All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s25e11 Variations on a Theme.eng

Are you ready?

Roll the target!

SLEIGH BELLS RING OUTSIDE WINDOW

Oh, it's a waste of time
if the lights won't work.

Lights now work.

Are you sure? Trust me,
I'm an electrical Entwhistle!

Is it safe to switch 'em on?
No problem.

Ah, lovely.

You gormless twillop!
Now what have you got to say?

Merry Christmas?

I get �1,000 off a new kitchen
and a chance to win what?

Oh, ten days in Majorca?

Oh, that'll be a treat.

It'll give me a chance
to wear me new disco outfit!

Down there in the gulley.

That's where we said goodbye.

I think I've heard this before.

It was a musical.

He's not gonna start singing, is he?

He hasn't got the chest for it.

Best he could do is tweet.

Oh, that would be a TWEET!

Oh, you're a cynical lot.

This was a deeply
romantic occasion.

Ah, I think that's tweet.

I'll ignore you and carry on.

Broke her little heart, I did.

Trod on it, did you?

"Why do you have to go, Alvin?"
She pleaded.

"Why is there only you that can
save England from deadly enemies?"

Aye, we were wondering that.

I expect it was because he had
nothing else to do that weekend.

It took him a whole weekend?

Well, maybe he was short-handed.
Mind you, he's got legs to match.

"I shall never forget our magical
time together," she said between sobs.

So you see, it wasn't just goodbye.

I had to lend her a good hankie.
It had my initials on it.

I don't know why I'm standing here
listening to this drivel when I should be at home writing my own!

How far have you got
with them memoirs?

Ah, not very far. I keep
forgetting people's names!

Give it a miss. You're spending
too much time stuck in the house.

I'm spending too much time
trying to remember people's names.

The thing
I remember about her most is,

she owes me a hankie.

Old Zachary dead? Are you sure?

Well, they must have been pretty
sure - they buried him last week.

It's times like these
that make you wonder what happened to his mahogany bedroom suite?

You knew him quite well, then?

If you were familiar
with his bedroom suite.

I sold it to him.

He promised I could buy it back
when he'd finished with it.

Still, he needn't
have hurried for my sake.

It wasn't that much of a hurry.

He was 96.

Well, what can you say?

Except I hope he didn't suffer...

or leave it to anybody who might
think it's worth more than it is.

I've forgotten her name,

but I can see her
as clear as daylight at school.

Pigtails...spectacles...

tallish lass, blonde...

black lipstick.

She looked like Snow White's
wicked stepmother.

Lipstick at school? Never!

She used to chew
sticks of liquorice.

Oh, right.

I suppose we all looked like we used
stove cleaner for toothpaste.

Have you got any school photographs?

Yes, yes. Come in, come in.

Hang on a minute.

See if you can put a name to a few.

Hang on a minute...

I'll bring them down.

KNOCK ON DOOR
It's only me, Cleggy.

I don't know where the dragon is.

She's here.

Just joking.
You know me, anything for a laugh.

They were seen on their own
in a four-wheel-drive vehicle.

Is that significant or something?

I don't think any woman
who values her reputation

would be seen on her own with
a driver in an off-road vehicle.

I don't think that danger's something
you and I need lose any sleep over.

I wish you'd stop following me.

Why would anybody be following you?

I think it's animal attraction.

Hey, animal.

Find a table, sit down and behave.

Fear not, madam,
they're under my control.

And less flannel from you.

I think she must have trained
with my missus.

Animal attraction?

He looks like a neglected whippet.

He's pulling your leg!

Life is full of mystery.
Doesn't it make you wonder where Nora got that hat?

It makes you wonder why!

I think she gets
her fashion notes from Oxfam.

Where's the other one?
Where's Norman Clegg?

Oh, gone down Nostalgia Lane.

Trying not to forget
everything he's forgotten.

He's stuck in the house,
buried deep in the past.

At the moment he's just stuck,
trying to remember the name of a girl at school.

Blonde with glasses, tallish girl.

Pigtail. Used to chew liquorice.

Sounds like
a dangerous pigtail to have.

Did she do needlework?

No, that was me.

Choose a sport, they said.
So I picked needlework.

And in no time at all,
I was playing for the first team.

Tallish girl? Glasses?

Did she used to do handstands?

Oh, that one!

She used to walk on her hands.

Audrey something.

Needham.

I remember her better
upside down than the right way up.

Audrey Needham!

What's stopping...emergency?
A mahogany bedroom suite.

An emergency
mahogany bedroom suite?

She's set her heart on it.

Auntie has a heart?
She set her wallet on it.

It's gonna be heavy.

People sneer at chipboard,
but it's not as heavy. SHOP BELL RINGS

Why are we hanging about when I'm
paying for the hire of the vehicle?

People don't pay for hanging about.

Some people don't pay much
for NOT hanging about!

I can't hear him.
Haven't you told him I'm deaf?

Deaf when she wants to be.

I've got selective hearing.

There's no cure for it.

Why is it some people
are flying jumbo jets

and I'm either in some old truck
or co-pilot of a hand cart?

This truck used to be a jumbo jet.

I had it remodelled.

What happened to the air hostess?

Got married, had children,
now looks like any other wife.

You see, Smiler, how cruel life is?

You're better off on the hand cart.

This is your captain speaking.

Please fasten seatbelts
and observe no smoking.

I'm observing no moving.
When are we going to start moving?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES

Audrey Needham. She was right.
That's who it was.

Was.
Now she's the Widow Winstanley.

Now that we've found her for Clegg,

don't you think it'd be nice
if we, um, got 'em together?

I think all he wanted was her name.
You know what he's like.

If he sees a live woman
on his doorstep,

he'll get
irritable bowel syndrome.

He should get out of the house more,
with his friends, where he's safe.

A woman on his doorstep
might just do the trick.

That's wicked. Yes, isn't it?

I was rather pleased with it
myself. I'll get her this time.

You'll find the deepest emotions,
of course, in the greater poets.

If you're looking
to rekindle your primal fire...

I don't carry matches any more.

You should join our little poetry
group. We perform our own work.

Well, I can do that.

Excellent! Are you
a passionate person, Mr Ingleton?

Well, I got pretty narked
when I stop smoking.

You must have known love.

Oh, don't remind me.

I loved Hubert.

Oh.

And there he was, dead,
on the floor.

His mouth was open,
you could see his tooth.

He had this lovely tooth.

Just the one tooth?

Well, I expect he had more
at the back somewhere.

You don't like to pry.

No, no, of course.

Besides,
he'd bite if you weren't careful.

He was a hamster.

I was devastated.

He'd be waiting when I got home.

You never think
there's gonna come a day...

when you have to bury
your loved ones...

in a gravy granules tin!

Not love in a cage, Mr Ingleton.

Something free, wild, untameable.

You want a ferret!

You must read this!

I defy you not to be uplifted,
energised,

rendered more open to the passions
our nature calls us to.

Haven't you got anything...?

Yes? ..thinner?

Hey, I like the red wires,
they look interesting.

Thinking man can't help wondering
why Alvin is wet.

Alvin's often wet.

He's getting better at it.

What seems to be the problem,
Entwhistle?

Bad attitude, this truck.
Where you lot heading?

To find a widow for Norman Clegg.

Nothing fancy. She walks
on her hands, I call that fancy.

He can do the same
if he wants to talk to her.

He wants woman
that walks on her hands?

No,
we're throwing that in as a bonus.

Liven him up a bit.
Get him out of his room.

A widow for Norman Clegg?
Won't he be terrified?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. Hello, Auntie Rose.

Any change?

No. Oh.

Does he always get this moody
about his golf?

Not only his own golf. Now he's
ashamed of his partner's golf.

And he's stopped speaking English.

He only speaks grunt. Grunt?

As in, for example...

Auntie Rose and I
are just popping into town, Barry.

Oh.

Now I'm with you. He speaks grunt.
Oh, don't worry, love.

They always come round in the end.

Sometimes both ends.

What sort of water was it?
You smell like a wet dog!

Oh? What kind?

Do you ever wonder if he's an idiot?

Never. We're absolutely sure
he's an idiot.

It's what he does best.

Was there any need to get him wet?

I was wondering that.

When fate presents you
with a barmpot, you feel obliged to make use of it.

It must be nice
having a wild, free lifestyle,

where you can get wet
whenever you want to.

You want wet,
you can wash them windows!

It's all right in its place,

but there's some places
you can do without it.

How come you've brought him here
for attention?

You've no right flaunting
your freedom in front of people who are practically a prisoner.

Prisoner?

Every time I blink, you've gone!

See,
he gets time off for bad behaviour.

We tried Clegg first,
but he was most offended

that anybody should think he's the
kind of person to own a hairdryer!

He'll get over it, when he finds
his widow on his doorstep.

Well, he only wanted her name.

Why stop at half measures?

If you're gonna do a job,
do it properly.

You're wicked, d'you know that?

It was the first subject we had
to pass on joining the vice squad.

We can't go all that way on foot.

We can if we have to, and we seem
to have run out of transport.

You're too old
to be trekking all that way.

Ow!

What the 'eck have you got
in there? Just a few yo-yos.

Where are you gonna sell
all those old yo-yos?

Nobody wants yo-yos.

You have to make them want yo-yos.
How do you think they got started?

Just imagine the genius
of that first yo-yo salesman.

"What does it do?" people asked.

Well, it goes up and down
this bit of string.

And he still sold yo-yos.
Now that's what I call class.

Now, if you two yo-yos
would put your backs into it,

get this show on the road.

They'll get nowhere
with the Widow Winstanley.

She's not daft enough
to be interested in men.

Well, she could learn.
It's not too difficult.

I'll ask her. She'll be here later.

If she's a widow, she must have
been interested at one time.

We all make mistakes.

It has to be said, some of us
are better at it than others.

Widow Winstanley won't be in
a hurry to make another mistake.

You can't stop at one.
It's like falling off a horse.

You have to get straight
back in the saddle again.

I'd sooner dump the horse!

They're only doing
this Widow Winstanley thing to pull Norman Clegg's leg.

Audrey Winstanley is not one
for pulling any man's leg!

I bet Mr Winstanley
was more accustomed to making do with a handshake.

Why is it that marriage seems
to take all the excitement out of everything?

That's what it's for.

The best substitute for excitement
is uncertainty. Keep them guessing.

I kept mine on his toes.

He never knew where he was.

My Barry
couldn't do with uncertainty.

He works for a building society.

You've never lost a husband.

I've lost one. I don't intend
to go through that again.

It's most inconvenient trying
to remember what they've done that you can blame 'em for.

Why not just blame them anyway?

They're always feeling guilty about
something. They'll never notice.

Is that quite fair?

What's fair got to do with it,

when there's a husband to be trained
away from his natural tendencies

to revert back to being single?

Pay attention, truck!

This behaviour, not acceptable.

You get one more chance.

Don't mess with me, truck.
I order you, stop!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES

Agh!

I'm a better golfer now, Barry.
I've been practising.

You can't have improved
that much since yesterday.

Yesterday was a bad day.

All you have is bad days.

You can build
on that kind of consistency.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that it gets embarrassing

watching you digging
your own bunkers!

It's dangerous with a putter.

But I now know
where I've been going wrong.

I know where you're going wrong.

You went wrong here, here and here.

I said I was sorry. Ah!

What seems to be the trouble,
Mr Entwhistle?

No good truck. Very bad attitude.

He looks worse than truck!

His golf gets worse.

I can fix!

You can fix?

Tiger Woods calls me all the time
for alternative therapy.

You never heard?
It's new, I invent it.

How does it work?
You take mind from golf, forget it.

How can you forget
what's nagging at you?

You do something else. Then,
afterwards, golf much improved.

It really works?
Tiger Woods not doing bad.

What do you recommend I do
to take my mind off golf?

Mend truck.

I really think we've cracked it
this time.

You're a scheming little weasel.

I like it! Somebody comes,
we just pull down the visor.

"Am I safe," she asks herself,

"in the hands of this manipulator?"

With it down, we're invisible,
we can go anywhere!

Oh, Howard!

Will you still find me attractive
when I'm invisible?

If me visor steams up,
the answer's a yes!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello. Good day to you, Howard.
I represent Acme Double-glazing.

Have you considered the benefits
of fitting a heat-retaining device to that visor?

Have you ever
had to give the kiss of life?

Not in t'middle of a sandwich.

You think you could give
anybody the kiss of life?

Not anybody.

Me neither.

I lay awake sometimes at night
thinking, will tomorrow

be the day I have to give
some scruff the kiss of life?

What's the alternative?

I think
if they were really scruffy,

I'd use a straw.

Look at that.

That poor old lady.
He ought to be ashamed.

Come on, Cleggy, get thee coat on.

You seen anything
belonging to me lately?

Have we seen him?

Er, never exactly saw him.

Well, if you do see him, tell him I'm
at the poetry reading at the library.

You won't get Mr Clegg out.

He's trying to finish his memoirs
before his memory goes. Too late.

I can't even remember...

Audrey Needham.

Now the Widow Winstanley.

That's it!

Audrey Needham! Oh!

She's meeting Ivy at the cafe
if you want to meet her.

It all comes back to me now.

So get your coat on.

You can't stay in all day.

No, no, no, no, no.

I've got to get it all down now.

Last chance, Clegg...

before we have to take...measures.

What are you trying to do?
Kill the old lady?

You wouldn't treat
your wife like that.

She wouldn't let you.
You have to be firm.

Then what happens?

She still wouldn't let you.

Musical telegram for Mrs Winstanley
from Norman Clegg.

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year

Norman Clegg remembers
Audrey Needham

Has fond memories
of Audrey Needham

He wants to meet you
Audrey Needham

And invite you to tea

And liquorice too.

Now, can we all settle down,
please, everyone.

Husbands, boyfriends or brothers,

pleased to come in and just help,
that would be lovely. Ho, ho, ho!

Can anyone hide in...join in here?

Yes, of course, Mr Clegg.
Do sit down.

Now, for our first contribution,
we have Mr Ingleton.

And now Mr Ingleton is going
to read his own composition,

which is autobiographical.

I wrote it myself.

Mr Ingleton.

"Falling in love
is a youthful delight

"It starts
just before you leave school...

"It could even start sooner,

"if it weren't for the fact

"That you're frightened
of looking a fool

Then, hey presto,
there's a change

You begin to feel proud

Cos you've chosen a partner
and out of the crowd

Now you hold hands gently

To show that you care

And with a shy little kiss

You start an affair

Now the first time I fell in love

Could only be classed as superb

The second affair
was also quite nice

But the one I liked best
was the third

Although four, I were sure,

Would be top of the list

It was beaten
by five, six and seven

I thought eight was perfection
with all that I wished

Number nine must have dropped in
from heaven

And as the list grew bigger
it became just a habit

Any chance of a date
it couldn't wait, I'd just grab it

So I made up my mind
to be much more fastidious

And try to avoid
all the ones that were hideous

Then later when my age
was reaching the stage

Where the choice
had to be more elastic

They were wrinkled and agein'
their faces need cagin'

But to get one at all
was fantastic

Then common sense
showed me the way

Said I mustn't be greedy no more

Settle down with one only
then never feel lonely

With a wife
and some kids I'd adore

So I started to court an old hag

Cos I knew it was time
to get wed

But then when I asked it
she said I was past it

And made me get out of her bed

But I'm still trying hard
and nobody's barred

So I thought that I ought
just to mention

That with no luck so far
whoever you are

I've got a small house

And a pension!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Can you tell me why a policeman
in uniform buys a yo-yo?

She's tougher than she looks,
that old biddy.

You're not kidding.

Come on, Clegg,
tell us why you changed your mind.

Some woman on my doorstep.

Never!

I wonder how she got there.

I had to hide in the poetry group.

I've had this premonition all day.

Somebody
was going to burst into song.

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0