All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e02 Creativity.eng

(knocking on door)

(man)
Ms. Sedaris, on in five!

Hello.
Before we start the show,

I thought I'd pull the curtain
back a bit in our process--

you know, show you how
the sausage is eaten?

We spent a lot of time
around here

considering
the themes to our shows.

Often, they reflect subjects
I'm interested in.

Other times, we steal them from
other, more successful shows.

But today with the situation in
our country becoming so toxic,

and although it strays
outside our normal boundaries,

I feel an obligation
to use this show

as a platform
for positive change.

So tonight I give you...

women's hats.

(woman singing in French)

Women's hats--
tonight, on a very special

"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

?

Mmm!

Over the past two seasons

we've aired many special
episodes of this program--

our retrospective
on the can opener,

the fabric alternative special,

"Amy Sedaris,
A Salute to Burlap,"

and who could forget whatever
last week was?

But tonight may be
our most special-est

because I'll be designing and
making my very own women's hat.

(applause)

But that's not all,
because later,

world-renowned French fashion
critic, Yves St. Au Jus,

will be stopping by to give me
a critique of my work.

And to go along
with our hat theme...

I'm making mushroom caps
for his visit.

Now, I'm gonna pop
these adorable little guys

into the oven pre-heated
to 750 degrees.

(flame whooshes)

Oh! 350 degrees.

Anyway, I'm gonna need
a little touch-up

and I'll meet you
in the living room.

?

My first guest tonight
makes women's hats,

but not just
any old women's hats--

very specific women's hats.

All right,
I'm done torturing you.

I'll just come out
and say it.

He makes
women's hats for fruit!

Please welcome Denny Shnarks.

(applause)

-Welcome, Denny.
-Thank you for having me.

So, why women's hats
for fruit?

Well, it occurred to me
one day

when I was in
the produce section

that some fruits
already have hats.

-Huh.
-Think of a strawberry,

for instance.
-Oh, yeah, sure.

-Or for the pineapple?
-Oh, the pineapple, sure, okay.

So I thought, why shouldn't
all fruit have hats?

(light applause)
Okay.

Well, why don't we take
a look at some of your work?

-Let's do it!
-Okay, you go first.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

-Wow.
-Yes.

So, here we have an orange
in a sun bonnet.

(Amy)
Oh, a raspberry beret.

That's a tam-o-shanter.

This is a plum
in a nurse's hat.

A watermelon
in a swimming cap.

I'm very proud of this one,

this is a pear
in a wedding veil.

Oh, you know
what've been cute,

is a wedding veil
on a cantaloupe.

(chuckling)

-What do you mean?
-Well, you know,

it had a traditional wedding
because it can't elope?

It was just a play on words.

Yes, so this is all
a big joke to you, right?

No! I mean, it looks good on a
Bartlett pear too, I was just...

Okay, that's a goddamn D'Anjou,
and let me tell you something.

If you think I started out

making women's hats
for fruits, you're nuts.

Okay? I started out making
women's hats... for women.

And one spring
I showed my first collection,

and the show went
without a hitch,

I thought my career was made,
and then the reviews came out.

-Oh...
-You want to hear some of these?

-Oh, it's okay.
-I carry them around,

to remember.

"Denny Shnark Jumps the Shnark".

"Hat's All, Folks!"
They didn't like it.

"Cap Smear".

That was it-- my career
was over before it even started.

Well, I'm sorry, I had no idea,
I didn't know.

-Oh, well, now you do.
-Okay.

Right, well...

- Yeah, I should go, I'm sorry.
-Okay, no, this is perfect.

Thank you so much
for coming on the show.

Yeah, thank you.

You might want
to leave this way.

There you go.
Thank you so much Denny.

-Speed cap on a banana.
-Okay.

I had no idea the world of
women's hats could be so brutal.

Well, time to head over
to the craft room

and create my own hat.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows! ?

Welcome to Crafting Corner--
Women's Hats.

The little white gloves
of the skull.

Today I'll be making
a women's hat from scratch,

to be critiqued by esteemed
fashion critic, Yves St. Au Jus.

To assist me, please welcome
my assistant, Puja.

(applause)

How was your weekend?

Is something
you should've asked me.

You know, I put a lot of work
into my weekends

to make them very special, and
if no one asks me about them,

well, then, what's the point?

How was your weekend?

Oh, I didn't do much.
By the way,

what I do have here
is an employee review.

It's, uh, a self-review.

Okay, I'll return it
tomorrow.

No, I'd like for you
to do it now.

Okay, let's start
with the first one.

How satisfied are you
with your pay scale?

Satisfied? Very satisfied?

Overpaid? I think I know
the answer to that one, okay?

And speaking of scales,

I have two in my kitchen right
now and I would like for you

to weigh in
when you punch in

and then weigh in
on your way out.

Okay? You understand?

And then I'm gonna do the math

and those numbers
better match up.

All right, fantastic.

Why don't you finish
that review on your break?

-All right.
-All right.

Great! Let's make a hat!

Now, a hat can be made from
almost anything you have

lying around the house--

crepe paper, newspaper,
an existing hat--

the sky is the limit.

Now, I haven't
settled on the design yet,

so Puja here collected random
bits from the grab bin.

Tossed away items,
I call them one-offs.

So maybe these one-offs will
lead to something magical.

What's in the box?

-I have felt pieces.
-Okay.

-Feathers...
-Okay, it's a 24-minute show.

Trim, pieces of lace,
assorted ribbon-- oh,

and silk flowers.

Oh, my goodness, you took random
to heart, didn't you?

Yeah.

One thing about being
creative is, you know,

you don't want to rush things,
you want to breathe,

you just want a clear mind,

there are absolutely
no wrong answers.

Okay, let's see.

All righty.
Zero wrong answers.

Gosh, nothing's really,
uh, clicking.

I think it's the items
that you picked, Puja,

how am I supposed to make
a hat out of this stuff?

I mean, you just love to
watch me fail, don't you?

Did you do this on purpose?

I mean, how am I gonna make
anything out of this crap?

This looks like a hairball.

-You told me to pick anything.
-Excuse me?

Are you seriously
talking back to me on camera?

No.

Even a magpie needs to go
for something shiny.

This is ridiculous.

Do you have any idea
what's at stake here?

I have a fashion critic
coming to my show,

I'm practically frea--

(applause)

Oh, okay, Puja...

I'd like for you to take
this crap, all right?

It's all right there.

Don't you ever show me up
like that again!

Okay? Go.

And don't forget
to weigh in and punch out.

I want to apologize for
my former assistant.

Now, I promised you a hat
and I, by gum, will deliver!

Okay, dokey, I can get this.
I can get this.

Hat!

Okay.

(dramatic music)
This.

No... hat.

(panting)

(gasping)

I've got to find
the right pieces!

Fruit!

(sobbing)

(laughing)

(dramatic music continues)

Knock, knock, knock!

Puja called collect
and said you were having

some sort of spiritual crisis.

Now, I was concerned,
so I brought Lesley along.

Now, as you know,
he's a brilliant former doctor

of maritime psychology.

I thought it would be
behooving of him

to give you
a quick looksee over.

Now, don't worry, Amy Lou,

he's not going to give you
a shot or pook you or prod you,

he just wants to talk
to your brain.

Okay.

(suspenseful music)

-Hmm.
-What? It's something?

According to my
phrenological examination,

there's only one conclusion
to make-- well, two, really.

First, you have the skull shape
of an oversexed chimpanzee,

but more importantly, I believe
you to be suffering from

crafter's block.

What?

Of course you should get
a second opinion,

so here it is now.

You have crafter's block.

Crafter's block?

What? No!
What am I gonna do?

Crafting's my life!
It's my life!

(laughing and sobbing)

?

(slurping)

Hello. I'm Amy Sedaris
and I want to thank you

for all the incredible letters
of support I've received

during the commercial break.

I used to believe crafter's
block was something

that happened to other people,
and I thought it was hilarious.

Until it happened to me.

So often those with crafting
block hide in the shadows,

ashamed of their
idle pipe cleaners

and reams of dusty felt.

Well,
I'm not gonna run away.

Mostly, because I'm not
built for it.

My feet are too small,
I'm bow-legged, not to mention,

I've been drinking all day.

Yves St. Au Jus will be here
soon, and I will produce a hat.

And to help me get back
on track,

I've invited the woman
who first inspired me to craft.

Whoo, whoo!
(chuckling)

I'd like to introduce my former
camp scout girl's troop leader

and crafting mentor,
Alice Brittlecrunch.

Oh, Alice, I am thrilled
you made the trip out here.

Oh, I'm happy to do it, Amy.

Gosh, after all these years
do you even remember me?

Of course!

So nimble with
your tiny hands.

So productive with your
sharp overbite.

You were my brightest star.

Oh, thank you.

Do you remember
Jackie Thatcher?

I don't.

Then we're all on
the same page.

Um, so how did you
light that spark in us kids?

Oh, I don't know.

I just said we had
a job to do,

set a stack of leather swatches
in front of you,

you'd start stitching
and before you knew it,

you'd finished a craft!

-Like a moccasin.
-That's right, Amy.

I remember we made
lots and lots of moccasins.

Piles and piles
of moccasins.

I don't recall.

I always wondered, what happened
to those moccasins? Hmm.

When I decided
to have you on the show

I dug up my old sash
with all my merit badges,

and I never realized they
were all for moccasins.

Look, if you're suggesting

that I used my troop
as some sort of

campfire sweatshop to produce
cheap goods that I could mark up

and pawn off to consumers
as genuine Cherokee artifacts,

then you are sadly mistaken.

No, I-I was just wondering...

What other vicious rumors
are you spreading?

That I know the whereabouts
of Jackie Thatcher?

I don't even know
Jackie Thatcher.

Again!
That makes two of us.

(microphone flutters)

Are you wearing a wire?

Oh... Of course I am,
so are you.

We-we're recording this.

This is entrapment!

(loud polka music playing)

If I go down,
I'm taking you with me.

(music stops)

Alice, I'm not trying
to entrap you.

I'm having trouble crafting,

and you being
my first crafting teacher,

I just thought maybe
you'd help me remember.

All right.

When I was in your troop
I was a crafting machine.

I'm just trying to remember
what made me so special.

Well, you were a child.

You had tiny hands--
perfect to stick into

the industrial beader machine
to change the bobbins.

Oh... those days
are long gone.

I don't think I'm the person
to help you, Amy.

But I know
two people who can.

Here, watch this.

But be sure to rewind it
before you return it.

I don't want
a fee on my account.

Okay, well, thank you, Alice,
I knew you'd come through.

By the way, if someone asks,
I've been here all day.

Alice Brittlecrunch.

(applause)

"Debbie and Donny from
Brain Mountain--

How To Dislodge
Your Creative Energy."

(music playing on TV)

Hi. I'm Debbie Jojo Duncan,

and I have been dislodging
impacted creative loads

for over 35 years.

I'm Donnie Duncan, and I've
been to bartending school.

What's so magical
about figure eights?

I don't know-- wait, I do.

It really, really unhinges
your infinity flowages, yeah.

Then, you stretch up
to the heaven, yeah,

and connect to the earth.

Birds to the worms.

And then you're just gonna
come down and hang.

You just hang.

Then you tap,
tap, tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap, tap,

all the way down
to the collarbone.

And then you're gonna...
(vocalizing)

de-clog the flesh...

(hissing and gagging)

De-clog it,
that's right, yeah.

And then you're gonna
poopoo out

all those thoughts and ideas
and they'll all come out

in that nice,
creative loaf, yeah.

For this next one, you're gonna
need ten pounds of sand.

I have access to four belts.

Okay.
So you start this way, yeah,

and then you go
the other way, right?

All the energy moving
sparks creativity.

It does.

Okay. So now, you're gonna want
to do the scalp tug.

Ooh, because this creates
valleys in your skull

so that that spinal
thought fluid can discharge,

geysering that mental foam

and spilling out
over into your chakras.

It's not working.

So for this next part, you're
gonna need two bags of Sakrete,

a wheelbarrow full of ceramic
tile, and four railroad ties.

I'm wearing one of them now.
(buzzing)

No!

I'll never know how it ends!
My chakras! What?

?

Welcome back.

If you're just tuning in,
don't bother, I've got nothing.

If only I could pull
a rabbit out a hat

just so I could have his hat.

(bell over door jingles)

Jessie,
what are you doing here?

I never got last week's
paycheck.

Jessie,
I'm in the middle of a show.

What show?

The one you get paid for,
the one on television.

Well, I wouldn't know,
I didn't steal a television.

Jessie, please.

Look, I need a replacement check
for the check

that I never got
or was stolen.

Jessie,
that check was cashed.

Well, it wasn't me.

What would I have to gain from
being paid twice, hmm?

Look, you're just gonna have to
talk to Barry the accountant.

(groaning)

Barry, it's Jessie,
can I talk to you a minute?

-Barry, I know you're in there!
-Could you keep it down?

Who put a bee up your
bonnet shaped ass?

Look, I am doing a show on
women's hats, that's the theme,

and I lost my ability
to make a hat!

You just need to get
your blood flowing, is all.

Why don't you try
some of that hot yoga

everyone's talking
about, hmm?

Well, where am I
supposed to do that?

I don't know.

You have that stupid
walk-in freezer,

why don't you do
cold yoga, okay?

I really don't care.

Just tell Barry
I'm looking for him.

(bell over door jingling)

Freezer.

This walk-in freezer is a recent
addition to my home-slash-set,

along with my new mophead
and 20 pounds of glitter,

makes up most for most of our
second season budget.

Now, I haven't had time to fix
this heavy freezer door

so it could be opened
from the inside

since my husband died,

so I better find something
to prop it open.

Oh, perfect, this plastic fork
that I got on my trip to Tokyo.

Terrific.

(groaning)

(sitar music)

Crazy!

Let's see.

Cavity Hole's Frostina's
Ice Cream Sandwiches.

The frozen muse sure to launch
a thousand ideas,

starting right...

now.

Nothing.

No, no, no!

Help, help, somebody!

Anybody?

Oh, God.

Oh, what a fitting end
to a hatless loser.

Oh, God, no way out!

I'm doomed, doomed!
(harp glissando)

(shivering)
Ow!

Sorry! With all that blubbering,
I thought you were a whale!

That's just an ice breaker.

Hey, what's the matter
with you?

Oh, I'm useless-- I'm freezing
to death and I can't make a hat.

Oh, Amy!

?

? When you can't think
you're out of synch ?

? Your brain has gone
all flat ?

? That's me

? Your confidence shrinks
and shrivels and sinks ?

? Ideas are what you lack

? Make point, freezing

? Your thoughts are muck,
a real lame duck ?

-? And panic is on the brink
-? Hypothermia

? Well, you're in luck,
to get unstuck ?

? It's easy,
just don't think ?

Wait-- what?

Stop trying so hard.

Most times the answers
are right in front of your face.

That's it, Frostina!

I've been thinking too hard.

Oh, Amy.

(heroic music)

Ahhh!

We'll be right back
after these messages.

I am so thrilled
to introduce my next guest.

He is considered the maestro
of millinery,

the master of women's
hat critique, Yves St. Au Jus.

(applause)

?

This is such an honor.

I understand.

Uh, I prepared these stuffed
mushroom caps for you.

Italian style breadcrumbs,
Romano cheese, minced garlic,

fresh herbs, blended together
and stuffed into a mushroom cap.

They look delicio, but I'm
sorry, uh, I'm allergic.

Oh, you're allergic
to mushrooms?

I'm allergic to stuffed.

Oh, okay, so, Eaves,
why should we care--

-"Yves".
- Oh, Eva.

We don't pronounce the "s".

"S" is like a... (hissing)

like a snake at the end,
we don't like that, eh?

Oh, okay, so Eve, why should
we care about women's hats?

Excellent question, Amy,
I will answer for you.

Historically, the women's heads
many considered to be, uh,

how you say,
extraneous, uh, ornament...

the appendix of the neck...

a blabbering skin tag.

But the hat has given
the women's head a purpose.

Now this empty knob has
something on it.

Oh, hello, how are you?
Now I can engage.

-Oh.
-How would you say in English,

uh, everything I just said?

Oh, I think I got it.

I am certain you did not.

However, in any event,
this is why I find ugly hats...

(shudders)
...to be such an affront,

because often
this is the woman's

best feature, yes, no?

Um, um, I guess, yeah.

Um... (clears throat)

So you were going to create
a hat, eh, of your own,

that I would critique?

Oh.

(chuckling)

What is this?
This hat is...

(spits)
How dare you!

I don't have word
for this.

I can't!

And I won't!

Who put stairs here?

Eaves, wait!
What you think of my hat?

Well, I...
guess he didn't like it.

Oh, well, I tried, and that's
all I could really do.

Well, we have a few minutes
left in the show,

so why don't we
sample these mushroom caps?

Rusty-- Yves?

I found a word.

Magnifique.

Really?

How did you come by
such a wonderful hat?

Let's just say I didn't put
any thought into it.

Amy, you're the way I like
a woman, eh, no thought.

(laughing)

(romantic music)

Way to go, Paula!

Way to go.

(moaning and panting)

Your hands are so... cold.

They're so cold.

(shivering)

I'm so c-cold.

You're just gonna be fine,
Amy Lou,

don't you worry
about t thing.

Did you see?
Yves, he... he loved my hat!

Yeah, sure he did.

-I thought he cancelled.
-Jessie, would you please?

Okay? Everything's
gonna be all right.

Wheel her out into the sunlight,
let's go, let's go, let's go.

?

(shivering)
I love you, Yves, oh, Yves.

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