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1
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:38,059
Regarding the question of transport,
it's very simple.
2
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:41,179
One - Sid will always drive us
in his van.
3
00:00:41,180 --> 00:00:44,199
Two - Ivy won't let him.
4
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,619
Three - we've got no transport.
5
00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:49,499
Of course, when I was in the army,
6
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,259
I simply had to lift the phone
and order my jeep.
7
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:54,679
You never had a jeep!
8
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,459
I had a jeep.
9
00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:58,720
I bet it had a bell on and pedals!
10
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,520
What would a poxy corporal
sign-writer be doing with a jeep?!
11
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,659
It's unfair of you to ask me
military questions
12
00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:09,959
when you know my lips
are still sealed
13
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:13,099
by the provisions
of the Official Secrets Act.
14
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:14,879
General Patton had a jeep.
15
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,979
Two, with pearl handles.
16
00:01:16,980 --> 00:01:21,459
I don't see what we're worried
about transport for, any road.
17
00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,219
We're not off anywhere...
18
00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:24,420
Hey!
19
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:30,200
Move it! Go on.
20
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:49,259
But if we had transport, we might
have decided to go somewhere.
21
00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:53,119
We might have got up this morning,
looked out over all them hills,
22
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,539
thought, "how boring",
and decided to go somewhere.
23
00:01:57,540 --> 00:02:00,919
Where? I was speaking generally.
Hypothetically, if you like.
24
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,959
There's no reason for you
to be demanding specific details
25
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,000
in your tatty hat.
26
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,779
Oh, right.
27
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:11,239
Of course,
his judgment has gone to pieces.
28
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,819
He's bound to feel a certain
family nervousness
29
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:15,979
standing this close
to a police station.
30
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:18,619
I've got nothing to hide.
31
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,559
Correction.
You have got something to hide.
32
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,539
It's just that you're so
damn careless about hiding it.
33
00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:28,699
..You fail to understand, constable,
you are talking to somebody not altogether unknown
34
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:30,719
to certain colleagues
of yours in Stoke-on-Trent.
35
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,759
You've no business dealing
with me...
36
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,519
Look! The lesser common criminal.
37
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,019
It's Amos Hames.
38
00:02:36,020 --> 00:02:38,099
You haven't heard the last of this.
39
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:41,619
You'll be receiving
a communication from my solicitor.
40
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:43,959
He's the biggest solicitor
in Stoke-on-Trent!
41
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,979
Why don't you try interviewing him?
42
00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:49,699
Police corruption, that's what it
is. Corruption and sheer brutality.
43
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,299
Never heard anything like it.
44
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:55,239
How do, Amos?!
Oh, my God. That's a novelty.
45
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,539
A talking notice board. Eh up, Amos.
46
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:01,099
The nerves are all shot.
Of course they're shot.
47
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:04,299
I've just had the most unpleasant
interview with Starsky and Hutch.
48
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:08,960
Who, as a double act, will never be
as funny as Hitler and Himler. Adolph and Heiney!
49
00:03:10,180 --> 00:03:12,039
Toured Europe in the early '40s.
50
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,379
A gag, a goose-step und a song.
You don't get any better.
51
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:19,059
It's kind of you to say so.
52
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:22,339
Well, Compo, eh? Compo Simonite!
53
00:03:22,340 --> 00:03:26,359
I thought it were thee. I thought
that's Amos coming out the porky.
54
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,379
The interview room.
I beg your pardon?
55
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:31,319
That's all I was
coming out of - the interview room.
56
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,599
Nothing criminal.
Just a small civil misunderstanding.
57
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,979
Well, what are you all doing,
living in that old notice board?
58
00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:41,459
I mean, I knew times was hard,
but... You, Compo, you look well.
59
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:45,599
I like your socks... Considering
your overall state of health,
60
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,959
I think you look better... Eh, what?
61
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,879
I'm sorry, Foggy.
62
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,359
I forgot you didn't know Amos.
63
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,239
I haven't had that pleasure.
64
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,839
You'll love Amos.
He's a laugh a minute.
65
00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:02,020
I'm not sure I'm so easily taken
in by that kind of superficial charm.
66
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,279
Amos.
67
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,979
Foggy Dewhurst.
68
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,879
Foggy Dewhurst?
69
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,800
Sounds like an industrial disease!
70
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:21,000
Go on then. Say how do.
71
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,480
They don't need your two pen' worth.
It's not love at first sight!
72
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:37,759
No! Just a minute, just a minute!
73
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:41,619
You can see what's happened. Your
strap's got caught in mine. I know.
74
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:44,899
Why don't we just stand still?
75
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,080
Well, that's what
I was about to suggest.
76
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:56,939
Why don't we go for a quick one?
77
00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:58,879
Did you see that man?
78
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,459
He could have had
the entire sleeve off.
79
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,379
He's not going to
bear a grudge, is he?
80
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:08,299
Don't worry thyself.
It's just that he's a bit... tall.
81
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:12,799
I mean, in some quarters, he could
be regarded as a big fellow.
82
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,939
Ex-regular army. He's not, is he?
83
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,399
Karate expert. Oh, my God!
84
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,539
Don't worry yourself, Amos.
He's just a big fairy.
85
00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:25,280
Damn nasty, some of these fairies.
86
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,619
How long's thee been back,
then, Amos?
87
00:05:33,620 --> 00:05:35,179
Oh, I'm just here for the day.
88
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:37,719
We used to see thee mam
now and again.
89
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,819
She liked to complain
about her ankles.
90
00:05:39,820 --> 00:05:42,339
Oh, she had terrible ankles. Fluid.
91
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:44,259
Pardon?
92
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,399
It would be fluid.
93
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,499
What's he on about?
Fluid on the ankles.
94
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,639
That's what it would be.
Causes swelling.
95
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,540
Very common complaint,
swollen ankles.
96
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,599
Even horses get it.
97
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:05,019
That's why thee mam
never got better, Amos!
98
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:07,639
You should have had
her on to the vet.
99
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,779
He's full of tact,
your mate, isn't he?
100
00:06:09,780 --> 00:06:13,059
Suggesting that my mother
suffers from a mare's complaint.
101
00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:15,139
I implied no such thing.
102
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:17,259
Talking of a mayor's complaint,
103
00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:21,260
have you seen that latest photograph
of the Lady Mayoress?
104
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:28,959
I was merely pointing out
the similarity between the human and the equine foot.
105
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,499
What's an equine foot?
12 inches and a bit.
106
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,300
And the bit goes between
the teeth for steering purposes.
107
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:41,099
That's all right, Clegg.
You just talk among yourselves.
108
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:45,479
Well, I think it's time for
another round. Not for me, thanks.
109
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:49,739
Yes, well, quite often on Tuesdays,
back in the barracks,
110
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:54,039
we used to gather in the PMs
hut and do our... That doesn't surprise me in the least.
111
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,979
A chuffing corporal sign-writer?
112
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:59,659
Master of the Gothic script.
Good hand with a pen, is he?
113
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:02,379
I won the Northern Command
Freehand Italic Trophy
114
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,979
with a little thing I knocked up
for the Adjutants Christmas party.
115
00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:10,939
Well, penmanship. You know, that
is a skill I have always admired.
116
00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:15,999
I'd love to trace out a picture
of our beloved Queen.
117
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,239
Well, I think that's
very commendable. Oh, yes.
118
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,819
In all her robes. Very regal.
119
00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:24,800
Just how she looks
on five pound notes.
120
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:31,239
Cor blimey! Yes, your mam says
you've been living in Stoke-on-Trent.
121
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,879
Only for a time.
122
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,759
I've been moving about a bit.
I'm glad about that.
123
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,459
You don't like to think of anybody
being long in Stoke-on-Trent.
124
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,820
Our Wendy had thick ankles.
125
00:07:44,780 --> 00:07:47,079
She tried everything.
126
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,240
Massage, exercise... Shoplifting.
127
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,199
That were only because
she were depressed.
128
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,019
Oh, I see. Would that be when
she was caught
129
00:07:57,020 --> 00:08:01,699
in the Co-op or when she was caught
in the Chelsea Swinger boutique? I don't remember.
130
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,899
I expect it would have been
the Co-op.
131
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:07,679
I expect everybody gets a bit
depressed in a Co-op.
132
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,599
I know I did.
133
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:14,599
Well, what are they after
thee for then, Amos? Who?
134
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,879
The constables.
135
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:24,080
It's a... trivial misunderstanding.
136
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:33,819
Bit shifty, isn't he?
137
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:37,119
He can't be all that bad,
he's getting a round in.
138
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,379
Trust you to be impressed
by the moral factor.
139
00:08:40,380 --> 00:08:43,739
Look, I don't want to enter into
a technical discussion
140
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:46,299
about whether Amos is
or is not a criminal.
141
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:49,619
Let's start from the first principles
of common humanity
142
00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:52,899
and check and see whether
you've still got your wallet.
143
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,740
What are you talking about?
144
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,600
Hey! Put it away. It's all paid for.
145
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:07,319
I've been away all these years,
scratching for a living among the heathen...
146
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:12,539
Come back and in five minutes,
here I am, accepted.
147
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,559
That's what I call
friendliness and trust.
148
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,759
Shall we drink to that?
149
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,239
Friendliness and trust.
150
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,499
Friendliness and trust.
151
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,820
Friendliness and trust!
152
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,160
63.
153
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:49,439
70.
154
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:53,339
I wish I could learn
to chalk my cue like that.
155
00:09:53,340 --> 00:09:58,119
I think that's real class being
able to chalk your cue like that.
156
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,899
Yes and where's he learnt it all?
157
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,419
You don't pick this up unless
you're in some very funny company.
158
00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:07,860
What makes me shudder is I nearly
suggested playing for money.
159
00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:13,940
I wouldn't mind not playing at all if
I could just chalk my cue like that.
160
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,379
71.
161
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:22,379
I suppose this is how
the big jobs are planned.
162
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:25,899
They thrash out the details
over innumerable games of snooker.
163
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,819
I wouldn't have minded
being a famous criminal.
164
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:32,799
You know, keeping a greyhound and
a bird in a flat with big knockers.
165
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,360
They mostly have doorbells.
166
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,739
I would have bought
her a white telephone.
167
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:43,039
Oh, yeah. Very suitable,
considering your sort of language.
168
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,640
Like an inflammable ashtray.
169
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,499
Red into that pocket and
then the white up there
170
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:55,059
ready for another black.
All right, partner?
171
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:59,999
Listen, Foggy, you sit there
being sceptical in this hallowed
172
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:05,119
atmosphere of stale beer and billiard
chalk, but what big jobs do you mean?
173
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,439
I mean, what big jobs are planned
over innumerable games of snooker?
174
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,340
Payrolls, banks.
175
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,999
Why should Amos be
doing payrolls and banks?
176
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,459
Listen, corner of Epworth Street.
177
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,780
Is that bank still open?
178
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,420
Whatever are you doing?
179
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:30,719
Sorry, it just seemed as though
somebody walked over me safe.
180
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,840
Me grave!
181
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:37,839
Not to worry. Me mum always said
on occasions like this it were good for the carpet.
182
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:42,659
Your mum ought to know. She had it
done on more carpets than anybody else did.
183
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,599
I'm perfectly all right.
184
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,439
Don't fuss. It's just that me
left ventricle suddenly did a flip.
185
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,119
I could feel it fluttering
against my ribcage
186
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,799
like some wild Australian budgie.
A real ocker.
187
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,919
That's just how my late
company commander went.
188
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:05,680
What? As an ocker? Drinking beer
in his undershirt from a can, calling everybody Sheila?
189
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:13,919
Now, look. Don't start talking
in small groups and low tones.
190
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,519
Oh dear. Oh dear.
191
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,859
That's voodoo.
192
00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,639
I've seen it happen time
and time again round here.
193
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,099
Some poor devil in bed
and then a little group
194
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:26,299
falls all talking in low tones
and the next thing you know,
195
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,580
they're riding in big cars
to the funeral.
196
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:38,499
It has to be faced.
It's no good shirking it.
197
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:41,459
Look, it was only a slight flutter.
198
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:43,480
I'm not going to die, am I?
199
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,979
We've talked it over,
and we've decided that,
200
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,639
under the circumstances,
it's only fair
201
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,440
that you should pay for the glass.
202
00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:18,849
It's hardly changed at all,
do you know?
203
00:13:18,850 --> 00:13:22,090
Why do you wanna know
about the bank, Amos?
204
00:13:23,490 --> 00:13:26,649
Why don't you just
ask him straight out?
205
00:13:26,650 --> 00:13:28,789
What are you getting so coy about?
206
00:13:28,790 --> 00:13:31,369
It was you who started it.
207
00:13:31,370 --> 00:13:34,230
Why do you want to know
about the bank, Amos?
208
00:13:35,630 --> 00:13:38,469
I don't want him
alarming unnecessarily.
209
00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:39,929
If he suspects we know anything,
210
00:13:39,930 --> 00:13:41,810
we could all finish up
down some dark alley.
211
00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:46,329
Eh, up. I started down some
dark alley.
212
00:13:46,330 --> 00:13:48,749
What's wrong with dark alleys?
213
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:52,129
I were a slum child
and don't thee forget it.
214
00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:56,109
Well, I shouldn't boast about it.
It's hardly the Kennel Club, is it?
215
00:13:56,110 --> 00:13:58,609
No, but it it were
a bit like a kennel.
216
00:13:58,610 --> 00:14:01,889
I remember your mam
used to bite postmen.
217
00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:04,950
She was sick of receiving
begging letters.
218
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:09,249
Your mother got begging letters?
219
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:12,870
All the time, from people begging
her to stop writing begging letters.
220
00:14:13,930 --> 00:14:16,109
Why are you looking
at the bank, Amos?
221
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:18,309
It's no business of ours, Amos!
222
00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:20,329
Of course it's our business.
223
00:14:20,330 --> 00:14:22,549
Do you know what
a small depositor is?
224
00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:24,709
I mean, in addition to your ferrets.
225
00:14:24,710 --> 00:14:28,169
Of course I know what
a small depositor is.
226
00:14:28,170 --> 00:14:35,729
Well? There's a bit more traffic
than there used to be.
227
00:14:35,730 --> 00:14:38,449
Hurry up. He's planning his getaway.
228
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:41,529
Get away! That's it, you've got it.
229
00:14:41,530 --> 00:14:43,469
Now, what is a small depositor?
230
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:45,749
Shut up. I'm thinking.
231
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,009
Thinking?
232
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:51,209
If they ironed your brain flat,
it wouldn't make a decent beer mat.
233
00:14:51,210 --> 00:14:53,449
A small depositor
is a man in the street
234
00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:55,949
who happens to have
a few pounds in the bank.
235
00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:58,769
I knew that. He's a liar!
236
00:14:58,770 --> 00:15:02,169
Now we're getting somewhere.
You're a liar. Right.
237
00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:05,069
And Foggy is a small depositor.
Very small.
238
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:08,629
And my money is in that bank.
So you see why it is my business,
239
00:15:08,630 --> 00:15:10,469
if your criminal former companion
240
00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,850
is thinking of absconding
with the contents.
241
00:15:16,270 --> 00:15:18,310
Where is he? Oh, my God!
242
00:15:19,530 --> 00:15:22,309
In broad daylight!
243
00:15:22,310 --> 00:15:25,209
He's only looking.
That's true, Foggy.
244
00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:27,989
We don't know that he
actually plans to do anything.
245
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:29,709
Did he have a bulge?
246
00:15:29,710 --> 00:15:31,349
Pardon?
247
00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:37,749
In his armpit.
I don't suppose he'd feel much like robbery, Foggy, if he's got mumps.
248
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:40,370
His weapon, you fool.
249
00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:44,809
I'll serve you in a
minute, Mrs Batty.
250
00:16:44,810 --> 00:16:47,489
I think this white
car came in first.
251
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:51,129
It's not ours. We've never seen it
before. It just followed us here.
252
00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:53,969
We tried speaking to it harshly.
Yes, I heard you.
253
00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:59,009
And I'll thank you never to employ
that vocabulary again quite so close to my sniper's ear. The what?
254
00:16:59,010 --> 00:17:01,650
Sniper's ear. It's been
trained to pick up every sound.
255
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,029
And I heard that.
256
00:17:05,030 --> 00:17:08,089
I knew there would be trouble
when three men came in backwards.
257
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:11,769
That's the first time in
20 years three men have ever come in backwards.
258
00:17:11,770 --> 00:17:15,249
You daren't turn your
back on them runaway cars.
259
00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:19,570
They'll have you.
The only thing to do is to stare them straight in the headlights.
260
00:17:24,790 --> 00:17:31,329
He's not right! What were you doing
to the woman? I were staring at her straight in the headlights.
261
00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:37,109
I knew there would be trouble
when they painted them double yellow lines down the street.
262
00:17:37,110 --> 00:17:41,889
They can't park outside,
so now I've got the first drive-in chip shop in Yorkshire.
263
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:46,949
Well, your prices have all
been fairly mobile. There's no better value round here!
264
00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:49,529
Has the instructor taken over?
265
00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:51,149
No, I don't think so.
266
00:17:51,150 --> 00:17:53,989
Oh, it must be awful for him.
267
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:59,249
Day after day, putting their life
in the hands of some learner's feet.
268
00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:06,949
Here, her from Digby's cleaners said
her instructor was that nervous, she couldn't stop him grabbing her leg.
269
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:11,109
I've heard about that one. With
the small beard from Arnold Street.
270
00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:13,110
Still, he keeps getting them through.
271
00:18:18,690 --> 00:18:22,649
Ooh!
She's too old to learn, bless her.
272
00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:28,849
I don't think you can cope
with the Highway Code once you're going through her time of life.
273
00:18:28,850 --> 00:18:34,349
It's true. Nothing new comes natural
after your 45th birthday.
274
00:18:34,350 --> 00:18:42,350
My husband's just wasted 4.25
on an illustrated sex manual to find that out.
275
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:44,270
Does he want to sell it?
276
00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:50,610
Oh! They're all like.
They expect life to be all model trains and cheeky nighties!
277
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:54,689
Is it fully illustrated?
278
00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:59,769
You must be joking. I couldn't eat
solid food for a week.
279
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:06,229
Oh! I wish he'd hurry up. God knows
what your friend Amos is up to under cover of all this excitement.
280
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,089
We'd better get out of the way.
281
00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:13,330
If she's not in reverse when
she lets that lot go, she'll be coming through here at about 90.
282
00:19:45,330 --> 00:19:47,309
Here, where's raggy britches?
283
00:19:47,310 --> 00:19:49,270
Oh, he's back there somewhere.
284
00:19:57,090 --> 00:19:59,329
What have you been
doing to Nora Batty?
285
00:19:59,330 --> 00:20:02,949
I tried to press her
to take a warm chip.
286
00:20:02,950 --> 00:20:06,929
Here, take one.
Just one, not a great handful!
287
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:08,529
No, thank you.
288
00:20:08,530 --> 00:20:11,510
I don't eat chips in the street.
289
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:16,529
Where does he eat 'em, then?
290
00:20:16,530 --> 00:20:20,929
In the quiet of his lonely room,
behind locked doors.
291
00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:24,110
Oh, no wonder
he has to wear glasses.
292
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:28,129
Right, now where's Amos?
293
00:20:28,130 --> 00:20:30,849
Oh, well...
294
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,529
he doesn't seem to be here.
295
00:20:32,530 --> 00:20:35,529
No, he
doesn't seem to be here either.
296
00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:38,789
I know he's not here,
but where is he?
297
00:20:38,790 --> 00:20:42,849
Well, maybe he's gone for a coffee.
298
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:47,189
In a bank? Oh no, not in a bank.
Who says he's in a bank?
299
00:20:47,190 --> 00:20:49,549
We left him staring at the bank.
300
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:53,990
Casing it. Eh up, casing it -
hark at The Godfather.
301
00:20:56,930 --> 00:21:01,929
Your imagination is getting
overheated, Foggy. I mean, just look at this bank.
302
00:21:01,930 --> 00:21:05,849
Any self-respecting market trader
has a wallet bigger than that.
303
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:10,769
What he's saying, Fearless,
is why should anybody come all the way from Stoke-on-Trent
304
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,950
to do a
little country bank like this? It wouldn't even pay for the petrol.
305
00:21:27,010 --> 00:21:32,269
Oh, my God, they're going to
walk straight into the waiting arms of your friend, Amos.
306
00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:33,909
Well, don't do
anything hasty, Foggy.
307
00:21:33,910 --> 00:21:38,150
I'll go and see if he's in there.
You will do nothing except under my command. This is an emergency.
308
00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:47,149
Now you will station yourself on that
corner and prevent innocent civilians from walking into the line of fire.
309
00:21:47,150 --> 00:21:49,889
Oh 'eck,
his stripes are showing again.
310
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:53,449
It's not the 5th Gurkhas
you've got to play with, Foggy,
311
00:21:53,450 --> 00:21:58,070
he's got an unemployed bad back
and I'm a redundant lino salesman.
312
00:21:59,630 --> 00:22:02,869
Just take your cue from me.
313
00:22:02,870 --> 00:22:05,670
I'm determined to seize the moment.
314
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:10,709
Halt there, man, that's far enough.
315
00:22:10,710 --> 00:22:13,430
I order you to take that
money back into the van.
316
00:22:16,090 --> 00:22:18,030
I'm on your side!
317
00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:29,009
What the hell's going on?
318
00:22:29,010 --> 00:22:31,729
It's Foggy, seizing the moment.
319
00:22:31,730 --> 00:22:34,509
Let me out of here!
320
00:22:34,510 --> 00:22:35,990
I insist you let me out.
321
00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,949
How many were they?
322
00:22:42,950 --> 00:22:46,449
Oh, just some lone desperado.
323
00:22:46,450 --> 00:22:48,709
Terrible staring eyes.
324
00:22:48,710 --> 00:22:52,469
He looked like some
sort of lunatic to me.
325
00:22:52,470 --> 00:22:54,350
Yes, yes, he did.
326
00:23:16,810 --> 00:23:20,229
For 20 minutes in there,
they were very suspicious.
327
00:23:20,230 --> 00:23:23,289
It was as though the name
Dewhurst counted for nothing.
328
00:23:23,290 --> 00:23:26,070
Didn't they know it was the
byword for being crackers?
329
00:23:27,730 --> 00:23:29,989
And where were you when
the chips were down?
330
00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:32,129
It's funny you should say that.
331
00:23:32,130 --> 00:23:38,689
Potato prices keep falling
but how often do you find that the chips are down?
332
00:23:38,690 --> 00:23:43,109
I finally established my innocence by
means of a phone call to my solicitor
333
00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:48,129
who responded promptly by saying,
"Dewhurst, do I know Dewhurst?"
334
00:23:48,130 --> 00:23:52,729
It was only when I reminded him
that I'd once tried to engage him regarding the possibility
335
00:23:52,730 --> 00:24:00,129
of our making a citizen's arrest of
one of those Russians spy trawlers that always fish inside our limits,
336
00:24:00,130 --> 00:24:05,929
it was only then that he remembered
me and he said, "Oh, that Dewhurst."
337
00:24:05,930 --> 00:24:09,169
Fine thanks you get for a
public-spirited gesture.
338
00:24:09,170 --> 00:24:10,809
Hold there, man,
339
00:24:10,810 --> 00:24:13,109
that's far enough!
340
00:24:13,110 --> 00:24:14,570
Oh, you...!
341
00:24:20,070 --> 00:24:22,849
Here, where is he, your pen friend?
342
00:24:22,850 --> 00:24:25,409
You've not lost sight
of him again, have you?
343
00:24:25,410 --> 00:24:29,009
He'll be running amok
in the High Street.
344
00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:34,349
He went back home to Stoke-on-Trent
for the rest of his natural life perhaps.
345
00:24:34,350 --> 00:24:38,349
I wonder how many ever get
paroled from Stoke-on-Trent.
346
00:24:38,350 --> 00:24:41,150
Oh, he sent his regards.
347
00:24:50,970 --> 00:24:55,990
I wonder why it is there are
some spots you can squeeze and some spots you can't.
348
00:24:57,670 --> 00:25:00,729
There are very few spots on you
one would care to squeeze.
349
00:25:00,730 --> 00:25:03,029
I meant pimples.
350
00:25:03,030 --> 00:25:04,609
Oh, how fascinating.
351
00:25:04,610 --> 00:25:09,289
We were married all them years
and never had children.
352
00:25:09,290 --> 00:25:12,210
Do you think flannelette
causes impotence?
353
00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:17,469
A funny thing about civilian life,
you can't keep your boots clean.
354
00:25:17,470 --> 00:25:19,749
Dost tha believe in acupuncture?
355
00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:22,509
For cleaning boots? No.
356
00:25:22,510 --> 00:25:24,249
For headaches.
357
00:25:24,250 --> 00:25:30,549
I believe if you had your head
stabbed often enough with a needle, it would give you a headache, yes.
358
00:25:30,550 --> 00:25:35,289
They're supposed to cure headaches.
What's all this about acupuncture and headaches?
359
00:25:35,290 --> 00:25:37,429
Have you got a headache?
360
00:25:37,430 --> 00:25:43,049
No, but I were filled
with wonder at the idea that if I did have an 'eadache,
361
00:25:43,050 --> 00:25:47,749
it could be cured in a flash
by sticking a needle in my kneecap.
362
00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:49,849
And another in your welly.
363
00:25:49,850 --> 00:25:55,829
The Chinese go about fiddling
with needles because they haven't got aspirin up to British standards.
364
00:25:55,830 --> 00:25:58,289
Well, they've got the atom bomb.
365
00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:03,369
But they've got no bombers to deliver
it with. The enemy that's due to get it will have to go and fetch it.
366
00:26:03,370 --> 00:26:05,710
It's called a Chinese takeaway.
367
00:26:07,310 --> 00:26:10,729
Are you sure your dubious
friend Amos really has gone home?
368
00:26:10,730 --> 00:26:12,949
He's gone home.
369
00:26:12,950 --> 00:26:14,949
What was he doing in the bank?
370
00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:17,449
Well, he went in to see
if they remembered him.
371
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,889
He wanted to cash a cheque.
But they wouldn't.
372
00:26:19,890 --> 00:26:21,749
Oh, so they did remember him.
373
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:25,929
It don't matter anyroad,
Cleggy cashed it for him.
374
00:26:25,930 --> 00:26:28,769
You cashed a cheque for him?
You didn't?!
375
00:26:28,770 --> 00:26:32,230
You've got to have a bit of
confidence in people, Foggy.
376
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:36,830
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