All language subtitles for Casting.Couch.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

[rumbling]

[whoosh]

Hi, I'm Lindsay Griffin.

I'm Chelsea Morgan.

Kristin Fox.

Taylor Hawkins.

I'm Jenny.

Alex Taylor.

Hi.

Dallas Mitchell, reading
for the role of Brooke.

I'm Justin.

But some people
call me brilliant.

[MUSIC - JOSIAH HAWLEY,
"AMERICA [BE ANYONE]"]

[SINGING] America.

And for those of you
that don't yet, you will.

[SINGING] Be anyone.

Tell no one.

Get laid.

Today's the day
that I officially

realized that my life sucks.

Yes, I'm hungover.

Yes, last night was my birthday.

And yes, I woke up alone again--

well, not totally alone.

Come say hi, Newt.

Uh, hi.

And right now, I should be
going on my next audition.

But I'm not going to.

Go ahead, Newt.

Ask me why.

NEWT: Why?

Because I won't get the part.

I never get the part.

And honestly, I really
don't want the part

in this shitty, low
budget, independent movie

with a bunch of shitty
fucking wannabe actors.

Do you know what I really want?

Go ahead, Newt.

Ask me.

NEWT: What do you
really want, Justin?

To get laid by a
ridiculously hot chick.

I have no idea what
he's talking about.

He wants me to shoot
some kind of documentary.

But he offered me 10 bucks
and a Chipotle burrito

for every day I follow
him around with my camera.

What?

Don't act like you're all cool.

You're unemployed.

This is true.

[music playing]

Problem is, the type of
girls that I want to bang

don't want to bang me.

These Hollywood hotties
want a guy with power.

They want someone who
can change their life.

And by life, I mean career.

Oh, the perfect hangover cure.

[rustling]

[angelic chorus]

This documentary
is about a group

of dudes who held a fake
casting session for a fake movie

so that we can
get laid for real.

Come on, Newt.

Let's go get Chase.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I bet you don't mind--

Hey, roomie.
- Get out.

He's like a kitten
in the morning.

I need you to get
over Jordan, man.

I'm over her.

Hm, it doesn't look like it.

[SINGING] But you
kissed me goodbye.

It's really over this time.

My roommate, maybe you've
heard of him, Chase Lockwood,

he's a major star
in China and India

for some B horror
alien film he did.

He might even be a bigger
star in West Hollywood

for starring in what I like
to call the bisexual parody

of "Twilight."

He was the "Edward."

That's what you always say, bro.

People that break up 17 times
are not meant to be together.

You don't understand.

Understand what?

She was the best sex ever.

You know, it did
sound pretty good--

paper thin.

Now, Chase's ex-girlfriend,
Jordan Holliday,

she's a smoking hot chick.

But I'm sure you
know that, seeing

as she is a huge movie star.

[music - letter q, "cherry lie"]

[SINGING] She's so hot.

She's dynamite.

Take her home.

Gonna make--

But she's the biggest bitch
west of the Mississippi.

I think her exact words were--

I need a man, not a boy.

I love my roommate,
love living in his condo.

But he's totally
one of those actors.

And we're stating he's a model
too, not for anything good.

In fact, he may be the
vainest person in Los Angeles,

complete with a
"Zoolander" complex.

[music - letter q, "cherry lie"]
[SINGING] She's so hot.

She's dynamite.
Take her home.

And gonna make--

In fact, if you
ask him, he'll tell

you he invented "Zoolander."

Do I have a
"Zoolander" complex?

Psh, no.

But I did come up with the idea.

So I was sitting in a
Starbucks, and I was

telling this chick the idea.

And I was probably talking
really loud, you know,

because I was excited.

And I looked over,
and there's fucking

Ben Stiller standing
there listening to me

while he waited for his coffee.

And what was Ben
Stiller drinking?

And then he walked out
with his Frappuccino.

But my roommate's
going to be a very

valuable asset to the plan.

If I'm going to
cast a fake movie,

I'm going a need a somewhat
recognizable actor attached.

At least he has credits.

[drums]

I need you, man.

I need good sex.

Exactly.

I'll help you-- not by
playing with your pecker.

[sighs] You're going
to get me Jordan back.

No, I'll get you
someone hotter.

[scoffs] Not possible.

OK, someone equally as
hot, another actress--

you can make her jealous.

I'm listening.

Every audition
I go to, there's

a line of girls out the door.

And then when you
get inside, it's

a bunch of douchebags
holding auditions.

So Justin tells
me he has a plan.

These guys aren't even cool.

But they do have the attention
of over 100 smoking hot chicks.

Justin's a nice guy.

He's got a kind face.

He's instantly likable.

But if I had to describe him
in a phrase, he's ultra medium.

I mean, I'm a
good looking guy.

He's not good looking.

But he's not bad, I guess.

I'm hilarious.

He's not funny.

But he's not not funny.

I've got a job.

His job sucks ass.

But at least he's got one.

So why can't I have
one of these girls?

Ah, Justin, OK, I'll play
along with your little game.

So Chase is in.

Him and I are going to be
the leads in this fake movie.

But now we need a crew.

Time to assemble the
team, "Ocean's 11" style.

I love how Justin makes
an "Ocean's 11" reference.

He totally views himself
like George Clooney.

Well, newsflash, J-Bone,
you're no Clooney.

But I can see how he'd
think I'd be the Brad Pitt.

[camera shutter]

[music playing]

[SINGING] We're living
here in Hollywood

under the skies of blue.

These guys, also brilliant.

What's up, beeyotches?

What's, uh, what's
up with the camera?

Today's the first day
of the rest of our lives.

Hell yeah it is.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Are you
ever thinking of me?

Ross, we got company.

[SINGING] Everything
farther and farther away--

And a camera?

AUSTIN: And a camera.

What's up, fellas?

Yo.

Hey, buddy.

So apparently, our
lives are about to change.

OK.

Get this.

I want to hold a fake
audition for a fake movie

so that we can meet and
cast a lot of hot bitches.

I fucking love it.

I don't know how
I feel about it.

That's because you think
with your head too much, man.

Use your cock and balls
like the rest of us.

That's where you
guys would come in.

You'd be the writers.

Of the fake movie?

- Exactly.
- Genius.

I know, right?

So you want us to
write a fake script?

Well, not an entire script.

I don't need a whole
screenplay, just

an idea and then a
few scenes we can

use during a casting session.

Ross and Austin,
also known as Rostin,

just got done writing a
bomb-ass vampire web series.

These guys write hot girl
parts better than anyone

I've ever known.

You don't know any
other writers, do you?

Not as good as Rostin.

Thanks, bro-ski.

All right, what's it
supposed to be about?

It's up to you,
whatever you want.

You're essentially the brains
behind this fake project.

It just needs to star a bunch
of hot girls, like four or five,

basically one for each of us.

And they should be
described in detail to look

like the girls of our dreams.

Do we get an IMDB credit
for writing a fake movie?

This is fucking phenomenal.

Each one of us will,
in great detail,

write out an audition
notice for our perfect girl.

Well, it's got to
be a horror film.

Yes, horror films love sluts.

And there's got to be
a big group of girls.

Oh, and they get lost while
they're camping in the woods.

No, not out in the woods.

Mud wrestling tournament.

Be realistic.

What?

This isn't a real movie.

Slumber party.

Jackpot.

Bam.

"The Bloody Slumber Party."

Yeah, I could star in that.

Five girls having a slumber
party all get brutally

murdered in a house over night.

Not bad.

Chase and I play two
of their boyfriends.

We show up and save the day.

I'm going to write
in my perfect girl.

And I'll finally write mine.

And we're going to write in
one more girl, because we're

going to need a happy producer.

I've never produced anything.

JUSTIN: But you're
good with money.

But this isn't a real movie.

JUSTIN: But it is
a real documentary.

Yeah, I noticed the camera.

What's up, Newt?

NEWT: Hey, Ben.

Focus.

I'm listening.

Ross and Austin are writing
scenes for the fake movie.

It's called "The
Bloody Slumber Party."

Yeah, I get it.

So you're in?

No, and I don't think
girls will be either.

Of course they will be.

This is LA.

There's tons of sexy
hopefuls out there.

Creating a fake movie
is not going to make girls

want to date you.

Have you ever tried?

He had a point.

You have a point.

JUSTIN: You see?

But what are we going
to do when they find

out that there's no real movie?

I don't know.

We'll stretch out
as long as we can.

How long is that?

Uh, long enough for a kick
off party and a table read.

How do you have a table
read without a script?

Maybe that's where
it'll all end then.

At the table read, we'll
tell them the truth.

It's a terrible idea.

But the girls
will still be happy.

Why the hell would
they still be happy?

Because obviously
they were all actresses

in this documentary.

Girls aren't going
to go for this.

He'll probably get sued.

I'm in.

Praise Jesus.

I've known Ben
since kindergarten.

The first time I fingered a
girl was at his eighth grade

birthday party.

He's a cool guy, but he's never
had much luck with the ladies.

It's because he's anal, and he
used to be an advertising dork.

But now that he's laid off,
he should be a movie producer.

I bet his ratio of pussy
to pussy-less nights

would change drastically.

But we're going to make
all the girls sign something.

He's a smart guy.

I knew he was a no-brainer.

Like what?

I don't know, some
kind of release form.

You can't put girls
in a documentary

without their consent.

And you can't put
me in it either.

[clang]

[music playing]

He's super successful.

He owns a company.

- What kind of company?
- I don't know.

What kind of company?

I don't know.

But he's got the best pot.

Fantastic.

But he has produced
a movie before, right?

Yeah.

And the ladies love him.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Four, three, two, one.

Oh, why thank you, Bambi.

Sure thing, Big J.

AUSTIN: Ain't she a peach?

She's not ugly.

And if you like brunettes--

hey, Ariel, say hi to the boys.

Hi, boys.

[SINGING] Raise your
hand and say so.

I wonder if Johnson
needs a pool boy.

A fake casting session, huh?

Yeah, that sounds
like a fun idea.

So you're in?

Whoa, ho, ho, I don't
need any more hot chicks.

He doesn't.

Everyone that knows
Johnson loves Johnson.

And Johnson knows
a lot of people.

He's kind of like the
Hugh Hefner of the 818.

So what do you need from
me as executive producer?

Just your name.

And maybe your place for
a killer kickoff party.

That kid was so pathetic.

I just couldn't tell him no.

Plus, I like Chase.

He's my boy.

And he'd probably make
a lot of money too.

You rock, dude.

I know.

I'm best at producing smiles.

[SINGING] So we here
with the play and your--

[music playing]

We got almost
everyone we need.

But we still need to
figure out some logistics.

Like what?

Like where are we going
to shoot most of this?

Where are we going
to hold auditions?

Who's going to direct it?

Oh, yeah, we totally
need a director.

Can Newt just direct it?

I don't know.

Can you, Newt?

NEWT: I'd rather not.

You know any good directors?

Not good directors.

Yeah, you should see
some of his movies.

What?

I got some awesome fans.

For some reason, Chase
forwards me his fan e-mails.

They're usually from
dudes or Indians--

not the feather kind,
the ones with dots.

And you've never worked
as an actor in this town,

so you don't know any directors.

Actually, I did this one play.

Oh, yeah, that
was really funny.

The director, Parker,
he's kind of crazy.

Crazy good, like an
artist, or crazy bad?

Crazy like he
yelled in my face.

What'd he say?

You're fired.

Yeah, he fired me.

Oh, so this guy might
actually know what he's doing.

Every now and then,
Ben's a real dick.

I mean, I guess
we can ask him.

He is scary and
moody though, but he

does have a nice theater.

I think he lives there.

Perfect.

All right, guys, well,
uh, I got to bounce.

I got lunch with Rihanna.

So, uh, peace.

Is that true?

Who knows?

Well, let's head over to
the theater and ask him.

When he sees the swarm
of attractive women

he'll get to direct,
I'm sure he'll do it.

No fucking way.

Why not?

Because first of all,
I don't even like you.

All I did was
improv one extra line.

And it ruined the
perfect comedic timing

that I had masterminded.

I'm sorry.

That's what they all say.

And secondly, I don't
even like women.

You don't?

You don't?

No, they're annoying, and
they don't have a penis.

Wow, I had no
idea you were gay.

No one knows.

I'm cool like that.

What if we added
a gay character?

- We can't do that.
- Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, it's supposed
to be about a bunch

of hot girls getting
slaughtered at a slumber party.

Well, why don't you
make the killer a gay guy?

I guess we could talk
to Rostin about it.

And I want to kiss a
bunch of straight guys

at these fake auditions.

We haven't exactly
ironed out all the details.

And I want an assistant.

I remember Justin had
a really cute friend

that came to see
his play last year

and got wasted with us after.

Assistant?

Yes, I want a
personal assistant.

You know this isn't a real
movie you're directing, right?

Do you want to use my
name, my credits, my theater?

Yeah.

Then obey my commands.

That's how I do it.

Who was your friend
that came out

with us after opening night?

He was an assistant director,
if I remember correctly.

What was his name?

Uh, uh--

Ryan?

Ryan, that's it, bingo.

So if we get you
a male character,

and Ryan comes on board as
your assistant director--

Personal assistant.

Whatever-- you'll
come on board?

I'll think about it.

[whoosh]

So you want me to be the
assistant director of a film

that you're not really making.

Precisely.

Cool, I'm down.

Hey, boys.

Um, I don't think we've met.

Hey, I'm Ben.

KATIE: Cool, I'm Katie.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, so what you guys doing?

We're making a movie.

Yay.

Can I be in it?

Oh, it's-- it's
not a real movie.

Well, not exactly.

Then I had this
brilliant thought.

Ben always thinks his
thoughts are brilliant.

What if we brought
Katie on board too,

you know, for safe keeping?

Safe keeping?

As producer,
I'm always looking

out for our best interests.

And we do run the risk of
insulting the feminine race.

So having a female
on board would

certainly lessen the blow.

Sometimes he is
actually kind of smart.

She could be our bridge
keeper, a gateway, if you will,

to the other world
we know as women.

I like it.

I love it.

Do you guys have a
casting director yet?

BOTH: We do now.

[music playing]

We're a few short of
11, but pretty solid

crew, if I don't say so myself.

I should probably go tanning.

And the fake little
movie sprouted legs.

Fuck yeah it has.

It's actually pretty good.

We're not really capable
of writing utter shit.

It all centers
around five girls--

Hot sluts.

--who are enjoying
a slumber party.

Until a monster
comes along and rips

their fucking heads off.

Uh, something
along those lines.

I thought I was
playing the lead.

It's not a real movie.

Has anyone told Chase yet?

But I'm in it, right?

So we added Chase Lockwood in
as the lead girl's boyfriend.

He comes in and saves the day.

Can I have brass knuckles?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm supposed
to be one of the fake actors

in the fake movie.

And Justin was being such a
little bitch about everything,

so we told him he could
play Chase's best friend.

We should be brothers.

Nope.

Vampires?

Nope.

Supermodels?

Shut the fuck up, Justin.

OK.

What about the gay character?

I forgot to tell
them we need to write

in a gay character for Parker.

I don't write homos anymore.

[music playing]

We don't have a
choice at this point.

So I agreed.

The fierce monster turned
to a fierce gay guy.

Motive, guys?

One of the girls saw her
boyfriend kissing another guy,

and that made her really upset.

So upset that she
had to have a sleepover

with all of her best friends
and only wear lingerie.

And since the boyfriend wasn't
ready to come out of the closet

just yet, he
obviously had to kill

all of the girls before
his secret spread too far.

So my character gets
killed by an angry gay guy?

BOTH: Yes.
- Fuck.

Long live the angry gay guy.

I'm in.

[music playing]

[SINGING] It's too
late to turn back now,

so turn it up and make it loud.

It's the crowd.

And let them see it's not
for you or you or you.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's for me.

It's too late to turn back now.

Here's where the fun begins.

So the name of the movie is
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

It sounds like a bunch
of girls on their period.

And I'm going to need
each one of you guys

to send me a
detailed description

of the girl of your dreams.

That way, we can
send it to Katie

and get a little
casting notice up.

Big tits.

I second that.

Great, guys.

Gross.

The only thing tatas do
for me is remind me of when

I drank my mother's milk.

Seriously, guys, there's five
girls we need to cast, right?

Yes.

Right.

So that's one for each of us.

And they can look like and
be like whatever we want.

ROSS: Yes, Parker?

And as I understand it,
there's to be one boy.

Two, actually.

JUSTIN: Why two?

Well, if we're going
to have two dudes kiss,

we've got to cast them both.
- No, no, that's OK.

We can just cast the one.

I'll make a cameo appearance.

Why is that Parker guy
always staring at me?

Guys, focus.

I know this plan will work.

But if we're going
to get laid, we're

going to have to take this
casting notice seriously.

So one by one, the
boys described to me

their perfect girl.

Ahem.

And boy.

A good girl-next-door
type, preferably brunette,

good smile, great sense
of humor, a little quirky,

has boobs, and isn't crazy.

You know, a
blonde or brunette,

it doesn't really matter.

She has to be a bombshell
though, obviously.

And she has to tolerate this
kid that's in a man's body.

Oh, and she has
to like anal play.

Brunette, petite,
uh, slender to mildly

athletic, gorgeous face,
great smile, sweet ass, small

but with some pop--

it just should fit
perfectly in my hand.

I'm an ass guy, love ass,
not so much for tits but ass.

I want to date
the perfect blonde,

the kind whose looks and smiles
lights up a room, about 5' 2"

to 5' 7", lots of
positive energy,

totally cool though if
she has daddy issues

or is a little unstable--

it makes her easier
to manipulate.

Uh, the perfect guy,
um, so tough to describe--

preppy to jockish,
around 25, muscular--

no, no, not muscular--
well-toned, just not chunky.

Fuck chunky.

I bet I already know
what Chase will say.

It's always the same.

I like a chick who's--

Blonde.

--blonde--

Nice lips.

- --sexy lips--
- Tan.

--fake tan-- well, it
doesn't have to be fake.

Just tan, I guess.

And big boobs.

And big, beautiful
fucking titties.

Well, that was an experience.

OK, maybe this is
an outside opinion,

but did you guys ever think
that doing all of this

could be, um, wrong?

OK, then.

Well, I'd be flattered
if I were chosen.

JUSTIN: Thank you, Katie
That's what I'm saying.

Uh, I did notice one
possible little problem

that we might be facing though.
JUSTIN: What?

Well, nobody
described a, um, uh--

A what?

An ethnic girl.

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

He's got a good argument.

But why does it even matter?

Well, we don't want people
to think we're racist.

JUSTIN: Who's going
to think that?

I don't know, anyone
who looks at the casting

notice or distributors one day.

I mean, we are planning
to market and sell

this as a documentary
eventually, right?

NEWT: He has a point.

- Thank you, Newt.
- No, shut up, Newt.

Just hold the camera and
push the right button

when I tell you to.

Sometimes I think
Justin forgets

who's holding the camera.

I see where
you're coming from.

But this project is about us
getting exactly what we want.

I don't think we need
to worry about catering

to all different colors
and kinds of people.

I mean, unless one of
you guys wants to pick

someone who isn't white?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

I'll bite the bullet.

AUSTIN: Well, that's
certainly kind of you.

"Bite the bullet?"

We're trying to
be as politically

correct and considerate as
possible in this project.

I've always wanted
to bang an Asian chick.

And mark me down
for open ethnicity.

OK, so it's settled.

Katie, you have all the notes?

- Right here.
- Perfect.

Tonight, you, me, and
Ben will post the casting

notice on the break down site.

We'll probably get over 1,000
submissions, maybe a million--

doubtful.

You're going to say I'm
starring in this thing, right?

Yes, sir.

A million.

We'll call in all the girls
that are a seven and above.

Auditions will be next week.

Any final questions?

But we're not actually going
to make the movie, right?

[music playing]

[SINGING] Let's meet
tonight if you want to.

You bring the girls.

I'll bring my crew, yeah.

We get it feeling right.

Rock me tonight if you feel so.

No inhibitions,
just let go, yeah.

You know, you should put
me as a producer as well.

- Why?
- Because it's power.

It'd be a lot easier for me
to get laid if I'm a producer

and not just an actor
with the same casting.

But I thought I was
supposed to be the producer.

We can both be producers.

OK, which one
is it, one or two?

- Two.
- Wait.

What?

How about if I'm the producer,
and you're like a co-producer?

What's the difference?

I've been doing my homework
and researching a variety

of job titles in this industry.

And I found that producer is
sort of like a head honcho.

I used to think it was
the executive producer,

but that's more of a
money guy, and co-producer

is certainly a step below.

I want to be the only
producer on this thing

if I'm actually
going to produce it.

It's a power and
control kind of thing.

I'm good at having both.

Fine, make me co-producer.

Thank you.

You're such a
retard sometimes.

OK, and Johnson
is exec, right?

Yes.

OK.

Now we're into the story and
the character descriptions.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Hey, hey, baby, I
know you want to party now.

We got it going.

Can't shut us down.

I'm going to make you say,
ooh, baby, you like it, yeah.

Baby, I know you
want to party now.

OK, guys, you know what?

I'm a little offended.

I mean, you have two blondes
and two brunettes, no redheads.

Oh, no, not the
ethnic card again.

Oh, I'm just messing with you.

But you know, it might be good
not to have like two blondes.

I mean, a little
diversity is always nice.

You want to give
up your blonde?

Fuck no.

Maybe Chase will.

JUSTIN: Hey, Chase, you want
to date a redhead instead?

Uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

I figure when it comes down
to it, he doesn't really care.

Redhead, blonde,
I don't really care.

Besides, if I like Justin's
blonde chick better,

I'm just going to steal
her from him anyways.

And that should do it.

NEWT: Hey, how come
I don't get a girl?

You never said you wanted one.

Why wouldn't I?

We can add in one more
character, can't we?

I don't think so.

Then Ross and Austin
are going to have

to change the whole story.

But it's not a real story.

Well, how-- how about this?

We can add in one more girl,
but not actually cast her.

Cool?

I guess.

OK, Newt, what do you like?

Big bottom girls.

Really?

Really?

NEWT: Yeah.

It's true.

I won't ask.

[music playing]

And off it goes.

And so it begins.

[drums]

Well, that was a nightmare.

That was some fun shit.

I just spent the
last week in a room

full of boys looking
at literally thousands

of female pictures and resumes.

I think I could
get into casting.

But instead of calling in
100 girls for each role--

I think we should've
called in at least 100.

--I helped them
narrow it down to just

the cream of the crop
so we could actually

get through these auditions.

And I'm only letting them
use the theater for one day.

[drums]

You boys ready?

JUSTIN: Bring them in.

A lot of anticipation for
today, we got to organize

to run like clockwork.

So we're starting with me.

My girls are coming in
to read for the role

of "Abby," the ultra
slutty hot Asian whore.

Oh, yeah.

KATIE: Guys, up
first, this is Amber.

GUYS: Hi, Amber.

Hi.

KATIE: I'll be reading with
you, so whenever you're ready.

OK.

I bought a surprise for Jenny.

KATIE: What?

A whole bag of dildos.

No one said the
script was award worthy.

KATIE: What?

Why?

This isn't a bachelorette party.

Well, she needs to get
her mind off it somehow.

We weren't shooting
for an Oscar here.

Trust me, Rachel.

Once you turn this thing on
and stick it up your vag,

you'll be hot.

She was cute.

I'd fuck her, but only
if she came into my room,

and I didn't have
to work for it.

She wasn't bad.

You can have her then.

KIMMIE: Hi, everybody.

[whistle]

[pop]
[chime]

[wah]

Now we're talking.

Whenever you're ready,
you'll be reading with me.

Uh, who wrote this?

AUSTIN: I did.

We did, actually.

It is so good.

You guys are so awesome.

I try.

We try.

Whenever you're ready.

She was good at
stroking the ego.

I wonder if she was
good at stroking my--

Whole bag of dildos.

I'm going to guess yes.

Oh, em, gee,
you haven't heard?

KATIE: Heard what?

Her boyfriend is like gay.

KATIE: Shut up.

How do you know?

Um, she told me she
saw him kiss another guy.

That's why Lola
is, like, throwing

her this slumber party.

She is so upset.

KATIE: That's awful.

I know, right?

Uh, but these little bad
boys will do the trick.

Thanks, we'll let you know.

No, thank you.

She deserves an award.

For the best cleavage ever.

She made me want to vomit.

Does it matter
that she can't act?

It doesn't matter.

If she looks like that, she
can act however she wants.

We aren't casting
for their talent.

Next, please.

Guys, this is Candice.

Candice, shmandice,
she was too eager.

How is everybody doing?

Stop being pathetic.

No, you have a wonderful day.

And then came the tripper.

Oops, sorry.

Nothing is more
attractive than a girl

who can't walk good.

Or a guy who can't speak well.

I'm so embarrassed.

I guess I'm a little nervous.

You think?

Next.

A whole bag of dildos.

A whole bag of dildos.

A whole bag of dildos.

Well, wasn't that lovely?

I think I'm going to
take a few of those head

shots home with me tonight.

This might be the
best day of my life.

It's my turn.

Pressure's on.

Look, here's the thing.

My perfect girl probably
wouldn't even be an actress.

And if she was, she'd
consider herself

an artist, not an actress.

I think Ross might be gay.

I'm sure lots of guys say
it, but brains really are just

as important to me as beauty.

Hi, I'm Bella Michaels.

Me likey.

Oh, boy, now I get
to read the other role.

A whole bag of dildos.

What?

Why?

This is not a
bachelorette party.

KATIE: She needs to get
her mind off it somehow.

Off what?

Me gusta.

I never used one before.

KATIE: Seriously?

Yeah, they frighten me.

I'll protect you.

That's awful.

This is hard.

So is that.

Thanks so much, guys.

Wow.

I mean, whoa, they
were all really good.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

You guys didn't think so?

You can't fall for every girl
that walks into the room today.

Who's falling?

I'm just commenting.

No, I know exactly
what you're doing.

Step it up a notch, bitch.

This is the time to
be extra critical.

I am.

I'm just saying that
last one especially,

she had great chemistry.

Maybe not with me, but like,
you know, with the whole room,

and with Katie.

Katie is actually doing
a really nice job today.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're lucky to have a cool
girl like her working with us.

Gentlemen, this is Brittany.

She looks familiar.

I don't know.

KATIE: Trust me, Rachel.

Once you stick this up
your vag, you'll be hooked.

Oh, I think you're right.

I'm getting wet just
thinking about it.

Um, what?

I'm improvising.

Just keep going.

Uh, that's wonderful.

I bet it is.

It looks so big and so hard.

KATIE: Yep, it's very hard.

Like a rock, oh, rock
hard, I love a big rock

hard fake penis in my hand.

[moans]

Who doesn't?

[moans]

Please don't stop.

You can stop now.

Damn it Well, that
was interesting.

What's on her resume?

I think she's a porn star.

I knew it.

How can you tell?

She was the lead in "Fuck My
Butt" three, four, and five.

Not exactly my type.

KATIE: This is Margo.

Does she even want to be here?

KATIE: Her boyfriend is gay.

What?

How do you know?

I said, how do you know?

This girl could kick my ass.

And this is Alex.

[music playing]

Wow.

Heard what?

KATIE: Her boyfriend is gay.

Shut up.

No, you shut
up, holy hot girl.

Damn.

OK, now I can really
see myself with this girl.

Yeah, they frighten me.

Such a sweetheart.

Totally a sweetheart.

Where are you from?

Alabama.

I thought I had a
little twang in there.

You sure did.

You can't hide that
cuteness anywhere.

Oh, you boys are so sweet.

That was a very nice read.

You're really talented.

Stop, y'all are
going to make me blush.

Well, we can't have any
of that in here now, can we?

No, absolutely not.

This is a blush-free room.

A blush-free room?

The shit that falls
out of that guy's

mouth sometimes, I swear.

You guys are making my day.

I was having such
a terrible one.

Oh, no.

What happened?

Oh, no, I am not
going to vent to y'all.

No, no, no, do it.

We love venting.

Ignore his tone.

You don't have to tell us
anything you don't want to.

Well, I had to take
my dog to the vet.

And then on the way
there, I got a flat tire,

and then my boyfriend
broke up with me.

AUSTIN: Oh, no.

Is your dog going to be OK?

Fuck the dog.

You just broke up
with your boyfriend?

Yeah.

Well, I should
probably get going.

I've taken up way too
much of your time.

No, no, not at all.

Uh, just, um, thank you
so much, uh, for coming.

And I hope your
doggy gets better.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Doggy?

Maybe Ross is gay.

I hope she's all right.

I hope her
douchebag ex-boyfriend

realizes what he just lost.

Yeah, I'd probably even
fuck her in front of Ross.

Finally, the moment of truth--

time for my girls.

We're looking to cast "Jenny,"
the smoking, sexy blonde.

You know the type, the
one whose looks and smile

deserve their own
slow motion entrance.

All right, guys, this
is Lindsay Griffin.

[music playing]

[SINGING] You're beautiful.

I mean, wow.

She is so hot she
could be from Venus.

Has anyone ever told
you you look like Barbie?

All the time.

Really?

No.

And personality too.
I like it.

So you'll be reading as Jenny.

I'll be reading as George.

Feel free to use
me as your partner.

Yes, there is a kiss written
into this audition scene.

So pucker up, baby, and
prepare to lay one on me.

Has this guy ever had
someone twiddle his fiddle?

Quick, let's hide in here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So what are you more upset
about, your boyfriend coming

out of the closet or
the fact that there's

a killer on the loose?

I don't know.

They're both pretty
awful though.

JUSTIN: I think I saved you
just in the nick of time.

You did.

I was definitely a goner.

I've never saved
anyone's life before.

I guess I'm just a lucky girl.

I feel lucky having saved you.

I guess we're just both lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

Thanks, guys.

Are you kidding me?

We even wrote it in.

Better luck next time, buddy.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Isn't it, I've tried
to be alone, to be alone.

Listen, I've tried to be alone.

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

I mean, am I not as
attractive as I think I am?

Nope.

Don't worry, dude.

There's a lot more coming in.

JUSTIN: I just don't get why I--

Calm down, pipsqueak.

I'll solve your little dilemma.

He's going to owe me.

Hi, and you are?

Kristin.

Kristin, I'm the director.

Now, I'm going to
be honest with you.

I'm just not feeling the-- the
passion from any of the Jennys

yet.

So what I'm going to really
need you to do is really get

into this character for me, OK?

Can you do that?

You got it, dude.

Great, you'll be
reading with Justin here.

Owe me big, he will.

I guess I'm just a lucky girl.

I feel lucky that
I got to save you.

I guess we're both just lucky.

Yeah, lucky.

Yeah.

[music playing]

I don't do
nothing for nothing.

Nice job.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, I got a
question for you.

Sure.

Would you be
willing to do nudity?

It didn't say there'd
be nudity in the casting.

Well, yeah, I know, but, uh,
you just seem like the kind

of chick that would.

Seriously?

[sighs]

What the fuck, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm
down, dude, all right?

I've been to lots
of castings before.

I was going to get her to
take her top off for you.

And that's the last time
we let Chase ask questions.

At least I had Parker
on my side for the rest.

I hope I don't owe him anything.

[music playing]

[SINGING] No, I've never known
just what it means to be alone,

to be alone.

Wow.

That was a really great scene.

I know.

I got really into it.

How-- how was it guys?

Did it look as good as it felt?

Yeah, like a scene straight
out of "The Notebook."

[gasps] I love that movie.

Who doesn't?

I don't.

Well, really great
working with you, Summer.

Thanks, you too.

Bye, boys.

Decisions,
decisions, decisions.

I'm getting pretty damn
good at this character too.

You know, this bloody
slumber party idea is

really starting to grow on me.

All right, up next, Jordan.

Oops.

Guys, this is Jordan Holliday.

What the fuck
is she doing here?

We called in
Chase's ex-girlfriend.

She's not auditioning.

Get her out of here.

Really, Chase?

They should cast me in this.

I'm the biggest name
they're going to get.

Katie, please escort
that bitch out of here.

Man, you are such a boy.

Katie did some of
the casting emails.

I honestly didn't
see that one coming.

He said I was the
best sex he ever had.

Hm, hm.

What kind of
sick joke was that?

Dude, it wasn't on purpose.

It was kind of funny though.

No, man, that sucks.

Actually, it's a good thing.

How the fuck is
that a good thing?

Because she saw all these hot
girls come in and out of here.

You can use it to
make her jealous.

Talking out of my ass,
but hey, it could work.

I am sorry though, bro.

No, fuck it.

It's cool.

Let's get my girls in here.

Dodged that one.

All right, let's check
out some redheads--

nothing like a good fire crotch.

Hey, Chase.

I've seen almost
all your movies.

Cool.

It's a real pleasure
to meet you.

I mean, she's
kind of a redhead.

But with titties
like that, I don't

care if she's a brown head.

Chelsea, you'll
be reading Lola,

and Chase will be
reading with you as Brad.

Oh, my gosh, you're
reading with me.

Same shit, different day.

Yep.

Different day, same shit.

I'm so glad you showed up.

There's a killer in here.

What killer?

Where?

He just killed Abby
and ran up the stairs.

Well, then you
better stay down here.

I'll go find him.

No, don't.

He has an axe.

But I know karate.

People actually
pay him to do this.

Oh, Brad, you're the
best boyfriend ever.

I try.

And you succeed.

I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

I should be getting
paid for this.

He just killed Abby
and ran upstairs.

Well, then you
better stay here.

I'll go find him.

No, no, don't.

He has an axe.

But I know karate.

Wait.

What?

I'm scared.

Ah, don't you worry
your pretty little face.

I'll protect you.

Oh, Brad, you're the
best boyfriend ever.

- I try.
- You succeed.

Oh, shit, I almost
just kissed you.

I'm so sorry. it's cool, babe.

PARKER: OK, thank you.

Thank you.

Damn, bro, I am jelly.

Can I be you for, like, a day?

Uh, yeah, sure, you know,
you can read with the next one.

I got to take a piss.

Sweet, bring me a ginger.

Speaking of redheads,
Katie's kind of cute.

Don't you think, Newt?

NEWT: I'd bang her.

[music - theco, "heartbeat"]

[SINGING] Or is it
just a heartbeat?

Ryan is a lucky guy.

Hey, Newton, uh, we're
just going to move on.

Your girls are here now.

Do you want me to
have them come in?

NEWT: Uh, sure.

Hey, Newt, since we
didn't sides for your girls,

let's just tell
them it's a really

secret part of the
script that requires

a really strong scream queen.

NEWT: Uh, OK.

OK.

OK, whenever you're
ready, let us hear it.

[MUSIC - LETTER Q, "BOOTY
BOOTY"]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[SINGING] Booty, booty, yeah,
booty, booty, yeah, booty.

Yeah, I enjoyed that.

Ah, a room full of
hot brunettes out there.

I guess that
means it's my turn.

It says here you've got
lots of improv experience.

That I do.

BEN: Can you tell me a
little bit about that?

I love how Ben acts like he
knows what he's talking about.

I did improv for over a year.

He didn't ask me a god
damn thing about it.

Justin sucked at improv.

There's a reason
why he's a waiter.

Well, I'd love to see you
do the audition monologue,

but feel free to improv
wherever it takes you.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Come and get me.

I dare you.

You've killed all
of my best friends.

Show yourself to me.

I think I'm in love.

What?

Are you chicken?

Huh?

I know who you are, Blaine.

Come and get me.

Where are you?

I'm getting dizzy.

Come and get me.

I dare you.

Great, great, that's
really all we needed to see.

Thanks.

I'm sold hook, line, and
sinker, nail in the coffin.

Sign me up.

I want to eat her pussy.

Thank you so much.

No, thank you.

You're ridiculous.

Did you not see her?

We all saw her.

Was she not
oozing with hotness?

Come on, Chase.

I saw you staring.

Wasn't she fantastic?

She was hot.

Somebody take me out of
the oven, because I'm done.

I guess in this project,
we saved the best for last.

I'm going to go make
a little speech.

Save us all little time.

What's he going to say?

My guess it's going to be
something about sucking cock.

Or ass play.

OK, I want to make
something crystal clear.

This is a gay character
you'll be reading for.

You will be required
to kiss a guy.

So for any of you cool
dudes with a girlfriend who

says you're OK with it but then
you end up not being OK with it

during filming, we're going
to make you kiss a guy right

here right now in the audition.

It's in the script.

So if any of you cool dudes
have a problem with that,

feel free to leave right now.

Gross.

What did you say?

Uh, nothing.

For the record, I'm
not excited about this.

OK, let's do this.

Let the good times roll.

Katie, will you please
bring the first one in?

Oh, and, uh, I'll be
reading with them.

Obviously.

All right, so you'll
be reading for Blaine.

- OK.
- Ready?

Uh-huh.

You know you want to.

I do.

So then do it.

But I have a girlfriend.

She's not here.

But she will be any minute.

Well, then we
don't have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

Jenny, Jenny, no, it's
not what it looks like.

I'm actually a little
proud of that scene.

Anyone?

Newt?

No, got it.

That was so wrong.

This whole day is wrong.
PARKER: What?

I think he liked it.

Yeah, he looked at his leg.

What are you
laughing at, Chase?

I saw that movie you did, the
gay version of "Twilight."

Looked like you
liked kissing dudes.

Um, it's called acting.

Oh, is that what you call it?

Hey, that vampire movie
got me a lot of pussy.

Ugh, I hate that word.

What, pussy?

No, vampire, dumb ass.

All right, this is Nathan.

PARKER: Well, hello, Nathan.

A little piece of me
dies as each guy walks in.

So then we don't
have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

I'm not homophobic.

I'm just scared of gay people.

OK, guys, this is Trent.

What's up?

Did I mention I am Team Jacob?

So you're Blaine.

OK.

OK, cool.

You know you want to.

I do.

So do it.

But I have a girlfriend.

She's not here.

But she will be any minute.

So then we don't
have much time.

Kiss me.

OK.

[chimes]

Mm, like a sugar cookie.

Hey, Parker, there's
one more guy out there.

You want me to bring him in?

I thought there were
only three out there.

Well, he just showed up.

Well, fantastic.

Send him in.

This is getting
out of contrizzy.

Um, what?

Hello, Parker.

Gentlemen--

W-T-F?

What are you doing here?

What?

I saw your little
casting notice.

I thought I'd come out.

You always did promise
to cast me in something.

You're not right
for this role.

But I'm an actor,
a genius actor.

Isn't that what you used to say?

Yes, we dated, but
it was a long time

ago, before I was successful.

You shouldn't make promises
that you cannot keep.

He was my masseur.

He had the best hands.

In some circles, I'm
famous for my hands.

It is truly amazing what
that man is capable of.

They're like magic weapons.

But he's possessive,
jealous, and scandalous.

He called me scandalous.

You are not auditioning.

What?

Because I'm not a twink anymore?

Uh, what's a twink?

According to homolingo.com, a
twink is a boyish-looking young

gay man who is slender with
little to no body hair,

often blonde but
doesn't have to be,

and who dresses in ultra slim
fit attire as if entering

a club or embarking on a hike.

I did not know that.

Fine.

But you haven't
seen the last of me.

[music playing]

That dude was cray-cray.

He better cast me
in his little movie.

Otherwise, I just might share
something with the world.

What, you ask?

Let me just say that we all have
our own dark little secrets,

don't we?

Auditions concluded.

And let me tell you something.

This plan is going perfectly,
tons of sexy chicks in today,

all totally believing in
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

Now we're going to head back
to my place to discuss casting.

[music playing]

Thanks, Ross.

No problem.

She was on her feet all day.

It was the right thing to do.

[music playing]

You see what
Ross is doing here?

He is kind of like
a magnetic force

to chicks with boyfriends.

He's the king of the friendzone.

OK, guys, so I'm thinking
to get this plan in motion,

we should all call the
person we want to cast.

Shouldn't Katie do that?

Yeah, I am the
casting director.

In a real movie,
I would say yes.

But in a fake movie, I'm
going to say, fuck no.

That's retarded.

Point taken.

And I can't wait
to hear Dallas's

sweet and sexy voice again.

While I have
everyone's attention,

there is something
I'd like to address.

We're not cutting
the gay character.

No, no, obviously,
it's a great character.

Good job on the script, guys.

I mean, it's really good.

Uh, thank you.

What are you really
getting at, cheese dick?

I think--

I think we should
make this movie.

Are you fucking kidding me?

That was never
part of the plan.

That would be a shitty
plan with a shitty movie.

AUSTIN: Hey.

PARKER: What?

It's no masterpiece.

In our defense, we weren't
going for brilliance.

Yeah, and it's not like we
had a lot of time to write it.

JUSTIN: It's a
really good story.

I'm sure with a
little bit more time,

we could reorganize the plan.

So we're not making the movie,
or we are making the movie?

We're not making
this movie, Justin.

What we are making is a
documentary about casting

a fake movie, right, Newt?

Uh, that's what I what--

JUSTIN: Shut up, Newt.
Come on, guys.

This could be great.

Back to casting, I think I'm
going to go with the Jacob look

alike.

Give me two weeks,
enough alcohol,

and I'll have him converted.

JUSTIN: Really?

Nobody thinks this
is a good idea.

I would rather
cut off my balls

and spoon feed them to
my mother than direct

"The Bloody Slumber
Party" starring Justin

No Name, the career waiter.

Fine.

Well, I want to cast
that chick, Summer.

We had good chemistry, and I
think she kind of likes me.

She had a lot of air upstairs.

Yeah, I don't think
she'll know what's going on.

JUSTIN: Exactly.

And she seems like
the type of girl

that would let me throw a piece
of bologna in her bare ass.

- My bologna has a first name.
- Fair enough.

You can cast whomever
you want in this game.

How about you guys?

Oh, that southern belle.

Alex.

Yes, Alex, she was
definitely my favorite.

Yeah, you should
totally cast her.

No, she wasn't
my girl, but I just

wouldn't mind seeing her again.

What about you?

Who's your favorite Asian?

Uh, I don't know.

They kind of all
look the same to me.

[music playing]

We're going to hell.

I guess I'll take
the really hot one.

Oh, yeah, that one with
the amazing juicy cleavage.

Yeah, um, I think
her name was Kimmie.

[whistle]
[pop]

[chime]

[wah]

Hey, I'd feed her some cumquats.

What about you, bro-ski?

You should cast that
redheaded chick.

She was totally into you.

JUSTIN: Yeah, um,
what was her name?

I think her name was--

Sure, that's fine.

But she should be an easy lay.

Yeah, sure, I
mean, uh, whatever.

I think Chase is still pretty
bummed about Jordan showing up.

He hasn't been the same since.

I actually feel
kind of bad for him.

Uh, so you guys don't
need anything else from me?

No, I don't think so.

We might need you to help us
out a little bit with our game

at the party though.

AUSTIN: When is the party?

Oh, I just talked to Johnson.

Hey, little man,
any time you want

to bring over a bunch
of little hotties,

you're more than welcome to.

When everyone
makes their calls,

and they're casting
their person,

make sure they can come to
the party this Saturday.

Yeah, we're
calling it a kickoff

party, a good time for
everyone to meet and mingle.

Yeah, and
obviously, get wasted.

JUSTIN: Obviously.

Hey, personal assistant.

Assistant director.

Are you coming
to the party also?

- Uh, no, we can't.
- Sure.

- Oh.
- We'll bring the vino.

Awesome, fantastic.

I'm having such a good
time on this project.

And none of you guys are worried
about pissing these people off.

No, they also get to
be in this documentary.

And meet a bunch
of great guys.

Well, some of us are great.

All right then, just checking.

I don't know why I didn't
think of this idea earlier.

This is Hollywood, the
land where magic happens.

This party is going to be epic.

Hey, what's up?

Is this Chelsea?

Yeah, what's going on?

This is Chase Lockwood.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

So I'm calling you
because of the audition

you went to the other day.

Hi, is this Kimmie?

Hi, Kimmie, this is Austin.

I'm the writer for "The
Bloody Slumber Party."

So the director--

Yeah, it's good
to hear from you.

Hi, this is Parker calling.

I'm the director of the movie
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

We're interested in
you and your, uh, talent.

That's right.

Hey, is this Dallas?

Hey, this is Ben, the producer
on "The Bloody Slumber Party."

Hey, this is Justin.

I'm calling on behalf of
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

I'm one of the co-producers.

Hey, Alex, it's Ross from
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

We're actually really
excited about casting you.

That's right.
Yeah, congratulations.

We're all really excited.

And meet the rest of the cast.

We would love to
give you the part.

We're having a kickoff
party on Saturday.

Yeah, we're having a kickoff
party this Saturday night.

Oh, you know what?

I'll have somebody email
you all the details.

I'll email you the details.

There's going to be
a lot of girls there.

Really, really great,
we're excited too.

Don't eat anything beforehand.

There's going to be
plenty of alcohol.

We're excited to
see you on Saturday.

All right, well, we'll
see you on Saturday, OK?

- Can't wait to see you.
- I'll see you then.

- All right.
- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Later.

OK, bye.

[music playing]

To getting laid.

Hear, hear.

Don't I get a shot?

No.

KATIE: Hey, boys.

ROSS: Hey, Katie.

I'm basically their
wingman tonight,

or wingwoman, whatever.

Katie is going
to be our liaison.

Dangerous liaison.

I love it.

Guys, I got a surprise.

Flavored condoms?

Close.

I made Facebook
and Twitter accounts

for "The Bloody Slumber Party."

JUSTIN: Cool.

I knew there was a
reason I hired Ben--

always using his noggin.

I think this
justifies the project,

lends a more colorful illusion.

KIMMIE: Hi.

JUSTIN: Hey, girls.

Welcome.

As the girls arrived, I had the
brilliant idea that we should

greet them all individually.

[music playing]

And I had the
brilliant idea to get

them to like the Facebook page.

[music playing]

Let's get this shit going.

I'd like to welcome you all to
"The Bloody Summer Party" cast

and kickoff party.

Woo hoo.

JUSTIN: Thank you.

Thank you for that.
I'm Justin.

I'm producing.
- Co-producing.

[music playing]

Well, we're getting technical.

I'm a co-producer.

I'll also be playing George.

If we're really
getting technical,

you're just a douchebag.

Ladies, I'd like to
introduce you here to Ben.

He's the head producer.

Parker, the director, Ross
and Austin, the writers--

- Hi.
- Yo.

And I'm sure you're
familiar with Chase Lockwood.

He's going to be playing
Brad, the boyfriend.

[SINGING] We'll make it right.
We'll make it out.

I've seen like
all of his movies.

And I'm kind of a big fan.

[SINGING] Right now.

And this is Johnson,
the executive producer.

Hello, ladies, welcome to the
cast, and welcome to mi casa.

Have a drink or seven.

But enjoy yourselves.

I

Want to be Johnson
when I grow up.

And as you may or
may not have noticed,

Newt here is our
cinematographer.

We've already started
rolling to capture

some great behind
the scenes footage.

We're going to have some great
bonus features for the DVD.

[SINGING] You say you're VIP.

That was all me,
that idea, that speech.

So don't be shy.

Enjoy the camera and feel
free to introduce yourselves.

Hi, I'm Alex.

I'm playing the
sweet girl next door.

I'm Kimmie.

Well, I do live
next door to someone.

I'm Summer.

I'm playing Jenny.

And I'm the lead, right?

I'm Abby, the slutty one.

Hello, I'm Dallas Mitchell.

I'm playing Brooke, the infamous
scream queen and the last one

to survive.

Typecast.

I'm Lola--

I mean, Chelsea.

I'll be playing Lola.

Yes, the lungs of a banshee.

The slumber
party's at my house

because I'm the
rich spoiled one.

Trent, playing Blaine.

It's my first lead role.

Yeah, I know.

I got to kiss a dude.

I'm super stoked.

Yeah, again.

What's going on, fellas?

This ain't no gymnasium.

We're not holding no
sixth grade dance.

[MUSIC - CLAYTON
CORKWOOD AND LETTER Q,

"HOLLYWOOD POOL PARTY"]

[SINGING] You think
I'm cocky too.

It's a banquet by the pool.

And we're breaking
all the rules,

walking by the pool with
a bottle full of honey,

looking for some tail
like a Playboy bunny.

He's right.

[SINGING] Let me get up on
my high horse for a minute.

I know I'd be the best thing.
- Uh-oh.

Game on.

Hey, Dallas, can I
show you something?

[SINGING] And I'm
here for the taking.

I know you like my style, girl.
- Um, sure.

[SINGING] Stop pretending.

Because I love your nails,
and I want to see you naked.

Hello, ladies.

Hey.

Hi, again.

Glad you both could make it.

It's so fun, right?

[SINGING] Gotta get lucky.
- Uh-oh.

We've been spotted, 10 o'clock.

[SINGING] Pool party.

She looks a little nuts.

[SINGING] Hollywood pool party.

Not as crazy as that
Kimmie chick though.

[SINGING] I see a hot
chick walking quickly

my way like a cop car pulling
you over on the highway.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, here she comes.

Kill it, stud.

[SINGING] Lean it on over
for a body shot luge.

Pour it slow but pour it strong.

What's up?

I've got to be
totally honest with you.

I'm really, really excited
to be working with you.

Sweet.

[SINGING] Take it off.

And I want to see you naked.

Hey, guys.

Hey, little man.

You did well.

Huh?

I think Summer here is
just perfect for the lead.

Oh.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I-- I totally agree.

She's got the looks
and the talent.

That's what my daddy says.

Perfect.

How long do we
have to stay here?

Oh, shut up.

Hey, personal assistant,
will you go get Trent and bring

him over here for me, please?

No, I'm good.

Fine.

Katie, will you do it?

Um, OK, I was going
to get a drink anyways.

No, uh--

You know, you would look so
much better without this hat.

Oh, please don't touch me.

[music playing]

Hey, Newt, so this is
where the kickoff party is?

Uh, yeah.

Is that thing on?

Um, be right back.

What do you mean
Jordan's here?

What are you doing, man?

I'm in the zone.

What the fuck is
Jordan doing here?

She bought it?

Bought what?

I told her we'd
cast her in the movie.

We wrote a part in for her.

Why the fuck did you do that?

Hey, to get her here.

You want to get her back?

Make her jealous.

She can't be in the movie.

Uh, guys, there is--

BOTH: Shut up, Newt.

It's a good thing
I'm not suicidal.

Dude, you could bang
half the chicks here,

especially that Chelsea chick.

Dude, you want to
make Jordan jealous?

I'll help you.
- What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I'll think of something, a plan.

Now go.

Hey, Jordan, how you doing?

So what's up?

What's my part?

You know, the crazy hot one.

What's the story?

Psychopathic killer
slaughtering hot girls.

You mean there's
more than one hot girl?

It's just the thing
my agent says,

a bug he's put into my head.

It's always important
to be the hottest.

Helps you build a fan base.

And you know, I've got like
473,000 Twitter followers.

[chime]

It's kind of like when you're
looking at all the presents

under the Christmas tree.

They're all pretty
unexciting, but there's always

that one special present,
the one with the biggest bow

just can't take
your eyes off of it.

I'm that fucking present.

And where's the script?

You know, you should talk
to Ross and Austin about that.

They're the writers.

They probably have a copy
in their car or something.

See ya.

[music playing]

[SINGING] When people say--

This bench is so cute.

Yeah, I thought so, right?

This place is cool.

Johnson's got style.

That he does.

So you want to see the website
I'm building for the movie?

You're building the website?

Well, I am the producer.

I mean, yeah, but not all
producers are tech savvy.

I used to work in marketing,
so this is just fun for me.

- That's so cool.
- Yeah.

How about you?

Do you do anything besides act?

Yeah, I'm an elementary
school teacher.

Of course you are.

Why are you laughing?

- Because that's just perfect.
- What is?

You are.

I mean, the job is,
for you, children.

Fuck.

Wait, now you're laughing.

Probably blushing too.

You really need to put
more meat on these bones.

Oh, dude, you are killing me.

What?

I'm just saying.

Don't you think he's too skinny?

I don't know, man.

I'm very
uncomfortable right now.

There's a lot of
me in this business.

Maybe you're just
not cut out for it.

What business?

What are you talking about?

This is a joke.
- Hey.

Nah, fuck it.

I'm out of here.

And that is when
Ross pissed himself.

Shut up, man.

I was incredibly wasted.

I don't usually get like that.

Hey, it's all right.

We all have our
own crazy stories.

- Yeah?
- Of course.

Well, it's time for
you to tell one then.

Yeah, tell us.

What's the craziest
thing you've ever done?

[SINGING] He jumps
in the deep end.

Well, this one time
at cheerleading camp--

Hey, babe, let's
get out of here.

Katie, I need you now.

Oh, just a little longer?

No, I'm going.

You can stay if you want.

I don't care.

JUSTIN: Pretty please?

OK, I'll see you later.

Whatever.

[SINGING] And now I got
the middle finger tatted.

What's up with Peter
the party pooper?

I don't know.

He hasn't been in the
best of moods lately.

Uh, what's up?

Come quick.

I need your help.

And then he was
like, oh, my god.

Kimmie, come with me.

[SINGING] Those
stars, upside down,

it's like a roller coaster.
Don't get--

Johnson, this is
Kimmie, the slutty one.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Come take a shot
with me and Justin.

We're celebrating.

Celebrating what?

The movie, silly.

It's going to be so exciting.

He's going to be a
huge producer, Justin.

Uh-huh.

JORDAN: Hey, guys.

Hey, oh, shit.

Hey.

What the eff is she doing here?

So you're the writers?

Yes, I am.

We are.

Cool, nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Alex.

Are you in the movie?

Yeah, I play Rachel.

I'm hotter than her, right?

So can I see a script?

ROSS AND AUSTIN: Uh--

Not until the table read.

Right, not until
the table read.

Fuck, whatever.

I got to go call my agent.

What is going on?

How's the party?

What?

How's the party?

It sucks.

And so will this movie if
it ever even gets made.

Hm.

Hi, guys.
Could we sit here?

Finders keepers,
get your own bench.

Seriously?

What?

No, it's OK.

You guys can sit here.

I could use a trip to the
little girl's room anyway.

Oh, me too.

Great.

Dallas.

- Summer.
- Shall we?

We shall.

Way to fuck that
one up, punchy.

[music playing]

I bet you can't drink
the rest of this flask.

For sure I can.

Then do it.

[burps] Told ya.

Well done.

Man, that Asian has
some banging titties.

You know that titties are
just big balls of fat, right?

Well, what do we have here?

What are you doing here?

Poor little straight boy,
is he trying to get you drunk?

Get out of here, Calvin.

You know he's just going to
convert you and then leave you.

Convert me?
What the fuck?

He's talking nonsense.

He's hoping to make you gay.

I'm not gay.

Nobody said that you were.

I don't feel so good.

I'm going home.

I'll take you home.

Yeah, and then he's going
to tell you he's a masseur.

Nice try, I'm the only
real masseur around here.

Those fucking fantastic hands.

Good night, straight boy.

What are you
doing here, Calvin?

What?

I saw the event on Facebook.

Hey, I-- I got your text.

What's up?
- Oh, good.

I need you to do some
more scheming for me.

Great, I love scheming.

That's hilarious.

I can't believe you
woke up like that.

I know.

I probably smelled like butter.

Uh, yum.

I'm going to hit the
rest room real quick.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, that's a good
idea, bro, before you

piss yourself all over again.

Oh, very funny.

Oh.

Uh, you look kind of cold.

Do you want my jacket?

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's totally fine.

Oh, thank you.

I would've never
guessed you were so wild.

Oh, I'm just really
amped up tonight.

I want to get crazy.

Huh, well, lucky me.

Chase, I need you for a sec.

Get Chelsea in the hot
tub in five minutes.

What?
Why?

Don't ask questions.

Just do it.

It'll be easy.

I don't know if
that's a good idea.

All part of Justin's
jealousy plan.

[squeals]

What was that all about?

Uh, nothing.

I don't really like her.

OK.

[music playing]

Yeah, this is bullshit.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Jordan, right?

Yeah, who are you?

Your new best friend.

Huh?

You want a role in
this movie, right?

Maybe.

Well, it's the
hottest girl part.

OK.

Chase misses you.

He had them create
your character.

Meet him by the hot
tub in five minutes.

He'll explain everything.

Just cast me in
your damn movie.

There isn't a role for you.

Then create one.

- I can't.
- Why not?

You're the director.

The story doesn't call for it.

- Oh, the story, tell it to me.
- Well, it's complicated.

- Well, tell me.
- No.

Then I'll do it.

Don't.

I will.

I'll tell everyone.

- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I would.

You know I would.

No.

I will tell everyone that
you like country music.

It fits you good.

You just got to put the
collar down a little.

Do you want to button it?

[SINGING] As the sun goes down--

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Ross, I can tell your upset.

You can talk to me.

Fine.

It's Austin.

He's obviously not into Kimmie.

He's into my girl, Alex.

Ouch.

That hurts.

I thought she was
really digging me too.

Well, then go there and
tell Austin to back off.

[SINGING] Like you don't care.

You don't care.

I can't.

Why, because
you're a nice guy?

[SINGING] I won't be there.
- Apparently.

Exactly.

Go over there and be a man.

Us girls, we like a guy
who gets what he wants.

[music - letter q, "karate"]

[SINGING] Oh, girl,
kick like karate.

Show me that you're down to--

What the fuck, Chase?

[SINGING] Oh, girl,
kick like karate.

No, Jordan.

Jordan!

[SINGING] Move your body.

[inaudible] your body karate--

Everybody, I would like to
introduce you to our newest

cast member, Calvin.

Um, what?

And now I'm going home.

Austin, could I talk to you?

Stay away from her.

[SINGING] Black
dress, black belt.

What?

Stop flirting with Alex.

I don't know what you're
talking about, bro-ski.

I'm not your bro-ski, bro-ski.

No, I don't think
we have insurance.

[SINGING] Oh, girl,
kick like karate.

Show me that--

JUSTIN: Ross, don't!

Guys, guys, stop it.

[SINGING] Show me that you're--

Fuck yeah, pool party.

[MUSIC - ALL OUT, "LIGHTS FEAT.
XV"]

[SINGING] You say
that I'm a loner.

And you're god damn right.

Well, I'm a single man, but
you'll be my exception tonight.

You look lonely.
I've got you in my sights.

Why the fuck not?

[SINGING] We up north,
so you know that I'm

going to show you the lights.

- [screams]
- Woo!

Woo!

Remember when I said epic?

Hey, cameraman,
don't be such a nerd.

NEWT: Huh?

Get your ass in here.

NEWT: OK.

[SINGING] I make it pour.

Get the fuck indoors.

I got a shovel, three spades,
and a shedload of hoes.

You say that I'm a loner.

And you're god damn right.

You know, I'm a single man, but
you'll be my exception tonight.

You're looking lonely.

I've got you in my sights.

We up north, so
you know that I'm

going to show you the lights.

You might.

I've got a good
feeling about this.

Hey, Justin, maybe you
should turn that thing off.

It could go all the way.

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

NEWT: I wanted to show
everyone how you woke up alone.

Yes, last night's kickoff
party was the best ever.

No, Summer and I
didn't have sex.

But she touched it.

Did she make you cum?

Not exactly.

Then it wasn't
a real hand job.

She worked it like
she was getting paid.

She did get an
acting job out of it.

Or so she thinks.

So now what?

I was going to ask
you the same thing.

Did Trent really quit?

Yeah, but he's been
replaced with Calvin.

So we're all good.

Long live the fake movie.

What about Jordan?

[sighs] She, uh,
won't return my calls.

All right, I'll
take care of it.

But I'm going to need
a favor from you.

What favor?

JUSTIN: I'm going to need you
to call your buddy Bellagio.

We're going to need a
hotshot photographer

ASAP for the poster shoot.

[whoosh]

[MUSIC - BRIAN KARR, "AMERICAN
LIE"]

[SINGING] My American,
All-American girl--

I need you to add more
lights, not lines, lights.

Personal assistant?

[SINGING] You know I would.

Yeah, I would lie to the world.

I got a story that I know
you will love, oh, oh, whoa.

So here we go.

I can show I'm going to blow
you away with my American lie,

anything to get me by.

Nothing's out of line.

It's my American--

I'm here.

Normally I don't do poster
shoots, especially something

so B horror and low budget.

Is there something
in my tooth?

Yeah, right
there, right there.

But Chase and I
go back a long way.

And he did promise
me an eight ball.

Did I get it?

No.

Hey, bro, thanks for coming.

No prob.

What's up, ladies?

Let's get snappy.

[MUSIC - BOP SKIZZUM, "SO MUCH
COOLER"]

So while this
Bellagio character

started the poster shoot, I
got these bad boys ready--

release forms.

We got to have them
signed if we ever want

to release this documentary.

Yeah, I mean, getting the
signatures is a little sketchy.

But-- but--

[sighs] I got nothing.

[SINGING] And I'll show your
body all the proper love.

I'm so much cooler
than your boyfriend.

But on the highway,
he's a dead end.

I'm so much cooler
than your boyfriend.

Won't you let me, let me
be your new boyfriend?

I'm so much cooler
than your boyfriend.

How'd you get Jordan here?

I told her we'd
re-cast Chelsea.

She's going to be
playing Lola instead.

And she bought it?

She's here, isn't she?

Good point.

But so is Chelsea.

You think they know
about each other?

I'm going to guess yes.

Doesn't matter who's
playing who right now.

Just keep reminding Jordan that
she's the hottest character.

Yeah, she likes that shit.

I think Jordan likes
the power in spite.

Spite's a cool word.

Dallas is so
frickin' beautiful.

This was a great idea, man.

Yeah, and Summer
basically already

wants to be my girlfriend.

You know, she'd
probably sleep with anyone

who could advance her career.

No way, man,
she's way into me.

Sure.

Dude, why are you wearing
sunglasses inside?

I'm a movie star now.

Need to start dressing the part.

Right.

Hey, buddy.

What do you want?

Look, I'm really sorry.

No, you're not.

Yes, yes, I am.

Just leave me alone.

Look, Ross, I never meant
to upset you in any way.

It's just that I actually
have feelings for this girl.

Seriously?

Dude, you know me better
than anyone else here.

I've never felt this
way about anyone before.

Yeah, well, good timing.

Ross--

[SINGING] I'm so much
cooler than your boyfriend.

It's on now, bitches.

[SINGING] So much cooler.

You know it.

I know it too.

ROSS: Uh, hey, Katie,
what are you doing?

Staring out the window.

Yeah, I can see that.

Are you OK?

Ryan just dumped me.

What?

What?

I'm sorry to hear that.

He did it over the phone.

What?

Who does that?

Ryan, apparently.

Apparently.

You know, it's probably
for the best though.

I mean, he's been a real
stick in the mud lately.

A little stick-- little stick.

You deserve better than that.

Thank you.

And I'm here for you if you
need a shoulder to cry on.

Or someone to buy you a drink.

Thank you.

But you know, actually,
I'm not all that sad.

Really?

Yeah, really.

But I could use someone
to get a drink with.

[cha-ching]
- You can have Alex.

What?

If she likes you
too, go for it.

I really think she does, man.

We have been texting
nonstop since the party.

Good, I'm happy for you.

Oh, bro-ski, I'm
going to need a hug.

- Later?
- Now.

- Later?
- Now.

- Later?
- Now.

- Later.
- OK.

I need to see sex.

[SINGING] I'm so
much cooler than you.

I'm so much cooler than your--

I need more sex in your faces.

Nice, nice,
beautiful, that's it.

Come on.

Yeah, more sexy in the eyes.

[SINGING] There's no others.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Good, oh, good, now, in
the lips, show me sex lips.

Yes, oh, yeah,
oh, fantastic, oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah, beautiful,
love it, love it, girls.

And I'm out of batteries.

Got to take a 10, hit the
loo, and change my pants.

Ciao, ladies.

I wish I was British.

OK, everyone, take 10.

And don't forget
to sign the release

form if you haven't already.

Give me that thing.

Yes, ma'am.

Did you type this up yourself?

I did.

Why?

It looks pretty professional.

You would expect
anything less?

I mean, these
movies usually operate

on a much crappier level.

Well, there's nothing
crappy allowed on my sets.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's just how I roll.

How I roll, really?

That couldn't have sounded
cool coming from a Jew like me.

Hey, not to mix
business with pleasure,

but when all this
is over and done,

would you let me buy you dinner?

Um, sure, as long as
it's not somewhere crappy.

She rocks my socks
off day and night.

So where do I sign?

Oh, right there.

You know, Summer, Justin's just
a co-producer on this film.

I'm the real producer.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

We should totally,
like, hang out

some time, talk
about your character,

maybe some future projects.

I would love that.

That'd be great.

Poor Justin, someone
had to prove him wrong.

Here's my number, right
next to the call me.

Thanks.

Hey, Summer, looking great.

Thanks.

Told ya.

Told me what?

She just wants to
advance her career, man.

Call me.

That's awesome.

How is that awesome?

Cause it means she's easy.

The way to her heart
is through a career.

I'll figure something out.

Is he going for her
heart or her vagina?

Just looking out, brah.

Progress in motion.

[train whistle]

[music playing]

Normally a table read is at
the beginning of a movie.

But when you're making a
documentary about a movie

with a non-existent
screenplay, it's

at the end, such as this case.

Dude, what the
fuck are you wearing?

- Movie star stuff, you like it?
- No.

Oh, but it's OK
when you wear it?

Yeah, like a red carpet or
premiere, not a table read.

And when I wear that
shit, I make it look good.

Whatever, I feel cool.

Hey, whatever tickles
your tiny pickle, man.

So this is your place, Ben?

Yes, sir.

Cool.

And who are those people?

I hired some more fake people.

I'm going for theatrics.

I guess I'm the art director.

Hair and makeup.

Someone said the director
needed an assistant.

OK.

And that guy?

I'm what you call
a second shooter.

I got here in no time
and at the right price.

I'm Riley Sacks, the fastest
second shooter in the west.

Pshoo, call Riley
Sacks anytime anywhere,

and he'll be there
with a camera faster

than you can say tumbleweed.

Don't be a jack.

Call Riley Sacks, the fastest
second shooter in the west,

very fair prices,
premium quality.

Discounts available
for product placement.

I told him to focus
mainly on my close ups.

[ding]

Hey, guys, what's so funny?

Ross just fell
coming up the stairs.

Yeah, I bet you
would have loved it

if I fell flat on my
face too, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet.

Those two were making me
sick the whole drive here.

All right, let's get
this shit over with.

What's the plan?

There really isn't a plan.

Well, Katie's going to
hand out the scripts.

But I thought there
wasn't a script.

It's for dramatic
effect, right?

Right.

Good documentaries
require good drama.

All right, well, I have
had it with this little game

of a project.

Dude, what is up your ass?

Nothing, obviously.

Oh, I get it--

gross.

You're just pissed
because Trent quit.

Oh, I'm over that.

Now I just want to get
back on with my life.

The cast will be
here in a few minutes.

Wait a minute, guys.

Does anyone realize
what we're about to do?

Huh?

We're huge liars.

I like to think of myself as
more of a creative concoctor.

It's just a little white lie.

No, no, no, this is big.

This is like a red lie.

There's different
colors of lies?

Fuck yeah there is.

There's like 12 of them.
- Really?

Yeah.

A pink lie has to
do with sex, like

if you make up some story about
some slut letting you jizz

all over her face.
ROSS: He's right.

Look it up.

And then there's
blue, which means--

Stop, just stop
talking nonsense.

The girls are going
to be here any second,

and we're about to rat ourselves
out as fucking bullshitters.

Shit, he's right.

We can't do this.
I can't do this.

I actually really like my girl.

Fuck, I do too, guys.

I don't--

So what are you saying?

I don't know.

I don't know.

[heart beats]

Maybe we should actually
make this movie.

Oh, hell no.

That's what I've been
saying all this time.

No, guys, we can't.

We don't have a script.

Well, we have all
these blank ones.

I don't feel good.
Fuck.

Fuck, this isn't good.
- Calm down.

Calm down.
It's going to be OK.

No, no it's not.

[heart beats]

What are we going to do?

What are we going to say?

KIMMIE: I'm here.

I just came to
watch the explosion.

[bomb detonates]

I am so glad that everyone
was able to make it.

Katie, please, go ahead
and pass out the scripts.

Certainly.

No, no, no, no,
no, no one open them.

No one open them, not yet.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

OK, everyone turn to the
first page, and let's begin.

Yes, Jordan?

My pages are blank.

Yeah, mine are too.

So are mine.

The moment of truth.

That's because
there is no script.

[music playing]

What?

Huh?

Um, are we supposed to improv?

I won an improv
competition once.

Nope, no improv, no script, no
story at all, for that matter.

Um, I don't get it.

There is no "Bloody
Slumber Party."

I don't get it either.

We're not actually
starting a movie.

We're finishing a
movie right now.

And you all were the stars.

We are?

Yep, congratulations, you
all have been fantastic.

In fact, you still are.

The cameras are still rolling.

Thank you all very much.

You've done a great job.

Chase, what the
fuck is going on?

It's a documentary, Jordan.

I'm going to call
it "American Lie."

[rumbling]

[ding]

It's about a group of guys
who hold a fake casting

session so we can
meet, mingle, and date

the girls of our dreams.

It's like a real
"American Pie" story,

sure to be a cult classic.

Yes, Calvin?

Parker likes country music.

Classic.

[music playing]

You know, I never thought
this documentary would

turn into a romantic comedy.

But in a weird way,
it kind of did.

Although in real life,
some endings are good,

and some are not so good.

Hey, Alex, uh, Austin, just--

just, uh, just wanted
to talk to you.

Hey, Alex, uh, I just would
really like to see you again.

Austin again, uh,
listen, it's me again.

Um, just give me a call
back when you get this.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Better
really take care of me.

JUSTIN: Sucks for Austin.

Alex never talked to him again.

[SINGING] Because I
went before this life.

Ben got it even worse though.

Not only did he lose
any and all chance

he might have had with
Dallas, but she's suing him.

[SINGING] When your
light is still shining--

And unfortunately for Ben,
he's the sole producer.

He's the only one the
lawyers are attacking.

[SINGING] Because
your time is rising.

Chase and Jordan
got back together.

[SINGING] You got to
keep your shit together.

Funny, I thought she'd be
the most pissed of them all.

I just hated seeing
him with another girl.

Oh, I hated being
with anybody but you.

Because I'm the best sex
you've ever had, right?

Ah, there's no comparison.

Yeah, man, I've
missed your body.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Time to change it all.

Oh, fuck, you make me wet.

NEWT: Uh, guys, guys?

[SINGING] As I'm
singing my new song.

How about this cute story?

I'm just glad this little
project brought us together.

You're so sweet.

- No, you're so sweet.
- No, you're sweeter.

No, you're sweeter.

No, you're the sweetest.

No, you're the sweetest.

Nauseating, right?

And then there's
Parker's truth.

Yes, I admit it.

I like country music.

Is that so wrong?

Does it really
make me that awful?

I can still be a dark and
moody artist any time I want.

So what if I like it?

I love it.

I want some more of it.

And what about me?

What's my outcome?

Let's just say Summer was
thrilled to be in my movie.

She really didn't care about
"The Bloody Slumber Party."

She just wanted to
star in a movie,

and she did, my
movie, this movie.

And now she thinks
I'm brilliant.

NEWT: Brilliant?

What, don't believe me?

Babe, turn off the camera
and come back to bed.

[music playing]

[whistle]

[ding]

[SINGING] I'd like to tell
you all an American story.

It starts with a
lie or two or three.

The lead man is so
very lonely, looking

for a girl or two or three.

The only way for him
to score a hottie,

draw up a plan
involving old friends.

They cast the perfect
girl into a movie

and write in a kiss
or two or three.

Oh, it makes me
glad for every lad.

It's the day when he
learns to score a hottie.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's more to the
story than meets the eye.

It only started
with a single lie.

But sooner or later,
it will kill you.

To hell with your
soul, you will die.

Hell's no place for
your soul to waste,

but you still need to
learn to score a hottie.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

If you're of the few who have
survived to the lads marching

onward through the night, thank
your lucky stars you're alive.

Be sure to treat her
and do her right.

And be sure to treat her
well and do her right.

And be sure to treat her
well and do her right--

in the ass, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hell's no place for
your soul to waste,

but you still need to
learn to score a hottie.

Oh, it makes me
glad for every lad.

It's the day when he
learns to score a hottie.

[MUSIC - BRIAN KARR, "AMERICAN
LIE"]

[SINGING] My American,
All-American girl,

for you, you know I would,
yeah, I would lie to the world.

I got a story that I know you
will love, oh, oh, whoa, whoa.

So here we go.

I can show I'm going to blow
you away with my American lie,

anything to get me by.

Nothing's out of line.

It's my American lie.

Everything I ever
need came from a lie.

And I wouldn't have
to if I felt you

would really like me for me.

It's my American lie.

The only way to catch
a ride, come and take

a ride on my American lie.

[rumbling]

[whoosh]