All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s02e01 Teenagers.eng

(store doorbell ringing)

-Here she comes.
-Has she got it?

I think so.

Now, remember,
add the wine to the beef stock

only on low heat until
the sauce thickens.

Whatever, old maid.

Teenagers, on a very special
"At Home With Amy Sedaris".

?

(sighing)

Nothing strikes fear
in the heart of adults

quite like the word,
"teenager".

It ranks right between
"foreclosure" and "colonoscopy".

You've seen teenagers
hanging out

in parking lots
and rock quarries,

heard their strange
youth slang,

and in some cases,
even done their laundry.

But what do we really know
about them?

Tonight I'm excited
to announce

that we will be meeting
a real, live teenager.

(applause)

But before we do that,
let's try to educate ourselves

to what the teenager
is all about.

I thought a good place
to start would be

my own backyard's closet.

These are my keepsakes from
Button Gwinnett High School.

Go... buttons!

Oh, look!

Oh, it's my apron
from high school home ec.

I wonder if it still fits.

Oh, well, it must've been run
through the dryer, it happens.

Oh, well, look!

It's my sash from when
I was a Queen Tarheel

of the Scotch Bonnet dance.

I wonder if it still fits.

Okay, well,
it must be the humidity.

Oh... my old diary.

Oh, and here's the key.

I wonder if it still fits.

Stupid, fat key.

"November 15th junior year.

"Who am I and why?

"My wisdom teeth came in,
all six of them.

"I can't wait to chew meat.

"Also, that thing happened to my
body that they warn you about

in health class,
only on the other end."

I was hoping that would be
more informative.

Luckily, I've invited friend of
the show and teenage expert,

Cliff Wilt from Blowingrock,
North Carolina.

Cliff, I want to thank you
so much for coming on the show.

-I'm thrilled to be here, Amy.
-Okay.

All right, now, you're here
to talk about your new book,

"The Glass Teenagerie".

Oh, I assumed that this was a
cooking segment-- I'm starving.

I only had a cookie
for breakfast.

Well, I can
hard boil you an egg.

Let's just focus on the book.

Okay. So, um, Cliff, what makes
you an expert on teenagers?

Well, I have a Ph.D.
in psychology,

and I specialized
in adolescent behavior.

I'm also a tenor--
you wouldn't suspect that

because I speak low.

And how exactly did you do
research for this book?

I followed a group of five
teenagers for a number of weeks,

and the data that I gathered
over that period

I used to form this book.

And what exactly
did you learn?

Teenagers didn't want
to be in the book.

Oh, my goodness.

That egg already boiled?

I would have to boil it.

Well, let's just
keep moving it along.

-Okay.
-Anyway, this was a very

tough book to write
because teenagers

never really understood me.

I never really felt
truly accepted.

Well, did you explain to them
about how you felt?

I tried to,
but they wouldn't listen,

they were too busy doing things,
like school.

Richie shouldn't
even be in school,

we should be in
a band together--

Richie on the ax, me with
the sticks on the kit,

playing in my garage.

Why doesn't Richie
want to be in my band?

Well, Cliff, maybe Richie's
busy with school things.

Why do you always take Richie's
side on everything?

I don't even know Richie.

Oh, let's just forget it.

I didn't even want to be
on this stupid show anyway.

Cliff, please calm down.

Don't tell me how to live,
you're not my mother!

-Cliff.
-Don't you tell me anything!

Cliff!
Cliff Wilt!

I'm sure Cliff doesn't
always act that way.

He's probably just hungry.

Oh, hello.

Crafting is the art of
unleashing muscle memory

on a pile of popsicle sticks
and a bottle of glue.

This is Crafting Corner.

? Beads and things
and glitter and strings ?

? Glue and sew and buttons
and bows ?

How do you keep
a teenager engaged?

I've always said,
keep their hands busy

and their genitals
will follow.

And the best way to keep
their hands busy?

Crafting.

Teenagers love
to write in diaries

because it gives them a safe
place to unload their feelings

and let off emotional steam.

Other typical
release valves for teens

include group sex, arson,
and animal cruelty.

Diaries are often
used by troubled teens

as a friend to confide in

and by the state as evidence
in juvenile court.

Today we are going to learn
simple, fun ways for teenagers

to personalize
their diary cover.

Helping me out in the craft room
is friend of the show

and closest thing we have
to a teenager, Chassie Tucker!

(applause)

Chassie, thank you so much
for coming on the show.

Let's craft.

All right, what are we
having you make me do?

We are going to make
a self-esteem collage

on the cover of this diary.
And what you're going to do

is you're going
to personalize it

so it is unique to you,
Chassie Tucker.

Great. Do you have
an example I can copy?

Chassie, the whole point is that
it says something about you.

It's very easy--
all you have to do

is take pictures from books,

such as so, magazines,
you can use stickers,

you can use decals,
googly eyes, dried macaroni,

popcorn kernels,
I mean, it's fun.

Doesn't sound like it.

Anyway,
I don't have any glue.

-No glue?
-No, I...

Okay, let me get you some.

Oh...
oh, that was-- okay.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

All right, you got it?

Okay. I'm gonna start with this
felt cutout of a giraffe.

Do you know why?

-Why?
-Because of its long neck.

You know what it says?

It's reaching
for the stars, like me.

Okay, I'm just gonna
glue that down.

Now, did you keep a diary

when you were
in high school, Chassie?

High school? I didn't--

Oh, high school, yes,
I did go to high school.

-Mm-hmm?
-I went and finished

all the way to the top.

-Oh.
-And in record time,

finished in record time and,
um, I did keep a diary, yep.

Gosh, well, I bet that was
just a page-turner.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing. It's just knowing you,
I can only imagine

that your high school years must
have been pretty... colorful.

Actually, my high school years
were... picture perfect.

-Oh, really?
-Yep, just a happy teenager

with lots of friends and loving
parents who doted on me

and they were
never drunk or abusive,

it was just a very
pregnant-free,

very non-jail time.

And I'd call my friends
on my powder pink princess phone

so I was never sad
or lonely.

My daddy would...

he'd come in and he'd...

he'd brush my hair.

He would brush my hair
and I had an autograph dog,

and they would line up around
the block to sign it.

Oh, my.

And I had a tree swing
and mommy would push me,

she would push me so hard,
mommy, no...

on the swing, she would push me
too hard on the swing.

Yeah.

Chassie, it's okay
if your high school years

were a little rough.

Wait, are you-- do you think
I'm lying?

Look, all I know is that
I was very popular, okay?

And I certainly wouldn't have
been friends with some balding,

bow-legged, lazy-eyed,
one tit bigger than the other

potato teeth barren lesbian
like you!

And you're no giraffe!

Chassie!

I don't have potato teeth.

I'm sure she's
just hungry.

When we return,
we'll meet an actual teenager,

so don't go away.

?

?

Welcome back to our special
episode on teenagers.

Joining me now, 16-year-old
Byron Stubbins from Knightdale.

Hello, Byron, and thank you
for coming on my show.

Thanks.

Can I offer you some cold cuts
from my cold cut tower?

No, thanks.

Mmm, teenagers love cold cuts.

I'm good.

Well, I guess
I made it for nothing.

(whistle blowing)

Red alert!

Mayday!

I saw this teenage hoodlum
enter your home

and I assume he's up to
criminal mischief!

It's all right, Patty,
he's supposed to be here.

I'm doing an episode
about teenagers.

Stand down!

Back to your posts patrolling
the cul-de-sac,

I'll take it from here.

Oh, Nutmeg!

Don't go near him!

Nutmeg!

Nutmeg!

?

Patty, this is my guest,
Byron Stubbins.

Just because he's your guest

doesn't mean
he's not up to no good.

Oh, yes, I used
a double negative

because he is
double trouble.

Now...
what do we have here?

You pretty high and far out,
aren't you?

What kind of kick are you on?

Wearing that leather band
around your wrist like a--

like a wild Comanche!

I'm sure he's a good kid,
Patty.

We can't let our guard down

around this dungaree clad
teddy boy, not for one minute!

Oh, they're so cocky with their,
with their pants and no belt.

Oh, look at me!

I can't abide by
society's standards,

even if it means
holding up my slacks.

Okay, thank you, Patty,
now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to move on
with the show.

Buh-bye.

I'm gonna be right outside
this door if you need me,

and you will need me,
Byron from Knightdale.

Nutmeg!
She just planted those!

So, Byron, I understand
teenagers have a lot of feelings

that they can't express.

No, I can express them.

Right now I'm feeling
confused.

Oh, confused, interesting.

Well,
can you be a team player

and add some feelings
you can't express?

Because I know
a lady who lives in a lodge

and she is going to show you
the perfect hobby

to help give your
feelings a voice.

-I have a voice.
-Shh! Watch.

Welcome to The Lodge.

Today we'll show you
how to make a simple craft

that will help you express
your deepest feelings.

We call them emotion belts.

"Pain".

Here are some examples of
emotion belts that Esther made.

"I hate writing on belts".

Nice job, Ester.

You really captured
teenage alienation.

Of course
it's no surprise teenagers

are rife with emotions,

as most are going through
all kinds of changes.

Puberty can be
a confusing time,

especially for teenage boys.

That's for sure.

You say that with
such confidence, Esther.

Well, I've had a boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Oh, you mean like
a foraging companion

or a hiking buddy
or a rowing pal.

No, just a regular
boyfriend, you know.

I don't know, Esther.

Boyfriend,
a boy you do stuff with.

Stuff.

Making out on boats, making out
at the country club,

Frenching at the stables,
you know, stuff.

Wow, the lodge is spinning.

Is it hot in here
or am I just furious at you?

Why don't we get back
to our emotion belts?

Using a wood burning kit

engrave whatever words
describe what you are feeling.

"Stabbed in back".

You sure wrote
a lot of words.

I have a lot of feelings.

That's it here
at The Lodge.

We'll see you next time.

(parrot squawks)
Arr, puberty.

? She's the lady
who lives in the woods ?

(bell jingling)
Uh-oh.

-Do you know what that means?
-I don't.

It means our very
special guest is almost here.

Now, last night I did a little
research on you teenagers

by watching "West Side Story,"

and apparently
y'all love knives.

So I invited my knife man,

and your new positive male
role model, over to the house.

Knife man?

(door bell jingling)
Did I hear someone say my name?

Oh, Tony! Thanks so much
for coming on the show.

This is our teenager, Byron.

Hi, Byron.

Amy tells me
you like knives.

I don't.

-He's shy.
-Or lying.

Teenagers and knives
go together like

peanut butter and stabbing.

There's a lot of do's and don'ts
everyone needs to know

when it comes to
good knife stewardship.

First of all, a knife
is to be respected

and never underestimate it.

So don't turn your back
on a knife.

Also, don't be intimidated,
because

they can sense fear.

On the plus side, knives are
an excellent judge of character.

I always run all my business
decisions past my knife.

They let me know who I can
trust, who to haggle with,

and who to stab.

Are you listening, Byron?

This man knows
of which he speaks.

He is a knife man.

Byron, you seem
like a sharp kid.

So I have a sharp gift
for you.

How about that?
It's a pocket knife.

We've been through it all--

hiking, whittling,
light gardening--

we even lost
our virginity together.

(chuckling)

Not to each other,
of course.

I had this knife
since I was a little boy.

I found it in
my uncle Silvio's back.

She's yours now, Byron.

Very nice.
Tony Pugnalata.

Promise me you'll
take care of her, son.

Don't make me come
looking for you.

(sobbing)

Oh, my goodness, well, that man
has more passion for knives

than knives have
for butter.

By the way, young man...

What are these?

Those aren't mine.

Well, I found them
in this backpack.

That backpack is not mine.

I know, it belongs
to my friend Chassie.

I was hoping it would spark
a conversation about drugs.

-I don't do drugs.
-Hmm, well, that's too bad,

because we put together this
really good anti-drug film.

Byron, I want you to meet
Russell Schnabble,

the Creative Director

for the Research Triangle
Community Theater.

Well, hello, Byron!

-And hello, Amy.
-Hey, Russell.

Before we get started,
I wanted to give you a flier

for our new show,
"12 Angry Jesus's".

We had the costumes from
a previous production

of "Jesus Christ Superstar,"

but we could only afford
to build a deliberation room.

I think it works--
the jury condemns

the accused
to the gas chamber

and then he rises
three days later.

Oh, well,
this looks like a lot of fun!

So can I expect you there?

Oh, weekends
are a little tough

because I'm busy
with my free time.

We have a touring company, Amy,
we could come to you.

-Well, I'll keep that in mind.
-Okay.

So, Russell,
tell us about your film.

Well, I am so proud of this one,
it's a real passion project.

I actually mortgaged
my home to finance it.

Oh, I thought you rented your
apartment on Blunt Street.

I do, so let's just say my
landlord is not pleased.

Anyway, this film demonstrates
the dangers of drug abuse

as well as provides
a meaty, meaty vehicle

for the Schnabble Players.

I don't do drugs.

That may be, Byron, but there
are five struggling actors

who will be disappointed
if you don't.

(projector clicking)

?

What you're about to see
is true.

The names have been changed
to protect the innocent

and make other
people seem guilty.

The facts have
also been changed,

as well as the locations,
but the wardrobe is spot-on.

What is important is that
the events depicted

in this film are... acted.

This is Corrine.

She processes invoices
for a shipping company.

Corrine has a problem.

Always dotting my T's and
crossing my I's, popping my P's

and yipping my Y's,

gotta get the decimal point
in the right place...

(sniffles)
That's me, little Miss Perfect.

What, these?

Oh, they're nothing.
Just heavy narcotics.

(Russell)
There are nine main symptoms

of drug abuse, but we only had
the budget for four.

Corrine here is exhibiting
symptom number one,

talking about drugs.

She's talking,
but no one is listening.

(sobbing dramatically)

This is Bobby,
and she ought to be in jail.

This morning I got loaded,

and I'm getting
loaded again for lunch.

Guess what's on
the dinner menu?

Baked ziti.
I'm joking-- more reefer.

(Russell)
Symptom number three,

horrible timing.

Hey, Connie.

(Russell)
This is Walter,

he's a businessman.

But lately he hasn't been
doing much business, man.

Th profit margins
and the overages are a fraction

of the top percentile of
my international profile!

Sell, buy, sell!

What?

This?

It's just secret drawer full
of dangerous pharmaceuticals.

Why do you ask?

I call these
my office supplies

because at the office
they're all I need...

these and a stapler.

(phone rings)
Why do you keep calling?

(Russell)
Symptom number four,

bad phone etiquette.

And this is Teresa.

She had a bright future once,

but presently it's in the past,
and that's yesterday's news,

because today
she's answering phones

while her dreams
are on hold.

Yeah, I'm holding.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hi.

I took acid this morning.

It just helps me
get through those times...

when I'm not on acid.

(whispering)
I don't even work here.

I just walked in,
sat down at this desk.

(inhales deeply)
It smells so good in here

I might stay all week.

(Russell)
Symptom number five,

accidental employment.

Drugs wrecked havoc
on this office.

It's surprising these people

still make such great
home security systems.

But now there is hope
for people like this

because once a week
I hold meetings

where they can get
the support they need.

Hi, I'm Russell Schnabble.

If you have a drug problem

then why not have
an acting problem instead?

The first class is free,
everybody's doing it,

and the best part is,
acting never leads to drugs.

Isn't it time you cleaned up
your act... ing?

Well, Byron,
what'd you think?

It's okay, Byron, just give me
and honest opinion,

I can take it.

The movie seemed
a little derivative.

Goddamn it!
What do you know?

Oh, no-- Russell!

Russell!

I hope you're very pleased
with yourself, Byron.

Russell put a lot
of work into that film.

I'll bet you're real proud,
big boy,

not a thought in the world
for anybody else.

It all revolves around you.

"Me, me, me, me, me"--

isn't that your
fight song, Byron?

Please, Patty,
I can take care of this.

You give 'em an inch,
they steal a footlong.

This is what they do--
selfish lack shellfish.

Patty, please.

Give me five minutes alone with
him, I'll straighten him out.

Come on, fight it, fight it.

They only understand
the rough stuff.

Amy--
(grunting)

You know what?
I'm out of here!

You people are nuts.

(Patty)
Let him go!

No...

Byron! No...!

?

?

Hey...

Is there room up there
for me?

Go away.

-You look thirsty.
-Leave me alone!

I bet you feel like nobody
understands you, hmm?

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

Sometimes
I feel that way too.

When do you feel
like that?

A little bit right now.

-What?
-See, I know a young man

who's pretty angry right now,

and I just so desperately wish
that he could understand

that all I wanted was
to be his friend.

I'm not sure
I need another friend.

Oh, you think I'm talking
about you.

No, I'm talking about
this guy named Walter,

but I sure would love to be
your friend.

So what do you say, Byron?

Can I come up there?

-All right.
-Okay.

(grunting)

Okay, I got it.

There you go, it's easy.

(glass shatters)

(glass shatters)

Wow, you know, it's funny,

this used to be
my thinking branch.

I'd come up here when I was
feeling frustrated or alone.

Look, Byron,
you want to know something?

You hear more when you listen,
and I can talk for hours,

but everything that needs to be
said can be sung in this song.

Can I sing?

-Whatever.
-Do you play guitar?

-No.
-Neither do I.

Turns out it was a big mistake
lugging it up here.

?

? It's quite difficult

? To find someone who cares

? So difficult

? To meet the person who shares
so when you find him ?

? Grab him, hold him so tight
that he's scared ?

? 'Cause it's difficult ?

? It's arduous
to call someone your mate ?

? It's onerous to find
an associate ?

? And if you see him, track him,
cage him like an inmate ?

? 'Cause it's difficult

? To find a matching set

? Or form a duplet

? A sweet tete-a-tete

? A menage-a-duet

? 'Cause sometimes things
are better in pairs like ?

? Shoes or socks
or Noah's livestock ?

? Eyes and thighs
and twin rib-eyes ?

? Wings and lungs
and double tongues ?

? Balls and boobs
and bronchial tubes ?

? Odds and ends
and things that bend ?

? I won't pretend
I need a friend ?

Can we just be friends?

? It's not difficult ?

(branch cracking, both scream)

We learned so much
about teens today.

Being an adult, there's a lot of
mileage between me and...

I'm sorry, what's that?

What do you mean
we're out of time?

I wasn't finished talking
about teenagers.

This isn't fair!

Other shows get to finish!

I never get to do
anything I want!

I hope I get pregnant!

I hate you! I hate you!

I hate you... I hate--
(shouting)

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