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1
00:00:34,666 --> 00:00:39,786
The older you get, the more you
see the hand of Providence in things.
2
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,857
lt sends us the heat wave,
3
00:00:42,946 --> 00:00:45,619
but not before it equips us in its mercy
4
00:00:45,706 --> 00:00:48,903
with short-sleeved flannelette vests.
5
00:00:48,986 --> 00:00:52,296
Ah! l wish
l were on a long white beach
6
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:57,176
with palm trees,
a clear blue sea and Dorothy Lamour.
7
00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:59,257
And Nora Batty.
8
00:00:59,346 --> 00:01:02,338
Why do you want Nora Batty
if you've got Dorothy Lamour?
9
00:01:02,426 --> 00:01:06,977
A bloke's got to have
a bit of grit in his diet.
10
00:01:07,066 --> 00:01:09,978
Damned attractive woman,
Dorothy Lamour.
11
00:01:10,066 --> 00:01:13,342
Can't see her taking up with
a small figure in a ferret skin
12
00:01:13,426 --> 00:01:15,781
and a pair of down-at-heel wellies.
13
00:01:15,866 --> 00:01:18,016
Better make that two ferret skins.
14
00:01:18,106 --> 00:01:20,859
But you see, machine-gun mouth,
15
00:01:20,946 --> 00:01:25,497
this is a desert island
and l'm the only bloke what's on it.
16
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:29,135
Dorothy Lamour would devote her life
to making raffia baskets
17
00:01:29,226 --> 00:01:31,945
before she'd take up with you.
18
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:37,259
Not if l rescue her from
the slimy clutches of a 40-foot octopus
19
00:01:37,346 --> 00:01:40,338
what is terrorising the natives
until they flee.
20
00:01:40,426 --> 00:01:44,624
Oh, yes? ln a fit of gratitude
she hurls herself at you?
21
00:01:44,706 --> 00:01:46,503
You get the idea.
22
00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:49,054
lnto the clutches of a five-foot octopus
23
00:01:49,146 --> 00:01:51,865
who's been terrorising
the natives round here
24
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:54,460
for as long as l can remember.
25
00:02:06,146 --> 00:02:08,262
l wish l hadn't seen that.
26
00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:11,576
You don't want to look in there.
27
00:02:11,666 --> 00:02:15,864
lt's horrible. lt's more like...yuck.
28
00:02:21,866 --> 00:02:23,379
Well?
29
00:02:24,466 --> 00:02:25,945
Nothing.
30
00:02:26,026 --> 00:02:29,496
- What do you mean, nothing?
- l mean nothing.
31
00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:32,498
ln this heat you're supposed
to feel something.
32
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:36,340
- Didn't anything stir?
- Nothing.
33
00:02:36,426 --> 00:02:38,542
lvy, it's a well-known fact
34
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:42,858
that tropical weather conditions make
European women lose control.
35
00:02:42,946 --> 00:02:45,176
We're out of raspberry ripple.
36
00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:48,262
Another bloody legend gone.
37
00:02:48,346 --> 00:02:52,862
- Yay! Ha-ha-ha!
- Oh, go away.
38
00:02:52,946 --> 00:02:57,974
There's something so unnatural
about seeing grown-up people
39
00:02:58,066 --> 00:03:00,580
holding bits of each other.
40
00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:03,976
Look how it's killed the cinema industry.
41
00:03:04,066 --> 00:03:08,537
- We're married, aren't we?
- Then there's no possible excuse.
42
00:03:08,626 --> 00:03:13,142
Sex is something precious
that you should do with the lights out
43
00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:16,298
without ever getting excited about it.
44
00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:20,504
ln the meantime,
three still lemonades with ice, please.
45
00:03:20,586 --> 00:03:24,579
- lce? You must be joking.
- Oh, let the tap run.
46
00:03:24,666 --> 00:03:27,464
- Oh, hello, Wally.
- Hello, Foggy.
47
00:03:27,546 --> 00:03:29,616
- Hello, Wally.
- How do, Compo?
48
00:03:29,706 --> 00:03:32,823
- Hello, Wally.
- Hello, Cleggy.
49
00:03:32,906 --> 00:03:35,864
Give us two teas, Sidney, please.
50
00:03:37,226 --> 00:03:39,786
ls there something
l could tempt her with?
51
00:03:39,866 --> 00:03:43,063
Wooarr! l know how tha feels.
52
00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:46,775
What does she like, apart from
being miserable and scrubbing steps?
53
00:03:46,866 --> 00:03:49,300
- She's had some bad news.
- Bad news, eh?
54
00:03:49,386 --> 00:03:52,344
l'll say this much.
She's got the face for it.
55
00:03:53,986 --> 00:03:56,546
lf there's anything we can do...
56
00:03:56,626 --> 00:04:00,539
Don't hesitate to ask.
57
00:04:00,626 --> 00:04:04,062
He'll volunteer Cleggy and me
faster than you can say...
58
00:04:04,146 --> 00:04:07,661
That'll do. l know how fast
you can say certain words.
59
00:04:07,746 --> 00:04:11,580
- We don't want any of that.
- l were only gonna say Jock Robinson.
60
00:04:11,666 --> 00:04:13,304
- No.
- Jack Ribinson.
61
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,297
- No.
- Gary Hibbertson.
62
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,417
l thought l'd bring her out.
63
00:04:18,506 --> 00:04:21,737
Have a walk round town,
take her out of herself.
64
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:25,136
- ls there owt she fancies?
- There's me.
65
00:04:26,226 --> 00:04:29,980
She'd count on her fingers
when newlyweds were having a baby.
66
00:04:30,066 --> 00:04:33,581
There must be something
an ex-military man can do.
67
00:04:33,666 --> 00:04:37,659
You'd better leave her
to get on with her depression.
68
00:04:37,746 --> 00:04:41,944
The women round here
have been trained for it all their lives.
69
00:04:42,026 --> 00:04:45,462
Pessimism is
a female Yorkshire art form.
70
00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:48,219
When you look at the men,
you can see why.
71
00:04:49,306 --> 00:04:52,582
That's right. Put her in a good mood
for the rest of the day.
72
00:04:52,666 --> 00:04:56,978
There's always a slump in my domestic
harmony after you've been in.
73
00:04:57,066 --> 00:04:59,739
l won't have you
insulting my missus in here.
74
00:04:59,826 --> 00:05:02,465
Unless you can do it very quietly.
75
00:05:02,546 --> 00:05:06,585
You know, if it weren't
for the urges of the flesh,
76
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:09,100
l could forget about women altogether.
77
00:05:09,186 --> 00:05:12,974
The types you've been out with
take some forgetting.
78
00:05:13,066 --> 00:05:17,696
l remember that one you brought
to that barbecue and dance.
79
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,220
- Oh dear.
- What's wrong with him?
80
00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:23,537
- She was very striking.
- She didn't strike me.
81
00:05:23,626 --> 00:05:26,743
- You were too quick for her.
- Oh.
82
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,501
- She came from a good home.
- For unmarried mothers.
83
00:05:30,586 --> 00:05:32,781
ls he still moaning cos she got merry?
84
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,460
Merry? Merry?
85
00:05:35,546 --> 00:05:39,539
lt's the first time l've seen
a vicar scream in mortal terror.
86
00:05:39,626 --> 00:05:42,015
Last l heard, she were in Blackpool.
87
00:05:42,106 --> 00:05:47,339
lf she goes through their hot dogs
that fast, they're in for a short season.
88
00:05:47,426 --> 00:05:52,819
We went to Blackpool for the day
when Mrs Clegg was alive.
89
00:05:52,906 --> 00:05:56,865
Hm. Funny, that.
She was usually more level-headed.
90
00:05:56,946 --> 00:06:03,021
How old do you think a bloke has to be
before the urges in the flesh die down?
91
00:06:11,426 --> 00:06:15,499
Well, speaking personally
and in my own case,
92
00:06:15,586 --> 00:06:17,542
l was nearly 37.
93
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:21,539
Cor! Right then?
94
00:06:24,266 --> 00:06:26,257
Where did you pick this bird up?
95
00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:32,501
Oh... l met her one sultry afternoon
down the betting shop.
96
00:06:32,586 --> 00:06:34,895
A marriage of true minds.
97
00:06:34,986 --> 00:06:39,377
You can see it. Holding hands
under the ''no spitting'' notice.
98
00:06:41,906 --> 00:06:45,216
l think what she needs
is another woman.
99
00:06:48,586 --> 00:06:51,305
- Sup your tea.
- Did you see that?
100
00:06:51,386 --> 00:06:56,096
l bet that's the first time he's touched her
for years except in self-defence.
101
00:06:56,186 --> 00:06:58,780
The least we can do
is offer her our services.
102
00:06:58,866 --> 00:07:02,063
Stay still. l've been
offering her mine for years.
103
00:07:02,146 --> 00:07:04,102
lvy's coming. That'll cheer her up.
104
00:07:04,186 --> 00:07:06,416
Mind out, Wally. Come on.
105
00:07:06,506 --> 00:07:08,462
What is it, love?
106
00:07:08,546 --> 00:07:11,458
- Oh, love.
107
00:07:11,546 --> 00:07:14,822
By 'eck, that's cheered her up, hasn't it?
108
00:07:14,906 --> 00:07:19,934
They seem to know instinctively
how to enjoy being sad.
109
00:07:20,026 --> 00:07:24,019
lt does women good to let
the old emotions go once in a while.
110
00:07:24,106 --> 00:07:27,098
We men have to hide them
behind a stiff upper lip.
111
00:07:27,186 --> 00:07:32,214
Stiff upper lip?
That looks like an untrimmed flue brush.
112
00:07:32,306 --> 00:07:35,378
ls nobody gonna ask him
why she's weeping?
113
00:07:35,466 --> 00:07:37,741
You don't do that kind of thing.
114
00:07:37,826 --> 00:07:41,182
- Suppose it's personal.
- They're the most interesting.
115
00:07:41,266 --> 00:07:43,302
lt's nothing personal.
116
00:07:43,386 --> 00:07:47,095
- You're supposed to use a little tact.
- Quite.
117
00:07:47,186 --> 00:07:49,939
Has she found out
tha's got another woman?
118
00:07:50,026 --> 00:07:51,778
Nery tactful.
119
00:07:51,866 --> 00:07:54,585
What do l want with another woman?
120
00:07:54,666 --> 00:07:57,658
l sometimes wonder
what you wanted with the first.
121
00:07:57,746 --> 00:07:59,737
Well, you know how it is.
122
00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:04,263
lt happened before l got
seriously interested in pigeons.
123
00:08:04,346 --> 00:08:05,859
Has tha won lately?
124
00:08:05,946 --> 00:08:08,301
l've had bad luck
with my old grey female.
125
00:08:08,386 --> 00:08:12,061
Stop talking about Nora.
l'm talking about the pigeon.
126
00:08:12,146 --> 00:08:16,458
l had a very nice second
this week with a young 'un.
127
00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:20,744
- Lovely.
- Ooh, she's gonna be a dream.
128
00:08:20,826 --> 00:08:25,946
'Ey, l get up at night sometimes
just to go out and have a look at her.
129
00:08:26,026 --> 00:08:28,335
- When l see her..
Now, then.
130
00:08:28,426 --> 00:08:31,862
- Shh.
- l worry about her.
131
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:34,699
Will nobody tell us why she's weeping?
132
00:08:34,786 --> 00:08:37,220
lt's her brother Billy in Australia.
133
00:08:37,306 --> 00:08:40,298
They say he's not gonna last
till Christmas.
134
00:08:50,786 --> 00:08:53,937
Their Billy's been dying
for the last 15 years.
135
00:08:54,026 --> 00:08:59,464
That's true. l bet there's nobody
more experienced at dying than Billy.
136
00:08:59,546 --> 00:09:03,824
Aye, but this time he seems
to have his heart set on it.
137
00:09:08,026 --> 00:09:12,065
Why's she rushing about
like that in this heat?
138
00:09:12,146 --> 00:09:15,058
Some say it's because
she's a warm-blooded creature
139
00:09:15,146 --> 00:09:17,296
full of restlessness and passion.
140
00:09:17,386 --> 00:09:19,980
Some say it's because she's crackers.
141
00:09:20,066 --> 00:09:23,422
She reckons work takes her mind off it.
142
00:09:24,786 --> 00:09:27,141
lt used to send me peculiar, l know that.
143
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:31,582
l'm surprised you can remember.
144
00:09:31,666 --> 00:09:35,978
- l've had to graft in my day.
- That was it. One day.
145
00:09:36,066 --> 00:09:38,375
l think old Foggy's had enough.
146
00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:40,457
My back went, didn't it?
147
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,856
Straight round to the bookie's
with the rest of you.
148
00:09:43,946 --> 00:09:45,857
lt seems like only yesterday
149
00:09:45,946 --> 00:09:49,336
that you two were having
this very same discussion.
150
00:09:49,426 --> 00:09:51,417
ln fact, it was only yesterday.
151
00:09:51,506 --> 00:09:53,940
He's always on at me. Gets on my wick.
152
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:55,823
'Ey up. Listen.
153
00:09:55,906 --> 00:09:58,625
- What's up?
- She's gone quiet.
154
00:09:59,826 --> 00:10:05,264
She'll be up in the bedroom brooding
over her Billy's wedding photograph.
155
00:10:05,346 --> 00:10:08,497
lf you can't get a laugh
from that, you never will.
156
00:10:08,586 --> 00:10:11,942
We'll come back later
when she's in a happier mood.
157
00:10:12,026 --> 00:10:14,665
Stay where you are.
158
00:10:14,746 --> 00:10:17,419
l've invited you here, haven't l?
159
00:10:17,506 --> 00:10:20,225
lsn't a man master in his own house?
160
00:10:24,186 --> 00:10:26,461
You never liked our Billy.
161
00:10:26,546 --> 00:10:29,299
- Neither did you.
- Not when he was well.
162
00:10:29,386 --> 00:10:31,422
Since he's been poorly l've liked him.
163
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,304
We merely came to offer our sympathy.
164
00:10:34,386 --> 00:10:38,538
And ask if you could sew a patch
on my undervest.
165
00:10:38,626 --> 00:10:42,255
- Come away!
- l have to take my shirt off in this heat!
166
00:10:42,346 --> 00:10:44,985
You should read
our Billy's pathetic letter.
167
00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:47,705
His spelling's not improved, then?
168
00:10:47,786 --> 00:10:51,017
Let's go to your house
and get you something to drink.
169
00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:53,062
Like household bleach.
170
00:10:55,826 --> 00:10:58,659
He has great difficulty in passing water.
171
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,896
Can't he move inland?
172
00:11:03,786 --> 00:11:08,302
He's only 53. What kind of an age is 53?
173
00:11:08,386 --> 00:11:11,219
As l remember, it's a lot like 52.
174
00:11:11,306 --> 00:11:13,262
lt gets taken for granted.
175
00:11:13,346 --> 00:11:17,464
You never hear anybody saying
life begins at 53.
176
00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:19,901
Why him? Why our Billy?
177
00:11:19,986 --> 00:11:22,454
l should be leaving. ls that the time?
178
00:11:22,546 --> 00:11:26,141
l ought to be home
before the dustbin lorry comes.
179
00:11:26,226 --> 00:11:29,184
You know how full of life he was,
our Billy.
180
00:11:29,266 --> 00:11:31,496
l hate missing the dustbin lorry.
181
00:11:31,586 --> 00:11:33,542
He was cited three times.
182
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:36,857
lf his friends got divorced,
they named our Billy.
183
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,985
lt's been nice talking to you, Mrs Batty.
Let go, Mrs Batty.
184
00:11:41,066 --> 00:11:44,217
Now all he dreams about is England.
185
00:11:44,306 --> 00:11:46,262
He'd be happy to go, he says,
186
00:11:46,346 --> 00:11:49,941
if he could just see
one last English Christmas.
187
00:11:51,546 --> 00:11:53,502
- What?
- That's what she said.
188
00:11:53,586 --> 00:11:56,384
One last English Christmas.
189
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,855
With a grip like death on my shirt.
190
00:11:58,946 --> 00:12:01,699
'Ey, he'll never make it.
191
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:04,016
That's right. Be constructive.
192
00:12:04,106 --> 00:12:06,062
lt stands to reason.
193
00:12:06,146 --> 00:12:11,174
lf their Billy has lost interest in chasing
birds, he's on the final decline.
194
00:12:11,266 --> 00:12:14,224
lt's embarrassing
having Nora hold your shirt.
195
00:12:14,306 --> 00:12:18,663
- She never holds mine.
- lt'd come away in her hands.
196
00:12:18,746 --> 00:12:20,816
l wouldn't mind that.
197
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:24,740
Letting her see me
all magnificent male in me vest.
198
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:30,177
Like Marlon Brando
in A Streetcar Named Desire.
199
00:12:30,266 --> 00:12:33,064
More like Dustcart Named Degenerate.
200
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:37,617
- l wouldn't say that.
- You couldn't. He said it.
201
00:12:50,066 --> 00:12:51,818
What's all this?
202
00:12:51,906 --> 00:12:55,137
Are we about to witness
some midsummer pagan rite?
203
00:12:55,226 --> 00:12:57,820
Well, it's hot. l'm having a wash.
204
00:12:57,906 --> 00:13:00,022
l never thought l'd see the day.
205
00:13:00,106 --> 00:13:02,904
- l don't do it very often.
- We've noticed.
206
00:13:02,986 --> 00:13:06,058
Oh. You're supposed to conserve water.
207
00:13:06,146 --> 00:13:10,697
You must be the water board's
least demanding customer.
208
00:13:10,786 --> 00:13:13,300
Have you got anything cold
in the fridge?
209
00:13:13,386 --> 00:13:17,140
- What fridge?
- l understood you had a fridge.
210
00:13:17,226 --> 00:13:21,697
You were making boastful claims
about having a brand-new fridge.
211
00:13:21,786 --> 00:13:26,257
You were bragging to strangers
at the coffee morning
212
00:13:26,346 --> 00:13:30,225
about the joys of making
brown ale-flavoured ice cream.
213
00:13:30,306 --> 00:13:32,024
So where's the fridge?
214
00:13:32,106 --> 00:13:34,461
He concluded that true happiness
215
00:13:34,546 --> 00:13:37,504
is not to be found
in material possessions.
216
00:13:37,586 --> 00:13:40,544
- Right.
- Oh, they've repossessed it.
217
00:13:40,626 --> 00:13:43,743
That's the last time
they get any business from me.
218
00:13:43,826 --> 00:13:49,378
lf that threat ever leaks out,
it'll send share prices tumbling.
219
00:13:50,506 --> 00:13:52,622
l think l'm losing weight.
220
00:13:53,706 --> 00:13:57,619
These trousers are getting baggier.
lt must be this hot weather.
221
00:13:57,706 --> 00:14:00,220
The hot weather
makes trousers baggier?
222
00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:03,264
No, you daft buttock.
223
00:14:03,346 --> 00:14:06,736
The hot weather makes you eat less
so you lose weight.
224
00:14:06,826 --> 00:14:09,260
So you don't really need a fridge.
225
00:14:09,346 --> 00:14:11,735
No. lt's true.
226
00:14:11,826 --> 00:14:15,216
But l like to keep me wellies in it.
227
00:14:15,306 --> 00:14:19,424
You know, when l'm having a doze
on a hot afternoon.
228
00:14:19,506 --> 00:14:22,066
They used to be lovely by four o'clock.
229
00:14:23,346 --> 00:14:25,337
lce wellies.
230
00:14:25,426 --> 00:14:29,214
That would have baffled them
at casualty on a hot afternoon
231
00:14:29,306 --> 00:14:31,900
if you'd trotted in with frostbite.
232
00:14:32,986 --> 00:14:36,342
- Wait a minute.
- 'Ey up! He's getting another idea.
233
00:14:36,426 --> 00:14:39,702
- Do you think so?
- You can tell - three stages.
234
00:14:39,786 --> 00:14:42,016
One, he goes like that,
two, he gets an idea,
235
00:14:42,106 --> 00:14:45,257
three, he looks for idiots like us
to carry it out.
236
00:14:45,346 --> 00:14:48,065
- l've got an idea.
- Oh.
237
00:14:48,146 --> 00:14:51,616
- Where are you going?
- Leave the door on the latch.
238
00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:54,539
The least you could do is listen to it.
239
00:14:54,626 --> 00:14:58,938
Come back. That man! Come back.
240
00:15:13,226 --> 00:15:15,262
l thought we'd lost him.
241
00:15:15,346 --> 00:15:17,655
A Dewhurst never gives up.
242
00:15:17,746 --> 00:15:20,260
There's a bit of Labrador
in him somewhere.
243
00:15:20,346 --> 00:15:24,100
Ah! l were wondering about his ears.
244
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:29,496
l suppose you two know
you look ridiculous over there?
245
00:15:29,586 --> 00:15:34,341
lt's lovely standing here
on the cliff edge with the wind whistling.
246
00:15:34,426 --> 00:15:38,101
That's the first time
l've been cool all day.
247
00:15:38,186 --> 00:15:40,461
l tracked you down
from the end of the lane.
248
00:15:40,546 --> 00:15:45,495
Broken twigs, imprints of a welly.
All a trained observer needs.
249
00:15:45,586 --> 00:15:48,703
And the fact that we told you
we were coming up here.
250
00:15:48,786 --> 00:15:52,620
Ah. You didn't say
exactly where, did you?
251
00:15:52,706 --> 00:15:55,220
What's all this brave talk
about a cliff edge?
252
00:15:55,306 --> 00:15:59,345
Both standing there fearlessly
at a drop of two-foot-six.
253
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:02,259
We tried bigger drops. Too scary.
254
00:16:02,346 --> 00:16:06,498
Where did you two pluck up
the courage to find a bigger drop?
255
00:16:20,626 --> 00:16:24,380
We found the bigger drop
just where you jumped, Foggy.
256
00:16:29,026 --> 00:16:32,780
Fools! You could have killed me.
257
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,857
We can do better than that.
258
00:16:34,946 --> 00:16:36,982
And to show tha's in good hands,
259
00:16:37,066 --> 00:16:39,341
l am just about to give thee
260
00:16:39,426 --> 00:16:43,738
Yorkshire's most unforgettable
kiss of life.
261
00:16:46,426 --> 00:16:48,496
Over my dead body.
262
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,019
With the aid of my cine camera
263
00:16:57,106 --> 00:17:00,496
we'll make a short film
as though it's Christmas
264
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:04,374
so that Nora's poor brother
can have his last wish.
265
00:17:07,386 --> 00:17:11,425
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have
the kiss of life, Foggy?
266
00:17:11,506 --> 00:17:14,304
Christmas? ln the middle
of a flamin' heat wave?
267
00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:18,015
lt's the sort of deception
the camera could do superbly.
268
00:17:18,106 --> 00:17:22,975
ln the hands of someone
with the necessary technical flair.
269
00:17:23,066 --> 00:17:26,342
You've got about as much flair
as a duck in slippers.
270
00:17:26,426 --> 00:17:29,065
How the hell will you kid anyone
it's Christmas?
271
00:17:29,146 --> 00:17:31,660
The Chamber of Commerce
does it every year.
272
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:36,820
- l don't like Christmas.
- You might in midsummer.
273
00:17:36,906 --> 00:17:39,784
l thought it was something we could do.
274
00:17:39,866 --> 00:17:42,426
And speaking as a visual artist,
275
00:17:42,506 --> 00:17:45,498
l find the challenge is stimulating.
276
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,623
You'll find yourself locked up
with ideas like that
277
00:17:48,706 --> 00:17:51,504
that have the authentic ring of stupidity.
278
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:54,020
Go careful. He's very good at stupidity.
279
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:56,745
For goodness' sake,
stop making difficulties.
280
00:17:56,826 --> 00:18:00,216
lf it'll bring pleasure to
a poor lonely soul in Australia,
281
00:18:00,306 --> 00:18:02,262
we ought to give it a try.
282
00:18:02,346 --> 00:18:04,735
lt's such a dozy idea.
283
00:18:04,826 --> 00:18:07,181
l think it's a good idea.
284
00:18:08,266 --> 00:18:12,418
Now we're all agreed it's a good idea,
let's get on with it.
285
00:18:12,506 --> 00:18:15,657
l shall need a megaphone
and a chair with my name across it.
286
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,896
Cecil B De Dewhurst.
287
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:23,625
Christmas. Some dozy bird turns up
288
00:18:23,706 --> 00:18:26,857
with a bit of butter and a packet of tea.
289
00:18:26,946 --> 00:18:31,815
When all a bloke like me wants
from a woman full of Christian charity
290
00:18:31,906 --> 00:18:35,137
is a little bit of a tumble
on me lonely sofa.
291
00:18:37,546 --> 00:18:41,585
Anyway, think what it would
save her on wrapping paper.
292
00:18:42,946 --> 00:18:46,700
Wait, wait. Put me down.
293
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:52,575
Listen. Before you toss me
over that wall, ask yourselves.
294
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:54,019
Now what is it?
295
00:18:54,106 --> 00:18:57,257
Why is it l'm being tossed over
and not thee?
296
00:18:57,346 --> 00:18:59,814
Because you're the right weight.
297
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:02,374
Oh.
298
00:19:02,466 --> 00:19:07,859
And if anything goes wrong,
you're dressed for an accident.
299
00:19:07,946 --> 00:19:09,664
l never thought of that.
300
00:19:09,746 --> 00:19:11,657
Come on.
301
00:19:11,746 --> 00:19:13,702
Wait. Wait.
302
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,944
How do we know
there's any holly over there?
303
00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:21,257
There's always holly
in an old churchyard.
304
00:19:21,346 --> 00:19:25,862
lf you went to church more often,
you might notice that kind of thing.
305
00:19:27,306 --> 00:19:31,822
He might notice that everybody
that goes to church regularly
306
00:19:31,906 --> 00:19:34,579
seems to finish up dead
in the graveyard.
307
00:19:36,666 --> 00:19:39,134
Come on, then. Get hold of him.
308
00:19:50,946 --> 00:19:54,416
They gave Hillary
a medal for this, you know.
309
00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:08,775
Can we have our ball back, please?
310
00:20:17,186 --> 00:20:19,495
Where did you get this tree?
311
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:23,022
One of the small branches
of the Forestry Commission.
312
00:20:24,626 --> 00:20:28,539
- You thieved it?
- Where are we gonna buy one?
313
00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:30,821
Oh, my God. They thieved it.
314
00:20:30,906 --> 00:20:33,864
lt's only one branch.
They've got a whole forest.
315
00:20:33,946 --> 00:20:37,018
Suppose everybody
was to take just one branch?
316
00:20:37,106 --> 00:20:39,256
lt'd look like a bundle of toothpicks.
317
00:20:39,346 --> 00:20:43,225
They're all out there
desperate for a Christmas tree,
318
00:20:43,306 --> 00:20:45,536
the woods are swarming with them.
319
00:20:45,626 --> 00:20:48,902
l will not have you thieving things.
320
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:53,138
We left a pound note in
an envelope pinned to the tree.
321
00:20:53,226 --> 00:20:57,139
- You didn't?
- We did.
322
00:21:05,266 --> 00:21:08,064
75p would have been
more than enough.
323
00:21:17,546 --> 00:21:21,539
- lt's too hot to play any more.
- We ought to have finished the set.
324
00:21:21,626 --> 00:21:26,063
lt'd be suicidal. Me trying
to jump the net in...this weather.
325
00:21:26,146 --> 00:21:28,102
Be with you in a minute.
326
00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:30,780
Merry Christmas.
327
00:21:36,146 --> 00:21:37,864
l bet they've got holly.
328
00:21:37,946 --> 00:21:43,498
And l bet they've got this huge thing
with great teeth and a fierce growl.
329
00:21:43,586 --> 00:21:46,100
And that's only the lady of the house.
330
00:21:46,186 --> 00:21:48,495
l'm not going in there.
331
00:21:48,586 --> 00:21:51,862
l'm fed up of being slung over walls.
332
00:21:51,946 --> 00:21:54,301
That bride's mother got quite nasty.
333
00:21:54,386 --> 00:21:59,016
What is it about Christmas
that can stir level-headed people
334
00:21:59,106 --> 00:22:01,620
into suddenly drinking British sherry?
335
00:22:01,706 --> 00:22:04,857
People like these are used to
dealing with their own kind.
336
00:22:04,946 --> 00:22:07,016
Obviously l shall go in there
337
00:22:07,106 --> 00:22:09,984
- while you two stay out here.
- Obviously.
338
00:22:10,066 --> 00:22:14,503
What makes you think
they'll sell thee a pound's worth of holly?
339
00:22:14,586 --> 00:22:17,419
Good manners.
The way you approach people.
340
00:22:17,506 --> 00:22:19,861
There's still a place for social graces.
341
00:22:19,946 --> 00:22:22,744
There a dozen little signs
342
00:22:22,826 --> 00:22:26,535
by which they'll recognise me
as one of their own kind.
343
00:22:26,626 --> 00:22:30,062
And the biggest sign of all
would be thee on tha knees
344
00:22:30,146 --> 00:22:32,102
crawling for all tha's worth.
345
00:22:34,306 --> 00:22:36,262
Well.
346
00:22:39,946 --> 00:22:43,256
They say adultery
makes your knees sore.
347
00:22:43,346 --> 00:22:45,098
Who said that?
348
00:22:45,186 --> 00:22:49,816
l remember Tommy Warburton
emptying his soul of such details
349
00:22:49,906 --> 00:22:54,422
at that depressing corner table
in the taproom of the Queen's.
350
00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:56,701
lt was the night before they took him off
351
00:22:56,786 --> 00:23:00,699
to work their surgical magic
on his haemorrhoids.
352
00:23:00,786 --> 00:23:03,858
They say it's haunted, that table.
353
00:23:03,946 --> 00:23:07,905
They say anybody who sits there
for an hour gets suicidal.
354
00:23:07,986 --> 00:23:10,819
Well, Tommy was in a gloomy mood.
355
00:23:10,906 --> 00:23:15,502
l think it's that draught
from the door to the gents.
356
00:23:15,586 --> 00:23:18,339
lt was when he swore
to give up his relationship
357
00:23:18,426 --> 00:23:20,382
with a certain married woman.
358
00:23:20,466 --> 00:23:24,425
Fancy giving them up
when they're certain!
359
00:23:26,386 --> 00:23:30,345
Later l understand he tried
the consolations of religion.
360
00:23:30,426 --> 00:23:33,862
- Did it do any good?
- lt was all right so far.
361
00:23:33,946 --> 00:23:37,621
Then he found that too much praying
made his knees sore.
362
00:23:39,506 --> 00:23:44,102
The human frame is designed for
moderation in all things.
363
00:23:45,586 --> 00:23:48,623
But l feel sorry for
those medical gentlemen
364
00:23:48,706 --> 00:23:53,496
who, despite years of expensive training,
not to mention tailoring,
365
00:23:53,586 --> 00:23:56,339
still have to foregather
on summer mornings
366
00:23:56,426 --> 00:24:00,214
around the hindquarters
of people like Tommy Warburton,
367
00:24:00,306 --> 00:24:04,504
charming as he may be
from almost any other direction.
368
00:24:04,586 --> 00:24:08,864
Will it have any berries on it
at this time of the year?
369
00:24:08,946 --> 00:24:11,460
'Ey up! He's got a sprig or two.
370
00:24:14,506 --> 00:24:18,181
What's this?
We told you to get some holly.
371
00:24:18,266 --> 00:24:20,826
Not a pair of pipe cleaners.
372
00:24:20,906 --> 00:24:23,136
Why didn't you get a pound's worth?
373
00:24:23,226 --> 00:24:25,376
This is a pound's worth.
374
00:24:25,466 --> 00:24:28,856
What? She took that quid?
The whole lot?
375
00:24:28,946 --> 00:24:33,144
'Ey up! No wonder
you live in a big house!
376
00:24:33,226 --> 00:24:37,458
You great dollop! Why didn't you belt
her one and pinch some more?
377
00:24:37,546 --> 00:24:40,458
That is not a gentleman's way.
378
00:24:44,426 --> 00:24:48,942
You've got to admit, Compo,
there's something almost breathtaking
379
00:24:49,026 --> 00:24:53,497
about that haughty contempt for
the economic facts of life.
380
00:24:53,586 --> 00:24:56,180
You'd think he'd be nationalised.
381
00:24:56,266 --> 00:25:00,100
Compo? Compo? Compo?
382
00:25:04,706 --> 00:25:06,981
- He wouldn't?
- Not in broad daylight.
383
00:25:07,066 --> 00:25:12,220
- You should have watched him.
- He's probably gone home.
384
00:25:12,306 --> 00:25:14,342
That's what he'd have done.
385
00:25:14,426 --> 00:25:19,136
He wouldn't be stealing holly in people's
gardens in broad daylight, would he?
386
00:25:22,346 --> 00:25:24,576
Even he wouldn't.
387
00:25:24,666 --> 00:25:26,622
Would he?
388
00:25:30,706 --> 00:25:32,059
Good grief.
389
00:25:35,226 --> 00:25:36,579
Come on.
390
00:25:51,586 --> 00:25:53,258
No. No.
391
00:25:53,346 --> 00:25:56,463
Look, try holding these.
392
00:25:56,546 --> 00:25:59,219
Right. Now, l want you to smile.
393
00:25:59,306 --> 00:26:01,262
A nice big smile.
394
00:26:01,346 --> 00:26:05,578
As though you've just had
a lovely big Christmas dinner.
395
00:26:05,666 --> 00:26:09,295
You're replete, relaxed, content.
396
00:26:09,386 --> 00:26:12,344
How much longer? l'm boiling.
397
00:26:12,426 --> 00:26:14,815
Shut up and do it for our Billy.
398
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:17,739
lf you're told to smile, smile.
399
00:26:21,866 --> 00:26:26,576
No, no, l want a nice big
after-dinner smile,
400
00:26:26,666 --> 00:26:28,736
not a spasm of indigestion.
401
00:26:29,986 --> 00:26:35,777
Let's try a nice big smile, shall we?
402
00:26:35,866 --> 00:26:38,778
Now, come along, a big smile.
403
00:26:39,906 --> 00:26:41,862
Big Christmas smile, that man!
404
00:26:45,466 --> 00:26:48,583
My ferret smiles more than Wally.
405
00:26:48,666 --> 00:26:51,180
Mark you, it's got summat
to smile about.
406
00:26:51,266 --> 00:26:53,382
l use it for breeding.
407
00:26:53,466 --> 00:26:55,377
Action.
408
00:26:55,466 --> 00:26:58,981
Wally, l want you to reach out
and take one,
409
00:26:59,066 --> 00:27:01,705
slowly, savouring every moment.
410
00:27:03,706 --> 00:27:05,936
Oh, they've all melted!
411
00:27:11,186 --> 00:27:14,815
lt's like dipping your fingers in chutney.
412
00:27:15,986 --> 00:27:19,262
Don't wipe it on your clean hanky!
413
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,814
Leave him alone, woman. lt's Christmas.
414
00:27:21,906 --> 00:27:25,137
No. lt's not Christmas.
415
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:29,014
l think we need a change.
A completely different scene.
416
00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,937
Whitsuntide?
417
00:27:31,026 --> 00:27:36,658
Yes, l think l've got all
the atmosphere l can get here. Ow!
418
00:27:36,746 --> 00:27:40,659
That looked fairly atmospheric.
419
00:27:40,746 --> 00:27:45,058
Oh. l hope you haven't nipped
your career in the bud, Foggy.
420
00:27:46,186 --> 00:27:49,496
- Cecil B.
- Ooh, yeah.
421
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:05,063
We'd like to have something very light.
Perhaps with salad.
422
00:28:05,146 --> 00:28:08,377
You'll have turkey
and plum pudding and like it.
423
00:28:10,626 --> 00:28:12,981
Two turkey and plum pudding, please.
424
00:28:16,746 --> 00:28:18,941
That man, come closer.
425
00:28:21,546 --> 00:28:23,502
Look, would you er...
426
00:28:43,146 --> 00:28:46,422
Are you wearing your winter hose
or your summer hose?
427
00:28:46,506 --> 00:28:49,225
Look, get on with it.
428
00:28:49,306 --> 00:28:54,334
Keep that space for me.
l'm setting a ten-second delay.
429
00:29:00,466 --> 00:29:04,015
Right. Well, here we go.
430
00:29:05,466 --> 00:29:08,503
And...action. Snow.
431
00:29:14,826 --> 00:29:16,782
Agh!
432
00:29:20,026 --> 00:29:22,256
- What's he saying?
- l don't know.
433
00:29:22,346 --> 00:29:25,065
But it doesn't sound
like a merry Christmas.
434
00:29:25,146 --> 00:29:28,377
l'm stuck. The window's stuck.
435
00:29:28,466 --> 00:29:31,697
They're in a terrible state,
them sash cords.
436
00:29:31,786 --> 00:29:34,016
How many times have l told you?
437
00:29:34,106 --> 00:29:38,622
Where can you find anybody
these days to mend sash cords?
438
00:29:38,706 --> 00:29:42,176
That's right enough.
There isn't any craftsmen left.
439
00:29:42,266 --> 00:29:44,860
And you wouldn't be able to afford 'em.
440
00:29:44,946 --> 00:29:48,825
Would you mind postponing
this discussion on the industry
441
00:29:48,906 --> 00:29:51,101
until you've got me out of this window?
442
00:29:53,586 --> 00:29:55,895
ls tha back crushed?
443
00:29:55,986 --> 00:29:59,535
lt's morbid idiots like you
that gawp at air crashes.
444
00:29:59,626 --> 00:30:01,582
Can you wiggle your toes?
445
00:30:01,666 --> 00:30:06,023
Do you have to pass a test
before they'll let you out?
446
00:30:06,106 --> 00:30:09,496
lf you can wiggle your toes,
your spinal column is all right.
447
00:30:09,586 --> 00:30:14,785
l'm not injured,
it's just getting a bit boring being here.
448
00:30:14,866 --> 00:30:17,426
Get a ladder and push
the window up from the outside
449
00:30:17,506 --> 00:30:19,462
while l push it from the inside.
450
00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:22,702
What we want is a ladder.
451
00:30:22,786 --> 00:30:25,220
Someone can push it up
from the outside
452
00:30:25,306 --> 00:30:27,615
while Sid pushes it up from the inside.
453
00:30:27,706 --> 00:30:31,494
l don't know how
you think up these schemes.
454
00:30:35,666 --> 00:30:39,295
Fix them sash cords!
l've told him a thousand times.
455
00:30:41,666 --> 00:30:44,339
l have to ask you ladies to move.
456
00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:47,702
You don't want to be crushed
by a falling ladder.
457
00:30:48,906 --> 00:30:51,704
You be careful
if you're going up that ladder.
458
00:30:51,786 --> 00:30:54,175
l'm not going up any ladder.
459
00:30:58,226 --> 00:31:02,299
Let's take it back here
where the pavement's more smooth.
460
00:31:02,386 --> 00:31:06,140
Come on. To me. Back.
461
00:31:06,226 --> 00:31:09,821
lt's no good here.
Take it back. Take it back.
462
00:31:09,906 --> 00:31:12,261
Well, lift it.
463
00:31:13,866 --> 00:31:15,822
Are you playing best of three?
464
00:31:15,906 --> 00:31:20,536
Come out of the way.
What are you trying to do, kill him?
465
00:31:20,626 --> 00:31:24,824
All right, don't worry.
lt'll be all right now. That's about it.
466
00:31:39,746 --> 00:31:42,419
l want a volunteer. l'm proud of you.
467
00:31:42,506 --> 00:31:45,498
- Get his coat off.
- Wait a minute.
468
00:31:45,586 --> 00:31:47,941
- l haven't volunteered.
- Don't make a fuss.
469
00:31:48,026 --> 00:31:51,701
l haven't volunteered for anything.
What are you...?
470
00:31:51,786 --> 00:31:54,584
l haven't volunteered...
Who volunteered?
471
00:31:54,666 --> 00:31:57,703
- Come on, get up.
- l get all these jobs.
472
00:32:02,186 --> 00:32:04,256
He's ripped a hole in his trousers.
473
00:32:04,346 --> 00:32:07,179
- Don't look.
- l'm trying not to.
474
00:32:07,266 --> 00:32:11,305
But it draws you
like something mysterious.
475
00:32:11,386 --> 00:32:14,219
lt's just this unusual angle.
476
00:32:14,306 --> 00:32:16,058
Have l got it?
477
00:32:16,146 --> 00:32:20,025
lt's not for either of us
to pass an opinion on.
478
00:32:20,106 --> 00:32:22,415
Never mind your rear numberplate.
479
00:32:22,506 --> 00:32:25,066
You'll need both hands for this window.
480
00:32:25,146 --> 00:32:26,898
What about showing me rear?
481
00:32:26,986 --> 00:32:29,898
Forget about
that other window on the world.
482
00:32:29,986 --> 00:32:32,295
lt's a question of priorities.
483
00:32:32,386 --> 00:32:35,935
Come down, that man. Slowly.
Or turn to face your front.
484
00:32:36,026 --> 00:32:38,017
Stop interfering, Foggy.
485
00:32:38,106 --> 00:32:42,384
Who knows, one day he may
expose himself for England.
486
00:32:42,466 --> 00:32:45,776
Just you keep hold of that ladder!
487
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:55,257
Push! Push!
488
00:32:55,346 --> 00:32:57,780
l am pushing!
489
00:33:00,666 --> 00:33:03,100
Telegram here from Australia.
490
00:33:05,026 --> 00:33:07,176
lt's about your Billy.
491
00:33:09,106 --> 00:33:10,937
He's a lot better.
492
00:33:11,026 --> 00:33:13,062
He's run off with his nurse.
493
00:33:13,146 --> 00:33:16,536
There's not much point
in her reading it now.
494
00:33:20,906 --> 00:33:24,501
Help me in. l can't go down
hanging out me trousers.
495
00:33:33,946 --> 00:33:38,098
lt's our Billy! lt's our Billy!
He's up and about again.
496
00:33:38,186 --> 00:33:41,622
Oh, great.
A merry Christmas to your Billy.
497
00:33:43,266 --> 00:33:45,734
Sure it was a Colorado beetle?
498
00:33:45,826 --> 00:33:49,819
Listen, frog face, l've seen
enough priests' notice boards
499
00:33:49,906 --> 00:33:52,545
to know what
a Colorado beetle looks like.
500
00:33:52,626 --> 00:33:54,344
We must find it.
501
00:33:54,426 --> 00:33:57,259
Rather than risk life and limb
up there, Foggy,
502
00:33:57,346 --> 00:33:59,337
why not wait for it to come down?
503
00:33:59,426 --> 00:34:01,621
No, we must find it.
504
00:34:03,386 --> 00:34:08,665
They go through vegetation like
socialism goes through money.
505
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:12,421
What do you know
about the wonders of nature?
506
00:34:12,506 --> 00:34:17,102
He was the only one
in our school who failed dirty jokes.
507
00:34:17,186 --> 00:34:18,938
Listen, Foggy.
508
00:34:19,026 --> 00:34:20,982
lf tha don't come down,
509
00:34:21,066 --> 00:34:25,298
can l have thy Hitler Youth dagger
with the blood on it?
510
00:34:25,386 --> 00:34:28,742
These pests are very destructive.
511
00:34:28,826 --> 00:34:32,819
Aha! The little red devils!
512
00:34:32,906 --> 00:34:37,582
Red?! Colorado beetles
are black and yellow.
513
00:34:37,666 --> 00:34:42,262
Oh, the one l saw
were red with little black spots.
514
00:34:44,306 --> 00:34:47,378
Let's go and get
a bit of sausage for me tea, eh?
515
00:35:02,706 --> 00:35:05,061
Come on, give us a hand.
516
00:35:05,111 --> 00:35:09,661
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