All language subtitles for The Love Boat s04e04 The Majors Wife.eng

♪ Love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

Oh, I'm sorry, merrill!

Hey, what's the rush?

I just don't want to be
late for the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders' arrival.

Oh, yes. Well, take it easy.

How can I?

They happen to be exactly
my favorite type of women.

Adam, is there
any type of woman that isn't your favorite?

No, not really.
I guess I'm what you call an equal opportunity lover.

I think the cheerleaders
will be thrilled to hear that.

Oh, merrill, I tell you,
they are really something.

I watched them
at the ball game on Sunday and they are fantastic!

Every one!

Fantastic, huh?

Oh, they've got some new girls
with them this year.

They are so...
You can't even...

[Kisses]
Mamma Mia!

What's keeping
this elevator?

New faces?

New everything, merrill.
New everything!

They're going to be aboard
for several days. Why rush?

Don't you understand?
You got to play all the angles.

The first fellow
that meets them is the one they'll remember. Huh?

I can make better
time on the stairs.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

You ready?

In a minute.

Come on! We've got
passengers coming aboard.

Including all those
gorgeous cheerleaders.

We're going to have to look
sensational just to keep up.

You're not concerned
about competition from them?

Oh, that's a very
sweet thing to say.

And very flattering,
considering each one of those girls is a ten.

Pretty, long legs,
gorgeous figures.

Wow, I'd better do something.
Can I borrow some lipstick?

In about three years, yes.
Now, come on.

You certainly put together
a real party, Mr. Fleers.

Oh, thank you.

You've gotta think big in
the oil business nowadays.

I've got 50 of my top
salesmen on board here,

fifty of
my top customers,

and the Dallas cowboys
cheerleaders to entertain them!

All courtesy
of Mason fleers.

Say, this is, uh--

Ted.

Ted, that's right.
This is Ted. Now, he's my assistant.

Captain stubing.

Doctor bricker.

How are you?

Ted here is in charge
of our special guest, prince Yusuf Hassan.

I'd better get on
down below now, because the girls will be arriving.

They'll want to see me.
Take care of the buttons.

Sure.

This is the theme
for our cruise party,

"cheers for fleers."

Thank you.

Thank you.

"Cheers for fleers."

I like it!

When a company brings me,
on the house,

a bunch of the most
gorgeous girls in america,

that's big business
in its finest hour.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.
[Chuckles]

Something wrong?

Going a little heavy on
the Cologne, aren't you?

No, I just gave myself
the usual dab.

With what, a mop?

Look at this. Shiny braids,
shiny shoes, and shoelaces.

Hey, no special effort.
This is the way I always look.

It wouldn't have anything
to do with the fact

that the Dallas cowboy
cheerleaders are coming onboard?

Nope, they're all
the same to me. A passenger is a passenger.

Hmm. Oh, here they are!

Where?

Passengers
are passengers, huh?

Prince Hassan,
I'd like you to meet our captain, merrill stubing.

Captain, this is
prince Hassan.

Welcome aboard, your highness.
We're pleased to have you sailing with us.

Thank you, captain.
I look forward to being on the water for a change.

Our small country is mostly
one big layer of sand.

-So I understand.
-Of course, under the sand

we have a nice,
big layer of oil.

Sounds like
very valuable real estate.

There are things of even
greater value than oil,

which is one reason
I come to your country.

[Brass band playing fanfare]

Sounds like
the cheerleaders are here!

[Cheering]

Hey! All right!

[Band continues outside]

-Um... excuse me.
-Hi.

-The name's latham.
-Okay. Let's see.

Oh. Major
and Mrs. Ross latham,

you're on
the promenade deck, cabin 343.

343. Um...

Somebody said
the Dallas cheerleaders were going to be aboard.

-Is that true?
-That's right.

Well, they will be quite
something for my wife to see.

Oh, well, if there's
anything we can do to help, please let me know.

-You are most kind.
-Arigato.

-You speak Japanese?
-Sure I do!

One word!

Nara darling, why don't
you go ahead to 343

and I'll round up
the luggage?

343.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a beautiful kimono!

What's this "Arigato"?

It's Japanese.
It means thank you.

I bet they're on
their honeymoon.

If they are, then the major's
on two honeymoons.

Hmm?

Hm.

See you soon.

Okay!

Hi. I'm Gloria beaumont.

[Clears throat] Hello.

You're on the aloha deck,
cabin 350. Enjoy your cruise.

Oh, I intend to.
I just ran into an old friend of mine

from the air force.

Yes, major latham.

I believe he's sailing
with his wife.

Oh, a wife is such
a temporary position.

I should know,
I used to be one.

Hmm.

I'd say she's trouble.

Hmm. I think you have
excellent instincts.

[Band playing]

[Cheers, whistles]

[Band stops playing]

Okay, Kim kilway,
Teri Richardson,

Stephanie scholz,
and Jeanne monfort,

promenade 342.

Angelia parnell,
jayne Ann Maxwell...

Slow down, Julie.
I can't take shorthand.

Nancy townes
and Janet fulkerson, promenade 346.

Annette bilbrey,
Leslie Willard,

debbie causey
and Carrie currie, promenade 344.

Okay, girls.
Let's go find them.

♪ Deep in the heart
of Texas... ♪

Hey. Miss monfort?

Oh, hello, Mr. Fleers.

Just call me Mason.
No formality on a pleasure cruise.

I gotta tell you somethin'.
I've seen all the cowboy games.

You're the main reason
I booked these cheerleaders.

Say, you've got
better moves than the whole Dallas backfield combined.

Oh, Mr. Fleers!

Mason, Mason.
Get used to it.

I hope we're gonna see a lot
of each other on this trip, you know what I mean?

[Scoffs]

[Laughs]

Excuse me, I'm with
the fleers group. Mr. Henson.

Mr. Henson, yes.
Promenade 347, the honeymoon suite.

That's us!

Honeymooners?

One nice thing,
if you were worried

about competition
for the cheerleaders,

your odds just got better.

[Ship horn blowing]

[Chattering]

Say, Jeanne.
I just stopped down

to see if your room's
comfortable and everything.

Oh, everything's fine,
Mr. Fleers.

Yeah, well... oh, Mason.

I can get you
your own private room,

if you think you'd be
more comfortable in that.

Oh, this is fine.

Well, I'll leave
the offer open.

You think about it
and if you change your mind...

Okay, thanks.

Relax, Walter,
everything is going to be fine.

Come on, get unpacked.

Come on.

It's Harriet's!

I must have brought one of
her suitcases by mistake.

Look, don't think
about her.

I did such a terrible thing,
jilting her, and right at the church.

But I just couldn't marry her
after I found out she had that affair.

It's done, so just
forget about it.

I bet you never thought
you'd be on my honeymoon.

What about Mr. Fleers?

What if he finds out, I mean,
after arranging all this?

You're new in
the Chicago office. He hardly knows you.

Look, hang up some of
Harriet's things,

so no one
gets curious, huh?

[Knock on door]

Champagne, compliments
of the love boat.

Oh!

But there's no need.

Oh, it's a regular custom
for the honeymoon sui--

uh...

-For this cabin.
-No, thank you.

Come on, come on.
It'll do you good. Here.

No, thank you.

Congratulations
on the flowers!

They're compliments
of Mr. Fleers.

Same kind as in the church.

It was so beautiful,
and all our friends were there.

And then the music began.

Nerves, very jittery.

Oh, just one thing,
uh... Isaac.

I'd like to ask you
a very special favor.

We're involved
in kind of an unusual setup here.

I wonder if you'd
keep it quiet

that Mr. Henson doesn't
actually have a bride in the honeymoon suite.

Oh, I had one,
but it didn't work out.

I could have guessed that.

[Chatter, laughter]

[Ted] Hi girls.

Hello, there!

Ted!

I'm so glad
you talked Mr. Fleers into bringing you along.

We'll have a ball!

Well, I'm afraid it's not
gonna be all fun and games.

I have to look after the prince,
which is quite a responsibility.

I realize that, but--

there he is.

Excuse me, huh?

[Chattering]

Ah, the pacific!
It certainly is something, isn't it?

And to think that's
only the top of it.

Listen, your highness,
would it be possible

for me to meet with you
in your cabin later?

Not more tedious arguments

for an oil concession
to your country?

No. This is strictly pleasure.
I have a gift for you.

And you hope to influence
me with blatant bribery?

-Exactly.
-Marvelous. In a half hour, then?

Great.

What a prince!

Giving him
a sales pitch?

No, no.
No high-pressure stuff.

I'm just selling him some
good old American friendliness.

Got any free samples?

Hello! Taking good care
of the prince?

I'm giving him a gift
he's going to flip over.

It's a computer game
that plays chess. He collects chess sets.

Oh, well, maybe
I'll plan a game,

if he doesn't mind
playing for big stakes.

Two gallons
of unleaded.

[Both laugh]

Say, I got a great idea.

How about if you present him
with the gift, huh?

I mean, it'd be sort of like
a little touch of showmanship.

Besides, maybe you could
ask him if he wanted to play a game or two.

We do have a rehearsal.

Oh, but it'll only
take a minute.

Come on,
I'll get the computer.

It is so wonderful
seeing you again.

Mrs. Beaumont's ex-husband

was my roommate
in flight school

a long time ago.

Remember all those characters
when the squadron was stationed at Edwards?

[Laughs]

I remember every one
of them, fondly.

-Well, want to take
a walk, see the ship? -Okay.

And you should have known Ross,
he was more fun of them all.

-You should have
known him then, Nora. -Nara.

Nara! Oh, of course.
I'm sorry.

Will you look at her
moving in?

I'd like to choke her.

Oh, that's a no-no, Julie.

The captain has strict rules
against strangling passengers.

Interferes with
the seating arrangements.

That sweet little wife of his
doesn't have a chance.

How are we going to
get rid of that shark?

Of course!

He can handle her!

Who?

Good old doc!

Ah! Mr. Shark bait.

I'll line him up.

You do that.

I've got a little lining up
of my own to do.

Hmm?

Jeanne, if that
fleers guy bothers you,

have texie straighten
him out. Really.

But she's got so much
on her mind.

Hi, girls.

I'm burl Smith,
assistant purser,

and organizer of fun parties,
large and small.

Hi, how are you?

Jeanne, Teri's right.

Leave it to texie.

She won't mind,
Jeanne, really.

[Overlapping chatter]

Gopher. I'll post
the schedule for you

if you're too busy dating
all the cheerleaders.

Oh, no. I'll do it.
I won't have time for the girls, anyway.

You know me, duty first.

But I know fleers' type.

He's not going to be
easy to turn off.

There you are! Yes, sir!

I've been running around
like a one-eyed dog in a beehive looking for you.

I'll have to put a bell on her,
so I can keep track of her.

I need to talk to you, honey,
if you girls will excuse us.

Sure, go ahead.

I find that I've got room
in my organization

for a bright, young girl,
just like yourself,

to travel around with me
to all of my branch offices checking on things.

Kind of like
a confidential secretary.

Easy work, I think you'll
love it, and I know I will.

Excuse me.

Darling!

I've been looking forward
to seeing you again.

I was praying
you'd be on board.

So was I.

I'll never forget
our last cruise.

I've missed you
and those magic moments in the moonlight.

Oh, yeah. Magic moments.

You've never looked better.

You get handsomer
all the time.

Oh, thank you.

Well, that's the sea air
and I eat a lot of granola.

Can I talk to you later,
Mr. Fleers?

Oh, you bet! We got
plenty of time, me and you.

We really do have
a lot to catch up on.

Why don't we start by
introducing each other?

Excuse me.
My friends are waiting.

[Knock on door]

Thank you.

Good afternoon,
your highness.

I just came by to see
if everything is satisfactory.

Most satisfactory indeed.
Mr. Fleers decorated the cabin delightfully.

Good, good.
I understand you play chess.

-If you ever need
a partner-- -i gave up chess years ago.

My game now is poker,
but at the moment, neither one is of interest.

-I came to america
on a quest. -Sounds intriguing.

What I'm looking for
is a wife.

Oh?

I am hoping to find
an American girl.

My harem is so dull now
without Fatima.

-I lost her a month ago.
-I'm very sorry.

So am I.
She went very quickly,

in a poker game
at the palace.

Of course, Fatima was
just a dancing girl.

The American girl I will
make one of my wives.

[Knock on door]

Ah! Good afternoon,
your highness, captain.

Prince Yusuf,
I have a very special gift for you,

which I hope
will please you.

Prince Yusuf, this is
miss Janet fulkerson.

Allah be praised.

This is an honor,
your highness.

I hope you don't
already have one.

No, no.
Similar, of course, but nothing like this.

Ted, could I have a word
with you, please?

Yeah, just a second.

I also brought along
a complete set of instructions.

Instruc-- ha! Instructions!
How typically American.

They won't be necessary.
In some areas, we are not a backward nation.

And if you like,
Janet's ready for a match anytime you say.

You are willing?

But I must warn you,
I'm only a beginner.

The best kind.

First, we must observe
the legal requirements.

Oh, not now.

You see, Janet can
come back later. She has a rehearsal.

Rehearsal?

Practice makes perfect.

Only in america.

I almost forgot.
Here's an extra set of batteries, just in case.

Extra batteries?
How old does he think I am?

Your highness...

She didn't bring
much luggage.

An adding machine?

I hope she's doesn't
expect too much of me.

That's a computerized
chess game.

Your highness,
there's been a slight mis--

[phone rings]

I'm expecting a call
from my brother.

Will you excuse me?

Of course.
I'll be on my way.

I want to have a word
with Mr. Harmes.

[Phone ringing]

Ted!

Oh, hi, captain.

Well, Yusuf certainly
seemed to enjoy his gift, didn't he?

More than you know.
Now, look, Ted...

Next, I think
I'll throw him a little dinner party this evening.

I'd better find out
if he likes to go to bed early or not.

He might tonight.

Huh?

There's been a giant
misunderstanding.

He thinks that the gift
you gave him was Janet.

Janet?

For his wife!

You'd better do something.

Well, that's crazy.

Where does he
think he is?

On the love boat.

About to start
his honeymoon.

[Brass band
playing lively march]

Ooh! Doesn't that take
your mind off your troubles?

You think I should have
gone ahead and married Harriet, don't you?

Frankly, yes.
So, she had an earlier love affair with someone else.

So what? She didn't
even know you then.

But it makes me feel
like I'm second best.

Walter, forget it.
It'll drive you bananas.

-[Music stops]
-[All] Cowboys!

[Cheering]

Okay, girls, get your jackets
and let's go to our rooms.

I'm going back
to the cabin.

Hey, look.
Take it easy, huh?

I'll be right out.

Jayne Ann,
don't forget your jacket.

Thanks,
I'll see you later.

Excuse me. My jacket.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Something wrong?

Do you believe in
love at first sight?

Not really.

How do I go about
making you a convert?

You might start by
telling me your name.

Hud henson.

Jayne Ann Maxwell.

So much for the courtship.
Shall we pick out the furniture?

I'm an old-fashioned girl.
I believe in much longer courtships.

Isn't that one of
the honeymoon boys?

Shh. He asked me not to
let that get around.

I wonder why
he's with her.

Maybe he's collecting
one of each kind.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Mrs. Beaumont,
have you seen her?

She was supposed
to join us for dinner.

Why don't you go on
into the dining room

and I'll keep an eye out
for her?

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, doc, are you ready?
She's coming down the stairs.

Oh, that's
the husband stealer.

Uh-huh.
Think you can handle her?

In my hands,
she'll be silly putty.

Oh, hi. I'm Adam bricker,
the ship's doctor.

Perhaps we could have
a little drink and then some dinner,

and afterwards...
Who knows?

Or to put it another
way... who cares?

Look, Ted, you've got
to tell the prince

that you weren't
giving him Janet.

I know, I know. I asked
him to meet me here.

I'm gonna tell him now.

Here he comes.

Good evening,
your highness.

Ah, captain!

And my very
good friend, Ted.

Ah, your highness.

I asked you to meet me--

because you bring me
my lovely Janet.

Oh, well...

I shall not forget
your kindness

when my country makes
the oil concessions.

Your countrymen
shall honor you.

Well, you see--

henceforth,

all my brother princes shall
also deal favorably with you,

because you are
a man of your word.

Now, about Janet?

Jan-- Janet!
She's, uh, resting.

Resting? Ah, resting! Yes,
of course, all the excitement.

Well, perhaps we should
have dinner first.

You'll dine at my table,
of course.

Thank you.

I'll join you
in a moment.

Ohh.

I know. I just
couldn't tell him now.

I'm going to have
to find a better time.

If he runs into Janet,
there could be trouble.

I'm just gonna have to
keep her out of his sight

until I figure out
how to tell him.

Look, it's got to be
done just right,

or else a million
American gas stations

are gonna turn
into taco stands.

[Cymbal crashes]

[Cheers, applause]

Hi, girls.

Hi! How are you doing?

Hello again.

Oh, hi.

We'll see you
at the table.

So long, gopher.

Excuse me, miss, um,
do you think that we could pick up where we left off,

and recapture
the magic moments?

I'm sorry.
That was all a mistake. I shouldn't have done it.

Mistake?

No problem.

Uh, where are you going?

I thought you said
it was a mistake--

I've got to learn to
control myself around you.

You're so irresistible.

I can dig it.

I can see that boy
smothering that girl flat.

You can let go now.

I'm Jeanne monfort and
I owe you an explanation.

Oh, no. Listen, hey,
whenever you want to kiss me, you just help yourself.

I'll try to remain
puckered-up at all times.

You see, Mr. Fleers
has been coming on a little strong.

I figured if he thought
I had an old boyfriend on board,

he'd leave me alone.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Look, there's
got to be a better way to handle this.

I'll just tell texie,
our choreographer,

and she'll make him
leave me alone.

You don't have to do that.

I'm always around,
in this handy container.

You don't mind?

No problem.

I can handle unlimited
amounts of affection

without breaking out.

[Laughs] Okay.
See you later.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Lovely girl, isn't she?

Yes.

I suppose she's been
telling you that I, uh,

offered her a prominent
position in my company.

No.

No? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I need your help.
I need to get her alone

and talk about the deal,
you know what I mean?

But it's hard when she's being
so friendly to an old friend.

You do care about
her future, don't you?

Well, sure.

I can't tell you how happy
I am to hear about that.

And what you're doing for me,

finding yourself
a new girlfriend and all,

that could have a bearing
on your future, too.

That gives you something
to think about, huh?

Yeah, I guess
it does, Mr. Fleers.

Yeah! You just
call me Mason.

All my friends do.

Mason.

I suppose you'd like Ross
to get out of flying.

Whatever he decides
is fine.

I can be very happy
with him either in or out of his uniform.

I suppose out of
his uniform's more fun.

[Gloria laughing]

It's a play on words,
actually. Flyer, flier...

[Laughs]

I'm going to have to do
something about that woman.

Tell me, how do you manage
all the cheerleaders?

I have trouble enough
just looking after one girl.

It's not so bad.

We try to cause trouble,

but she's tough.

Say, I'll bet old prince here
could help you out on that!

As many wives as you got,
boy, you got to be an expert on women!

My friend, I'm afraid
there is no such thing.

Madam, your job may
soon become easier.

Before long,
there may be one less for you to look out for.

Now, if you will
all excuse me,

i should like to take
a walk on deck.

Captain, why would I have
one less cheerleader?

Well, uh... maybe he's
hoping that one will defect to the oilers.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Now, if I was really
the smooth type,

I'd be lighting
two cigarettes for us.

Like Paul henreid
in now, voyager.

I just love
all the old movies.

You remind me
of another one.

Love affair.

Oh?

Charles boyer,

Irene dunne...

And...

Maria ouspenskaya.

I'm sorry, but when
you say "ouspenskaya,"

your lips just have
to be kissed.

Ouspenskaya.

If only I didn't have
that 10:00 curfew.

It's just as well.
I have to be in early, too.

Oh? Why?

Because...

Nothing, I'm just
kind of tired.

Why don't we go over there,
behind the stairs?

What's going on?
You keep dragging me from one dark place to another.

Are you ashamed
to be seen with me?

Ashamed? Don't be silly!
I love being seen with you.

Especially in dark places.

Let's go dance.

Oh, no. It's the prince.
He can't see us.

Why not?

Why not?

Uh, because he'll,
uh, want me to spend the evening with him.

Come on.

I think this ship
is just beautiful.

I'm glad you like it.

This is the lido deck,
remember?

Yes, the girls
were dancing here.

That's right.

Captain!

Do you know where is Ted?

No, I'm sorry.

There had better be
a very good explanation.

Is anything the matter?

Only if you're
an oil burner.

Come on. This way.

This is ridiculous!

Just tell the prince
you want to be with me.

He'll understand.

Wanna bet?

You straighten things out
with him right now,

or tomorrow morning I will.

Hmm. Maybe with
a little luck,

tonight we'll hit
an iceberg.

I like it like this.
It looks pretty.

Handsome. Almost
thicker than mine. Ha!

Oh! Come in.

Hi, nara.

Good morning.

Oh! What a beautiful
kimono.

Thank you.
Or as you say, Arigato!

I'm almost
finished, see?

Yeah. Did you happen
to bring a bikini?

No, I don't own one.

Uh, I grew up in a very
conservative family,

and I guess
I'm still a little shy.

Oh, well, with your figure,
you have nothing to be shy about.

Why don't you
give it a try?

Maybe in time.

Ah.

Nara, may I make
a suggestion?

Yes.

Forget the sewing.
Go buy yourself a sun-suit

and get up on deck
with your husband.

But the major
is not lonely up there.

Yes, I know.
That's the problem.

You see, on this cruise,
not all of the sharks are in the ocean.

Julie, uh...
About Mrs. Beaumont.

Yes.

It would be a wonderful thing
if you could introduce her to some people.

She's had a rough time.
She's lonely, she wants some attention.

She needs it.

I've noticed.

Somebody she can
spend some time with.

Right now,
she's pretty helpless, okay?

Helpless?

Hello, girls.

Hi.

If you will excuse me,
I've got to go down to the cabin a moment.

No problem,
take your time.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Uh-huh?

[All laugh]

Isaac, have you

seen Walter?

Walter?

Oh, your friend.
No, I haven't.

I can't seem to get him
out of that bed.

Maybe he's
a little seasick.

No. He's lovesick.

Oh.

Well, I suppose
that would do it, too, Mr. Henson.

Henson? Henson?

From the Chicago office,
the newlywed?

Uh, that's right,
Mr. Fleers.

Say, that must be some
honeymoon you're on.

I haven't seen
that little bride since you've been on the boat.

You must have seen her, Isaac.
You took champagne.

What'd she look like?

Tall!

Blonde.

Clean-shaven.
I mean, nice complexion.

Say, since I'm paying
for the honeymoon,

name that first kid
after me, huh?

[Forced laughter]

Thanks a lot, Isaac.

If fleers ever found out
my brother was honeymooning without a bride,

Walter would die
of embarrassment.

Oh, that's okay.

Your brother?
You mean, he...

Called off his marriage
at the last minute. See you later, Isaac.

Not Isaac.
You can call me dumbo, or you can call me loco.

Oh.

Instead of me
selling him a deal,

that cat wound up
selling me one!

That was a bad deal!

It's what we call
in my business a lamb biting the butcher.

Anyway, I'm looking forward
to seeing you girls at the ball tonight.

It's gonna be good.

Thank you, Mr. Fleers.

Say, how do you know
that Mr. Henson over there?

Know him? Honey, I'm the one
paying for his honeymoon.

He hasn't let that
little girl out of the room since he's been on board!

You know what I mean.
[Laughing]

His honeymoon?

I am so sorry, honey.

Men. They're all turkeys!

I'll catch up
with you all later.

Okay.

Hi, old friend.

Oh, hi, Jeanne.

I thought you were gonna
stay puckered-up for me, not run away from me.

Uh... right.
Uh, well...

Something has come up
beyond my control.

Mr. Fleers,
is something wrong?

Every time I turn around,
that young officer there is forcing his attentions

on that young cheerleader.

Gopher? [Laughing]
You must be mistaken.

Hell, I wish I were,
but I had to speak to him twice about it already.

Oh, well, maybe I'll have
a few words with him myself.

Though I still
can't believe--

no, no, no.

No, like you say,
he's probably a fine boy.

I'll have
another talk with him, one more should do it.

Keeps it more unofficial
that way.

As you wish.

It's just that
I got an awful lot of work to do.

I was hoping we could go
ashore together in mazatlán.

It's like I said,
I'm busy.

Okay, forget it.

[Deep sigh]

Hey, i--

aah!

Mr. Fleers!
Mr. Fleers!

Mr. Fleers!
Uh, Mr. Fleers? I'm sorry!

Listen, somebody
get a doctor. Get doc!

Uh... Mr. Fleers?
Mr. Fleers.

[Gopher] Sir!

What happened?

It was a complete
accident, sir.

He's out cold.

Sir, it's not as bad
as it looks.

It's worse.

[Julie, over pa]
Dr. Bricker, please report

to the starlight deck.

You do everything
on time.

I keep trying.

I get the broken
left-handed one.

But it hits better
from the right.

Hi, honey.
What are you up to?

I'm trying
to teach Julie

how to write her name
in Japanese.

Without much success.

Stick to it.
It takes a while.

I still don't know
how to do it.

Ross, you're
starting to burn.

Am I?

Here. Here's some
lotion for you.

Thank you.

I'll do it
for you, major.

You will?

Why not?

Oh, golly.

[Gloria chuckles]
Don't worry.

I'm just a taxpayer protecting
government property.

All right.
Come on, slim.

[Gloria] See you later.

[Soft piano music playing]

Hi, Janet.

Have you told the prince?

[Sighs] No, not yet.
It's just not that simple.

Why not?
What's going on?

Okay. Are you ready?

He doesn't think
I gave him a computer chess set.

He thinks I gave him
something else.

You mean he has
another hobby?

Mm-hmm.

So, just give him
the gift he's expecting. What's the problem?

It's you.

I'm the problem?

No, the gift.
He thinks I gave him you, as a bride.

Me? That's crazy!

Yeah, well, he's already
got the old shoes and the rice waiting.

Tell him
it was a mistake!

After which, he'll
cancel the oil deal with fleers.

After which,
fleers will personally throw me overboard.

Well, you can't
let it go on any longer.

Yeah, I know.

Ted, just tell him!

Don't run away
from your problems.

Be a guy
who deals with them.

Gopher?

Oh, Isaac.
You heard. Come on in.

Gopher hasn't
gotten back yet?

No.

He's still off
in a meeting with fleers and the captain.

How's it look?

It'll be all right.

The captain knows
gopher would never hit a passenger.

The problem is that fleers
had reported gopher earlier

for being troublesome.

Yeah, but we have
to think positive.

Hi, guys.

Well, how'd it go?

About as I expected.
I'm no longer an assistant purser.

I'm an assistant passenger.
I've been suspended from duty.

Oh, no.

But you didn't
hit fleers, did you?

Didn't he explain
that to the captain?

Well, Mr. Fleers isn't
exactly sure what happened.

So, until his mind clears,
sugar ray Smith is out of a job.

Gopher, I'm sorry,
but I had no choice.

I had to relieve you
of your duties,

but you'll get a chance
to tell your side of it to the board

when we get back
to Los Angeles.

Oh, that's okay, sir.
No problem.

Actually, it's kind of
fun being a passenger.

Hello, girls.

Hi, captain.

Hi, gopher.

Hi.

I'm terribly
sorry, gopher. It was all my fault.

Hey, what's everybody
so sorry about?

I'm finally getting
a chance to cruise

in a style to which I'd like
to become accustomed.

-Maybe if we talked
to the captain? -It was an accident.

He'd understand.

Well, you know, it's
probably a good thing.

I was really getting
in a rut in this job.

There are a lot of
other big opportunities for me out there.

Sure, goph.

Well, okay.
Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

You'll be able
to explain things at the hearing.

Oh, yeah. My word
against a millionaire's.

Jeanne, I don't know
what I'm going to do without this job.

The sea is my whole life.

Something'll turn up.

Yeah, I suppose so.
I'm still young.

I can start again,
find something new.

Or I can go back to running
the kiddie boat ride at jungleland.

[Julie, on pa]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to mazatlán.

We hope you enjoy your day.

Janet was
absolutely right.

You can't put off telling
the prince another second.

Yeah.

And here's your chance.

Ah, my friend!

You-- you have found
the beautiful Janet?

Well--

marvelous.

Now the wedding
can commence.

Your highness--

Allah is kind.

He has seen fit
to relieve my sorrow.

As I told the captain,

I recently lost one of
my most dearest ladies

in a no-limit poker game.

-Poker game?
-Jacks or better.

But happily, now we have
a replacement.

You will arrange
to bring Janet to me?

[Clears throat]

Well, it will be
my pleasure.

Why didn't you tell him?

There's got to be
a better way.

Look, you're dealing with
a very sharp poker player.

The more you bluff,
the more you're going to lose.

[Laughter]

Mr. Fleers?

Yeah.

Mason, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Boy, could you.
You boys, uh,

mind waiting
for me down there? You know what I mean?

What happened
with you and gopher, it was just an accident.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I, uh, I'd hate to think

that boy had any violent
tendencies about him.

He doesn't. And if you
explained things to the captain,

it would be
a great favor to me.

Oh. Well, well.

I've got to go into town
with these salesmen right now, but...

[Chuckles] ...Maybe you and I
can talk about it tonight after dinner, before the show?

-Well...
-Say, I'd like to do you a favor.

I mean, that's what makes
the world go around, isn't it?

Folks going around
doing favors for each other.

You know what I mean?

[Julie, over pa]
Attention all passengers.

We will be departing
mazatlán in one half-hour.

[Laughter]

I love your hat.
I think it's great. Bye-bye.

Hey, any new passengers
get on board in mazatlán for the trip back?

Oh, just a few,
but we're about ready to sail.

Well, maybe I could
help you, or something.

Gee, goph, I really
don't think that's such a good idea.

Well, it's just a thought,
you know.

Actually, I'm so busy

catching up on the lounging
and the relaxation.

Yeah.

Great life.

Mm-hmm.

See you.

Mm-hmm.

She won't even
talk to you?

No.

She's probably
found someone else.

Someone who's loaded.

Maybe even that
fleers character.

You don't know that.

No, you had the right idea
about women.

You learned with Harriet.
I'm learning with jayne Ann.

Hi, excuse me,
I'm Harriet Bryce.

I booked passage
back to Los Angeles.

Yes, of course, miss Bryce.
You're on the promenade deck, cabin 110.

Go through those doors
and to the left.

Ah.

Is my cabin as good
as the honeymoon suite?

That's where my fiancé is,
with his best man,

and, well, I intend
on traveling in the same style as he is.

Bye-bye.

Julie, is there anything
going on tonight?

Oh, yes, at midnight

there's the big show
with the cheerleaders.

And before that, there's
a dance. Do you disco?

Well, I've watched
on TV, but...

Oh, I could teach you
in ten minutes.

Thank you, but I'm not sure
I'd be comfortable

doing it in public just yet.

Oh. [Laughs]

Guess what.

What?

That dress.

I think it'd look
marvelous on you.

You really think so?

Yes, I really do.

There you are!

Gloria.

Yes?

Your expertise is wanted.

I'm trying to convince nara
that she would look wonderful in that dress.

Oh, no, Ross,
it wouldn't do at all.

Men don't understand
things like that.

Uh, Gloria,
I like the dress.

But, darling, it takes
a Fuller figure to carry that off.

-Are you sure about that?
-Trust me.

Nara is far
too exquisite to wear such trendy fashions.

Thanks. Well, so much
for that great idea.

Are you going
to the party?

Hmm? Um...

Well, nara does dance,
doesn't she?

-Well, actually--
-she could go to the movies, then.

Well... let's try
the party, okay?

I'll get my shawl
from the cabin.

Take your time.
We'll see you there.

You certainly will.

[Knock on door]

Ah, good evening.

That depends.

Oh, nice,
very beautiful.

Really beautiful.

Your highness,
I am so pleased that you approve of Janet.

She's got every
possible quality.

Including invisibility?

There's only one thing
I could think of

that would be even
better than having a girl like Janet

as a part of
your entourage.

Yes, and what
might that be?

Having two.

Or three.

Or more.

How could such a dream
be possible?

Well, you do play poker,
don't you?

And you intend
to use these as chips.

If you will forgive me,
how do I know that you can arrange such a thing,

that the young ladies
would be willing?

Oh, your highness.
You don't seem to realize

what a romantic
figure you are.

And besides, what girl
wouldn't want to be a real Princess?

I don't know, I already
have the lovely Janet.

Why should I take a chance
of losing her?

[Whistles]

Ah.

Care to cut them?

Julie McCoy, please.

Julie? This is nara.

Could you come up
to my room right away?

Thank you.

Ugh!

So, that's the story.
The only way to get gopher re-hired

is to organize
against fleers.

But he seems
like a nice man.

Hey, I'm sure he's a nice guy,
he's just hooked on power.

So let's show him
we have some power, too. Are you with me?

Count me in.

I'm for it.

Me, too.

I'm sold.

Right on.

I say go.

[Cheering]

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hi, nara.
You called?

Well, what are you doing?

A little remodeling.

My wardrobe and me.

Oh?

You said you could
teach me to disco.

You want to learn!
Oh, sure!

I could teach you
to disco, no problem.

Just a sec!

[Disco track begins]

Okay, well, let's see.

The secret's
all in the old hips, you just swivel your hips.

Like this?

Yeah. Well, that's
the general idea.

But you're letting
your motor stall.

You got to really
keep it in gear.

Here. Like this?

That's better!
It's a lot like the hula.

Just pretend you've got
a crop of grass on your left hip

and a crop of grass
on your right hip,

and then you just
rotate the crops.

Rotate the crops,
like this?

Yeah! Looks like we're going
to have a heck of a harvest!

Now, follow me, okay?

Okay.

Keep doing this.
Step, step, step-step-step.

Step, step,
step-step-step.

Yeah, that's it.

Now have fun with it.
Disco! Yeah!

[Both laughing]

One, two,
a one, two, three.

I'm sure you're
gonna have a good time. I'll see you there.

Hi.

Gopher.

How's it going?

Julie, I've got to
get my job back. I'm going...

Oh.

I was gonna throw
myself overboard, but the tux isn't paid for.

You can't think like that.

Right. Right.

Well, I could put
my head in an oven,

but I'm not allowed
in the kitchen anymore.

You're gonna get
your job back.

Julie, how?

It's gonna take a miracle.

[Phone rings]

Purser's desk.
Yes, this is Julie.

Oh, hi, Jeanne.

You're what?

Oh, yes.

Well, I sure hope
it works out. Yeah. Good luck.

Gopher, I think you're
about to get your miracle.

Hmm?

The cheerleaders are
going to force fleers to get your job back.

Julie, come on,
they can't pressure fleers.

They work for him.
They're doing a show for him.

Well, that's just it.
There isn't going to be any show.

They're all about to
become very, very ill.

-What's wrong?
-Nothing yet,

but I'm sure they'll have
something by the time fleers gets there.

Julie, that's blackmail.

Mm-hmm.
Isn't it wonderful?

Harriet?

Hud!

Hey!

Oh, hey!

How did you get here?

I came aboard at mazatlán.

I had been promised
a cruise, you know, so I decided to take it.

Hey, this is great!

Yeah.

Look, I know Walt's over
this crazy jealousy of his.

Come on, let me
take you to him.

All right!

Walter, we have a visitor.

I thought you said he, uh,
never left the cabin.

Well, I'm sure
he'll be right back.

You see, hud was
just protecting me from my embarrassment.

You're the only girl
in his life.

It's so sweet of you
to help out like this.

Ah.

Harriet!

Hud!

Wait a minute,
that's not his girl. It's mine.

What are you doing
here with him?

What are you doing
here with her?

Answer him first.
What are you doing here with her?

Nothing. I just
brought her down to prove hud's not married.

Neither are you!

All right, hold it.

Come on, you two.
Get your act together.

And why don't you
and I step outside and do the same?

I was such a dummy.

You're absolutely right.

Don't be so agreeable.
What was wrong with your brother?

He can't hack it that Harriet
had an affair before they met.

Hey.

Maybe we can
help him out.

Hmm.

I'm not here to beg,
but hud said maybe you had come to your senses.

Gee, Harriet--

oh, excuse me.

I'm looking for my book.

What happened
to jayne Ann?

I told her

we'd better cool it.

But she's crazy
about you.

I could tell that
when she came down.

Oh, there it is.

What, have you
gone bananas?

You're going to
read a book

when there's stars
and a moon out there,

and a great girl
that you care for?

I really shouldn't
get involved with her.

She's had other
boyfriends before.

What do you expect?
She's an attractive girl.

And what difference
does it make, anyway? That's all in the past.

Can you believe what
this Turkey's saying?

The question is,
do you?

Excuse me,
she's waiting.

I've been had.

Forgive me?

Neither of us need to be
forgiven, just understood.

Openers bet two.
Yassim and Miriam.

I shall not lose you,
my little darlings.

Okay, I'll see your two
with Carrie...

Kim, and bump you
with Annette.

How many more?

Give me three.

Now, what do you mean
there's not going to be a show tonight?

I'm terribly sorry,
Mr. Fleers.

There seems to be a bug
going around.

A bug? Happened all of
a sudden, didn't it?

We feel so terrible,
Mr. Fleers.

After you promised
all your customers.

And the prince will be
awfully disappointed.

Hmm. You know, I...
[Chuckles]

I was thinking about talking
to the captain tomorrow about that fella, gopher.

That's real nice
of you, Mr. Fleers.

Sure is. Our colds
ought to be better by tomorrow, too.

The show's tonight,
though, isn't it?

Yes, it is, it is.

Maybe I'll go up there
and talk to the captain now

and have gopher bring
you girls down some aspirin.

That'd be real nice.

Especially if he were
back in uniform.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yes!
I know what you mean.

We'd like to do a favor
for you, Mr. Fleers.

That's what makes
the world go around,

everyone doing favors
for each other.

[Laughing] You're
so fierce, you girls!

You got to promise me
one thing.

Say, you can't ever
let the world know

how you beat old Mason fleers
at his own game

and with his own bat!

Hey! Good one!

But you got a deal!

[Cheering]

[Knock on door]

Well, it looks like
winner takes all.

Including the lovely Janet.
What do you have?

Queens over 10s,
full house.

I'm afraid...

You win.

[Sighs]

I win!

Thank you. Thank you
very much, prince.

Allow me to return
your three wives to you.

You are most gracious.

As are you.

So, captain, you have
witnessed my loss of the lovely Janet.

Your highness, will you
allow me to take a look at your cards?

Why, may I ask?

Just curious to see
how badly you were beaten,

or if you were beaten
at all.

Captain, you have
the instincts of a desert warrior.

Be my guest.

Four aces.

Why?

Once my blood had cooled
over the thought of the lovely Janet,

i realized I was in
western civilization,

and that the young man
could not deliver what he had promised.

Why didn't you
call him on it?

My ancestors would shudder
over such a simple solution.

No! One can only judge a man
when he is under pressure.

His solution was ingenious.
He is a gambler, I like that.

Remember, if he lost,
he would be ruined.

What he did took courage.

Hmm. Or insanity.

Sometimes, are they
not both the same thing?

[Disco music playing]

Well, she'll be here.
She just went to get her shawl.

Oh, she's probably
overwhelmed, poor little thing.

Sometimes,
they never adjust.

She's closing fast.

Now, look, if the major
and his wife have a meaningful relationship,

no ex-girlfriend,
no matter how clever or sexy,

could make a dent in them.

Do you really
believe that?

No.

My god!
She's a perfect ten!

I clock her
as a 12.5.

Gentlemen, this lady
is looking for a dancing partner.

Excuse me, captain.
You'll just have to take a number.

That's my wife.

I wonder where she learned
to dance like that.

I don't know,
but I bet she had a heck of a teacher.

And that's some little shawl
she put together.

She must be kidding.

Excuse me, captain.

Yes.

Lovely evening,
isn't it?

[Music stops]

Thank you.

[Slow track begins]

You are full of
surprises.

I wish I had words...

To tell you

what it means

to see you like this.

I am so ashamed,
to be so conspicuous.

I never should have
displayed myself like this.

Nara, there is nothing
wrong with that.

They loved it.
I loved it.

Then what you love
is a sham.

[Voice breaking]
I am not this.

Inside, I am still me.

All I want you to be
is yourself.

Always, nobody else.

But if you're
going to be a...

Wild and crazy kinda girl
from time to time,

I will love her, too,
I promise.

You know, this dress
is kind of pretty.

Oh, you noticed?

And the dancing was--
was fun.

[Laughs]

Perhaps before long--

shh, shh.

[Fanfare playing]

[Stubing]
Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen!

Through the courtesy
of Mason fleers...

The love boat
proudly presents

the Dallas cowboys
cheerleaders!

[Band playing "no more tears
(Enough is enough)"]

[No audible dialogue]

[Applause]

[Cheering]

[Music stops]

[Band strikes up again]

[Cheering]

[Whistles]

Bravo!

Oh!

[Music stops]

What a shame we didn't
meet until last night.

Say, maybe you ought
to think about coming down to Dallas.

I could use a bright
young girl like you in the business.

You know what I mean?

[Laughing] Sure I do!

Where have I
heard that?

[Southern accent]
I just might get down to Dallas myself.

You think you could?

Sure! You know how close
the captain and I are.

Next time we go down
to acapulco,

I might have him detour
through Texas.

Bye.

[Southern accent] Bye!

We'll have to go cruising
with you again, Isaac.

And who knows, next time
there might even be a bride in the honeymoon suite.

That'd make a nice change.

So long.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Isaac.

Hey!

Listen, I hope you
enjoyed the cruise.

Oh, it was wonderful!
It was so exciting.

And last night
was terrific.

It was just spectacular.

Yeah, those cheerleaders
were great.

Cheerleaders?

I'm talking
about Walter.

Walter, Walter,
all right!

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

See you, Isaac.

Gee it was sure
great meeting you Mrs. Latham.

I hope that both of you
can come and visit us when we get settled.

My wife is,
among many other things, a fantastic cook.

Oh, that sounds great.
I love Japanese food.

Don't be too surprised
if you get hot dogs and French fries.

-Goodbye.
-Sayonara.

Sayonara!

"Sayonara!"
you doubled your vocabulary.

Oh.

Well, it certainly was
a memorable cruise, your highness, but...

Some things
just don't add up.

Why should

all things add up?

Please accept this gift
for you and your friend, the gambler.

But Ted
doesn't gamble.

I see.

Well, someday,
you must tell Janet

how close she came
to being a desert bride.

They're keys,
car keys.

With best wishes
from me...

And your other
good friends,

whom I let in
on this secret.

[Squeals, chatter]

[Excited chatter]

[All] Bye!

Bye!

See ya!

Bye!

[All chattering]

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