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1
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,160
Knock it down, why don't you?!
2
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,000
Another little nudge and you'd
have had it off the hinges.
3
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:56,520
I thought to myself,
"Oh, I've been jack-knifed into by some huge articulated vehicle."
4
00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:01,100
Imagine my surprise when I opened
up and found it was just some undersized scruffy little twit!
5
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:05,780
I thought thy'd be open.
Well, that's a natural assumption,
6
00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:09,440
if you ignore the drawn blinds and
a 40-foot sign that says "closed"!
7
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,440
Tea or coffee? Haven't you got
a wider choice than that?
8
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,840
I'm getting fed up with
tea and coffee all the time.
9
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,300
What do you want, then?
I don't know - you're the expert.
10
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:27,060
Tempt me.
11
00:01:27,060 --> 00:01:29,060
How about a still lemonade?
12
00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,640
Oh, I don't want that rubbish.
13
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,500
That's right,
think about it objectively(!)
14
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,160
How about a fizzy lemonade?
15
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,960
Oh, it gives me the wind.
16
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:39,460
I need something to give me a lift.
17
00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:43,240
I don't suppose you'd care
to press off and try a passing lorry, would you?!
18
00:01:44,860 --> 00:01:48,160
I think I'll have, er...
19
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,600
cocoa.
20
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:53,260
What's up -
all the racing been cancelled?
21
00:01:53,260 --> 00:01:56,500
I don't bet
all that much on the gee-gees.
22
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:59,120
Over the year, it averages out.
23
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,080
I lose a few bob
and then I go back
24
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,380
and I lose a few more.
25
00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:05,940
Sounds very thorough.
26
00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:08,240
Well, you've got to have a system.
27
00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:16,240
It's times like this
when I'm getting low on fags I miss old Cyril Blamire.
28
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,480
Have you heard from him?
Not a postcard.
29
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,740
It'd be more appropriate
if he sent thee a cigarette card.
30
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:34,600
Nah. It were just a game. I used to
cadge his fags, he used to make a fuss, but he didn't really mind.
31
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,460
He knew he could always
have one of mine. Very true.
32
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:40,480
Providing he had
a pin to hold it with.
33
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,660
Do you think he'll marry this woman?
I wouldn't be surprised.
34
00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:46,400
He were off like a shot when he
heard that she'd become a widow.
35
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,560
I never thought I'd hear
the day when you'd admit to missing Cyril Blamire.
36
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,360
Well, it's so quiet.
37
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,460
There's no-one
to shout at me anymore.
38
00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:56,860
It's been weeks since
I've had a right rollicking.
39
00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:01,020
We used to argue every day.
40
00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:02,980
You miss things like that.
41
00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:06,860
Have you ever thought of
getting married? That's not funny. Oh, now he tells me!
42
00:03:06,860 --> 00:03:10,980
Did anyone utter so much as a
whisper when I went to the altar, when there was still time?
43
00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,620
Drink your cocoa.
44
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,960
HE SLURPS
45
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,240
Oh, very delicate -
he'd have loved that.
46
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:29,100
It seems to me there's a great deal
of enjoyment gone out of life.
47
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:32,040
I bet that bird of his doesn't
slurp her cocoa like you do.
48
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,360
Well, it serves him right,
then, don't it?
49
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,880
Morning, Norm. Huh.
50
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:42,520
There.
51
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:45,800
There.
52
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:51,560
You see? It's not the washing - it's
getting them back in their creases.
53
00:03:54,400 --> 00:04:01,380
A pair of trousers washed
by the home handyman is something I could easily give up for Lent.
54
00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:06,900
And why is it, if there's such a
shortage of oil, it keeps appearing on my trouser bottoms?
55
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,760
Have you got any petrol?
56
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,840
Oh, God, is he off
tea and coffee an' all?
57
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:17,900
Here, lighter fuel. HE wanted cocoa.
58
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,200
I'll bet it leaves a ring.
59
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:25,460
Here's a cloth.
60
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:26,920
Oh, ta.
61
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:31,880
Now...
62
00:04:33,460 --> 00:04:36,160
Vernon Hislop broke his pelvis.
63
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,420
There's some round the back. Oh, ta.
64
00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:44,380
I said,
Vernon Hislop went and broke his...
65
00:04:44,380 --> 00:04:48,820
'Ey-up, Vernon, you'll have to do
better than that if you want to make an impression round 'ere.
66
00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:51,060
Did you see him? No.
67
00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:55,560
I had an eye-witness account at the
bookies from a bloke called Trigger.
68
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:59,280
That's not a bloke -
that's Roy Rogers' horse.
69
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:02,560
No wonder you can't pick winners
if you can't tell the difference.
70
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:06,240
Trigger were there when
Vernon slipped and fell! Well, that doesn't prove anything.
71
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:11,280
But if he is Roy Rogers' horse,
you can tell in a minute if you try him with a lump of sugar.
72
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:15,060
Can he undo knots with his teeth?!
73
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:17,320
Ah, shut up!
74
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,300
He's got it on him
this morning - dead moody.
75
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:22,740
Ah, well, he's not getting enough
exercise now that Cyril's left.
76
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:26,020
You know what Cyril was like -
restless, energetic,
77
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:27,760
crackers.
78
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,280
When are we going
to do something exciting?
79
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,380
You're sensation-mad.
80
00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:36,740
Poor old Vernon Hislop -
breaks his pelvis, and he's bored again within five minutes.
81
00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:40,080
Well, I tell you what we're going
to do for starters, we're going to meet the 11 o'clock bus.
82
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,600
Is that from Cyril? He wrote it?
Yep, it came this morning.
83
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,280
Is he going to be on the bus?
No. He's not going to be on the bus.
84
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:49,260
Then what the hell are we going to
meet it for? Why don't you shut your flap and let him tell you?
85
00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:56,120
"Oswestry, Saturday. Dear all,
weather remains mixed, wind variable.
86
00:05:56,120 --> 00:06:00,020
"By the way, if you should see
my former landlady, please enquire
87
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,820
"if the blue socks are back
yet from the laundry.
88
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:08,020
"I have acquired decent
accommodation in one of the better residential areas.
89
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:13,780
"Several persons of good standing are
eager to propose me for membership of the Conservative Club..."
90
00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:18,140
Bah, the poor demented capitalist!
91
00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:22,480
"The social circle is grateful
for new blood, now that the barracks are closing.
92
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,860
"It's very sad to see this
once-proud military establishment
93
00:06:26,860 --> 00:06:29,440
"guarded now by a person
with dandruff
94
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,620
"and an apparently well-speaking
Alsatian from Securicor.
95
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:39,440
"Certainly, the brute's comprehension
of English is very inferior...
96
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,860
"..and so is his dog's,
because when I attempted to visit
97
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:49,500
"the barracks on a nostalgic
pilgrimage, the damn thing wouldn't let go!
98
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:56,460
"The security fella was just
as unpleasant, but at least he hasn't got me elbow in his mouth.
99
00:06:56,460 --> 00:06:59,520
"However,
the bruises have almost gone now,
100
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,780
"thanks to the sympathetic
and skilful ministrations of a certain lady."
101
00:07:04,780 --> 00:07:06,740
Ooh-hoo!
102
00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:09,040
The poor dozy pillock!
103
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:14,700
Can't you see him? Eh? Can't you see
him there in the darkened NAAFI, eh?
104
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,760
All blushing
as she strokes his elbow.
105
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:22,260
Ooh-hoo! No wonder the Tories
don't breed as fast as Labour.
106
00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:28,500
They wouldn't breed so fast, would
they, if they thought it was hard work? Wait till it's nationalised.
107
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:31,560
They'll take five of the beggars
where only one was needed before.
108
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:36,460
And since the Sex Discrimination Act,
all five could turn out to be women.
109
00:07:36,460 --> 00:07:41,160
Aye. Do you ever get the feeling
that living in the second half
110
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,920
of the 20th century is a bit
like being detained on Her Majesty's pleasure?
111
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:53,260
Read the letter. Oh, right.
Well, now we're getting to the gritty-nitty, because Cyril says...
112
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:57,520
"You'll be interested to hear
that among the last few people to be
113
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,520
"employed at the barracks
was old Foggy Dewhurst."
114
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,420
It says here...
"You remember Foggy Dewhurst?"
115
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:10,780
I do. He were always sick
every playtime at school.
116
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,900
He were in the Specials
before he went into the Army.
117
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:18,260
Great, long, gormless streak
from Arnold Crescent.
118
00:08:18,260 --> 00:08:21,280
His mother wore brown boots.
119
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,300
He were always on traffic duty.
120
00:08:23,300 --> 00:08:26,220
Blue uniform, white face.
121
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:30,340
Looked like a pencil
with a rubber on the end.
122
00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,160
I thought he was dead.
123
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:36,020
Nah. I had this feeling that he'd
either died or something unspeakable
124
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:40,420
had happened to him, but I never
imagined anything as morbid as this. What's that?
125
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:43,100
Well, he's been in Wales
all this time. Oh.
126
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,580
Cyril says...
"Foggy has been employed
127
00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:53,480
"at the barracks here
in a civilian capacity since he retired from the Army.
128
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:57,820
"We were stationed here together
for several months in 1947.
129
00:08:57,820 --> 00:09:04,620
"As you can imagine, he was delighted
to see me, and we held a small but thoroughly depressing reunion.
130
00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:09,000
"So many of the old faces are gone,
and it gave us no comfort
131
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,480
"to recognise that,
thanks to this Labour government, when the Russians finally come,
132
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:19,200
"practically all we shall
have left to throw at them is one Welsh-speaking Alsatian.
133
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:25,760
"On top of which, he's a reedy
tenor who bursts into song at the slightest provocation..."
134
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,240
Oh, no, that's the guard!
135
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,300
I thought he meant the Alsatian.
136
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:35,340
"Old Foggy's
returning home to an empty house
137
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:40,460
"in Arnold Crescent, with all his
relatives passed on or moved away.
138
00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:44,580
"It would be a friendly gesture
if you could meet him and show him
139
00:09:44,580 --> 00:09:49,440
"that comradeship
which will help him over this difficult transitional period.
140
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:54,600
"It is with confidence that I commend
to your care old Foggy Dewhurst,
141
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,660
"one of the finest
corporal signwriters with whom
142
00:09:57,660 --> 00:10:00,020
"it's ever been
my privilege to serve.
143
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:03,680
"A master of the Gothic script...
144
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,440
"and a keen leader of men."
145
00:10:20,724 --> 00:10:23,144
Has thy ever heard
of Yehudi Menuhin?
146
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,644
No.
147
00:10:26,344 --> 00:10:27,824
No, neither have I.
148
00:10:30,284 --> 00:10:33,164
You know what
I always feel sorry about?
149
00:10:33,164 --> 00:10:34,684
Go on.
150
00:10:34,684 --> 00:10:38,024
That I didn't buy
them encyclopaedias.
151
00:10:38,024 --> 00:10:42,364
That bloke said if I'd have really
dipped into them, I could have been up to degree standard.
152
00:10:42,364 --> 00:10:45,484
Who was he then,
Minister of Education?
153
00:10:45,484 --> 00:10:47,604
He said he grew lupins.
154
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:52,924
Oh, well, he must have had some
shreds of self-respect, then, if he grew lupins.
155
00:10:52,924 --> 00:10:58,264
Take care, monsieur! I am the
most feared swordsman in France!
156
00:10:58,264 --> 00:11:00,784
With what you're showing,
I'm not surprised!
157
00:11:02,984 --> 00:11:05,664
Is that a new vest?
158
00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,424
Ah, the other one were past it.
159
00:11:35,384 --> 00:11:41,184
Keep that thing the right way up,
will you? ..Ah, Clegg?
160
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,124
Simonite.
161
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:45,544
Cor. Now...
162
00:11:45,544 --> 00:11:46,924
Take...
163
00:11:46,924 --> 00:11:49,924
take that bag, will you? Come on!
164
00:11:49,924 --> 00:11:56,004
Now, look, keep your eye on that -
it's a lifetime collection of hand-painted army office door signs.
165
00:11:57,624 --> 00:12:00,664
No, you men... No.
166
00:12:00,664 --> 00:12:04,724
I'm trying to keep that the right
way up! It should have travelled on t'platform, should this, you know.
167
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,084
He sneaked it on back at t'terminus,
didn't he? While we were snatching a quick cuppa.
168
00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:10,924
I didn't sneak it -
I marched it on in good order and military discipline.
169
00:12:10,924 --> 00:12:13,164
Aye. Then you jammed it like
a cork in t'back seat.
170
00:12:13,164 --> 00:12:15,684
Jam?
That's a preposterous suggestion.
171
00:12:15,684 --> 00:12:19,724
That anyone with my instinctive
delicacy of touch could do anything so clumsy as jam.
172
00:12:19,724 --> 00:12:22,584
Then how come it's taking three of
us to throw the blasted thing off?
173
00:12:22,584 --> 00:12:25,384
I just tucked it in neatly,
that's all.
174
00:12:27,764 --> 00:12:29,544
I warn you not to throw that thing.
175
00:12:34,244 --> 00:12:36,504
Take that man's number! What?
176
00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:45,064
I must check the contents of these
bags to make sure that that fool hasn't broken anything, you see.
177
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:46,924
Now, could we, er...
178
00:12:46,924 --> 00:12:48,864
Yes, could we go in there,
do you think?
179
00:12:52,704 --> 00:12:54,824
Welcome home, Foggy.
180
00:12:59,124 --> 00:13:02,624
Yes, well, if we can just
put everything down in here.
181
00:13:02,624 --> 00:13:04,664
Carefully - put it down carefully,
won't you now?
182
00:13:04,664 --> 00:13:10,144
I'll give you a hand with this,
because I want to make sure that fella hasn't broken these things.
183
00:13:10,144 --> 00:13:13,304
He threw it down
unnecessarily hard, I thought.
184
00:13:13,304 --> 00:13:17,124
Oh, no, those are all right,
aren't they? Oh, yes. Yes.
185
00:13:17,124 --> 00:13:18,784
Oh, I think everything's all right.
186
00:13:18,784 --> 00:13:20,864
Oh, would you like to have a look?
187
00:13:20,864 --> 00:13:23,204
Handle them very carefully,
won't you?
188
00:13:23,204 --> 00:13:29,844
Now, I usually
keep a slip of paper about me for the purposes of note-taking.
189
00:13:29,844 --> 00:13:32,464
Oh, no, no.
That's my equipment list.
190
00:13:32,464 --> 00:13:34,804
Now, let's see what's in here now.
191
00:13:34,804 --> 00:13:37,804
Oh, no, that's the
suggested daily schedule.
192
00:13:37,804 --> 00:13:39,604
What...what a performance!
193
00:13:39,604 --> 00:13:41,344
Let's have a look at this.
194
00:13:41,344 --> 00:13:44,364
Oh, have you finished?
Did you enjoy those?
195
00:13:46,104 --> 00:13:50,164
Now, what I'm going to do
is to make a note of it on here
196
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:53,304
and then transfer it later
to its proper piece of paper.
197
00:13:53,304 --> 00:13:56,404
Now, I don't mind disorder,
but you have to remember that
198
00:13:56,404 --> 00:13:59,164
flexibility is the fourth
dimension of good planning.
199
00:13:59,164 --> 00:14:02,964
And the main thing is to make
a decision and push on with it.
200
00:14:02,964 --> 00:14:09,064
Now, you see, for the purposes
of note-taking, I usually carry a free-flow slimline ballpoint pen...
201
00:14:13,164 --> 00:14:15,524
Pen...
202
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:22,484
What's he doing now?
203
00:14:22,484 --> 00:14:24,404
He's doing all right.
204
00:14:24,404 --> 00:14:30,124
You get depressed sometimes and begin
to believe that there aren't any real old-fashioned idiots left. And then,
205
00:14:30,124 --> 00:14:31,624
out of the blue
206
00:14:31,624 --> 00:14:39,004
comes a genuine 14-carat
gilt-edged barmpot like this!
207
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:43,424
He looks a bit weird to me sitting
there with his mouth open. You know...
208
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,964
silent, like.
209
00:14:57,024 --> 00:14:58,564
I've got it. I don't need it!
210
00:15:00,324 --> 00:15:02,644
It amazes you, that, doesn't it?
211
00:15:02,644 --> 00:15:05,724
No, it's just a little trick,
you see, that I've perfected
212
00:15:05,724 --> 00:15:09,504
for bringing all the mental powers
to bear on the subject in hand.
213
00:15:09,504 --> 00:15:11,464
I call it my little
planning sessions.
214
00:15:11,464 --> 00:15:14,084
I thought he were having a stroke.
215
00:15:14,084 --> 00:15:17,944
Oh, no, no. No, you see, I had
to remember what I'd done with my little ballpoint, so I had
216
00:15:17,944 --> 00:15:23,884
one of my little planning sessions,
you see, played over certain actions in the kaleidoscope of the mind,
217
00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:27,604
and bingo, within seconds, I know
exactly what I've done with it. What HAVE you done with it?
218
00:15:27,604 --> 00:15:29,864
I've left it on the bus.
219
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,520
Did you notice I paused for
a second back there on the hill?
220
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,560
Throwing a map-reader's
eye over the ground.
221
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,840
Just for an instant, but long enough
222
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,600
to recognise that the place
hasn't changed much.
223
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:58,500
Oh, I don't know,
there's a kind of sparkle through the beads of perspiration.
224
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,480
How much luggage has thy got, Foggy?
225
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,720
Well, what I suggest is, we take
this lot round to Arnold Crescent
226
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:10,720
and have a breather,
then go and collect the heavy trunk from the parcels office.
227
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,300
'Ey-up!
228
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:17,340
I think we'd better give him
a few lessons about my bad back!
229
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:21,500
Are you sure you've actually left
the Army and not brought it with you?
230
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:27,220
Foggy? Foggy?
231
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:39,680
Are you there, Foggy?
232
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,900
It began with a B142.
233
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:46,600
What did? That man's number.
234
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,480
But are you sure?
235
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:53,240
Not completely, no.
236
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,680
Ooh! No, but...
237
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,280
What are we carting these
old bits of wood about for?
238
00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:04,340
They happen to be the nucleus
of a unique collection of hand-painted army office door signs.
239
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:05,980
Oh, you don't say?
240
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,040
But are they worth anything?
241
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,200
Not individually, no.
242
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,440
I see. I don't suppose the
doors are in the trunk, are they?
243
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,920
Isn't that right, Foggy?
244
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,740
That man's got
a hole in his trousers!
245
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:22,500
Ah, yeah, it's just his little
way of showing his individuality.
246
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,780
39, please, gents. Ta.
247
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:33,980
No. No, no, no, no.
248
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:36,360
Don't you pay -
I'll pay for the refreshments.
249
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:40,780
Well, you were good enough to assist
me in transit with the baggage, personal lightweight.
250
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:44,720
What's he on about - lightweight?!
251
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,860
Well, don't forget,
we haven't seen the trunk yet.
252
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:51,960
Is your, er, friend doing
anything productive, do you think?
253
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,700
Or is he just having a good scratch?
254
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:57,200
Here we are... No, no, no, no.
255
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:01,660
No, nobody buys the first round
except Corporal Dewhurst.
256
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:07,280
Fancy, and to think when he started
looking, he was only a private.
257
00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:15,140
Thank you.
258
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,440
That's a real
commando's purse, is that.
259
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,240
Napoleon started as corporal.
260
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,880
And he's ended up as a Josephine.
261
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,340
To Operation Swordblade.
262
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:32,380
What the hell's
Operation Swordblade?
263
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:37,700
No, don't ask me
to say any more at the moment.
264
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:43,860
No, it's just a little enterprise
I was proud to be associated with when I was on the active list.
265
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:49,000
It's enough for you to know
at this moment, under alien skies,
266
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:54,740
a little handful of brave men is
still to be found to have made liberty their watchword.
267
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,440
Shall we have a sit down?
268
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,080
Norman, what he's on about?
269
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960
You know, the western world.
270
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,200
In the balance. Fate of.
271
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,140
Isn't he lovely?
272
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:14,460
No, it is my intention to transform
the current Arnold Crescent
273
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:18,780
into a small but efficient
outpost of all the military virtues.
274
00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:23,900
And if on the currents
that move in Arnold Crescent are obstinately civilian?
275
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:28,380
Yes, well, now, standing orders,
reveille 0600 hours.
276
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:33,020
Oh, that's early. 0630 to 0700 hours,
physical training.
277
00:19:33,020 --> 00:19:38,020
And it's a bit like
love-making, you know - it's a vice if you practise it alone.
278
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:40,000
Spend time in your garden.
279
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,280
Not what I've been trained for.
280
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,320
Oh, paint it white if you have to.
281
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:45,840
You don't paint all of it white -
282
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,300
you just pick
out a few of the stones at the edges of the paths and borders.
283
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,480
Come walking with us. Ah!
284
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:56,040
Now, I've reserved Tuesdays and
Thursdays for route marches and other map-reading schemes.
285
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,180
We just pop up the hill
and have a fag.
286
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:04,060
You don't still smoke
filthy cigarettes?
287
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:07,620
You must have lungs
like tangled boot laces.
288
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:13,780
Well, I intend to resist this
sloppy process of civilian decay - I have a will like iron.
289
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:17,600
Well, you'll find that stiff
cardboard is more than adequate for today's standards.
290
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,120
I'm a fairly tolerant sort of bloke.
291
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,480
If tha's going to be a non-smoker,
I suppose I can get used to it.
292
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,280
Here, I hope you're not going to be
one of them chain non-smokers, Foggy,
293
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,900
that can't finish not having one
before you start not having another.
294
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:34,680
Aye. I can take non-smokers
in moderation,
295
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,620
but what whittles me
is how much longer he's going to be walking about
296
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,980
dressed up like
the regimental mascot.
297
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,400
Oh. Oh, don't you provoke me
like that.
298
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,420
No, I'm all right now.
299
00:20:55,420 --> 00:21:01,620
I'm all right. Just that I get
these...murderous tempers, you see.
300
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:05,380
No, on the whole,
you really shouldn't say anything
301
00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:09,400
to me that you couldn't safely say
to John Wayne.
302
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,740
Tha's not like John Wayne.
303
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,880
We're the same height.
304
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,260
People are always remarking on it.
305
00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:20,040
You've never seen him
in a hat like that, though.
306
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,460
Look who's giving
advice about dress.
307
00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:24,200
Even for a civilian, you're a mess.
308
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,380
And I am at the height of my
mental and physical fitness.
309
00:21:27,380 --> 00:21:29,180
I have a body like whip cord.
310
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,660
And I have control, you see,
311
00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:34,880
thanks to this ancient trick
I picked up in the East.
312
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,920
Like Mrs Bhattacharya.
313
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:42,080
Like iron self-control.
You great nelly!
314
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,680
You can't even control that
piece of string around your neck.
315
00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:49,560
These are my regimental colours.
316
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,980
I will fight any man here
who insults these colours.
317
00:22:51,980 --> 00:22:54,080
All right, Foggy...
318
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,460
This is no place
to be issuing challenges.
319
00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:58,940
This is something of a sporting pub.
320
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,380
I don't like those colours.
321
00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:14,980
That's my little cousin,
Big Malcolm.
322
00:23:14,980 --> 00:23:16,780
How's your mam, Big Malcolm?
323
00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:19,480
Nicely, thank you, Cleggy.
324
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,820
He just got home today,
Big Malcolm, he's back from Wales.
325
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:25,600
Fancy.
326
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,940
And up to now,
it's been his lucky day.
327
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:32,300
Yes, well, I think what we've got
here, Big Malcolm, essentially,
328
00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:35,740
is a situation that's still
open to peaceful settlement.
329
00:23:37,340 --> 00:23:39,580
I can't do it, Cleggy.
330
00:23:39,580 --> 00:23:44,460
I've got to live in this pub.
If there'd been nobody in, we could have had a drink and laugh,
331
00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:46,520
but they've all heard.
332
00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:53,240
I feel that I should warn you
that I'm no stranger to the deadly arts of unarmed combat.
333
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,720
Now, listen, little Big Malcolm.
Listen to me. Can't tha let him off?
334
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,660
Look at him. I mean, on account
of the fact that he's...crackers.
335
00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:11,580
Of course I've sworn never
to use these deadly arts for my own personal advantage.
336
00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:15,960
I'd appreciate the loan
of this bit of rag round your neck,
337
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:21,080
on account of some unsteady twit
spilling beer on our domino table.
338
00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:29,600
Yes, well, I mean,
you see the dilemma I'm in.
339
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:35,140
Oh, very clearly. I mean, if he
provokes me sufficiently to arouse battle frenzy, I could hurt him.
340
00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:41,060
A man of discretion at this stage,
Foggy, would almost certainly retire via the concert room door.
341
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:52,800
Yes, well, it's a matter of honour.
342
00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:13,240
Yes, well, I've give you once
last chance to apologise for the rude remarks you've made...
343
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,360
SMACK!
Oh!
344
00:25:16,460 --> 00:25:18,220
You've made such a mess!
345
00:25:18,220 --> 00:25:21,080
Oh, oh...
346
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,300
Oh, you've no idea
how glad I am I didn't hurt him.
347
00:25:27,300 --> 00:25:29,560
Oh. Oh.
348
00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:36,180
Is he all right, Cleggy?
349
00:25:36,180 --> 00:25:38,900
Oh, nicely, thank you, Big Malcolm.
350
00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:42,180
How long you had him? Just today.
351
00:25:42,180 --> 00:25:44,020
Well, if you can keep him alive,
352
00:25:44,020 --> 00:25:45,880
you might get some mileage
out of him.
353
00:26:00,340 --> 00:26:04,680
I can't understand why anyone with
a death wish needs so much baggage.
354
00:26:06,260 --> 00:26:09,560
Will tha stop pulling that trunk
and try pushing this one?!
355
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:16,640
To be brutally honest,
I'm not too enchanted about getting
356
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:21,280
my head down so close to your...
scandalous civilian hindquarters.
357
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:22,500
Then close you eyes!
358
00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:25,960
Oh, I'm almost equally
at home in the dark.
359
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,500
I've got senses like a cat.
360
00:26:27,500 --> 00:26:29,140
Oh, heck.
361
00:26:29,140 --> 00:26:35,500
He's off again! No, I've got
a very low sleep threshold too.
362
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:39,620
The first snap of twig,
and I'm there, balanced on the balls of my feet.
363
00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:44,420
I think I may never drink again
without toasting Operation Swordblade.
364
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:46,660
I wish tha'd stop encouraging him!
365
00:26:52,580 --> 00:26:54,020
Hang on a minute...
366
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,200
Stop, Cleggy. Cleggy!
367
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,560
Cleggy, stop!
368
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:03,960
I order you to stop!
369
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:29,540
Like a cat, he says.
He's more like a gyppo's horse!
370
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,480
Oh, dear!
371
00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:43,960
Stop it!
372
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,800
I didn't tell you to release the
thing, did I? I said stop it, not let go of the damn trolley.
373
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,220
We were acting on our own initiative.
374
00:28:03,220 --> 00:28:08,320
You must remember
that flexibility is the fourth dimension of good planning.
375
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,300
Cut me loose, will you?
Cut me loose.
376
00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:12,400
There's a knife in this pocket.
377
00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:17,320
Which pocket?
378
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:18,940
Try the other pocket.
379
00:28:18,940 --> 00:28:20,600
Oh, heck.
380
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,240
Here we go again.
381
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,560
Mind your jumper.
382
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:37,480
Hey! Does tha think he's allus
weird or is it just today?
383
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,540
I think the signs are very promising.
384
00:28:40,540 --> 00:28:44,780
I think the chances are that
he's potty on a full-time basis.
385
00:28:44,780 --> 00:28:47,800
I hope that trunk's all right,
you know.
386
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,760
I've got a very valuable
optical gunsight in there.
387
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,240
It only wants a bit of machining
and a ground glass or two.
388
00:28:58,290 --> 00:29:02,840
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