All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e06 Halloween.eng

(suspenseful music)

Oh, hello.

It's almost time
for the show to start.

I'm a little late,
so I'm taking a shortcut

through the old,
forgotten cemetery.

(xylophone playing)

That's strange.

(xylophone playing scale)

That's odd and strange.

(upbeat music)

? We're bones, we're bones,
singin' bones ?

-? I'm tenor
-? I'm bass

? I'm baritone

? Clickety-clackety,
dry as stone ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

? Singin' and dancin'
skeletons ?

? Swingin' femurs and
shakin' shins ?

? I can boil you down to make
gelatin ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

(music stops)

I mean, not that I would,
it's just...

Five, six, seven, eight!

? Scapula, clavicle,
mandible ?

? Humorous, radius, carpal

? Tibia, fibula,
metatarsal ?

? Singin' the skeleton song

? Sell you at a pet shop as a
dog chew ?

? Hollow you out to make a
ka-zoo ?

? Use you in a ritual
voo-doo ?

? Once people
and now just things ?

(music stops, Amy screaming)

?

?

Tonight we're celebrating
Halloween,

also known as Scary Christmas.

I'll be creating a Halloween
menu of fanciful costumes,

spooky decorations,
and a deliciously

spine-chilling feast.

Monster mashed sweet potatoes,
brown gra... vy.

Pasta Fa-ghoul.

And as always, my regionally
renowned, scary feet loaf.

My foot-shaped meatloaf is a
personal Halloween tradition.

I make it every year, do a show,

and then stay in
and watch a scary movie.

This year is footage of my
nephew's French horn recital.

To tell us more about
Halloween traditions,

legends and lore here in
the Research Triangle Area,

I've invited our town historian,
Edwin Chuzzlewit.

(applause)

-Welcome, Edwin.
-Happy Halloween.

(chuckling)
Happy Halloween to you.

So, tell us please, Edwin,
how do you know

such gosh darn much about
the Research Triangle Area?

Well, I've spent a lot of time
at the local library.

I've read all of the pamphlets
at the tourist kiosk.

I have some
unorthodox methods.

Such as?

Well, I woo elderly widows.

You would be amazed at the
stories that they have to tell.

Speaking of,
are you available?

Oh, well, I'm not elderly
or a widow.

My mistake.

Here is a written apology.

Oh. Oh, well,
I'll read it another time.

- Sure, any time.
- Yeah, sure.

Thank you so much, so what can
you tell us about

the history of Halloween here
in the Research Triangle?

-Well, Edith--
-Edith?

One of my elderly
widow confidants,

she tells me that many years
ago, before the children

would go out
trick or treating,

they would all gather together
in the local square.

-Oh, for a parade?
-Kind of.

Dressed as scarecrows,

they would spill out into the
woods and throw rocks at ravens.

"Raven," of course,
was slang for homosexuals.

Oh, well, it sounds like fun!

And did you know that there is
a lot of Halloween history

right in this very house?

-No!
-Mm-hmm.

According to Beatrice,
an energetic octogenarian,

one Halloween, many years ago,

the host of a previous
hospitality show... died

on this very set.

-What?
-Some believe it was murder,

others say homicide--
all we know for sure

is that she was killed.

Well, that's terrible!
Did she live?

Not according to her autopsy.

-Well, what happened?
-I said too much.

Okay, fair enough.

-Edwin Chuzz--
-If you must know,

it was a night much
like this one.

(vocalizing thunder)

Did you just make a thunder
sound with your mouth?

I did-- I do all of my own
sound effects.

(whispering)
The widows really enjoy it.

Oh.
(Edwin shrieking)

-A creaky door?
-No.

-Okay.
-Guess again-- ready?

(shrieking)

A mouse caught in a trap?

No, really close, hear it, hear
it this time-- ready?

(shrieking)

Yeah, I really--
I don't know what it is

but it's very good, very good.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, sure.

-So, you were saying?
-As I was saying,

many years ago on a night
very much li--

You know what it was? It was
an 18th century concertina

with minor water damage.

Listen to it now-- ready?
(shrieking softly)

Oh, sure, yeah, no, I,
I hear, I hear it now.

(applause)
Yeah.

-After you hear it.
-Yeah.

-As I was saying.
-Yeah.

It was a night
very much like this one...

in this very house.

('50s theme music)

(applause)

Welcome to
the Loretta Biscuit show.

I'm Loretta Biscuit.

Tonight we're making a Halloween
classic-- pumpkin pie.

(Edwin)
Her name was Loretta Biscuit.

She was America's
homemaking sweetheart.

Of all the gourd-based pies,

pumpkin is my favorite,
and the most festive.

(Edwin)
Then, one terrible Halloween,

during her segment about
pumpkin pie,

Loretta heard
a knock at the door.

(Edwin vocalizing knocking)

Trick or treaters!

(Edwin)
She assumed it was

trick or treaters, but what
stood on the other side

of the door wasn't children,

and what it wanted wasn't
candy-- it was murder.

("Psycho" music)

But also a little bit of candy.

First he cut her bangs,

or so it was assumed--
they never found her head,

but what they did find
was worse--

a pair of heavy shears sticking
out of her headless corpse!

Some say her soul
will never rest.

-Well, who says that?
-All the cool people.

Every Halloween Loretta
haunts this very stage

to exact her revenge
upon those

who would replace her.

Oh, how I don't
envy that person!

Well, let's see, wait a minute--
two plus two is four,

carry the one ca-- wait
a minute-- that's me!

I should go.

Host lightly.

(suspenseful music)

Edwin Chuzzlewit, everyone.

(applause)
Let's head over to the kitchen

to prepare some
Halloween treats.

(suspenseful music)

(theme music)

Witch weenies--
the perfect Halloween snack

for the ghoul on the go.

First,
boil your hot dogs.

Now, I have mine here.

This is where it gets fun.

You want to splay the bottom
of the dog in quarters--

here's a good example
right here.

(loud thud)
Huh, now what can that be?

Hello?

Oh! My portrait!

-My scream!
-Amy Lou?

Oh!

I was eavesdropping on you
and I heard you scream.

Look!

Ah! I've been wanting to stab
that painting of you

for a long time.

Oh... I didn't do it,
I, I just walked--

Now, don't get hysterical.

I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation

why there's a pair of
poultry shears

stickin' out of that
horrible likeness of you.

Such as?

Uh, maybe magnets or gravity,
I need more information.

All I know is the woman
before me was murdered here.

Oh, Loretta Biscuit?

Now, I don't recall her
being murdered.

I believe she died
of natural causes.

You know, it was the natural
outcome of being stabbed

in the chest and having
her head cut off.

(doorbell chiming)

Oh, an angel!

Look at her!
Oh, so sweet and innocent.

Bye, Nutmeg!

("Flight of the Bumblebee")

(Patty)
You help yourself

to whatever you want.

Trick or treat!

You're my little angel.

Oh-ho! Look at that.

Straight from heaven.

Oh!

Toodle-loos, I'll see you
at home, Nutmeg.

(door shuts)

Well, don't look at me!

You shouldn't have been
so chintzy with the treats.

Look, why don't we just
continue with the show?

Weren't you going to do
a segment on large pumpkins?

I am, and I have it
standing by on the porch.

Wheel in the pumpkin!

(trumpets fanfare)

Set it right there
on the floor.

This is Hickory,
my new farmhand.

-Mm-hmm.
-Hi.

Very good, Hickory,

now I want you to go
straight back to the orchard,

do you hear me?
No stops!

Wow, that's a big pumpkin,
Patty.

Big? Have you not seen
the headlines?

This is the largest pumpkin
in the Research Triangle Area,

winner of the blue ribbon
and lifetime membership

to Cobb County Country Club.

How did you get 'em so big?

Well, you start with big seeds
and you put 'em in a big patch.

Once you get a big pumpkin,

you mate it with another big
pumpkin and so on and so forth.

Now, of course, problems can
arise with all that inbreeding.

I had some of my prize winning
gourds develop pumpkin dysplasia

and had to be put down,

and then, of course, there are
the ones that, uh, drool.

(doorbell chiming)

Oh-ho!
Treaters at the door!

Make sure they're not
two-timers!

("Psycho" music)

(screaming)

?

I'm sorry,
I have some bad news.

Is there a last will
and testament?

No, she's... still alive.

Does that affect the will?

Oh, for cryin' out loud,
Chassie!

Put a plug in it!

Please, give us the bad news,
Dr. Radish.

I'm afraid Amy has suffered
severe psychosomatic trauma

to her fight or flight
response, or...

(whispering)
Hysterical paralysis.

She may never think
that she can walk again.

Hey, gal.
Don't you worry,

we're gonna have you up and
out of that chair in no time.

Um...

I want you to take
two of these a day,

they're for anxiety, okay?

And I've got you
a two month supply,

and they're gone.

(gulping)

Well, I'm gonna leave you
in the capable hands of, of...

that person.

-Oh.
-Hey... good luck, Amy.

Thank you, doctor.

I'm sorry?

Oh! The costume.

I usually dress up as a pirate

and I threw this together
at the last minute.

Well, I gotta go,
I got a gastric bypass.

I'm never gonna dress up
like a doctor again.

I'm gonna miss the parade.

(old woman whispering)
Miss Amy.

My name is Thelma,
and you gotta get some rest.

All you need is some rest,
some rest.

No, Thelma.

I promised my viewers at home
that I was gonna deliver

a Halloween show, and by gum,
I'm gonna do it!

(whirring, thud)

(whirring)

Nothing says Happy Halloween
quite like a meatloaf,

or in our case,
a dismembered feet loaf,

a spooky spin on
an American classic.

And to help me put this foot
in our mouths

is our good friend,
Chassie Tucker.

(applause)
Hi, there, Chassie!

First thing we're gonna do
is we're gonna add eggs

and breadcrumbs into the meat
that I have in the bowl

and mix it all together.

So why don't you get
in there, Chassie?

You need to add
the eggs to the meat

to make the feet loaf,
yes, you, Chassie.

Um, okay.

-What, keep--
-Right there.

-This one?
-Yeah, there you go.

And you're gonna add
just two--

not too many, two.

(chuckling)
Okay.

Then what you're gonna...

I don't get this.

Now it's time to add
your breadcrumbs.

So once you've got the eggs
into the ground beef

you're gonna add the breadcrumbs
and you're gonna knead it.

The breadcrumbs--
there's nothing in that bowl.

Breadcrumbs!
We don't need more egg.

And you're gonna add 'em
right on top.

Now, I made my breadcrumbs
last night.

There you go.

(coughing)

Okay, and now you're gonna
knead it really well,

bind it all together,
get it thoroughly mixed.

Once the ingredients
are folded in,

it should look
something like this.

And what you want to do is you
want to use onions for toenails.

And plenty of ketchup for blood.

There you go, you have to
hand it to the feet loaf,

a hauntingly delicious
Halloween meal.

(applause)
Now, I'd like to thank

our old friend Chassie Tucker,
and she's gone.

Of course,
my favorite part of Halloween

is the carving of
the Jack-o-lantern.

To help us carve,

I've invited our neighborhood
knife man, Tony Pugnalata.

Tony!

?
(wheelchair whirring)

-Welcome, Tony.
-Oh, hello.

(applause)

And Patty, who brought
her husband, Leslie.

He's dressed like Peggy Lee
nine years in a row!

-He should just stay in it.
-Could I?

Halloween comes early
every year.

He starts getting dressed up
like this in June.

I've spent more time with
Peggy Lee than Peggy Lee.

Now, Amy Lou, I brought
Leslie over to see

if he had a fix
for your mental issues.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Now, I know you're frustrated
sitting in that chair, Amy,

but your legs aren't
the problem.

Your problem is up here.

Speaking of which, at some point
could I borrow that wig?

-It's my real hair.
-Are you sure?

It looks like a mid-quality
synthetic lace from here.

No, it's mine.

The point is, Amy,

if you want to get
out of that chair,

you have to make the decision
to get out of that chair!

Listen to him,
Amy Lou, he is one of

the finest maritime
psychologists on land.

Now, most men get all strange
when they dry out,

but not Leslie.

He took to land like
a duck to water.

Well, maybe we could
just get back to the pumpkin,

is that possible?

So, Tony, what have you
been up to?

Well, I've recently
gotten into scrimshaw.

-Oh...
-Ahh, the noble seafaring art

of carving pictures
into whalebone.

Your mother clearly has an
admiration for nautical crafts.

My mother was hanged!

This is my husband, Leslie.

Okay, Tony, why don't you take
us through the pumpkin carving?

Of course, Amy,
first you're gonna need

the proper tool for the job.

I think Darlene
will fit the bill.

Uh, you're gonna want to start
by slicing around

the pumpkin's dome--
you want to be firm

with that first deep
knife strike.

(Amy gasps)

'Cause that really
sets the tone.

And once you've plunged
your blade deep into

what I like to call the forehead
zone of the pumpkin,

work quickly, make a circle
using a frantic sawing motion.

-Oh, holy Jesus.
-Look at him go.

Next you want to remove
all the brain meat.

Now, what I like to do is I like
to bake them in a pan

with a little bit of olive oil
and coarse sea salt

and then I towed them down
to the orphanage in Havelock.

Oh-ho, the kids love
to see me come!

-They call me the Seed Lady.
-They do.

Next you're gonna want
to cut the eye holes.

This is my favorite part because
the pumpkin can finally see

what it is
that I'm doing to it.

Truly a master blades man.

I really like where
you put the eyes.

Well, it's true I have
a real nose for faces.

Speaking of which,

yours I would have carved
completely different.

Can we just get back
to the pumpkin, please?

No, you listen to him,
Amy Lou,

I've been telling you that
for years.

Your eyes are too narrow,
you look like a flounder.

Okay!

(Tony)
All finished!

Oh, but what about
the mouth, Tony?

I believe that pumpkins
should be seen and not heard.

Huh, okay, well,
there you have it.

I want to thank Tony the knife
man for carving our pumpkin

and Patty for providing
the pumpkin and Leslie for--

I just want to remind everyone
I'll be performing as Peggy Lee

at the Pumpkin Ball over
at Fatty Pancake House

off of Newburgh.
The show starts at 11,

but truth be told we usually
don't go on until about 11:30.

Tell 'em the Colonel sent you.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

Pipe cleaner plate spiders--
simple and fun to make.

What you're gonna do
is you're gonna take

four pipe cleaners,
like so,

you're gonna fold 'em over,

you're gonna knot it off
to make the head.

You're gonna fan out the legs.

Then you're gonna
clip off, uh,

the pipe cleaner ends
to make it a smaller,

but where are my shears?

Hello, Amy.

-Edwin.
-Looking for these?

I heard about your terrible
accident from the widow Dorothy,

she's outside in the car.
(vocalizes horn beeping)

I'll be right out!

Amy, I'm worried about you.

Do you really think
that all of this

is worth it for
a television show?

You should get out now while,
while you still can.

Oh, I can't leave
my hit TV show.

Amy, I think you're
making a mistake.

You don't owe
anything to anybody.

(vocalizing horn beeping)

I am coming, woman,
put a cork in it!

Huh!

You leave her be.

You don't care about
Miss Amy!

But you're wrong, Thelma,
I only want what's best for her.

Hmm, I don't trust you,
Mr. Chuzzlewit.

I know you're up to something,

and I'm gonna listen
with my ears

so the things I hear you say
to find out what it is I heard.

(mouthing words)

Then you better be careful

of the words that come
out of your mouth

when you're saying
those things

that you believe
that you heard.

And what are you gonna do
about it?

(whooshing)
Maybe you should go, Edwin.

Yes, perhaps I should.
I can see that my visit has...

upset you and you need
to stay calm.

Wouldn't want you to...
lose your head.

Go on, now, shoo!

(vocalizing thunder
and horn beeping)

Here I come.

Miss Amy, don't let that
snake oil salesman

sell you any
bad ideas, you hear me?

Now, you sit here and relax.
I'll go to the bathroom

and get you a warm,
cool compress for your head.

(sighing)

(screaming)

?

You're doing
the right thing, Amy.

We're going to get you
in a nice, quiet home

where you can get
your strength back

and take comfort in the fact
that your homemaking days

are all behind you.

Oh-- I forgot my bag
in the craft room.

I'll be right back.
You stay here.

(loud footsteps)

(Edwin chuckling)

Well, well, well.

Now I've seen everything!

I know what you're up to.

You're wrong, Thelma,
I'm not up to anything.

It was you the whole time...

trying to scare
Miss Amy.

You put her in that chair!

You better keep
your mouth shut, Thelma.

I'm gonna tell everybody
what you did.

Just what did I do, Thelma?

You've been behind it
the whole time--

the stabbing paintings,
the rolling heads,

trying to spook Miss Amy
so she'd leave her show.

Well, I'm gonna march down
those rickety old stairs,

an old, clumsy woman
with a drinking problem,

and tell everybody
what I seen.

(softly)
Wait, wait.

-Good-bye, Thelma.
-Hmm?

(chuckling)

(whistling)

It was you the whole time--
why?

It's simple.
I'm a real estate developer.

Real estate?

You think town historian
pays for all of this?

(chuckling)
No.

It turns out
that this studio sits

on a rather valuable
piece of land,

and the only thing standing,
or rather, sitting,

between me
and turning this building

into a different building
is one

annoying homemaker hostess.

You're crazy.

That's what the doctors say.

But, I tried to do it
the easy way,

and you just wouldn't go.

-Googly eyes!
-Oh, my eyes!

Ah!

(Edwin shouting)

You can't evade me forever!

That thing has
limited battery life.

(Amy shouting)

(dramatic music)

(Edwin moaning)

(gasping)

(crackling)

And so this game of cat
and chair-bound mouse

comes to a close-- you knew it
would end like this!

(laughing)

(screaming)

(metal scraping)

This part might sting!

(Amy screaming)

(clank, whirring and squeaking)

(xylophone plays)

(loud thud)

How fitting--
he was squashed by a squash.

We'll be right back.

I collapse.

?

Trick or treat!

I've got a princess
and a pirate and a cowgirl

and a werewolf and a scarecrow
and a zombie!

(cackling)

Bye!

Well, we had a lot of fun
this Halloween,

at least until
all the murdering started.

I hope you enjoyed yourself.

Before we go, please enjoy
this performance by Peggy Lee.

Peggy?

? The toe bone's
connected to the foot bone ?

? The foot bone's connected
to the ankle bone ?

? The ankle bone's
connected to the hip bone ?

? Once people,
now you're just things ?

Oh, Leslie!

? The foot bone's
connected to the ankle bone ?

? The ankle bone's connected
to the thigh bone ?

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