All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e03 All About Amy.eng

"No choice but to take
appropriate legal--"

Oh, hello.

I was just reading through
my fan mail,

and it reminds me
that I couldn't do the show

without you, the fans.

(applause)

I mean, I could do it,

given the advances we have made
in stock footage,

but it wouldn't feel right.

Think of this show
as a delicious

Emmy-nominated pound cake.

All the ingredients
are essential--

one pound of me,
two whole cups of myself,

a generous drizzle of I
and a pinch of you, my fans.

And it's that last ingredient
we are going to focus on.

Tonight-- you, on a very special
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

Really? Fans?
Are we that out of topics?

We haven't done compost yet
or pet caskets.

?

Hello. Tonight is a course about
you, my fans, and I can't think

of a better way for me to show
you how much I appreciate you

appreciating me than
having you on my hit TV show

to appreciate me in person.

Now, a few months ago
I announced contest,

inviting you
to write a short essay

explaining why you love
this program.

I then asked you to mail
that essay into the show

along with two crisp $20 bills
for processing and handling.

Tonight I am happy to announce
I made enough money

to have all
my skin tags removed.

(applause)

Also, I picked the winner of
"My Home is Now Your Home

At Home With Amy Sedaris"
essay contest.

She'll be out here in a moment
to claim her prize--

being a guest on my show.

But before she comes out
I wanted to read

a little bit
of her beautiful essay.

(whispering)
"...beautiful..."

"...perfect teeth..."
Oh, "tiny waist"?

(whispering)
"...root beer brown eyes..."

Oh, my goodness.
It is so on the money.

Please welcome the winner of
"My Home is Now Your Home

At Home With Amy Sedaris"
home viewer contest,

Mary Frances Finkleton!

Welcome, Mary!
(applause)

Oh, my...

I can't believe I'm here!

Amy, you're my
favorite person on TV

who doesn't solve mysteries.

I would just watch you
so many times!

I have your whole
kitchen memorized.

Toaster, oven, spoon, clock,

counter, ham.

Oh, that is so impressive!

You must watch
the show a lot,

I mean, I'm here every day
and I can't even do that.

Here, make yourself
at home, there you go.

Oh, thank you.

Sure!

Now, listen,
don't be nervous, okay?

You are doing just fine and your
letter was so adorable

and all of the compliments
about me were so spot-on.

It's as though
I wrote it myself.

So why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

Well, um, this is my first time
here in the Research Triangle.

Where I come from
we only have two points.

Hmm, a real hokum plum town,

you poke around a little and
your plum went through it?

(crickets chirping)

-Please, continue.
-Well, when I was a child,

I always dreamed of having
my own homemaking show.

I used to use my bedsheet
as an apron

and sometimes
I'd get so much food on it

I'd have to use an apron
as a bedsheet.

I wanted to be you so badly.

I used to put a mop on my head
and stuff my pants with pillows.

(chuckling)
Oh, my goodness!

And what about your family?

You have something
in your teeth, may I?

(suspenseful music)

Oh.

I'm sorry,
was that too forward?

Oh, no, sometimes I let my
rabbit Tina eat out of my mouth.

It's okay--
so you were saying?

Oh, yes, well, my father worked
on a riverboat casino,

but the river got so narrow he
couldn't turn the boat around

and eventually he sailed out to
sea and I never saw him again.

-Oh...
-Mother worked as a cabin girl

on a steam train but couldn't
turn it around

because it was on tracks, so...
and then the war came.

Well, you're here now, Mary.
Of course, eventually,

you'll have to return to
all that unimaginable sadness,

but let's make an apple pie!

(both laughing)

Okay, we already have
everything pre-mixed.

Of course you got apples, lemon
and sugar and whatnot.

Okay, I'll put that aside.

You got your rolling pin.
You ready?

-Is everything okay?
-Oh, it's just that I must have

watched you make pies
a hundred times,

and it's always so magical.
It's like watching a surgeon

perform an appendectomy
on a pie.

Oh, I'm flattered.

All right,
let's roll out this dough

to make our lattice,
shall we?

Now, if you don't have a rolling
pin you can use a bottle, say,

a wine bottle or a broomstick.

My mother used to use
my uncle's prosthetic leg.

Oh, and how did that work?

It was pretty good
once she got the shoe off.

Okay. So let's start
cutting the lattice

to place on top of our pie.

I've already pre-heated
the oven to 350 degrees.

All right,
just make these strips.

Now, I got this, uh, cutter
at a flea market

in New England.

I was there by myself.

Mmm, I love making pies.

Unfortunately,
my waistline doesn't but...

(softly)
I love you.

Oh. Okay.

There are our strips,
all right.

It's like making
pot holders.

You're doing fine.

I love the smell of
an uncooked pie.

Is this okay?

(applause)

It's an Egyptian
multi-weave

with perfect spacing between
the west and north.

Is it?
What do you know?

Oh, I like yours too,
it's so dynamic.

It's kind of like earthworms
on a sidewalk after a rainstorm.

That was a choice.

Knock-knock-knock!
Apple delivery! Who's this?

This is the winner of
my biggest fan contest.

Oh, so you have one!
I'll slap my knee.

Mary, this is Patty Hogg,
my neighbor.

I know who you are.
I've seen you on the show.

I'm such a fan.

Oh, well, you better save some
of that buttering up

for your crust.

Nice to meet you, dear.

Mary just got off the bus
from Two Points.

Hmm... well, the shoes
say small potatoes,

but her eyes says
big cheese.

I'm just happy
to be here with my hero.

Hmm, interesting.

That reminds me-- I gotta go
spread some manure

on my amaryllis.

I'll leave you two to it.
C-Caio!

I don't know much of
anything about television,

but I'm guessing
she doesn't do well

with the 18-59 demographic
and they spend the most money.

Oh, Patty, she's harmless.

Now, let's get these pies
in the oven,

and remember for a craft we're
gonna make donut bird feeders.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

Welcome to my craft room, Mary.

I can't believe
I'm actually standing in here.

It feels so sacred,
like a church,

I'm afraid
to touch anything.

Well, do you craft at home?

I mean, odds and ends, but
nothing like what you do here.

Oh, okay, well, we're gonna make
one of my favorite crafts,

it's a donut bird feeder.

Now, if there's one thing
I know about birds,

is that birds love donuts.

The first thing we're gonna do
is pick out a jar lid.

Oh, like this?

Oh, look...

-Hi, Amy.
-Hi, Mary.

Adorable. Now, we're going
to use this hammer and a nail--

which I have a little,
nice little tin here--

and we're going to
pierce a hole

at the top of
two jar lids, okay?

It's why we need a man
around the house, right?

Okay. All right, now what
we're going to do

is I went ahead and
pre-threaded some twine.

I used a raspberry one
because birds love color,

and I put it in
a large needle, like so,

and knot if off at the bottom.

You're gonna fish it through
the bottom of the lid here.

Now, remember, a terrific gift
for the elderly

is a pre-thread needle.

You're gonna add a donut,
old-fashioned donut, here,

push it through and it's going
to be sandwiched between

another jar lid that we already
put a hole through,

like so, okay?

Oh, there you go!

The donut bird feeder,
there you have it.

I just a thought of
a perfect place to hang these.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Oh, no, Mary, I can't
take your bird feeder.

Shh-shh-shh.

Oh, my God,
they look fantastic!

I know, they're perfect.

Oh, thank you so much, Mary,
it was so sweet of you.

Thank you, Mary, really.

Oh.

Oh! A kiss too, thank you.
(laughing)

(mouthing words)

Thank you, really.

(bell dings)

(both)
The pies!

I'm gonna take 'em out of
the oven and be right back.

Oh, these are great!
(laughing)

?

A cooling rack--
it lets cool air circulate

under the hot crotch of a pie.

It's a kitchen essential,
the cooling rack.

(announcer)
And now a message from

Fiddleneck Foods, the folks
who brought you Turkey Gouge--

we need more whole...
turkey gouge.

(background conversations,
music playing)

Come on! Come on!

Ugh!

Hey, Carol, you better serve
that dessert

before your guests decide...

to desert.

Oh, Madge,
I can't serve pie this hot.

Why is it taking so long
to cool?

Well, have you tried
a cooling rack?

A cooling rack?

You see, Carol, when you
take a pie out of the oven,

it's hot.

A cooling rack elevates
the food from the surface

so that cool air can
circulate underneath.

-That makes so much sense!
-It sure does.

I remember when I would cool
my pies on the windowsill

and all that did was
attract bears and hobos.

(laughing)

Oh, you would not believe how
many hungry scamps I chased down

with my rolling pin just
trying to get back my pie.

Sometimes I had no choice
but to crack some skulls.

(dramatic music)

But now...

now we have a much more sensible
way of cooling pies.

It's working!

This is the most perfect
kitchen tip. Thanks, Madge.

(announcer)
From the people at

Fiddleneck Foods--
the cooling rack.

Goddamn it!

(announcer)
Wait-- what's happening?

What is it with you people?

-Oh, boy.
-You just have this

insatiable need
for more technology,

more innovation-- nothing!
Nothing is ever good enough.

Well, I hope you're
happy, Carol,

with your new
goddamn cooling rack!

(sobbing)

Oh, Madge, I'm so sorry,
I didn't know.

(man)
Where's the pie?

You know, Carol...

Carol, it seems like you have
a few hobos of your own

waiting for some pie.

Right.

(uplifting music)

(announcer)
Fiddleneck Foods

pie cooling rack--

may have some
serious issues.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

What are you doing?

Oh, uh...

-Are you wearing my smock?
-No, I-I...

-And my skin tags?
-Oh, I was just trying them on.

Take them off!

I'm sorry,
I was just amusing myself,

I didn't mean anything by it.

(wings fluttering)

Look, Mary I know
you won the contest,

and I appreciate that you're
such a big fan of the show,

but I think it would be
better if you go now.

But I thought
the contest winner got to stay

till the end of the episode.

I'm sorry, but I would like
for you to go now.

(bird squawks)

We'll be right back
after these messages.

(Mary shouting)

Welcome back to my show, where
I'm celebrating you, the fans.

I get so many letters asking
about my famous Salisbury steak,

so I thought
I'd take you through it.

The recipe is simple,
but I have a little twist.

Can I help you, Mary?

Oh, I-I was just
gathering up my stuff.

Are you gathered?

-Mm-hmm.
-Good.

So here is my twist--

French onion soup mix.

-Yes, Mary?
-My bus doesn't come

for another 15 minutes.

I was wondering, if it
wouldn't be too much trouble,

if I could just wait here,
you know, until the bus comes?

Well, what can I say?

All right.

I'm sorry,
where were we?

Oh, French onion soup mix.

Who knew packaged soup
could be so much fun?

(Mary sobbing)

Mary, could you cry
in the living room, please?

I'm sorry, am I expressing
my pain out loud?

Yeah, you were.

From now on I'll try to
stifle my grief.

That'd be terrific.

(sobbing continues)
Now, that I revealed my secret

ingredient, let's make
the rest of the recipe.

Here to lend a hand, old friend
of the show and fan favorite,

Chassie Tucker!

Hi, Chassie, welcome back.

Sorry, I can't stay
for the segment.

-I'm sorry?
-Yeah, I'm not feeling well.

Well, what's the valise for?

-My medicine.
-Well, if you're sick,

what are you doing here?

Well, I need you
to cash a check for me.

Why can't you cash the check
at your bank?

Because they don't have
any branches where I'm going...

to be sick.

Well, you look fantastic.
What's wrong with you?

I just... I don't know,
it's just kind of my...

stomach's all feverish and I got
chills and my ears are ringing

and-- I don't know, they're
saying it's some sort of

gastro-intestinal thing.

Oh, I see.
You know, I really don't care.

You know Salisbury steak's
a two-man job!

Oh, Miss Tucker,
I'm such a fan.

I'm sorry,
what's happening?

This is Mary, she won
the fan favorite contest.

I hope I'm not being
too forward,

but I just love it
when you're on the show,

and you have such
great style.

Well, thank you, Mary.

Mary was just leaving.

Oh, why?
The show isn't even over yet.

You know, it's really
none of your business.

What I'd like for you to do,
and what you get paid for,

is to strap on an apron
and start chopping parsley,

which is optional.

I told you, I'm sick.

Well, if it helps, you know,
I'm just sitting here,

waiting for my bus.

Maybe I could fill in
for Chassie.

That makes
so much sense-- yes!

Mary will help you with
Salisbury steak

and I can go home
and recuperate.

(car horn honks)

I'm coming!

-Your doctor.
-My doctor, sure.

Well, I gotta run,
but I will say this much.

This one is special,
you know?

I would keep her around.

(Mary)
Feel better.

Just take your raincoat off
and put an apron on,

which you have already,
my goodness.

And let's make
Salisbury steak!

(applause)
As I was saying earlier,

my secret zesty twist
on Salisbury steak

is right inside this
packet of instant soup,

it's a flavor booster.

Now, to open the packet you're
gonna need one pair of scissors,

like so.
Now, here's a quick tip--

I like to cut above
the dotted line here,

if you can get a close-up
on this, Buckles.

That way you don't use the
entire contents of the package,

you'll have a little extra flap
to fold down

when saving the remainder
of the powdered soup.

You're not cutting, Mary.

You know what?
I was just thinking.

I was just reading
the back of the packet of soup

and there's a lot of
sodium here.

Sodium's good for you, that's
why they call is sodi-yum!

But do we really want to
take a shortcut

to making the Salisbury steak?

We have all these
ingredients fresh,

and it would taste better
and be better for you.

Isn't that
a good idea, audience?

(applause)

I mean, it's your show,
but I know, knowing you,

you would want to make it
the best way.

(voice echoing)
Fresh olives, fresh mushrooms,

fresh herbs...
(tea kettle whistling)

-What are you doing?
-Well, I was thinking,

why don't we co-host
the show together?

I mean, I think we'd make
a pretty good team,

don't you, audience?
(applause)

Excuse me?
What are you talking about?

I have a hit TV show,
my name is on the mug!

If I could be honest with you,
Amy, this show is a mess.

You're all over the place--

you're cooking in one segment,
crafting in another--

you're a homemaker, then you're
a host, I mean, who are you?

You're like a bra
with mismatched socks

if those socks were
middle-aged and dumpy.

(laughing angrily)
You know what, Mary?

I've had about a quarter of a
cup too much of you, all right?

You are a big, fat nobody
from a nobody town

who's never going
to be anything but a nobody!

My whole life all I ever wanted
was to be you.

Nobody!

While making that pie
we had a moment.

Nobody!

You know what?
This is all my fault.

-Yeah.
-I should have known.

I set my expectations
too high.

I just have too much faith
in the idea

that you were
going to be a good person.

There is a reason they say you
should never meet your heroes.

Are you planning on
flaying something?

I'm planning on fixing
something.

I promised myself
I wouldn't kill anymore.

Why are you making me
do this?

I think it's a great idea about
co-hosting the show together.

I-I think it's just
what the show needs--

the two of us, right?

So, why don't you
put the knife down

and we can talk about it--

you, me, together,
just the two of us.

I don't want to talk
anymore.

I'm tired, I just want this
to be over with now.

I have a show to do.

(dramatic music)

(applause)

(shouting)

You're crazy!

(shouting)

Are you crazy?

I'm gonna smack
your skull in!

No!
Not the expensive one!

(crying)

We'll be right back
after these messages.

Don't go away!

(choking)

Oh, knockity,
knock-knock-knock.

I thought I'd pop on by
to see

if that nuisance of a nobody
was still arou--

Oh, hello, Patty,
can I help you?

And where, exactly, is Amy?

Oh, well, you know Amy,
unpredictable Amy,

she could be anywhere--
up a tree or down a well,

at the market or in
an unmarked grave.

Amy may be a lot of
things-- toddy-headed,

a little skulled, bow-legged,
borderline illiterate,

a quick, simpleminded,
out of shape--

-Do you have a point, Patty?
-I thought I did.

Well, if you don't mind,
I'm trying to do a show.

Oh, are you, now?
Huh!

Unpredictable! That's it,
Amy is not unpredictable.

Bam! Back on track.

Look,
I don't know where Amy is,

I'm not her keeper,
but I need you to leave

until it's your segment,

which I'm guessing
will be greatly reduced.

You're best in small doses.

You've read the network notes,
haven't you?

Oh, have I said too much?

You've said plenty,
Mary Fink-ton from Two Points.

You know, I think I might just
stick around for a bit.

Catch a segment.

(mysterious music)

Something seems
a little off, doesn't it?

What do you mean, Patty?

Askew. Uneven.
Awry. Catawampus.

? Mary had a little lie

? Little lie,
little lie ?

(gasps)
? Mary had a little lie

? But Patty knew the truth

(no sound)

Truth-- hmm,
something doesn't sound right.

Probably the humidity.

Oh! So now you're a weather girl
too-- happy rain!

Oh, sounds like the hammers

are striking against
something bloated.

A collapsed ovary,
a lower fat belly.

I'm really going
to have to ask you to leave.

I'll leave as soon as I can
look inside that piano.

There's nothing in that piano
that concerns you.

I can think of 88 reasons.

-What does that mean?
-You know, the keys,

I thought it was
a clever turn of phrase.

Had it been a guitar
I would have said

stop stringing me along.

If you're not going to
leave by yourself,

I'm going to
have to help you.

(shouts)

Oh, my sweet, sweet corn!

(Patty shouting)

It's like ten pound of potatoes
in an eight pound sack.

You're really going to regret
doing that.

I'm sure that I will,
but first I have know,

how did you get her
in there?

Did you grease her up
before you squeezed her in?

Did your brain
collapse your hips?

Did you have to sit
on top of her

like an overstuffed suitcase?

(mumbling)
Jesus Christ...

get me out of here.

Am I getting colder
or warmer?

You're about to be
permanently cold.

We'll get back to that.

First you tell me, did you stuff
her in like a jack in the box?

Did you fold her bow-legs up
like a card table?

Did you tuck her chins
into her mouth?

You gotta give me something,
Mary Finky.

Well, then you're
gonna die curious.

You seem very calm for someone
who's about to be skewered.

I have two words--
Snooper Troopers.

What?

Neighborhood watch!
(blowing whistle)

(heroic music)

(Mary shouting)

She got away.

She won't get far...

or she will.

(muffled shouting from piano)
Where's Amy?

She's stuffed inside
the piano.

(knocking inside piano)

(mumbling)
Get me out of here!

Patty! Hey!

Now, hold on.
Before we pull her out,

does anyone have a clue as to
how she got inside-- Shirley?

They built
the piano around her?

Hmm, Millie?

-Uh, fully body corset?
-I don't think so,

but it's a good guess.

And since this is
the fan show,

if you at home have any idea
how Amy's ample body

fit into that tiny piano,
jot it down on a postcard

and sent it to the show,
care of Too Fat To Fit.

We'll be right back
after this message.

(Amy)
Hey!

(mumbling)
Get me out of here-- hey!

Oh, hello. I was just writing
in my hits and misses book,

where I record what went well
on the show and what didn't.

Hits--
connecting with my fans.

Misses--
connecting with my fans.

I hope you enjoyed the show.

This one was
dedicated to you.

Oh! I almost forgot, I wanted
to announce the winner

of the Too Fat to Fit contest.

The winner is Bill Klurgman,
a civil engineer from Plainview,

South Dakota,
who guessed a hand truck,

a gallon of beef tallow and two
wood planks acting as a funnel.

Congratulations, Bill.

It's been a bit of
a trying episode,

so I'm going to relax and watch
my favorite cooking show.

Good night.

?

Tonight on the show we're
making a spicy Brunswick stew.

It'll be delicious.

(softly)
Right, Amy?

(softly)
Mary.

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