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1
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DOOR HANDLE RATTLES
2
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:54,940
Has thou ever thought we should be
snatching at every golden moment?
3
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:59,760
You snatch at any golden moments
and you'll get one with this brush!
4
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,380
What about eloping?
5
00:01:02,380 --> 00:01:07,040
With you?! Of course. I'm not
acting agent with anybody else.
6
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:11,900
Who'd want to elope with you(?)
Where will you get a better offer?
7
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:15,140
Keep your distance!
All right, all right!
8
00:01:15,140 --> 00:01:19,640
But I still think we are missing
a golden moment.
9
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,020
Yes, well, I hope to miss many more.
10
00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:30,400
I don't know what you're sweeping
for with all them seagulls up there.
11
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,700
Seagulls?! Aye...
12
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,380
Beep-beep beep-beep!
13
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,660
What the Dickens are you doing?
14
00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:07,700
Ah! I was just showing Howard
a weevil.
15
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:11,360
He was, love.
He was showing me a weevil.
16
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,500
I thought you'd joined some cult.
17
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:17,840
Cleggy said come and look
at his weevil.
18
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,700
Ah. I wouldn't say it was MY weevil.
19
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:24,960
It's not a pet or anything.
I just saw it passing.
20
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,580
Oh! A passing weevil?
21
00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:33,420
It's just a little creepy thing.
I know the type.
22
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:38,100
I wouldn't call it creepy.
They're quite neat, really.
23
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:42,620
I think people, by and large,
underestimate weevils.
24
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:48,060
Your average human being
tends to be indifferent to weevils.
25
00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:56,760
Not really big on natural history,
your Pearl.
26
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,120
That's a fair description.
27
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,900
And I'll tell you another thing.
28
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:06,580
She thinks the only wildlife
I'm interested in is Marina.
29
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:09,620
I can see how she gets
that impression.
30
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:26,060
You'll need a knife with that.
I'll get you one.
31
00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:59,060
I'm sorry.
I didn't realise I was doing them.
32
00:04:00,820 --> 00:04:06,060
Yes, to use up every spare moment
keeping in peak, fighting trim,
33
00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:08,140
you know?
34
00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:11,480
You have to
when your life depends on it.
35
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,860
It becomes second nature.
36
00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:17,200
It's no good having these
lethal weapons
37
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,960
if you don't stay expert with them.
38
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,900
People sometimes ask me
39
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:28,040
how many times
these hands have killed.
40
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:33,460
Course,
I don't like talking about it.
41
00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:39,180
Mind you... Mind you,
there are places out east
42
00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:43,200
where the people still speak
in whispers
43
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,820
about the man with steel fingers.
44
00:04:47,140 --> 00:04:51,820
"Here he come," they say...
The natives - little brown fellows.
45
00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:57,500
"Here he come...
Man with steel finger."
46
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:01,520
They begged me to stay.
Tears in their eyes.
47
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,360
The chief offered me his daughter.
48
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,160
Lovely girl. Oh, beautiful girl.
49
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:13,960
But it would have meant
a life of ease and luxury, and that wasn't for me.
50
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,240
I was born for combat.
51
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,460
Oh!
52
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:35,840
Hands up who even knows
what a weevil looks like.
53
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,680
It's like a small ferret.
54
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,640
Not a weasel. A weevil!
55
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,500
You don't call them insects, do you?
56
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:49,520
You should have been in the jungle.
There's insects four foot long.
57
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,200
Oh, heck! Here we go again.
58
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,540
Spiders as big as a man's...
Gob! ..hand.
59
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:58,420
Personally, I still feel happier
60
00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:02,020
with a small, undramatic
Yorkshire weevil.
61
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,420
I don't want anything with fangs.
62
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:10,080
That reminds me - Nora Batty
were in a bad mood this morning.
63
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,700
Surprise, surprise(!)
64
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,160
DOOR OPENS
65
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,040
Eh up! How thou doing?
66
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,700
HE GROANS
67
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:33,380
Either come in or go out, but stop
interfering with my customers.
68
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:37,040
Interfere?! I've only just
come through the door!
69
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,900
It may come as a surprise to you,
70
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:45,260
but you have the ability to
interfere from a very long distance.
71
00:06:45,260 --> 00:06:50,560
How about that? You like that!
It's better than being ignored.
72
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,160
Fat chance anyone could ignore you!
73
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,560
Would it be three teas?
74
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,560
Ach! Decisions, decisions.
75
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,940
You're getting three teas.
76
00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:05,040
Three teas, thanks, Ivy.
That'll be fine. Creep!
77
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,960
That'll be fine for me too. Thanks.
78
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,880
Hey, what about a sticky bun?
79
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,800
How about paying for a sticky bun.
80
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,860
Ahem.
81
00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:20,360
It looks as though it's going to be
a bit of a problem.
82
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,280
Oh, get him a sticky bun.
83
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,360
Nice one, Smiler! He-hey!
84
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,520
Get them all a sticky bun.
85
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,380
That's very civil of you, Smiler.
86
00:07:31,380 --> 00:07:36,360
Father Christmas is alive and well
and sitting in Ivy's cafe.
87
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,380
Yeah!
88
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:41,020
Decisions, decisions, de...
89
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:45,440
You can have that, he can have this
and he can have that.
90
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,500
Any arguments?
91
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:51,460
No, no, no.
It's just what we wanted, Ivy.
92
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,160
De-de de-dee de de dee!
93
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,960
How thee doing there, Smiler?
94
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,300
HE MUMBLES DISGRUNTELDLY
95
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:14,820
Bachelor again, hey? Oooh!
HE MUMBLES DISGRUNTELDLY
96
00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:20,580
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about
it. He does want to talk about it.
97
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:25,160
Well, he's getting a good build-up.
It's to be hoped he does.
98
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,000
I don't mind talking about it.
99
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,700
Well, get on with it then!
100
00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:34,280
That's right,
pretend you're not interested(!)
101
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,280
It happened one night in bed.
102
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,180
I thought she were asleep.
103
00:08:45,940 --> 00:08:49,160
And, wallop! Right out of the blue.
104
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,480
"Do you love me?", she said.
105
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,640
What a terrible thing to say!
106
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,040
Poor old Smiler. Ye gods!
107
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:06,640
How are you gonna cope with
a low blow like that? Fancy asking anybody a question like that.
108
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,340
Let him get on with it.
109
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:13,300
How long had thee been married?
33 years.
110
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:18,900
And she asks you,
"Do you love me?" after 33 years?
111
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:23,940
Was she always that unreasonable
or was this some special occasion?
112
00:09:23,940 --> 00:09:27,260
Let him get on with it.
How did you respond?
113
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:30,780
What could you do?
I pretended to be asleep.
114
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,840
She forced the issue.
115
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,940
That's terrible.
116
00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:42,280
You mean...
You mean she asked you again?
117
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,440
Yeah - "Do you love me?"
118
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,420
I can't listen to this. Sit down!
119
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,100
Been married 33 years.
120
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:57,840
Been going through a bad patch.
For how long?
121
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,220
About 32 years.
122
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:06,360
It got worse
when the little dog died.
123
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:12,300
It was when the little dog died
we both realised we had nobody to talk to.
124
00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:19,100
"I'm going to Australia," she said,
"to my sister's."
125
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:23,680
So, we sold the house,
split the proceeds and off she went.
126
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,160
To Australia!
127
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,860
Well, you can't really stay at home
128
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:33,540
if you're going to ask questions
like, "Do you love me?"
129
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:38,920
You ask questions like that,
you deserve to go to Australia.
130
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,940
Where's thou living now, Smiler?
131
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:52,680
With me sister, temporarily,
but I am looking for decent digs.
132
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,980
There's my place.
133
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:01,500
Well, like I said, there's my place.
134
00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:07,760
Talk to thou-self, Compo.
Eh-up, Howard.
135
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,120
Eh-up, Howard.
136
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,620
Thou's looking teed off.
137
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:18,300
It's Marina.
Something terrible's happened.
138
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:22,580
I don't want to talk about it.
Come here!
139
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,100
Marina says I'm only
a part-time lover.
140
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:32,460
I think that's about the best
you're built for.
141
00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:36,820
Have you had a tiff?
It's more serious than that.
142
00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:40,020
She's reviewing
our whole relationship.
143
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:43,400
She says she wants something
more permanent.
144
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,340
Hasn't she got a little dog?
145
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,020
What does she expect you to do?
146
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:58,020
She wants a man around the house,
not sneaking about the countryside.
147
00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:01,460
But you like sneaking about
the countryside.
148
00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:05,560
I do. I love sneaking about
the countryside.
149
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,620
I thought she lived with her mother.
150
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:12,740
She does, but she still wants
a man about the house.
151
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:17,860
She wants a man about the house,
he's looking for digs.
152
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:22,700
I am. I am looking for digs.
That's it, then.
153
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:27,120
You keep away from her!
I'm just looking for digs!
154
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,260
Back! Howard, you calm yourself.
155
00:12:30,260 --> 00:12:35,040
Don't force me to do something deadly
with just the tip of my finger.
156
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,240
Just look at 'em.
157
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,500
How could anyone be jealous of them?
158
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:54,240
You know Howard - he's jealous
of anyone. He's an idiot.
159
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,940
Yeah, he's a jealous idiot.
160
00:12:56,940 --> 00:13:00,700
Life is simpler
without the opposite sex.
161
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:03,900
I was glad when my hormones
settled down
162
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:08,340
and I lost that excessive interest
in the opposite sex.
163
00:13:08,340 --> 00:13:11,600
I was relieved
when I woke up one morning
164
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
and decided I was middle-aged.
165
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,880
How long ago were that?
166
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,920
Well, I think I was 23 at the time.
167
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,120
COMPO CHUCKLES
168
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,980
With people like Nora Batty about
169
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:30,740
it's beyond me how anybody can lose
their interest in the opposite sex.
170
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:33,480
Listen to the unshaven
Barbara Cartland!
171
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,260
Listen, Margaret -
172
00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:40,000
when it comes to the opposite sex,
I am considered as the local expert.
173
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,840
I am going to give Howard a hand.
174
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,380
He has no idea.
175
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,440
Smiler, drink up. Good luck, lads.
176
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,160
That'll put a sparkle in your eye!
177
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,860
That's really cheered them up(!)
178
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:15,500
It'll be a wild session if they're
gonna get as giddy as that(!)
179
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:19,620
Come on, Smiler.
Look on the bright side.
180
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:24,100
How many men your age have the
advantage of a wife in Australia?
181
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:28,360
It were all right
while we had that little dog.
182
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,900
I miss that little dog.
183
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:34,240
You see?
Alone, desperate for a woman.
184
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,780
Is he a fit person to be a lodger?
185
00:14:36,780 --> 00:14:42,800
You're spilling your drink.
The thought of it makes you spill your drink.
186
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,880
Look at him! He's safe enough.
187
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,360
Still waters run deep.
188
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,580
Still, maybe, but that is stagnant.
189
00:14:57,580 --> 00:15:02,320
Thou's no idea, Howard. When it
comes to women, thou's a prawn.
190
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,940
I wouldn't say "prawn".
191
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:08,960
Don't be shy, Howard.
Come and join us prawns.
192
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,640
Put thou-self in my hands, Howard.
193
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,040
For what?
194
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,740
Good question.
195
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:19,940
Does thou want to win
Marina's undying affection?
196
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:23,440
Well, on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
anyway.
197
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:27,920
Right then -
pay attention to the expert.
198
00:15:30,773 --> 00:15:34,773
Women love it.
Marina will love it as well.
199
00:15:34,773 --> 00:15:40,533
She'll ride past, you'll ignore her.
She'll wonder what's hit her.
200
00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:45,773
You've got to play hard to get.
Then she'll be grateful to see you.
201
00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:48,153
On Tuesdays and Thursdays.
202
00:15:48,153 --> 00:15:51,453
Ignore her completely? Certainly.
203
00:15:51,453 --> 00:15:58,033
Couldn't I wave a bit? You know...
sort of cool but available.
204
00:15:58,033 --> 00:16:00,753
HE WHISTLES
205
00:16:03,453 --> 00:16:05,833
She's coming.
206
00:16:05,833 --> 00:16:10,833
It's up to thee if thee wants to
impress this woman. I do, I do.
207
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:16,213
Right - do it! Give her a filthy
look...and then you walk away.
208
00:16:26,113 --> 00:16:28,073
Howard!
209
00:16:30,693 --> 00:16:32,693
Howard?
210
00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:58,833
I never want to do that again.
211
00:16:58,833 --> 00:17:01,753
Suppose she never speaks to me again.
212
00:17:01,753 --> 00:17:04,413
Well, you've still got Pearl.
213
00:17:04,413 --> 00:17:07,133
That's a nasty thing to say.
214
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:11,233
Leave it to me, Howard.
Thou's got her worried.
215
00:17:11,233 --> 00:17:14,093
Next time, we'll go in for the kill.
216
00:17:14,093 --> 00:17:17,853
Next time?! I've got to do it again?
Of course.
217
00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:22,453
The next time, thou'll make her
realise how lucky she's been.
218
00:17:22,453 --> 00:17:27,753
Oh, listen to the expert(!)
Marjorie Proops in wellies!
219
00:17:47,053 --> 00:17:49,333
Howard!
220
00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:52,333
EGGSHELLS CRACK
221
00:18:05,473 --> 00:18:10,633
COMPO CHUCKLES
222
00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:12,913
He-he-hey!
223
00:18:21,973 --> 00:18:26,313
I like it,
organising people's love lives.
224
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:29,433
You can't even organise your own.
225
00:18:29,433 --> 00:18:32,573
Your women were always tattooed.
226
00:18:32,573 --> 00:18:36,853
Not everywhere.
Don't go into details!
227
00:18:36,853 --> 00:18:42,053
Not little butterflies. His women
were covered in snakes and daggers.
228
00:18:42,053 --> 00:18:46,493
Listen, Penelope,
when it comes to tactics with women,
229
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:50,253
I am known as the Ace Kid,
Number One.
230
00:18:51,813 --> 00:18:56,253
And what is the Ace Kid, Number One
planning next?
231
00:18:56,253 --> 00:19:00,933
Got to find some digs for Smiler
with a certain lady friend of ours.
232
00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:05,513
Marina? Certainly. Why not?
Howard's gonna kill you!
233
00:19:05,513 --> 00:19:08,213
It's Howard I'm doing it for.
234
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,253
Two weeks around the house
with Smiler,
235
00:19:11,253 --> 00:19:16,173
Marina's gonna have second thoughts
about having a man about the house.
236
00:19:16,173 --> 00:19:21,253
You shouldn't interfere.
No good comes of interfering.
237
00:19:21,253 --> 00:19:23,873
Hark who's talking!
238
00:19:23,873 --> 00:19:29,133
It's true. You can't interfere
in people's love lives.
239
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:31,753
Cemeteries are filled with people
240
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:35,353
who interfered in
people's love lives.
241
00:19:35,353 --> 00:19:39,793
People think it was the Black Death
that swept Europe.
242
00:19:39,793 --> 00:19:45,113
But actually, it was people
interfering in people's love lives.
243
00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:51,373
I'm not interfering.
244
00:19:51,373 --> 00:19:56,593
I am just giving him the benefit
of my advice and experience.
245
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:01,173
Oh, lucky him(!)
246
00:20:04,573 --> 00:20:07,233
There's something going on.
247
00:20:07,233 --> 00:20:09,873
There's always something going on.
248
00:20:09,873 --> 00:20:16,053
If there's one thing you can rely on
with them three, it's that something's going on.
249
00:20:16,053 --> 00:20:18,593
I know, but this is extra,
250
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:23,253
involving Howard and that,
you know that one they call Smiler.
251
00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:25,793
Smiler? Yeah.
252
00:20:25,793 --> 00:20:30,453
Is he the long, thin one
with the face like a bad knee?
253
00:20:30,453 --> 00:20:33,073
Yes, that's the one.
254
00:20:33,073 --> 00:20:38,693
He seems a sensible sort of person
to be mixed up with them three.
255
00:20:38,693 --> 00:20:41,313
Well, he won't be for long.
256
00:20:44,093 --> 00:20:46,853
It sounds all right to me.
257
00:20:46,853 --> 00:20:49,573
Well, it doesn't to me! Sit down!
258
00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:54,173
Leave it to me.
It's all part of the plan.
259
00:20:55,833 --> 00:21:01,933
I don't think much of a plan
like that. Why should I help him become Marina's lodger?
260
00:21:01,933 --> 00:21:05,593
He won't be seeing her.
She lives with her mother!
261
00:21:05,593 --> 00:21:08,353
It sounds like a daft plan to me,
262
00:21:08,353 --> 00:21:12,033
letting some stranger finish up
as Marina's lodger.
263
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:14,973
I'm not a stranger.
You are to Marina.
264
00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:17,753
Well, he won't be for long, will he?
265
00:21:17,753 --> 00:21:21,353
That's what I'm worried about.
Listen...
266
00:21:21,353 --> 00:21:25,393
He's not exactly life and soul
of the party!
267
00:21:25,393 --> 00:21:30,733
Two weeks closeted with him, she'll
think you look like Burt Reynolds.
268
00:21:32,613 --> 00:21:35,433
Well, a shorter Burt Reynolds!
269
00:21:35,433 --> 00:21:39,873
What do you mean, I'm not
the life and soul of the party?
270
00:21:39,873 --> 00:21:43,873
I'd drop that line of inquiry
if I were you.
271
00:21:43,873 --> 00:21:47,153
I'll have you know
I can do comic recitations.
272
00:21:48,313 --> 00:21:51,093
No wonder she went to Australia!
273
00:21:51,093 --> 00:21:55,093
Comic recitations -
it makes the blood freeze.
274
00:21:55,093 --> 00:21:58,913
You see?
He's going to be entertaining her.
275
00:21:58,913 --> 00:22:01,293
Relax, Howard.
276
00:22:01,293 --> 00:22:04,673
He'll be there
and I'll be at home...with Pearl.
277
00:22:04,673 --> 00:22:06,913
And he'll be there with Marina.
278
00:22:06,913 --> 00:22:10,133
But... He'll have
all the opportunity.
279
00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:12,453
But listen...
280
00:22:12,453 --> 00:22:17,493
When the novelty wears off, she'll
be plead to have a word with thee.
281
00:22:17,493 --> 00:22:23,013
What novelty? I don't want him
becoming a novelty for Marina.
282
00:22:28,173 --> 00:22:31,333
Didn't his wife leave him?
283
00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:34,333
Went to Australia.
284
00:22:34,333 --> 00:22:37,633
Ooh, the pour soul.
285
00:22:37,633 --> 00:22:40,793
They say she was driven.
286
00:22:41,913 --> 00:22:44,693
She must have been weak.
287
00:22:44,693 --> 00:22:50,053
They say he never smiled once
at her in 30 years.
288
00:22:50,053 --> 00:22:55,333
Oh, she was that sort, was she?
Always had to be giggling?
289
00:23:05,673 --> 00:23:08,913
One cup of coffee. No sugar.
290
00:23:10,693 --> 00:23:15,813
There's nothing more unsightly
than the ravages of sweetness.
291
00:23:15,813 --> 00:23:18,473
I wouldn't know about that.
292
00:23:18,473 --> 00:23:21,113
I can see that.
293
00:23:22,713 --> 00:23:25,333
Emotional problems.
294
00:23:25,333 --> 00:23:29,393
Something us YOUNGER women
have to suffer.
295
00:23:35,393 --> 00:23:41,413
Don't worry, Howard. I'm offering
thee long-term happiness on a plate.
296
00:23:41,413 --> 00:23:44,033
But I don't mind long-term happiness.
297
00:23:44,033 --> 00:23:47,253
I just don't want him
lodging with Marina.
298
00:23:47,253 --> 00:23:51,973
He'll get it wrong, you know. I
wouldn't put my affairs in his hands.
299
00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:54,613
If you'd come to me years ago,
300
00:23:54,613 --> 00:23:58,653
thy could have had a love life
second to none.
301
00:23:58,653 --> 00:24:03,353
Well, I hated having a love life.
I never knew what to wear.
302
00:24:06,013 --> 00:24:08,273
Marina! Marina!
303
00:24:08,273 --> 00:24:10,413
Marina...!
304
00:24:16,373 --> 00:24:18,973
What was all that in aid of?!
305
00:24:18,973 --> 00:24:21,673
I told you they were weird.
306
00:24:21,673 --> 00:24:24,273
I know they're weird.
307
00:24:24,273 --> 00:24:26,993
But that was extra-weird.
308
00:24:28,173 --> 00:24:31,333
It's something to do with her.
309
00:24:34,173 --> 00:24:36,813
Wrong, Howard.
310
00:24:36,813 --> 00:24:41,413
Bad move. That's gonna blow
this thing before we've started.
311
00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:46,613
I... Stick with me. Thou's in for
some grand Tuesdays and Thursdays.
312
00:24:46,613 --> 00:24:50,873
All I've got to do is fix Smiler up
with some lodgings.
313
00:24:50,873 --> 00:24:53,473
Not too expensive.
314
00:24:53,473 --> 00:24:58,533
The wife's in Australia -
don't push your luck.
315
00:24:58,533 --> 00:25:02,033
How are you going to get him digs
with Marina?
316
00:25:02,033 --> 00:25:05,373
By the sheer magic
of my electric personality.
317
00:25:05,373 --> 00:25:07,993
I am going to get her sympathy.
318
00:25:07,993 --> 00:25:12,973
I am going to make such a pathetic
case on behalf of this lad here,
319
00:25:12,973 --> 00:25:16,273
she will not be able to resist.
320
00:25:16,273 --> 00:25:20,613
Electric personality?
This should be worth watching.
321
00:25:20,613 --> 00:25:23,453
Stick around. You may learn summat.
322
00:25:23,453 --> 00:25:26,653
He's getting unbearable.
323
00:25:26,653 --> 00:25:29,613
No good will come of this.
324
00:25:44,513 --> 00:25:49,813
He's always up to something if he
ignores me. They're up to something.
325
00:25:49,813 --> 00:25:54,353
I know.
They're definitely up to something.
326
00:25:54,353 --> 00:25:56,733
It's no good.
327
00:25:56,733 --> 00:26:01,713
I can't listen to it any longer.
It's just no good.
328
00:26:01,713 --> 00:26:04,533
Five teas, Ivy.
329
00:26:04,533 --> 00:26:07,093
What's no good?
330
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:11,513
It's heartbreaking.
331
00:26:11,513 --> 00:26:16,253
There must be a limit to how long
a fella can listen to sad stories.
332
00:26:16,253 --> 00:26:18,953
What sad story? His.
333
00:26:18,953 --> 00:26:21,473
Poor old Smiler's.
334
00:26:23,973 --> 00:26:29,353
His dog died, his wife left him.
Now he's staying with his sister.
335
00:26:31,273 --> 00:26:34,053
All alone. Very sensitive.
336
00:26:34,053 --> 00:26:38,813
He knows they don't want him.
He feels out of it. It's very sad.
337
00:26:38,813 --> 00:26:43,173
This... This fella is very good
around the house.
338
00:26:43,173 --> 00:26:47,953
I mean, he'd be a great asset
to an establishment.
339
00:26:49,033 --> 00:26:51,813
But can he find any lodging, hey?
340
00:26:51,813 --> 00:26:56,413
Not on your nelly.
He could end up homeless.
341
00:26:56,413 --> 00:26:58,673
He's living with his sister.
342
00:26:58,673 --> 00:27:01,213
Only temporar... Only tempor...
343
00:27:01,213 --> 00:27:05,733
Only for a little while.
She wants him out.
344
00:27:05,733 --> 00:27:08,433
He could finish up on the streets.
345
00:27:08,433 --> 00:27:13,493
Imagine...him...at his age...
with a delicate chest...
346
00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:17,673
..in the street.
347
00:27:18,813 --> 00:27:22,193
I know all about delicate chests.
348
00:27:22,193 --> 00:27:25,213
Well, you would, wouldn't you?
349
00:27:25,213 --> 00:27:28,333
I'd have him at my place in a flash,
350
00:27:28,333 --> 00:27:31,273
if you'll pardon the expression.
351
00:27:31,273 --> 00:27:33,873
But he's allergic to ferrets.
352
00:27:33,873 --> 00:27:39,313
I mean, look at him. Have you ever
seen anything as pathetic as that?
353
00:27:39,313 --> 00:27:43,713
But I'm sure there must be
somebody in this town
354
00:27:43,713 --> 00:27:48,693
who's prepared to put a roof
over this lad's head.
355
00:27:48,693 --> 00:27:51,913
Bit over the top, do you think?
356
00:27:51,913 --> 00:27:54,413
Way over the top.
357
00:27:54,413 --> 00:27:57,213
He needs a roof over his head?
358
00:28:01,373 --> 00:28:03,853
Before winter comes.
359
00:28:17,933 --> 00:28:22,213
You certainly helped Smiler.
I did! I helped him.
360
00:28:23,313 --> 00:28:26,673
Yes, I think we all learned
something today.
361
00:28:26,673 --> 00:28:31,333
You said you'd get him digs,
and digs you got him.
362
00:28:40,653 --> 00:28:43,613
Did you see that? She smiled at him.
363
00:29:33,593 --> 00:29:37,793
Subtitles by Ed Newton
BBC Broadcast - 2004
364
00:29:37,843 --> 00:29:42,393
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