All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s22e08 A White Sweater and a Solicitors Letter.eng

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh!

By! It's a right bow, is that.

I bet tha could really
overcharge for a bow like that.

Make me an offer. If I do, I'm dead.

The wife wants a new table lamp.
Well, that's amazing!

Funnily enough, this bow comes
complete with a FREE table lamp.

That is amazing.
I think I'm being sucked in here.

Belonged to a champion archer.
Won all the competitions.

Accurate, is it? Accurate?

Huh! He used to post his letters
with it from his bedroom window,

AND they lived 300 yards
from the nearest postbox.

Did he wrap 'em round his arrows?

They were stamped with his address.
The postman delivered them back.

Crafty! Mm.

So how come
he's sold this amazing bow?

Arthritis. In his elbow.

Affected his aim. Shot a
traffic warden and had to flee from all the messages of congratulation.

Is it a good free table lamp?
The wife wants summat different.

Well, the difference is
you'll have your bow.

Tha can't argue with sound logic.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Whatever it is, forget it, Howard.

HE KNOCKS AGAIN

There's no-one at home.

This is a recording.

In fact, I've moved.

These premises are now occupied
by a clergyman

who has absolutely no time
for people who go sneaking around with people called Marina.

Keep your voice down.
I've scarcely heard of the lady.

Open up, Cleggy,
I've got something for you.

If you're coming in like that,
aren't you supposed to shout "fault" or something?

You caught me off balance.

You've been off balance
a long time, Howard.

I've brought this tennis racquet
for you, Cleggy,

as a token of my appreciation
for all your consistent and reliable refusals to help.

My pleasure, Howard.

And another pleasure is,
I don't play tennis.

I've seen what it does
to people's tempers.

I'm never going to be able
to play tennis

unless somebody who wants to play
tennis comes and calls for me.

No, Howard.

Just come to the door
swinging your racquet and looking like you're enjoying it.

One swing
and I'm gonna look like a player?

Well, you could wear
a white sweater.

I don't have a white sweater.

Everybody has a white sweater! I got
one once as a Christmas present.

I wouldn't be seen dead in it.
That sounds exactly right.

That's just what they wear
for tennis.

I think I should talk Smiler
into changing his image.

Uh-uh-uh! You wouldn't try conning
poor old Smiler.

Hey, come on. If anybody needs
a change of image...!

I bet he doesn't need
what you've talked him into.

Huh! I could transform his life.

He wants a companion
for his declining years.

He can have mine.

Do you deliver?

What's his address?

Having a bit of a ricket at home,
are we?

There's no reasoning with her.

Have you tried shouting? No good.

She's louder than me.

Ah, but does she know 40 ways
to survive in extreme conditions?

What's that got to do with it?

You once told me
that you knew 40 ways to survive in extreme conditions. So I did.

What's number 27?

I've got it written down somewhere.

40 ways to forget
in extreme conditions.

I bought her this lovely table lamp.
She hates it.

Bad sign, Billy, when they start
hating your table lamp.

She's hidden me new bow.

Not the pink one?
Oh, but you looked lovely with it(!)

Why don't you go and pester Smiler?

He wants a companion
in his declining years.

Yeah, and what does Truly want
in HIS declining years?

An extension.

Howard wants me to play tennis -
at least he wants me to LOOK like someone who plays tennis.

He wants me to wear a sweater.
You can do that.

Even YOU'RE athletic enough to wear
a sweater. Not the one I've got.

MECHANICAL BUZZING

What the chuff was that?

I don't know, but if they're out here
in any numbers, I'm off.

Sounded like the telephone voice of
the former Mrs Truelove - "eeowww"!

Did you see it? Isn't she great?

My radio-controlled, flying
model aircraft - have you seen it?

Seen it?

Huh! It went up his trousers,
down my jumper and under Truly's hat.

Well, I hope she's not damaged.

A caring person, that Barry(!)

He's not in.

I've got one here needs signing for.

William Simmonite Esquire.
William? That's his father.

It has to be signed for. When'll he
be in? You'll have to take it back.

He's no longer here.
Did he leave a forwarding address?

Well, there's still some argument
about that. He's dead.

Oh, that's awkward.
I expect he felt the same.

Er, is the letter important?

Well, I'm sure I don't go around
reading other people's mail,

but it's from Atkinson & Blank,
solicitors. A solicitor's letter!

Oh, it is important.
I could sign for it, if you wish, and make sure his son gets it.

His next of kin. That'll be OK.

It's the least you can do
for a solicitor's letter.

He's not had one of these
since he gave up poaching.

I wonder if somebody
reported his trousers.

Well, they've left it a bit late.

And he was never as bad
as he looked.

TENNIS BALL IS HIT

I can't get used to you
moving at that speed.

I think the only other time was
when you spilled hot tea down you.

Oh, it's fine, once you force
yourself through the pain barrier.

Ah, I'm just practising a few shots.

You'd be off like a shot
if you had to do any real sport.

I know what your idea of sport is.

How long have you been into tennis?

Ever since Norman Clegg
got me interested in it.

Norman Clegg plays tennis?
Oh, he's quite keen, is Cleggy.

What, OUR Norman Clegg?
The Norman Clegg who lives next door?

The one who'd be stiff all day
if he had to lick on a few stamps?

He's a fanatic.
We were talking only this morning.

I hate it when I know you're lying

and I can't quite
put my finger on it.

How's anybody supposed to tinker
with an engine this size?

Could I ask how long you've been
aeronautical, Barry, if it's not an infringement of your human rights?

It's a passion. Do they allow
passion at the building society?

Outside office hours,
as long as I'm not late for work.

Sounds like summat
the missus could have introduced.

Speaking of the missus,
I've gotta sort out a table lamp.

He's sulking because she confiscated
his longbow. And me arrows.

I've just finished decorating
me quiver. With forget-me-nots(?)

No, you barmpot, with
the words "death before dishonour".

The motto of the car boot salesman!

I think she needs beefing up.

I think she needs an early-warning
system. She nearly took my head off.

I tried to get her higher,
but she wouldn't go any higher.

I think the engine needs more power.
I've got no spanners to fit this.

What about your eyebrow tweezers?

Who let him in?

I always knew it -
you're a big-hammer merchant.

Comes to dainty - no chance.
Looks like you're grounded, Barry.

Oh, don't say that.
I have this urge to go higher.

Does our Glenda know?
Glenda doesn't approve. She thinks flying's dangerous.

The way you do it, it is.

Oh, yes, I was right, you see.
Oh, I never doubted it.

Atkinson & Blank, solicitors.
To William Simmonite Esquire.

Oh, it's bound to be trouble
if they're calling him Esquire.

Of course, I've told you this
in confidence. Oh, absolutely.

No reason everybody should know
he's getting solicitor's letters.

Hey-up, Tom. I hear thee dad's
got a solicitor's letter.

My dad? Nora Batty's got it.

A solicitor's letter! For my father?
Crafty old devil!

That's another one he's dodged.
What can it be?

Well, it's probably nothing.
50 years' overdue child maintenance.

Me mam never claimed any. You don't
think you're the only one, do you?

How do you think
he wore out his bicycle?

Well, whatever it is, as
next of kin, you'll be responsible.

Whatever it is, I wasn't anywhere
near at the time. No, of course not.

The court will take that into
consideration and we'll visit you.

Don't worry. Thanks(!)

Don't forget to write!

Uh-uh.

Hey, they were all
just talking about you.

Your dad's got a solicitor's letter.

Probably want to know why he didn't
accept a knighthood from the Queen.

Tom, you've got
a solicitor's letter.

He knows that.
Half the town knows that.

I'm sure I've no idea
who's been talking.

I bet you're famous
as far as Huddersfield.

And that's far enough for anybody.

I had to sign for it,
on account of its being important.

It is!

A solicitor's letter!

I should hope so
after all the advance publicity.

Well, get it open, lad. Do you think
I ought to open it now? In here?

Yes!

"Atkinson & Blank, solicitors."

Let's hope it's from Atkinson.
Blank doesn't sound too cheerful.

He never used to get letters
when he was alive.

It's a funny time for him
to start getting mail now.

Here. You read it, I daren't.

It's addressed
to William Simmonite Esquire.

Well, that's serious for a start.

It's got a very Old Bailey
sort of ring to it.

"From Messrs Atkinson & Blank,
solicitors.

"In the matter of James Birdwell,
deceased."

It's a murder charge!

"You are requested to call at this
office in regard to an outstanding item concerning his estate.

"Yours faithfully," etc, etc.

Who is he? Who WAS he?

James Birdwell?

Deceased.

I don't know a James Birdwell...
even when he was undeceased.

Birdie. It's Birdie the bookie!

Oh, Birdie the bookie! Oh, him!

"James Birdwell deceased.
Requested to call at this office.

"Outstanding item
concerning his estate."

Hellfire!
He's still after him for money.

Wouldn't you think all bets'd
be off once you're deceased?

What makes you think me father
owed him money?

Because he always owed him money.

To a bookie, your father was like
Santa coming down the chimney.

You must remember the man
had this big car to support.

Your father had the worst system
with horses since The Charge of the Light Brigade.

They say you can judge a horse
by looking it in the eye.

I think your father
was at the wrong end.

It's unfair they can still get you
when you're dead.

Vampires!

You never think of vampires
wearing loud check suits.

It's bad enough paying money to live
bookies. What's he gonna do with it?

It goes to his estate,
his survivors, his family...

his racing stables.

INTERCOM BUZZES

Mr Blank will see you now.
Oh, we were hoping for Atkinson.

This way, please.

Remember, you're pleading insanity.

Pretty convincingly, I always think.

If I'm not back in ten minutes,
come and get me.

Throw yourself on his mercy.

No, cancel that.

Better still,
throw yourself out of his window.

Remember, ten minutes.

Make that five.

MECHANICAL BUZZING

They will go on holiday
and pick up these foreign bugs.

Hey-up, he's left me dad a telly.

Good old Birdie! A colour telly.

All for being one of his oldest
clients. Not to mention daftest.

It's the first time he's ever won.

Hey, it's a good job
your father never spent any more,

or Mr Birdwell,
to show his gratitude, might have left you Mrs Birdwell!

We'll have to collect it. I won't lug
some huge telly through the streets.

It's at his house.

We'll borrow Wesley.

What about that, then -
good old Birdie!

You can't go in that condition.

You can't visit his widow's house
dressed like that.

Ask Clegg if he's got an old suit.
That's all I've got - old suits!

I'm glad I've caught you, Cleggy.

I wonder if you'd do me
a little favour.

Any more questions, Howard?

Come on, Cleggy.

This is ME, Howard - your neighbour.
I just want Pearl to see you looking as if you're interested in tennis.

Just a stroll round the yard,
swinging your racquet.

Come on, Cleggy,
I've given you the racquet.

And if you could just wear
a tennis-type sweater.

There are some things no man
should be asked to do, Howard.

I know what you mean. Auntie Gladys
knitted them for the whole family.

It was a weight hanging over you,
knowing she'd arrive at any minute.

They pretend they'll shrink, but
they never do. They just get bigger.

Tom can wear it. We need to smarten
him up. Why doesn't he wear it?

I could wear it.
I don't mind wearing it.

It'll do me psyche
a lot less damage than a suit.

I'd rather
Pearl saw Cleggy wearing it.

It's as close
as you're gonna get, Howard.

Everybody else has a mobile phone.

I have a talking letter box.

Ow!

She claims to be over-stressed.

In some of those blouses she wears,
she is!

Talk about Weightwatchers -
she lets everybody watch where she's got any weight.

And to think I've been living
with Sports Personality Of The Year!

How long has he been Mr Wimbledon?

Ever since Norman Clegg talked him
into it. Norman Clegg plays tennis?

That's what I said! It's like
seeing a nun on Rollerblades.

Ye gods! It's infectious.

They have to be sporting
to wear anything like that.

Try to look like you're enjoying it.
I look like an idiot! It suits you.

Some of our best friends are idiots.
ALL our best friends are idiots!

I see Pearl watching suspiciously.

I think that was your first
double fault right there, Howard.

Come on, then, let's get me telly.
Your father's hard-earned telly.

Didn't he ever pick a winner?

Fancied Nora Batty.
That should tell you summat.

I thought it was the horse that
was supposed to wear the blinkers.

If it turns nasty and anyone looks
for me, I'll be in Tom's sweater.

There's room for more than thee.

I thought it was only
the criminal classes that could afford housing of this standard.

Wesley! How do, May?
What's all this lot?

Circus in town, is it?

I've come for me telly, missus.

Will you be able to see it
through all that sweater?

You'll have to excuse him,
madam, he's an imbecile.

Well, he's in good company by t'look
of it. I told you. Wicked tongue.

Haven't you got something oily
you could be tinkering with?

Has it got Ceefax?

What he means is we're sorry
to intrude on such a sad occasion.

He's been dead nearly a year.

Mind you, you're right, it IS sad.

I never realised how much
I'd miss shouting at him.

What size telly is it?

My, my!
He's brokenhearted, isn't he(?)

It's a big one.
Go with your sweater.

It's not really MY sweater.
They've been smartening me up a bit.

This lot?

You think that was smart?

My Barry's taken up flying.

Only with little model aircraft.

I know, but where will it end?

I see him looking up at the moon
sometimes and I dread him becoming an astronaut.

I thought he was sick on buses?

Only if he's at the rear.

I used to know a flyer.

We know. You did your bit
for all three services.

I was collecting cap badges.

They were all the rage at the time.

Oh, I remember. You could get two
Royal Artillery for one Black Watch.

How do you know things like that?

I had a little brother.

I'm afraid I had no excuse
as convenient as that.

Mine's never shown the slightest
interest in model aircraft.

These things
need nipping in the bud.

That's true. Mine once came home
from the fairground with a goldfish.

Next thing we knew, we had a tank
the size of a dining-room table.

I always think when they start
with hobbies, it marks the end of your honeymoon period.

I never wanted my honeymoon to end.

She had a lovely sea view.

Drink your coffee.

If anything wants quickly ending,
it's the honeymoon period,

then you can get down to the
serious business of being married.

I think there should be a home
for unwanted husbands.

Well, you did your best.

Mine's taken up tennis. He's got
knees hardly fit enough for dominoes.

It's the waiting that gets you
when they've taken up flying.

How dangerous is tennis?

For him, VERY, if he's playing it
the way I think he's playing it.

Do you think your Barry's
really one for getting into danger?

It's not just one kind of danger.

If he starts flying, next thing you
know, he'll have some smart uniform

and he'll be covered
with air hostesses.

Your father's been
in transport all his life

and the only thing
he's been covered with is oil.

But who's the one who has the husband
who looks magnificent in uniform?

Does anyone know anyone
who wants to buy a fish tank?

Hey-up!

I know where this is going.

Oooh!

So that's what they're doing!
I thought it was wrestling.

So, I thought he should have
the telly.

He'll make the most of it.

Well done, that man.

Oh, Barry! I had an appointment here
for tennis. My partner's let me down.

Tennis? Out here?

He thought we ought to practise
away from prying eyes until we both improved our style.

Well, I'd give you a lift,
but I'm going flying.

I'm bored with tennis.

Why don't we go flying?

Should we stop, do you think?
Oh, Barry!

It depends on the strength
of the impulse.

So, you're a flyer. Tell me more.

I'd love to be carried
to dizzy heights.

I think Howard's following us
on a bicycle.

Howard who?

Oooh!

Eee! She's a...
she's a man's bow, is this.

Direct descendent of Robin Hood.

Are you sure it was Robin?

Are you sure it wasn't
Little Red Riding Hood?

Put the bow down, Billy.

While you're messing about with that,
something's probably eating Grandma.

I'll have it mastered in a minute.
Just you wait.

I'm on...top of this.

Woaaah!

PLANE WHINES

What a fabulous shot!

Direct descendent of Robin Hood.

Thanks, Wesley.

Well, she wanted summat different.

She's got you. I should have thought
that was different enough.

Anyone for tennis?

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BBC

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