All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e04 Makeover.eng

?

Oh, hello.

I was just re-arranging
furniture in my dollhouse.

I had originally planned
to gut and renovate

the downstairs bathroom
in the main house,

but midway through
my contractor's suddenly

impossible to get hold of.

Contractors--
they're like bad boyfriends.

When they're looking for action
they're all hot and heavy.

But as soon as you commit,
they're like, "I got another job

that's a lot younger."

Unfortunately my contractor
is also my bad boyfriend.

Tommy, I'm sorry
I lit your bed on fire,

but you won't answer my calls,
you changed your number.

I will not be ignored, Tommy.

Anyway, instead, I decided to
focus my energy on my dollhouse.

Dollhouses are all about
the accessories.

For instance,
this adorable bent wood chair.

(thud)
Tommy? Is that you?

(hissing)

Whoa!

(screaming)

Makeovers--
tonight on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Hello, again.

Makeovers, or wanting the things
you have but better,

can be a magical,
transformative experience.

Tonight on the program
tips on turning tired,

saggy rooms into perky,
youthful spaces.

An interior design expert

will give my home a complete
20-minute makeover.

And later, the editor for
"Better Shelters and Sheds"

will be stopping by to shoot it
for the cover!

But before we start
re-upholstering the grout

and re-wiring the tile,

let's catch up
with our good friends,

Patty Hogg and Chassie Tucker!

(applause)
Oh, so happy to see you guys!

Oh, what happened to your chins?

Wh-whatever do you mean?

At least two of them
are missing.

You look like
a snare drum with beady eyes.

What are you two talking about?

This is the same face
I had last episode.

Might be the same face, but it's
a different part of your skull.

I think it's so sad
when people change their looks

to chase society's standards
of beauty.

True beauty
comes from the inside.

Yes, I did get
a little bang trim.

You two need to be
kept on a short leash.

You're like a couple of
senators' wives.

Do I have anything in my teeth?

-Nope.
-Well, as you know,

today's show is all about
makeovers.

Do you two have
any stories of makeovers?

Well, I'm sure you're aware
Leslie has financial stake

at Godfather's Seafood House
over there by the boardwalk.

Well, it needs a complete re-do,
renovation tuck.

Really, why?

It's set during
all you can eat crab night.

Now, as is traditional,

the Matre'D went down
with the restaurant,

and 11 lobsters
escaped back to sea.

Now, the upside is,

all fugitive lobsters
were hunted down and delicious!

Now, you know how I love
a long-neck lobster.

You know,
all the meat is in the neck.

How about you, Chassie,
any new... projects?

Hmm, oh, yes,
I'm turning the trunk of my car

into a mobile pet clinic.

I'm focusing mostly on
de-worming.

Well, don't you need
a license for that?

Dogs don't know
the difference.

Well, those sound
like projects.

Well, I guess
we're all gonna be busy.

(thwack, boing)

(Patty)
My land! Mudslide!

It looks like your face is
migrating south for the winter!

They should have used
a stronger epoxy!

(laughing)

Oh, no!

My age appropriate face
is back!

Have you ever seen
such a thing!?

I have got to go, ladies,

I've got a Compost Club meeting
this evening.

It's Italian night--
bring your own rotten tomatoes.

I said too much.

Oh, land, have mercy!

(applause)

(shivering)

I'll be first to admit makeovers
are not my strong suit.

Luckily we'll be getting expert
advice from my first guest.

Please welcome regionally
renown interior designer,

Darius Von Hassock!

(applause)

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry,
well, this is awkward.

Our first guess is
apparently detained.

What am I supposed to do,
overhaul this place myself?

?

? I wish I had an expert
who could tell me ?

? What I need to do

? And then do it

? What kind of rugs
that I should lay ?

? Bathroom tile,
green or gray ?

? Within budget ?

? Oh take this couch
and move it there ?

? And grab a chair
and bring it here ?

? New bookends now,
how about a pair ?

? Just make it happen,
I don't care ?

? As long as there's
no work at all for me ?

Oh, this is silly!

I can't spend the whole show
lamenting my situation in song.

I mean, I could,
but I ran out of lyrics.

The fact is, I have a photo
shoot to prepare for and really,

how difficult could
redecorating be?

You know what?

Let's do it!

To warm up, let's start with
the smallest room in the house--

the bedroom closet.

First order of business,
I'm guessing,

is remove all this clutter.

Ugh!
What was I thinking?

Oh, I love this shawl!

Oh!

(softly)
All right.

Oh!
I don't remember owning this.

It's both obscene and,
well, enviable.

Whoo!
Let's get rid of this crap

and see what other junk
we can get rid of.

Junk?

And what do you know?

Wh-what are you doing
in my closet?

Your closet?
This is my closet.

How is this your closet?

I died in here years ago,
and it wasn't a suicide,

I can tell you that much.
I'm perfectly mentally sound.

I don't care what you heard.
Why? What have you heard?

I haven't heard anything.

Aye, then my point is proven.

You're a ghost
living in my closet?

No, I'm a sea captain,
traveling the realms

between the living and the dead,
living in my closet.

Now get out, shoo.

I'm doing a show
on makeovers,

I was going to totally
re-do this space.

This closet
is fine the way it is!

Now, leave it alone.
It's nice and cozy.

Besides, I have dreams of
turning it into a storage locker

for retired dead seamen.

Oh, I don't know if I can have
dead seamen in my closet.

Why not? They use your
pantry as a brothel right now.

-What?
-Never mind!

The point is,
leave this closet alone!

At least you can let me get rid
of some of this junk!

I mean, look at this
old thing, right?

(chuckling)
Have you ever?

I'll have you know I carved
Calliope by hand.

Let's see how good you look
after 200,000 nautical miles

of ocean spray
blasting across your breasts.

Okay, fine, here.

Calliope.
(kiss)

-Ugh!
-You don't know the first thing

about interior design, do you?

Oh, and you do?

Oh, I may appear
to be a man's man,

but let me tell you
something, lassie,

there's plenty of downtime
there out at sea.

So I shared my knowledge of
mending ships' sails

and making curtains.

My expertise in roboting into
crafting macram� pinch pots.

My ship was
"The Jewel of the Atlantic".

(laughs softly)
Oh.

What have you done?

Oh, no, you're right.
I have no idea what I'm doing.

And my expert,
he never showed up.

I cry.

(crying dramatically)

What are you doing,
blasted woman?

Stop weeping--
saltwater belongs in the sea.

I'll tell you what.

We'll get this place shipshape

and we'll start by making
curtains, together.

-Really?
-Yes, aye.

And we'll be good together.

I may have spent most of my
adult life on the high seas

surrounded by cutthroat swabs
and raging mackerel,

but I do know
how to treat a lady.

Trust me, no woman has ever been
the worst for knowing me.

I mean, if you judge it
by 19th century standards.

-It's a deal!
-Ah! Give me a moment

so I can get re-aquainted
with Calliope.

She's seems to have had
a bit of a dustup.

(sea shanty playing)
When we return,

window treatments and how
they can change a room.

We'll be right back.

?

Oh, hello.

I was just brushing
the hair on this lampshade.

One hundred strokes a day
helps stimulate the bulb.

99, 100!

(chuckling)

A good crafter
could take ugly garbage

and turn it into
beautiful junk.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

Hello. One of the best ways
to spruce up a tired room

is the window treatment.

I always say,
curtains are the eyelids

of the window to the soul.

Today we'll be making curtains
from scratch.

Now, first we, um, uh, line.

-We pick out a fabric.
-We pick out a fabric.

And today I think I'm going to
be going with a floral pattern.

No!

Look, I'm all for
jolly windows,

but there is such a thing
as making them a bit too gay.

Okay. How about these
horizontal stripes?

Yeah, sure, if you want
your windows to look fat!

-Polka dots?
-Great Poseidon!

Are we making children's socks
now, for children?

Well, then, why don't you
pick one out, then?

Well, confound it, woman!
Go for sea green taffeta!

Drapes well,
folds crispy when drawn.

Fine, now, please don't
call me woman.

All right, then,
I shall call you Amaretto.

Well, my name is Amy.

No, that's the name
of a common port strumpet.

Amaretto, on the other hand,

stilly strumpety
but from a much nicer port.

Okay, what's next?

Cut out the patterns.

-With a rotary cutter!
-I know, but did you have

rotary cutters on the ship?

No! We came across
a Portuguese tailor,

I traded him a Chinaman
for them.

Oh, that's a terrible
thing to say!

You should have heard what the
Chinaman was saying about me!

Swearing like
a rummed-up Injun'.

Now, put a half-inch double hem
along the sides.

I said a half-inch double hem!

I'm doing it, I'm doing it,
I'm doing it!

God! Why don't you do it?

I'm a ghost, remember?
I can't hold tools!

Well, you don't seem to have
a problem puffin' on that pipe

or reading that book on knots.

Blast it, I can't explain
the metaphysical rules

of the astral plane all day.

Can we just finish
the curtains, please?

Yes. Fold there, cut there,
sew there.

Fold there,
cut there, sew there.

Now you're getting
the hang of it.

Okay.

? There once was
a ballsy captain ?

? Who sailed the ocean blue

? He had salt in his veins
and a scar on his eye ?

? Hence feared
by his fearful crew ?

? At night
he'd walk the deck alone ?

? Fearsome as a black monsoon

? The crew would cower
in the hold below ?

? When he sang
his chilling tune ?

? Singing
twinkle-dinkle-dee ?

? Twinkle-tattle-tee

? Sang the captain with his
snake-like serpent hung ?

Captain?

Amaretto.

(dramatic music)

Why, I'd pay 50 pieces of silk
to hang this over my porthole.

Captain,
we'd make such great...

shipmates.

Aye, Amaretto, we would.

Maybe we could...

re-upholster
a chair together or...

(stammering)
Yes... a chair.

(softly)
Don't look at me.

-Captain? What's wrong?
-Get away.

Look, Amaretto,
my salty little sea sponge.

I've had my time with you--
you have to go it alone.

What do you mean?

We were making
curtains together,

you were barking orders at me,

you were saying horrible,
racist things.

-Yeah.
- I mean, I've never

been happier.

And I, too, Amaretto.

But you must craft
your own life now.

Whether by wind or by oar
or by paddle-foot,

you must build
your own ship into port.

What are you saying?

You must find a designing
partner... of the flesh.

I don't want to see
other designers!

Look, Amaretto, you're
everything I've ever been,

you're everything I ever was.
Blast.

But you, you were a sturdy,
weathered woman of

undetermined age,
I'm guessing, oh, I don't know,

late 50s, early 60s.

You have good years
left in your life.

Oh.

Amaretto,
life is for the living.

Live it.

I must go.

(Amy gasping)

-Oh, Captain.
-Good-bye, Amaretto.

(softly)
Captain.

(dramatic music)

Oh.

I'm going to hang
these curtains now.

?

Hello,
and welcome to the Lodge.

I'm Ruth, the lady in the Lodge,
and this is Esther and--

another person
who stays at the Lodge.

Oh, and I almost forgot
Artemis here.

Say hello, Artemis.

(parrot squawking)
Ahoy!

Today we're talking
about makeovers,

a natural and often
beautiful process,

like a caterpillar
changing into a butterfly,

or a rotting possum turning into
food for maggots.

The cycle of life.

Can you think of any examples,
Esther?

Early menopause?

Okay.
Esther is a little snippy today

because I removed her favorite
floral pattern chair!

And why did I remove Esther's
favorite floral pattern chair?

Because it was mine?

Now, Esther, I'm very open

to having your things here
at the Lodge.

It's just sometimes
your choices are pedestrian

and need to be re-chosen.

I have a simple design
philosophy.

I believe the interior
of your living area

should reflect
the exterior environment.

In keeping with
our winter motif,

I've used drab as our base
color, with accents of somber.

(heavy footsteps)

I've also added
a few flurries of dreary

to play against the sporadic
touches of gloomy.

(chair scraping floor)

It all comes together
to make a bold--

It all comes together
to make a bold statement

which I think can best be
best summed up as--

Menopause.
(door shuts)

I hope you had fun coming over.

That's it for us at the Lodge.
Right, Artemis?

(parrot squawking)
Menopause.

? She's the lady
who lives in the woods ?

Thank you, Ruth and Esther.
Good news!

I promised you
an interior design expert,

and by gum, one has arrived!

When we come back, we will be in
full makeover mode.

Hello!

Did someone say hangover?

Uh, makeover.

Then I guess I'll improvise.

I've got the perfect
makeover drink.

It starts as a Sea Breeze.

I add a spicy, dark rum and it
turns into a Dark 'n Stormy.

And then I splash a light rum
until it's a Hurricane.

I call it
Women and Children First.

It will keelhaul your liver.

Well, gotta go.

I'm shipping out
to a riverboat casino.

It's a safe bet
I'm gonna get hammered.

? It's Friday night ?

? I'm gonna get drunk,
I'm gonna get laid ?

? I'm gonna be late on
Monday ?

-Meow for now.
-Ships ahoy!

Bye, Ronnie Vino!

When we return, we make over!

?

Please welcome
Darius Von Hassock.

So, Darius,
before we get started,

why don't you tell me
a little something about

your design technique?

Ah, yes, well,

when I first enter a room,

I like to connect
with the space--

what are its assets,
what is it lacking?

Judge it harshly,
the way you would a blind date.

Is the room attractive
or is it fat?

Does the room split the check
or does it ridicule you

because you rode
the bus to the restaurant?

Mother was using the car!

Why don't we go focus on
the living room, shall we?

Sounds good to me,
ladies first.

Okay, thank you.

All right,
I invite you to consider

the concept of symmetry.

It's important to achieve
a visual rhythm

with your knickknacks.

In other words,
do-dah, do dats flow?

-Well, do dey?
-Dey don't.

(sighing)
I'm never gonna get this!

Listen, Amy, it's easy.

?

? When positioning your
doohickeys about the room ?

? Make sure your thing-a-mabobs
appear to be untrue ?

? Groups of three
or five or more ?

? Are more pleasing than
two or four ?

? Never wicker basket
on the floor, out the door ?

-Wow! That's terrific!
-I know.

?

? A mirror here or there
will open up a room ?

? Co-ordinated rugs
would make it feel in tune ?

? Throw pillows of different
shapes are good ?

? Unless they clash
with drapes ?

? A splash of color
helps a room take shape ?

? Ficus grape

?

(Darius laughing)

Amy, you're beautiful.

(chuckling)

(car horn blaring)
Oh!

Um, will you excuse me
for a moment? That's my mommy.

I'm going to tell her I'm only
going to be a while.

Mommy?

Oh! And, uh, whoo!

These are all wrong!
(Amy gasps)

I'm coming, mommy!
I'm coming!

(notes playing)

-I don't like him.
-Oh, please.

And I don't trust him,
he lives with his mother.

Well, you live in a closet with
a half-naked wooden lady.

How easily
I have become replaced.

I thought you wanted me to see
other designers.

Yes, but not some
scalloped-edged tasseled dandy!

Are you jealous?

Please. Jealousy is a luxury
of the living.

Well, then what's the problem?

(dramatic music)

It seems I've become
fond of you, Amaretto.

I just don't want
to see you get hurt,

especially by some perfumed
parlor fake.

God, I'm really sorry
that you feel that way,

but I've decided to
ask him to be

my regular show design expert.

You deserve everything you get
from him, Amaretto.

Don't tilt your
canvas sails too closely

towards this gentle cod.

There can be very rough seas
ahead indeed.

(wind blowing)

I'm back-- she'll await.

Oh, I'm so glad
you made it back,

it's been so great
having you around.

-I've enjoyed it too.
-You know, Darius,

I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to be my...

show's resident design expert.

Why, I'm flattered.

-Oh, yeah?
-Of course, Amy.

Nothing would make me happier.

Oh, you know,
maybe you could just sort of

move your things in,
and that way you'd be around

whenever I need you.

Hmm...
I just have one question.

Yeah.

-Do you have room for mother?
-I'm sorry?

(car horn blaring)
I'm coming!

It's my mother.

Okay, well, maybe things are
just moving so fast, you know,

maybe I could have
our producers give you a call,

we'll work things out later.

Sure, sure, sure.
Do you have my mother's number?

Yes.

Well, this has been...

Oh, yeah.

A lovely distraction.

It has.

(car horn blaring)
I better run.

Okay.

It appears somebody's good ship
lolly-poppers' finally...

run aground.

Listen to me, Amaretto.
You have everything inside you.

The ability to decorate,
accentuate...

even situate.

You don't need some landlubber's
mother telling you what to do.

Oh, what will become of us?

Oh, I'll be waiting for you,
Amaretto.

When you pass,
I'll be there.

Oh, I should add a small caveat
to that offer.

-What do you mean?
-Well, you see,

the body you leave
this life with you

and take with you
into eternity.

So, assuming things
hold up and...

things don't go south,
your...

life doesn't drag on and on

or you're not injured
in some horrible accident

or don't take a rusty hook
to the face...

-Sure.
-But yes, you know,

I will definitely--
well, you understand.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Of course.

You're very special,
Amaretto.

Do not change.

Seriously, don't change,
because then on the other side

I won't be interested,
you know...

No, I got it. Yeah, yeah.

Fare the well.

Until your ship makes
its final port.

Bon voyage.

(sucking pipe, exhaling)

?

Hello. I hope you took away
plenty of decorating tips

so you have
the confidence to attempt

your own makeover projects.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh! It's the photographer,
Barry Dingles

from "Better Shelters
and Sheds".

Hello!

Well, hello!
What a lovely room!

Oh, really? Thank you.

Oh, it's so
whimsically decorated,

like it was done by
cartoon mice.

I'm flattered.

Oh, the perfect place
for your portrait--

right by those nautical drapes.

-Oh, great, Barry.
-Head on over.

Okay, eyes right here.

-Say "sea shanty"
-Sea shanty!

(sea shanty playing)

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