All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s08e07 Uncle Of The Bride.eng

One to be signed for this morning.
For me?

I do NOT deliver to wrong addresses.
No offence intended, Rosemary. I've never lost ANY post.

And I've got the biggest round.

I believe it.

I believe it!

I don't know who she thinks she is,
believing she's got clean steps!

I'll show her clean steps.
And not just when company's coming!

PERMANENT clean steps!

He'll not be up. He was singing when
he came in last night. He's never up early after coming home singing.

Is he in good health?
You don't think he's dead?

Nah. He just looks that way.

Ooh, I dread that happening. I just
know, sooner or later, I'm going to be delivering to somebody dead.

It's most inconvenient
when you require a signature.

This'll do it.
It's no good shouting. You can call all day when they're in drink.

There's summat about the ale
round 'ere.

Hey up, Nora. Can't tha get
friendly at some decent hour?

What made you think I'm friendly?
There's a parcel you've to sign for.

Her?! I'm not signing for anything
that size! Get your body down here!

Is that a Post Office uniform?
YES, it is!

Weren't there any vacancies
in the S.S.?

I've never seen a parcel for him
before. I expect it's a mistake.

Then it's on the part
of the sender.

Final demands
are more usual for him.

Oh, get something on!
Give us a kiss. Away!

A parcel for me? Sign there.

No freeborn Englishwoman should be
obliged to hand deliver into THAT.

It's from Foggy. Oh?
It's a decorated egg.

That's nice. Is it edible?
It's ornamental, you fool!

- Oh. Ornamental.
- Extremely intricate workmanship.

- What do you with them?
- Nothing! They're for display!

Oh. Display. Foggy made it himself.
Laid another egg, has he? I can't say I'm surprised.

His uncle left him a decorated egg
business in Bridlington. He's got a stall on the harbour,

selling decorated eggs to visitors.
No wonder the place is crowded.

You can't take enough precautions.
They warn you to be careful...

but how can you avoid some uncle
who's careless enough to die and leave you decorating eggs?

He says you'll know where to come
then, for your... decorated egg.

We'll have it there.

No, not there,
we'll have it there.

That's a fine buttonhole
you're wearing, Milburn. I wish people wouldn't call me Milburn.

I was hoping this foliage would give
the place a Palm Court look.

It's not working, is it?

Oh, and speaking of not WORKING...

No shouting, not this morning, Ivy.

I've got a do-it-yourselfer
building sharp corners in my head. He's been on the beer again.

I'm having second thoughts
about that, Milburn. We don't really have a Palm Court clientèle, do we?

It's more your POLICE court.

When I get married,

will they still call me Milburn?

Knocked up at dawn
for a decorated egg.

I hate being wakened up suddenly.
It's given me headache.

Oh. I assumed it was all that ale
you shifted last night.

We had to drink to Wesley's lass's
wedding tomorrow.

I hope it's not as wet for her
as it was for us last night.

So this is what Foggy's doing.

Sitting on Bridlington harbour
decorating eggs.

What a great big Nelly!

He's still got his killer instinct.
Where?

He wants? 3 for each of these. Eh?
Didn't you read the enclosed bill? That wasn't just wrapping paper.

Three quid?! They're normally? 4.
This is an Introductory Discount.

The cheeky prawn! What's he after?
The Queen's Award for Overcharging?

What are we going to do
with a 3 quid decorated egg?

Wedding presents...
for Wesley's lass!

Bring it in, Milburn.
We'll take it back.

Who ordered salad?

Wesley!

How's it going there, Wesley?

Great! Just the odd wrinkle needs
smoothing out. But she's great.

They built some guts into this model.

I think she's constipated.
She's good for another 100,000.

Listen to that!
Sounds like somebody's knuckle.

That's ALLOY.
There's no rust gets in that.

Tha'll get no passengers in either.
Not if they've any sense.

You've never had an ORDINARY car.

It's always something you've built
out of old railway bridges.

You've NO mechanical soul. You never
get excited about machinery.

What about him with his finger
in the mangle? Look at them lines!

She'll be all shiny tomorrow.
My lass'll ride to church in style.

You're not driving Glenda to church
in THIS?

What ELSE would I drive Glenda in?
I've been working on her for MONTHS.

Yes, I should need persuading too.

Not Glenda... the car!

She'd be better off on the bus.

"The bride," it will announce in the
in the papers, "was driven to church in a post-vintage... cloud of smoke".

I'll get rid of t'smoke by then.
Don't go away. We've got a couple of wedding presents for Glenda.

Well, that's right nice
of you, lads. They're not much...

Well, I thought so, until I saw
your car. Don't give 'em to me. I'm all... confused.

We'll take 'em to the house!

Well...!

It's most kind.
Our Glenda WILL be pleased.

I hope you haven't invited them.

You have, haven't you?
You've invited them.

I'd just like
somebody there I can get ON with! Has that one got a suit?

'Course he's got a suit!

I've never seen him in a suit for years.
Have you tried one on lately?

It were all right last time.
-Your granddad's funeral? That was 12 years ago.

I don't like wearing suits.
What's this?

Our Seymour's washing. Take it up to him.
Keep your mucky fingers off!

You do ALL his washing.
-Me own brother! Have I got to take it now?

I should think I DO do his washing.
You know his wife left him.

She left him 20 years ago!

He's used to having things done
for him is our Seymour.

He's the brains of the family
is our Seymour.

Our Seymour! That's all I ever hear
is Our Seymour.

He's the Brains of the Family
is Our Seymour.

He's a pillock is our Seymour.

Who's Seymour?

Me brother-in-law, that's who.
Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour(!)

Retired headmaster. Used to run
this little private school.

Very badly.
He were always borrowing money.

Some people are always borrowing
money. That's true. Like me.

I've never borrowed a lot of money.
..Won't say I haven't tried.

Is he, er... is he highly qualified
then, your Seymour?

Yes... in not doing his own washing.
How many shirts has he got? One for every day of t'week.

Me too. This is it.

He's not coming to wedding in that.
Relax. We'll do him up a bit.

A bit? Couldn't you try a lot?
What does he do to need all these?

Perhaps he's a betting man. He gets
on your wick, that's what he does. Him and his brilliant ideas.

Thinks he's God's gift
to technology. But who ends up doing all the work? Never Seymour.

Biggest twit since lunch was
invented. Oh, you'll LOVE Seymour.

Oh, we'll LOVE Seymour!

Hey up, Wesley!

What the hell's that?
His old school flag. He always flies it when he's in residence.

You're looking at the Registered
Office of the Utterthwaite Postal University. Did you hear that, Norm?

The Utterthwaite Postal University!

Everybody to attention...

Salute the flag!

Look at that.

"These premises are protected
by patented security devices"?!

Can't afford a dog.

Oh, I like that one! That's really
ingenious is that one!

Don't you drop that washing.
Don't you drop that gate.

He's usually round t'back.

Hello... that sounds like his latest.
His Self-Propelled Wheelbarrow.

Self-propelled wheelbarrow?!

I'll give thee 6 to 1 this Seymour
turns out to be a right tulip.

Oh, I hope so. It's ages since
we came across a right tulip.

Ah ha! Wesley! Can't stop now!

Why? What have you got against
Seymour Utterthwaite?

Why must you always be so damned
intractable?!

I think she's geared a smidgeon high.

I'm afraid you've caught me
in the middle of things.

Wouldn't have missed it!
We enjoyed it! Who ARE these people?

Hey up... These people?!
They talk like that in Harrogate. Have you ever been to Harrogate?

It's all right.
They're with me. But are they secure?

It's ALL RIGHT.

But will they talk about
what they've seen? Oh, yes, I will!

A self-propelled wheelbarrow!
You're a real card!

Repeat after me: I do solemnly
swear... I do solemnly swear.

I do sullenly swear. Not sullenly!
Solemnly! Solemnly! It's no good!

I thought he said sullenly.

They're going to blab. They are.
One thing I LOATHE is a blabber.

Lord, how I detest chaps
who are sneaks!

Who's a sneaky little chappie then?

We came down hard on blabbers
at the Utterthwaite Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen.

Utterthwaitonians didn't BLAB.
You had to watch what they wrote to parents.

They used to complain about
food, work. All they wanted to do was to idle their time away.

But ask them to wallpaper...
Utterthwaitonians didn't wallpaper?

Yes, but you could see the joins.
I've got trousers like that.

You've got legs like that.

I had one in 3B who COULD wallpaper.
And he was Portuguese.

The Saxons just got smeared in paste.
The boys I've had to have scrubbed!

Then they'd moan about
the cold water. Fingers quite blue.

But that never stopped them
scribbling notes to Mummy. Was I supposed to send them to bed sticky?

They'd all stick together!
Couldn't you invent hot water?

Have you any idea of heating costs?
No! They hadn't either.

The senior maths class would do
my quarterly accounts.

They remained very cool on the brink
of my financial disaster.

All my life I've been
under-capitalised.

I know the feeling.
With all these shirts? He's got more shirts than a big launderette.

Why do you keep looking down?
You'll have us off the road.

Whatever are you looking for?
Nothing! Well, look for nothing in FRONT!

Will you stop twisting and turning!

You're worse than you are in bed!

Hey, Norm.

I really tried with that school.
I wanted the place to become one of those gems of our English heritage.

You've seen them on summer evenings.
Lots of ivy. Vast expanses of manicured lawn...

Young voices raised in hymns...
drifting through the chapel windows.

All it wanted was the old pig sties
pulling down. A new roof.

Trenches
filling in that the army had left.

The rest was cosmetic.
Where was this place then?

High on the North Yorkshire Moors.

Amidst SUPERB natural scenery...

God, it was so cold.

It was splendid
for all outdoor activities.

I ran adventure courses
in roof repairs, digging drains... We were a practical school.

I wanted the Utterthwaitonian
to be a Good All Rounder.

All they wanted to do was play
rugby. Have you ever played rugby?

Ye gods, it's frightening!

I always came last at rugby.
They used to say that Clegg has no ball control.

They were never mean about it.
I got to hold their coats.

I could have gone professional,
holding coats. I've played rugby.

It shows. Look what it did to him.
Watch it, Elsie!

But were the parents grateful for
my preserving their sons from rugby?

Wouldn't you prefer your little man
to be able to replace windows?

Oh! Can you understand human nature?

The trouble with human nature is
it's in the hands of so many people.

So I used to say to my little men.
How old were these little men? I had them till eleven.

Eleven? What did they do
for the rest of the day? Eleven years of AGE!

Why don't you look at the view?

I'm looking at the view.
You're not. I saw you. You weren't looking at the view.

I didn't realise
it was compulsory. Oh, eat your sandwich!

Have I put enough chutney in?
Aye. You've put enough chutney in.

Oh, well, I'm pleased to hear it.

You used to tell everybody
I never put enough chutney in.

That was when
we were first married.

Yes, well... A woman can't easily
forget these things.

What ARE they doing here?
They came for the ride. We brought your washing.

No. No need.

I've fixed it so one can open
the door even with both hands full.

There's a pedal by your foot.

Just press the pedal with your foot.

It was supposed to open
the other way. Oh.

Come and see the cake.
Mrs Fearnihough's finished it. Did you hear a whistle?

She's made a beautiful cake.
I wonder if it's a wheel-bearing job.

She used to do it
professionally.

Oh, it's you, our Glenda. I thought
it was your father. Hello, Barry. He's come to see the cake.

She's made a beautiful job
of the cake. I told him. She used to do it professionally. I told him.

I wonder if a wheel-bearing's gone.

Have you seen your father?
No. He should have been back ages.

He'd know, if anybody.
He'll know it when he gets back.

He'd know straight away.
Oh, you've got some more presents.

Oh, that's nice. A set of
place mats, and two decorated eggs.

Really? Did you hear that, Barry.
That's unusual, decorated eggs.

I wanted your father to try on
his suit. Where could he be?

I sent him to your Uncle Seymour's
with a bit of washing.

Well... what do you think?
She's made a beautiful job of the cake.

How long can it take
to go to our Seymour's?

He's a lovely mover, your Seymour.

How long has he been, er...?

Barmy?
I was going to say inventive.

Barmy's closer.

No! You can't have a whippet!
Maybe it belongs to somebody.

Right out 'ere?

Maybe it's a wild whippet.
It's friendlier than you are.

You're NOT having a whippet.
You're the wrong age. Now go on!

Lose it! Let it go home.

I've always had
this restless drive...

..to push beyond the frontiers
of technology.

Can't do his own washing,
mind you.

From whence does it come
you were about to ask? I wasn't! Hands up them who was about to ask.

Sit down, I'm interested.
He's quite strange. How many people say "From whence does it come?"

From WHERE does it come, this vital
gene? This FEVER in the blood...

They've all had it. The Greats. Yes.

I think tha's had it
with that wheelbarrow, Seymour.

James Watt... George Stephenson...

Porky Earnshaw...

I'm surprised he's got any mates.

They's not his mates.
They're dead. Of embarrassment, most likely.

He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me, Norm?

No! No! No!
You're letting it get away with you!

Oh, dammit!
You'd think he could manage it.

There's no-one more perfectly
dressed for a wheelbarrow.

Keep your eyes on the road.

It's not following us.
It's gone home.

Where are you going first?
Bradlaw's. To check on the flowers.

Ring me if there's any problem.
Then you go home.

And make sure
you have a good big tea. You can't drink on an empty stomach.

Do I have to go
to me stag night?

Of course! It's no stag night
if you're not there.

I'm not much for going out drinking.
Why can't you and me just go out? Because it's traditional.

You have your last bachelor night
with your mates. I haven't got any.

I've lost touch with them all.
Oh, there'll be your Uncle Seymour and some of his mates.

We could maybe listen
to that wheel-bearing.

Does he not use a handkerchief?
Don't ask.

'Course I use a handkerchief!

I told you he used a handkerchief.
I've always wondered what for.

Hello, Uncle Seymour.
You're going to Barry's stag night, aren't you?

Great! I haven't had a booze-up
since... Last night. Who's counting?

Glenda, it's more a family occasion.

Oh, I agree. One can't invite...

..everybody.
I come from a family too.

You surprise me.

Listen, Elsie. Tha's got a lotta
toffee-nosed clack for somebody who's got "Up You" on his cottage.

The letters U.P.U. stand for...
Up You.

The Utterthwaite Postal University.
A correspondence college. And you've got some slates loose.

Well! No Old Utterthwaitonian
can be insulted with such impunity!

I'm not as puny as you may think!

Right! Put 'em up.
Right! I will!

I don't like violence. I know
people use it to improve the world,

but the world would be better
if there WASN'T any violence.

Are you finally ready?
I'm ready. I'm READY!!

Right! THRASH him, Barry!

ME?!

Do you expect a former headmaster
to go brawling in the street?

The chump... champ!

Well... you were somewhat deficient
at the noble art,

but you can still
be an excellent fetcher and carrier.

I want you to go to Wesley's garage
and borrow his wondrous socket set.

Come on! Quickly...!
And a new gate spring!

Phew! I'm in no condition
for a punch-up. You never were.

True. I've been beaten up by real pro's.
-Like who?

Mostly Nora Batty.

What were you doing? Just teaching
the proletariat a few manners.

Doesn't he speak nice,
your Uncle Seymour?

What's he doing?
He'll never drink from anything until he's checked it.

He's got LOVELY manners,
your Uncle Seymour. TELEPHONE

^
Thank you for my washing. It's no bother, love.

My shirts looked marvellous
till Wesley let Compo drop them.

Glenda, your father's a GREAT help.
He's very clever with his fingers.

Has he got time
to help you today?

Yes. I can't keep him away. We're
a great team. My genius and his...

socket set. He's not going anywhere
today with his damned socket set.

He's going to stay in that garage,
until he is quite sure that car's fit for his daughter's wedding.

Here's the socket set. You're to see
that Wesley gets it back.

Does that include the grease?
Just a minute. I have an idea.

I say! You there!

You! Come along then!

Smartly! Smartly!
Are we getting the cane?

He might give you 100 lines.
Ooh, can I borrow your pen? I need 2 practically minded chaps.

Well, I've practically got a mind
and he's practically got a mind too. I have. I HAVE.

And to show you I bear you no grudge
for our recent... misunderstanding, you can help me carry these.

Oh, you can stuff...!

I don't know how you can put your
hand near his mouth.

Sometimes it's advisable.

Wesley says if your patience snaps
and you have to kill him, don't come back without the socket set.

Come along now!
Quickly! Quickly!

Does he always have to hang around one?

It gives him a feeling of security

Mind me socket-set.

Why the interest for waking up my trouser leg?

I think he likes you.

I think you wonder, why I don't want you so close beside me.

Because tha think I'm a scruffy little twit.

That's it, good man. Good answer.

Yes, here am I, educated, and you scruffy.
As fine a Example of the proletariat.

Hey up, Norm..
As fine an Example..

You like a bit of flattery,.
-I do Norm, I do.

Now, dont think of this as simple snobbery

Noo, its very compicated snobbery

Say what you like about seymore,
He is very democratic.

The door to the University is open to everybody.
whatever the race, breed or colour.

I don't look at a chaps skin
No, show me the colour of his bankstatement..

and I give a decision on the spot.
I even took some poor boys.

Fine chaps.. I fixed them all up wit a lucratife paper round.

No, hand on heart, i have no prejudice against poor boys.

ofcourse poor parents i couldn't abide

Whats this..
Whats this item here..

Medical certainty, sticking plasters,
do they think that grows on trees?

they have no idea how the creartive mind boggles.

Do you think he would be offended
if i asked him to walk in front?

I expect so.
-Pity.

I want you to walk in front, 10 paces in front.
correction, 20 paces in front.

you know where my place is..
You lead, we'll follow.

Have you thought about a taxi?
-A taxi? My whole life has been financial sacrifice.

I can't afford a taxi.
-Eup, after al that clap, he is just as poor as me.

An Utterthwaitonian laughs at the sorted scramble of money

I shell lead...
- Stand back.

20 paces...
- 20 paces will not save you, messieur.

i am the greatest swardsman in France.

Is anybody looking?
- I shall be destroit socially if Everybody is looking.

I don't care how uncomfortable you feel,
in a place clean and tidy

you are going to sit there and we
are going to have a conversation.

It's a long time since we had one.
I want to talk to you about Barry.

Barry who? You'll be giving your
daughter away to him tomorrow.

Oh, that Barry. What other Barry, you barmpot?
-There must be other Barry's.

Just sit still and listen.
-Aye. That kind of conversation, is it?

Where I sit still and listen?
It's going to be important, this is.

It is important that you and I
have a talk about Barry.

What about Barry?
-You tell me. You must have an impression of him.

You tell me what YOU think
the trouble is with Barry.

I think... t'lad's right.
Probably IS a wheel-bearing.

♪ Oh, my Auntie Nelly's
got a wooden leg, She caught it in the mangle... ♪

I don't usually frequent
public transport.

Wesley USUALLY chauffeurs me.
I can USUALLY find him something to do.

He ADORES helping me, you know.
Snag is... he smells of diesel.

Well, they say it's more economical
than petrol.

I don't believe that's the reason.
I blame my sister really. She's a kind creature.

They don't think, you know.
They knew full well I was destined for great things.

You kept telling them.
ALL the time.

But still she marries Wesley.
Don't get me wrong, I like the man.

I could understand her
EMPLOYING him...

She never considered the effect
on the Headmaster's Conference

had it become known that
my brother-in-law reeked of diesel.

Mine smelled of musty hymn-books.

He was superbly adapted
to that decaying chapel.

He had a face that really summed up
the decline of Christianity.

Will you look at that clown overthere!

Entrusting his life
on that contraption to one, single, totally inadequate safety device.

I thought you liked Barry. I do.
He's very nice is Barry.

But can you see him as executive
material? Well, no. Exactly.

Not without a lot more push.
And more importantly, the influence of the right people.

Which is why I've asked our Seymour
to talk to him at the stag night.

That's no problem. It's stopping Seymour having a word.
That's the problem.

It seems to me, very foolhardy
to place so much confidence in this rickety contraption.

What the hell is he doing?
Get him off! You see how nervous you are?

I wasn't till you arrived!
BOG off!

There is no need to take that lower
class attitude. I'm giving you the benefit of my experience in safety.

Take him home!
-I think you're upsetting him, Seymour.

They go some gorgeous colours, angry painters.
-Oh, come on!

I know my duty.
I will NOT stand idly by,

and watch this man place himself
at risk by his overconfidence in such an amateurish device...

..as this.

You see! Exactly as I forecast!

I'll kill him! I'll KILL him!

Don't panic, don't panic.
My people will retrieve it!

My people?!

We may have joined the Utterthwaite
Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen. Shall we have to wear a school cap?

They've got it. If they didn't the first time..
I'm still here to keep your spirits up.

Morale is everything. Never overlook
the factor of morale.

In a crisis the Utterthwaitonian
would sing. Something with a rousing beat. What do YOU like to sing?

Hey up! The bus is coming.

I hope this lesson
has not been lost on you.

You could have KILLED me!
Don't let me see you round here again!

One and two halves, please.

I bet his father died young!

I bet anything those closest to him
were dropping like flies!

Your average labouring person
tends to resent advice at first.

But as he gains confidence in one,
he comes round in the end.

I think he's coming round right now!

Oh...!
Whatever's the matter, woman?

I thought there was a man in here!
You look different in a suit. Uncomfortable.

You'll get used to it.
That's no comfort.

Think of yourself as a chassis
that you've put a new body on. And it's a great improvement.

What are you doing?
Checking for diesel.

You're going to a social occasion.

Take a cue from our Seymour.
Watch how he behaves.

Like a blithering idiot usually.

Listen, I can't get to the stag night
tonight. That car's not ready yet.

You've been fiddling with it
for years! Who'll look after Barry?

Your Seymour's there. He's the brains.
-I'll brain YOU if anything happens to Barry!

You look fantastic in that dinner jacket, Seymour!
I'm just sorry nobody else has got one.

No matter. They don't suit everyone, you know.
-Now remember, our Seymour, WORK on Barry.

See if you can plant a grain
of ambition. Make him aware of his responsibilities.

Just leave it with me, Edith.
WE have the technology.

^
Ta ra, Barry. Don't be too late in bed.

I'd sooner be in bed NOW!

See what I mean?
Full of executive fire he ISN'T.

Can you hear that whistle?
We shall proceed to the Clarence.

What's wrong with the White Horse?

Excessive quantities
of the lower orders. Have you been in the toilets?

No. We usually use the bar.
Flavour of the month there is almost pure ammonia.

Barry, drive to the Clarence.
Hang on. We're picking 2 more up here.

Ye gods!

Hey up, Barry! Is tha fit?

Hey up! Seymour's all done up
for a funeral!

Why don't we try the White Horse?

Oh, excuse us...

It's terrible embarrassing the way
some people dress, ain't it?

Oh, that feels much better now.

What kind of wedding dress was yours, Mrs Batty?
-It wasn't like this. It was short.

Mind you. Look at Wally,
he was short. So it was in keeping.

You couldn't get the material.
Why?

There was a war on. We had 2 alerts
the first night of our honeymoon. It seemed like more.

Me dad can't remember much
about his wedding. They don't remember.

Don't you remember my wedding dress?

Be fair, woman.
You only wore it the once.

Do you think he's alive
to the responsibilities of wedlock?

Do you think he's alive?
-He's just quiet. So was I before my wedding.

You were paralytic. YOU, married?!

Oh, not for long. She ran off with
a Pole. I were advised to sue him.

Why didn't you?
I couldn't spell his name.

My own marriage ended
in rather tragic circumstances.

Miriam just went to pieces.
She lost all sense of perspective and left me.

I don't blame myself.
-You wouldn't.

I did everything for her.
-You would. She grew tired of her black stove.

She hated cooking for the little men.
Even though they'll eat ANYTHING.

She began clamouring for electricity.
She wanted an electric oven!

So I made her one.
With these hands I made an electric oven. -Get over!

One or two bits kept falling off...
but there was no need to...

I came home from school one evening.
She'd left a note.

"Your oven's in the dinner,"
it said.

Thank you.

You wanted some extra crockery.
Oh, bless you, love.

Put it in the kitchen.
-It's unlucky to see a bride before her wedding.

Only when it's your OWN!

Are you sure?
GET in that kitchen!

Oh, I'm sorry, love. You get so used to them being there,
you forget they're the opposite sex.

I hope that never happens to me.

Sometimes it's a blessing, love.
Mine's in a maungy mood. He's pining for a whippet.

I know he's the right size,
but what do WE need with a whippet?

Oh, thank you very much,
Mrs Pegden.

Eat them on your way home.

And don't forget your bath!

Oh...! Oh, she looks beautiful
in that dress!

I know...

Eh, she'll be all right.
Barry's a nice boy.

I know...
Just a bit quiet, that's all.

You can't have 'em too quiet.

But what about ambition?
You do need a SPARK of ambition.

Hmm. I know what you mean.

I know you'll be busy. I've no wish to intrude.
-Marina! Come in.

Oh, thank you. I just had to bring
that lucky girl something borrowed, something blue!

And wish her all the best.
On several occasions I have almost been in the same position.

On MORE than several occasions.
-There's no substitute for marriage.

And believe me, she's tried.

Is it extra then, for a clean glass?
I DEMAND a clean glass!

Look, just because you're a waiter,
don't get all Egon Ronay in here!

Be reasonable! Suppose everyone asked for
a clean glass? Sit down, Seymour.

Seymour? Handles my wheelbarrow
once and he calls me Seymour?!

Don't do that again.
It's like kissing the bouncer.

The little men used to call me Mr Utterthwaite.

I like the sound of that.
And then of course, there was 'Sir'.

Although Miriam would never
call me 'Sir'.

Bye bye, love! See you tomorrow!

What's SHE doing there?

Don't forget to wear that present!

Pearl, love, how do I know
what a certain lady, who is almost entirely a stranger to me...

Don't lie to me!
..is doing at Wesley's house?

YOU suggested calling
at Wesley's place.

I had NO idea, Pearl.
Tha've got ideas.

You've got ideas bigger
than your natural capacity!

I've never had any complaints.
Well, you're getting one now.

Good evening, Pearl.

Howard...

Good evening, er... er...

Her name slipped your memory,
has it? A likely story!

I told you.
Practically a stranger to me.

You should be able to remember
the name Marina. Just think of it as a place frequented by sailors.

How do, Albert? Hey up. Still on
the orange juice? What's HE do then?

He's a Correspondence College.

Do? I AM, sir, a major influence in
education circles, AND something of an innovator in the new technology.

And he's got big feet. His sister
does his washing. Without her, he'd just be a bloke with 8 dirty shirts.

Just imagine...
OWNING 8 dirty shirts.

Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria.

I never knew that. Used to have
HUNDREDS of dirty shirts.

Entire palaces
filled with dirty shirts.

So, what was he so mad about?

He tried to live a life
of pure fantasy.

Untouched by sordid reality.

He wanted his life...
to be a fairy tale.

And there he was,
at the end of each day...

staring at another dirty shirt.

Which just goes to show...

into each reign
a little life must fall.

Life is a struggle... It's been
a struggle to get where I am today.

You'll find life
is a struggle, Barry.

I bet I do.
I bet I find life is a struggle.

But I'm not done yet.
I just need the breakthrough.

The world will utter Mutter...

..mutter Utterthwaite in respectful
tones it reserves for those who advance the frontiers of technology.

With a motorised wheelbarrow?

That's only ONE of my mechanical
children... You've seen the computerised lawn-sprinkler.

We've HEARD it... Sounded like
somebody gargling with jelly.

I've a dozen things
at various stages of development. For example, the boy's wedding gift.

All in due time. What is it?

A very small motorised wheelbarrow.

It is a Master Controller. Whose
function I shall demonstrate later.

A present? For me and Glenda?

With her Uncle Seymour's love.
This parcel of electronic wizardry

will enable you, my boy, to relax
at leisure in your favourite chair,

and operate any electric device
in the house by remote control. Wow!

How well are you fixed
for insurance, Barry?

I should double it. And make sure
your favourite chair is fireproof!

Pay them no heed. I shall
convince them of its ingenuity.

But first, a word in your ear
about AMBITION, lad.

I shall guide you along its path.
Should you falter, Uncle Seymour will be there.

A good first move
would be to avail yourself

of a few of the world's renownest
career courses offered by

Utterthwaite Postal University!

Which would, of course, come to you
at reduced family rates.

I have to impress upon you
the cardinal necessity of AMBITION.

Are you amBITious, Barry?
Well...

Yeah. Good man! Good answer!

You'd be a natural student, lad!

Are you ambitious, Norm?

I gave it a whirl once,
but it was in the hands of so many pushy people.

One needs that eternal spark.
The cosmic restlessness.

Hey up, I used to manage
on a few Woodbines.

One has to have a DREAM.
-Now we're into Nora Batty territory!

One has to keep that dream alive
through ALL the years of trial...

Ye gods, I've had my trials.

Me too. I used to get done
for illegal ferreting.

Hello, Wally.
Where did you find that?

To look at me now, you wouldn't
believe the years of struggle. Hardship.

It was a challenge, lad.
A man needs a challenge.

I got those little men working
for me. I had this practical concept of education.

I was YEARS before my time, Barry.

The authorities weren't ready for it.
The parents weren't ready for it.

Ha. I taught those little men
to paint. To lay bricks. To plumb...

Was anybody grateful?

The first time a couple fell off
the roof, there was HELL to pay.

Hey up!

Pearl is so... unreasonable.

She just won't believe we have
this mutual interest in cycling.

Perhaps if we bought bicycles.
-I'd do anything, Marina.

Don't back out
this time then, Howard.

Let's go all the way...
and buy two bicycles.

Oh, help!
It's me neighbour, Norman Clegg!

A dream, Barry...
Or may I call you Wilkinson?

You must have a dream
tucked away somewhere, Wilkinson.

I've always wanted to run barefoot
across the moors... by moonlight.

And so you shall, lad!

Well, it's a start.
-I think Seymour is well and truly plastered.

Even when he's sober.

Hey up! It's Howard and Marina!

I was just showing the lady
the difference between cross-ply and radial tyres.

To the moors by moonlight!

Albert, you're on orange juice.
You drive.

I'm going that way meself.
-I daren't go home with this whippet.

Milburn!

MILBURN!

Milburn!

Get that stuff inside!

Come on!

Now listen to me, Milburn.
You are never going to be secure in the catering profession

until you have grasped the essential
secret of the small establishment.

Are you listening to me, Milburn?

I'm listening.

The essential secret, Milburn,
of the small family establishment...

Are you paying attention?

I am. I'm paying attention.

Then repeat
what I've just said to you.

You said:
"Are you paying attention, Milburn?"

Milburn...

I am talking about your LIFE,
Milburn. In the catering.

I cannot impress upon you
too strongly, how important it is -

when you think
about getting married -

to choose the RIGHT type of wife.

Some... Some sensible lass
who can work with you.

I don't know what type you like...
-I like big... I don't want to know, Milburn!

..tall girls.

Don't bring anybody flash here.

Try to find somebody kind,
who can appreciate a steady life, with somebody gentle.

I mean, somebody who's had
a hard time.

What type of girl is it, Milburn?

Somebody who can appreciate
a steady life.

Somebody who's had a hard time.
That's it!

Auntie Ivy, can I ask you something?

Go on.
-Why do they call it Fast Food? I can't understand why they do.

And the way you serve it,
I can't understand it either! Now GET on!

And remember what I've been
saying to you!

- But they've ALWAYS squeaked!
You're not squeaking at a wedding! You'll have to wear it out.

I could have walked it off
with that whippet.

Well, you'll just have to walk
it out WITHOUT that whippet!

Mum, can you get the phone?

That was Barry's mum.
His bed hasn't been slept in! What were they up to last night?

Albert Earnshaw just said he drove
them to Seymour's last night.

When he last saw them, they were
setting off for a run. -A run?!

Up on the moors.
Can't people go for a run?

Oh, my giddy aunt! Now hear this,
you great oily muffin,

if you don't get that lad
to church... -Mam!

Who was that on the phone?

Nobody, love. Wrong number.

He didn't come home last night!

I want you to swear that you never
saw me last night with Marina.

I NEVER saw you last night with Marina!
-That's it!

He's not in!
I always know when he's not in.

It's like sunshine after rain.

Where are they?
-I thought they'd be home.

What were they doing
when you left? Looking for Barry.

Couldn't you have helped 'em?

I was saying goodnight to me whippet.
I keep her up in the hills.

Keep going!

Ah, I think I will.

And don't be too long!
-Oh, no!

Well, okay, genius. What next?
What other bright ideas have you got?

Hmm... I'm thinking it out.

Oh! He's thinking it out.
-They'll all be thinking about it.

Bridegroom missing on his weddingday.
People notice that kind of thing.

It's like any other problem.
It has to be analysed and the appropriate action taken.

I'm all for lying or running away.
-That sounds reasonable.

We're half way there.
We know exactly where the boy is.

How's it going, Barry?

It's all right! It's just me ankle!

Looks like a nice day
for your wedding, Barry.

There HAS to be a way

to remove a bridegroom from a hole.

He's looking at me, Norm.
Why is he looking at me?

You bonehead! You'd better find him,
or you're in TROUBLE! -Me?

Seymour was looking after him.
"Our Seymour's the brains of the family."

If you've put your great hoof
through this wedding, I'll...

Are you all ready then?
-Yes, thank you, love. Going like clockwork!

If you don't get him to that church,
don't bother to hurry home!

Where's me dad going now?

Just a few
last minute errands, love.

Have you seen him? Who?

I thought you might have heard
a passing squeaky boot.

Whose squeaky boot?
-Me husband's. Lord save us. Who else is missing?

Well, I wouldn't say he was missing.
-But you don't know where is?

It's that whippet. He's gone
all broody over that damned whippet.

At his age and you'd think you can RELAX.
-You can never relax.

I'm not going home
till we can both go home.

It's not as if she's not used to dogs.
I've had a dog's life all these years.

That's not true.
She's hard, but she's fair.

No, I tell a lie, she's NOT fair.

But by heck, she's handy
if there's any trouble.

I've always felt safe at nights.

If we can get you in,

she'll look after you.

Once you're on t'staff,
there's no backing out.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm just following this whippet.

Get in!
-Right ho.

Why don't I go for some help?
-Be quiet! What's he going to do?

He's going to grab your legs.
-Me legs?!

With a bit of luck, he can use you like a ladder.
-How lucky can you get?

Don't let me go!
Nobody lets you go, STOP squirming!

Its very trickey at this end.
-its not a bed of roses, i can tell ya. With a bit of luck, you'll come out taller!

If you can grab his legs, Barry!

I hate doing this in a dinner jacket!

It can get very hectic
on your wedding day.

Get a GOOD GRIP, lad!
I've no time for a butterfingers.

Grab something and hang on!

I AM hanging on!

ME LEGS!!

Pull! That's it!

Where the HELL have you lot been?

No need to take that tone,
I had it ALL under control.

It didn't feel like that.
I know what it felt like.

Am I late for my wedding?
-A great start, that is.

I'll get you there.
To my place, Wesley.

I'd better go.
She'll be going BANANAS!

Tell her Seymore has all under control.

Driving across them moors hasn't
done this old girl much good!

Do you think you can drive?
I don't think so.

Not to worry.
Right. Who's going to drive?

Come back, Wesley!
We've hit a snag!!

He's NEVER there when you need him!

Yes? Er, Cleggy can drive a bit.
-Well, then!

I-I gave it up years ago.
Can't YOU drive?

I like to sit in the back and give
directions. You'll have to drive.

Squealer. This is the last time
I help you down any holes.

You might notice a whistle.

I never notice anything when I'm
driving. I make it a golden rule.

Listen. What is it?

Nothing.
I thought I heard a squeaky boot.

I never thought
I'd miss that sound.

It's the things that irritate
you miss the most.

I miss mine every day.
I go to that cemetery twice a week.

But you daren't talk
above a whisper.

He never will feel at home
if I'm not there raising me voice.

She's in FIRST!
I knew it would be difficult.

Use the CLUTCH! At the same time?
I can't think of everything.

I'll promise I'll never say
anything again! Get in reverse.

Here we go then.

Well, you said reverse.

All right, you can keep it.
As long as it behaves.

But it doesn't go upstairs.
And you pick up the hairs it sheds.

Tie it up somewhere,
and follow us on!

Ye gods!
Just LOOK at that dress!

But not for TOO long!
I don't know what you mean.

I wish you wouldn't
do that with your elbow. You've crushed my cigarettes.

I know what I SHALL crush.
Me favourite filter tip. That's the one.

Oh! Oh, rotten heck!

I could spit! Why does life give
a girl such a hard time?

Have you had a hard time?

I have... Ooh, I have!

Still... mustn't grumble.

Ooh, how tiny my shoe looks
in your capable hands!

Your strap's broke.

Story of me life.

My! What strong fingers you've got!

What were you doing
with that woman?

It's like what you said.
A poor lass that's had an 'ard time.

GET in there
and read a hymn book!

I've found mine. If he goes off
again, ask him to call for mine.

You do look smart, Edie.
We all do our best, don't we?

Oh, my giddy aunt! Did you HAVE
to bring him in this, Seymour?

It works! Development money!
Where can I get development money?

What's wrong with your legs?
-It's just the one leg. Well, I'm just thankful no-one else saw you arrived.

Hey up, Nora! Tha looks a treat!

Get off!
Get on with your bridegroom!

She's really very...

Madam! Don't you madam me!

Comes here in a wild wheelbarrow
with a damaged bridegroom.

And take your unwanted arm away!
Before my husband sees you.

He may be covered in whippet hairs
but he's mine. And it's HIS arm I shall be entering on!

Who IS that fearsome female?

Oh, that's Wally's.
No wonder he wanted a whippet.

She's great value. You'll like her.
-Don't lie to him. We're going to church.

Is tha coming? Not in the same pew.
I shall sit one row behind.

You will not turn round during the service.
-He's off again! And you will sing the hymns.

I will hear you singing the hymns.

What was that?!
-Sounds like a self-propelled wheelbarrow.

If he wasn't so bolshie, I could find him lots of little jobs.
You too. -Oh,we'll be around.

Lifting, and simple things.
It wouldn't pay much.

How much?
It could work out as much as...

..nothing.
Couldn't you do it for the interest?

The opportunity to be part
of the Utterthwaite team?

He's going to get on my wick.
You know that, don't you?

So what else are we doing?

Will you stop! Mind the lapels!
Will you stop! Please!

Now... look here...

Remember,
we are not mixing socially.

You are in my employ.

His leg? It's only one leg.
Be thankful that the rest of him is here.

You look LOVELY!

She's right... You DO look lovely.

What happened to his leg?

You know how it is.
Things happen to legs.

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