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[ Hip-hop playing ]
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00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:26,264
MAN: Hey, audience,
it's time for "Cute Corner,"
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00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:30,034
where you imagine the cute
animals that I describe.
4
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:33,004
Ready?
Okay, guys, close your eyes.
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00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:37,173
Imagine a ladybug
with a pug head on a leaf
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00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,565
with his tongue out
and whimpering.
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00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,907
Ahh!
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00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,751
Next, imagine
a scrunchy-faced kitty.
9
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,948
Crimp, crimp. Mmm!
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00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,720
Next, think of little arms,
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00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,790
fat tummy, googly-eyed,
licky lick.
12
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,360
[ Muttering ]
13
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:59,759
And a nippy, trembling,
skimpy knobber.
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00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,763
Click, clack, oh.
[ Mutters ]
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00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,095
Aw, him chilly.
16
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,601
Oh, shiver, shiver.
[ Chuckles ]
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00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:08,103
Next up, get ready to imagine
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00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,596
a goose...
[ Quacks ]
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00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:14,068
...with a monster
human [bleep]
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00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,808
Mm-hmm!
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00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,883
And, finally, picture
in your wittle heady-wed
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00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:22,582
a pretty little baby fawn
licking up a sugar cube.
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Okay.
[ Gags ]
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This has been "Cute Corner"!
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MAN: You can do this.
26
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:37,303
The only person who can stop you
is you.
27
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:40,571
And you're not
gonna give up, no.
28
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:44,341
Don't listen to the negative
voices telling you to quit.
29
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,072
You're a champion.
30
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,336
And champions just do it.
31
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:52,847
No! Stop!
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Brian, why?!
33
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,988
That's not my name!
34
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,533
My name is Doo Doo Man!
See?
35
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:08,859
And I'm a champion!
36
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,256
That's three times!
37
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,668
In one day.
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00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,199
I don't know how he does it,
frankly.
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[ Birds chirping ]
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00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,840
What's up, girl?
I know you're there.
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00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,341
-Hey, oh.
-What's up, girl?
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[ Ting! ]
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[ Beat plays ]
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00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:22,775
* What's up?
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00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,550
* Yo, yo, yo
46
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,678
Jamba Jews!
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* We're in your face
48
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,176
What's up, girl?
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00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,147
Jamba Jews!
50
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,024
* Hey, yo, what is up?
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00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,562
* Hey, yo, yo, yo
52
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:40,228
* Whaaat's uuuup, giiiirl?
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00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,631
-Send nudes, girl.
-What's up, girl?
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00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,033
Hey, just hear me out, girl.
55
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,034
Hey, girl, what's up?
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MAN: Big Dumb Siren!
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00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,636
It's finally available
in stores.
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00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,481
Big Dumb Siren for the top
of your bitch-ass head.
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00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,978
Perfect for idiots, [bleep] ups,
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00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,810
ne'er-do-wells, jackanapes,
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00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,246
loose-lipped pimps,
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00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,381
goblin sisters, [bleep]-a-boos,
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00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:05,016
[bleep]-a-boo bonzais,
fake-ass tricks,
64
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,722
punk-ass chumps,
snotty well moms,
65
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,715
and evildoers!
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00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,327
Big Dumb Siren!
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* I ain't gonna hear that
68
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,562
* Ain't gonna hear that
69
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,726
* Ain't gonna hear that
70
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:17,904
* Ain't gonna hear that
71
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,201
* Ain't gonna hear that
72
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:20,733
* Ain't gonna hear that
73
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,038
* Ain't gonna hear that
74
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,669
* Ain't gonna hear that
75
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:28,114
MAN:
"The Lord of the Things."
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00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,211
Once, there was
a very general man
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00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:35,515
who had a normal life
that we can all relate to.
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00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,049
Then he had to do a thing.
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00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,755
And when he did,
he became its lord.
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00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,689
He seemed to have authority
over a thing or two,
81
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,256
but like most of us,
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00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,725
he sometimes wanted
two things equally.
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00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,204
He had to choose one thing.
84
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,203
And there were consequences,
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00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,635
but they were not
insurmountable.
86
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:04,111
At last, some people helped him
and some did not.
87
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:06,884
Finally, there many things
he could not get around
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00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,454
to lording over.
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00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:12,592
He ended up always having lived
in a place with people.
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00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,660
And sometimes it was night.
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00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:18,158
And sometimes it was day.
92
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:23,801
And he lorded and he lorded
and he lorded...
93
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:26,971
over a good deal of things.
94
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:32,210
He was "The Lord of the Things."
95
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,978
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
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00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,310
Rule number one.
97
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,946
If your girl got a hurt foot,
98
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:44,021
don't you dare ask
for a blow job.
99
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,321
Stay hard, my friends.
100
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,322
* Bitches and dicks
101
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,988
* You know there ain't nothing
102
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,355
* But bitches and dicks
103
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,704
* You know there ain't
nothing but *
104
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,099
* Bitches and dicks
105
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,600
* You know there ain't
nothing but *
106
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,972
* Bitches and dicks
107
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,340
* You know there ain't
nothing but *
108
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,300
* Bitches and dicks
109
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:07,508
* Come on with your bitches
and dicks *
110
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,541
* Mmm, I got your bitches
and dicks *
111
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:14,048
* Come on with your bitches
and dicks *
112
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,851
Excuse me, family.
[ Screams ]
113
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,218
But when you was
taking out my bag
114
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:27,356
of gizzards and lizards
and neck bones and stuff,
115
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,325
did you happen to see
a wedding ring in there?
116
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:33,173
Because my fiancé
is very angry at me.
117
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,200
[ Shutters clicking ]
118
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,435
[ Techno playing ]
119
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,220
* I ain't gonna hear that
120
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,752
* Ain't gonna hear that
121
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:54,987
* Ain't gonna hear that
122
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,562
* Ain't gonna hear that
123
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:58,731
[ Gavel bangs ]
124
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:01,899
And now we'll hear
from our local swamp hag.
125
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,399
You have the floor.
126
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:06,371
My God damn bog
is drying up, y'all.
127
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,440
I don't buy no lotions
or moisturizers.
128
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:12,539
I moisten myself with
the [bleep] swamp, okay?
129
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,513
I eat lizards, dude.
130
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,542
I eat frogs.
131
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,506
And guess what,
they're all dying.
132
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:20,405
So, ergo, I'm dying,
mother-[bleep]
133
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:23,048
I'm a swamp hag!
[ Spectators murmuring ]
134
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,693
Order in the court.
135
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,049
Let her talk.
136
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,057
I gotta maintain my --
137
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,089
my translucence.
138
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,434
Gotta stay wet as [bleep]
139
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:36,261
The swamp keeps my hair
and my down there
140
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,466
in a constant state of squish.
141
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,929
That's my thing.
142
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:43,767
[ Slowly ]
I am a swamp hag!
143
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,444
Now, I said my piece.
144
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:49,084
Anybody got, like,
a bucket of crawdads
145
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,739
or a loaf of moldy bread?
146
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,108
No?
147
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,605
Oh [bleep] all y'all.
148
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:54,977
[ Microphone feedback ]
149
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,345
Order, order!
150
00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,586
Yo, it's me, G.
151
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,161
Dog Dog.
152
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,089
Got that jolting J., y'all.
153
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,934
Got the hat floating
on my pate, pate.
154
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
Absolutely no bottoms, yo,
155
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,796
'cause global warming
be real real.
156
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:14,302
Hey, peaces to my Lisas.
157
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,774
Name's Dog Dog, man.
158
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:22,979
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
159
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,810
* We have cocks
160
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:26,806
* Cock cocks
161
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:27,977
* Cock cocks
162
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,945
* We have cocks
163
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,083
* Cock cocks
164
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,418
* Cock cocky cocks
165
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,752
* There are Cheetos
on the floor *
166
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,017
* There are Cheetos
on the floor *
167
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:38,356
* We have cocks
168
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:39,791
* Cock cocks
169
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:41,527
* Cock cocks
170
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,267
You say you're better than me
at Geology?
171
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,339
Ha! Yeah, right,
calcite.
172
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:50,498
In your dreams,
Plasticine.
173
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:53,468
Har har, feldspar.
I mean, get mina-real.
174
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,807
[ Chuckles ]
Gotta say no, isotope.
175
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,013
Like hell, common shale.
176
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,184
My ass, noble gas.
177
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,882
Screw you, archipelago.
178
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,684
You wish, fossil fish.
179
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:05,216
Go home, limestone.
Whatever.
180
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,652
Na-uh, gypsum.
181
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,387
No way, yellow cake.
182
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,891
Get lost, permafrost.
183
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,363
Take a hike, quartzite.
184
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,361
Suck a [bleep]
metamorphic.
185
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:14,493
Damn it, granite.
186
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:16,628
Is your ass sick,
Jurassic?
187
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,404
The teacher loves me more,
ocean floor.
188
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,372
She's mine, alkaline.
189
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:24,541
We're actually
best friends.
190
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:28,506
MAN: Donald Sutherland-flavored
potato ships.
191
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,212
It's just not a meal
without 'em.
192
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:36,754
Now with even more of that
sweet, savory D.S. kick.
193
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,554
The other brands just don't know
how to bring across
194
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:43,017
that full flavor
of Donald Sutherland.
195
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,526
But we know.
And we bring it.
196
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,899
From the Sutherland
to your land.
197
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:53,429
Come on, Bubba.
You know you want some.
198
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,068
That's why I SCUBA dive.
199
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,407
All of the snorkelers,
200
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,741
they all wish they could get
the views
201
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,907
that we certified divers
can get.
202
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:10,176
I'm talking caves,
I'm talking deeper water,
203
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,847
I'm talking sea floor
and long, long --
204
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:18,557
* Butch Cassidy,
Sundance Kid *
205
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:26,472
* Butch Cassidy,
Sundance Kiiiiiid-d! *
206
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,982
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
207
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:40,250
Rule number four --
never publicly floss,
208
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,050
pick, spit, blow, expel,
or stretch.
209
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,294
Stay likable, my friends.
210
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,887
* One, two, three
211
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,422
* We got a 30-pack
212
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:54,328
* In a plastic sack
213
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,131
* We got a 30-pack
214
00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,634
* In a plastic sack
215
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,168
* Well, let me tell
the tale *
216
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,942
* Of an ordinary Thursday
217
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,441
* Me and mine feeling fine,
but kind of thirsty *
218
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:07,783
* We roll up to the store
219
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,478
* On the street
by Billy Crudup's *
220
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,479
* And we tell the man
to give us what we want *
221
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:14,411
* We got a 30-pack
222
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,177
* In a plastic sack
223
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,987
* We got a 30-pack
224
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,620
* In a plastic sack
225
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,856
* And we're cool
226
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:29,527
MAN: You can't quit.
227
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,532
You are a champion.
228
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,965
Your name is not Brian.
229
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:39,013
You are Doo Doo Man.
230
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:44,679
And now you are going to run
for president.
231
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:47,352
* Ain't gonna hear that
232
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:50,550
[ Hip-hop playing ]
233
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,800
Bye-bye.
234
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:05,672
Chirp.
235
00:11:05,722 --> 00:11:10,272
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