort her. 325 00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:04,034 It could happen. 326 00:21:04,034 --> 00:21:07,794 It's all a matter of timing, you know. 327 00:21:13,954 --> 00:21:18,094 Well, I think we managed to put the boot through Howard's love life. 328 00:21:18,094 --> 00:21:20,394 For the time being. Do him good. 329 00:21:20,394 --> 00:21:24,374 Teach him respect for the mysterious ways of the ladies. 330 00:21:24,374 --> 00:21:26,194 I'm nearly ready. 331 00:21:26,194 --> 00:21:28,814 And we're nearly thoroughly excited to hear that. 332 00:21:28,814 --> 00:21:30,554 Beware of the crocodiles. 333 00:21:30,554 --> 00:21:33,194 Howard may have missed wrestling one or two. 334 00:21:33,194 --> 00:21:37,754 I'm not going in the water like some pillock who'll remain nameless. 335 00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:40,354 I'm going straight across in one bound. 336 00:21:40,354 --> 00:21:45,834 The unbiased spectator should note that Billy has longer legs than me. 337 00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:49,054 Alvin, everybody has longer legs than you! 338 00:21:50,074 --> 00:21:53,934 But they're perfectly formed. Marvels of miniaturisation. 339 00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:56,094 I'm pawing the ground with both feet. 340 00:21:56,094 --> 00:21:58,034 It's a native ritual. 341 00:21:58,034 --> 00:22:00,854 I learned it from the Hoogli tribe when I was up the Amazon. 342 00:22:00,854 --> 00:22:04,614 Ooh. Are these legs talented or what? 343 00:22:04,614 --> 00:22:06,434 Here we come! 344 00:22:12,534 --> 00:22:14,954 More leg than he can manage. 345 00:22:14,954 --> 00:22:17,314 I thought the left one was going well. 346 00:22:17,894 --> 00:22:22,654 Crosswind. I was doing OK till I hit this crosswind. 347 00:22:22,654 --> 00:22:24,434 There's no cure for it. 348 00:22:26,934 --> 00:22:29,454 I don't know how they do it. 349 00:22:29,454 --> 00:22:33,154 We've had no rain all week and still my neighbour comes home wet. 350 00:22:33,154 --> 00:22:36,854 You should live with mine. He's wet coming and going. 351 00:22:36,854 --> 00:22:39,654 They're attracted to water. 352 00:22:39,654 --> 00:22:43,054 They're attracted to more than that. 353 00:22:43,054 --> 00:22:44,954 For which we should all be grateful. 354 00:22:46,474 --> 00:22:50,334 I don't think my Barry's attracted to water. 355 00:22:50,334 --> 00:22:52,914 He could be lying. 356 00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:57,334 He's never expressed any interest in boats or fish. 357 00:22:57,334 --> 00:22:59,614 They conceal things. 358 00:22:59,614 --> 00:23:04,354 We'd been married for years before my Wally confessed that he didn't like two tomatoes. 359 00:23:04,354 --> 00:23:08,434 Oh, that's picky. Which two? 360 00:23:08,434 --> 00:23:10,834 More than one. 361 00:23:11,094 --> 00:23:14,954 I always used to give him two with his fried breakfast. 362 00:23:14,954 --> 00:23:18,914 I thought everybody liked two tomatoes with a fried breakfast. 363 00:23:18,914 --> 00:23:20,794 So did I. 364 00:23:20,794 --> 00:23:24,694 You think you're doing them a favour then they fling it in your face. 365 00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:26,514 Why didn't he mention it earlier? 366 00:23:26,514 --> 00:23:28,154 Like on your honeymoon? 367 00:23:28,154 --> 00:23:31,234 Your first breakfast together. 368 00:23:31,234 --> 00:23:36,674 I don't know. It wasn't as if he had a lot of other things on his mind. 369 00:23:36,674 --> 00:23:40,574 How did you take it when he did finally mention it? 370 00:23:40,574 --> 00:23:45,514 Not very well. It wasn't our best period, marriage-wise. 371 00:23:45,514 --> 00:23:48,154 I mean you're on your guard against other women, 372 00:23:48,154 --> 00:23:52,274 but when they start being unfaithful to your fried breakfast...! 373 00:23:52,274 --> 00:23:57,014 I expect you filled him. Maybe he just couldn't tackle two tomatoes. 374 00:23:57,014 --> 00:23:59,894 You don't have to make excuses for them. 375 00:23:59,894 --> 00:24:02,294 They'll invent their own. 376 00:24:02,294 --> 00:24:07,734 I wish wives wouldn't think that they were the only ones that were deceived by their husbands. 377 00:24:07,734 --> 00:24:11,434 Men cheat on their girlfriends as well, you know. 378 00:24:11,434 --> 00:24:13,814 Yes, but they get all the spoiling. 379 00:24:13,814 --> 00:24:16,714 All we get's the laundry. 380 00:24:16,714 --> 00:24:18,974 It's as well to stay ready for trouble. 381 00:24:18,974 --> 00:24:21,074 They'll rarely disappoint you. 382 00:24:21,074 --> 00:24:24,154 My Barry never disappoints me. 383 00:24:24,154 --> 00:24:28,214 Except once when he didn't like my new nightdress. 384 00:24:28,214 --> 00:24:31,094 What's there to like about a nightdress? 385 00:24:31,094 --> 00:24:35,474 They're not all just an extension of a hot water bottle. 386 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,074 Some can be quite creative. 387 00:24:39,634 --> 00:24:42,194 Come on. Get yourself down there. 388 00:24:45,054 --> 00:24:47,194 That's two today. 389 00:24:47,194 --> 00:24:49,794 Where do they go to get wet? 390 00:24:49,794 --> 00:24:54,834 Well, wherever it is, they needn't bring it in on my floor! 391 00:24:54,834 --> 00:24:56,774 He needs something hot. 392 00:24:56,774 --> 00:24:58,854 This leg's got hypothermia. 393 00:24:58,854 --> 00:25:03,854 Put it away. It doesn't belong in a catering establishment. 394 00:25:03,854 --> 00:25:06,554 It doesn't belong in a pair of trousers. 395 00:25:06,554 --> 00:25:08,154 Looks more at home on a stork. 396 00:25:08,154 --> 00:25:12,994 Soon as it's better, tha'll find it's ideal for treading on small blokes. 397 00:25:12,994 --> 00:25:15,694 Can we leave this leg in your tender care, madam? 398 00:25:15,694 --> 00:25:19,134 No, you can't. Take him home! 399 00:25:19,134 --> 00:25:23,914 Home? I'm looking for a place of sympathy and comfort. 400 00:25:23,914 --> 00:25:25,634 Last place is home. 401 00:25:29,854 --> 00:25:35,574 To keep a pure flame alive, Howard, I mustn't be seen in the company of men. 402 00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:39,114 We'll go where it's quieter. No, Howard. 403 00:25:39,114 --> 00:25:41,914 I'm going to build a reputation 404 00:25:41,914 --> 00:25:47,594 for being a lonely but faithful flower in this garden of weeds. 405 00:25:50,554 --> 00:25:54,834 But can't we be faithful to him together? 406 00:25:54,834 --> 00:25:57,494 I mustn't be seen with a man. 407 00:25:57,494 --> 00:26:01,034 Although you know I'll always care for you, Howard. 408 00:26:01,034 --> 00:26:04,274 You can't just brush me aside. 409 00:26:07,174 --> 00:26:10,834 Do you know who it was? 410 00:26:10,834 --> 00:26:13,414 Illingworth. Who? 411 00:26:13,414 --> 00:26:16,374 The man from the Co-op. The regional manager. 412 00:26:16,374 --> 00:26:19,454 The...the one I couldn't stand. 413 00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:21,914 Illingworth. Yes, Illingworth. 414 00:26:23,534 --> 00:26:25,814 Sprained ankle. 415 00:26:25,814 --> 00:26:27,374 I don't know why. 416 00:26:27,374 --> 00:26:29,034 I landed on me head. 417 00:26:31,254 --> 00:26:33,574 I was just peering in my own window. 418 00:26:33,574 --> 00:26:36,934 Wearing a stocking mask? I was hoping to amuse the wife. 419 00:26:36,934 --> 00:26:39,574 Very amusing, sir. 420 00:26:39,574 --> 00:26:41,794 I was trying to organise a cuddle. 421 00:26:46,294 --> 00:26:47,654 A cuddle? 422 00:26:47,654 --> 00:26:49,554 I can explain. 423 00:26:50,574 --> 00:26:52,594 I think you'd better, sir. 424 00:26:55,054 --> 00:27:00,674 Do you think a person of my age could learn to wrestle crocodiles? 425 00:27:00,674 --> 00:27:03,834 Start small, Howard. Borrow somebody's ferret. 426 00:27:08,534 --> 00:27:11,034 Thank you. I won't forget this. 427 00:27:11,034 --> 00:27:12,914 You've been very understanding. 428 00:27:12,914 --> 00:27:16,534 We ought to be thanking you, sir. For the idea. My pleasure. 429 00:27:16,534 --> 00:27:17,994 Good luck to us all! 430 00:27:23,654 --> 00:27:24,854 Let's hope it works. 431 00:27:24,854 --> 00:27:26,534 How do we look? 432 00:27:26,534 --> 00:27:28,374 Like a real pair of crooks! 433 00:27:28,374 --> 00:27:30,234 Not two sailors? 434 00:27:30,234 --> 00:27:35,354 No, no! Only don't forget to take your uniform hats off, that's all. 435 00:27:37,694 --> 00:27:40,314 I hope I haven't forgotten how to cuddle. 436 00:27:40,314 --> 00:27:43,594 They say it's like riding a bicycle. I'll drink to that! 437 00:27:45,834 --> 00:27:49,954 Managers were all the same in those days. 438 00:27:49,954 --> 00:27:53,314 The one advantage was they made the wife seem friendlier. 439 00:27:53,314 --> 00:27:56,214 Must have missed mine! 440 00:27:56,214 --> 00:27:58,914 I couldn't stand the man. 441 00:27:58,914 --> 00:28:01,234 I often wondered what happened to him. 442 00:28:01,234 --> 00:28:03,754 After all these years, you still can't stand him? 443 00:28:05,134 --> 00:28:08,794 Well, not any more. Oh? 444 00:28:11,094 --> 00:28:14,494 Pulled a fast one, didn't he? 445 00:28:14,494 --> 00:28:16,734 Got himself killed. 446 00:28:16,734 --> 00:28:18,194 In the war. 447 00:28:20,094 --> 00:28:21,834 Winning the MC. 448 00:28:24,654 --> 00:28:27,034 Cheeky devil! 449 00:28:27,034 --> 00:28:29,234 Captain Illingworth. 450 00:28:30,514 --> 00:28:32,474 MC. 451 00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:54,614 Oh, Ronald! 452 00:28:54,614 --> 00:29:01,174 If you're into crocodiles, please spare a thought for someone who wouldn't mind sharing your interest. 453 00:29:01,174 --> 00:29:04,354 As long as it was in the form of a handbag and a nice pair of shoes. 454 00:29:04,404 --> 00:29:08,954 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35844

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