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1
00:00:15,422 --> 00:00:23,168
What time do you call this?
Time tha' come up here and carried me off to paradise!
2
00:00:23,168 --> 00:00:26,551
You want carrying off somewhere(!)
3
00:00:26,551 --> 00:00:34,757
It's midsummer, lass! Don't thee
ever wake up in the morning with all tha hormones tingling?
4
00:00:34,757 --> 00:00:38,900
Yours wouldn't tingle so much
if you got up earlier.
5
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:44,565
Oh, 'eck! Don't you think of
anything but washing and cleaning?
6
00:00:44,565 --> 00:00:47,647
Tha's got yourself into a rut,
tha' knows.
7
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:55,933
Tha' wants to wake up one morning,
pop up here and give tha' scruffy little friend a great big cuddle!
8
00:00:55,933 --> 00:01:03,219
Oh, close your window!
I shouldn't be standing here talking to raggy underwear.
9
00:01:03,219 --> 00:01:10,084
I'd get meself some new underwear,
providing thee did the same.
10
00:01:10,084 --> 00:01:14,428
I WON'T have you talking
about my underwear!
11
00:01:14,428 --> 00:01:18,871
They're not much to talk about,
are they?
12
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:23,295
A bloke won't get much of a tingle
out of a pair o' them!
13
00:01:31,021 --> 00:01:34,984
'Morning, Howard.
'Morning, Cleggie.
14
00:01:39,727 --> 00:01:44,711
I've been meaning to ask you,
Cleggie. Did your wife ever...
15
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:54,119
..have an unsightly mole with
a hair in it? I can't remember. I was never any good at detail.
16
00:01:54,119 --> 00:02:01,725
Well, I can't be sure, but I'm
wondering if Pearl's growing an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
17
00:02:01,725 --> 00:02:06,688
Why can't you be sure? Well,
you can't without looking closely.
18
00:02:06,688 --> 00:02:11,752
And you know Pearl. I could get
mauled to death for looking closely.
19
00:02:11,752 --> 00:02:18,698
She's easier with other people.
I wondered if you'd have a look sometime.
20
00:02:19,979 --> 00:02:24,042
Where is it, Howard?
Under her chin.
21
00:02:24,042 --> 00:02:30,987
Well, thanks all the same,
but I'm the wrong age for looking closely at people.
22
00:02:34,750 --> 00:02:40,695
A frenzy of human activity(!)
We were just chatting.
23
00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:46,119
You could talk to me.
I DO talk to you!
24
00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:52,064
Oh, yes. "Where's me pullover?"
"I can't find me socks."
25
00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:59,009
"Pearl, would you
have a look at this? I think it's going septic."
26
00:03:02,332 --> 00:03:07,295
What are you looking at?!
Get away, you barmy devils!
27
00:03:12,319 --> 00:03:15,302
BIRDSONG
28
00:03:24,449 --> 00:03:30,754
Howard's wondering if Pearl
has got an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
29
00:03:34,336 --> 00:03:41,282
I'd have thought he'd be in
a relatively good position to know. Well, he says not.
30
00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:54,612
I had a bird once called Thelma.
She had an unsightly mole with a hair in it.
31
00:03:56,474 --> 00:04:00,457
Somehow I find that
very believable.
32
00:04:03,699 --> 00:04:10,745
Nobody could call her handsome.
But she could fry chips like nobody else since.
33
00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:14,788
She could do magical things
with chips.
34
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:21,853
The way they disappear down
your throat, the same thing could be said about you.
35
00:04:21,853 --> 00:04:28,899
Of course, in those days,
your fried chip wasn't seen as the lethal enemy it is now.
36
00:04:28,899 --> 00:04:36,845
There are people about who think
one chip and it's... IMITATES DEATH-RATTLE
37
00:04:41,909 --> 00:04:44,891
Anybody 'ungry?
38
00:04:56,720 --> 00:05:01,764
Well, that's your fault. Put me
well over budget this week.
39
00:05:01,764 --> 00:05:03,826
Aw (!)
40
00:05:03,826 --> 00:05:08,670
Not bad chips, Ivy.
What do you mean, not bad?
41
00:05:08,670 --> 00:05:15,715
What's wrong with me chips?
I said, "Not bad chips"! They're GOOD chips!
42
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:20,699
You come in, rubbishing me chips.
I won't say a word in future!
43
00:05:20,699 --> 00:05:24,702
Can we have that in writing?
44
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:54,766
What we could do this pm
is go to the garden party. Are we going to the garden party?
45
00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:57,848
I might look in at it.
46
00:05:57,848 --> 00:06:05,114
I hate being there when
they're judging Nora Batty's buns. The tension is unbearable.
47
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:10,698
She'll be in a good mood, though,
if she wins. I can work on that.
48
00:06:10,698 --> 00:06:17,263
What's the attraction this year?
Same as usual - Nora Batty!
49
00:06:17,263 --> 00:06:21,326
No, I mean what is the professional
main attraction?
50
00:06:21,326 --> 00:06:26,350
Well, it's on all the posters.
Captain Zero, the Human Cannonball.
51
00:06:26,350 --> 00:06:32,095
What a way to earn a living!
He must be a right pillock!
52
00:06:41,622 --> 00:06:44,744
Goodbye, Howard!
53
00:06:44,744 --> 00:06:49,708
If you're going to shout
in the street, the name's Eric!
54
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:59,936
He's faster than Captain Zero!
55
00:06:59,936 --> 00:07:06,321
I wonder what Captain Zero's like?
He's ninepence to the shilling.
56
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:16,969
Oh, no. I think a man who
dices with danger on a daily basis must have a certain nobility.
57
00:07:59,222 --> 00:08:06,788
Einstein said when two bodies are
moving in space... I really fancy Chalkie's Girl in the 3.30.
58
00:08:06,788 --> 00:08:14,334
I think one morning
we ought to go on a route-march. I miss the old route-marches.
59
00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:19,478
We could put heavy packs on our
backs and have a really good time.
60
00:08:19,478 --> 00:08:28,004
You're not interested in Einstein?
I really do fancy Chalkie's Girl. There's nothing like the afterglow.
61
00:08:28,004 --> 00:08:36,090
That's more or less what Einstein
said. When two bodies are moving in space... Hey, up!
62
00:08:36,090 --> 00:08:39,033
Who's this Herbert?
63
00:08:44,877 --> 00:08:49,981
So there IS life in these parts!
Ooh, am I glad to see you.
64
00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:55,045
Oh, dear, I'm knackered. The van's
knackered and I'm due to perform.
65
00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:58,608
I'm Captain Zero.
66
00:08:59,749 --> 00:09:01,290
Oh!
67
00:09:02,331 --> 00:09:05,894
The Human Cannonball.
68
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:10,817
Why does everybody do that?
People always do that.
69
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:15,261
I should think so!
Why don't you use your real name?
70
00:09:15,261 --> 00:09:18,463
Who's he? Somebody's agent?
71
00:09:18,463 --> 00:09:24,148
What IS your real name?
..Clutterbuck.
72
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:31,353
That explains it! Tha' doesn't look
much of a Captain Zero to me!
73
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:35,377
Listen, I can't stand around
all day raising laughs.
74
00:09:35,377 --> 00:09:39,920
I'm broken down. Can you direct me
to the nearest telephone?
75
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:44,744
Broken down? How far?
All the way broken down. Stopped!
76
00:09:44,744 --> 00:09:51,569
That's really broken down! Sounds
to me like HE'S broken down!
77
00:09:51,569 --> 00:09:57,474
It never fails. I have this gift
in emergencies of finding comedians.
78
00:09:57,474 --> 00:10:04,559
This is your lucky day!
You have stumbled across former Corporal Dewhurst.
79
00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:11,505
Where is your vehicle?
About half a mile down the road. Come along. I'll take a look at it.
80
00:10:13,826 --> 00:10:18,270
Is he any good? Tell him.
Rubbish!
81
00:10:20,732 --> 00:10:23,692
Oh, great(!)
82
00:10:27,515 --> 00:10:30,577
Tha' secret's safe with us, Howard!
83
00:10:30,577 --> 00:10:35,421
HOWARD:
Who's that with you? Captain Zero.
84
00:10:35,421 --> 00:10:39,444
CHUCKLES
The Human Cannonball!
85
00:10:39,444 --> 00:10:43,427
LOUD GUFFAWS
86
00:10:48,091 --> 00:10:50,693
Try it now.
87
00:10:50,693 --> 00:10:54,696
ENGINE LABOURS BUT FAILS TO IGNITE
88
00:10:58,299 --> 00:11:02,362
Try it again.
DRY RASPING
89
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:06,866
What did I tell thee?
A right pillock!
90
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:13,891
I like him. You've got to have
a bit of sympathy for anybody who's relying on Foggy.
91
00:11:13,891 --> 00:11:19,616
Ye-es. Well, I can see what it is.
What?
92
00:11:19,616 --> 00:11:22,638
You've broken down.
93
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:32,305
C-Can't you do anything at ALL?
Don't go to pieces, man. Of course we can do something.
94
00:11:32,305 --> 00:11:36,288
We can direct you
to the nearest telephone.
95
00:11:49,299 --> 00:11:51,941
Hey, up, Eli!
96
00:11:51,941 --> 00:11:54,483
How do, lads!
97
00:11:57,985 --> 00:11:59,967
Whoops!
98
00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:05,231
Come back here!
99
00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:10,055
Hello, lads!
100
00:12:10,055 --> 00:12:16,540
How do, Eli!
Who's that wi' you? Captain Zero.
101
00:12:19,742 --> 00:12:22,544
The Human Cannonball!
102
00:12:27,648 --> 00:12:31,611
There's always some damn fool
living dangerously!
103
00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:49,165
- He hasn't turned up yet, then?
- Who? - The Human Cannonball.
104
00:12:49,165 --> 00:12:53,769
He never turned up for me either.
All I got were a squib.
105
00:12:53,769 --> 00:12:57,812
I wouldn't mind,
but he keeps going off!
106
00:12:57,812 --> 00:13:01,355
Can I...?
No!
107
00:13:01,355 --> 00:13:03,977
What did me father want?
108
00:13:03,977 --> 00:13:10,502
I don't know. But if I give in this
early, it's going to be a long day.
109
00:13:10,502 --> 00:13:15,465
Is he married, I wonder? Fancy
being married to a human cannonball.
110
00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:19,829
He must be continually scorched
round the edges.
111
00:13:19,829 --> 00:13:27,175
Every time there was a bang,
you wouldn't dare duck in case your 'usband was passing!
112
00:13:27,175 --> 00:13:32,399
If there's one thing men enjoy,
it's making an exhibition.
113
00:13:32,399 --> 00:13:37,162
They can't sit and knit.
They have to go and scale Everest.
114
00:13:37,162 --> 00:13:41,205
Mine's always
on the North Side of trouble!
115
00:13:41,205 --> 00:13:48,271
I mean, how could you tell anybody
your 'usband was a cannonball? I think I'd lie.
116
00:13:48,271 --> 00:13:55,096
Oh, it wouldn't be a lie
in that case. You can claim self-defence.
117
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:06,945
Your friend, Wesley Pegden's
picking us up. Right. Let's get comfy.
118
00:14:32,222 --> 00:14:34,203
STOP !
119
00:14:34,864 --> 00:14:40,908
Where do you think you're going?
To rescue Captain Zero. He's broken down.
120
00:14:40,908 --> 00:14:45,472
What's wrong?
The Human Cannonball's broken down! Ohh!
121
00:14:45,472 --> 00:14:52,197
Doesn't surprise me.
Men always have more ambition than aptitude.
122
00:14:52,197 --> 00:14:57,782
^
It's Nature's way of getting 'em out from under the feet of busy women.
123
00:14:57,782 --> 00:15:04,086
Go and fetch 'im, then. And don't be
long and don't get your shirt dirty.
124
00:15:04,086 --> 00:15:12,193
He's a terrible dud to be sending.
Dad's good with engines. It's his judgement that's lacking.
125
00:15:12,193 --> 00:15:19,238
- They have a great bad judgement.
- As if they'd learned it at school.
126
00:15:19,238 --> 00:15:23,542
I find it best not to listen.
What?
127
00:15:23,542 --> 00:15:26,564
That's it! You've got it!
128
00:15:33,169 --> 00:15:37,993
We'll have another? Another?!
You heard him. Don't interfere!
129
00:15:37,993 --> 00:15:45,018
Shouldn't you keep a clear head
for your sort of game? For being shot out of a cannon?
130
00:15:45,018 --> 00:15:50,783
It helps if you're smashed
out of your brain. I can see that!
131
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:56,347
I'm not going in that cannon
without a touch of... Insanity?
132
00:15:56,347 --> 00:15:58,969
Chemical support.
133
00:16:03,232 --> 00:16:09,077
I think that's very irresponsible.
Ammunition and alcohol don't mix.
134
00:16:09,077 --> 00:16:15,522
Mind you, all he's got to do is
hit the net. Any fool can do THAT.
135
00:16:15,522 --> 00:16:19,565
It's not like picking off
a camouflaged Jap at half a mile.
136
00:16:19,565 --> 00:16:24,589
Tha's never had owt more lethal
than a pen-nib.
137
00:16:24,589 --> 00:16:28,132
A really sharp pen-nib.
138
00:16:33,476 --> 00:16:36,458
Should've had me Land-rover!
139
00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:45,325
You 'ave to keep your elbows in.
140
00:16:45,325 --> 00:16:52,070
And just before you land,
preferably in the net,
141
00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:56,414
you 'ave to make yourself
as small as possible.
142
00:16:56,414 --> 00:17:00,077
Oh, yes, but isn't it dangerous?
143
00:17:00,077 --> 00:17:05,080
They all say that.
It's very like paratroop training.
144
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:11,605
SLURRED:
What 'appens if you miss the net?
145
00:17:14,027 --> 00:17:18,411
I find the best plan
is to start screaming.
146
00:17:19,351 --> 00:17:22,894
Now THAT basically is the position.
147
00:17:22,894 --> 00:17:28,338
Try it. It's second nature to me
after dropping out of aeroplanes.
148
00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:34,383
Tha's never BEEN in an aeroplane!
..Norman, what's up?
149
00:17:34,383 --> 00:17:40,728
It's h-high. ..The table.
I never realised it was so high!
150
00:17:40,728 --> 00:17:43,050
Elbows in!
151
00:17:44,171 --> 00:17:47,974
And landing positions!
152
00:17:47,974 --> 00:17:50,876
What the chuff is this, then?!
153
00:17:50,876 --> 00:17:53,678
OUT ! NOW !
154
00:17:53,678 --> 00:17:56,640
I've got no licence for upstairs!
155
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:05,187
Do you think somebody could give me
a hand down? I-I wouldn't ask except I NEED a h-hand down!
156
00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:21,700
It's so humiliating. I've never
been thrown out of a pub before. Just keep t'elbows in!
157
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,202
How I kept me hands off him...!
158
00:18:24,202 --> 00:18:28,645
Probably because you ran away.
That must have helped.
159
00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:32,969
Well, I had to.
Otherwise I could have killed him.
160
00:18:32,969 --> 00:18:41,475
If we could get her up to the top
of the hill, we could run her down and she'd start. How far to the top?
161
00:18:41,475 --> 00:18:46,219
About 100 yards.
And how far have we gone?
162
00:18:46,219 --> 00:18:48,561
About 1� foot.
163
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:53,605
Couldn't we try something else -
like packing it in?
164
00:18:55,146 --> 00:18:58,669
Oh, don't do that! DON'T do that!
165
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:02,752
We're getting nowhere!
166
00:19:02,752 --> 00:19:11,038
Nora Batty's for getting nowhere.
Not tatty old vans! Thanks (!) It's the weight of the cannon.
167
00:19:11,038 --> 00:19:18,064
If we unhooked the cannon,
then push-started the van, we could come back for the cannon.
168
00:19:18,064 --> 00:19:22,247
Just when you think
he's a total wally...!
169
00:19:42,423 --> 00:19:44,985
Nearly there.
170
00:19:46,125 --> 00:19:51,470
He likes his pop. I should think so
in his profession.
171
00:20:02,478 --> 00:20:05,481
Stand by to jump in!
172
00:20:07,442 --> 00:20:10,424
JUMP IN !
173
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:16,209
Here we go, then!
174
00:20:25,716 --> 00:20:29,940
I think we'd better wait
for your friend Wesley Pegden.
175
00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:35,864
That's right.
Make yourselves comfortable.
176
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:51,656
Have you seen the Human Cannonball?
177
00:20:54,258 --> 00:20:58,242
I think that's this lady's
business, don't you?
178
00:21:10,831 --> 00:21:17,476
Don't you ever think about it?
Sometimes. You should.
179
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:25,543
What's your reaction going to be
when we walk into a situation where there's a gun pointing at us?
180
00:21:52,163 --> 00:21:57,227
I fly through the air
with the greatest of ease
181
00:21:57,227 --> 00:22:01,451
With me elbows well in
and me hands on me knees
182
00:22:01,451 --> 00:22:06,334
I fly through the air
and I land in the net
183
00:22:06,334 --> 00:22:10,297
I might, pray, be dead
but I haven't done...
184
00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:24,208
Kindly don't touch the cannon!
185
00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:31,394
Are you the driver of this van?
Oh, aye!
186
00:22:33,095 --> 00:22:38,119
I suppose you're wondering
who I am. I'm sure you'll tell us.
187
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,101
I'm Captain Zero.
188
00:22:42,923 --> 00:22:45,885
The Human Cannonball.
189
00:22:49,388 --> 00:22:52,871
And we're Puff the Magic Dragon!
190
00:23:00,056 --> 00:23:05,020
BAND PLAYS:
"John Brown's Body"
191
00:23:11,425 --> 00:23:16,509
They'll turn him loose once he's
had a blood test and sobered up.
192
00:23:16,509 --> 00:23:25,476
You just keep things going till
then. If the crowd thinks he's not coming, they'll leave. And I will !
193
00:23:25,476 --> 00:23:28,558
Oh, no, you're not going to leave.
194
00:23:28,558 --> 00:23:35,584
You must mingle with the crowd
and give the impression Captain Zero's already arrived.
195
00:23:35,584 --> 00:23:40,628
It's a piece of cake. You just have
to swagger about among the ladies.
196
00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:44,611
You get all the glory
and none of the danger.
197
00:23:47,353 --> 00:23:50,355
All the glory? Absolutely.
198
00:23:51,736 --> 00:23:59,262
None of the danger? Oh, there's
no danger. Not unless you get ravished by adoring female fans.
199
00:24:04,506 --> 00:24:11,512
Ooh, Norm, I'm going to like this!
You little devil, you! You were born for showbiz, eh?
200
00:24:11,512 --> 00:24:15,595
No question about it!
I'm going to like it!
201
00:24:15,595 --> 00:24:23,861
Pull your goggles down and pretend
to be the Human Cannonball. The rather mental Human Cannonball!
202
00:24:24,722 --> 00:24:28,945
Oh, yes! I'm going to LIKE this!
203
00:24:57,167 --> 00:24:59,169
Oh! Ooh!
204
00:25:08,696 --> 00:25:15,061
He's making a bit of a meal of it.
You know these showbiz types.
205
00:25:32,695 --> 00:25:37,258
Who's that idiot kissing my wife?
That's a well-known idiot.
206
00:25:37,258 --> 00:25:42,342
That is Captain Zero. He's got
a damn nerve, kissing wives!
207
00:25:42,342 --> 00:25:49,328
Of course he has. That's what
he lives for - risking his life to thrill the crowd.
208
00:25:49,328 --> 00:25:53,371
How do, Howard!
Tha's nothing to worry about.
209
00:25:53,371 --> 00:25:58,435
Tha wife does not have an unsightly
mole with a hair in it.
210
00:25:58,435 --> 00:26:05,380
Your wife's face is as smooth
as a baby's bum! Never you mind how smooth she is!
211
00:26:08,042 --> 00:26:12,586
All right, my female fans!
I'm ready for a ravish!
212
00:26:12,586 --> 00:26:19,631
TANNOY:
'And now it's time for those of a nervous disposition to depart
213
00:26:19,631 --> 00:26:27,657
'as Captain Zero fearlessly faces
danger! He will be fired from the cannon into the jaws of death!'
214
00:26:27,657 --> 00:26:32,821
I don't want to walk with death!
You can't let people down now.
215
00:26:32,821 --> 00:26:38,546
You said there'd be no danger!
The man's been doing it for years.
216
00:26:38,546 --> 00:26:43,890
And look at the state of him!
Just keep your elbows in.
217
00:26:43,890 --> 00:26:49,755
Where's the net? It's over there,
waiting for you. Don't miss it!
218
00:26:49,755 --> 00:26:52,877
Don't worry. I'm used to firearms.
219
00:26:52,877 --> 00:27:01,824
Tell Nora Batty I'm leaving her
me ferrets. Don't worry. I'll use a smaller charge.
220
00:27:03,105 --> 00:27:05,747
It's dark! Let me out!
221
00:27:21,299 --> 00:27:23,741
Right!
222
00:27:43,376 --> 00:27:48,700
I tell thee what - it's warm in
there! It's warm out here an' all !
223
00:27:50,842 --> 00:27:53,444
I know that face!
224
00:27:53,444 --> 00:27:56,426
That's not Captain Zero!
225
00:28:52,914 --> 00:28:57,614
Subtitles by Alison Loudon
BBC Scotland - 1990
226
00:28:57,664 --> 00:29:02,214
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
20775
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