All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s03e02 Mending Stuarts Leg.eng

I made a very useful contact
yesterday

if you should be in the market
for any offcuts of polystyrene.

I don't know how you do it, Foggy.

Being in the right place
at the right time.

Hey, let's pop in and explain
our rules to t' new librarian.

You wouldn't see a fighting man
lurching about as clumsy as that, you know.

No, it's all done on the...

on the balls of the feet.

But he moves with all the grace
of a dislocated elbow.

He's just a child of nature.

Do you think so?

Well, they never traced his father.

He strikes me more as a creature
of impulse -

horrible, unsightly ones.

CLATTERING

Get out! Go on, out you go!

And stay out!

Until you've learned to conduct
yourself

in accordance with the bylaws.

Oh, you ARE firm, Mr Wainwright!

You'll get used to my...fierce ways,
Miss Moody.

I've dealt with him before.
And when I heard I was being transferred back here,

I used to indulge
in a little dream...

that he might have emigrated!

Or stumbled in the path
of an articulated vehicle.

I'm glad old Shagnasty's back.

It's terminology like that
that gets us barred from places.

I never thought I'd see the day
when a Dewhurst was unwelcome at a seat of learning.

Isn't it nice that old Wainwright
recognised you straightaway?

When you come up here, you realise
how small a creature Man is.

And you wonder why he should be
standing on other people's feet.

Oh, sorry!

It's all right.

He's got no control
over them wellies.

They're as soft as an old glove!

Very suitable for wearing
on the feet, old gloves(!)

You know, it's so quiet up here,

you could hear the rustle of
a fag packet being handed round.

Speaking as an athlete, of course,
I don't approve of cigarettes.

Have a peppermint.
I don't smoke peppermints.

If you must smoke at all,
why don't you roll your own, like you do your trousers?

What's up with me trousers?

Well, I realise you're a socialist,
but you could get yourself another pair.

You don't have to wait for the
council to pull the old ones down.

Plenty of life in them yet!
I'm not surprised - look at the number of ways you can get in.

Do you think Foggy reckons
I'm scruffy?

It's just that he doesn't look
beyond the surface,

where you are, more or less, foul.

Oh...

Hey, Foggy!

Hey, Foggy, do you reckon
I'm scruffy?

Foggy?

He's gone again.

Foggy!

Are we going to stand here all day?!
Well, we could go back to town

and mend Stuart's leg. What, again?

Oh, well, if that's the way you feel
about it, what do YOU suggest? You're always mending Stuart's leg.

I know, I know -
I think it's a challenge.

I've just about had enough of you!

IVY CONTINUES TO SHOUT

My mother told me!
I should have listened!

Morning, Sid. Morning.

Will you get on with that roof?!

I could have married any one of six
different birds, you know!

In my early 20s, I had quite
a modest range of choice.

Right through to that dinky bird
called Watkins...

Well, not exactly THROUGH that dinky
bird called Watkins, but...

we were close.

I should have listened to my mother!

You what?! Nobody had any other
choice BUT to listen to your mother!

Well, she had YOU taped! Taped!

She had me roped and tied
before I could say no to a piece of fruit cake.

Just look at you!

What's up?

You're like a derelict shed!

I thought you'd have made something
of yourself. Oh...

is that all?
The way you were frowning,

I thought my flies were undone.

There is no need to be coarse.

We can't all be suave
and sophisticated, you know.

There isn't enough plates
for us both to throw.

Oh, you make me that mad,
I don't know.

If I'd had kids...

What makes you think your aim's going
to be any better throwing kids...(?)

You always have to have
the last word! ..Oh, hello.

Another male person in overalls,
no doubt in a desperate hurry

to get back to his honest labours.
No, there's no rush, love. I bet there's no rush, love!

Take no notice.
What can we get for you?

I want six meat pies to take out
and can you fill my flask? Of course.

Don't go pouring boiling tea
in that thing until you've shouted down the hole.

There might be one of his workmates
curled up snugly in the bottom,

having himself the English male
siesta.

You know, the one that lasts
from nine till five!

Take no notice.

DOOR SLAMS

Yours? Aye.

Wouldn't it have been quicker
just to cut your throat? Happen.

I think you must have nerves
of steel.

There's a sense of superiority.

Aye, you deserve a medal.

I stopped hitting her
on moral grounds...

when she nearly broke my jaw.

We have our good times.

If I can get three barley wines
down her,

it's as if flowers have suddenly
started blooming in the desert.

There's your pies. Aye, cheers.

We bring greetings from the great
white catering public beyond the counter.

Has...has Stuart been in yet?
No, not yet.

Sidney, do you want any offcuts
of polystyrene?

Well, if ever you do, you just...
you just give me the word.

How's your good lady?

Depressing. She's a bit
temperamental, cos I won't go up on the roof.

Why doesn't she get a weathercock
like anybody else(?)

We've got some slates off.
The last big wind?

Just about sums her up.

She's got a nice bust, though.

A-hem!

Well, in a roly-poly sort of way,
you know.

Personally, I thought that last
remark came within a hair's breadth

of being in bad taste.

And talking in terms of bad taste,
did you know Shagnasty's back? Who?

You remember Wainwright, the
left-wing, lecherous librarian.

He spends his days dreaming
of revolution.

And his nights dreaming of other
men's wives. Oh, THAT Wainwright.

So, Sidney, you have been warned!

I should be so lucky!

We're looking for Stuart.
I've got this idea to mend his leg.

What, again?

Some people have loose slates,
and some people have loose legs.

Anyway, we welcome a challenge.

Do you want a cuppa?

Not that sort of a challenge.

You don't have to refuse my tea
as fast at that!

At least you could pretend to be
tempted and think about it.

Oh, Nora Batty!

Control yourself!

Oh! You've never had his hands
scratching feverishly at your back kitchen window

when he knows your husband's out!
That's true. I'm sure we would have remembered...

Yeah, that must have had some fun
on VE night!

One night!
The world was upside down.

My place still is. Why don't you pop
in with a neighbourly feather duster? Oh...

Phwoar, look at them wrinkled
stockings!

I'm going to stop insulting thee
unless tha does something about them legs.

She makes her point very fluently
with that handbag.

She used to be gay enough as a lass.

I blame her husband.
He put her right off men.

Of course, it couldn't be that she
finds you scruffy and repulsive?

I don't see why.

He's quite smart and she hates him.

No!

I just egg her on a bit.

Brings a bit of colour
in to her life.

A sort of muddy-brown.

'ey up! It's Stuart!

I think he knows.

Would you mind not yorping out
in the street like that?

The only thing he never
tears is his vocal chords!

I read in the paper

that people who speak soft are below
average in their love life!

R-rubbish, is that!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Hello, old boy! How's the leg?

Wildly undisciplined.

Good!

That used to be a knee
I could rely on.

It's taken me all over.

Did it make any difference the last
time they tried to jerk it straight for you?

Oh, yes. For three days
I was in intolerable pain!

Right, so obviously traction
is not the answer.

If it's only a cartilage, maybe
you should have it operated on.

I am not having Macpherson
cutting me.

He's only just lost his license.

That were for driving!

Not for surgery.

When he has gateposts
half a mile apart,

he still can't miss with
a Mini 1000.

I don't feel inclined to let him
loose with a knife inside my knee.

Yet he has this beautiful
chalk-stripe suit,

which must inspire a lot of
surgical confidence.

He took our Annie's appendix out.

That's more believable than anybody
taking your Annie out.

She misses the Yanks.

She didn't miss many
when they were here.

She could have gone to a ranch
in Texas.

So could Ibbotson's pony.

I imagine Texas as a kind of
very large quarry.

I'd go there tomorrow.

Can we have that in writing?

Yes, for a visit!

Oh, well it would be for a visit.

I can't see you fleeing the long arm
of National Assistance.

Have we come here to discuss my leg
or haven't we?

You are right, Stuart. We are here
primarily on behalf of your leg.

Where does it hurt, Stu?
Yes, show us.

Ah, well.

Ow!

It's diagonally across this centre,
you see?

Just about there.

STUART SCREAMS
Yes, that seems to be it.

He's got an extra lump here.

Have you got an extra lump here?

Not as far as I'm aware of, no.

I haven't got...
Have you got an extra lump?

No, no. Have you got an extra lump?

No, I haven't but
I tell you what I have got,

I've got a haricot vein.

It's a very pretty colour, isn't it?
It's like an Ordnance Survey map.

What the hell's going on?
Is the tide coming in?

It's just that Stuart
seems to have this extra lump.

Just the thing to make my customers
feel at ease.

I think I should have one.

It's not contagious!

No, it's just a simple,
mechanical...

CRACKING

..Treacherous, evil-minded,
badly-lubricated

mess of bone and gristle.

Sorry! Curry's off!

But I'm going to master it.

Ah, that's the spirit, Stuart.

Can't go through life with
an undisciplined leg.

What I want to know is,

if this is your left leg,

when you turn round,
why isn't it your right?

Never mind frivolous
as an observation.

But to me, the wonders of
existenceare confined is such little mysteries

as, why is Ivy staring
at us through that hatch?

WHISTLES

Yes, well, I see there's
been another failure in soviet agriculture.

Yes, they should never have
destroyed the cool act.

I used to greenfly, you know.

It'll be dark by nightfall.

You're never going to
find a ladder stuck there.

Well, I've got to see
to the customers.

Not right up their legs,
you haven't.

Hey, have a feel of his knee.

Not likely! Go on!
He's got a loose lump.

Just floats about like that.
you watch...

When I press his knee,
his mouth opens.

Now, watch...

What's your diagnoses?

It wants pushing back
with a warm teaspoon.

Teaspoon. Teaspoon. Teaspoon.

How warm a teaspoon, doctor?
No warmer than a fine old burgundy.

And when have you had
a fine old burgundy?

Never, but your patient's entitled
to a bit of bedside manner.

Doctor? Yes. Will it stop the click?

Click?

Click? What click?

You never mentioned a click.
Are you sure you don't mean a clonk?

No, a click. Oh, a clonk-click.
Every trip.

Every time I walk!

We'd better have a listen, then we
might be able to diagnose it better.

Now, Stuart,
I want you to walk up and down

quite naturally and we'll listen.

But it clicks, I tell you,
it clicks.

We believe you, Stuart,
you look like the sort of man who might easily have a click.

Well, I ought to know
if the damn thing clicks.

Righto. Now, we'll listen. We'll get
closer. Let's get some chairs.

THEY MUMBLE

Right then. Look, wait, wait, wait.
Righto now.

Comfy now? Right.

Right then...

Where is he?

Oh, you're there! Come on, come on,
get round here.

Walked up and down like a toad,
come on, pull yourself together.

Now listen! Yes, all right.

I cant' here nothing, can you?

What a waste
of perfectly good clicks.

Me uncle had this leg...
Just the one?

It used to click. What was it?

Deathwatch beetle.

In his leg?

Mmm-hmm. His wooden one.

I know Sid's Cafe,
we'll be able to say.

The bijou sophisticated night spot.

We used to go there and listen
to Stuart's clicks.

Aye. They don't write clicks
like that anymore.

Listen... We'll be able to say,
"They're playing our click."

I get no clicks form champagne...

If you're not interested, I shall
take my clicks somewhere else.

No, it's all right,
Stuart we'll kneel down. Come on.

Kneel down and then Stuart
can pass within a faction of an inch of our ears.

I think ears are very interesting.
Have you ever thought that if they

were more square, how the corners
would tend to cut the pillow?

I just thought I'd mention it.

He left it out one night.

Who left what?

His wooden leg, me uncle Wilf.

Deathwatch beetle got in...

sawdust all over the bed.

Can we get on now?

This is the last time!

I'm not walking up and down here
clicking for you lot all day.

Come on, get on with it. Right.

Clickety click!

Get out!

SHE SIGHS

Women's Lib?

You think we need
an act of parliament to be the equal of you lot?

Ooh, it makes me poorly.

The only distinguishing factor
about the male sex

is that he's got more in histrousers
than he's got in his head.

What it's got in it's trousers
it can keep for me.

It seems a little less long
if you have a decent lunch.

I'll take you to
a little place I know.

I usually bring sandwiches.

We'll have those at teatime.

You've got a big appetite,
Mr Wainwright.

A man of colossal appetites
Miss Moody.

HE YELPS

Hey, you could be lucky there.

HE GIGGLES

Company, halt. Let her down.

Hold on to the end.

Now we lift it. Come on.
That's it. get hold of it.

Put me down!

Put me down!

Get off it, will you?

I can't I'm stuck.

It's heavy enough without
you swinging about on it.

Well, I didn't expect you to stick
it up me jumper, did I?

Close your mouth before
it gets wedged in there.

Come on, up again.

Oh! Oh, me knee.

Me knee.

Oh, God, now what?

This is not the highly trained,
disciplined body of men I'm used to.

Do you think Stuart
is trying to tell us something?

Oh. Lift, lift.

Ooh! Oh, by cor, that's heavy.

Hold it still.
I'll nip up and have a look.

What's up?

I am. So don't let go.

Don't let go.

Oh, come down, come down.

Let somebody else have a go.

Oh, I hate to see human beings
shaking like a jelly.

You look like a breath
of springtime, Sydney.

Everything's
coming up green.

Hold this ladder, will you.

Don't go swanning off
catchingcigarettes or scaring inspectors,

I'll show you how it should be done.

Oh, get on up
and let's have less rattle!

Are you showing us?

Hold the ladder, will you.

HE STUTTERS

Just hold it still.

What was that?

Did you hear that?

Oh, oh... No, I was...

I was doing fine, you see,
until I heard it crack.

Yes, I... It cracked.

I...I distinctly heard it crack.

Crack? Crack. Oh, crack.

Oh, that sort of crack.

It was quite a sharp crack.

There's no sense in being foolhardy.

No, no, no.

You're not fooling anybody.

All right, all right. At this point,
the strict dictates of

military planning require
that we send in reserves.

We'll let Clegg have a go.

Stuart, it's at times like this that
us cripples must stick together.

I like to eat where the people eat.

None of this bourgeois rubbish
about napkins and a wine list.

I couldn't agree more.

I love the people, Miss Moody.

Oh, so do I. So do I.

This is delicious tomato ketchup.

It's made locally. Is it?

I knew we'd have
certain things in common.

I'm glad you love the people too.

How can one not? After all,
we're not barbarians.

You know, I used to dream of
leading them into a better society.

Maybe you still can.

There's so much paper work.

Now, a little leadership and
initiative and...there we are.

Safe as houses.

Now, we take the rope round
the telegraph pole, we chuck the end over the roof,

we attach it to whichever volunteer
is going up the ladder

and he's got a safety harness.

You can't fall.

Not only that, but a gentle drive
forward or reverse

will raise or lower our roof
repairer to the exact precise spot he requires to be.

Capitalism is a wasteland in which
we search in vain

for spiritual values.

Me too.

Have you ever been
to red China, Mr Wainwright?

No. Most weekends I have a run
into Huddersfield.

Perfectly safe. Yeah, well
it reminds me of that cowboy film

when he road back into town
and found that poor devil stuck up on the roof.

SCREAMING

SHOUTING

You great useless prawns!

Oh!

That's it. Squeeze in.
That's the way.

Right, now up you go.

Come on, it's quite safe.
Look. I mean...

Remember, you're going to earn
yourself a few pounds - tax free.

Money grubber.

Er, go round and tell him
to take up the slack.

Ah, yes.

Go, go, go.

Help! Help! Help! Get me down!

Help!

Did you check my insurance?

Shut up, you're all right.

All right?

I were going up and down
like a yoyo!

I think it suits you,
going up and down.

I were scared.

We were thinking about you.

Nobody asked the fool
to disappear over the roof.

LAUGHS

It's not funny!

Well, it'll do until you
come up with something better.

Ee! No, it's off again!

Hey, Norman...

LAUGHS

You'll not be laughing
when we're attacked

by this vicious,
drug crazed, motorcycle gang.

THEY HUM AND SING

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