All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e08 Thanksgiving.eng

I love traditional
Thanksgiving.

Family, food,
and canoeing down

a mashed potato mountain
and gravy rapids.

Thanksgiving, tonight,
on a very special

"At Home With
Amy Sedaris".

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

?

?

You know what my favorite
holiday is?

Christmas.
Then probably Easter.

But of all the turkey themed
holidays, it's still Christmas.

But right after turkey burgers
on the grill

for the Fourth of July,
it's Thanksgiving.

Who can forget that moving
tale of the first thanksgiving?

The young pilgrim couple
with child,

searching for a place to stay,

only to be turned away
from the Inn at Plymouth Rock,

but eventually coming upon
an Indian tribe

called the "La Quinta".

Sadly, they had
little food to offer

but for a few loaves of bread.

Fortunately, the couple's child
performed a miracle,

turning the loaves into turkey

for the whole tribe
to feast upon,

and three days later the turkeys
rose again as leftovers,

and that's why turkeys
are God's promise

that Americans
will never go hungry again.

Today, we are going to prepare a
traditional Thanksgiving dinner

with all the trimmings for
a special group of friends.

I will show you how to cook
a turkey, carve it,

and present it
as part of a festive table.

You're not gonna like me today!

Hi, Patty.

My next door neighbor,
Patty Hogg.

(applause)

Amy Lou, could you be the good
neighbor that I know you are

and bake those pies
in your oven for me today?

That's a lot to ask, Patty,
on Thanksgiving.

Why don't you use
your own oven?

I don't like to use the oven

when Leslie's working
on his jigsaw puzzle.

The heat dries out the house
and it warps all the pieces.

I can't wait to see it--
it's the "USS Minotaur"!

Twenty five thousand pieces all
in nondescript battleship gray.

He started working on it
on our wedding night.

He always seems
to have a breakthrough

when I'm feeling frisky.
Ha-ha!

-I'm his muse.
-Patty, I'm about to cook

an entire Thanksgiving dinner
in that oven.

You mean you haven't
started yet?

We eat in 11 minutes.

You better cook
that turkey in a kiln.

Now, I'm gonna leave those
precious pies with you.

Don't overbake 'em.
I don't like the edges crispy.

That happens to be a pattern
of yours, Amy Lou.

Gotta go!
(applause)

When cooking a turkey we are
all after the same thing--

a tender bird.

But no one can seem to agree
on how to achieve it.

Well, as it turns out, in order
to ensure a juicy turkey,

it doesn't really
matter how you prepare it

but "how you prepare it".

Please welcome to the show
noted game bird masseuse,

Darlene Cornish from Asheville,
North Carolina.

Welcome, Darlene!

Oh, hi! Namaste.

-Nice to see you.
-Oh, thank you, Amy, thank you.

So, Darlene, why don't you
take us through your process?

Okay. Um, Amy, I grew up on
a farm, and as an animal lover,

I noticed something pretty
significant, um,

animals seem tense right before
we chop off their heads.

So, I developed this technique

to work some of that tension out
before roasting.

I think you can really
taste the difference,

I think that's what matters.

Don't just tease us,
show us!

Okay, first I'd like
to set the scene.

Let's lower the lights
a little bit.

Buckles?

And then we're gonna
add a little music

just to relax everybody,
I just set the stage.

I love this player because
it fits in my purse so well.

(soft music playing)

-Oh. It's nice.
-There we go.

Next I'm going to...
moisten my hands.

And I like to use
unsalted butter.

Oh, is there a reason for that?

I have very high cholesterol
in my hands.

Well, that makes sense.

And I have asthma in my feet,
but that's for another day.

Fascinating,
you're all lubed up there.

Let's go ahead and give Tom
some privacy.

Tom, I'm going to lift you,
I want you to let everything go.

Okay, I've got you, bring you to
the pan, okay, Amy, thank you.

And down,
and if you can help me out here

by holding a modesty towel
for Tom,

give him a little privacy
while I undress him.

Not looking,
we're all professionals here.

(inhales deeply)
Okay.

Now, I like to start
at what would have once been

the base of the skull.

-Oh.
-Good.

And I'm going to
work my way down,

giving special attention to
the latissimus dorsi region.

-Okay.
-Okay, now,

push... and fan.

Push and fan.

Good. We're gonna work
the mid-wing joint-- nice--

through the forequarter section,
we're gonna knead

these nice, juicy thighs.

Let it go, Tom.

And then we're gonna
knead the breast.

Of course, we're always
looking for knots or buckshot.

Either one.

Is that...

That was a mean knot,
wow, I know that felt good.

All right, there we go, friend.

Doesn't this turkey
look more relaxed?

-He looks practically asleep.
-Yeah.

And more importantly,
he's full of juice.

Okay. Darlene, thank you
so much for coming on.

Darlene Cornish!

Now, let's get this turkey
stuffed and into the oven.

Now, I'm often asked, Amy, why
don't we ever see you in pants?

I'm going to go ahead and just
use this to get out.

Sure. Okay.
Watch the steering wheel.

And after that I'm asked,
how much stuffing should I cook?

Well, I have a simple
rule of thumb.

One fist per person, unless, of
course, you're missing a thumb,

and then it's one
and two-thirds fist.

So let's just figure this out.

For my dinner tonight, including
me, I have six guests,

and you always want
to make a little extra,

so that would be eight fist.

Now, we'll just measure
the turkey's cavity

to make sure
we have enough hole.

Let's see. Okay...

(squishing)
...four, that's three.

Okay.

That adds up to five fists.

Wait a minute-- oh, no!

I'm three fists short!

Thanksgiving is ruined!

Or is it?

I believe the good folks
at Fiddleneck Foods

might just have the answer.

(laughing)

Do they have cranberries
where you're from?

Oh, boy, here we go.

You'd better fill up
on the mashed potatoes,

because I have a feeling

there's gonna be a stuffing
shortage again.

I made as much as I could.

Yeah, well, I knew I should have
had more stuffing at the office.

They have an office party every
year around this time.

Sorry, she'll be right back.

I don't know what he wants
from me, Mrs. Bjornson!

I filled that
turkey cavity to the brim.

(Norwegian accent)
Sounds like you need

a bigger hole.

What?

Have you heard about
the Turkey Gouge?

Turkey Gouge?

(harp glissando)

There's no better method
to increase

your cavity to turkey ratio
than with the Turkey Gouge.

How does it work?

(Mrs. Bjornson)
Simply apply the high-grade

aluminum boring implement into
the turkey's cavity and crank!

Before you even know it,

you'll have a 24-pound turkey
cavity in a 16-pound bird.

Here, child, you take this.

It'll be our little secret.

More stuffing, sweetheart?

I've had
three helpings already.

You know what?

I think I'll take some of that
stuffing into the office.

(announcer)
Fiddleneck Foods Turkey Gouge--

for those special occasions
when you need more hole.

Ask for it by name, so people
know what you're talking about.

(turkey)
Can't wait to be reamed! Ha-ha!

Oh, hello.

While you were away
I roasted our turkey

and had some dental work done.
(ding)

Once you have a prepared turkey
it's time to carve it.

I have a very easy system--
I have someone else do it.

Here to show you
how to carve a turkey,

local knife man,
Tony Pugnalata!

-Welcome, Tony
-Thanks, Amy.

-And happy Thanksgiving.
-Thank you, you too.

-You look lovely.
-Thank you.

Now, being a knife man,

I have to assume
that Thanksgiving must be

the busiest time of year.

Actually, it's, uh,
St. Patrick's Day.

Once you put a couple of beers
in those people,

the knives really come out.

Oh, well, that sounds fun.
So, Tony, take it away.

Okay, I will.

Now, when you're carving
a turkey

there are
three possible outcomes.

You go down, you both go down,

or you have a platter
of delicious sliced meat.

Now, before we get started,
just a quick note.

If you purchased a turkey with
the head still on, remember,

just like a rattlesnake,
even after the head

has been separated from
the torso, it is still a threat.

Never let your guard down.

Well, that's surprising.
I didn't know a turkey,

even with it's head on,
was still a threat.

-Read your history books, Amy.
-Oh!

When the British
first settled the colonies

it was not uncommon
for a single wild turkey

to take down an entire
pack of pilgrims.

Well, that doesn't seem
like a culinary knife.

What kind of knife
are you using, Tony?

The kind with
the serial numbers filed off.

I like to call her
Daddy's Girl.

Um, all right,
when I carve a turkey

I always use a knife
with a thumb grip,

it prevents the knife from
sliding up on ya during a jab.

I keep my knife arm
extended away from the body

so I have at least three feet
of protective range.

This... is reaction time.

I keep my other hand
covering my neck

to protect the vital arteries.

Then, in a quick lunge...

-I go in for a kill strike!
-Oh, my goodness,

you did that.

Yeah, yeah, when you do that
right there, now.

Hitting the legs first
has two benefits.

It opens a path to the--
uh, to the breast,

and also guarantees that
your turkey is immobilized.

Wouldn't roasting it
for nine hours

pretty much guarantee
it's immobilized?

Yeah,
it's playing possum, Amy.

They are known for.

All right, then,
before I move into the breast

I like to isolate the wings.

Block and trap a wing and in
a stabby, pointy motion

get it pointy in there,
get it pointy--

and in it goes, in it goes.

It goes in.

And...
(grunting)

This one fights.

The power of flight is no longer
available to him,

but he doesn't know that yet,
you know,

like when you step on a spider
and it doesn't know it's dead.

Okay, sometimes...
(bones cracking)

That's one of the things
about undercooking,

the tendons stay, stay strong.

There you go, now you can
get that isolated like that,

off it comes, it's so simple.

All right...
(bones cracking)

Get right in there.

Yeah, this is not
for the faint...

(Amy gagging)
...of heart, there you go.

Both wings are off,
there you go...

-A beautiful display...
-There we go, now...

Look at that.

That's a beautiful... beautiful
underbelly's exposed,

all that's left to do
is march right in there...

pounce,
and remove that breast.

You pounce more?
I mean, this is probably enough.

Nope! You want to create
maximum slabs,

so what you're gonna
want to do is... stab!

And pull back.
Stab! And pull back.

Stab! And pull back,
and there you go,

that's pretty much
all there is to it.

Wow, I'm just exhausted.

Thank you, Tony, and, uh,
that's really a beautiful,

incredible job and, um,

I believe I'm going to be
seeing you for dinner.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.

-That's really great.
-And just hang out?

Yeah. When we return,
my guests arrive

for a special holiday
Thanksgiving feast.

?

My dinner is prepared,
my table is set,

I have on my eatin' dress,
all I need now are my guests.

(doorbell rings)
Well, I wonder who that can be?

-Hello!
-Why, it's everybody!

Come on in!

(Patty sniffing)
It's so good to see you all.

Hi, there, Patty,
where's Leslie?

I am runnin' loose tonight!
Ha-ha!

Thanks for the warning.

Chassie,
that dress is beautiful on you.

You know,
I have one just like it.

Chassie!

Sorry, I just didn't have
anything nice to wear

that I was willing
to spill on.

It's okay,
it's so big on me anyway.

And at least you brought
a covered dish.

It's actually to take
leftovers home in.

You all know Winifred Snood,
our town librarian.

Our library
contains over 37 books

on the ecological niches of
the red legged thrush alone.

Oh, fun!

-I didn't know we had a library.
-Oh, I've been there many times,

to use the bathroom--
destroyed it.

(chuckling)
Tony. All right, everyone,

why don't you have a seat?

I'd love to talk to you about
renewing my library card.

(loud clinking)

Before we dig in, I would like
to say a few words.

(all sighing deeply)

All right.

Now, on this thankful
time of year

I would like to say
you're welcome.

Thanksgiving has always
been very special to me

as a dry run to Christmas.

But I'm glad you're all here,
and I surely hope

that you enjoy this meal.

Now, to take us through
our holiday feast,

please welcome local Research
Triangle Park announcer,

Chad Chutney--
get out here, Chad!

(applause)

(deep announcer voice)
Thank you, thank you.

We have...

a shiatsu and sage roasted
Tom turkey,

buttermilk mashed potatoes,

corn bread stuffing,

skewered,
singed green beans,

and a boozy bourbon
cranberry sauce.

Oh...
(applause)

Thank you so much,
Chad Chutney.

-Wow.
-My pleasure.

Say, since I'm here,
maybe I could...

stick around for dinner.

I'm sorry, all we have
is enough stuffing.

I hope you choke on it.

Tony, do you want
to get things started?

Perhaps before we eat
we can go around the table

and express what
we're grateful for.

Why don't we just
keep that to ourselves?

Now, Tony, do the honors,
please?

(gobbling, thud on window)

(all gasping)

That large turkey flew
straight into my window!

That's not just any turkey,
that's a speckled waddle.

W-why would it do that?

It must have been lost.

Unlikely.

Typically, the speckled waddle
is a keen navigator.

If it hits your window,
it was aiming for it.

Then it was insane.

(gobble, loud thud)
Ooh!

What is happening?

Maybe it was a murder-suicide,
a lovers' quarrel,

it happens all the time.

They must not have seen
the window.

Are you kidding me?
Those windows are filthy.

This was no accident.

Those birds knew
what they wanted,

and what they wanted
was in here!

The beans?

(gobbling)

There's one sitting
in front of the fireplace.

Well, I didn't invite it.

(wings flapping)

They're coming in
through the chimney!

(shouting)
Oh, block it!

Turn the ceiling fans on!

They're everywhere!

(all shouting)

(dramatic music)

No! The floors! The carpet!

Oh, dear.

Bring in a beehive!

We'll kill them with bees!

Amy Lou,
block that chimney!

Chassie, help me get the--

(gobbling and screaming)
...put it in front of it!

Push it! Get it up!

They will follow
the dominant bird.

Find the leader!

Dominant bird!?

How the hell are we supposed
to find the dominant bird!?

God help us!

It's there!
It's over there!

There he is!

(gobbling and screaming)

(dramatic music)

(thud)
(gobbling)

(panting)
Go, go...

It's working!

Oh, it's like
they wanted to kill us!

Oh, my God, they pecked
her eyes out!

(dramatic music)

(Amy)
Oh, Patty!

Wh-what? What's happening?
What's happening?

-Your eyes!
-Oh, I know, they're puffy,

so I applied these beet disks
to reduce the swelling.

Oh, don't worry, Patty,
we're going to get through this.

Oh, they're not swelling
because of the turkey attack,

they're swelling because you put
too much salt in those potatoes.

You're supposed to season
the potatoes with salt,

not melt ice
in the driveway.

Okay.

(gobbling and wings fluttering)

They're swarming.

Why don't we just stab them all?

There are over five
species of wild turkeys.

Besides their numbers,
the wild turkey,

or MeleagrisGallopavo,
was heavily muscled

and could grow to be
four feet tall.

It could be like fighting
an enraged female gymnast

if they had a sharp beak and
the intellect of a celery stalk.

They're gearing up
for another attack.

We have to do something.

There's very little
we can do now.

You see, when the settlers
first came to the new world,

they thoughtlessly encroached
on the wild turkey's habitat.

Things got worse when
the settlers decided

that the turkey would
make a popular lunch meat.

It turns out the bird's worst
crime was that it was delicious!

Today only one thing
keeps the modern turkey

from exacting revenge.

-Bear traps!
-Hot glue.

-Lack of thumbs?
-Uh, uh, pass.

It's the freezer.

Nowadays the turkeys we eat
are killed on farms

where there are no witnesses.

Then after they are killed
they are flash frozen.

By the time the turkey
is thawed and cooked,

the murder trail has gone cold.

Amy Lou, where did you
get that turkey?

I sent Chassie out to the local
Hammily Wagilies to buy it.

Chassie, you did get it
from the frozen case

in the poultry section,
correct?

Funny story, actually.

I lost the money you gave me
for the turkey when I spent it.

-Chassie!
-Hear me out,

on narc-- essities.

Chassie Lou,
where did you get the turkey?

So I had a few too many
necessities

which made my driving erratic,

and I took a wrong turn
into this wildlife preserve.

Suddenly I lost control
and I hit something

and I was sure I killed it.

At first I thought it was human,
so naturally I kept going.

But then I realized
it was a turkey,

so problem solved.

Everything worked out
for the best.

Oh, by the way,
your car's in a ditch.

You brought a fresh turkey
into this house?

Someone tell me
I didn't hear that.

You've just signed our
death warrant.

You brought this
into this house.

It came with you, you're
the cause of all of this.

I didn't do anything wrong,

aside from stealing money,
getting high,

and wrecking her car.

What's the big deal?
It's a fresh turkey.

Now they have someone to blame.

It's her they want!
I say we give her to them.

We just have to stick together,

I'm sure we can come up
with something.

There might be one way out.

-Nail gun.
-A burlap sack filled with rocks

then drowned in the river.
-Blackmail?

Uh, uh... pass again.

No, no, no, listen.

Perhaps if we could convince
these marauding turkeys

that their brethren was unharmed
and we give him back,

they might let us be.

Maybe they won't notice
the missing head

or the butter baste.

Ooh, and we can slice open
this pillow

and glue the feathers on him.

And I just happen to have...

this box of bird beaks.
(clattering in box)

Oh, but the turkey's
missing a leg.

Tony!

What? I'm starving.

You expect me to eat
those salty potatoes?

That was our last hope,
we're doomed.

No we're not.

Let's remember
that I'm a crafter,

and I can make a realistic
turkey from scratch.

Godspeed, Amy Sedaris.

All hope rests on your sloping
champagne shoulders.

Hey, if you're gonna
make a fake turkey,

can I just finish
this real one?

-Knock yourself out, Tony.
-Right on.

?

Hello, and welcome to
an emergency session

of Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

I'm tasked with perhaps the most
important craft of my life!

A festive, yet life-saving
Thanksgiving turkey.

(groaning)

Okay, feathers.

(industrious music)

How many legs does
a turkey have?

-Damn it, woman.
-I'm going as fast as I can!

Oh, Amy.

I pray to God
I haven't let you down.

Amazing.

My mouth is watering
just looking at it.

Good God, I can't
tell the difference.

Let's just hope the turkeys
can't either.

(turkeys gobbling outside)

It's do or die time.

Okay, here's the plan.

I'm going to open the door,

you all are going to
distract the turkeys,

and I'm going to leave this
outside, got it?

Copy that.

Ready?

(dramatic music)

(Amy screaming)

(dramatic music)

What the fuck?

I thought you were supposed
to be distracting them!

(all)
You were talking to us?

Who the hell do you think
I was talking to?

This is the last time I count
on you for anything!

How can I even say
you're my friends?

Look at me!

Look! It's working!

They're leaving,
the turkeys are leaving.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

It's a miracle.

Oh, look!

What?

(loud clinking)

I'd like to make
another toast.

-Hear, hear.
-Go ahead, Amy Lou.

A few moments ago I thought I'd
never speak to you people again,

and after some reflection
and a few glasses of wine,

I realize on this day
of thanks

that even though
we've had our ups and downs,

I still have gratitude that
you people are my friends.

You see, friendship is
about giving and receiving,

and when it comes down to it,

I wouldn't trade you people
for anything in the world.

Not for anything.

Imagine how salty
the potatoes are now.

So here's to you, my friends.

?

(glasses clinking)

Hello.
This is Hits and Misses,

where I point out what went
right and what went wrong.

First, hits.

Good friends, fine foods,
an extra hole.

Misses-- salty potatoes,
the turkey plague,

and a pretty rough case
of avian bird flu.

I must say I've learned
my lesson-- no more turkey.

This Christmas
I'll be serving ham.

Good night.

?

(Amy sighing)

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