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Man: In September of 1864,

a group of representatives

from the colonies
of British North America

arrived on a steamship

in Charlottetown,
Prince Edward Island,

to discuss
a ground-breaking idea.

Their goal:
to unite the Maritime Union

with the then-named
Province of Canada.

Unfortunately for the men,

a circus was in town
at the same time,

which the public found
much more interesting,

so there was no one
working at the docks

and the men's ship
remained at sea.

Humiliated,
the only official agreement

to come from this meeting,

was that the men
would meet again.

Another gathering
with the same agenda

was held the next month
in Quebec.

After lengthy negotiations,

the men agreed to create
a single united country, Canada,

and drafted
the British North America Act,

later known
as Canada's Constitution.

With winter keeping any more
distracting carnivals at bay,

people across the land cheered

over the creation
of their new country...

which didn't officially
become a country

until three years later,

on July 1st 1867, Canada Day,

when a bored Queen Victoria

accidentally noticed the
constitution on an end table,

and reluctantly
signed it into law.

The world's indifference
toward my homeland

had officially begun.

Man:
I was born a typical
Canadian child.

Raised by a lumberjack,

had hockey bed sheets...

and went to school
with an Inuit boy

named Roger Poontip.

Who was ironically
the last guy in class

to remain a virgin.

I loved living in Canada.

Specifically beautiful
Calgary, Alberta.

With the Rockies on one side,

prairies and rivers
on the other,

I thought it was paradise.

I was also an adventurous child.

Like one winter when I was four,

I thought I could jump a huge
rock on a hill on a toboggan.

I could not.

Or when I was in grade eight,

I wanted to make a bomb

like the ones I saw
in action movies

and ended up blowing up

my junior high school
long-jump pit,

and almost my chances
at being allowed into Grade 9.

A teacher there,
Mr. Macklemore,

told me that I'd never
amount to anything,

and the next time
I came back to the school

would be as its janitor.

More on him later.

10 years later,
I had moved to L.A.

and landed a job
as a TV sitcom writer.

I was fortunate enough
to work on some great shows,

some so-so shows,

and "According To Jim".

But on every show I worked on,

I kept running into
the same strange problem.

Once my fellow writers
found out I was Canadian,

they'd immediately stare at me
like I was a freak,

then make more lame
stereotypical comments

about my homeland.

So, I hear you're
from Canada.
Yeah...

(Imitating Canadian accent)
How's it goin', eh ?

(Chuckling)
Noo doot uboot it!

(Laughing)

This annoying issue also
continued wherever I travelled.

In Kenya, these guys wondered
how I was so healthy,

given Canada
couldn't grow vegetables

under our permanent
layer of ice.

The Italian man who snapped this

worried the sun would melt me

because Canadians
are all nice snow people.

Then one day I snapped.

Decades of people's
lame stereotypes

or complete ignorance
about my homeland

had finally pushed me
over the edge.

Come on, who out there really
knows anything about Canada?

Exactly.

(Epic music)

So I decided to make
a movie about it.

A home movie, about my home.

I would interview
a wide variety of Canadians,

some more known than others.

As well as a variety
of non-Canadians

from around the world,
(Cheering)

while driving from one end
of Canada to the other.

This seemed to be the only way
to get the answers

to the long list of questions

that have plagued me
my whole life,

and show once and for all

we're more than just
igloos and beer.

But, could I finally put
my eternal problem to rest?

There was only one way
to find out.

("Star Wars"-style music)

( ¶¶ )

("Superman" theme music)

( ¶¶ )

I'm here in the Maritimes.

Today is Saturday, June 22nd.

I'm about to begin my journey

to go from coast to coast
in Canada,

and I'm going to find out
what it means being Canadian,

before midnight, July 1st,

Canada Day, in Vancouver.

Hit it, D.J. Brad
and the Queensland dancers!

(Folk music)

Narrator:
As this charming old time
welcome continued around me...

and continued some more,

I consulted my map

on how best to begin
my cross-country drive.

Wow, these guys
really loved dancing,

and they were starting
to make me a little dizzy,

so I decided to just head west.

And I was going to do that

in one very sexy ride!

Commercial announcer:
A beautiful 2012 Chrysler
Town and Country mini-van!

With room for eight,

and doors wide enough

to easily handle big stickers
promoting small movies,

the Town and Country
is perfect

for all of your cross-Canada
documentary needs!

What's up, ladies!

Retail price is 31,999.

Back to you, Rob!

Rob: (Narrating)
Thanks, Helen.

So, as my journey began,

I realized I had
a huge task ahead of me,

given how big Canada was,

but couldn't be starting
from a more amazing place.

Nova Scotia.

(Folk guitar music)

Rob: (Narrating)
Originally populated
by the Mi'kmaq people,

and on Canada's east coast,

Nova Scotia is famous
for its seafood,

its rugged beauty,

and the iconic lighthouse
at Peggy's Cove.

Since I knew I was going to be
on the road for awhile,

I thought I'd stretch my legs,

and get in some fresh salt air.

And begin finding out

what it really means
to be Canadian

by confirming the issue

that got this whole movie
rolling in the first place.

Rob:
What is the capital of Canada?

(Laughing)

Quebec?

How about,
let's guess...

Arkansas.
(Drunken laughter)

Canada's...
like an old lady.

Like it's quite nice to you,

it's polite,

but you don't really notice it.

I do think about Canada.

When it's really hot
in Bangladesh,

I think of Canada.

Oh, Canadians are easy,

it's Bob and Doug McKenzie,

it's lots of snow,

it's plaid, it's hockey...

Rob:
What do you guys think
the population of Canada is?

Hm...

4,000?

(Slurring)
I say the same.

That's a good estimate.

It's huge.
It is.

It's giant.

Gigantic.

It's a giant piece
of white chocolate

that sits
on top of America.

Rob:
What if I told you
it was a little higher?

Really?
Okay, I'd be like,

6,000.
450.

Rob:
Getting warmer.

Which one?
8,000!

Rob: Bingo.
(Both) Woo!

There's a real sort
of macho stride
to Canadians

that's sort of like
"check me out",

"get out of my way",
"I'll kick your ass".

I think a Canadian
would be very tall,

and have broad shoulders,

and be quite hairy.

Look at your
whole stance
right now.

I know look at me.
It's sort of like

you're going
to deal with me.

Your legs are open,
it's very sexually
provocative.

White, very white.

Slightly red
when they go
out in the sun.

White.
White-red.

They are white.

They have...

they...

they look very clean.

(Laughing)

Yellow, sometimes.
No.

They have a lot
of colours.
Why yellow?

How?

Because I don't know,

when they get ill,
I presume they get
a little bit...

(Chuckling)

Rob: (Narrating)
Pretty depressing, right?

But this is exactly
the sort of stuff

we Canadians have been
dealing with since...

there were Canadians.

But I wasn't the only Canuck

who has had
a life-long issue with this.

So...

The world knows little
about Canada.

I mean, if you go to some places
in the United States,

they couldn't even
tell you where it is.

I think there's a lot of...

mystery involved,

and thank God
you're doing this film.

I think they think
we're mysterious.

They don't know a lot about us.

Just the, kind of...

lack of any
knowledge at all

about the place
that you grew up.

I was a bit surprised
when I was, uh,

just in the States, last month,

and I told someone
I was from Canada.

And they said, "Where's that?"

We don't make headlines a lot

so they're not reading Canada
every day in the paper.

They're reading about,
you know, Afghanistan,

they're reading Iran,
they're reading England.

If we were next to,
um, you know...

Uganda...

we'd stick out
a little bit more.

I swear to you,
people have said,

"I love Canada, it's one
of my favourite cities."

We're just understated.
Right.

To the point
where nobody cares.

(Laughing)

We are sort of
appreciated

in the same way
like Switzerland is.

Supposed to be clean

and they have a good banking
system apparently.

Oh, I've just been to Toronto.

It's so clean.

(Chuckling)

I mean they ask if
you know people a lot.

"Well I have a friend
in Canada.

Maybe you know him."

What's scary is I actually
do know the people,

like, more often
than I would like to admit.

Rob:
People outside of Canada,

if they had to describe
Canada, like, in one word,

what do you think
they would guess?
Igloos!

Together:
(Laughing)

I had people ask me
if I lived in an igloo.

They asked if I lived
in an igloo.

How do you get your news?

'Cause you don't have
radio or television
out there in your igloos.

Beavers.
Lots of beaver.

Lots of beaver.
(Chuckling)

There was a woman
from Sweden

who literally asked me
that if she came to Canada,

would she see polar bears
walking down the street?

It was, uh,
I don't know, July 10th,

and we had cousins
that came up and visited

and they brought, you know...

boots and thick coats.

And we thought, "Really?

You couldn't even have tracked
that information down, huh?"

People think Canada
is a frozen tundra

12 months a year.

Do you have trees up there?

Do you ever see the sun?

Those kind of questions I go,

"F.O. and read a book,
please."

(Laughing)
I do get defensive.

Rob: (Narrating)
See?

I'm not alone in my frustration.

And what's the deal
with the igloo obsession?

And just like igloos,

it was getting cold
out there on the rocks,

and I still had
a lot of ground to cover.

( ¶¶ )

With the country ahead of me,

I'll admit
I was more excited about my trip

than I thought I'd be.

And I will also admit

I was excited
the mini van had a heater.

My blood had thinned
living in the U.S.

But in the spirit of honesty,

before I got too far,

I needed to cop
to something else.

I have never been
to the Maritimes,

before doing this movie.

Man:
Really?

Nope. Never.

I've been stupid for not
exploring my own country,

up until this point.

Because I've been
all around the world,

I just have not been
all around Canada,

which I am
a little embarrassed about.

Rob: (Narrating)
I felt a bit weird saying this,

given how defensive
I'd always been about my home.

But I was going
to see Canada now,

and get the answer to my quest.

Whenever I'm outside of Canada,

people usually think
I'm American.

Then they have their minds blown

when they learn I am Canadian.

Everyone reacts
the same way they would

when their teachers spring
a pop quiz on them.

Surprised, unprepared,

and then wanting to be excused

because they feel queasy
in the pants.

Those reactions really hurt
our feelings.

We're not trying
to trick anybody,

but I want to know...

Being Canadian
is definitely

something I enjoy.

(Laughing)

Just because most people
don't really understand

what a Canadian is,

but they know
we're different,
somehow.

No matter how many times
I said it,

and said it in print

or said it
on the Tonight Show,

everybody I met,
and I would say

"Well you know
I'm a Canadian",

they go, "Really?
You're a Canadian?"

People were surprised
when I told them I was Canadian.

Like you said, they seemed
kind of betrayed by it.

Suddenly I'll say
one word,
Yeah.

Yeah
they'll pick out
and they'll just go,

"You're
Canadian! "

Like I've been
hiding it
from them.

I was the social content
of America for nine years.

Rob: Right.
And I think that the fact
that I was Canadian

was maybe just too
confusing for people.
Right.

You know, it probably goes back
to the McCarthy thing,

they look like us,

they talk like us,
they move like us,

but they're other.

Because, it means
we walk amongst them.

Rob:
This club of Canadians
that all, sort of,

walk around,
knowing, like...

Winking at each other.

They almost look like Americans,

but they almost look
like Russian spies

dressed up as Americans,
you know?
Rob: Right.

We look like Americans,

sometimes we can change
our "abouts" and our "a-bahts",

and we can talk like Americans.

We can wear the same clothes
as Americans,

(Whispering)
but you don't know we're there.

(Eerie music)

Rob: (Narrating)
It's weird, right?

We're not so spooky.

We're really pretty harmless,

unless you try to take
our donuts.

Speaking of which, after buying
a few dozen for the crew,

I drove west,

towards the capital
of Nova Scotia, Halifax.

(Bagpipe music)

Rob: (Narrating)
Halifax is a historic
Canadian city.

It's also rich
in important world history,

as a critical staging ground
for both the Revolutionary War,

the American Civil War,

and World War II.

(Blast)
Man: Woo!

(Church bell tolling)

Growing up, Canadian kids
study all of this in school,

as well as learning the history
of the rest of the world.

But in my experience
outside of Canada,

the rest of the world didn't
seem to return the favour.

So as I walked around town,
I got to thinking...

¶ Let's talk about Canada ¶

¶ Canada ¶

¶ It's the greatest
country in the world ¶

Rob:
If you had to explain
Canada's history

to someone
in two sentences,

what would
it be?

Unknown.

I didn't know
there was Canadian history.

I did not...
I did not know that.

When I was a kid, like,
history books in Canada

were published
in the United States.

Right.

There were no
history books
made in Canada.

And so we studied
American history.
Mm-hm.

Until Pierre Trudeau
became prime minister

and said, "We should
study Canadian history."

My name is Al

and I'm from
outside of Boston,
Massachusetts.

I'm Maddie
and I'm from
Dallas, Texas.

When you were in school,
in Boston,

how much Canadian history
did you learn?

I don't think
we've ever
done anything

on Canada.

I don't think
I learned about

anything about
Canada, really.

K through 12,
we spent on Canadian history,

could have been less than
2 or 3 minutes.

It's the first country ever

to have an unarmed evolution
into existence.

Yes, yes. We didn't have
the balls to have a civil war.

The United States, like France,
had a serious revolution

and killed a lot of people,

which is very appealing
to young people.

We're not a country
that's fought to...

tell our own story
in our own way.

It just seemed like it was
like a business deal

made over lunch, you know?

I don't think
it's a boring history,

I think we don't know
enough about it.

Laura Secord, you know,
was very heroic

and did all sorts of, you know,

mindboggling things.

Laura Secord is the
founding mother of Canada.

She made all of the chocolates
that I ate growing up.

And a lot of people
had, like, a picture

of David Cassidy over their bed,

but I had the Laura Secord
chocolate chart.

It is a vibrant history,

it is an incredibly
bizarre history.

And it's not presented
or taught that way.

I think that's also
a part of why we're so insecure,

we don't believe we're fancy.

Canadian History,

it's like watching a field
of forests die slowly

tree by tree.

The key to Canadian history,
in reverse,

is Walt Disney.

If we had Walt Disney,

we would have had
Davey Crocket, you know.

Who do we have instead?

Uh, and instead,
we had Alex Trebek.

(Laughing)

Okay.

Rob: (Narrating)
But I swear,

Canada does have some exciting
things in our past.

Like...

(Upbeat music)

Louis Riel, one of our fathers
of Confederation,

who was executed for treason.

Or Sir John A. MacDonald.

Our first Prime Minister,

who served six terms,

but was a major drinker,

and became famous for publicly
acting like an idiot.

A tradition that still
lives on today.

But there is one thing

Canada has contributed
to history

that I'm positive
the world knows about.

Canada, we built
that arm

that sticks out
on top of the
space shuttle.

Rob:
Why are we
so proud of it?

Because it says
Canada right on it.

Rob: (Narrating)
Ah, yes, the Canadarm.

It was a huge source
of pride for us,

and you didn't need a rocket
scientist to explain that,

did you?

But in case you do,

we also have one of those!

The purpose
of the robotic arm is,

is to move equipment
such as this

around within the bay
during the flight mission.

Oh, you built the arm
on the space shuttle?

Right.
The Canada arm.

Right.

Not the actual shuttle though,

just the arm? Right.

I think that
the Americans

made the huge
turkey dinner

and we brought
the little Jell-O

with marshmallows
in it.

Sure.
Yeah.

Rob: (Narrating)
And I hate to bring this up,

but we do always have this
bad boy in our back pocket.

We burned down the White House
and it felt good.

(Music: "Oh Canada")

You know in the war of 1812,

all of the politicians
in Washington

have left D.C.

because they think the battle
is going to take place

in some place in Virginia,

so Washington
is basically empty.

Canadians sailed down
the Potomac.

Before they burn down
the White House though,

they sit down
and they have the banquet

that was prepared
for the President

because they thought they were
going to win the battle.

And at the end of the banquet,

the British General
turns to the chef,

the White House chef and says,

"Tell the President
the food was excellent,

but the service left
something to be desired."

( ¶¶ )

Rob: (Narrating)
You've got to admit, that
story is pretty bad-ass.

But if you tell it
to an American,

they'll think you're crazy.

But it's true,

and something I would
have to savour in the car

because I had a lot more
Canada to go.

Plus the weird guy working
the cannon at the fort

kept asking me if I wanted
to see his band play that night.

I did not.

So it was goodbye Nova Scotia
and hello New Brunswick.

(Marching drum)

(Folk music)

New Brunswick
was another province

I had never been to before,

and it was stunning.

Huge forests,

sparsely populated,

and home to
the Picaroons Brewery,

where we stopped off for some
quick Canadian refreshments.

(Bottles clinking)

Rob: (Narrating)
This pit stop was perfect,

and delicious.

From what I can remember.

Thankfully my producer took over
driving duties for a bit

while I "admired the scenery".

(Loons calling)

Rob: (Narrating)
As the Millennium Mini-van
Falcon pressed on,

I was a bit nervous

about exploring
the next question on my list.

Why? Because growing up,

this was the one thing that
every generation of Canadians

would discuss endlessly.

And honestly, I always found it
a bit... unsettling.

Americans didn't do it.

Brits don't.

The Chinese don't do this,

but if you have ever been
in a room with a Canuck,

or even worse, a bargain
rental vehicle with a bunch,

this is bound to come up.

I myself was guilty of it.

So I decided to
once and for all learn...

That's a
good point.

I think that's true.

'Cause I'm always
saying that,

"Oh that guy's Canadian."

The more you find out
who is Canadian

the more you're like
"Yessss!" "Score!"

Like Leslie Nielsen,
Yessss!

To them he's an American icon,
to us he's one of ours.

Lorne Michaels.

Biggest name in television
right now, you know?

Pretty much controls all of NBC.

He's from Toronto.

Mary Pickford, you know,
America's sweetheart.

She was Canadian.

Max Senate,
he was Canadian.

You like Loverboy?
Yeah, that's us.

Fay Ray
is from Canada.

Uh, Louis B. Mayer,
Canadian.

The Warner Brothers,
Canadian.

The list, all of them
know the list

of who did what
in Canada.

I think Canadians, you know,

like to kind of pipe up and say,

you know really, look who came
from our community.

Rob:
Right.

And, uh, it comes
from our insecurity,

and our low self-esteem.

We want to make sure Americans
know that, like,

"Oh we, we've had impact
on this culture also."

Takes us to go, "No no no,
that person you like?

"Yes, he's Canadian as well.

She's Canadian.
They are Canadian".

I mean, it's the same reason

that Jews want to point out
who's Jewish.

And I'm Jewish
and Canadian

and so I'm doing it
all the time.

(Wheezing)

The word in Yiddish is nachas.

They have a tremendous amount
of nachas,

pride in anyone
who is Canadian who succeeds

anywhere in the rest
of the world.

Like, an American will
come up to me and say,
um, you know,

"I love 'Family Ties'"
or "I love 'Back to
the Future'" or whatever.

Um, a Canadian will
always come up and
say, "We're Canadian".

"Hey we're from Canada."
And I was, "Where
are you from?"

You know, "I'm from
Esterhazy, I'm from...

Winnipeg," you know,

and it's like,
"Oh yeah, I'm from Burnaby,

we have so much in common."

Your excitement
upon meeting them

doubles because
they're Canadian.

Good to see you.

Rob: Good
to see you,
brother.

Canadian?
Yes.
Me too.

It's that connection.

Again, it's that thing
where we seek each other out.

I don't know why
it is important, but it is.

Rob: (Narrating)
And as a little nerd,

no one embodied my participation
in this phenomenon better

than when I told anyone
who would listen

that Captain James T. Kirk
was Canadian.

("Star Trek"-style eerie SFX)

Why does that
have to wreck it
for them?

'Cause they want the best
people on their team.

He's one of our
national treasures,

and ironically
he comes from Canada.

He's also
the epitome

of how America
foists itself

into the world.

The prime directive
of the Federation was,

you cannot influence
the culture of a planet.

And every episode
ended with Kirk

running into the chambers
of the President,

going, "Your god is a lie!
Give us your Zenite!"

I think it says
more about you

than it does
about Captain Kirk.

Well, what are
you perceiving?

What is your...?

Well there's a need
to say, you know,

Captain Kirk
is Canadian,

and I'm Canadian.

You're trying to elevate
yourself a little bit.

Rob:
Right.
Yeah.

What other problems
do you notice about me?

I'd love to
document that.

Well physical
appearance but
I would just,

that's another issue,
and I think, you know,

we can talk
about the whole
clothing thing

after the...
after the interview.

Rob: (Narrating)
But why don't we get
the final word

on my childhood obsession

from the man himself?

Rob:
If Captain Kirk
was Canadian

and wanted everybody
off the ship,

how would he say it
in the Canadian...?

(With Canadian accent)
"Get out!

Get out!

You...

Labrator!"

(Chuckling)
My, what idiots!

Rob: (Narrating)
You know what?

It doesn't matter
what that guy says,

I am always going to think
he is the coolest.

As for my trip,
I was only two days in,

and it was dawning on me

that some of
the silly Canadian stereotypes

may have some merit.

However, as we stopped
for gas in Fredericton,

this happened.

A woman saw the sign
on our van,

and when she learned we were
driving across the country,

trying to find out what
it means to be Canadian,

she insisted she wanted
to contribute.

Contribution
to your drive.

I appreciate it.

Rob: (Narrating)
She was so sweet.

She and her husband even
bought us snacks for the road.

See you later.

Rob: (Narrating)
That's her husband,

but he couldn't go on camera
because he was listening

to a hockey game on the
car radio. Of course.

I mean, she was so sweet.

Everybody there
was so unbelievably nice.

Colin:
They were so nice.

Rob: (Narrating)
And they fortunately,
or unfortunately,

brought up another question

I have been asked my whole life.

The Canadian superhero
I would call,

possibly,
"Manners-Man".

He's very well kempt,

he's very polite,
he'll fly up to a window,

but then tap
on the window

before breaking
through it.

He always has a sweater.
(Chuckling)

Politeness is one thing
that extends to all of Canada.

Um, everybody knows us
for apologizing for things,

and yeah it's a stereotype,

but it's a true stereotype.

If I knock into the couch,

I say sorry to the couch.

If I hit the wrong key,

on my keyboard,
I'll say, "Oops, sorry".

I was on vacation recently,

and I bumped into a tree
and I apologized to that tree.

Twice I was rear-ended
and I apologized,

and they drove off.

We went to the Hudson Bay
and we were in an elevator

and all I did was just
move my shoulder a little bit

and someone said "sorry" and
then I turned around this way,

and another person
on my left said "sorry".

And my daughters
were, like, they were amazed.

So I would,
when we would go in elevators,

I said, "this elevator
ride is going to be

a 3-sorry elevator ride
or a 2-sorry elevator ride".

Quick story.
Sure.
I'm in Vancouver.

There's a building on fire.
"Let's go check that out".

We pull over, about 60 people
have already gathered.

Cop walks up to
the fireman and says,

"Is there
anything I can do?"

He says, "Well, you can
move all those people
back to the street."

I thought, "Good luck".
And he said, "All right, folks,

I'm just going to need y'all
to move back to the street."

And everybody just went...

I'm always impressed
when somebody walks in and goes,

"I want a steak and I want this
and I want this".

I'm like,
"That guy is such a badass".

(Laughing)

Rob: (Narrating)
And upon further reflection,

this is one
stereotypical Canadian trait

that has had positive effects.

When I came to the United States

I was well received

and everywhere I went,
people said,

"Oh you're Canadian, you're
automatically a nice person".

When I'm in other parts
of the world,

when people find out
that I'm... Canadian,

they almost seem
relieved, actually.
Mm-hm.

Yeah, no, it's true,
when you're abroad,

that for sure happens.

"Oh! Oh, thank God."

It's like, you know,
like in Turkey,

they go, you know,
"American?"

And I go,
"No, Canadian."

They go,
"Ahh. Sorry. Sorry!"

Like, I remember the
first place I travelled
when I was young,

obviously it was Amsterdam,
when I was 18.

When I showed up
at my first café,

people literally
were not that cool to me.

And then, then they started
noticing this little
Canadian flag on my T-shirt,

everyone was like,
"Oh, oh right over here,
oh you want a drink?

Sit down, where you from?
Let's talk!"

And it was a little bizarre.

We're crippled with niceness
and that's a problem because,

uh, the rest of the world
views us as a,

you know, a wussy country.

I'm confused by why
and how it came to be

that we are slaves
to our courtesy.

Well, I think it's
a little nutty, if you ask me.

We have an existential crisis

of "I don't even
deserve to exist".

Rob: (Narrating)
Alanis was right.

I know I'd spent my entire life
apologizing just to be safe.

Even when people said
dumb stuff about Canada.

But are we too nice
for our own good?

I wanted to find out
where our famous Canadian
politeness came from,

once and for all,
by taking a detour off my route,

and speaking to an expert
in the field.

(Baroque music)

Hey.
Hello. Rob?

Yes.
Linda Allen.

Thank you so much.
How are you?

I'm great.
Welcome back
to Canada.

Thank you.

Linda:
My name is Linda Allen.

My company goes
by the name
of Linda Allen

and I'm an
etiquette expert.

And do you think
that it's an
amazing coincidence

that your company
is named after you?

Uh, no, no,
not at all.

I purposely set out
to put my name
to my company.

Smart.

As we discussed before,
we're sort of known

correct or incorrect,

for being
unbelievably polite.

Yeah, and we're not
sort of known,

we're well known
for being
unbelievably polite,

you're right.
So expand on that.

Like, why do you
think that is?

Well, I think
it goes back,
in some sense,

to our
Parliamentarian
system,

I mean our,
you know,

we hail from
British rule,

and differences,
they're polite,

everybody thinks
of them as just...

amazingly
well-mannered.

So if that camera were,
let's say,

the guy at a front desk
at a hotel in Spain

and he had done you wrong,
how would you admonish him?

Well I'd still go
up to the counter
and I'd say,

"Excuse me,
I don't mean to be rude

but I wanted to let you know
that my bill is incorrect

and I'm wondering if you
could... take a look at this

and just see if I'm right".

So that's, yeah...
And then if I was...

It's not very
aggressive is it?

But then
if I was him

and I said
in my non-existent
Spanish accent,

"No I think, uh,
you did order
300 pornos

and all these muffins
so you got to pay."

Gosh, I wish I could
hit you back

with something
to say that I...

Well bring it,
unleash the Canadian fury.

But I think we would
just roll our eyes,

shrug our shoulders.

We're so afraid to,

um, to put
someone else down

or something else down
because in our culture,

that says more about us

than the rudeness that was
emitted from someone else.

Canada was built on
an ancient Indian
burial ground

and instead
of poltergeists,
(Laughing)

we have apologies
that are haunting us,
and we just...

we're not going to do
anything about it.
Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Oh thank you,
it was a pleasure.

Rob: (Narrating)
Wow.

We may be sicker
than I thought.

Even when confronted
with something we didn't do,

our instinct
is to beg forgiveness.

I wanted to process this,

but had to get back on the road

if I was going to make
my Canada Day deadline.

But first,

there was some official
business to attend to.

(Muzak)

Oh, excuse us.
Sorry, everyone.

Sorry I'm alive,
I'm sorry I made it,

I'm sorry I'm a success.

Surry?
Ooh, sorry.

Sorry, I didn't do that
right the first time.

Rob:
No, there's
no wrong.

You don't need
to apologize
for apologizing.

Oh, sorry!
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Sorreehh...

I'm sorry.

Oh my god, sorry.

I'm sorry I exist.

Oh sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.
Sorry.

(Chuckling)
Sorry.

Sorry.
Je m'excuse.

I'm sorry
these people

have to listen
to us saying sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but thank you
very, very much for watching.

I'm Ann Luu, CTV news,
Vancouver,

and I'm sorry.

(Singing)
¶ I've neve-e-e-r... ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ been so sorry-y-y ¶

(Dissonant music)

(Turns off organ)

Sorry.

Rob: (Narrating)
I think we just earned
our Canadian tax credits.

And maybe
it's not so bad being nice.

But, we shouldn't get too cocky.

Because my whole life,

I had always felt
that our politeness

actually may be
covering up something

a bit more sinister?

Oh yeah.

Somebody who's very close
to me said Canadians

are the most passive-
aggressive people
they've ever met.

Like, I met some
people in Canada

who seemed to have issues.
You know what I mean?

Like,
resentments,

and didn't let it out,
they didn't say anything.

But, like, behind their eyes,

kind of like the
look you're giving
me right now.

Like, "Great answer.

I love the answer".

Rob:
But I actually
hate the answer,

but I'm too polite
to say it.

Exactly, you hate the answer.
Right.

See, this is a perfect example
of the Canadian problem.

It's the home of the
backhanded compliment.

"Hey, uh, you know, you're
that guy from that show,"

and you're like, "Yeah, yeah,"
and they'll say,

"Yeah, I saw that prison movie
you did though.

Man, that was bad, huh?"

Well, we're nice
as long as you're nice,

and as soon
as you become a dick,

we're gonna become
extra big dicks.

That's true.

Extra big dicks.

People think of Canadians
as kind of peaceful people

and all that stuff

and not being in a big hurry
to get into wars

and not having handguns.

But you know, our national
past-time is this game

where we, like,
just pummel each other.

Rogen:
When my friends
come from Canada,

they're not, like,
the mellow ones

at the premiere party
that I've brought them to.

They're the ones
everyone's looking at, like,

"Who the fuck are these guys?"

"How did they get in here?"

"Why are they screaming"
and, you know,

"drinking 10 times more than
everyone else at this party?"

When we get a
little bit crazy,

like, we riot
over a hockey game

or one of our mayors is accused
of smoking crack cocaine,

I think to the rest
of the world,

they kind of go,
"Oh yeah, Canada,

I forgot about them."

And it almost gives us
a little bit of street cred.

Rob: (Narrating)
Between you and me,

I think this trip is going
pretty well so far.

My attempt to uncover the
mysteries of the Canadian psyche

has been very interesting,

but a bit scary.

Coincidentally,
the same two thoughts

that went through my mind

when Theresa Barnett
forced my hand up her blouse

at our grade seven dance.

But more on my
junior high school days later.

Right now, to stay on schedule,

I needed to hit
my next stop before dark.

So as the sun began
to set on Day 2,

I zoomed on into...

(With French accent)
Québec.

(Accordion music)

Quebec is a very significant
province within our nation,

and to my personal history.

It acts as the gateway
from the Maritimes

into Anglo-Canada,

and my mother was born there,
in Montreal.

And going back to our
supposedly boring history,

in the 1960s,
Quebec was also the home

of our own version
of a terrorist group,

the Front de Libération
du Québec.

Who fought and killed
for an independent,

French-speaking
"workers" society.

The other thing
I remember growing up

was a lot of Quebecois,
my fellow Canadians,

kept voting on wanting
to separate from Canada.

Every few years,
they would hold a referendum,

and I would watch my parents
sit nervously by the TV,

hoping our country
would stay together.

Good evening,
the polls have just closed...

Rob: (Narrating)
Our Anglo-French combo

always seemed
very volatile to me,

so I thought this was the
perfect opportunity to explore.

We have two
official languages

that don't even like each
other, that don't even...

Okay, don't try
to glom onto our two
official languages.

Does anybody speak
French in Calgary?
Have you ever heard it?

It has one positive effect,

which it kind of, uh,

maintains a high degree
of tension.

The only time I ever have
tension towards people in Quebec

is referendum time

because of the idea
of splitting Canada up

makes me mad
to the point where...

We're suddenly realizing,

"Oh my god, we could
blow a hole in this country,"

where you almost
want to say to them,

"You guys are nuts,
like, please stay".

Yeah.

I was never in the sort of
French-English problem.

I did have one of my favourite
lines came out of that,

which was,
"My father never lived

to fulfil his dream
of an all Yiddish-
speaking Canada".

(Speaking French)

When we start reading about
what happened to the French,

and how they couldn't even
speak in their own language,

working for the Hudson's Bay
and stuff like that,

being fired all that,

you got to throw
all that stuff in.

(Continues in French)

(Speaking in French)

It's just another one
of those incredible,

sort of unique,
really unique things
about Canada.

It's not this...

it isn't the dull...

asexual country

that I laughingly
labelled it early on.

Rob: (Narrating)
But where exactly

did all of our longtime
English-French conflict

get started?
I wanted to see for myself,

and headed to what I was told
was the actual spot.

This is where it all happened.

Much like the two girls
off to my left

who are fighting for
the attention of boys,

this is where
the British and the French

had their epic battle
basically for Canada.

The Generals Montcalm and Wolfe

leading the French
and British army

fought it out like maniacs

to see who would get
the future of Canada.

The battle
lasted fifteen minutes,

both generals were killed,

and nothing was resolved.

So, uh,
a classic Canadian resolution.

The English
held their ground longer

and Canada became
an Anglo nation,

and the French
stayed here in Quebec,

in their little stronghold,

and I think this is what started
the French-English issue

and the separatist movement.

(Speaking in French)

The gap between separating
and referendum

is actually getting bigger now.

People do not want to separate
as much as they did.

The gap before in '95
was 1% if I'm mistaken,

now it's even getting
bigger and bigger.

So the chance of them
actually separating,

to be honest with you,
aren't very likely.

Rob: (Narrating)
This was a huge relief to hear,

and I was loving
my time in Quebec.

Which was strange to say
because growing up,

my only lengthy exposure
to Canada's French side

was on the side of
my cereal boxes in the morning.

But this trip confirmed
Quebec was awesome.

My French-Canadian peeps
were very cool,

and basically just like me,

but with a higher tolerance
for accordion music

and underage smoking.

I was beginning to think

all the ignorant comments some
of my Alberta relatives made

about French Canadians being
rude, was completely unearned.

(Speaking in French)

Rob: (Narrating)
This shows what happens
when you generalize.

But those cereal boxes
I mentioned

lead me to another question
on my list: food.

Not for me, because
I had just treated the crew

to some killer poutine.

Delicious, but it literally
almost killed us.

And made me wonder,

if you name almost
any country in the world,

you can list
their iconic dishes.

But I never know what to say

when non-Canadians
ask me...

In my town,
I believe we had a
Chinese restaurant

and there was
a symbol on
the front sign

of a Chinese man
in a coolie hat

shaking hands
with a Mountie.

And it said,
"Chinese and
Canadian cuisine".

(Laughter)

What do you think
a typical Canadian meal is?

If I was to make you
a typical Canadian dinner,
Oh, jeez.

what would it consist of?

Um, beer.

Some beer.

Probably some good old
Canadian beer.

Donuts and beer.

Maple syrup, pancakes?

Canadian bacon.

Bacon and beer, hm.

Canadian bacon
and maple syrup.
Seafood?

Rob:
What about
beer and beer?

Beer and beer? Yeah.

Sure, different kind of beer,
and another kind of beer.

It's a very subtle flavour.

If America is
hamburgers and steak

and if Mexico was salsa,
Canada is celery.

We're from Canada,

where mayonnaise
was considered a spice.

My Canadian food is salmon.

We'll take it fried,
barbequed, dried.

To me, Canadian food
is like sushi,

like, 'cause I'm from
Vancouver and there's
sushi everywhere.

French fries with white vinegar
and ketchup and salt.

Nom nom!

Spaghetti and moose balls.

Is that a family recipe?

I don't know, it would go right
with my beaver tartar.

I'll have a double portion of
beaver please, I'm from Canada.

"Excuse me?"

The exhibition,
years ago

they had foods
of the world
that was a booth

and they had,
you know,

empañadas
and burritos

from Mexico...
Burrito!

and all these
different places,

and like crepes
from France,

and Canada had
snow cones
and hot dogs.

(Laughter)

That was the
designated...

My husband and I would have
dinner parties.

And I would always say,

"Tonight we're serving
Canadian food,

"we're eating Italian.

"Tonight we're serving
Canadian food,

we're eating Chinese."

All immigrants
who actually
make that country

so it's a mixture
of a lot of,

uh, you know,

some good
and some bad,
obviously.

Rob: (Narrating)
This kind of national
wishy-washiness

was only raising the volume
on the small voice of doubt

beginning inside me about
proving Canada is not a joke.

Between our vast and varied
native and immigrant population,

how the F do we not have
one famous national dish?

So again, I went to an expert.

Hey, Rob, pleased
to meet you.
How's it going?

Wonderful.
Thank you so much
for taking the time.

My pleasure.
I appreciate it.

I look forward
to it.

Come on back
to my office.
Excellent.

What is Canadian food?

Is there a
Canadian cuisine?

The chefs,
Canadian chefs,
just met recently

for the first congress
of what is Canadian food,

and what it was,
was completely
multicultural,

and let's explore
and be open
to everything.

And that's what
their forgone
conclusion was,

is who knows
what mystery
will come

but there's going to be
something local

from each little area.

But isn't that
sort of,

one of the classic
Canadian moves

is we don't
want to offend
any type of food

so we're being
polite and saying,

"You're all
Canadian food".
(Indistinct)

"Of course green beans
you're Canadian food,"

"Yes, apples,
come on in."

We're this
giant country

with all these great
ingredients available

but we never seem
to have decided on

what Canadian food is.
What's ours...

Like, if I go
around the world
and say,

"Tell me a typical
Canadian meal,"

it would be this.
Basically, right?

Mmm-hm, that's
what they remember.

Well, the maple syrup,
people love

and lets face it,
maple syrup is delicious.
Right.

Absolutely delicious
and it's hard to get
in a lot of places.

So is this,
this is basically
Canadian cuisine?

Right.

Um, well, I really,
really appreciate
your time

and your knowledge.

Cheers.

(Piano music)

I am always going to be
curious about a country

that considers it to be an
appropriate wintertime activity

to take maple syrup,

pour it on snow,

watch it freeze,

break it,

sell it and eat it.

Rob:
If I was to put a glass

of pure maple syrup
in front of you

would you guys
drink it?

(Mixed affirmative comments)
No...

I'm a true Canadian,
I'll do it.

I had some
maple syrup
this morning,

it was delightful.

Rob:
Just straight
maple syrup?

Straight maple syrup.

I drink it
from the bottle.

Rob: (Narrating)
This was very interesting,

if you find a crushing lack
of clarity interesting.

It seemed like Canada claimed
a ton of foods as our own,

but maple syrup kept popping up.

Even on our money.

But I perked up when I heard
that maple syrup

is also responsible for an
exciting recent development

in our previously-assumed
boring history.

Can I get some important music
for this part, please?

You know about
the maple syrup heist?

What was the
maple syrup heist?

Recently these
guys stole...

I did hear something
about this.
Yeah.

They stole like
$80,000 worth
of maple syrup.

Yeah.

Rob: (Narrating)
It was actually
18 million dollars,

and is our Kennedy
assassination conspiracy,

but this was an enigma
wrapped in a riddle

wrapped in something
that dribbles out of a tree.

And it happened
at a super-secret location

deep in the Quebec
countryside.

The United States has Fort Knox.

London has
the World gold reserve.

We have a maple syrup reserve.

In case there's
a worldwide shortage,

Canada stockpiles five years
of emergency syrup.

And just like
those other facilities,

ours also has multiple layers
of deadly, high-tech security.

(Clapping hands)

(Hinges creaking)

Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Man: (Speaking in French)

It's like
"Raiders of
the Lost Ark",

with maple syrup.

(In French)

Rob:
Most people think of Canada,
they think of maple syrup.

Why do you think maple syrup
is so Canadian?

(In French)

One of the darkest days
in Canadian history,

there was a big theft

of millions of dollars
worth of maple syrup.
Yeah, yeah.

So, can you explain
what happened?

(Eerie music)

(Speaking in French)

(Continues in French)

(Speaking French)

Rob: (Narrating)
That may be the craziest
story I've heard

since the doctor found a vagina
on my baby x-rays.

But I still had
more stereotypes to smash

and got back on the road,

with only six days
left until Canada Day.

( ¶¶ )

But in typical Canadian fashion,

moments after I crossed
the provincial border

the weather took a nasty turn.

I'd grown up with this climate,

so it wasn't going
to stop my quest.

And it was certainly not
going to stop hearty locals

from going about
their daily routines.

Like nice strolls
through the park,

people headed to work,

folks visiting
the local gallery,

or shopping
at the local supermarket.

Vive le Canada!
Vive le Canada!
Ouais!

Rob:
Ontario is home to
our nation's capital,

and was the perfect
place for me

to dust off
my old winter skills...

( ¶¶ )

(Mixed grunting, shouting)

Are you all right?
Child:
(Crying)

I'm so sorry.

Rob:
...and get into
my next question.

I marvel in the wintertime

at how the pioneers
could possibly have done it.

Didn't anybody tell them
that they could just turn left

and be in the sunshine?

Just a couple more days
by wagon or canoe

and you're in Phoenix.

You know, we'd
like to be, you know,
culturally sensitive,

but you got to wonder,

what the fuck
were they thinking?

They come across
the land bridge

and there's just ice and snow

and nothing much to eat
except seals.

And they go,
"This is a nice place.

"I know we were
just in Africa,

but this
seems nice."
Right. I'm tired.

Bubbles:
Guys came over,

suffered through
some harsh winters,

got fucking scurvy,
dirty scurvy...

I've had scurvy.

People came out
to the prairies,

they got these land grants.

"Hoo-ha! Here we are,
we're coming from oppression,

"and there they are.
Yeah, there's land, honey,

but there ain't anything else."

And they built these sod huts.

And the women were...
went crazy out of isolation.

Canada was a country created
by a lot of very lonely people

you know, clinging,
you know, very precariously

to their sanity.

(Laughing)
Like, they're a people

who just fucking
gave up too soon.
Right.

Environment Canada has issued
severe weather warnings.

Newcaster:
In Toronto, a sheet of ice
coated the city last night.

Entire streets were turned
into ice rinks.

I was walking maybe
an eighth of a mile

and it was 60 below,
24-hour darkness,

and I was going
to a friend's place.

It was like the coldest
winter since 1928.

I walked out the door
and I puked the whole way.

You know that
you're moving forward,

but you're paralyzed,

but you're like, "My body
is still doing this stuff,

but like, I don't know
how it's doing this."

I've been stranded
many times

in the middle
of nowhere,
Right.

no cell phone
'cause it's frozen,

freezing my butt
off, thinking I
was going to die,

and it's happened
more than at least
three or four times.

Wow.

I must admit,
I did get nostalgic

hearing all these comments.

However, I felt something
alarming inside.

Not gas from the poutine.

It was a bubble of concern

that I was three days
into my trip

and defining what it means
being Canadian,

was a bigger job
than I first suspected.

But if there was anyone
in my homeland

who could give me
a little help,

it was the guy
who runs the place.

So I swung by
the Prime Minister's house,

and was told by his strangely
upbeat security detail

that the PM was out
buying snow tires.

I asked the guards
how they remain so positive

standing in the bitter cold,

and they said everyone
deals with the weather

in their own unique way.

Which was perfect
because it led me perfectly

to my next question.

When you're
stuck inside

six months out
of the year, eh,

you just kind of
go a little crazy.

The cold will do things
to your head.

You will start
to have weird thoughts,

and it depends on how
you harness those thoughts.

And I think a lot of comics

are people that were
very bored in the winter,

who took those thoughts
and went on stage with them.

It's so fucking cold there

that I think that you do have
to think of something.

On your way home
with your tears that are
frozen onto your face

and there's a dead animal
that's strapped around you

and you're only six...
I think that at
some point you go,

"God, there's got to be
something better than this!

"Ooh, I just thought
of something funny.

That'll cheer me up
for a minute."

They say heat
kills comedy, right?

And then, and uh...

There's no heat
in Canada.

There's no heat
in Canada...

Letterman studios
are notoriously
freezing cold,

Well, that's just
because he's trying
to emulate Canada.

Rob:
Right.

It's hard to be serious
with a toque.

Can I get a toque?

I'm serious here.

Even saying that, you know?
Don't...

Don't, don't look at me
like that.

Don't... hey...

hey, don't...

don't look at me like that,

I am serious here.

In Norway and in Sweden,

they have the same
brutal winters we have

and they come up
with death metal.

And in Canada,
we come up with comedy.

Please. Please. Don't...

This is not funny.
This is not funny.

I am being serious.

Rob:
Yes, comedy.

It goes without question
that Canada is home

to some of the greatest
comedic minds of our time.

"SCTV", "Wayne and Shuster",

Jim Carrey,
"Kids in the Hall",

Lorne Michaels, Mike Myers,

Seth Rogen.

I can safely say that,
per capita,

Canada is the largest
supplier of comedy

that has ever lived.
And looking back,

I realize
how my place of birth

may also be responsible
for my chosen career.

So I drove into Toronto,

the mecca of Canadian comedy.

It's where I went to
my very first comedy club,

and may also hold the answer
to another question

people are eternally asking.

I think the average
kid grew up

with a mix of the British
and a mix of the...

of the U.S. to make
an all-rounded view of comedy

and one which stressed satire,
political and social,

and an observant kind of view
of the rest of the world.

You know that's the
thing, we had access
to all this stuff.

And I also think the British
thing was a big piece of it.

Clever guys like Wayne and
Shuster, on Canadian radio,

created a kind of
national sense of humour,

or contributed anyway.

There's a definite preference

for low-status
sort of characters.

I always think of John Candy

or some of Dan Ackroyd's
characters,

or these big, broad,
misbehaving sort of characters,

but they're also likeable,
so that's partly Canadian.

We're pleasant individuals,

so most of our humour
is... non-threatening.

It's funny
without being nasty.

Damn, that's good tag line
right there.

It's not humour at the cost
of other people,

it's humour at the cost
of yourself.

Rob:
Right.

Which is the core
of self-deprecation,

which is my favourite.

Canadians have a much
better sense of humour

about themselves
than Americans,

hands down.

I've gone to
comedy clubs where
people are talking...

you know, Canadian
themed comedy clubs,

where everybody
is talking about
how lame we are,

you know, and how
lame our army is

and how lame our
national symbols are

and that sort of thing.
And it's like, "Wow ."

You really walk
out of there going,
"Wow, we suck."

Every Canadian kind of
has an underdog status.

I think that kind of gives us
our funny edge too,

'cause we're always
looking to see...

You know, we're the underdog
and we're fighting back,

and we want to, you know,
make fun of the big guy.

It's something that
we get to comment on

because we're not in it.

We're... you know,
we're the... outsider.

From a comedian's
point of view,

if you have a touch
of outsider in you,
it's going to help.

That's why Jewish comedians,

Black comedians,
Hispanic comedians,

they have an advantage.
They're a minority,

they're looking at
the country differently;

there's not total acceptance.

If you think
about school yards,

you're either
the handsome one,

the tough one,

or the funny one who's trying
to be funny to stay alive.

We are this group of people

who have been suffering
under the shadow

of this enormous belligerent,
obnoxious neighbour.

And how do we
get back at them?

You know every culture reacts
to another dominant culture

by sending the signal back,

and so the Canadians were
absorbing American television,

American politics,
and so they send it back.

It's like a Canadian sponge

that sops up
all the American paint,

and then throws it back
in our face

and says, "Happy new year."

We have struck back at this
monstrous neighbor of ours

through this kind of covert
hostility: humour.

Rob:
As I continued
my mission west

into Manitoba, Saskatchewan

and the Great Canadian Prairies,

it suddenly dawned on me:

I use that exact same feeling
of being an outsider

as a comedy writer.

Maybe that was
the whole point.

Being misunderstood
the world over

fueled a kind of secret
Canadian super power.

And Canada's comedic greatness

isn't just limited
to TV and movies.

Our special sense of humor

is also woven into the fabric
of our favorite sports.

Don't look so confused,

because I now
present exhibit A:

curling.

Man:
I very frankly wish

we hadn't made
curling so popular,

because if you're Canada

and you're looking for
a little bit more elbow room

on the world stage,

curling is not the
best representation.

For anyone actually.

Rob:
Curling almost embodies
Canada perfectly

because it is cold,
and polite, and boring.

Absolutely.

Curling is symbolic
of Canada

in such an incredible way.

I couldn't agree with
you more. It's perfect.

Rob:
And exhibit B: hockey.

Playing hockey, that is
truly a shared experience

with all Canadians.

Tough and cool.
Look at hockey fighting.

They fight each other,
but they have respect
for each other.

I saw a fight
the other night on CBC,

and the guy was wearing
a visor and he said
to the other guy,

"Hang on, give me a second
so I can take my helmet off."

And he gave him a second,
and then they went into it.

That's fucking awesome.

Rob:
And exhibit C, and
my favorite of all:

The Canadian Football League.

My biggest thrill as a kid

was going to
Calgary Stampeders games
with my dad and brothers,

sitting on the 55 yard line
in the freezing cold.

However, even back then,
I asked...

I'm speaking, of course,
about the Rough Riders,

and the Roughriders.

They even played each other
and no one said anything!

(Laughter)

You know,
that's fantastic.

(Sigh)
So sad.

How did that happen?
I want to know.

Like, really?

As creative a people we are...

we couldn't figure
this one out?

Well, one was
Roughriders and one
was the Rough Riders,

and if you can't
figure that out,

if you can't tell
the difference
between the two,

then there
is something
wrong with you.

It's the Canadian quest
for efficiency.

So... Because
it's the same name

and you can use it
in each conference.

(Laughter)

That, look... I mean,
doesn't that say it all?

I mean, in this kind
of a country,

you can have two teams
with the same name

and people listening
to the game know who
they're talking about.

This is lunacy.

That speaks to our politeness.

That speaks to, you know...

It's like having kids, okay?

Say you had nine kids.

You know, Bobby, Timmy,
Sally, Mike, Phil...

Whatever, you get the idea.

And one of the
other kids says,

"Well, I like his name, Phil.
Why can't I be Phil?"

In America, they go,
"No, because you're Sandy,

you can't be Phil."

In Canada, we go,
"You like 'Phil'?

I want you to be happy.
You're Phil too."

Rob:
So who is responsible
for such madness?

Let's ask this guy.

Ah... you know it's funny,
I mean, this goes back...

So in 1898,
the Ottawa rugby team,

which eventually became
the football club,

was named the Rough Riders.

They played a really
tough, violent game.

and a "Hamilton Spectator"
reporter

ended up calling them
the "Rough Riders".

And then in, like, 1924,

the rugby team in Regina
were named the Roughriders

because the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police had their
training headquarters

right near the rugby field,

and they became
the Roughriders as well.

Those two leagues merged,
then they got two teams.

In such a big country,
I don't think they knew...

You know, it took...
canoe and...

Listen, we spell them
a little bit differently:

one is "Roughriders",
one word,

the other is
"Rough Riders", so...

Rob:
That seems to make sense...

in a Canadian sort of way.

But as Saskatchewan filled
my rear view mirror,

that voice of doubt from
before was getting louder.

I was more than halfway
through my journey

and still didn't feel

like I clearly defined
what it means to be Canadian.

I needed a quick
little pick-me-up,

and knew exactly
what would do the trick.

("Tom Sawyer" by Rush ¶¶)

¶ A modern day warrior ¶

¶ Mean, mean stride ¶

¶ Today's Tom Sawyer ¶

¶ Mean, mean pride ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ Though his mind
is not for rent ¶

¶ Don't put him down
as arrogant ¶

¶ His reserve,
a quiet defense ¶

¶ Riding out the day's events ¶

( ¶¶ )

¶ The river ¶

Man: (On loudspeaker)
...the charge!
(Horn blowing)

(Audience applause)

Rob:
Was that the most bad-ass
thing you've ever seen?

Let me answer for you: yes!

Re-energized, I drove on.

But unlike all of
the amazing places

I'd passed through
on this trip,

this next one
was truly special...

because it was my home.

I love Canada,

but I really love Alberta.

And as I crossed
the provincial border,

that annoying little
voice quieted down,

and I smiled
because a few miles ahead

lay my hometown of Calgary.

(Triumphant ¶¶)

Calgary started out as
a rough and tumble town.

It was one of the RCMP's
most dangerous outposts,

has a cool Old West history,

and is also known as the home

to the world famous
Calgary Stampede,

"the greatest
outdoor show on earth".

Part huge state fair
and part giant rodeo

and part awesome.

It helped put my hometown
on the map.

Calgary's symbol is
a white cowboy hat,

and when important visitors
arrive there,

they get white-hatted,

custom made by Smithbilt.

I always thought
those hats were so cool,

but since I grew up there,
I never qualified.

My dad would bring home
substitute hats for
my brothers and I,

and I'd dream of striding
through the prairie

like a Canadian Clint Eastwood.

Then, in a weird coincidence,

my aunt told me how
my father used to work

as a salesman for Smithbilt
as a young man.

I never knew this.

So I took a shot,

and they said, "Come on over."

Thanks a lot.
No problem.

Brian Hansen.
How's it going?
Rob.

I couldn't believe
I was actually here.

Ooh...

Yeah, exactly.

All right,
so just a warning

to all the ladies
out there: calm down.

(Chuckling)

Oh... You know what,

I think we're going
to have to start
with a smaller one.

Have I ever looked cooler?

There we go.

Rob:
40 years later,

I got to cross one more
thing off my bucket list.

(Western music)

(Coyote howling)

(Whip cracking)

Man:
So Rob, where are we right now?

We are in Haysboro, Calgary,

which is my old neighborhood.

And we are going to the house
that I first grew up in.

I loved this house.

Right down the street

was where my ill-fated
toboggan jump took place.

And it's also where,

as a little boy in
the darkened basement,

I had my first experience
with something...

incredibly strange.

It would happen every night,

and only got worse as
the years progressed.

So, I decided to use
this opportunity

to finally confront
the question:

I used to, you know,
flipping around channels,

would be able to
spot a Canadian show
in a second

just because it wasn't lit well.

Uhh, you know, why don't
they light the person's face?

Every time you watched
a Canadian drama, growing up,

you could always tell it was
Canadian 'cause somebody
forgot to turn the lights on,

and then you realize,
"Oh wait that's
just their lighting."

Larry Henderson...

some guy with a big moustache,

you know, delivering the news.

If he was talking about
a bank robbery downtown,

on the little board
behind his head,

they would have
a line drawing

of a crook with a mask on,

holding a bag with
a money sign on it,

you know, like...

And I'm watching news
on other stations,

you know, out of Buffalo,

and I'm not seeing
this kind of thing

on the broadcast.

Al Waxman was
always the giveaway.

When Al Waxman is the mayor
of your American city,

you know you're
in a Canadian film.

Right. Or Al Waxman is Lincoln.

Ex...
(Laughing)

They don't try to glam it up.

If anything they're
trying to say, "Look,

"we're making this show,
it's not any better than you.

We're not saying that
we're any better than you."

I was so excited about
"The Littlest Hobo".

¶ There's a voice,
keeps on calling me ¶

(Laughing)
No one's ever said that

No.
in the history of man.

That's why I'm recording this.

That's the most original
sentence ever said.

Rob:
And you can't
discuss Canadian TV

without mentioning
its crown jewel,

"The Beachcombers".

I loved "The Beachcombers".
I did too.

I think I had some,
like, sexual attraction
to Bruno Gerussi.

You can't explain
"The Beachcombers".

(Laughter)
It's a state
of mind, man.

How would you pitch me
"The Beachcombers"?

Umm...
(Theme music)

Okay, we've got
an idea for a show.
Okay.

It takes place on
Vancouver Island.
Nice.

You got two rival
beachcombers.

Like an older, Greek man...

...having a mid-life crisis

who collects wood,
from the beach.
(Laugh)

And he's got
a nemesis, named Relic,

that'll do anything to you
to not let you get the logs.

Dave Foley:
But, they still
have lunch together.

At a little place run by
a lovable middle aged lady,

who you can imagine
at some point had
some sexuality.

The nemesis is the,
are the gentle waters

off the coast of
British Columbia.
That's your villain.

Every week there's
a new thing happening.

You never quite know
what's going to happen.

Is it different
logs every week?

Or is it one log in the
course of the series?
There is one problem log.

He's a drifter.

Sold, let's shoot it.

I want to be at that pitch.

That thing ran for 20 years!

20... 22 years!
Yeah.

20 years
"The Beachcombers" was on?

It's our "Gunsmoke".
Yeah, exactly.
Right.

That's perfect.
If you go,

"Would you rather
watch "Gunsmoke" or
"The Beachcombers",

most people would
rather watch "Gunsmoke".
Right.

I would rather
watch "Gunsmoke".
Yeah, me too.

But I used to watch it
religiously.

Rob:
Now, why did you
watch it?

I don't know why.

I think we just
got into the
mode in Canada

where we didn't
even question it.

It's like, "Oh yeah,
it's the 'Beachcombers'.

It's crap and provincial,
but it's on every night."

It's like a bad relationship,
you know, you're drawn to it.

You can't get out
of it sometimes.

Rob:
There was another important
element to Calgary

that affected this film.

Because we had the Stampede,

American relatives
would come visit us

and they would
speak of Canadians

as though we were their pets.

It made me nuts because
I found myself torn

between how
condescending they were

and how I admired America's
genuine awesomeness.

We had the "Beachcombers"
and "The Friendly Giant".

They had
"The Six Million Dollar Man"

and "Starsky and Hutch".

So I need to ask...

A friend of mine used
to describe Canada

as the "Hey, guys, wait up!"
country to the United States.

"Hey, guys, wait up!
What are you doing?"

We've always felt like
America's little brother.

This, like, little brother

who's demanding attention
in his own right.

It's like being at a party

and your friend
tells great stories

and you go, you know,
"I like turkey."

And it's like, "I had
diarrhea once on a plane.

Yeah, really embarrassing,
eh?" Yeah.

Dude, it's, "Marsha,
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

That's what it is growing up
next to the states."

Let's look at the
iconic American motion
picture, "Twins"

with Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Danny Devito.

If they were siamese twins,

that would really be the story
of America and Canada:

you are the Danny Devito

dangling loosely from
Arnold Schwarzenegger's rib.

(Speaking in French)

Rob:
If Canada was
an going to be

a guest on the
"Tonight Show",

how would Carson
bring them out

to get the crowd
excited about Canada?

(Imitating Carson)
Ah, oh yes, that's...

that's right, Canada.
It's just north of here?

I've heard of it.

As a matter of fact, one time,

uh, the US were thinking
of buying Canada

and using it as a parking lot.

I'm yearning for
any acknowledgement
for them.

You're yearning
for acknowledgement for them?

Rob:
From the US.

For Canada? Well that
ain't gonna happen.

The Americans know
absolutely noth...

We're attached.

We're just like...

You can step over the border.

It's the exact same thing.

The thing that really
probably hurt me the most

was realizing how little

people thought
about Canada at all.

You know, like,
most Americans
don't know

that Canada was,
was, uh, fighting
in Afghanistan...

And then I'll talk
with Americans who go,

"Well you guys
never help us out!"

Well, no, we've
been fighting a war

for ten years
with you people.
Uh-huh.

I'd hear my family or friends

say these same things, you know,

"Toronto's got a lot
of great restaurants,

in fact a lot of people
think that Toronto..."

and I'd say, "No, no, no, no,

"nobody's thinking anything.

They haven't mentioned it."

I've been... I can't
think of the last time

I heard somebody mention Canada,

unless they were saying,
"Hey, aren't you Canadian?"

That's it.

They never say, "God you know,
I've really got to get up

"to those restaurants
in Toronto.

Ah man, oh God, what a system
they have up there."

Nobody's saying shit about it,

is the reality.

My American friend went,

"Wow, I didn't know
you guys were so mad at us."

Right?

And I said, "Well, you know,

I bet there's a lot of stuff,"

all indignant,

"that Americans don't
think about Canada."

And then I said, "So, you know,

what do Americans
think about Canada?"

And my American friend went,

"We don't."

I know, growing up in Canada,

we kind of sneered
at the United States,

but we couldn't take
our eyes off it.

Looking over the fence

at what's going on
next door and going,

"Hmm, oh, they think
they're so great,"

you know.

You know, in the
United States,

when the financial
markets crash,

and we don't have
a huge debt anymore,

and we don't have
a huge deficit,

suddenly we get
really, you know,

we get really snotty
about the fact:

"Well look, well
they're not doing
very well, are they?"

It's a bit
disingenuous, you know,

we're not that
charitable towards
the United States.

Right.

It seems to be this
torturous thing,

where we love to be
snotty, like you said.

But you're doing it yourself,
you don't understand,

you're now actually
talking down to me
as an American.

Rob:
Right.

And talking about how you think
the Canadians are superior,

but under the guise of,
"We're really humble."

So I caught you on your bullshit

right to your face
in my fucking mansion.

(Bell ringing)

Rob:
And another issue,
since I'm venting.

Regardless of what
other countries say,

I also believed

Canada was the greatest
country in the world,

but it's hard
to maintain that feeling

when your own people act
as though we're second rate.

So...

I remember being
at a Canadian award show,

and two people,
at different times,

got up and said, "You see,
we're second to none!"

And no one had brought up any,
you just second to whom.

But what is that?

Like, I'm genuinely
asking because...

I don't, I don't
get it myself.

The fear that we
weren't good enough.

Rob:
Right.

The fear even though
we won the war of 1812,

I believe.
Yup.

In 1813, the fear returned.

Rob:
We seem to revel in
our own second placeness.

Woman:
Because you always...

because you've all
been brought up to say
that you were second.

I've heard it
from every Canadian.

Now we've had
that conversation,

and that you guys
are so nationalistic,

but you've always
been told that
you're second,

and you really believe it.

That's my friend
and longtime friend

and my publicist,
Susie Patricola.

(New York accent)
She's from New York.

Rob:
Really?

And everybody in New York
is number one.

And they're told they're
number one since birth,

because its New York.

I was guilty of it myself.

"American Woman" was really
just a song by a Canadian band.

But I remember the first time

that Slash sat in with my band,

and he and I went over the list
of things that he wanted to do,

and you know,
there were classics

by Zeppelin in there and AC/DC,

and he says, "American Woman."

And I said, "Hold it!

You want to do
'American Woman'?"

He says, "Yeah, it's great,

it's one of the
classic guitar riffs,"

and I realized, "Yeah,"
you know, "I guess it is."

But as a Canadian,
I never really thought so,

until Slash, you know,
told me that it was so.

There's a famous story
about, uh, John Candy,

where he was at Toronto Airport,

and a Toronto Airport
Canadian baggage handler

turns to him and says,

"Hey, John Candy,
you're from Toronto right?"

And he goes, "Yeah, I am."

He goes, "Let me
ask you something,

"why is it that when you
Canadian comedians make it big,

you never buy a place
in Toronto?"

And John Candy said,
"What are you talking about,

I have a place in Toronto..."

And the baggage handler goes,

"Oh, I thought you'd
made it big, eh?"

I like "eh" too,
because "eh" is like,

"It's nice out, eh?"

You can't just
say it's nice out.

You have to go, "Am I right?

That's true, isn't it?

It is, it is nice out,
isn't it?"

Rob:
And now that we're
discussing it,

I scanned my memory banks,
to try and dig up

when specifically
I may have first learned
this bizarre behavior.

Then it hit me...

(Music: "O Canada")

If I was designing the flag,

I would make it a little bit
different than this,

but it's an okay flag.

Rob:
How would you redesign it?

Rob's mother:
If it was outlined
in black, for example,

it would just be
much more attractive."

Rob:
So then, by having
that flag all over the world,

and when people
see it around they go,

"Oh, the Canadian flag
equals Canadians

are pasty and boring?"

That would be a connection.

That would definitely
be a connection,

and if the flag was made
much more dynamic,

I think they would see us
also differently.

Now this, I think is attractive.

Rob:
Right.

This thing is done
by a local Aboriginal person,

and the Canadian flag
should be this.

This has got a story to tell,

and this is just ehhh...

It does not represent us,

and I'm going to send a note
to parliament to tell them that.

Rob:
Well, I think we've found
our next Prime Minster.

But all these new revelations
I was having on my trip

were triggering even more
deeply buried issues.

And directly connected
with other problems
I still deal with today.

Like when I describe Calgary
to people from outside Canada,

I usually end up saying,

"It's like a Canadian Denver."

Torontonians
usually have to say,

"We are the New York of Canada."

This always felt
like some sort of

classically Canadian
concession to keep
the conversation going.

So I also wanted to know...

There's a comparative
thing about Canadians.

It's weird like,
even Canadians
will say,

"Oh yeah, I just
got a subscription
to MacLean's Magazine.

It's the Canadian 'Time'."

Yeah.
Or it's the Canadian this.

The Canadian version of...

as if nothing
originated in Canada.

I do it all the time.

And I think it's
a way to explain it

but also to validate it,
to make it seem important,

which I think is hilarious,

because MacLean's Magazine
is important.

MacLean's on its own
is a great magazine.
Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't need to be
"the Canadian..."

I believe it's won
the Canadian Pulitzer.

Well, Canadian
congratulations.
(Laughing)

Yeah I guess we could
just be like,

"It's the Canadian
music awards,"

but then we'd always
have to throw in

"like the Grammy's."

I guess we just feel inadequate.

I think that what happens is,
because we're so close,

we get everything
that they have.

But, they don't get
anything that we have.

You know about the contest
MacLean's had years ago?

Right.
Where they had,
there was the sentence,

"As American as apple pie,"

and then they asked
Canadians to finish,

"As Canadian as..."
Do you know that contest?
Right. Right, yes.

So the winning entry was
"As Canadian as possible...

under the circumstances."
"Under the circumstances, "

yeah, which is
a great line.
Yeah.

Yeah, and it's...

But imagine we would
have that contest...

Yes.
And no one
could win it.

Yeah I never liked
"Canada's answer to..."

Because nobody's asking.

We can't say what it
means to be a Canadian.

All we can say is
we're not American.

We actually define
ourselves by saying,

"We're not
something else,"

which is sick.

I mean America has,
you know, mom, the flag,
and apple pie.

And what do we have?

"We're not like Americans."

Rob:
Just thinking about
this instinctive urge

made me crazy.

We were just as good,
if not better,

than the next guy, right?

Right?

(Weakly)
Right?

So once again,
I sought professional advice.

But this time,
I didn't go as me.

I went representing
all of Canada.

¶ If you could read
my mind, love ¶

¶ What a tale
my thoughts could tell ¶

Marsha, thank
you so much

for taking the time
to see me today.

I really, really
appreciate it.

It's my pleasure...

Uh, if you can,

just a quick
description of yourself

and your qualifications.

I'm a psychotherapist.

I basically work
with individuals

and also do quite
a bit of couple
counseling.

That is perfect,
because my parents
are British and French.

Yeah.

Who got together
in sort of awkward
circumstances,

just to be polite,

and live next door
to this neighbour

that has this
amazing house

and seems to have
parties all the time.

So that doesn't sound

like it was the
healthiest beginning,
emotionally,

for me as a
young country.

Well, I mean,
if your parents

are Britain and France,

they couldn't
live together,

and they got a divorce.

The second thing is,

because there's a lot
of repression,

you have a lot of individuals

not feeling that great
about themselves.

I definitely feel inferior.

If I started
to see you regularly,

what help might
you give me to
get over that?

I don't know what,
other to say than
you can't be happy,

Canada, if you keep
on describing yourself

in relation to anything.

You have to become
an entity,

define yourself.

But what is it?

We are a country
that is great.

Why don't we realize that

and have a little
more acceptance
about ourselves?

What is your opinion
on that situation?

Which situation?

The one we just discussed
about, you know,

Canada's
comparative habit.

I can think of another
question if it makes...

it's very tense
in here right now.

I thought I was
going to feel better
when I came here,

but I actually
want to gently
open this window

and apologize
and then jump
and apologize.

Then I've done
my job well.

I know all patient/doctor
conversations are supposed
to remain private,

but those realizations
really bummed me out.

And even scarier,
Canada Day was looming.

I needed to get going,
but before I did...

I had an old score to settle.

(Music)

Ye-e-e-e-es!

Fuck you, Macklamore!

I'm back,

and I'm directing
a movie, bitch!

Dumb vengeance is mine!

But I couldn't
savour it too long,

as I only had only one day left
to get to Vancouver,

and get some sort of
clear conclusion about my quest.

So reluctantly, I left Calgary.

(Music on radio)

And as I drove along
the TransCanada highway
towards the Rockies,

the quiet of the road
allowed me to...

feel terrible.

I still didn't have
a definitive answer

on what it means to be Canadian.

If I hadn't come
close to it now,

after crossing
the entire country,

would I ever?

And then, adding maple frosting
to my crap cake,

as I passed through
Banff National Park

and began climbing the mountains

towards the Alberta,
British Columbia border...

a storm hit.

(Thunder clap)

It got bad fast,

and the narrow mountain highway
was closed down.

I pulled off into a tiny town

and realized I may
not have only blown
finding an answer,...

I may not even be able
to make my simpler goal

of getting to Vancouver.

(Music)

So while the skies
drowned my hopes,

I went to drown my sorrows.

I was so sad.

I was sad about leaving Calgary.

I was sad about all
the time and effort

that I had put into this film.

And I was really sad
I had to listen

to the bar's musician
sing about his divorce.

Off key.

My trip had started
with such promise.

I had so many
amazing experiences.

But as I ordered another round,

and my brain got foggier,

I knew that to save this
movie, and my quest,

it would take
something truly great.

(Echoing)
Great, great...

(Static)

(Squeaking)

Hello, Rob.

Yes, it's me.

The Great One.

How's it going?

You can't give up.

Not now, when
you're so close.

Just get to Vancouver,
for it is there

you'll get the final
answers you need.

Trust me on this.

Believe in your quest,
and believe in Canada.

Got to skate!

And then, like a maple miracle,

(Squeaking)
the storm stopped.

And the roads were back open.

I may still make it
for Canada Day!

And as I headed down
into British Columbia,

I realized I wasn't
the only one.

Being Canadian, wooo!

Fucking Canada!
(mixed cheering)

Rob:
A bunch of my other
fellow Canadians

were headed to Vancouver
to celebrate,

and their enthusiasm
gave me a final boost

to say clock be damned.
(Honking)

I may still be able
to get the answer to my quest.

But with only 13 hours
left until midnight,

it was going to be tight.

(Music)

I blasted into Canada Place,

where the Canada Day celebration
had already began.

(Crowd cheers)

I was greeted by a huge,
patriotic crowd,

some in both complimentary
and non-complimentary outfits.

Getting desperate,

I went looking
for final inspiration

on what it means
to be Canadian

in the main convention center.

I browsed the invention zone,

proudly listing all
our amazing contributions.

Like the paint roller,

the McIntosh apple,

the light bulb,

the telephone,

and of course....

The Canadarm.

A choir politely
rocked the crowd

with an upbeat version
of our anthem.

The crowd went politely crazy.

There was an amazing
swearing in ceremony

for a room full of excited
new Canadian citizens.

Who got a lot more excited
when they saw their first
official Canadian cake.

Obviously cut by a Mountie.

But as touching and cool
as this was,

it didn't squash the panic
building inside me

as the hall shut down
for the evening,

and the sun began to set.

The only place I had left to go

was the Canada Day
parade downtown,

so I raced off.

Unfortunately, by the time
we made it there,

it had already started,
and we scrambled to set up.

The last time I was
at this parade

was as a little kid,
decades ago,

and just like me,
it was a lot smaller then.

And was also afraid of girls.

But, thankfully, it still
had that home-town feel,

and I was delighted by all
of its classic trappings:

Marching bands, pageant winners,

people in colourful
and exotic costumes...

and even some old
childhood friends.

I even spotted some
of my new friends.

The excitement over
my country's birthday

was palpable
from the huge mixed crowd...

Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!

But through my delight,

a sad realization
was beginning to wash over me.

Dusk was fast approaching,
and I started to worry

this whole trip hadn't
been worth the hassle.

I was getting on a plane
back to L.A. the next morning

and still didn't have
a clear, simple answer

that could explain
my beloved home

to an ignorant
and indifferent world.

I was really bummed

and took a seat
amongst the revelers

to let the reality
of my failed quest sink in.

But even that wasn't working,

because there was so much noise.

I couldn't concentrate

surrounded by the wild
rambunctious crowd.

So I got up to leave...

and then it hit me.

The last time
I was at this parade,

people were never
this excited about it.

I don't know what happened,

but while I was living
in the states,

my fellow Canadians
seemed to have found

an amazing new level
of public national enthusiasm.

And maybe it was right
in front of me the entire trip,

but was my old way
of looking at Canada

what kept me from noticing it?

Watching everyone around me now,

I couldn't help being
overwhelmed

with my own brand new,
very powerful sense of pride.

The reason I'm
doing this right now

is because you said
that it's done by Canadians,

it's about Canada,
and I'm proud to be part of it.

I got a star
on the Canadian walk of fame.

And I had a line
in my speech which was,

"I'm an actor, I'm a writer,

"I'm a producer, and a comedian,

"but no description of me
would be complete

without mentioning
that I'm also Canadian."

The stars that I know
that live here,

in a minute,
they would go back to Canada

and do, mostly,

sometimes to live for their
summer homes, to perform.

They always like
to go back home.

They never want to lose

the part of Canada
that's in there.

Myself included.

I would never want
to not be a Canadian.

You're always Canadian.

And it's something that
I think we're proud of,

as much as we don't
understand it.

You know we'll
always have a love

in our hearts for Canada.

You will satirize Canada
and talk about the "sorry"

and the niceness
and how lame it is
in a lot of ways,

but with great affection,

and it's a connection
that we all have.

I think that Canada has kind
of grown into it's own

in the last few years.

Being able to walk
down the street

dressed like this
and not have my ass kicked.

(Speaking in French)

We appreciate our own coolness

and the fact that we are
kind of under the radar

and that we are more subtle.

I tell you something,

a lot of Canadian people
didn't know what they have,

you have gold in your hand.

I think Canadians are waking up

to the fact that this is
about the best place
in the world to live.

I think that people
kind of know that now,

it's like the secret's out.

Rob:
Incredible.

And they were all right.

This movie shouldn't try
to show what it means
being Canadian.

It should show people
what it means

being Canadian today.

Wait a second,

that was the answer
I'd been searching for.

And for the first time
in my life,

the solution to my problem
became crystal clear.

I was wasting my time
getting angry

trying to get the world's
approval or recognition.

Because today's Canada
doesn't need it.

I shouldn't feel
sad that I left

or mad that non-Canadians
are ignorant about us,

because regardless
of where we go

or who we meet,

we will always be
as cool as the ice

they think
we skate to work on.

And after all this,

if someone still can't
appreciate our special quirks,

that's their loss, not mine.

And just like that,
a huge igloo-shaped weight

melted off my shoulders

and not with a second to spare.

(Bell tolling)

Mission accomplished!

But even though it was late,

and I was exhausted
from my trip,

this was a moment
for celebration,

so I raced back to join up
with my partying countrymen.

(Mixed cheering)

Unfortunately,

I may have celebrated
a little too hard.

I don't remember much,

except that
I missed my flight,

everything tasted like maple,

and I needed to come back
to Vancouver in a month

to explain a 500 dollar summons
for public drunkeness.

Sorry.

Rob:
Best Canada Day ever.

¶ I want to take you
to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ I want to take you
to a place ¶

¶ I want to take you to Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ I want to take you
to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ I want to take you
to a place I know ¶

¶ A place that's called Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ Sitting all alone
and all I know ¶

¶ Is that I want
to go to Canada ¶

¶ Sitting all alone,
pick up the phone ¶

¶ And call Ramone
and go to Canada ¶

¶ Whoa-whoa-oh ¶

¶ British Colombia ¶

¶ Alberta ¶

¶ Saskatchewan ¶

¶ Manitoba ¶

¶ Ontario ¶

¶ Quebec ¶

¶ New Brunswick ¶

¶ And Nova Scotia ¶

¶ P.E.I. ¶

¶ And Newfoundland
too ¶

¶ And don't forget
the territories ¶

¶ Nunavut ¶

¶ Oh, Northwest
Territories ¶

Rob:
Yes.

¶ The Yukon ¶

¶ And Nunavut too ¶

¶ That's Canada ¶

¶ We are Canadian ¶

So, if the Canadian National
Anthem was left up to me,

I think it would go
a little something like this:

(Rhythmic record scratching)

(Remixed "O Canada")

(Music)

(Music)

And then.

I might go...

Something like this...

(Scratching)

("Everybody's Working
for the Weekend" by Loverboy)

Yeah, baby!

Loverboy!

(Music)

("O Canada")